Get Out, Stay Out (Part One)
What is G.O.S.O. ?
It is the golden concept of ‘Get Out, Stay Out’ which is what every victim of our kind ought to apply to their situation.
Whether you have realised that you have been ensnared by a narcissist or you now realise that this particular person is an abuser, GOSO is always applicable.
Those who have not been caught up in an entanglement with our kind may regard this as blindingly obvious. Of course, what they do not realise is that GOSO has two formidable enemies ; us and you – thus applying GOSO is far harder than they realise.
Of these two enemies it is evident why we are the first one. We regard you as our property, no matter where you sit in the fuel matrix, from NITS to IPPS, you belong to us and you are there to serve the fulfilment of the Prime Aims. The higher your status in the Fuel Index, the greater the effort that will be applied to keep you in place. You will be fully familiar with many of the various manipulations we use to ensure you go nowhere and remain in situ. Our Devil’s Toolkit is used to make sure you are compliant, pumping out fuel and under our control. This control is often substantial, however, you start to recognise the manipulations, you learn about gas lighting, triangulation, word salad and so on and begin to see when these are used. You begin to realise that you should not be treated in this way and with your increased understanding you start to loosen the grip that we have on you.
You begin to see matters in a different light. You now see an abuser, a narcissist, stood before you and not the person you once thought we were. Your resolve increases, your determination solidifies as you realise that you need to remove yourself from our toxic influence. You know what you are dealing with now – it is time to get out. However, there is a second enemy that has loomed into view – you.
You are your own enemy or more specifically, your emotional thinking is. You know you need to get out. Getting out maybe the clear act of ending the formal relationship, moving out of a property or moving us out – implementing no contact and that is the ultimate aim. Sometimes it is getting out of the abusive environment even though you cannot implement no contact, but you are getting out of the influence and detrimental behaviour that you have endured for so long. Whichever one it is, you realise it is time to get out.
It is then that this second enemy of emotional thinking strikes. Emotional thinking is a con artist. Its sole aim is to ensure that your addiction to us is fed. Emotional thinking does not have your interests at heart, although it will pretend that it does. You are trying to remove yourself from one con artist just as another appears although this one is just as hard to spot as our kind. Your emotional thinking wants to always be your first response in any situation concerning our kind because it wants to ensure that you keep feeding the addiction to us. This means that you have to keep engaging with us, thinking about us, seeing us, doing things for us. By remaining within our influence, the addiction remains fed and emotional thinking will do whatever it can to maintain that situation.
Emotional thinking is your enemy in this situation. It has no interest in the fact that your self-confidence has vanished, that you are utterly exhausted, that you are confused, that you are nursing a broken arm, that you are bleeding money, that your sense of self is evaporating, that you have lost your friends, that your job is suffering and a hundred other misfortunes. All it cares about is ensuring that you do not get out. By stopping this happening, the addiction is fed.
Accordingly, this sly and devious emotional thinking will occupy your thoughts as quickly as it can in order to keep cool, hard logic at bay. Unfortunately for you, it does this with considerable ease because :-
- You are unlikely to fully understand what is happening at the juncture when you recognise a need to get out;
- You have been repeatedly conditioned by our manipulation to adopt emotional thinking, so that it is always the immediate response when you are making decisions;
- Your ability to cope will have been reduced. Emotional thinking offers you the ‘easy’ option (but not the right option) and when you are ground down, this has considerable appeal.
So, what is the consequence? Your logical thinking tells you “This person is bad for me, I need to get out.” Before logical thinking can add anything else, your emotional thinking surges and drowns it out and instead fills your mind with what it wants you to think. Indeed, so significant is this emotional thinking that it becomes your only way of thinking and ‘takes over’ in terms of what you do. Emotional thinking is governing you and because it is, you are unable to see that it is. It removes your insight. That is why you often look back and think “What the hell was I thinking? That wasn’t me”. That is because you were placed on auto-pilot by your emotional thinking and you took a course of action without realising the impact of it, because your logical thinking could not get a look in.
How does this emotional thinking manifest? It is devious as I mentioned, because what it does is masquerade as something which is linked to your empathic traits so it convinces that what you are doing is actually ‘good’ and the ‘right thing’ to do. All part of its conning nature. Thus, when you have that brief moment of logic and decide that you need to get out, emotional thinking is alerted and realises there is a danger to getting its fix of the addiction to us. It surges and manifests in many different ways, such as :-
“But if I leave, how he will be able to manage. I will feel bad for him.” – this links to your traits of decency and feeling guilt.
Logic would say
“Why be concerned about how we will manage? He has never been concerned about how you have managed? You do not have to be responsible for this person. Get out.”
Yet logic is unheard.
Emotional thinking will say :-
“But what if he can change, he said he will get therapy and he has made an appointment. What if I go and miss out on him changing for the better?” – this links to your traits of hope and the desire to heal.
Logic would tell you
“He is a narcissist. He will not change. He cannot change. You have no need to stay. Get out.”
Yet logic is unheard.
Emotional thinking will say:-
“Now isn’t a good time it is his birthday/her mother just died/she has a big project at work/he isn’t well.” – this links into your traits of guilt and decency.
Logic would tell you
“Now is the right time. He spoiled your birthday/ she didn’t care when your father died/ he has never supported your work/ she never looked after you when you were unwell. You deserve better. Get out.”
Yet logic is unheard.
Here are further examples of the emotional thinking which stops you getting out. Are any familiar? What would logical thinking be telling you in response if it was heard?
“I don’t have anywhere to go to and I like living in this house.”
“But what if the children want to see him and that upsets them?”
“I am frightened of what he will do to me.”
“He said if I ever left him he would post those videos and pictures on the internet.”
“I don’t want to feel like I have failed and give up on us.”
“I know she is seeing someone else, what if I go and they end up happy together? Why should I give them a clear run at a relationship together?”
“But I still love her.”
“He needs my help, i cannot walk away from someone who is needing help.”
“She hasn’t got anybody else but me.”
“It will be too hard to do it. I just need to find a way of making him happy instead.”
“What will I do for money? He controls it all, I will be destitute.”
