What Happens When You Accuse The Greater Narcissist?
I wrote previously about the situation where you tell a lesser member of our kind that you know what they are and how they react to it. What then of the response of those of us who belong to the greater school of narcissism? How do we react when you tell us that you know exactly what we are?
Those of us in the greater school possess three attributes which are relevant to this matter. Awareness, intelligence and malice. We know what we do. We know that this is regarded as wrong by other people (although we are always able to justify our behaviour when considered from our perspective) and we know that our behaviour hurts people but again it is entirely acceptable because we matter and you do not. We are superior and our sense of entitlement allows us to do as we please. We also do not possess the burden of guilt, remorse or compassion and therefore the effects of our behaviour cause us no trouble. There is no moral compass to guide us or hinder us. We may also be aware of exactly what we are, a narcissist. This is not always the case but we do know that we do is considered as abusive. We are intelligent enough to realise that the accusations of abuse fit with what is regarded as abuse, but we are also intelligent enough to know that we must engage in this behaviour because it is necessary to the preservation of our existence. The inherent tension that might exist between choosing to abuse someone and the impact on our existence is one whereby the need to exist will always outweigh the downsides of abusing someone (which are few when looked at through our world view. You would feel “bad” for hurting someone, you would be concerned about how this would affect you relationship or your friendship, you would worry about how others would view you, you would be concerned if it involved the authorities, your employer, your church and so forth. These concerns are much reduced in our world).
You may not realise that we are a narcissist but you do know our behaviour is abusive. Should you label us as an abuser and in support of this contention list the various instances of our behaviour, how do we respond. Our reaction is not subconscious and immediate like those of our lesser kind. We do not respond in a knee jerk reaction. We know that we are abusive and your labelling of us as such initially has two reactions.
The first is that we fear that we are losing control. Control is hugely important to us because we want you doing everything that we want and nothing that we do not want in order to ensure that you provide us with fuel. Our machinations and manipulations are all designed to gain and maintain control. Much of this is achieved by you remaining oblivious to what is happening to you or mitigating its effect by blaming yourselves (which we aim to achieve) or making excuses for us (again, something we aim to bring about). If you do not truly understand what is happening to you, you remain paralysed in this confusion and you will not do anything about it. You will not challenge us, you will not try to escape us, you will not shut off the supply of fuel. Accordingly, we need to keep you bound to us and compliant. This requires control. If we think that our control is being challenged, is slipping or is being eroded then we must establish it and do so quickly. I will return to how this is done in a moment.
The second reaction is that your moment of enlightenment that we are an abuser (or even worse you actually know we are a narcissist) is one of wounding. You have found us out. You have seen through us. You have worked us out. The potential loss of control is troubling, this being found out is terrifying and damaging. You have wounded us because you have criticised us. By telling us that you know what we are, we have failed in maintaining the state of confusion, bewilderment and ignorance. You have pierced the veil. We are mightier than you, superior to you and better than you, how can it be that someone like you has managed to unravel what we are? What else are you capable of? Who might you tell? We have failed. We hate failing. It reminds us of things we have consigned to the darkest recesses of our mind and now you, you hateful, treacherous, disloyal bitch have done this on purpose. You have done this after everything that we have done for you, because you want to hurt us don’t you? This failure to keep you in the dark amounts to a massive criticism of us. This in turn ignites the churning fury that is always there beneath the surface. This ignited fury will mean we either withdraw, unleash cold fury or unleash heated fury.
Our awareness of what we are actually makes us more vulnerable to the accusation of “I know what you are, you are an abuser, a narcissist” than those of our lesser or mid-range brethren. We are far more susceptible to being wounded by this outing. Our awareness equates to a weakness.
All is not lost for us of course. Our intelligence means that whilst we know what we are and we are wounded by your awareness and accusation, we are not without the means of addressing it. Our intelligence allows us to deflect and deny. We will utilise these twins to fight back, applying our considerable minds to deny what you have said. We will challenge your evidence, deny its existence, twist it around, pull it apart, change the subject, focus on something different, blame-shift and project. Powered by our heated fury this onslaught will be brutal and sustained as we fight to regain control. We will batter you into submission so that you become frightened, upset, angry or frustrated and thus you will give us fuel. Our further manipulations will allow us to regain control as you shrink back from our vicious words. Everything will be thrown at you in order to stop the wounding, regain control and gain the required fuel to power this defence mechanism.
If the situation is one where we cannot risk heated fury then we will issue a flat denial and engage cold fury by subjecting you to an icy and prolonged silent treatment, either of the present or absent variety.
