Trapped – The Car
Control.
We need to control everything around us. This must be done so we can gain fuel. This must be done because our natural paranoia causes us to need to exert our will on those around us, before they can do so to us and undoubtedly with catastrophic consequences. Only by exerting control can we be sure and satisfied that the order of things will be as we require it to be. We hate to be subject to the control of others. That reminds us of matters which are best left alone.
This need and desire for control causes us to adjust our manipulations so that we can engineer situations where we can achieve total control. Total control arises when we have you trapped.
This concept of trapping you works on several levels. The widest level is within the confines of the Narcissistic Relationship. This is why we regard your entanglement with us as being permanent. We chose you and now you belong to us. You have no say in this of course, why would you when you are not of our calibre? The idea of trapping you continues in terms of the Formal Relationship. This is why we move swiftly to proclaim you as our boyfriend, fiancee, partner, wife and so forth. The application of this labelling is more than just a convenient way of referring to you. We trap you during seduction with the illusion that we create. We trap you during devaluation through the application of our machinations to ensure that you remain stuck and confused. We place traps all around you so they snap close and hold you tight. We get you pregnant, we isolate you from your friends, we make you give up your job so you become financially dependent on us (although we will naturally complain about you leeching off us later on), we stop you seeing your family, we smear people to you and you to them so you are cut adrift from your support networks. On and on it goes the placing and laying of these traps at varying levels so you remain trapped.
This trapping continues within the various stages of the narcissistic cycle. Most often this manifests when we are devaluing you. In keeping with the need to have total control, we want to engineer situations where you are under our control, unable to escape us and thus we can exact our machinations against you and extract what we want from you. To do this, we create Situational Traps and there are many of them which I shall detail to you over the course of various articles, but we shall begin with a Situational Trap which is a favourite of ours; the car.
We will naturally be at the wheel after all the car is ours (whether it might be in your name is irrelevant) and so we have to be the one driving. We choose where we are going, the speed at which we go, the controls of the car are under our charge. You are sat besides us, seatbelt on, buckled in to your seat as the world flashes by. You cannot escape us. You cannot jump from the car. You might unclip your seatbelt and climb into the back of the vehicle, if you are nimble enough, although we will stop you from trying to do that. You are in the hotseat, right next to us and we know it.
You may we well cuffed to a chair in some dingy basement, with a single bright light shining in your face for the interrogation and treatment will be of a similar nature. The journey may have begun pleasantly enough but if this is a trip which is taking place during the devaluation period, all it takes is for your to blunder in to criticising us and then our fury ignites and the nastiness commences. With you trapped we know that we have you all to ourselves. There is nowhere for you to go. With a Mid-Ranger or a Greater, you will be lured into the vehicle purely for the purposes of us being to rely on the Situational Trap. The behaviour which has offended us may have taken place earlier, in some instances days earlier and with plotting mind firing away, we avail ourselves of the opportunity to coerce you to go on a journey with us. It will undoubtedly be under some false pretence; a picnic, a drive to the coast, a trip to the shopping mall. Once you are in, the seat belt is on and the central locking clicks, then you are our prisoner. The smile we wore fades in an instant and the fury which we have kept under control is now allowed to the surface. This enables us to draw fuel form your reactions, your pleading, your questioning, your puzzled expression, the fright in your eyes and such like. We may well have placed your bag in the boot which contains your ‘phone so you cannot call anybody. If you try to reach for your ‘phone, it will be snatched from you and thrown to one side, quite possibly from the moving vehicle as we ensure that you are isolated and trapped.
You cannot go anywhere. There is nobody to ask for help. You cannot move out of this confined space. Thus we have placed you in this Situation Trap which is allowing us to exert complete and utter control over you, enabling us to do as we please, for howsoever long we choose and accordingly, such total control is very much an outcome that we aim for.
When we have you to ourselves in this manner, so begins the unpleasant treatment which is all designed to ensure you remain subjected to our power and for you to give us fuel. There are many different ways we exert this when we have you trapped in the passenger seat besides us and these are some of those ways:-
- Driving at an excessive speed and/or recklessly;
- Slamming the breaks on causing you to jolt forward, then accelerating, then braking hard again, catapulting you back and forth;
- Braking hard when you are about to take a drink so it spills;
- Turning up the music extremely loud;
- Cross-examining you relentlessly about something you have done or not done;
- Administering a silent treatment;
- Telling you at the outset of the journey that we are going somewhere and then driving in a different direction or past the destination and refusing to explain where we are going;
- Assaulting you physically as we drive;
- Driving at night in an unlit area and switching the lights on and off;
- Swerving violently over the road, overtaking at dangerous places;
- Repeatedly insulting you;
- Shouting at you;
- Poking you as we question you.