“I am scared to date again.”
“What will people think though if I go, it will make him look bad at work and to his friends.”
“It could be worse, I mean, she is wonderful sometimes and the sex is amazing. I can put up with it for the good times surely?”
“I am getting old and I don’t want to have to start all over again.”
“I would go, but I have to stay for the sake of the children.”
“I am not giving up, you have to fight sometimes to save a relationship and I am a fighter.”
“I just have to love him more. Love will save the day. It has to.”
Your emotional thinking will use fear, guilt, hope, dedication, valiance, selflessness, status, loyalty and more besides to make you stay and derail your attempt to get out.
A fundamental part of Getting Out is to recognise that it is your emotional thinking that is talking to you, that this is not the right way of thinking and that this emotional thinking is a con artist.
By disciplining your mind to recognise emotional thinking, you will then allow logic an opportunity to make itself heard. When logic makes itself heard, emotional thinking will fight back, but the more you engage in recognising this emotional thinking and allowing logic to make itself heard, the easier it will become until you will instinctively realise you are adopting emotional thinking and you will then apply logic. Keep maintaining this discipline and you will then find that logic will start to prevail and you are conquering the second enemy so that you now see no reason to remain and your stated desire to get out will be fulfilled.
How might you bring about the state of affairs? The major one is to build your understanding by reading. This develops your logic and provides you with material that your mind can go to instead of just finding emotional thoughts which will not help you. You need to have a repository of material which your mind can access which reminds you of what you are dealing with.
There are also numerous techniques to adjust your thought process, but I will explain one to you now. One method is to find a totem. Find an object, it might be a polished stone from the beach, it might be a lump of amethyst, a piece of jewellery belonging to someone special, an unusual coin, a stress ball – it can be anything so long as it fits into your hand. This then needs to be placed somewhere you will see it every day – on your nightstand, on the console table by the front door, next to the sink in the bathroom. Every day you must take the totem and wrap your hand around it, feel it in your hand and then ask yourself
“I must GOSO. What would logic tell me to do?”
Chances are the first response will be a piece of emotional thinking similar to those listed above. Halt the thought and assess it. Is this logic or emotional thinking? Recognise what it is. If, as expected, it is emotional thinking then destroy that thought by working out what the logic is – you will find the logical thinking will appear quicker than you would imagine because you have been building your understanding.
Do this every day around the same time. You will then find that when you have an emotional thought you will recognise to go to your totem, hold it and reject the emotional thought and work out the logic. You may need to go to your totem a dozen times a day, but steadily you are building your logic, reducing your reliance on emotional thinking and then you will find you are doing it without needing to go to your totem because you have reset your thinking. As this happens, you will then find the clarity and resolve to get out and not be stopped.
It is not easy. We instinctively know that your mind is fighting to prevent you from getting out and we rely on this in tandem with our own endeavours to keep you under our control. However, by building your understanding and resetting your thinking, you will get your emotional thinking under enough control to act on the need to get out.
GOSO 2 addresses how emotional thinking tries to derail your need to stay out once you have got out.
113 thoughts on “Get Out, Stay Out (Part One)”
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Windstorm- where do you live that it’s ok to torture animals? Seriously that’s how it begins. The monsters start with animals and move to people when it no longer satisfies them. It’s a sickness. I understand that most people have a dark side. I do. I wanted to be a Marine sniper. Hunting bad guys legally always sounded like the ultimate rush. Rewriting history one shot at a time. But I also know that moves me away from my true self and being a sanctuary for those who have been abused, are weak or feel unsafe. Still doesn’t mean I will tolerate the monsters.
IdaNoe
I live in a very rural, agricultural area where animals are considered by many as a crop that you harvest. Most people do not torture animals, but many also would not consider any treatment of animals as “torture”. They would think more along the lines of economically smart or economically stupid. If you think of a cat as the same as a tree, this makes sense. Very few consider anything done to a tree as torture.
Dearest NarcAngel,
Sorry … it should’ve been …” stepped in”
I had to get the council involved to get rid of them … they were breeding like rabbits …. 😂
I am a force to be reckoned with when the need arises my lovely … you would’ve been proud of me when I was confronted by my step dads evil adults kids over his funeral … mwahhhhhhahaahaha
Luv Bubbles xx
Bubbles
I couldn’t get rid of something that she had victimized and deemed unworthy just like she did me. I believe they have a right to life, just as I hope I do as well. So we saved as many as possible and they’re helping to save me in return. On the days I’m hopeless, I have a reason to get up and keep going.
Dearest IdaNoe,
I can understand totally
Unfortunately my mum lives 1 hours drive away from us …. I was not able to care for them
Animal shelters and vets didn’t want them
They were becoming a health hazard
Just so you know … you are not unworthy and not hopeless
Get that thinking out of your head beautiful one
You’re the winner here … she “lost” by not getting to know YOU
These people have NO love to give… nothing zilcho … it’s empty … it just is …. they “no comprendo”
Sounds like you have an awesome partner by your side … he’s a reason for getting up … yes
You’re a good person IdaNoe … write that down and keep telling yourself …. EVERYDAY
I think you’re pretty special
Luv Bubbles xx
Bubbles
Yes feral cats are difficult to tame. It takes much patience. I’ve tamed quite a few. Unfortunately those that I’ve tamed aren’t necessarily tame to others. In many ways they are like abused people, very wary and untrusting. Most shelter won’t bother with them and life in a shelter is too overwhelming to them. It’s a horrible problem caused by irresponsible people. Are there any Trap, Neuter, Release programs or low cost vets where you are? Here there’s a low cost vet. The feral package costs $30. That covers spay/neuter, ear tipping, rabies vaccine, an antibiotic shot and flea meds. That’s the only reason we could afford to do it.
Thank you. I’m still trying to figure my place in the world and how to live life. Hubby is the best man I’ve ever know! I’m still hoping you find your way out.
IsaNoe
Well I’ve learned my new thing for the day. Never heard of “ear-tipping.” Thought at first maybe it was a British thing, but apparently some large US cities do it, too. We don’t do that here. Feral dogs and cats are left alone here or shot if they are a nuisance, but even in the nearest city of size, caught cats are never released back into the wild. They are adopted or destroyed.
