Scenting Blood
In our engagement with our appliances and especially with our primary sources, we are repeatedly seeking to extract fuel. We have been designed to draw those fuel providers into our grasp, from the colleagues that we work with, the relevant family members and friends so that rather than surround ourselves with appliances of limited function we ensure that all those who are attached to us are likely to provide us with fuel. As I have explained before, we like to preserve our energy and operate in an efficient and effective fashion. As part of that approach we like to ascertain if we can scent fuel in our interactions with you, in the same way that a shark smells blood in the ocean and knows that a bigger prize awaits. There are certain responses that you provide that immediately tell us that there is more fuel ready to be extracted. Just as how a tiny nick on your leg may cause droplets of blood to fall and be smelt by the predatory shark, there are certain things that you will say to us that tells us that we should dive straight in and seize the advantage. There are comments that you will make which indicates to us that you are holding a reservoir of fuel just under the surface and all we need to do is slice you open and gorge on that waiting fuel. Your response tells us that your emotion is there, just a few moments away from being extracted, seized and gathered, so that rather than attend to something else we are best served by focusing our efforts on you.
It is akin to staring at a vast body of water behind a glass partition. We want that body of water to come gushing forward, engulfing us and cascading over us. We do not wish to dedicate the time to hammering away at this toughened glass in the hope of eventually making it crack. We do not want to expend our energy chiselling and drilling but instead we want to find the weak spot. We want to identify that flaw, that weakness, that opening, which means that with the careful application of pressure, the edifice will shatter and the water will come surging over us in an instant. You are no different. You are filled with fuel. That is why we chose you. You might be a co-dependent super tanker of fuel that requires the hull to be holed, you may be a super empathic fuel well which just needs to be drilled or an empathic fuel pump where one pinprick in the hose will allow the fuel to spurt out. You are a walking fuel depot and at times we can do just one thing, say one thing and the fuel will come fountaining from you, shooting out of you, gushing from you, ready for us to suck it all up, gorging on your delicious and potent fuel and drinking deep of your vast resources.
It is you that gives us the indication that you are ready to flow with fuel, that the dam can easily be breached and once you provide that indication to us, it only takes a small amount of pressure, a modicum of application and the most straightforward of manipulations to cause you to burst and we gain so much fuel. You are teetering on the brink of providing the fuel, it is almost spilling over there is so much of it and you tell us that it is there, often in just one sentence and then we apply the pressure and the geyser erupts.
These indications are applicable to both positive fuel and negative fuel. The comments in themselves will provide some slight amount of fuel but they are indicators, gateways telling us that in that moment there is a whole host of additional fuel ready to be tapped and it is easy to do so. This is why when you provide us with the positive indicators we dive in and invite you to expand on the point that you have made, the comments that you have shared because we know that there is more behind what you have said and we want it. It becomes even more evident when with the negative indicators. These really are a green light for us to satiate our fuel lust in the way that a pugilist would satisfy his bloodlust. You have waved the key in front of us through your comment and we will focus on that comment and what it signifies in order to get at the fuel that is hoarded behind it.
Should you say them to us you should be aware that you have just telegraphed that there is fuel to be gained and whatever we might have been doing will be forgotten as we turn and fix our eyes on you. Like the cruising shark, the scent of blood has been detected and easy and satisfying prey is well within reach. Our cold jaws will be clenched around you as we puncture you and begin to slurp on the surfeit of fuel. What then are these indicators, what should you be aware of what is it that you say which tells us that there is fuel ready and waiting to be extracted, exploited and consumed?
The Positive Indicators
- I love you
- How did you manage to do that?
- There is nobody like you.
- Where did you get that shirt from?
- That was amazing.
- That is an outstanding result.
- I could listen to you talk for hours.
- I could kiss you forever.
- I would die for you.
- I cannot imagine being anywhere else right now other than with you.
- I have finally found what I have been searching for.
- If I died now, it would not matter.
- I don’t know what I would do without you.
- I would do anything for you.
- I belong to you.
The Negative Indicators
- Where have you been?
- I hate you right now.
- Don’t leave me.
- Why must you hurt me like this?
- Who is she?
- I just need to feel loved.
- I miss you still.
- Is that it?
