Consent
Consent is not a matter which preys on the mind of our kind much at all. This is driven by the following factors: –
- Our sense of entitlement. We do as we please, how we please, when we please and with whom we please. We are access all areas;
- Our inability to recognise and respect boundaries. This links with our sense of entitlement whereby nobody is off limits to us. Somebody is in a relationship? So what, they are fair game to us. That seat is taken. Yes, it is, by us. That drink was meant for somebody else? Tough. We invade personal space, take things which are not ours, commandeer other people’s resources and act as if we own the place because in our minds, we do.
- You are part of us. You are subsumed within us, attached to us and since you are a part of us, why on earth do we need to ask ourselves for permission to do something? That is nonsensical from our perspective.
- We are unaccountable. Even if we actually thought that we might need consent it does not matter because the consequence arising from failing to obtain consent to do something will not apply to us. We are able to escape blame, evade liability and shirk culpability.
- Our sense of superiority. Consent is a chain. It restricts and hinders. We are the behemoth that strides ever forward and as such consent does not apply to a titan like us. Consent is what the little people have to obtained.
This attitude to consent means that we behave like a marauding invader. Everything is up for grabs. How might this manifest?
With the Lesser it is blatant and obvious. He will tell you that he is moving in with you and turn up with his suitcase and guitar (with broken string) and smile as he breezes past you into the house. Your resources are taken – money, food, energy – without any explanation offered. Your friends are seized either to be shoved to one aside and told what the Lesser really thinks of them, or flirted with and identified for triangulation potential. The Lesser will invite him round without asking, use your car without checking first (and not replace the petrol that is used). He will readily incur credit on your behalf. If you challenge him about this failure to seek and obtain consent all he will hear is that you are criticising him. He will rarely bother to even think of an excuse for his actions. He does not need to explain himself to you. If he does decide to respond the explanation is usually obviously incredible but this does not matter to him because he can do as he pleases and you need to get with the program.
“We share everything in this house.”
“What’s yours is mine.”
“I can’t believe you are making such a fuss.”
“No I didn’t use it.”
“It wasn’t me.”
“Somebody else must have taken it.”
He can do this because he is who he is and you had better quit you complaining out you will get what is coming to you and then some. Your person fairs no better. You will be groped in public, he will get up in your face during arguments, assault you, rape you, expect you to look the way he wants you too without any consideration for whether you wanted his name tattooed on your neck or whether short hair actually suits you. He is entitled. Full stop.
The Mid-Range is less brutish and obvious in his sequestrating behaviour but is no less invasive. Where he differs from the Lesser is that he has enough control not to fly off the handle when challenged about the fact that he used the housekeeping for beer or used up all the hot water without putting the immersion heater on. Instead, the Mid-Range will offer an explanation, even an apology (although it is not meant) in order to ensure that consent is retrospectively given.
“I thought I had already asked you.”
“I am sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I will remember next time.”
“It was an emergency and I did not have time. Don’t be angry with me.”
“I will replace it tomorrow (that won’t happen) let’s not fall out now, I have something good to tell you.”
“I meant to get another one, I just plain forgot because I was busy running around after you.”
“I was hungry; you don’t begrudge me having something to eat do you?”
The Mid-Range will con you into granting consent so that he can file this away and use it for next time.
“But you didn’t mind last time.”
“Last time you said it was okay.”
“You said nothing when I did it last time, so how am I to know you don’t agree now? I am not a mind-reader.”
The Mid-Range will especially engage in making you feel sorry for him so you grant the consent retrospectively, he will make you feel guilty for objecting and make you seem like a spoilsport if you do not go along with what he wants.
What about the Greater? As you would expect there is none of the out and out grabbing of the Lesser as the Greater finds such behaviour vulgar. Nor would he engage in the pitiful mewling of the Mid-Range, that is ignoble and beneath the Greater. Of course the Greater has just as great, if not greater expectations that he can do as he pleases however his increased cognitive ability and awareness means that if need be, he will just plough on regardless and do as he pleases but he recognises the value in actually obtaining consent. Indeed, the extraction of this consent from a seemingly unwilling victim is a challenge the Greater relishes as it draws fuel, underlines his power and emphasises his superiority. You can expect the Greater to use emotional blackmail, bribery and coercion to extract the consent.
“If you agree to do it, I will take you somewhere good for dinner.”
“If you don’t do it, I will leave you.”
