The Narcissist’s Social Media Laws – No. 3
This is not a meme – this is the truth.
135 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s Social Media Laws – No. 3”
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Hi Ladies
Just read Dirty secret june 2017 and I am very triggered .It cuts to the core to realise you were nothing more than a dirty whore .
It’s at moments like this I have to sit back and get a grip on my emotions .
I could easily tell all on him , or at least threaten to do that .
I know I won’t but it feels bad , is it good to read this stuff I don’t know anymore or is it like a sledgehammer belting my already fragile self .
I know HG is showing us the reality but being a feeling person it is hard on me , somedays I feel ahhah I have it now I have knowledge of this others I feel my heart is being shredded and it isn’t even my ex narc doing it , it’s being spelled out here in black and white .
Am I just torturing myself more , what if I pretend he was an ok guy who loved his wife , respected me and couldn’t continue it .
Sometimes the mind doesn’t know the difference it’s the thought that counts isnt it .HG you do not feel the immense pain , you talk about the creature and the construct failing , us empaths suffer that pain and handle it , we have no choice .
I’m ranting now .
Any advice ladies please .
Kiki,
Reading articles on here opens your eyes to what they are and yes it cuts like a knife to realize the truth of it all and that you are nothing to them.
Kiki
You are not a dirty whore and never were. That is just what they have to tell themselves in order to support their way of being and treatment of you to come out on top (their perception and where they lie to themselves). You are still the girl of the golden period and nothing has changed about you but their need to make you into something else to soothe their inadequacies and justify their actions so they can continue with and feed their addiction of causing pain. You cannot be held accountable to the fact that he realized he is not worthy of you. The reason that HG uses the sledgehammer is in part I think because of your example. If you believed he was an ok guy that loved his wife and respected you but just couldnt make it work, it might protect you and ease the pain now, but you would be most susceptible to hoovers in future and continue the cycle with him or someone else. Deceiving yourself is even more insidious and effective than someone else doing it. They know this and plant the seeds. Dont water them.
Thank you Narc Angel.You are right. It is that cozy blanket of denial that feels less painful short term but is dangerous because it keeps us stuck or going back.HG gives it to us in real terms and sometimes it bites and cuts when it hits a raw nerve but it is good for me.
I find at times I want to hide in that denial ,
Reading your response brought back just how dangerous it is to avoid the pain ..I went straight back into the cycle at one time the hurt was so bad it felt like a reprieve from the pain.
I remember feeling elated , that only lasted four weeks until the most brutal disard of my life .If I had accepted the pain I would have saved myself from that hell and humilation.
Reading HGS books I know it’s the mixture he talks about, that is very strong in me .I am at least aware of that now.
I am reading no contact and it is so perfectly written to describe how we feel .I think I have not fully gripped the reality that it was an illusion but Im trying hard and getting there.
Thanks
Well said Narc Angel. Kiki good for you, get pissed, how dare he treat you like this. Don’t react to him though. Use that anger to help yourself. Now you know and you’ll never forget. I call that progress.
Awww NA, your response to Kiki was very comforting!!
The trouble with the self-doubt, at least for me, is during the last year with longer periods of time with no contact with JN, very deep memories from buried past hurts resurfaced that connected the dots for me on why I hung on for so long to get his approval and validation. I’ve also had other rejections when I’ve tried to move on from my marriage or JN and that’s why I stopped two years ago, from all of that. It really hasn’t gotten better and hope is completely diminished. I’m living with my own huge void now and just try to stay numb most of the time to avoid thinking about it. Once you realize you were a DLS and that even others felt they could treat you that way with you having no clue you present something about yourself that makes them think it’s ok, it’s uh, pretty deadening inside.
I appreciated your kind comments. They were very thoughtful!
Excellent answer NA.
