Ever Presence
Ever presence. A hugely important element of the narcissistic relationship. We must create it in order to ensure that you are prevented from moving on and to maximise our prospects of executing a successful post escape or post discard hoover. Ever presence is the act of making us seem like we are still with you, even though we are not physically proximate to you. It is a necessary device so that we remain in your thoughts, we loom large in your memories and we permeate each day as you try to survive without us. Ever presence is highly effective because it is woven into the fabric of our engagement so that it infects all of your senses. We want you to feel us when you hear some music, we want you to think of us when there is a certain fragrance in the air, we want you to recall us when you see a particular item or watch a film, we want you to remember us when your fingers wrap around a particular object and we want you to sense us with you when you taste a drink or a meal. We do not just want our memory to spring from one item alone but from repeated reminders of what we had together. Largely ever presence is created so you remember the good, so you hark back to the golden period and experience that sense of yearning which causes you to break no contact. There are times when ever presence can be a reminder of the bad times as well although this is rarer and might only be done and activated for the purpose of malign hoovers.
What is going through our mind though when ever presence is created? Is it a conscious act? Do we plan it? Do we consider how best to achieve ever presence or is it just sheer coincidence that it happens, a result of the powerful emotions that we evoke in you that just happen to be imprinted with relatively run of the mill and mundane occurrences? Are you culpable for the creation of ever presence by falling so deeply and intensely in love with us that you place such emotional stock in certain songs, events and places? Is it all planned and orchestrated, a dark grand design that is wheeled out as part of our ongoing and calculated manipulation of you?
The Lesser, as you might expect, creates the least powerful ever presence. This is as a consequence of two factors. The first is that he does not act through calculation but rather through instinct. He will know that picking a nick name for you, choosing “our song” and sending you a few gifts is part of how the romancing should proceed but he gives little thought as to how this will impact on you. Secondly, the weaving of ever presence occurs through the seduction phase as a consequence of the creation of all these marvellous memories. The Lesser does not so much go in for love-bombing but rather keeps the beast under lock and key during the golden period (which might be better named as the bronze period for the Lesser Narcissist). Since there is less in the way of love-bombing it follows that there is less sowing of the ever presence. The Lesser does however gain a distinct advantage over the other two schools as a consequence of this approach. The paucity of ever presence items means that when you happen upon one it has particular resonance. He may not have been overly romantic during the seduction but the fact that he baked some chocolate muffins for you and they became his signature dish means that the memory is especially strong with such an item. The fact that he would only slow dance with you to one particular song means that should you ever hear that song again, the recollection of dancing cheek to cheek is powerful indeed. None of this arises from calculation. The Lesser does the bare minimum when it comes to the seduction. Taken further, when dealing with the Victim Narcissist (who is usually a Lesser and occasionally a Mid-Range) you actually contribute to the creation of ever presence. This happens because you made certain dishes that he enjoyed and therefore should you make them now, it will remind you of how he praised you for making that delicious pie or tasty lasagne. It might be that every Sunday he took his weekly bath and you would scrub his back and wash his hair for him, pandering to the mothering instinct that many Victim Narcissists require. Each week at 7pm on a Sunday you will be moved to think that this was the time when you would tend to him in the bathroom. Thus the demands and the needs of the Lesser become a form of ever presence in themselves.
The Mid-Range, similarly lacking awareness, does not know that he is creating ever presence. He does however have enough about him to know that making a good effort during seduction will win him the prize that he requires and he will make good use of all the usual tangible effects which go into creating ever presence. He will sow them through the seduction. He will endeavour to mirror your likes and dislikes but he will also use his ability to evoke pity to good effect in the creation of ever presence. For instance, he may choose certain songs which he claims are representative of his desire for you. You may not actually like the songs that much, perhaps they are a different musical genre to the ones you like, but you are still pleased that he has taken the time to send these songs to you and to make them part of what constitutes “you and him”. Accordingly, these songs take on a particular resonance as they become representative of the relationship. You could not bear to tell him that you found Luther Vandross or Michael Buble corny, he sidled up to you simpering and cooing, so you went with the flow and allowed them to be woven into the relationship until they mattered. The Mid-Range places particular emphasis on wooing his victim (whereas the Greater bowls the victim over with his magnificence) and as part of this wooing he will ensure that he looks presentable, takes the victim to special places and treats the victim well, offering gifts and other favours. All of this wooing creates the ever presence which is a happy side effect from the behaviour of the Mid-Range.