Sorry, I should have explained ear tipping. The tip of the left ear is removed at the time of spay or neuter as a visual signal indicating the cat is no longer breeding and is now a self fulfilling prophecy. I do not believe in destroying a healthy animal because its person is an irresponsible ass. Personally i dont believe in outdoor cats. Bad for the environment, bad for the cat. And its against the law to allow your animals to run at large. Problem is that it’s hard to legally enforce. So that’s where Trap, Neuter, Release comes in. If a cat shows up here without an ear tip, I trap it and fix it. If its someone’s pet cat, too bad. They shouldn’t let it run. Breeding feral pets are a huge problem. Their lives are miserable, they spread feline and canine diseases and destroy the environment. There are ways to deal with it if people would honor their responsibilities. And quite honestly, every stray or feral dog and cat I’ve ever dealt with was more honest and true than any of my family ever has been. So my loyalists are very clear.
IdaNoe
I’m with you in that my empathy is not limited to the human. I take it so far as to not eat meat.
Cultures do differ, though. In my culture animals are considered objects. People are raised and taught that there’s nothing wrong with abandoning or killing animals. Many believe there is nothing wrong with torturing animals since they are non-human. Many believe that animals don’t have feelings.
There are no leash laws, pets are almost all outdoors. There are strong property laws, though and if someone neutered another person’s animal, it could get really ugly, really quickly! Although most would not care as much about a cat, it would still be a very dangerous thing to do.
Let me take that a bit further.The abandoning of an animal when it becomes inconvenient is abuse. Abusing something helpless, be it an animal or child, is a character flaw I cannot tolerate. To me, you get as you give. I do not believe they deserve mercy and understanding. They just need to be removed from the gene pool. Abuse me, now as an adult… well maybe I should have been smarter ( and I am. Thank you HG) , but abuse something that’s just trying to survive and has no power to begin with. .. that’s evil. A God complex, predatory and narcissistic. You’d be surprised by the number of “good people ” who are narcissistic with their pets. To them, they are objects. Owned and there for their owners amusement. When they dont conform to the owners wishes, then they are thrown away. Work at a veterinary clinic or shelter. Euthanasia rates triple at the holidays. It’s all about appearances and convenience. It’s all the same kind of abuse. Being helpless or being made helpless all for the sake of amusement, sport, egos.
Very interesting about the views towards pets. The former boss I’ve recently written about from the law firm, he was very “Christian” with his values yet he viewed pets and animals as having no real “intrinsic value because they don’t have “souls like humans”.
Clarece
A lot of people here feel that way (that animals have no souls). I never understood that. I mean, how can they know? But I have been assured that just wondering that is blasphemous. Despite all my family’s efforts, i seem to have embraced blasphemy as a child. Lol!
Clarece,
Yeah, I’ve heard all that crap before. The animals I’ve known have shown me more “soul” than all the people I’ve known combined, except 1 (my husband). They are the reason I can love, my people sure didn’t teach it. They are the reason i can trust, my people never have been worthy. They taught me to fight and protect. People want to suck you dry, animals give back all they have, including forgiveness. I believe we are all animals on this ride of life together.
If you look at history, people chose to believe that about the Native Americans so they could exploit them. They chose to believe that about blacks so they could enslave them ( read about the Tuskegee Airmen), they chose to believe that about women. Anytime people find a use for something or just don’t like it, they seem to deem it unworthy or inferior so they can justify abusing it.The animals are no different. Many times in the name of God. It sickens me. Read about Hitler. History is full of that kind of abuse. Hell trophy hunting isn’t any different. Its harming and killing for ego. It’s just meanness. Something has to be made small so they can feel big. I guess because they have no power and feel small so inflicting pain, control, domination makes them believe they are superior. Its a narcissistic. And it’s a weakness not a strength. I want all in my presence to be better, stronger. If I have to lessen or abuse something to feel alive, I’d rather die.
Eagerly awaiting part 2. Emotional thinking abounds. Just found out this morning Matrinarc is to be put in hospice. Since I’m her only child, nursing home wants me to be her representative. I declined. I’m torn. Part of me is oddly relieved she’s mortal. The other part knows when she dies, it’s over. I’ll never get what I wanted, needed, my mother’s love and approval. I failed.
Idanoe
You didnt fail or lose out-she did. Understand that it isnt because you dont deserve it but rather because she is unable to give it. She could not love you the way you deserved to be loved but that is not your fault. Love yourself enough to see that.
Thank you NarcAngel. I always tried real hard for her. Gave all I had and then some. Now at the end, it won’t matter. I’ve always known what she wanted/expected from me, to die with her. (Before if she deemed it more useful) I am property. But I won’t give her that. She’s already taken more than she was due. I wish I’d run years ago but even my non-narc husband now believes she would have tried to kill me. I know I have to give up hope but that little girl inside still just wants mommies love. And that sucks! Thank you for your strength.
IdaNoe
No matter how long she lives, you’ll never get her love and approval. But that’s not because YOU failed. It’s because she did.
My matrinarc took 10 years to die of Alzheimer’s after she got where she couldn’t live alone. I’m the only child, too. I read one book on Alzheimer’s that said if you (the caregiver child) had never had a good relationship with the parent, that now you had a chance to mend the relationship.
I actually got my hopes up. Never. Never did she show me any love, affection or even consideration. It was a source of humor among my children that even at the end, when she didn’t recognize any of us and could no longer speak or understand, she would look at me with an ugly look and say gibberish sarcastically. My kids would laugh and say, “She may not know who you are anymore, Mom, but she knows she doesn’t like you!”
It’s not your fault, IdaNoe. It’s not because of anything you ever did or didn’t do. To quote one of my mother’s favorite sayings, “You can’t get blood from a turnip.” Neither can you get love from a narcissist. It’s just not in them.