- Driving into the middle of nowhere in silence, save for a baleful glare that we keep giving you;
- Threatening to drive us both off a cliff and heading towards such an area;
- Threatening to throw you from the car whilst it is moving;
- Circular conversations;
- Lengthy monologues about ourselves which have you bored to tears.
The effect of this behaviour will vary in intensity. Sometimes it is purely to frustrate you because we have not gone to the place that was promised. On other occasions it is to allow us to talk at you and question you so you are made to feel bored or uncomfortable. Then again, the nastiness and intimidation is increased whereby the intention is to terrify you and have you scared witless.
Having behaved in this manner and left you terrified, shaking and scared, we may well purposefully drive into an area where the traffic is slower and there are other cars around to test you to see if you try to escape us or attract attention from somebody else. We will be waiting for you to test our control and if you do, there will be further repercussions.
Repeated applications of this behaviour will eventually condition you to the point that you dread being told that
“We are going for a drive.”
Since you have come to know only too well that it is far more than just going for a drive. It is placing you in a cell right next to us, a cell from which you are unable to move or escape and thus we can apply our twisted machinations against you all in the name of fuel and further control.
You are trapped and it is to drive you insane.
39 thoughts on “Trapped – The Car”
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Haha no way this would happen to me. I’ve been fooled by narcs before but never would I be sitting in the passenger seat.
At one point in time I worked 12 hour graveyard shifts 5 days a week. I was never ” allowed “to get any sleep. I had 3 children in school and he never helped with them at all , or the house cleaning or the cooking etc so during my work week I was lucky to get 3 to 4 hours of sleep a day. I also have epilepsy so sleep deprivation was not a smart thing and it affected my health greatly. The crazy thing is…he only worked 16 hours a week because ” it was too stressful for him to work more”On my last shift of the week I was always relieved that I could catch up on my sleep. I would get off at 8 am ( after being awake all night)and he would announce that we would be going on a road trip. Of course I would fall asleep during the car ride, to which he would get furious. He would call me lazy and useless and say that I didn’t even care enough about him to stay awake when he was being so thoughtful. He would threaten to kick me and the kids out of the car if i dared disrespect and ignore him in that way again.The rage he had towards me in those moments were truly frightening, I can’t even put it into words. It was truly crazymaking and terrifying. I get a sick feeling now just remembering
Watch “Blue Valentine” if you haven’t seen it.
I had a different experience.
Vehicles featured prominently in my entanglement as well, but my experiences *in* the vehicle, with my narc, were mostly of a positive nature. We went on many road trips – I have very fond memories of those as a result. I can look back and see, at times, during the golden period when he used it as a means to control…or to test – but I trusted him when we were traveling. I think it was because I had been witness to his superior driving skills on many occasions – winter driving in Canada can be pretty scary or fairly fun – depending on your perspective…and the person doing the driving.
During devaluation, my narc used ‘the car’ – or the lack of – in other negative ways. If I reflect on it …now, I’m pretty sure that he tampered with our vehicle…and then blamed it on others. *That* is scary if I dwell on it…
It does not matter what a narcissist says or does. They can try to mimic you… they can try to trick you… they can try to seduce you… they can try to take you down.
But it’s a waste of their time. YOU are authentic, so they can’t win at that game — unless you choose not to see.
If you know THE truth (not “your” truth, which is a watered down way to say it — it’s either true or it’s not true!)… then they really can’t hurt you anymore.
Word.
Word yall!!! Love this post Caroline .. just saying xx
Thank you, sweetie Quasi! Hope all is sunny on your side of the pond, Missy:-)
XO!
I adore you Caroline.. a simple line and I’m smiling. All is well this side of the pond, I hope all is well with you also.. Qxx
Excellent, Quasi~~All is well on this side of the pond too. 🙂 I’m meeting friends for drinks and dinner (fish-n-chips!) Okay… it’s not going to be fish-n-chips, lol. 😉 (But wish you could come. Have a good evening!)