The Greater sets out to establish ever presence with his victims. He knows of his addictive quality and wants to get you hooked. He deliberately ascertains what you like not only in order to mirror you as perfectly as possible but also to gather ammunition for the purposes of creating the ever presence. The Greater knows that for ever presence to be effective it must span the five senses and be regularly imprinted so the victim is conditioned. The Greater also knows that the grander the gesture and of course he is all about the grandiosity, the more likely it is to have an imprinting effect. By combining this with repetition and the breadth and depth of the use of all five senses, the ever presence created by the Greater is formidable indeed. The Greater also goes further because he not only will lace where you live with so much ever presence but he will endeavour to infect other places as well. The place you work, the places you dine, the places you like to shop, to go walking, go cycling and so forth. During the seduction, each time the Greater does something new with his victim he will be looking to imprint his presence on the event. It might be carving the initials on a tree beneath which you sat holding hands, it might be naming the view after you both when you halted on a mountain bike ride. It could be asking a bar man to create a cocktail in your name or ensuring that you are recognised and called by name by the maitre’d at certain establishments.
The Greater knows exactly what he is doing when he creates ever presence. Not only this, he has done it so many times with other victims he knows that it is effective. He already has a template which he applies. A template of songs, fragrances, textures, places and tastes that he uses for each victim. He might vary some of the items within this template, but often they are the same. He will ensure that his cologne is distinct and unusual, that there are key songs that embody the relationship, he will leave a particular piece of clothing with you early on which is pleasant to touch, he will ensure there are signature bars, restaurants, walks and such like. This imprinting will continue in the bedroom where he will perhaps unveil a particular word or phrase which is unusual (to you) which he uses on the point of orgasm (yours or his) or as a safe word. He will murmur something in your ear and touch you in a particular way, when combining with music in the same way to ensure that your sensations are heightened so that when you hear that song, you not only think of the Greater but you hear his voice in your ear and his breath on your neck. All of it is calculated and planned, even though there may not be vast differences between what is applied to each of his victims. After all, if it works and is efficient, he will go along with it.
44 thoughts on “Ever Presence”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I’m on holiday at the moment and even in another county I can’t escape his ever presence. Have you heard GMF by John Grant, HG? It was played at the poolside today and it’s been stuck in my head ever since. My ex played it to me several times and even has a video of himself singing it on his Facebook page. I can’t think of a song with more appropriate lyrics. It suits him down to the ground.
I know K and Caroline, it epitomises such depth and heartache. I truly loved him that much and I thought he did I. Not so.
That one experience will not stop me being a love devotee- at one point reading this blog – I was ashamed to be.
I’ve been thinking about this during the weekend. This site is keeping ever presence going for me!
I’ve never thought of him so much as since I started to contribute to the blog. It’s frustrating me. So I’ve joined Tinder to move on. (Don’t bother Tudor – I’d recognise you in an instant!)
Blank
See yourself as a piece of canvas. Blank.
What do you want on this canvas?
I have always loved Monet myself. I would love to see France one day. And England.
Each day is a new canvas and a chance at life.
Windstorm, I remember every dream and still awaken quite often sweating and crying from the nightmares! I don’t sleep much. I figure the less I sleep the better my chances of not having any.
I have a friend who I coached into going no contact, it’s been a long hard road but she is getting better, so what happens? She gets a piece of mail with his name on it. She goes on YouTube and that stupid song that he sent her is in her feed. Do these things happen randomly or is the narc pulling strings. It seems when she is finally reaching milestones of healing, one of these ever present things just happens to show up. What’s up with that? It never fails. And it takes her back to hell every time.
