Crazed
“We need to talk. Well actually, I need to talk and you need to listen. Here, sit down, there, okay, this isn’t easy and I know you are not going to accept what I am going to say but you must understand that I am doing this for you, for us. I am concerned about well actually it is not just me but I am the one who has noticed more than anybody else, but I guess that is because I am the one who care the most and also since I am with you more than anybody else. I am not the only one, indeed it is because more people have expressed their concerns to me that I have felt moved to do something. It is a difficult subject to broach with you because I know you won’t accept what I have to tell you. I have been doing some reading actually in order to help me to help you because after all it is your best interests which I have at heart. This really troubles me to have to raise this with you and I have nearly done it a few times but I have told myself that I had to give you time and that you might work things out yourself. You have no idea how hard it is to stand to one side and watch the person that you love behaving in this way. I can see you are confused and I should come to the point, it is just difficult to have to do this. Okay, I have become increasingly concerned at your behaviours, as I say, chiefly I have, but so have your family and friends and even a few people at work. It is okay, don’t worry and no, please, don’t interrupt me, you need to hear me out. Nobody is judging you. We all want to help you. We want to give you all the support you need. Sorry, I’m rambling aren’t I? I suppose even now I am hoping that the light will shine and you will tell me that you understand and you know that you need help. There, I have said it. I think you need some help.”
“I can see you don’t understand what I mean and your silence then when I said that speaks volumes. Okay, I am going to have to spell it out. It is your behaviour towards me and other people. It is not acceptable. You know me, I said I would always stand by you and I will but I cannot stand by and do nothing when I see you destroying yourself and your relationship with me, your friends and your family. I can tell you are struggling. We all can. I am not sure what is behind it, I am after all, not a doctor, but I have been doing some reading and spoken to other people and I guess you must be losing your mind or having some kind of breakdown. I know by that shake of the head this isn’t sinking in so I am sorry but I am going to have to just give you the brutal truth. I had hoped this would not be necessary and that you would work with me on this, you know, a partnership to save what we have, but the books did say that you would probably not be able to recognise what is happening to you. That apparently is one of the first thing that goes when your mental health is affected, you cannot see the problem yourself and that is why you keep doing as you do.”
” It is not your fault, well it is because you are the one who is doing it, but it isn’t because I am sure you don’t mean for these things to happen. I know you are a good person, I have seen that and what has been happening recently must be a consequence of some kind of stress of something. I do know the drinking doesn’t help though. Look, it is no good narrowing your eyes and shaking your head when I mention that. I checked the recycling bin and I counted at least 20 bottles of wine for this fortnight and there were three vodka bottles in there. No, don’t point at me, I barely drink, maybe the odd glass of wine with dinner but you have been caning it. What’s that? I put the bottles there? Don’t be silly, why would I do that? Why would I waste good wine by emptying bottles and putting them in the recycling? That doesn’t make any sense does it? No, you have been drinking them. I can see you are struggling to remember and that is part of the problem. Whatever it is that is wrong with you it affects your memory. I have seen it. How many times have you asked me where your car keys are or where the remote control for the television is? Hmm. Numerous times and they are always in the same place. Always. We keep this house tidy don’t we and yet you are asking me where something is when it is always in the same place. I can imagine that must be a bit frightening, but don’t worry I am going to look after you. We all will. ”
“You see I have already met with your two best friends and our family and we agreed that you should spend some time in hospital. Money isn’t an issue as we want the best possible care for you and I suspect that the good doctors will know what to do with you and if you have to stay there for a while, well don’t worry, I will keep this ship sailing. I have plenty of people who will rally around and give me a hand so I don’t want you to worry. It is for the best. You see, you have been losing your temper so readily and turning into someone I do not know. This rage. I don’t know where it comes from but all of sudden you just explode and then you start trying to blame me for things that you have done. It isn’t very nice and I try to brush it off but after a while there is only so much a person can deal with. Do you remember last week when you accused me of switching off the oven when you were making some food but then you realised that you had never switched it on? Yes, I can see in your eyes that you remember now. You accused me repeatedly of doing it and even though I explained how it could not have been