Fab, have a good night lovely.. enjoy and be merry.
If I was that side of the pond I “would be in there like swim wear”… ( translation- I would have loved to join the outing to dine with you guys)
Alas I am sat at my dining table catching up on my case notes for work, as I do on many nights – getting happily distracted by narcsite banter.
anyway get back to your evening lovely, I will chuck a love bomb at you again soon no doubt! Xx
What is life without my Quasi love bombs?
So many possible answers but I’m told off by many when I put myself down so I will go with – slightly quieter … but maybe less entertaining. Xx
😄. Love your humor!
Quasi:
1) You’re adorable!
2) If in doubt about #1, just ask “Caroline-feels-fine.”
3) If HG publishes this comment, he agrees with #1.
4) I came up with the perfect way for you to get an awesome (albeit indirect) compliment from a Greater!
😉
Now, now, you ought to know better than to attempt to speak on my behalf. I regard Quasi as a valuable contributor.
No, Sir, HG…I’d never speak on your behalf.
Look, Quasi!! I got HG to say you’re a “valuable contributor”!
:-)!!!
Spotted… you have got skills xx
Thank you HG.
Get in!
And you have had me in stitches again… I adore you even more now Caroline. xx
Love!
Thank you, Nunya 🙂
This one cuts so deep. So intense. I’ve blocked many of these out. I recall some of them and I don’t want to. This article has struck the PTSD cord. In fact, at this very moment, the center of my chest feels so heavy and dark like there’s a big fat hairy monster sitting dead cetre.
The shame.
The dirt.
The subjecting.
The fear.
The guilt.
The pain.
The end result.
And always always always the trauma induced fears of being in a vehicle at all. Others think the fear is irrational and self subjective however it was at one time very very fucking real.
Most times he would end this kind of trip in such a belittling, violent or self pleasure type of way.
I feel another narcsite break coming up.
This is triggering for me
Blank….I feel the anxiety come up as I read this too….Been there, got the T-shirt, several times. I’ve been in a few car accidents too.
If it’s a car without central locking, then when the car stops at traffic lights, undo the seat belt, and get out, which I have done, (to my father’s surprise) and then ran and hid. But where central locking is concerned, this cannot be done. I am nimble enough to climb into back seat. And once there, you wouldn’t want me behind you, that’s for sure! Can’t drive if you can’t bloody see can you? Who’s in control now?!
Thank for the advice Tiger, but I’m happy to say that I haven’t been in the car with him since we divorced. Not that I would have done what you did, that I find too dangerous. I’m glad you survived. Be careful! x
Yes, I remember nearly passing out from the terror, or maybe I did briefly, not sure. The car ride from hell. Thanks for the flashback, HG (she states sarcastically). I need a long break from this site, heart pounding, too much some times.
Being back on this website, this is something I don’t like about it: any time I read an article, I literally feel the anxiety coming back when I remember situations as HG is describing. My ex husband would always do things like:
-almost run out of gasoline, just to upset me. I’d see the red light appear and ask him to stop by a gas station, but he would drive past the first one and the second… I think he might even have counted the gasoline drops, so he’d know exactly how far he could go upsetting me. Especially on holidays, while driving through the mountains in a foreign country, it would stress me out terribly and I’d have visions of spending the night in the middle of nowhere, without food or water.
-we would go on holidays without making any hotel reservations. So he would drive and drive and when it was around 6 of 7 pm I’d ask him to look for a hotel. When a hotelsign appeared I was very happy and asked him to go there and he would just ignore me and drive on. When I’d tell him I was starving or tired he would either ignore me or come up with vague word salades why he could not stop yet. Did not make any sense. This would happen almost every night, so we always ended up finding an hotel at 10 or 11 pm, often meaning we couldn’t eat anymore (or just grab a snack at the bar). And normally, meals are the most important thing to him (especially with expensive bottles of wines), so he did those things just for fuel. I realize this only now. At the time I never understood why all of this was happening, giving me the feeling that I was always complaining and spoiling the atmosphere, instead of having happy holidays.
-never ever ask anyone for directions if we were lost. He’d rather drive 4 hours extra than ask anyone.
-follow the navigation strictly, although he knew exactly where to go. Meaning we would drive in circles through an industrial area, where we were not supposed to be. And when I’d ask him why he would do this while he knew the right direction, he’d just smile or give me the stare and no answer.