Hi Kiki,
I do get it. That article for the first time, was a major trigger for me too. Here is why pretending that “he was an ok guy who loved his wife , respected me and couldn’t continue it” won’t ever really settle in for your psyche. If that really was true, he would have respectfully given you closure. There would have been a kind parting between two consenting adults where at least a kindness and appreciation for having had the experience together could be acknowledged. Then you’d be able to walk away not feeling broken and able to move on from it. You could remember each other fondly and know someone out there did care and respect you in that window of time you shared.
The reality of the situation when realized is so harsh. So I recommend going thru all the stages of shock, anger, depression and grief over this to hopefully help you. Then you will make your boundaries stronger so no one penetrates and treats you like that again.
Thank you so much Clarece.You are so right.I know deep down that what occurred wasn’t normal at all. I don’t think I would have come across HGs blog otherwise or believed it.
It hurts but so does the denial.
Kiki I have days where I wish I still believed the lie too. Some days it would be easier just to pretend. My jealousy of the other women isn’t their relationship with him. Its that they get to believe the lie. I think those of us that seek the truth rather than ignoring it are the ones that know we deserve better. I don’t want him to take that last small scrap of pride and self confidence that I have been keeping safe and hidden from him. He’s taken so much from me already, I won’t give him the rest. It’s with those scraps that we build ourselves back up to who we once were.
Blank
Good Luck to you as well x
Yes, we know what we are dealing with. HG (and this site) is helping me with education on the Narcissist and also the journey of self-healing.
I have a question..HG,in general,do the Narcs keep all their sources’ msgs / photos after the relationship has ended,or it also depends on the school and whether it was a discard or an escape? Just thinking whether you can get fuel as well from rereading them thus keep them,or not? Haven’t seen anybody asking this in the threads ..
Depends on the school. Thought fuel can arise, yes.
Just to check my current NarcAcademy progress 😀
Suppose that a Lesser would erase them out of anger if escape or in the case of discard not seeing the benefit from keeping them – having another source in place. Mid-range would probably keep them to be able to do pity plays later or manipulate the further sources (in this case i really think it depends on the current fuel matrix) and the Greater will most likely keep them since it provides so much space for further manipulations in case they are needed (in both cases, escape/discard). Now I need a grade HG please 😀
HG, are midrangers more likely to keep messages and mail? My Moron still had the letters I’d sent him from 40 years ago. I know because he talked about things in them. Surely he wouldnt have remembered such trivia from so long ago.
Although you’d have thought he had a video of the one time we met (also 40 yrs ago). He even remembered what we were both wearing.
Maybe he jotted down notes in a “potential fuel source” book. Lol! Probably has a shelf full of them!
MMR and UMR are more likely to.
Thank you, HG, for your answer. He’s a MMR.
That’s interesting WS, about Moron saving all of your correspondence. JN always made it a point that he saved nothing from me – texts, emails, pics, etc. He would even go on to say that a reason he never trusted me was because he thought it was “weird” how I saved everything. Then he felt I had his material to reference when I’d throw something in his face.
In actuality, when you’re kept a secret for so long, and then also try to part ways several times, I saved everything as proof I didn’t hallucinate our relationship and how many times in the last 3 years he always reached out first to make contact. If I’m so forgettable that you don’t want to keep anything from me, how is it I consistently hear from you?
The effect it had on me was always feeling he had multiple sources for messaging, pictures or whatever and that’s why nothing was worth saving. Very demoralizing.
I learned early on from the Monica Lewinsky blue dress scandal with Bill Clinton – save everything. You never know when you may need it…lol
Clarence
I’ve still got my boxes of printouts of every text and email I exchanged with my Moron. For the same reasons you said, proof of what was said. Doubt I’ll ever look thru them again, though. Definitely want to burn them before I die. No one else needs to have evidence of how stupid I was! Not the legacy I want to leave! Lol!