me because I was busy on a call in the study, you insisted that I had done it. On and on you went, jabbing your finger at me and all because you are losing your mind. I try not blame you for the horrible things you say, I do think you become someone else and you do not realise what you are doing because you never say sorry afterwards and that hurts. Your friends say you are distant with them, they feel like they do not know you anymore and they are more worried about you, well and hurt as well, but once I began explaining to them your catalogue of domestic misdemeanours well they were very understanding and sympathetic. They agreed something needed to be done and they have supported me making enquiries about where we can get you treated. It is fine honestly, don’t worry about so many people knowing about what has happened, there isn’t the same stigma these days with such problems. Everybody has been most supportive of me. They understand how difficult it has been for me in dealing with you these past few months and they have said that if I need anything I am only to ask. It is so good to know that you have that support network is in place. Your family are worried, about us both actually, but they know that I am only doing the best that I can for you and that sometimes one has to show some tough love. I don’t know how long it will be for but they will assess you first of all which will probably take a couple of weeks and we shall see where you go from there. No, no I don’t think you are crazy, goodness me, not at all, it is just something temporary I am sure, but it has gone too far after well, I suppose the less said about that incident last Friday the better. What incident? Really? You know when you broke all the window panes in the green house. No, that wasn’t me, it was you. Hey look, I am trying to help, there is no need to become aggressive, do you see, that is exactly what I am talking about, I am trying to help you and you start reacting. Look I will ring Lee up shall I? He saw you and helped me sort you out. Do I have to ring him, you know he will back up what I am saying don’t you, after all it is the truth. Just calm down, Jesus, this is why I haven’t raised this with you sooner because of how you would react but to be frank, I have had enough and it is precisely this aggression and nastiness and your complete failure to ever admit that you are wrong which has been driving me to despair. Just calm down will you. It wasn’t me. It was you. Stop shifting the blame on to me, that isn’t fair. If you keep going on I am going to call people and do you really want to put on another performance for them? What do I mean another one? You just don’t get it do you? Maybe you are worse than even I realised. Good God, do you really not remember what you did at the party? It was so embarrassing. I would rather not think about it. I did not know where to put myself and neither did the person you were all over. I tried to smooth over it, blame it on medication and such like but the looks I got told me all I needed to know. What do you mean it was the other way around? Please will you stop doing this. You have to accept responsibility for your actions this has gone on for too long. Far too long. Ah, there is the doorbell, that will be the people from the hospital. I have packed a bag for you. Don’t look so alarmed they are here to help you and to give me a break from all this crazy. It is going to be alright, I promise, just promise me one thing that you will try to get better for both our sake’s yes? I don’t want to be driven crazy too.”
30 thoughts on “Crazed”
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He was always trying to get me into hospitals. SOB!
Funny, just now I’m asking, and finally feeling like whatever did I see in him???
I think I was desperate. That never helps. I’m working to learn how to love myself better, and do the things happily to myself that brought me joy and happiness I felt when I was with him.
That’s what I must do.
Yep. Been there heard that. Fortunately, the country I’m in now doesn’t have a real mental health system. Except it’s also unfortunately because every so often he would have a moment of clarity and want to get help (before crushing the idea back down again) and none is available.
It’s like you people are put together backwards and inside out. You mistake what you have as control when really you are completely out of control of yourself.
Anytime, when I read women are diagnosed with borderline (or depression), I wonder if they live with a narcissist. If I think back to how I felt while being involved with the narcs, I can hardly recall the mindfuck, the confusion, the despair. Despite the pain I feel because they’ve moved on to the next, I feel almost Zen these days. My brain is finally clear again. People honestly believe that you are the one who is causing problems. My sister said this to me once and I asked her: “tell me, do I have problems with you?” She said: “no”. “Did I ever have problems with my friends (that I have for over 30 years)? Or with collegues?” She said: “no, I don’t think so”. “Well, who do I have problems with then?” She: “with mum… with X… (my ex-husband). And I said: “Right, because théy are the ones causing the problems and make it seem that I’m responsible for them”. And we discussed a few occasions and she finally understood what really had happened. Living with a narc is continuously defending yourself, taking away your self-esteem and your sanity.