- What about me?
- You are being unfair.
- Please listen to me.
- Don’t shout at me.
- I don’t understand.
- Please talk to me.
- Please stop.
- I need to sleep.
- Please be reasonable.
- It is my birthday.
- Please, for my sake, just do it.
- You are scaring me now.
Let the feeding frenzy commence.
62 thoughts on “Scenting Blood”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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MB, I am glad you are here.
Everyhting about you that I have observed is very worthy.
Analise, that is very sweet of you to say. Thank you. I’m glad you’re here too.
After a lot of research I come to find myself on this incredibly helpful blog. I finally understand what has just happened to me. Likening us to appliances makes alot of sense. I was the appliance who was the successful and beautiful academic. holding all the upper level degrees My upper mid level Narc never obtained for himself. His new primary source and my replacement is an escort 15 years my junior who cant complete a sentence, has no direction, and is a complete junkie mess. I guess Im left wondering , how on earth does such cognitive dissonance even apply here? How can you go from one extreme to the next? I understand this is about him obtaining his best sources of fuel. But dont narcissistic have standards? How does he parade this person around in public? This is my replacement and his PRIMARY source that is meeting his parents?
Welcome and I am pleased you are finding my work helpful. Please read ‘Have You See Who He Is With?’ that will answer your questions.
Hi just another question .Does being a DLS mean you have narc traits ,a lot of people would bash the DLS , or are we lured in because we just want to give love and recive love and thrive on fantasy ,or are we addicted to the validation from the narc ,which also sounds like a narc trait .Are both the narc and empath different sides of the same coin.
Oh I don’t know what I am.
I could not ever intentionally hurt or manipulate another nor delete them but having been a DLS am I guilty of the exact traits the narc has.
Kiki
I am a DEMB and I think you are an empath.
One of the dirty strands which runs through the Dirty Empath is that of Marriage Breaker (or Intimate Relationship Breaker). This strand is based on the narcissistic trait of selfishness.
You may find these two articles helpful:
https://narcsite.com/2018/05/29/the-dirty-empath-marriage-breaker-4/
https://narcsite.com/2018/08/01/dirty-little-secret-7/
Kiki and K, I also have dirty empath traits.
I don’t like it, but it makes the logic and fury come to the top of my being. The narc in me wants to feel powerful. To be a complete bitch, then the empath comes in and makes me feel shame and guilt. It’s tough to digest and work on. Therapy is a very good thing, along with working with HG.
Tammy
There is nothing wrong with those narcissistic traits, just learn how to manage them and make them work for you. Keep up the therapy, reading (replacing ET with LT) and working with HG. Two months from now you will be in a different place.
P.S.
Lose the shame and the guilt; they aren’t helpful.
KK
Great advice for T. Those narc traits serve a greater purpose in finding balance if you harness them than shame and guilt ever will.
T
Listen to KK. ‘kay?
Thank you, NarcAngel
Correct; healthy narcissism is a good thing and Tammy just has to find balance. I never realized the burden of shame and guilt and how it can affect an individual-to their detriment-until I came here.
I liked the ‘kay BTW!
KK, I wish I had the insight and awareness that HG has regarding himself and what makes him tick. All this talk about codependency has me looking into it. Apparently shame and codependency are linked? I just want to understand why I feel how I feel. What is the root of it? I want to give it names like he does: Fuel, Fury. So jealous of HG for having that ability to fully understand and articulate it so clearly.
MB
I wasn’t sure about CoD so I read Chained and that clarified things and answered my questions. Although you are a Standard Carrier Empath, you are heavy on the shame, so I think you may find it helpful to google articles or find a book that explores shame, its origins, and how to deal with it. The more you read, everything just starts to click and naturally falls into place; you don’t even realize it is happening. Think: X-Files: The Truth Is Out There. Don’t stop reading; find your answers.
I envy HG’s writing, as well, he is very good at it.
Thank you KK.
My pleasure HG.