Blank,
I left the website for similar reasons, thinking I was fine. Then doubt crept in. It didn’t help that others didn’t believe me. Another former victim, while on one hand recognizing she was abused and that this person is a narc still does not see him for what he is. She doesn’t think he plans in advance and is more opportunistic. She thinks she knows all his manipulations and after four years she probably has seen a good chunk. But she doesn’t know the full truth of what happen with me (to painful).
It is ok to break this promise. You need to make a new one, to yourself. That you ARE worthy, you ARE beautiful, you ARE strong and to let NO ONE take that from you. Ever. You cannot save that which does not want to be saved. You cannot make him see you as you need to see yourself.
Hi Wounded. Thanks for your comment. It’s true that people don’t realize what a narcissist is like. I also have two friends who were involved with narcs when they were younger (police involvement and all). But when we talked about it and I tried to explain these guys were most likely narcissists, they just kind of stared at me. I could here them think “a narcissist? isn’t that the kind of guy that brags and shows his muscles on Instagram?” People often don’t get it and to be honest I’m not even trying to mention the word to anyone anymore.
Rationally I know it’s okay to break this promise Wounded. If I decide this time to stop looking at him, it will be for good (meaning also I have to give up following the band he is in, which saddens me really).
It feels like I have to pull out the power plug of a machine where a loved one is still breathing, although you know there is no life without the machine (I hope no one will be offended by me using this example). I know I have to do it, but it will end all hopes and dreams (that I know aren’t even real) and I’ll have to grieve (again).
I hope you are going to be alright Wounded. Maybe we need to get back here once in a while to get some confirmation. xx
Broken rainbow, yes it does get better! It’s not easy! The road is very long for some. Stay here with us and HG, we will help you, however you must go no contact. Read HGs books. They are very inexpensive and can be downloaded to most devices. You can do this! You deserve peace and happiness in your life. 🌻
I often will dream of the narcs that I’ve been involved with, at one time or another, they just pop into my head randomly. I hate that, because then you start thinking about them. You can stay out of their spheres of influence, you can go no contact and all the rest, but you can’t control your dreams, and dreams can be and seem very real and bring up lots of emotions and feelings. It’s very annoying.
Tigerschelle
I know what you mean. For 50 years, no matter how old I was, married, children, grown children – every single dream would always be set in the home I lived in as a child, my mother, father and exhusband would always be present. Even 30 years after I’d escaped from there. Only in the last 5 or so years have I had dreams that take place elsewhere and are narc-free.
Windstorm
Wow. Thats some recurring dream streak! Now why couldnt it have been a dream about the best orgasm you ever had instead of narcs. So unfair.
(Note the exclamation point).
NarcAngel
Ha, ha! No, I missed the exclamation point! So glad you pointed it out to me. 😀
Alas, the only orgasms I’ve ever had were self-generated and that’s just not dream worthy. If I dreamed of sex with my exhusband it would be in a nightmare. Lol!
Windstorm
I’m glad there’s been a positive change in your dreamscape.
Thanks, Caroline. They’re still nightmares, but at least they’re set in different places.
That makes me think. All dreams that I am able to remember on waking are always nightmares. Are any of the rest of you all like that
Hey Tiger. I have nightmares, not dreams. For what it is worth, just my thought, I have suddenly awakened to the emotions you speak of.
Venus….
I’m really sorry to hear this,
I know how horrible this is, and how those emotions and feelings can feel powerful and ruin the rest of the day, as the memories then of the dream linger on for sometimes days after.
I have very hurtful dreams/nightmares too. Sometimes my husband has woken me up because I have been crying and making muffling noises and shaking my head and stuff whilst still asleep….I also clench so hard, that at times I wear a mouth guard because at times I grind my teeth. I get headaches from grinding and clenching too much when I’m asleep. I take a sleeping pill every night even to get to sleep lol because my anxiety is so bad. That’s with high dosage anxiety/psych meds already. I am unable to relax.