God I whish I had known about all these stupid things narcissists do 30 years ago. It would have saved me so much anxiety and agony in life.
Blank
Very true. That’s why I always drive my own car. If the narc doesn’t want to ride, he can drive his own car.
Good for you Windstorm! I wish I had my own car. But luckily these days I’m not in any car with any narc anymore. That is to say, if you count my mother out, who is probably going to kill me one time soon, cause she is getting too old to drive and on drugs as well.
Blank, you must have had some fuel-filled responses to his travel related machinations for him to enjoy it so much!
Sure MB! Had I only known what I know now. These days he’s so bored with me that he’s back seducing his ex. My N-ex that is (divorced him end of last year, but still living next door). Narc-boyfriend is seducing the Vegan model, who is so moved by the environmental issues, that’s she’s all about this Vegan thing, forgetting that the hundreds of flights she makes in a year most likely damage the environment a lot more! (Notice how bitchy and jealous I sound? ;))
Ha! My ex-husband always pulled the “let’s see how far we can go still, when the gas light blinked on”. Same with me being on the passenger side getting anxious. It was in the early years of our marriage and we both had longer commutes for our job. That shit ended when one time he was late for work playing his little game and he ran out of gas. And this was in the late 90’s before cell phones. I secretly was so relieved I wasn’t in the car when it happened.
I read these kinds of experiences and am shocked to connect more dots to my ex-husband having way more narc traits then I realized. It just tenderized me for JN post divorce.
Luckily I do co-parent our daughter fairly well with him. I think I’ve learned a lot here that in general I just keep engaging as friendly but briefly as I can.
And don’t even get me started on food issues…constant theme in my marriage with the ex.
Haha, he ran out of gas. Unfortunately that never happened to my nex., as far as I know. I doubt if he would have let me know. Glad to read you do co-parent well.
Blank,
Hi ya… it’s Caroline (I’ve renamed myself “Caroline-feels-fine” because there’s another navy-colored Caroline on here).
Remember when you told me I must be some kind of angel? I am, and I don’t say that lightly or humorously — I have a great deal of light in me…but I also come with a mischievous streak, so I’m relatable. That’s what makes effective, under the radar… which is how I how I want to be.
Start at the beginning, Blank…where all things begin.
You feel anxiety reading certain blogs on this site. That’s because you have not yet 100% accepted what is true. You still fight it.
When you accept what is true… there will be more peace, bit-by-bit… no, not the easy way.
The true way.
XO.
Hi Caroline, I noticed the other ‘blue’ Caroline this afternoon and I was wondering if I had adressed the ‘right’ Caroline, but I’m glad I did.
What’s the fun of angels without the mischievous streaks Caroline? 😉
I don’t know about the acceptance. The weird thing is that at some point I was fine. Really, almost Zen. Divorced my N-husband and NC with narc boyfriend, although not full NC. I kept looking at his/their social media (cause I follow the band as well). I was fine with that, also because there wasn’t much going on. But now I know for sure that he broke up with his girlfriend (the one he already had, but I didn’t know of, till later) and he is dating this model. I suspect there were more women, but I never had proof. This time I know for sure and it hurts terribly. Especially because I stayed away from him (physically) since he had a grilfriend and now he moves on to the next without letting me know, never even told me. So it’s clear for me he never even wanted me. He just wanted my fuel. Well, he is without it now. I’ll get over him. Just need to keep myself busy.
Thanks angel! xx
Blank,
But remember: he only *ever* wants fuel, from *anyone.* So everyone will be a victim, sadly. They’re blind to it, but you no longer are…
You’re out of that craziness; be proud of yourself. It’s no small feat.
Hugs,
Caroline-feels-fine
P.S. Models… not as glamorous as you think! I was a child model for one year… it’s a truly funny (goofball Caroline) story, if you ever need a laugh (just ping me, if ya do).
PS: sorry, I just noticed that I did comment to the other Caroline the other day and not you. Sorry! I’ll try to remember who is who now 🙂
When I am trapped in a car with a sociopath I become immediately angry. I recollect this. Thank you for pointing this out, I only know two people who made me feel this way. My first live in and my mother in law. It is her favorite manipulation. Did you ever see the movie Blue Valentine?
Luckily I will never see her again.