Oh WS!!! Don’t you dare say you were stupid over Moron again. Moron resurfaced because you are a very special person. If someone were to come up on the texts, emails, pictures, etc., shared with JN, sure some may think I was too naive and trusting but they would see at the core of it, I was madly in love and my intentions were good. They would see a Grade A – A**hole who repeatedly took advantage of me. It would only make him look absolutely horrid. I never feel stupid for wanting to be a loving person and have that reciprocated with someone I deeply care or love. Nobody here should ever feel stupid. We are the ones with a full range of emotions to experience.
Thank you, Clarece
Windstorm, maybe he has a scrapbook too like HG.
Trocadero, This might come through twice because I lost the original message but this was a huge issue for me both because of thought fuel and because I did not know what he would do with the messages if he wanted to smear me as he used a fake email and I used my real one. I also felt that the correspondence kept us connected.
He was an MRN and I was IPSS. I escaped and a few months later, I made him come to my flat and delete all of our emails. He did not know what I wanted until he arrived. I did not tell him because he would say he had done it but not done it. When I told him what I wanted – as soon as he walked in the door – he said he did not keep our emails. I said search on my email and let’s see what comes up. Thousands of emails came up. I made him delete all of them and empty the trash while I watched. He did it on my computer.
So yes, it is a risk. If nothing else, it kept me unsettled and tied to him. Luckily, I did it when I did because he then moved. I still have all of the emails but I do not look at them. He sent pictures. I did not. I have his pictures just in case. It is just another check on his control.
Smh
Wait I’m confused what do you mean just in case? You are single right? Has he threatened you ? Ans what would he threaten if you are single ?
Lori, No he did not threaten to ‘out’ me because he couldn’t. I am married but separated. Still, he could have used those emails to keep me in check because they could have embarrassed me. Suppose, for instance, that he discovered I was seeing someone else. Suppose he figured out who that was. Suppose he sent them from his fake email to someone at my job etc. I didn’t really have a firm idea of what he would do with them, if anything.
My main issue was that I wanted him completely out of my life and we were still connected as long as he had those emails. There were a few that I would have wanted him to keep but it wasn’t worth going through all 3000 of them (back and forth – both of us) to figure out which ones.
The best thing the can Narc ever did for me was block me in social media. It really has helped
Blank,
I tried to warn his DLS to no avail. She told me I couldn’t understand how much she loved him. I absolutely understood and backed away. Later on a friend of ex exposed him to both th ex AND her.
By that time there was no walking away from the lies. Basically they won’t hear until they are ready and that’s out of your hands. Best to work on staying away and healing.
For the record you help a lot on here. Reading all these comments has gotten me through a lot of moments and I appreciate that.
Everyone would like to think that they would want to know if they were in the others shoes, but that is not always the case when you get right down to it. How many here have been warned themselves, ignored the red flags of infidelity, or would have listened if an ex or lover tried to tell them when they were still involved? There are many examples here of telling the new supply failing. People like to think they are being considerate of the IPPS but if that were really the case where was the concern for her when they were in bed with him? I’m not judging those who have had affairs but challenging the real reason for telling her. Better to point that finger at ourselves.
NA, I was never in bed with him. I once watched a radio show (with webcam) and he told the interviewer that he was single. That’s when I started writing to him. It was only after a couple of months I discovered he had a girlfriend and was living with her. He never told me this. When I asked him he admitted it. I should have backed off then, but I was completely crazy about him. He tried to get me with him, but I never gave in, because of his girlfriend. We only had a 3 year ‘virtual thing’ going on. My concern for her was always there. I told him many times he should be kind and nice to her. I am considerate because I saw her taking him back recently after they split up last year. He only wanted to punish her I guess, because this time it lasted only for a couple of weeks, that’s when he started dating the model. When he gets bored of the model, he will go back to his ex, I’m sure about that.
For me the most important thing about it all is that people are aware of narcissism, whether or not you stay in touch with the narc or even in a relationship. It is about awareness.
I am considerate of his ex because I know now about narcissism. If I had known her personally, I would have told her. She doesn’t know what he is and I sincerely care for her.