If really necessary and this is of the last resort, we will withdraw to escape your wounding and find solace with another who will provide us fuel to repair the gaping wound that you have ripped in us. We will remain away from you for some time as we recover and enjoy the fuel from other sources as we recuperate. We will return of course because there is a score to settle and more fuel to draw from you, but for now that will have to wait.
We will also engage our energies, once we have gained more fuel (either from you if we unleash our heated fury, from you and others if we unleash cold fury and from others if we withdraw) in rolling out a smear campaign against you. Now you know what we are and we know you know, we need to ensure that this pollution does not spread elsewhere. We will up our seduction of other sources so that they like us all the more and ensure we spread poison about you so you are not believed if you try to tell other people that you know what we are.
Finally, the third attribute comes into play. Malice. The mid-range of our kind would withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere and be done with you for some time until a hoover of positive fuel through a Benign Hoover takes place. The mid-range of our kind would unleash heated fury or cold fury to stabilise the position but then would engage a Respite Hoover or a Preventative Hoover aimed at playing down what you know, restoring the golden period for a while so you focus on that and not this new knowledge or to prevent you leaving us armed with this new knowledge. The mid-range narcissist would do all of this to try and diffuse the situation and prevent it being brought up again. This does not apply to those of us who are of the greater variety. You must be punished for your terrible offence against us. Your transgression must be addressed. Your treachery must meet with a consequence. Once we have established control again and recovered from your awful wounding of us then you will be subject to a malign and brutal campaign as punishment for what you have done. This will happen if you remain with us in a relationship. It will happen if you have tried to escape us. We want to rain hell fire down on you in order to punish you for your disgusting behaviour. This is our right. This is our entitlement. This is how we respond.
You may know what we are, but if you are dealing with the greater of our kind, you may reflect on whether you really ought to make it known to us.
40 thoughts on “What Happens When You Accuse The Greater Narcissist?”
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HG,
If a narcissist is convinced they love you/truly care about you (and, to the best of your ability, they aren’t play-acting), does this eliminate the possibility they are a Greater?
Tx, if you can answer that.
No.
Oh my gosh — are you sure?? No, of course you’re sure… that’s just not what I was expecting you to say.
Maybe I didn’t phrase that right…I meant on a consistent, “never changes” basis (*not* cyclical)… ok, I think I’m just trying to get the answer I want here. Lol
All right – thank you very much, HG.
Original Overthinker, this is a great response.
Therapy is the best thing. I like EMDR therapy. It helps desensitize the trauma.
Whew! Therapy will help.
It was both mental and physical fury. It’s like being a piece of dust sucked into a vaccum with no way out, Exept when the vaccum bin has been thrown away and dumped in the trash.
It’s quite a dizzying experience. Now I get the to death we part.
Mandy K
That is horrible. I think my ex is ramping up the smearing. There are some “things” that (if they became public knowledge) would probably destroy me. I hope it doesn’t happen but after finding HG (on here and also on YouTube) I don’t have a lot of hope. It is nerve wracking.
Mandy K. Hang in there, you can do this. If you can, please do something good for yourself.
My ex did a huge smear that destroyed my reputation. But I’m still here. I got rid of everyone. I was painted completely black by people I thought were my friends. It hurts to this day. But I believe we can make it through the crap storms they throw at us. Big hugs!!!
Original overthinker
First of all, no matter how plausible anything he said was, it was a lie. It is always a lie. The better they know you and the smarter they are, the better they can play on your insecurities to destabilize you. But when their fury ignites, it is always a lie to tear you down and build them up.
What used to help me was to tell what he said to me to a trusted person who understood narc abuse. Someone who knows you and can reassure you that it was just abuse and not true. If you don’t have a good counselor, you need to find one. There’s no use trying to figure out why he said it or how he could be so hurtful. He said it because it made him feel better right then and only his feelings are important to him.
I remember the pain and how the feeling that I was coming apart devastated me. It affected my work, too. When I got to that point is when I left him. I couldn’t live with heated fury without it tearing me apart and I couldn’t afford to lose my job. And he’d lost his ability to control his fury and abuse due to his alcoholism.