Windstorm…
I’m so sorry to to hear about your dreams too but glad they are now narc-free. Yes I used to have many with them being at the house where I grew up in. Not so much anymore. The damage is ongoing from narcs often for years to come. I’m sure they love that.
But we eventually process and get rid of most of the pain, and anger and that’s done even through dreaming. Whenever I have one of these type dreams, I know I’m processing some more pain.
I’m glad that we can do this. Again, narcs don’t dream, and therefore can’t process any of their pain. That’s probably why they got so much pain to give to others.
The man is on my mind 24/7.
I am completey obsessed with him. Not that I express this in any way to him or others. I promised him I would always be there for him untill I’d die. And it breaks my heart that I would not keep that promise.. any promise. He’s now out of sight, living the golden period with his new crush. Everything is now silent on FB and Instagram. I followed his seduction steps. Noticed his sudden change of favourite music (from rock to hiphop), watched him dress in a completely different way (from grey T’s to colourfull shirts), his sudden interest in dance, which he never had before, etc.. I see everything he’s doing, the patterns, all I learned on this website is happening, I can even predict what will happen next.
It’s been a 4 years obsession now. On and off from ‘No Contact’ to wanting to find out how he is, by looking at his social media accounts (he’s a public figure and I secretly watch his Instagram stories).
A part of me wants to warn her (or actually her mother, who is my age, and is now thrilled that her daughter is with such a wonderful, soft hearted, good looking musician – I’m sure she’d even want to date him herself, she is crazy about the band he is in).
Another part of me tells me to sit back and wait, because this is a model, with self esteem and loads of followers (unlike me). Maybe she can handle his narcissism, she could even be a narcissist herself, having all these gorgeous body-half-nudes on her instagram.
I am in a lot of pain, not only because of his new crush (whereof I can’t stand the thought of his hands on her body), but also because of the promise I made. I just feel that I can’t stay away. What when the model has dumped him? He’ll be looking for me (because I am the only person ever finding out about his narcissism and he trusted me to talk about his demons). And then he will be unable to find me and he’ll think: “See, that’s what people are like, untrustworthy.” And it will confirm his idea that all people are bad and you can’t trust a single person.
It’s killing me, that I am the one who will let him down.
(Yes I know he let me down also, but that doesn’t change a thing for me)
Oh, Blank, I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I understand where you are coming from and the way you feel. But, Blank, please start detaching your emotions from this guy. You are withering away and wasting your precious life on someone who does not care about you, does not see you as a human being, does not see the wonderful tender-hearted person you are. He does not care about and appreciate your loyalty and never will. You are projecting your good qualities on him thinking you will let him down if you walk away. He does not care whether it’s you or someone else. People are fungible to narcs. No one is unique and special. He will just move on to someone else. Please think of yourself for once. You are letting yourself down by putting yourself on this guy’s altar. He does not deserve it. Please organize a consult with HG, read his book “Excorcism,” it’s full of practical tips on how to combat obsessive thoughts about the narc. Please save yourself. Stay here. We will support you in your healing journey. You can do this. You are stronger than you think. I promise you there’s a better life for you.
I.L… your kind words made me cry. Thank you, it is what I really needed to do, after 4 days of pain, when I found out my conjecture (is that the right word?) of him having a new IPPS was true.
He was acting weird the last couple of months, I did not recognize his behaviour, so I expected there was a new person he was seducing.
This woman (who is gorgeous) started following him, he followed her and I saw her in the audience (on video’s) from that time on. But there are loads of women following him, so I couldn’t be sure, I just knew she was 100% his type of woman…
Then, last week he was on holidays abroad and while he never posted a regular picture, he made an I-story of a building and a river. I was positive that he wasn’t alone on a trip, so I was going to check some women’s stories as well. I checked hers first and BANG!, she posted the exact same building at the exact same time. My heart stood still.