Windstorm your mother sounds like my father. He had his first stroke when I was 17, died when I was 30. We had him home with hospital bed and hydronic lift for all but the last 2 yrs.( I became Matrinarc’s NON SEXUAL primary source. ) He wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t talk to me (usually), and definitely wouldn’t do as I asked. He fought, he punched, he even stuck a Derringer pistol in my ribs once. Even when he was frozen in the fetal position and could only move his eyes, he’d look away. So I know I’ll get nothing but hatred from her, but the one thing I can’t seem to stop wanting deep in my heart, is for my mother to love and want me. I dont know why. She’s not a nice person to me. I’ve always been an appendage and a tool. She did everything HG has described and much more. But somewhere I had always hoped ( before I knew about NPD) I could win her over. Now with death on her horizon, it seems so final. I guess hope dies last . I guess I hadn’t completely given up that hope . Thank you for the kind words.
IdaNoe
For myself, hope never dies. I just redirect it. Whenever I can’t have what I really want, I try to ensure someone else has it. Then I feel successful and happy seeing them with it. For instance, i never had my mothers love, so I made sure my children always knew that they had my love. Mama never held me, or kissed me or said she loved me – so I made sure to do all those things with my kids and grandkids.
You know how some families hug one another when they meet or part? I used to long for someone to hug me like that and so wished my parents would do that. But no one ever touched me except for punishment or dominance. One day when I was grown, I just decided I would start hugging people myself. I began always hugging my kids, my nieces and nephews, sometimes even my friends whenever we met. Now it’s automatic for all my younger kinfolk to smile and come up and hug me whenever they see me.
We can never have our mother’s love. They’ll never be proud of us. But that doesn’t mean we can’t feel that love and pride. We just have to be the ones to do it. We can’t change our past, but we can change our present to be what we want it to be.
Please don’t let your Hope die with your mother. Let it evolve instead. It’s like Maria said in the “Sound of Music,” “When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.”
Best wishes
IdaNoe
We have similarities with our fathers, too. My father had a complete physical and mental breakdown when I was about 14. He was a semi-invalid until he committed suicide when I was 29.
My father was always a talker until his health failed. Mama wanted financial control and got him committed to a mental hospital for a year. While there they burned his mind out with electroshock treatments and he came home an empty shell of the man he’d been before. He was way smarter than Mama, but fatally underestimated her.
Hi Windstorm, thank you for sharing your stories (here and other treads), which contain so much wisdom and calm determination. You have helped me a lot without knowing it – so I just wanted to let you know.
Thank you, Shesaw. Hearing that really brightens my morning!
Oh Windstorm, I’m so sorry about your Mom. You were an angel being her caregiver. I want to light a match to that book that gave you false hope.
Thank you, Clarece. I am no angel, though. If she’d had to live with me, it would have ended in murder/suicide. I could have never withstood it. I left home at 16 and it’s a miracle I survived her that long!
I made the decisions, handled the finances, dealt with the problems and checked in several times a week, but I was working full-time then teaching school. It was my daughter and son-in-law who were her actual caretakers. They lived with her, fed and bathed her, changed her diapers. They were the angels. I only had her for a month every summer, Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays from school and my Fall and Spring breaks (when school was closed), so they could have breaks and enjoy the holidays.
Just having her in my home those parts of the year about did me in. Combine an abusive narcissist and Alzheimer’s and boy do you have crazy-making! She’d do things like pick up a potted plant, look right at me and turn it upside down dumping dirt and water all in the carpet! Even when she could no longer walk and was confined to a chair, it was amazing what she could reach and destroy. She would get physically violent when her diaper had to be changed or when I bathed her. My daughter handled these things so much better than I could. I just had too much past baggage with Mama that triggered way too many painful memories and emotions.
Omg WS! The story about your mom holding the potted plant then flipping it on your floor…almost sounds like she had her lucid moments and knew exactly what she was doing to get under your skin knowing she’d get away with it because of her diagnosis. You probably wanted to make her a dirt sandwich then tell her she forgot what meat tasted like if she complained after that.
You still oversaw everything with your kids pitching in. That still makes you an angel.
I can only imagine the anxiety you’d start feeling as school would lead up to the approaching holiday breaks when you were caring for your mom.
I sure did dread my “Granny-sitting” times! And it ruined every Thanksgiving and Christmas for several years. But it ended!!! It’s over now! 🤗
You’re dirt sandwich reminded me of the time I was driving her down the interstate and she began picking up and eating the loose change in my cup holder! There I was going 70 mph in traffic wrestling with her, trying to get the coins out of her mouth before she swallowed them and her biting my fingers! She sure could always surprise me! 😝
Just poppin’ them in like Skittles huh? My God she was a handful for you! Were you and your ex-husband still together during this time? Was wondering if he would distance himself in typical Narc fashion when she would stay during the holidays?
Clarece
No. I’d already left him a few years previously. Then realizing I’d have to take over as her POA and manage her money had made actually divorcing him important. I didn’t want him to have any access to her money or legitimate reason to pressure me financially. So we were already divorced when she needed 24/7 care.
He was actually very helpful with her. Of course he never did any care-taking and couldn’t be trusted to watch her (not that he would have hurt her, he just wouldn’t be bothered to stop her from hurting herself or destroying things).
He totally understood her and could always manipulate her easily. And she respected and listened to him. We would try to reason with her. He would just counter whatever nonsense she was saying or doing with nonsense of his own that would divert her away from whatever she was trying to do. And he would bring in a cheery presence that would lift the moods of the rest of us and make us laugh.
Reading this back, I realize it may not make sense to others that he’d still be there involved with Mama when we were divorced. We had a very amicable and unusual separation and divorce. I told him I just couldn’t live with him anymore without it destroying me. Of course he reacted with fury to this at the time, but since I moved into our vacation home, I think he never considered our marriage ended – just altered. Even the actual divorce was just a technical change to him. We still saw each other often because of the kids and the ongoing problem with Mama. I just had physical and financial autonomy.
The passing of time, so many decades with you in your ex-husband’s life, I think he is as attached as a narc can be to you, as I sense he holds you in esteem and respect having gone thru so much.