Find a counselor, share here on the blog, consult with HG. I’m going to light a candle for you and keep you in my thoughts. Sending you positive energy ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️❤️
Thank you for your reply… I am trying to say it’s him not me, it’s him not me … He has got to me and made me question everything about my personality … He has someone new so I am fair game to say anything to destroy me … I am trying to coach myself that I will get happiness back and be the old me and I always will be happier than him … Thank you again keep me in those positive thoughts I need them … x x
❤️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️
So I was an unaware Dirty Little Secret to a Married Narc until I finally did a reverse phone look up and everything clicked. The confrontation did not go well. He was furious. I thought he was going to hit me. I told him not to be stupid and ruin his life just for the satisfaction of slapping me. He stormed out and is giving me the silent treatment. I have no desire to hurt his wife. I feel a lot of empathy for her. I’ve been tested for STD’s. I came out of this heartbroken but healthy. I have been sending snarky texts though. He has a new profile on the same dating site I’m on. So I’ve been texting to make suggestions on how he could improve his current dating profile. And bringing up different little lies he told me and how ridiculous it all seems now. And the dates I’ve been on and how I know those guys are liars because they are saying the same crap he did at first. So yeah…I’m trying to piss him off. And I think I’d better stop it. I’m pretty sure he’s reading these messages. After coming on here, instead of feeling like this is just a little bit of fun, petty, harmless “revenge”…I’m scared I’m actually poking the bear and it’s eventually going to bite me in the ass. I’m right about needing to stop it, right?
Yes, you should stop because you may be providing fuel still, you may wound (therefore you may receive retribution through ignited fury) and you are maintaining your emotional thinking when you should be reducing it through no contact. Tempting as it is to maintain this conduct, it is hard on the heels of your involvement with the narcissist and thus it is keeping your ET high which is causing you to keep engaging thinking that you are ‘winning’. A solid period of no contact is required to drain the emotional thinking and then one might consider revenge at that juncture because that will be a decision made with logic and not ET.
Thank you. I will heed your advice.
What constitutes a solid period of no contact? 3 months, 6months 9 months ? I’m a little over a month in but I have had little contact in 4 months
At least six months.
Aww crap 5 more to go! I can do it. It is getting easier. 1 day at a time
I know passive hoovers are provocation and I have managed to resist, but are they a warm up for a real hoover? Or is it the Narc saying ehh I’m bored let me see if can hoover my previous victim and 10 minutes later they are on to someone else or is it them thinking ohh let me soften her up to idea and see if I can get her to contact me ?
6 months is overly optimistic, HG. I am at 10 months and my ET is not dead yet.
It is a minimum of 6 months, it may well be more however in certain instances.
Oh God, Is this what I am looking forward to?
HG, why would a greater tell you that you’d dented their pride? After you had fucked then over in a small way. 100% greater. I thought this was more fitting of a mid?
Lull you into a false sense of security.
Hmmmmm okay. Worrying hahahahaha
Thank you though. God, when will I learn!
NA I love reading your comments.
Seriously, WTF is right. I exposed him to two or three people. One still doesn’t believe me. A full scale campaign would be pointless. As long as he stays away I’m happy.
I’m sorry to hear about the smear campaigns. Knowing you’re right and being made to sound like the crazy one is enraging.
I am actually scared reading this … I had heated fury … The things that were said have destroyed me and made the last 5 years of my life a lie … I was taken to hospital last week from work … I collapsed … I think partially due to the stress of it all … I am struggling with the concept how a Human being can do that to another person …
Sending hugs!!!
You got this. Please remember that!
Know you deserve the best in this life.
We only have a certain amount of time on the earth plain. Please don’t waste your time on crappy people.
NEVER. let them know. YOU have lost YOUR power then- your power for SuperNova, your power for revenge! Smile- be nice- give some fuel when you need to – only in order to get into their houses to snoop and find what you need— smile, keep your shit together, get cold in your heart towards them– then get your revenge, there is a reason ” Revenge is best served cold’ came about!
This is such timely great advice. I’m on the verge of exposing him.. we are hot on his trail. He made a pass at someone at work and she has put in a complaint. He’s loving the negative attention he’s playing the victim and convincing the powers that be.
I am the fly in the ointment because I’ve validated her by saying he’s an abuser. Wish I hadn’t. he desperately wants me to connect. I’ve started to make eye contact and smile occasionally just to put him off the scent.
I felt worried by this. I can see all around me being persuaded by his act.
What will become of this.
You know what they say. Oh what a terrible web we weave…………
I thought about it and decided that I most definitely should expose you. See… you really aren’t smarter than me. That’s a (dangerous) lie you have convinced yourself of. I figured out what you are in less than a year. You thought you had me trapped but I have out maneuvered you at every turn. You give me the silent treatment, I just ignored you and found something good to read. You went on vacation without me and I thoroughly enjoyed having the house to myself! And I made sure everyone knew it too. When you lost control and gave into your fury I simply stated the fact that you should be in counseling and be on medication in order to be around the general public. Your smear campaign did not work. I ignored the lies and without any reaction from me the entire thing fell completely apart. You lost. And you have now proven to everyone that you are truly coo coo for Cocoa Puffs. I suppose the new motorcycle and fancy new clothes will keep you from looking so much of a loser….except now your $100,000 in debt, not including the mortgage. For a banker your money management skills leave much to be desired! Ah well… you’re someone else’s problem now, thank god. I’ve started my new life. You tried everything you could to make it difficult or prevent it all together…. but I’m stronger than you though. And smarter. (And better looking too!). Life is good!