The pain I felt since that moment was terrible, I couldn’t help myself thinking – all night long- about what they’d be doing in that hotel (like in details).This afternoon I was gardening and, while cutting dead flowers, I thought this is the first time I sincerely understand why some people harm and cut themselves. You just want to get rid of the pain. I felt like screaming, crying, anything, which I didn’t, untill now. Crying truly does help relieve pain and anxiety. So thanks again I.L. xx
I know I need to stop thinking about him in a emotional way. It just isn’t in my nature to turn my back on anyone, especially not the people I love. And I love him, I truly do, although I know I could never be with him.
Any of HG’s advice I’ve read makes sense. It’s not that I do not know what to do or want to be stubborn. When I left this website months ago, I was positive that I’d made it, that I could stay NC for good.
That’s why I’m back now, because obviously I couldn’t, and perhaps I need more comfirmation or reassurance or time. And it’s nice to “be” in a place where people talk about the same kind of experience, because “in real life” you can’t talk about it. The times you tried nobody seemed to understand.
Sorry for the long read again, I feel loads of empathy for all the people that have been, or still are in a relationship with a narc. It is such a lonely existance and it is so hard to get out, for good.
IL
So well said.
You are a darling.
Dear Blank, I am so glad my words brought you some encouragement and comfort. If I could, I would go to where you are, hug you,and hold you as you are crying and letting it all out. It’s very therapeutic for sure. I so understand the agony, anguish, and excruciating pain you are feeling. I have been there. No contact is the only answer. You must completely disconnect from him and anything connected to him. Withdrawal will be painful but the only way is through it. You will get through it. We will help you do it. You said you cannot turn your back on people you love. I understand that. But, Blank, if you continue to engage with him, you are turning your back on yourself. Please don’t do it. Blank needs you to take care of yourself, to protect yourself from hurt. Will you take care of her? Will you protect her? She needs you. She is waiting to be loved, cared for, and protected. You know what to do. Freedom awaits you. Life awaits you. Happiness awaits you. Seize the power, Blank. You can do this. We believe in you. We are here to walk through this by your side.
You are right I.L. I know you are right, but it’s hard. I’ll try my best this time. Thanks again xx
Hi Blank,
Reading your post affected me and I wanted to respond to you, with hopefully some support in processing the emotional attachment that you feel to the narcissist.
Logic and reason can not stop us from feeling emotions, and we can not selectively numb the painful emotions. We can feel it all like a rollercoaster, your heart dipping up and down, sometimes feeling like it’s in your throat with excitement and not being able to breathe, and sometimes dropping to your stomach with an aching, hard to bear.
Logic and reason and understanding who he is , his patterns and behaviours, the cycle he is living in, is important.
As a longer standing reader here you know what you need to know logically I’m sure. Your rational mind can help give you time to work on the emotional attachment.
Logic would advise you to reinforce NC again, on phone, email etc. To block him on social media or even better deactivate your accounts, even if it is for a specific period of time ( 1 month for example).
Social media is one of the narcissists greatest tools to reinforce their facade, it helps depict and enhance their illusion, because that is exactly what you are looking at – an illusion of his creation. Nothing is real for him. He can not feel the real, it is all pretence.
Every time you check his profiles you are stabbing yourself with pain and reinforcing attachments to his illusion.
Social media is addictive just as the narcissist is, if you feel able to remove yourself from it for a time I promise you it will make a difference.
A month of the real world, a month of not torturing yourself, a month of getting out of the habit, out of an addiction to checking daily, hourly… a month of freedom… if you return to it to be in contact with other people important to you that’s cool. You will hopefully notice a difference, and you can set yourself rules to go on only a couple of times a week for example. ( with him blocked so he is invisible to you and you are invisible to him).
I am advising this in the knowledge that it worked for me, but with the knowing that everyone is different.. still maybe worth a shot.
I also wanted to open up another possible view of the model girlfriend. I felt through your post that you feel she is confident because she is a model, and you feel she is beautiful and would be the one to get rid of him ?
Models can be some of the most insecure, unsure and vulnerable people you could meet. Their lives are judgment, their lives are conformity to expectations and pressure.