NarcAngel
Well I agree I’m glad no one ever told me mine had sex with someone else. But that’s because if they had told me, then I’d have shot mine in the head at 2:00 am with no warning, when he was asleep and then my life would have become very complicated.
If I found out now that he’d cheated on me when we were married (and I only consider full out intercouse cheating), I wouldn’t still shoot him, but I’d certainly cut him off. I don’t think that’s a worry. He knew my plan if I ever heard of infidelity from him, and he’s always had a healthy fear of my gun arm. Lol!
LOL, Windstorm. I’ll bet you are a good shot.
SMH
Ha, ha! Yes I am a good shot. I had intensive training in guns as a child. When I pick up a gun it’s all totally instinctive – no thinking needed. Daddy used to always say, “When you’re in a life or death situation, thinking gets you killed. Shoot first and think later.”
WS
Have you ever heard of Cleaners?
KK
No. Tried googling and seems to b a program about 2 women contract killers. Is that what you meant? I’d have never hired it done. That just doesn’t seem right somehow. Like I couldn’t have handled it myself.
Windstorm, But you’re a girl! 🙂
SMH
Ha, ha! Being a girl has nothing to do with it. Not here at least. 😄
Joking, Windstorm, in response to your comment that you couldn’t have handled it yourself. I know you could!!
WS
Your daddy was right, thinking gets you killed in a life and death situation. Always go with instinct.
K
He was a smart man and had many sayings. One of my favorites was, “Always shoot to kill. Dead men can’t testify against you”.
But he also went on to explain that as a woman, I would always have a strength and knowledge of hand to hand fighting disadvantage. If I tried to be compassionate and shoot in the leg, a man could still power thru the pain and overpower me.
WS
He was correct. Show no compassion and shoot to kill; dead men can’t testify. That is what I was told when I was young.
WS and KK, y’all some hard core bitches! Ha ha.
I’m scared of guns. I’ve never handled them much. I do have my very own .357 revolver. If I were to carry a gun, it would be more likely that a perpetrator would take it from me and kill me with it than for it to protect me. I’m not against guns by a long shot. (See what I did there?) I was just raised to be afraid of my daddy’s gun and never ever touch it. In fact, don’t even look at it! I’m sure it was done to keep us safe. But it fostered a belief that guns are not to be trusted.
MB
Well, all mechanical devices can fail. But a well kept gun is more reliable than many people who let their fears and desires affect their behavior.
Guns are so prevalent in rural Kentucky (basically every house has at least one) that we even teach gun safety in my school to 11-12 year olds to prevent accidental shootings.
As for your .357, my father would tell you that if you ever feel in danger of your life that your greatest advantage is the element of surprise. Never give that up. Stay hidden and shoot from ambush with no warning. Your attacker can’t take the gun from you if he never knew it was there.
MB
I saw what you did there. Thankfully, Boston is a low crime city so I don’t feel the need to own a gun for protection. I don’t have a problem with gun ownership but most of the mass shootings are carried out by unstable individuals and that needs to be addressed.
“If I tried to be compassionate and shoot in the leg, a man could still power thru the pain and overpower me.”
Jesus Windstorm – you had a *different* upbringing.
I’m a bit envious.
WhoCares
It did instill a confidence that I could stand on my own and take care of myself that has helped me all my life. No amount of narc verbal abuse could take away my marksmanship. It was an unarguable fact and highly valued by many here.
That whole statement is simply awesome Windstorm.
Incidentally, during my entanglement I became quite skilled with an axe – my narc is lucky I used that for good only…now I feel empowered to perfect that skill – only in the form of axe throwing this time ’round.
WhoCares
All I can think about is that scene in The Shining: Here’s Johnny!
Lol KK! Well, that certainly is a visual isn’t it? (Here is where I have to admit that I own a copy of The Shining – and I love Jack Nicholson – but I’ve never made it through whole movie…but I do know that scene.)