I submitted a comment but then my screen froze. If it shows up twice, I’m sorry. Meanwhile I will try and remember how I worded it. I really wish I had read this BEFORE. Before I made the huge error of accusing him. There was an immediate denial and the fury in his voice was palpable. There is now a huge smear campaign against me from what I understand. There have been indirect hoovers. I believe HG those are malign hoovers. I believe he is trying to hoover me back so he can punish me by “betraying” him (in his mind). I think that if I changed my mind and wanted The Golden Period back; I am sure there would be no chance in hell of that happening.
Hey Broken. For what it’s worth I identify with ur exp as well. I, too, wish I had read any of HG’s writings before I called out my ex G. I’m being viciously maligned hoovered with smears, too. It has been a greater (pun intended) lesson for me. Looking at myself and the roles I played hurts worse than anything he could say or do to me. The hardest thing is forgiving myself. I found out who my friends are tho!
Speaking for myself, I was warned by a woman who dated him for 3 weeks but I really believed I was in control. Becuz neither she nor I knew specifically that he is NPD (he admitted it to me at the ‘end’). Exactly as HG said, exG knew he was wrong and what he did is legally considered rape, but he does not care.
I knew I had ‘met my match,’ but he got over and continues to do so. I get his heated fury indirectly. Only 4 months NC. I think he believes his lies and he gets so much attention putting me down by people I thought liked me, but r really more than happy to jump on his bandwagon with him.
Thanks for ur post. I needed to know I’m not alone which is why I visit this site. Today is a good day to have a good day. Rise above it all. X
I made it known, and now I am being verbally assaulted, smeared, and even told that I should kill my self by narc ex’s new IPPS. He manipulated and lied to me for years, and now he is actually claiming that he has Aspergers and that I took advantage of him! His IPPS says that when I found out he cheated on me, I shouldn’t have taken him back because I should’ve realized then that he had a “disability,” and I was basically misusing power over a handicapped person. Serious WTFness.
Mandy K
That is so ridiculous and funny that too many inappropriate jokes collided in my head and I had to lay down for a minute. I have to ask though- if you are a molester of the handicapped part-time, what does that make his full- time IPPS? Serious WTFness indeed.
Side note: I love how when a narc pretends he has a disorder it’s always Aspergers because its sometimes considered or referred to as HIGH functioning autism. Our boys will take no less than top spot even in a disorder lol.
He left the woman he first cheated with for me, and IPPS said that I should’ve known he had the disability then and I was crazy to take back an insane man. It’s convenient for him to be insane when he does bad things, but when she doesn’t want to deal with the truth of his personality it’s a handicap on his part. He needs an ADA compliant ramp for his dick at this point. So you’re right, what DOES that make her now? I didn’t know he was a serial cheater then, but she knows now. She is also making the “other” other woman’s life miserable. And he is sitting back, most likely enjoying that the heat is off of him now.
Hi NA
Your first sentence is so funny I’m sure I’ll try using it, somehow somewhere. Absolute gold. The whole first paragraph actually.
Yup mine ex narc said he had aspergers then that narc snigger
Mandy K
May I ask you a few questions? When you made it known; what was the immediate reaction? Were you still with him at the time? How long after you made it known did the smearing start? I am so sorry you are going through this!
He raged the first time I ever called him a narcissist, but then quickly changed to a sobbing mess. I had just caught him cheating. I found a parking receipt from a lot downtown for a time he was supposed to be working. When I asked him about it, he cried and said he went to see a tax attorney because he hadn’t paid $40000 in taxes “accidentally” from his consulting business. I didn’t believe him, contacted the county parking authority and they told me exactly where the parking receipt was located- at a hotel where his other woman was staying. So I called him a narcissist, first he raged, then he sobbed and sobbed and pleaded and I took him back. I should’ve run. The last time I called him a narcissist was right after my final discard (disengagement). He knew he ruined my life, and he was quiet and seemingly respectful until I called him out. Now he is lying about me and making my life miserable. He even admitted to me in a letter written to me, but copied to his new IPPS: “you were nothing more to me than someone to forget about my weakness and lack of self esteem.” Does that sound like someone autistic, or who he REALLY is? I do NOT recommend calling them out.
Mandy “serious WTFness” I’ll have to tuck that one in my mind for later use.
It is a good one MB, I’m tucking it away too!