Thank you K. I haven’t read Chained, but I will knock it out. It seems like it is geared toward the IPPS. Also, I didn’t identify as codependent either. I don’t think I am. But in one of Lou’s comments. She talked about fear of intimacy, perfectionism and shame and some other things she said resonated with me. I’ve downloaded a coD book and of course it’s really geared toward those living with addicts which I have no point of reference. I would like to get to the bottom of my own food addiction. I read somebody’s comment here that addictions can surface when one feels they lack control. I also never saw perfectionism/procrastination as a coD behavior. Anyway, more research and self reflection needed.
MB
Just like we can have narc traits but not be a narcissist, we can have codependent traits and not be a codependent. The bottom line for narcs is lack of empathy. If you have it, you’re not a narc.
From what I’ve read, the bottom line for codependents is to gain your feelings of self worth from the relationship with the narc and to enable him in his destructive behavior. If you don’t do those two things, you’re not a codependent. It doesn’t matter what traits you have or don’t have.
WS
Thank God for empathy! Because, if I didn’t have it, there are moments when I think I could be a psychopath.
KK
Maybe that’s the evolutionary purpose of empathy. If we were all psychopaths, society wouldn’t be able to function.
I think you are right on the money WS!
Thank you Windstorm, I get my validation from outside myself. My self-esteem is in the toilet. I am not an enabler of anyone’s bad behavior. I don’t think I’m a codependent, but may have some traits.
MB
It hurt me to read that you feel your self-esteem is in the toilet. There are so many wonderful things about you that are obvious from reading your comments. Maybe you feel like this because you’re getting your validation from others and they are jerks and narcissists.
There were many years of my life that I fought an internal battle. My family made me feel like dirt and wanted my self esteem to be in the toilet, but deep inside an unconquerable part screamed that this was a lie. It pointed out my grades, my teachers comments, my coworkers comments, my creativity and resourcefulness. No matter how bad I felt about myself, this inner voice kept me from totally believing it.
Do you have an inner voice like this? When you think bad things about yourself, is there a part inside you that says it is a lie and points out good things about you? Try to hear it. Sit down and make a list of all the good things about yourself. List the things you want to be true about yourself.
We all of us have the ability to be the person we want to be. We determine who we are, not the people around us – especially if they’re narcs or very narcissistic! Be the MB YOU want to be. What other people think is irrelevant.
I’ll shut up now, but your comment really touched a nerve with me, since I fought they battle for so many years. Take a hold of your self esteem and don’t let anyone put it in the toilet again!
I’m sorry I upset you Windstorm. I could write a book here, but here’s the synopsis. Nobody in my adult life has made me feel this way. I’ve only had one narc that has had any impact on my life and that was minimal. Besides that, I’ve always felt this way even before said narc. If it is rooted in my childhood, it was absolutely unintentional. I have many positive attributes and a great many achievements from my school days and in my career. I am successful and loved. I get compliments and gratitude on a daily basis. Logically, that is what I know. However, the voice inside me is the opposite of yours. No matter what, that voice tells me I’m not worthy. It’s not that “I’m not good enough”. It’s more that it’s not true and certainly not deserved. I feel like I’m in the way and unnecessary if that makes sense. Sometimes, I wish I could just disappear and not take up space or breathe air. My inner voice is not kind to me. The only cheerleaders I have are outside of myself. Not really much different than a narcissist, now that I type that out. The only difference is I WISH I could disappear rather than FEARING it. Shame and guilt are my constant companions. As I’ve said on here before: “I’m an albatross hanging around my own neck.” I know all of this. I just don’t know how to fix it. Pharmaceuticals have kept the darkness from completely engulfing me and I know I could not function or maybe even be alive without them. The therapy I’ve tried has been utterly unhelpful at best and harmful at worst. Talk about feeling unworthy! *MB in the middle of a painful emotional breakthrough. Therapist: OK, time’s up. Let’s reconvene next week when we will just begin to make progress and time will be up again and I’m only listening to you because you pay me.*
Ok. Enough pity party! I’ve got a company to run.
MB
You run a company and your self esteem is in the toilet? I’m lucky to run my own life (and not very successfully)!
It is key to find the right therapist. A bad therapist is worse than useless. There’s no sense going to one like you describe.
Even though your negative feedback is the opposite of mine, the solution might be the same. Only you would need to listen to your loved ones and ignore your own negative inner voice. Lol! Making lists of your accomplishments and successes might still help as this is proof of your capabilities.