By the way, in getting good with an axe, I learned that it is less about the strength of the blow but more about the precision, sharpness of the axe and nature of the wood your chopping.
I can also tell what kind of wood someone is burning in their campfire by the smell of the smoke; whether it is birch, poplar, oak or pine.
WhoCares
Oh! You meant chopping wood! I thought you meant ax throwing in your earlier comment!
Chopping wood is hard work! I chopped a tree down once to try my hand at it and it about killed me. I decided a chainsaw was the way to go!
Windstorm – well, I meant chopping yes, but I was also referring to throwing – as in taking it to the next ‘level’ with an axe! So, both.
(Clarification – I did not chop entire trees down myself.)
WhoCares
Have you ever been to a Highland Games? They all have an ax throw competition. You might really enjoy watching. We only have the one in Glasgow, Kentucky but they have both a professional and amateur competition.
When I was a girl I loved to throw a hatchet. I was always better with a hatchet than a knife. It can certainly be therapeutic. 😊
Windstorm,
Yes, I have been to a Highland Games years ago. I don’t think they had axe throwing but I did enjoy watching caber throwing.
As for the therapeutic aspects of hatchet throwing; I’m in agreement.
Tossing the caber is a sight to behold. I regularly attend a Highland Games at Blair Castle in Scotland, the Duke of Atholl has a private army who parade before the games.
“Tossing the caber is a sight to behold.”
Agreed.
So are men in kilts.
Sometimes.
Men in kilts. I bet thats where the term and idea of tossing the caber originated. Always angling for something to do with their wood.
Where is K?
#HGfunfact – He attends Highland Games at Blair Castle in Scotland,
K, something to add to your list of HG stats from when you supplied that to Kiki recently!
Clarece
I am on it!
HG
I completely agree. The caber toss is something hard to believe if you haven’t witnessed it! But I love all the competitions, the music, the traditions – all of the games. My daughter and her family and I wear our tartans and try to go to at least one game per year. Most states seem to have one.
Windstorm,
“But I love all the competitions, the music, the traditions -all the games.”
Agreed. Plus, the pageantry and such…
You mentioned wearing tartans Windstorm; do you have Scottish heritage in your family?
I have a wee bit on my Dad’s side of the family.
WhoCares
I’m sure I have Scotch heritage, but do not know for sure. I got interested by attending our Highland games and set it as a quest to become a member of a Scottish clan. My exhusband’s name is a sept of a lowland clan, but I didn’t like that one.
My son-in-law’s name is a sept of a Highland clan so I chose that one. I bought lifetime memberships for my SIL and daughter and the clan let me in as a part of his family.
So now I am a lifetime, card-carrying clan member (I love telling that to people here in the South and seeing their reactions😮)
I have purchased and/or made kilts, sashes and clan ornaments for all 7 of us, even the babies! We are all proud members of Clan McPherson (not our actual name, of course).
Windstorm,
“So now I am a lifetime, card-carrying clan member (I love telling that to people here in the South and seeing their reactions😮)
I have purchased and/or made kilts, sashes and clan ornaments for all 7 of us, even the babies! ”
You’ve *made* kilts? That’s dedication…
LOL WhoCares. Confront the Klan head on with The Clan. I can visualize it. Great idea.
WhoCares
Well I bought the kilt for my son in law. I made the ones for the then 2 and 4 year old boys – with extra material for them to grow. It’s not that hard to make kilts for preschoolers. For the babies, my daughter and myself, I made tartan sashes and bands for our sun hats (and a dress shawl for the ball!).
It is a pill working with tartan, but sooo much cheaper to buy a few yards to cut and sew than buying ready-made!
Windstorm –
” I made the ones for the then 2 and 4 year old boys – with extra material for them to grow…”
That’s so sweet…you must have infinite patience!
Sewing is not a skill that I have much patience for. I can do it, if hard pressed but the last time I involved sewing in my life was to hand-stitch puppet bodies for a bunch of 7-12 year olds..I was so sorry, I ended up pulling an all-nighter (due to time constraints) to finish them for the kids. My eyes and fingertips were cursing me for my project choice.