Please watch the ted talk linked below it may help you see her in another light…
It could be that she is self conscious, full of self doubt and in need of as much validation as he is. She is also the perfect trophy for him and he Is likely basking in her residual benefits and his affiliation with being her partner… that doesn’t not make her more real to him or more worthy. She will suffer the same cycle as every other person has, it will just be in line with what he can get from her first. If she has self esteem issues then he is probably getting masses of fuel from her now in the use of flattery and attention – which she would be positively reinforcing and reciprocating.
To clear your mind of him you first need to remove your aim / sights from him, changing your point of focus to you.
We can go over the whys and how’s and what for’s, rehashing memories, and situations..
understanding perspectives from both sides is important but there is a balance to strike so you are not ruminating and reinforcing attachments.
If you feel able to -write out questions you want to know answers to, and trying answering them yourself , say them outloud and see what pops up.
If you feel able to -when you have a thought of him pop in your mind say to yourself, thoughts are just thoughts, they are not fact, I can acknowledge this and move it on.
If there are emotions linked to the thought take a minute to think what the emotion is, try and identify it, and then self soothe as best you can, tell yourself it’s ok to feel this as it needs to be felt to move on. As you said crying can help as this is a relief and expression of emotion.
You need to feel to heal!
Going out for a walk, a run, an exercise class can also help in the physical release of emotion.
There is a mindfulness technique called 5 senses – this is quite nice to do when out walking.
With the focus on you, plan in things for you, things you would enjoy, that can distract you and fill your time productively.
With regards to the “one to let him down” thought process, please know and tell yourself “everyone he has interacted with has let him down”, no one is immune to this outcome as his expectations are not achievable.
You are not the one to reinforce that he can not trust people and that they are bad – HE reinforces it by repeating the same pattern with everyone he meets, that thought process was ingrained a long time ago and there is nothing you could have done or ever can do to change that. That is a core belief he has developed – only he can work on this and his defence mechanism is unlikely to allow him to do so.. please try and free yourself from this thought – you can not save him, but you can save you…
It is the emotions that take the greatest time to process… try and give yourself this time by using your rational mind to force a change in your point of focus – “we see what we aim at”
Try and make the aim you ! Where you want to be.
Good luck blank, I will be thinking of you and sending positive vibes and optimism- I have linked a song below also with optimism in my mind…. music can lift you up when you need it.. hear the message and know your worth !
https://youtu.be/0IvGV52r1DE
The ted talk is this one –
https://youtu.be/KM4Xe6Dlp0Y
Excellent advice and insight, Quasi!
Thank you so much Quasi, for making the effort to write all this. I can feel you’ve been there, by reading how you write about the emotions. “Not being able to breath..” that is exactly how I felt when I had gone NC. Every time, after two months or so, I feel I can’t breath and I don’t know how to change that. It makes me go back all the time.
I know I have to work on the emotional attachment. Social media as such is not really addictive for me. I don’t do anything on social media, it’s just looking at him (and the band) and what he’s up to. But I know I have to stop looking. Like I said to Wounded here… it feels like pulling the plug and losing all hopes and dreams. And then the grieving (again..).
Thanks again Quasi, also for the links. I watched the Ted talk and I think I was aware of this, that not all models are confident, but this woman he is involved with really looks very confident and at ease all of the time (although one can never tell of course). I think this whole model/image/fake industry should be forbidden. It makes so many people unhappy. Everything is fake these days, especially on social media. Narc told me he does everything for his image and that I will never be able to change him. He’s very honest you know ;).
The song… I’ll dance to it tonight 🙂 Take care Quasi! xx
Hi Blank,
I thought after I replied to you that I went on with the advise, and you did not ask for this, so I do apologise for this. Sometimes it’s more about expressing yourself and being heard then it is about getting advise. I plan to work on differentiation in this regard as I continue to read the blog.
So thank you for your kind response, and taking the time to read my little essay and watch the links.
I am definitely high in sensitivity in the depth of how I feel emotions. When I express them with others they may be considered as a tanker of emotion!
I think your narcissist was being honest when he said that too you, no changing from his perspective..
I hope things move in the direction you want to go Blank, I wish you well in the journey. X
Well said Quasi.