Forgive my memory, but were neither of your parents narcs? My friends with your problem grew up with at least one narc, either running them down or pushing them too hard.
Well, you are my friend and all my friends are very good people, whether they realize it or not.
Sending you positive energy ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️❤️
Windstorm, I’ve got all kinds of mad skills when it comes to doing what is needed for others. Just not so much when it comes to doing for me.
Neither of my parents were Narcs. They were very young. I’m the second oldest of 4 that my mother had between 17-21. They did their best, but there never seemed to be enough. I was a burden and I knew it. Maybe that’s why I wish I could disappear and not need anything. I have three sisters all of which married Narcs. One has married 2 out of 3 of her marriages. I got lucky and a normal latched onto me at age 13 and I’m still with him. I have many many blessings and feel quite silly for saying these things out loud when so many people suffer. For real suffering, not the self inflicted kind.
Thank you for the positive energy. It is felt and appreciated. ❤️
MB
You are not unnecessary, unworthy, or in the way. You are wonderful and I am happy that you are here. You matter to us.
We are not that different from the narcissist; we are separated by a fine line: a false self v true self and empathy; that’s it. We are exactly the same but completely different.
Screw the therapist! You are better off here than in a therapist’s office anyway. We will listen you and you have every right to feel sorry for yourself. Tell that inner voice to go to hell.
Well said!
Thank you very much WS! We all matter!
KK, thank you for your kindness. I don’t know where that inner voice came from or why she’s so cruel. I wish I could grasp it all and give it names and articulate it like HG does. But here’s an example from yesterday in the life of MB. It’s not an exciting story, but it will provide an illustration: Lunch time, drive through, placed my order which included unsweetened tea. I know it’s the south and unsweet tea is anathema to most here but 🤮. I get my order. Always taste the tea before I pull away because many times it’s sweet. It’s difficult to distinguish sweet vs unsweet on the drive through speaker and here, sweet tea is the default. (They need another name for it.) I insert the straw and yep, it’s sweet 🤮 I look at my receipt. It says sweet. I wait until she opens the window again because I was still sitting there and hand her the cup telling her I need unsweet tea. She was courteous but doesn’t apologize. Then she gives me the correct drink and my other one back as well. And here’s the kicker, she said, “we are not supposed to take drinks back into the store once someone has drank out of them.” I took it and said, “yes, of course. That makes sense.” I left with my two cups and my shame. I feel it low in my chest, high in my belly. (Where my gall bladder used to be. Diaphragm-ish area.) But why? I felt dirty and disgusting and less than because I had tainted the cup with my hands and my saliva on the straw. Because of who I am, it was filthy and could not even been allowed in their trash can. I felt ashamed of myself. It bothered me for several hours after that and even now, I can feel that gnawing wound. It never heals. The scab is scratched off and salt poured in over and over and over. Logically, I know it’s silly to feel this way. Most people would have never even given it another thought. Which adds to my shame. I feel ashamed for being ashamed. I should’ve just taken the sweet tea and thrown it away at work and bought a diet soda from the machine. And next time, because of this experience, that is exactly what I will do when I go to this place. Any other times it’s happened at restaurants (and it happens a lot). They just nonchalantly toss the cup, apologize for the mistake and give me a new one. No harm, no foul. Aside from a little guilt for having the need for unsweet tea when I “should” just be able to drink sweet tea like everybody else.
If I was a narcissist, the story would’ve had a different ending. It would’ve been that girl in the window feeling pain, not me. But Instead, she hasn’t thought of it since and has no idea what her words did to my insides. Besides, I would never want her to know. If she’s empathic, it would bother her to think she hurt somebody, especially unintentionally.
I know, I know. There’s all kinds of wrong with this story and my thinking and I can tell you every bit of that. I know what you will say to me because I would say those things too if I was talking to you. My brain knows the truth, but my shame is more powerful. That bitch hits me where it hurts. I “feel” it. It’s visceral and nagging. It’s always there just waiting to be poked.
MB
I read your comment and I need to do a little research and reflect so I can respond in a helpful manner. If I could box up some of my narcissism and FedEx it to you, I would.
Oh my gosh MB! You’re making me feel anxious!