Just now I was reading about the case of Shannon Watts, in the US, pregnant with a son and having two daughters, all killed by her husband. Just look at him on the picture, on the video. Such a nice, good looking, friendly guy. People are so fooled by appearances. If only they’d all have a skull tattooed on their foreheads, so you’d be warned.
And writing this down, I realize I have to stay away from them. Last narc is hoovering me right as we speak and I almost responded (wanted to write a bitchy comment).
But this time, somehow I know for sure I will not ever speak to him again and I will not even look at him anymore. It’s time I move on and I need to realize that the ‘love’ I feel for him is nothing but a fantasy that’s build in my brain, based on nothing but my romantic thoughts.
I often wonder that too. It’s possible I am borderline and I certainly have a mixed anxiety/depressive disorder. Roots of that reach back into childhood. My ex-H is also currently trying to paint me as mentally unstable and he’s ‘protecting the kids’. He has mentioned this in a way which is all rather vague.
In March I attempted suicide which has obviously played into his hands. What he has conveniently not explained is the manipulation involving the children which pushed me over the edge.Even before the suicide I felt there was something about this that wasn’t quite right. I could feel I was being manipulated. I took a timeline of events (thank god) and then it finally tumbled; a greater. That came as a shock as I just didn’t want to believe it. Cognitive dissonance in action.
Now I know why I was so unhappy in that relationship but just couldn’t put my finger on it. It was a constant low level of behaviours which over the years eroded my self-confidence and further binding me too him.
I am sorry to hear you were in this situation, Renarde. Don’t have yourself diagnosed with mental illness when living/having lived with a narc. Their manipulation can be so subtle that you just never noticed (untill you’re out). I too was so depressed for years, always thinking about committing suicide. I actually stood on the railway once, but the thought of leaving my two boys behind with an alcohol- and drugs abuser (or with my Narc mother), prevented me from jumping. My ex husbands’ ex girlfriend did commit suicide. He told me how crazy she was because of drug abuse. Now I know better. She must have felt so lonely, my heart still cries for her.
Narcs really can make you become insane, very very anxious and doubting yourself all of the time. I have been looking all over the internet what could be wrong with me. The therapist I had last year told me there was nothing wrong with me, I just had to heal from the abuse (and the physical illness I had because of the abuse) and work on my self esteem.
Renarde, give it time, stay away from him as much as you can and believe in yourself. Work on your childhood issues also and just try to be the best mum you can be for your children. I give you a big hug and I hope all will work out fine for you soon. Take care! xx
Blank – you are a star and hugs gratefully received. Thank you x
I am also extremely sorry that you were placed in the position of jumping in the first place.
I was very fortunate that what I did left no permanent damage. However, the aftermath of that and the repercussions for me have been horrendous. That being said, maybe everything had to fall apart in order for it to be put back together. But this time correctly.
I’m going off grid. I have to. I’m fighting a war on three fronts (ex, parents and another ex – a GEN) and I recognise that I need time to heal.
Ren
x
Oh my ,I hope sincerely you are in a better space now.I hope you are getting professional help .
No slight meant to HG he is great in showing us the cold hard light and does so brilliantly without his teaching I would still be a fool , but you may benefit from talking to a therapist also who can help you with those overwhelming painful emotions.
Please take care of yourself we are all here if you need to express yourself or get those emotions out.
Big hug.
Thank you Kiki. x
Yes, have been receiving professional help with my therapist who is a bloody star as well.
I love this blog. HG has saved my life. Literally. What PatriNarch has been up to these past few weeks may well have tipped me back over the edge. Now he is in the middle of an oblivion crisis and it has been very intriguing to watch (and write about.)
Louis Cypher, frolicking with his tool kit of blame shifting, projection and gas lighting, to name but a few tools. Disgustingly evil. Superbly written HG
You are a Genius #FUEL 😆
This is exactly how my story went and then a brief Golden stage and then the discard. The end result of all of the trauma and abuse will definitely leave you CRAZED ❣️
Thank you
“the people from the hospital”
Ha ha!