“If you refuse I just might have to publish those pictures I have of you.”
“I never thought of your as boring, everybody else does it you know?”
“My ex would do it without question. Maybe I made a mistake leaving her for you?”
The Greater applies pressure, immense pressure in order to extract this consent so that the reality is that consent was never properly given, but that is not going to stop the Greater. Once you nod, say you agree, mutter “okay then”, consent has been delivered and he will plough on with whatever it is that he wants to do. Do not think you can change your mind. In the world of the Greater, you cannot withdraw consent once given and it holds good for the rest of the relationship. It is not applicable as a one off.
The Greater also will apply plausible deniability to any situation where consent becomes an issue, so that if he is challenged by a third party with regard to the issue of consent, for example, taking somebody’s vehicle or using their money, he will use a combination of charm and out and out lies in order to damage the victim’s version of events and make it appear that consent was provided. The scheming intelligence of the Greater combined with the traits mentioned at the outset of this piece enable him to behave with impunity with regard to the issue of consent.
26 thoughts on “Consent”
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HG, finally something that makes sense! This emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on for two years. What is the point of moving to my city after a year of long distance relationship, get here and one day say “you exclude me” to 5 months later he is moving 16 hours away, yet Calls me and says “ if I didn’t want to work this out I wouldn’t be on the phone with you” left a good home, left half his belongings, loves me for 3 weeks then the 8-12 days of HELL. Plus the drinking of vodka and moonshine daily since he moved out.why leave half your belongings, why leave and call, send me love songs via text, why do this? As mentioned before “I pronounce you blocked and deleted and this time for good” after being diagnose w blood clots, about 11 days after his big Prounouncement, I email him because and simply asked for his POBOX to get his mail to him and and said we did not need to converse just needing POBOX, his reply gives me POBOX then says do not reply no need to communicate. Deletes childhood friends off his facebook yet keeps my sister and aunt on Facebook help me understand please… I’m more relaxed since he can’t call he doesn’t have my new number, however he still has my email address work number and my family members on his Facebook plus half his belongings are here and I was told to leave it on the curb, things like birth certificate, furniture, clothing, and other important paperwork. What does all this mean? I prefer mail everything but of course on my dime. Leaving him alone he just shows up three months ago after blocking me sent me an email “your unblocked” 🤦♀️ Your response is so greatly appreciated. Oh and he was flirting w someone on Facebook when I mentioned it he did delete the comments, yet “pronounced blocked and deleted” this is insane just insane my biggest fear I pull up on day from work and he will be sitting in the drive way!
I can answer these questions for you, the appropriate forum for doing so is through a consultation.
HG how and where do I set up a consultation? Thank you so much
Please see the options in the menu bar
Good day, HG. It’s been awhile. I find the husband all over this article. If he broke his, he’d take mine and without consent. It was all ours and mainly his. I was an extension of he, he did as he wanted and pleased without any recognition of me being an individual. Anyways, I could go on and on, but it’s all true. All of it. You don’t need for me to tell you that but I’m going to anyways. One thing that sticks out over and over again is consent. You see at the very end of the relationship when I realized (with outside help – that took years) what was going on in the relationship, I mentioned to him how manipulative and masterminding he is and he said this to me, “You made all the choices. You chose this, not me. You allowed it all to happen and you were in love with blinders on. Blinded.” He then began walking around chuckling. That reaction of his let me in on the fact that he knew exactly what he had done in over a decades time and he was very proud of it.
Hope you’re well.
Corky Marie
‘it’s was all ours and mainly his’.
It made me laugh, if he was here he’d say
“what mainly? It’s ALL mine”
Yes, his words were always, it’s ours. We own this. We have this. We did this. We we weeee, but in all actions it was all his. Mine. mine. mine.as long as it was shiny and perfect. However, if it was ugly, dirty, shameful or broken, it was all mine because he’d give it all to me. It goes kinda like this. It is we when being manipulated and mine mine mine when he needs something and always keeping a we in there every so often so that he has / had a scapegoat and OMGoodness, in this very moment I thought of Siamese Twins. The Narcissist cannot live without us, his source, we are the heart of their very being and when that heart is so broken down the Narcissistic half must find another person to latch unto with a stronger heart, we are the pulse of their life. Wow, what a realization. Like bottom feeders whom have to keep moving and sucking in order to feed for source and turning that source into fuel. How exhausting that must be.