Next time, when you drive around to the window to pay, ask first thing, “hey there, you caught that I wanted unsweetened tea right?” Problem solved. Then the worker double checks before she hands drink to you.
I wouldn’t have taken back the wrong drink either. I would have said I have only one cup holder and could she please just toss it in the garbage. Then just drive on your merry way.
MB
There is nothing wrong with your story or your feelings and you are entitled to drink your Sweet Tea unsweetened and you do not have to buy a diet soda from the machine next time, unless you really want to.
Ok, I am no expert but it looks like you have toxic shame and I read a few articles on how to deal with it. You are going to have work through it by bringing it to the fore (feel it) and, then you need to take a step back, remove the emotion and look at the situation logically and you need to keep doing this over and over again until your logic wins out. It’s going to be painful but I don’t think you have any other choice.
I googled: how to deal with toxic shame, and got most of my information from Psychology Today.
Some articles suggest:
1. finding out who put it there (usually your parents),
2. practicing self-compassion and self-acceptance
3. talking about shame with empathic people who will allow you to express your feelings and accept them without judgement. (that would be us)
You need to get this beast under control, keep reading and don’t stop.
BTW, replace the statement below with: I will drink my sweet tea anyway I damn well please and, if you don’t like it, that’s too fucking bad! That’s your fucking problem, not mine.
Aside from a little guilt for having the need for unsweet tea when I “should” just be able to drink sweet tea like everybody else.
MB
What do you think caused your self esteem to be in the toilet? Have you felt like this all your life or is this a recent thing?
It’s been my whole life NA. I wrote a reply to Windstorm that should be released shortly. I just want to be a badass like you when I grow up NA! Still aspiring 🙂
You are welcome MB
There is a lot of talk here about CoD behaviour and Chained is geared towards the IPPS, however, irrespective of your position in the fuel matrix, it helps you understand the dynamic and the differences among the empath schools, also, traits can overlap just like they do in the narcissistic schools.
I agree; addictions seem to surface when people feel like they have no control, to wit, cutting, anorexia, etc. and I have seen both perfectionism and procrastination in empaths and narcissists.
Research, then step back and reflect and keep doing it.
Thank you KK. I’m not looking for a label, just answers that resonate with me.
Hi MB! A book you may want to read is, “When Shame Begets Shame”, by Christine Louis de Canonville, if you are trying explore more from the shame angle.
In the event the reader interview happens with HG, I wanted a couple of good questions regarding shame, and i have followed her work too on narcissistic abuse and npd. She is very, very good.
Thank you for the recommendation Clarece. I will read that one.
Thank you K .
Yes I will read those now.
My pleasure, Kiki.
Some people are just meeting assholes ….not all these men are narcs . IMO not many have seen the rage / fury or abuse directed on them ….that’s a good thing. Wish I would have known that he wasn’t just a problem alcoholic who stopped drinking ..
Hi HG
Have you ever had to tell someone they are not dealing with a narc at all , or is it in most cases we are , as your teachings resonate so clearly with many here.
Best wishes
Yes I have.
Kiki: ” Have you ever had to tell someone they are not dealing with a narc at all…”
HG: “Yes I have.”
Just curious HG, in these cases was it a Mid-ranger thinking they were the victim and they consulted with you – or a mistaken empath?
1. There have been occasions where I have been consulted with by a narcissist. Of course it is conceivable that they are entangled with another narcissist. Sometimes it is evident that the other person (being labelled a narcissist) is actually the victim.
2. There are other occasions where the victim is mistaken and the other person is not a narcissist, but it is an honest mistake.
Interesting. Thank-you for your answer.
I would love to be a fly on the wall during a consultation from a narcissist thinking their victim was the narcissist. Awkward! So your advice would be to get out and stay out although you knew they weren’t being abused? The advice you would give to a narcissist that doesn’t know what they are intrigues me.
Think about it. If I tell the narcissist to GOSO then they may well leave the real victim alone through that.
I know HG! It’s a beautiful thing. They leave the victim alone if you tell them they must GOSO. But then they have quite powerful ammunition for smearing. “HG says you’re a narcissist!” That whole dynamic is just fascinating.
They may do that, but of course I do not advise they take such a step. Further, as pointed out earlier, two narcissists can entangle.