Sewing: sooo not my strong point.
It’s not mine either. And I’m not that good at it. I am blessed with being creative though, and can usually come up with what I need with my minimal sewing skills. 😁
Windstorm – you certainly are blessed; so are the little ones in your life, for having you.
My impudence aside; it must also be quite the sight to see the Duke’s private army parade beforehand. The only thing I’ve seen, perhaps remotely similar, is the Royal Canadian Mounted Police musical ride with a Scottish pipe band preceding. I couldn’t help getting very emotional as the horses and riders made their entrance.
Oh goody, now we know where to find you!
Yes, he’ll be the one with the longest kilt and a bubble floating above his head that reads: EVIL
NarcAngel, longest kilt? Ahhhhhh I think I get it 😳
MB
You got it.
I will meet you there MB.
WhoCares
It is all about the precision. That is really cool that you can tell what kind of wood is burning by the smell. If I were your narcissist, I would think twice before messing around with you!
Thank-you K, I think I have mentioned, in some of my earliest posts, that I came away from my entanglement with skills I would never thought I was capable of, lol – thanks to my narc, partly…
WhoCares
My middle son is into ax throwing! Do you all have Highland Games where you live? We have one in Glasgow, Kentucky and he competes there.
That’s so cool Windstorm…I used to live near near some Highland Games, sadly not now…but axe throwing has become a ‘thing’ of late. There is an axe throwing lounge not to far away from where I am – my only hesitation is that it is a bar.
Damn straight WS! You could probably out-shoot those southern narcs blind folded.
WS, so YOU were the IPPS at the gun range!?!
MB
Going to blame it on being brain-dead, but I don’t understand what you mean. “Gun range” was the back yard and gun training was when I was a child, 7-12 years old. After that I practiced alone and only shot with others at family gatherings for fun.
WS
Cleaners come in and make all the evidence disappear. I read your response to SMH. Ha! I knew you would be perfect for security at our metaphorical SpeakEasy.
Windstorm is our ‘Minister For Justice’
Love it! You have my vote.
Thanks Wounded, I think you’re right people will not hear untill they are ready. But I think that if they would know and read about Narcissism, they would most likely ‘hear’ a lot sooner.
I do not have the feeling I am of any help here, but I appreciate you saying so. There are many people here, if not all that contribute and are of help to others. For me, the language gets a bit in the way, there are many comments I don’t ‘get’, but that’s okay I guess. xx
My narc has a fake profile. He uses it to hit on women. He acts like a complete pig to these girls then swoops in on his real profile to be their savior. He blocked me once so I created a fake profile myself to check on what was going on. His fake profile friend requested my fake profile haha. Then he proceeded to hit on the fake girl. I didn’t engage for fear of giving myself away but it was a funny situation. I don’t stalk anymore .I don’t need to because he’s so transparent.
Mercy, I found that very funny. I laughed out loud both at what he does and what you did! I’m going to file it away for future reference. Mine has at least two fake profiles at least. Maybe he uses one fake to be a pig and the other to be the savior. Love it. Perhaps I should create a fake one to see if I can get him to take the bait. Hmmm.
SMH, it was pretty hilarious .Funny part was I found out I’m not made to be sneeky. I could have played along but I was to scared he’d bust me out…plus I needed him on that account to stalk so I didn’t want to get blocked. I still maintain the account but I share it with a couple other girls so they can stalk their cheating husbands. Us girls have to stick together.
Oh the fake profiles mine has 5 or more … the most recent friend request I declined then sent a message asking how do you know me? Guess what ? No response. Yeah I’m pretty sure it’s him
So fucking stupid! I mean really you block me refuse to speak to me then friend me to keep tabs on me?!!’ Hey knucklehead how about you stop acting like a god damn freak and I’ll happily tell you what you wanna know!