Clarece
I agree – as much as a narc can be. And for me it’s better than no relationship. Sort of like living entirely off milk and potatoes. 😄
We need to get you a steak to go with that milk and potato diet!
I’m a vegetarian. Nice selection of veggies would be good!
Windstorm
I am so sorry but was laughing at the potted plant. My Grandmother, I honestly believed she was to mean for death to take her had Alzheimer’s she pulled the car out in to the road put it into park got out and just walked away leaving the door open. My mother was asleep and was woke from the police knocking on the front door, my Grandmother sitting in her normal spot and told her she didn’t do it.
Twilight
Thank God my mother was not too mean for God to take her!! 😄
My mother would call the police that her car was stolen when my daughter would take it to the store for groceries. The police got onto me for letting her have access to the phone!
Dearest Windstorm,
I am absolutely devastated by your stories and what you had to endure…. breaks my heart
You are the loveliest of lovelies
You are a wonderful mentor here. You’re so grounded and with so much wisdom and advice. I always look forward to and love reading your comments. By “paying it forward” you don’t realise how much you help in our healing
My big heartfelt hugs and thank you, lovely lady
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles
You are so sweet and always so positive! You are always a breath of fresh air!
Dear Windstorm,
Awe … thank you lovely .. you are too kind
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dearest IdaNoe,
You’re last sentence hit a raw nerve with me … it’s affected me all my life. 😢
You didn’t fail my lovely
Luv Bubbles xx
Thank you Bubbles. Its always been a raw nerve for me for both parents. A carrot they could dangle in front of me to keep me trying. The dumb thing is that everything they wanted was already there. The love, devotion, all of it was there, but they still had to twist the knife.
Dearest IdaNoe,
I do everything for my aged mum now, the shopping cleaning paying her bills, the garden….everything (she lives with her two cats)
I’m just a servant and companion when she wants ….she’s using me and I know it … but I’m all she has … I won’t abandon her because I’m not that kind of person even though she had nothing to do with me for 21 years until my step dad died. She never wanted kids… she used to tell my brother and myself on a regular basis growing up… “I never wanted you”
Mr Bubbles has seen me beat myself up all my life over my mum’s lack of love acceptance and approval .. even now, I’ll never get it. She waffles on about me being her “favourite” daughter all the time (I’m her “only” daughter)
Please don’t waste your life like I did hitting my head against a brick wall for answers… because in the end it affected my health and I don’t want to see others go thru the same agony.
I now know what she is … my head has stopped hurting
The thing is my lovely one … I know you … you are a beautiful wonderful person inside and out. You possess all the qualities she didn’t. You have a kind heart
It’s time you give yourself approval acceptance and love. You are a loving daughter… you did your very best my sweet and no one could have asked for more
We didn’t fail my precious … they were bad parents
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
Luv Bubbles xx
Windstorm and Twilight- thank you for your support and making me laugh . Mine has invented all sorts of catastrophes to run me ragged and get the flying monkeys worked up. They’d accuse me of sorts of immoral crap, protecting her while they were robbing her blind. Classic triangulation, but then I didn’t know what she was, so I fell for it ever time.
Bubbles, you are very sweet. Your advise is golden. Unfortunately, information about NPD was not available when I was still young. Most of my life has already been wasted. My enough moment came about 3 1/2 yrs ago when she was hospitalized and I realized she had not been spaying/neutering her feral cat colony like she said, but allowing them to breed! Me, my husband and a neighbor trapped over 100 cats and had them fixed. After seeing the devastation of the sick and injured I couldn’t control my disgust and anger. That was the beginning of the end. She’s been in the nursing home for 2 yrs now. Hubby and I still are caring for the ferals. I hope you find a way out! She’s not worth it. Mine wasn’t, the cats are but she’s not! I need to remember that more. She caused a lot of suffering for those cats ( and us) because she’s just a selfish ass!
Dear IdaNoe,
Thank you for you comment lovely (only just saw your reply)
I couldn’t believe reading about your mum’s feral cat problem!
Mine too … she had 30 feral cats and if I handn’t stepped there would’ve been more … strays are relentless furballs
It was a very very stressful time for myself and Mr Bubbles. I told her not to feed them but she wouldn’t listen and she kept sabotaging everything I was doing
Now she has only two domesticated cats … that’s it
Best wishes with the strays sweetheart
Luv Bubbles xx
Bubbles
“ If I hadnt stepped there would’ve been more …”
Oh dear. Is that how you got rid of them? I didnt think you had it in you.
Hi Windstorm, sorry for butting into your conversation with MB. I just wanted to briefly share what a relationship with a non-narc looks and feels like as I am married to a normal. It feels safe, peaceful, secure. You are seen and heard. You are accepted as you are. You can share anything. You can raise issues without fear. It is a partnership not a dictatorship. You can depend on them. You do not feel anxious or on edge. You have confidence they have your back and best interests at heart. You know they will be there for you no matter what. You have no doubt they genuinely care about you because they consistently show it through their actions. The best part is you can be yourself and you are enough, worthy, and lovable, warts and all. It is not perfect by any means, conflicts and disagreements do come up but they are resolved where both are pleased with the resolution. There is reciprocity and trust. In short, it is the complete opposite of a relationship with a narc.Hope this helps.
Insatiable Learner
Your description sounds like a fairytale to me. It sounds like what we think we’ve found with the narc, but turns out to be illusion. It’s nice to think that some people out there actually are in relationships like that.
IL, all true. The difference in my relationship is that I’m not entirely comfortable bringing up just anything. I know what the hot buttons are so I let sleeping dogs lie to keep the peace, which occasionally breeds resentment from unexpressed emotions. It’s all part of the give and take of a normal relationship. There’s compromise and that’s what makes it work long term. It’s comfortable. We’ve got it sorted out after all these years.
Sometimes I feel like I want to break out of the mold and am not totally free to be myself. I’ve never been with anyone else and I wonder what I’ve missed. Although this feeling does diminish as I get older. I’m learning to be more content and practice gratitude.
IL
That is so beautiful to read!
You expressed yourself so well.
Thank you for sharing your insights with us.