I’m not yet to the anger portion of recovering, because he has just recently been found and served with divorce papers. It’s a different kind of place to be, that’s for sure. I’m going to search for the Tea and Consent video. I have watched the old black and white movie, Gaslight. It was truly an eye opening movie for me.
And of course HG’s honesty is also very refreshing and oddly healing, because it’s like getting inside of the monster’s mind that I shared a life with for over a decade. Reading the words from HG is a dark and very scary wake up call for me to understand the disorder and have empathy but to make sure that I don’t ever feel like I must ‘fix’ this broken person.
CM
Thanks for sharing that with me.
You’re among those who understand, and it’s good to have your company here while you’re grieving and decrazyifying. (I made up that word but how else do you describe narc-abuse-trauma-recovery-and-rehab?)
Has anyone else seen ‘Tea and Consent’ on YouTube? The sexual assault counsellor showed it to me on Wednesday. I highly recommend it. Hadn’t been able to get in touch with my anger until I saw this.
Caroline
I saw Tea and Consent several years ago. It lays consent out plainly where it’s obvious. Everyone should watch it.
So how do you get the narc to stop walking all over you, especially in a ex b.f work scenario? I’ve gone no contact even told him there’s no more nothing, no sooner I did that he hoovers and does passive aggressive things. How do you make it stop? The n.c helps me but no sooner do I start to become happy again he’s in my in box with some seemingly work related b.s. in the past if I engaged with him in a seemingly work related problem all he did was confuse the crap out if the smallest of things and I felt I was in a conversation with a f’ing alien nut job that started out fine but got bizarre and in weeds. I simply do my best now to stay far away and even tho I have his emails go into delete bin they are still there till I empty it. I drives me mad. I even asked him to stop calling me by wrong name a shortened version of my name which is not the given name, he won’t he purposefully does things small and stupid to bug me. I try not to even care.
You arrange a consultation with me.
Sir, I’m having a real hard time pin pointing my parents. Using this article as a reference, the acted like all three types with me. They beat, the bemoaned and the blackmailed. I know my vision of them is skewed, as I only say them as parents not as people. I have little knowledge of how others saw them. So my question is, with my father long dead, my mother locked away in a nursing home and an aggressive no contact in place, so I really have to know? Sometimes I feel its a waste to try and figure it out and time is better spent on building my defenses for dealing with narcissistic I may encounter now. Thank you for your time.
There comes a point where you understand the past and therefore you must leave the past where it is, rather than continue to examine it.
Dear Mr Tudor,
You just confirmed my thoughts as well
I’m concentrating on the present with my mum …. no point rehashing but understanding and leaving it
thank you
Luv Bubbles xx
Thank you
You are so wise, HG.
Dear HG
I am clinging to your teachings right now , this is the only way I can stop falling into the cycle again.
Your wisdom is harsh and cruel but it is the way out .I want this wreckage to end.I am prepared for absolute no contact .I will delete email accounts , change my phone and number and do everything in my power using your wisdom to break free.Ive had enough finally.There has been no Hoover as of yet and guess what I don’t want one.Finally I see that these are just contacts to gain fuel ,see if I’m on the hook ,then I’m ignored.
I am going to do nothing , I feel angry yes but I’m not going to show it .I need this blog to get me through this , I’m horrified that I’m emotionally still stuck ,and the mad thing is I’m 15 years younger and far better looking than that lanky creep and this has to end as I have become a shell of the vibrant sensitive woman I was.I listen to my consultation with you everynight before sleep in order to reinforce your message in my subconcious it is working.
Thank you
Good, you will get there.
Thank you HG this. As I look back on my life I’ve been totally narcissistic many times taking what I want, and fuck everybody else because I’m entitled to this or that. Scary thing to look back and see this and other things. But I was a magical thinker from childhood, believing I could fix people and I could not. I believe the bad behavior taught me to act out as a lesser and bit of mid range of your kind. Then after things subsided the empath in me showed up making me feel guilty. Or maybe I was made to feel guilty?
HG, you must have been through complete hell to yes, be made who you are.
I can hardly wait for your next project!!!
Been through it, now create it.
Thank you HG, working on it.
You’ve been through hell HG, now you create said hell for others to go through? Did I read that correctly?
Where it is deserved.
Deserved from your world view. Not necessarily anything they actually did wrong. Correct?