Advising a narcissist that they are entangled with a narcissist. Now that’s a whole new level of awkward! I’m sure you handle it with ease and professionalism, Sir.
Thank you
In those occasions when they don’t realize what they are, do you inform them? If they are a narc and do not realize it, do you tell them they are?
No, I don’t.
Hi HG,
Your work has changed my life for the better! I am forever grateful to you!
Have you told the consulting Narcissist that they are a Narcissist or was it useless alerting them to what they really are? If you did alert them, how was it received? I told my Mid-Ranger that he is a Narcissist after our 3rd hostile entanglement. He rejected it with a “Lol” and then blocked me from his phone.
He is now blocked and almost forgotten, no illusions of love from him (I accept and love him as he is, from afar with no contact)… I am now in a loving relationship with a strong Alpha male possessing many Narcissistic traits.
You are welcome.
No, I do not say, there is no point.
HG
Just curious, if you have time to answer – have you ever had a narcissist ask you what type of empath they are? Or do they have enough subliminal awareness to know not to ask? If one actually asked would you tell them then? Thank you.
I have not. If one asked what WS? If a narcissist asked what kind of empath are they? I would state they are not an empath.
Thank you for your answer, HG. I was referencing how in the past some of us would consult you to find out what type of empath we are, or they would comment that they knew they weren’t a narc because you had told them so.
I’d bet that wanting to know which type of empath they are is something only an empath would even ask. Narcs would have other concerns. Thanks again!
I’ve said many of the negatieve sentences. I’m sure he enjoyed all of the negativity. He’s such a parasite.
I am going to need another consult! I love messing with his mind- but really— they are so many steps ahead of us! Now, he is back, or more accurately wants back. Now he wants to meet my birth- mother! She is a narc. I have gone ‘grey-stone’- I do talk to him ’cause I enjoy messing with his head. NOW, he wants to meet my birth-mother??!!! He is coming to my town tomorrow for the weekend, and wants to take my mom for lunch- after 4 years? I already know why, he wants me to join him the end of the month for a ‘blessing ceremony’ at one of his resorts that a native band bought into- and he needs me (I am part native and the council of this band has met me — and he wants their money)So, I am the perfect ‘appliance’ for the job– yup- that is what he wants. Since I have gone grey-stone on him and not giving him positive or negative fuel he is ramping up his game- to get me in line so I will, once again, be the perfect ‘appliance’ for the job! Yup- HG- I do need to consult with you.Sadly I do want more interaction with this band as I get more exposure for my business- so I will do it!
Boy oh Boy! My mother and him met- and my mother was the most elegant kind polite, well mannered woman ever! Who was that woman in my mother’s body? She even told him, when he told her he did not want to meet her as on many times she has refused to babysit my dog if she knew I was going somewhere to see him, “I have never done that” Then she smiled at me making me look like a liar! I did call her out- and say “Mom, you have done that— many times.” She did accept the correction and admitted she has not taken my dog– “I just wanted to make sure you were being good to her, and now that I have FINALLY met you. I can see you a are a good man, and good to her, so of course I will take care of her dog so she can see you. She had it all wrong!” Then she smiled at him and at me.
WHOAH! Two narcs at a competition! Oh boy! Yes, when I settle down, I need a consult as I do need these native events to get more business for my company and he holds the cards! Yes, I know he is holding them as bait for me! Then I will tell HG in private who he is parading around as his new IPPS— and I cannot compete with her last name– and she is a sleezy piece of work- but he likes the last name!
Such insightful research from the ‘Narcworld Institute of Human Experimentation For Fuel’ HG, so clearly explained.
Thank you.
-ve #13 “I don’t understand. You’ll have to explain it to me”
— this was my opening line that handed him on a plate, two days of tension, drama and arguments. Lucky him.
What I said: “I don’t understand”
What he heard me say: “here is my heart and mind, please continue to trample on them”
What he said: “there are two sides to every argument”
What I (eventually) realised he was saying: “my side is the only one that’s going to be heard, but I’m happy to keep you waiting to say your piece if that will keep you here arguing, upset, and increasingly confused”.
I could never understand why he seemed comfortable upsetting me, and never apologised. Thank you for the answers.