I’m so pleased that you have this in your life. You’re a treasure.
Thanks so much, Caroline! I appreciate your kind words. I am ashamed to say I have not really valued and appreciated what I have the way I should have.
Same IL. Ditto
IL
Did you meet your normal husband before, during, or after your narc entanglement? If youd rather not say I understand.
Hello NA, I met him before the narc entanglement. Yes, I was married when I met the narc and so was he. I feel so ashamed. I feel like an ungrateful and unappreciative bitch having the relationship I described and yet betraying it. The pull I felt for the narc was so irresistible. I would have given it all up for him. I worshipped this man. Scary thought. I have since realized why I fell for him. I suspect my mom is a narcissist, so was my grandmother. My dad was an alcoholic. I am not blaming anyone. It was my choice. We all have free will after all. The worst thing is I am still struggling to get the narc out of my head.
IL, our stories sound so similar.
Sorry IL
The question was not to make you feel shame. I understand completely how it happens and would not (indeed could not) pass judgement on that. I just wondered if you had always felt this way about your relationship with your husband, or had come to see it and value it as such after your involvement with the narc. Thank you for your reply.
HG, I have just learned about you over the past month, spending days and hours listening to your every word, reading your words. Oh…that voice..lol..I thank you, you have given me seeds of logic and reason to accept the facts and feel closure.
I am free.
To my utter disgust I still crave him, like fucking heroin, this narcissist, even with the hurt and degradation I endured. I am confounded by this obsession.
I thank you for your precious gift wrapped with crystal clear answers as to why and how I have been conditioned into sabotaging my happiness, with more than one narc to speak of…all my life, it began with my father! EVERYTHING you describe is truth. Its bizarre, as if you are psychic or you were right there taking notes or a fly on the wall, just unbelievable.
I want to add something to this thread … I admittedly did not “block” him from my phone. And yes, as HG states, he hoovered, he did after days, then weeks, months and again after 2 years, I did not respond I just witnessed the texts like a crime scene, or a B horror flick..It went from angry diatribes, to jokes, to lil ditties to see if I respond…I still get butterflies..or is it fear? Wow huh?
I Know I am free today because there is absolutely no reason, NOTHING that would cause me, or make me want to see that face again…NO. Never. Ever. I am so done. Free is possible. GOSO!
Thank you HG
You are most welcome and also welcome on board.
JCC, congratulations on being free! That is fantastic! One thing that concerns me from your post is that you still crave him after years of no contact. I see that this concerns you too. I really do not want to feel this way after years. Is there anything you think you should have done differently to speed up the healing process? I would love to do whatever it takes to get over this addiction fast. I am about 10 months NC. Feeling better but not over the addiction yet. I am quite sick of feeling this way. I want it over with! Any advice from you or anyone would be appreciated. Thanks so much!
As Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements, “In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly.”
‘The question is, how low will you go? At what point will you choose to stop using the narcissist as a scapegoat to self-abandon? Because that’s what every single ‘victim’ in a narcissistic relationship is doing. There is no intimacy. Intimacy is trust, gentleness, care. There are none of these things in a pathologically narcissistic relationship. There are none of these things for the self – and when you find these things for your self, you won’t have any interest in a narcissist.’
IL, I saw a post not too long ago which resonated with me. The gist is that you don’t actually crave HIM. You crave the person you were when you were with him. When he’s no longer in your life, it’s as if that person you were, those feelings that you had are dead. From what HG says, those feelings are actually the effect of the narcissist turning a mirror toward you and showing you what you want to see. What we need to focus on is exactly what that is and how to manifest it from within. That’s the $1,000,000 question. HG, can you bottle and sell that?
MB
But we dont have to buy it. We are the ones who manufactured it to begin with. The narc just held the mirror. That wonderful feeling is inside us, we just have to bring it back to the surface!
But Windstorm, how? I’m not that girl without his influence. I don’t know how to be her. It’s like he gives me permission and freedom. In the rest of my life all I have is constraint. I’m a bird in a cage. I want to fly. Yeah, that’s addictive.
MB
“Fake it till you make it.” That’s my motto. Act the way you want people to think about you. Be happy or sexy or confident, whatever. I always practice at home alone with my dogs and when I sit outside meditating.
I focus on how I want to be whenever I’m driving (I live an hour from everywhere) and then get out of the car at my destination confident that I am who I want to be.
Imagine who you want MB to be, and just be that person. Practice makes perfect!
Thank you WS! Fake it till you make it is one of my favorite sayings. I use it in the context of work and learning new skills in that arena. The interaction with him has given me more confidence to be sure. But you can probably understand better than anyone that if I break out of my cage after being with the same man for 32 years, it would not go over well. I play the part on the outside and I fantasize on the inside, which my best friend assures me is way better than reality anyway!
Cages can be very safe places. Mine became unlivable, though. I became miserable staying in mine and had to get out. I’d been with my husband over 30 years when I escaped and it didn’t go over well, either. Now though, he’s always telling people that we get along better now than we did when we were married (every time I hear that I think, “Yeah, that’s because I don’t have to live with you anymore!).
But your husband’s not a narc. I’ve never been in a relationship with a non-narc, so I don’t know anything about how they work.
My cage is a very safe place Windstorm. Quite comfortable in fact, and completely self-imposed.
My husband is a normal. My empathy baffles him at times, but he lets me be me. Similar to a narc, I feel like I belong to him. But not in a controlling way. It’s more like I belong to him the way his right arm does. We are in the cage together. He just doesn’t long to fly like I do. He accepts things as they are and is perfectly content. I’ve spent my entire life looking for “more” when I already have all that I need. I’m a dreamer. This is my theme song.
https://youtu.be/YyRfmOroFR0
Stupid girl.
What else could you want
How could you ask for something more
With all the gifts you were given
Ain’t it enough to just be living
~Jennifer Nettles
Lovely…I feel the antithesis of who I was before I met my narc.. he chipped away at me until I turned into a wet cat… and now I am working myself back to who I used to be..and yes with meditation and HG’s facts my return is coming along in strides
Yes, I should’ve blocked him on my phone…However, I don’t have an answer as to how to “speed” the process…I know for me it took changing my own patterns and getting off my own emotional roller coaster. Just as HG advises, LOGIC is the answer.