Blank’s ex-N sets himself up to achieve this outcome everytime. He is the one responsible for this outcome. He isn’t doing a thing to change the trajectory that he’s set for himself, so Blank can throw off that false responsibility like an old flea-ridden coat.
Actually he’s OK with this outcome, as this is the nature of addiction. He wants the new and the short-lived.
He can’t receive Blank’s love as she wants to give it, and that’s not her fault.
He will treat the new girl badly soon. It’s guaranteed.
Blank
I wish I could fast track this excruciating grief process for you.
We understand what you’re saying. Talk to us about it.
We’re walking this road with you.
Thanks so much for your kind words, Caroline!
Thanks sweet Caroline, I’ll stick around for a while.
How have you been (since… last year)? I haven’t been able to read older comments yet.
Thanks for walking with me Caroline, that feels comforting xx
Blank,
Do NOT attempt to warn anybody. That is one of the traps we fall into, myself included. First, no one will believe you. Secondly, you will present as batshit crazy. Neither of the above will be in your favor. I believe HG has penned an article addressing this issue.
When he gets down, it’s logically shouldn’t be your responsibility. Keep remind that he’s a narc and you deserve another life without him in it. He don’t deserve your simphaty.
This!!!! This!!!! There are so many memories and now I am finally starting to understand why. He infiltrated every sense that I have. We did everything together and went to different places. I can’t go anywhere without “seeing” him or “feeling” him and it truly makes No Contact so hard to deal with. If I could leave the city I live in I would. But I can’t leave my mind and no matter how hard I try to “forget”, I simply can’t. Does it ever get better?
BrokenRainbow,
Over time it does get better. The memories – both painful and positive – do fade…but I find that it cycles. I’m 15 months post-formal relationship. I saw him recently (in person, unintentionally) and was able to ignore him and feel nothing in his presence. On the other hand, I was also recently outdoors, up a ladder & painting (where I’m staying at the moment) and found myself, unexpectedly, in tears, not able to see what I was doing.
It was because the neighbours were having a summer party – playing music and entertaining in the backyard and a song came up that triggered the sensation of being in the early relationship with my narc – on a random roadtrip…that sense of summer fun and freedom and a little bit of crazy…and I was taken back in time…
But I wasn’t missing the person he was/is or used to be – I was missing the way I felt when I was with him.
I wasn’t expecting that one.
And I had never been subject to an intense positive memory from my entanglement.
The juxtaposition of both the recent physical meeting with him – an no feeling – vs. the intense memory of the feeling ‘created’ by being his presence long ago really cemented for me that it is not about them…it is about how we feel when we are with them…and we want to feel that again. However, to feel those things again are not dependent upon them – they just want us to think that is so.
And, as HG has stated, our emotional thinking wants us to believe that too.
“But I wasn’t missing the person he was/is or used to be – I was missing the way I felt when I was with him.”
Truer words have never been spoken. Thank you for this WC.
Thank-you Pale Horse.
For me I think the intense positive emotions associated with the narc are harder to deal…it is easy to want to ‘purge’ the negative emotions…who actually wants to purge positive emotions!?
harder to deal *with
Does the ever presence change with each person in the fuel matrix? Whereas one might go all-out for the primary or IPSS bit not so much for a DLS? And how would that change if love bombing was not used in the typical fashion (if the victim were to feel uncomfortable with such attention)?
For the record I burned EVERYTHING. Gone. Done. Learned quite quickly the power of ever presence after breaking NC.
Correct. The establishment of ever presence is at its height for the IPPS.
Well done on your purge.
Either the memory of past bliss is the anguish of to-day; or the agonies which are have their origins in ecstasies which might have been.
Edgar Allan Poe 🥀💔
That to me is ever-presence. I could have been Annabel Lee 💡
Presque Vu
What a perfect quote. Heartache and angst, and wide awake at 3am. The quiet crying at 4am. EAP had been there.
It is a beautiful poem, Presque Vu.
But we loved with a love that was more than love—
I and my Annabel Lee— E.A.P.