Ah… very good. Spending time being evaluated by a professional is EXACTLY what I need. A good mental health professional will know immediately I don’t belong in the hospital and after I am evaluated and found to be mentally sound it will be your game that is exposed. I will get the help I need dealing with your abuse and more than likely your actions will be questioned by the authorities. Thank you. This is the best idea you’ve had in ages!
Unlikely.
Actually, that is exactly what happened. I wasn’t even found to be depressed…I wasn’t given any meds for anything, except for a sleep aid. What the doctors did do is kept me long enough to educate me about what I was dealing with and then gave me the tools and instructions to protect myself. I learned a great deal…
Margaret Robertson
I am confused. Did you visit a mental health professional, get evaluated, and educated sometime between 03:12 and 14:19?
No… my first reply to HG’s post was me commenting in the first person to his writing in the first person. My second reply was me responding to HG what actually took place. Sorry, I didn’t mean for it to be so confusing
Thank you for answering, Margaret Robertson, I appreciate it.
Ugh!
HG, ex-N’s bulldozer-and-word-salad tactics for ‘discussing misunderstandings’ made me believe that my PTSD was causing me to overreact and get the wrong end of the stick.
I found myself apologising all the time.
He was happy to let me.
I was crushed under the weight of this, until the happy moment of realisation (after much reading/reflection//journalling) that I was actually functioning perfectly well with everyone else in my life, that my internal indicator was working perfectly, and it was only with HIM that I was in a constant cycle of arguments. ( Victim N-sister was giving me a prolonged ST at that point).
So he had the brightly shining spotlight of righteousness turned on him, which he liked,.
It was also the light of truth, however, which he liked not.
(cue next cycle of unresolved arguments).
Thank you for this article HG, you’re so creative. Clever man!
Indeed I am and you are welcome.
I’ve lived with this and it’s horrifying, I’ve attributed to disorganized thinking on my narc’s part. I can only accept today that I’m the lucky one that I got out alive.
Why would you say that you all do the same things without having read a manual or knowing one another?
You are obviously new to this! Sorry it is not a fun ride.
Not new to it at all. I am asking the narcissist why they think all narcissists somehow magically pull the same scenes in different locations without having met one another or read a book that taught them what to do? I have my own theory. Curious what theirs is! Of course it will be some kind of self inflated lie that feigns they are of the utmost highest intelligence and unbeatable !
You are looking at it the wrong way around. It is not that narcissists all know how to operate in a similar way, but the fact that we operate in a similar way which makes us narcissists.
I’m simply asking what your theory is on the eerie similarity of scenarios? This one for instance…. I have my own memories of this conversation , these events being played out damn near line for line… as if he were the one telling the story …. as if you were there in his head! I know I’m not alone as many an ex partner of a narcissist also found themself in this exact or nearly exact scenario. Usually when you are saying to the narcissist that you are going to leave them… or something is going to change or your done …. or that you are unhappy…. how is it that this exact theme is produced by so many minds ? What’s your theory on that? Collective Hive mind? Subconscious telepathy? Demons? A certain movie that most humans have seen? I’m curious what your theory is since this scenario is quite extravagant and yet conjured up amongst so many of your kind that prior to this mass use of the World Wide Web didn’t have these kinds of articles to read to come up with this scenario? It’s interesting to me . Surely if I could remove from me the curiosity to investigate these kinds of things I would stop finding interest in such peculiar and covert predators but that’s beside the point. I’m just asking for your theory.
I’ll admit it is eerie how HG can nail it. I call it magic because I would be frightened if I think to deeply about it haha.
I think any mental health professional that studied your work HG would have an advantage in their field.
I agree and a number already do.
Chilling. That was a chilling read for me as it hits very close to home. Although my situation was different, my ex attempted to have me committed as well. This was very tough to read but so very accurate. There is ice in their veins, not blood.
THIS…indeed, is a real thing with a narcissist.