Very well-said, E&L. Appreciate you sharing this. A lot to think about. Wishing you peace and healing.
Hi MB, thank you very much for your insight! You wrote, “You crave the person you were when you were with him. When he’s no longer in your life, it’s as if that person you were, those feelings that you had are dead.” Actually, for me, it is the opposite. I did not like the person I was when I was involved with him. I did not like the feelings I had. I started feeling needy, desperate, insecure, subservient, anxious, tense, with low self-esteem, you get the pic. I do not crave any of these. So really, I know to be with him would mean to lose myself completely. Conversely, by losing him, I have found myself again. Well, I am getting there, not quite there yet but I am definitely moving in the right direction. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts! I appreciate it!
Oooh, I like that IL. It’s the other side of the same coin. On one side I crave that free, fun-loving, sexy girl. On the other side, I despise that weak, anxious girl that’s desperate for her turn in the sun.
It’s because of articles like this that you will eventually (?) be world renowned.
This piece should be distributed throughout the psych ‘fraternity’ so to speak.
Newcomers should be made to write this 100 times hehe
Fucking awesome HG
Thank you.
P.s. Congrats on hitting the 11 million mark!
Thank you.
Thank you. The logical thinking you described is what I call anger. When I get pissed/angry everything becomes clear. Thank you again.
So true! And, when we are given truthful, authentic information regarding narcissism, we are able to behave accordingly! I third that Thank you HG!
You are welcome.
HG it feels so amazing to finally understand!!! I’ve known so many of your kind and so many behaviours that have left me puzzled for YEARS now finally make “sense” lol. Thank you!!
You are welcome.
Hello HG,
Its been almost 2 years since I went GOSO and what amazes me is that my ex narc didn’t find a mew primary source.
He has many secondary sources he meet online. He seduces a girl, it lasts a month or two, then she blocks him. He moves on to the next girl and the same thing happens – blocking, hoovering, next.
Is it normal for a mid ranger to stay without an IPPS for that long? He doesnt have problems with charming women but it seems he targets some “emo kids” 20 years younger than him, they are not a material for a trophy girlfriend. He is over 40, high status, intelligent and it looks like all these girls are much under his capabilities.
There may be a primary source you do not know about who is of an intimate nature. He may be using an non intimate primary source alongside the IPSSs.
Thank you HG.
Excellent advice.
However. Although I
Am definitely GOSO, I have been in contact with Ex via email. I could not be bothered to maintain NC as it seemed to accord him far more importance than he has.
Practically it is easier too as this city is not large.
I’m enjoying being completely beyond his control, both practically and emotionally.
I’m enjoying sending him holiday snaps where I look pretty damn good though I say so myself; tanned, happy and travelling.
I’m enjoying my work which has actually improved a great deal recently.
( and, yes, I’m enjoying knowing how conflicted he will be feeling. The NS isn’t a patch and he knows it. Not nice of me but true….)
The smears didn’t work. The hoovering didn’t work.
It may have been painful pulling the hooks out but scar tissue is stronger.
So, will he try and install me as a ‘dear old friend ‘? I very much doubt it.
So why am I smirking at the thought?
Oh dear, HG, I seem to have caught some fleas…..
How to stay out if you are a co-worker with the Narc to whom you already escaped? :/
Did I maybe miss some post about this kind of situation?
Thanks in advance…
I can address this through consultation.
Yep, I’m still waiting your answer on this 🙂 check your mailbox 😉
This is a great one HG. I’d never heard the term twin flame but figured it’s like “soulmate”. Both are bs. Infatuation is what it is in most cases. Yes there can be great HEALTHY relationships- but a relationship with a narcissist is not ever healthy. When the honeymoon is over with a narcissist there’s no normal downshift- it shifts to awful. A person who is not deceiving themselves and who notices they are being snookered- must face the facts. I realized this first with a friendship I had with a neighbor. We became very fast friends but then a few months into it it turned to crazy town and it was really hard for me to back out of it when I realized just how insane this woman was… I eventually almost had to get a restraining order against her… but at first I was like wow we are like so in tune with each other and have such a fun time together! Another thing is I was kind of vulnerable and that I didn’t know a lot of people around the area and I was probably drinking a little too much alcohol when I was spending time with her so my judgment was off.
It took me a long time to realize that everyone is not working with the same deck of cards and that I needed to be a little more cautious. Now the narcissist was another angle that I had never experienced in a romantic relationship so now I feel like I get it…Looking forward to the part2 HG. And I think it would be great if you publish and widely disseminate an essay regarding soulmates or that twin flame concept-and how dating people need to beware of letting it overrule their logic-
Yes, the twin flame nonsense certainly needs dousing with a vat of logic.
I implemented GOSO on a handfull last week , but two off them came to my house to claim their spott . MatriNarc was yelling on a guilt trip . My ex came to start the formal relationship again apologetic . This won’t be easy . But I’am trying to remain consistent to determine my own moods and choices . I hope at the end this GOSO will succeed
Dearest DoForLuv,
Your DoForMe journey has begun …you will succeed …. no more guilt trips but pleasure trips for you my luv
GOSO will be your reward … YOU ARE NUMBER ONE YOU ARE SPECIAL ….the word NO is now your newest best friend
(You will need to pack a lot of “active” wear and “support” bras) 😊
Hugs precious
Luv Bubbles xx
I’m struggling to stay out even with everything I know.
You can do it Em… you know you can… remember all you know, everything even your heart can tell you was wrong.
Remember
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts”..
Winston Churchill.
Thank you quasi x
Dear Em,
Can we help in any way
💜
Luv Bubbles xx
Bubbles!
Thank you. It’s killing me. I have to see him at my new place of work once a week.
I want to snog his face off but I also know how evil he is. I have to be bland and non committal. He’s trying to lure me back. Praised me to my boss and recommended me for promotion. Twat. I miss the person I thought I knew. Now I can only see jabba the hut in front of me. He’s in trouble for stalking someone else. She’s used a conversation I had with her to try to demonstrate a repeating pattern. It’s killing my mind. So difficult to stay out of it.
What do I do?
Dearest Em,
I’m so so sorry you are going thru this, especially in the workplace
I distance myself from anything that may be detrimental to my health and well being and fly under the radar at all costs
Mr Tudor is the expert on evil … perhaps a consult will get you over the hurdle you are facing
We are all here for you lovely
Hugs to you precious one
Luv Bubbles xx
Emotional thinking has lead me to return more often than not. I now recognize what he is. I do not want to have the devil control and abuse me anymore so I am now No Contact (which is a huge struggle in itself). I love the idea of the totem pole. Thank you HG.
You are welcome.
This totem idea is great, I’m using it!!
I must say, out of every piece of literature I have read that you have written, this is the most helpful to me.
In my journey I am at the point where most of the time I can hear and listen to my logical thinking, yet there is still my emotional toxic side always ripping my brain to seep in, with your words in this piece, It helps me pull strength from within, ( I have to admit if I feel myself failing into the depths of despair at times I think of your writings and it helps me put everything into perspective) finally to conquer this horrific addiction… I will use your tool to assist me, thank you once again for your knowledge… it still blows my mind that you help “our kind” yet you can still be “your kind”…. interesting…
I’d like to add an “LO” to GOSO-GOSOLO because once you get out and stay out, you have to look out. I thought the narc ex was finished with me after the horrendous and shocking discard, but turns out it was a disengagement, just like you said HG. Unfortunately, I now realize that I have to be on the lookout pretty much forever.
Mandy, I luv it GOSOLO! Makes me laugh–so true. I live in a small town. My guard is up. Thats what your comment “said” to me. Not only do I have to LO for my exN’s hoovers, but two days ago, my survival instinct (LO) kicked in.
I know this guy is attracted to me and I’m attracted to him. My LO was heightened. To make a long story short, he looked into my eyes and said, “You’re a Fairy.” I smiled but wanted to say, “And in my opinion, you’re a Narc!!!” I saw him again yesterday and I ignored him. He turned and looked away. No empath I know does that! I could be wrong, my friends think I’m crazy, “He’s a good guy.” “He’s not a narc, you think everyone is.”
I am hypervigilent but it’s only been 4 months NC with exN which ended badly. Something about this new guy feels TOO familiar. But once you’ve been ensnared by a Greater, can’t go back to Mid. Not as exciting and challenging.
I am learning HG .
It is one year almost since the brutal end of the formal relationship .A vanishing act .No reply to my pleading emails.
I broke NC a few months after ,around Christmas , I wanted answers , got none .
Then the hoovers began . Friendly emails , I eagerly responded to them all thinking with my muddled emotional hurt self that it meant the formal relationship would happen again ,all the pain would go and it would go back to how it was. First off a guy who emails but can’t pick up a phone should be cut off.
I poured over get your ex back program’s Cringe ! .I read orher blogs they were good but didnt answer my questions .I replayed every scenario of why and knew that there was no justifiable reason to treat me with such disrespect .None.I was always respectful and mindful of his situation.
Yes I was a DLS but a long term one , very long term and thought I knew him and his oddities.
I was sorely mistaken.I still find it mind boggling that someone can change so rapidly.
Yes being a DLS is nothing to be proud of , I hold full accountability for my part there.
However it was he who filled me with the old chestnuts of my wife doesn’t appreciate me.I work hard ( he was wealthy) and all I want is someone who appreciated me .I fell for it .
I shared more of my vulnerabilities with this man than anyone only to be thrown on the dirt like trash, like a cheap whore.
Now I realise it was a load of rubbish.
The hoovers are NOT because he misses me .
They don’t mean he is thinking of me .
The formal relationship is NEVER coming back.
Responding to the Hoovers ALWAYS results in a follow up silent treatment .Such a clever way to make me feel devalued and not worth a respectful reply time .
What kind of person ignores a reply for weeks , then pops up again.Now I know !
What am I getting out of it ? nothing only feeling like last months dirty dishcloth an afterthought.
There is nothing wrong with me , entertaining his rubbish is what is making me feel Useless ,undesired ,unattractive and forgotten.
I have been fighting for a ghost , mangling my self worth in the process ,whilst he sits back and smirks “,Ahh that one is still on my hook ,how charming and attractive I must be ”
I realise only since coming to this blog why I am stuck.
Of course I am , my self worth is getting sliced up , this makes me feel unworthy and this feeds the cycle.
How would a woman with high self esteem , who believes she is attractive and worth pursuing react.
She would cut him lose because there is nothing nothing positive in it for her.
I am now taking my first baby steps and putting him in the trash from the past where he belongs.
Thank you HG. You have worked a miracle for me.
You are welcome.
Good luck Kiki, can’t and won’t give you any good advice, because I struggle myself, and everything you need to know was in this blog.
I’m with you. Take care xx
Kiki, way to go! You sound determined and resolute! You should feel proud! I am proud for you! Reading what you wrote made feel empowered too and confirmed why I should stick with GOSO! As HG puts it, you are seizing the power!
Dear Kiki,
you expressed yourself so well.
You’ve drawn that line in the sand with such vehemence that the line is smoking and the stick caught fire!
We are all cheering for you.
So many times with Ns I’ve written in my journal “what am I here for again? This doesn’t meet bare minimum requirements for a friendship”.
Just reminded of a great line I read on another post:
” The silent treatment is the trash putting itself out”.
THank you Caroline for your kind words , Im trying having good days and then it comes back and I weaken and get urges to call him every name under the sun ,but I won’t do it .
Pardon me while I cry.
The first time I read this I could hardly breathe.
I am G.O.S.O
One day I will forgive. Right now, I just want to heal. I need to forgive myself first. The rest will come in time.
🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
HG
for a man who purports not to care, you are doing an excellent job at encouraging us.
I noticed that about you, & wanted to let you know.
“Follow your heart but take your brain with you”
Alfred Adler
Excellent and timely article HG. Thank you.
You are welcome.