Oh yes! Everything on his Facebook page is private except a feature photo with him and her on their skiing trip. Arsehole.
Mine doesn’t use his real social media much because he is pathologically secretive but it is all public because his ‘real’ life takes place through fakery. When he didn’t know I was looking, I could trust that the real social media was pretty authentic. His pictures are mostly of water, the sky and planes, as if he is always dreaming of escape. He has very few ‘followers’ and rarely responds to anyone who comments. In fact, I discovered that he is pretty much the same on social media as he is with me. Quel surprise. Really. I expected to find him barbecuing with the neighbours, cuddling IPPS, goofing off with the kids. Nope, nope, nope.
Once he knew I was looking (I told him post-escape), I lost interest and haven’t looked for months now. I did see that in the rare pics of him and IPPS, they never touch or are hardly even next to each other. She is more active but instead of a couple profile pic, as most of her friends have, hers says ‘hope’ and ‘love.’ Codependent? She does not post any pics of him and never ever mentions him. They never comment on each other’s posts. I find them both pretty strange and their marriage a complete mystery. But I guess they belong together…
Mine only posted highly curated vacation photos as well. never in years have I ever seen any IPSS or females indicated in them. He has a new IPSS now so maybe shes on there, but I dont check because I honestly dont even care. Hes her problem now.
Leigh, good attitude. Don’t check. Mine’s never posted anything with a woman or even any other people other than IPPS (and a few selfies – he’s kind of into selfies considering how few pics of people he posts). But even pics with IPPS are few and always with or by their kids. I read somewhere that narcs are the most ‘separate’ people alive. That is obvious from my MRN’s IG. It’s like he’s somewhere but nowhere.
@SMH So true! Ive only ever seen him in a photo with an IPPS once and thats because his family took the photo and he was tagged in it. Hes had 3 IPPS’s since Ive known him over the years and literally none have ever made a social media debut. Perhaps his newest has but Im not even checking because who really cares anyway, shell wind up like all the rest of us in due time.
Otherwise, its all landscapes of his recent vacations. A couple selfies scattered throughout,and maybe one photo to show real evidence of the 2 friends he claims to have that he sees once a year at a scheduled event. Otherwise his IG show no indication of a person with an active social life outside of his internet hunting grounds, just indications of a very solitary person. And LET ME TELL YOU he loves social media and is the first to post IG stories and photos of his vacations.
All fake all curated, just like their personalities.
Leigh, This is when it dawned on me that something was really and truly wrong with him – because his IG was so, so weird. He came across as fairly normal in real life when we were together – talked a lot, was affectionate and relaxed – it was when we were apart that all the trouble would start. His IG simply presents that trouble in a visual format.
It is ‘normal’ to be with other people but of course if the narc is hunting then he doesn’t want anyone to see that he is ‘with’ other people, especially an IPPS, and of course he is never really with other people anyway…
@Lori @SMH, I definitely agree that there are/were probably multiple accounts going on. I actually just learned recently (after some internet research) that he lied about when and where he received his college education as well. The lies literally are endless. Jesus Thank God I escaped. I would honestly rather be dragged naked behind a dump truck in 120 degree heat on a gravel road than ever deal with this lying fool again.
I would like to think that mine was a lucky escape but HG can perhaps elaborate on what he thinks this is. I called the Narc (mid ranger) out on red flag behavior (a silent treatment while he was engaging with the new IPPS) and said I didnt want that in my life. I immediately went NC, but my narc also went NC. so it was effectively a dis-engagment in his eyes on his end. Can it be both? Because I also was escaping him as well since I told him I wouldn’t allow that behavior?
It all depends on who got there first. If you did, it is escape, if he did, it is dis-engagement (assuming it is a dis-engagement). Even if you escape of course the narcissist may well spin the situation as one where he ended the formal relationship with you.
@Hg thank you!
You cannot go by anything you see on social media. They have many profiles for different purposes and people. Y’all are only seeing the ones they want you to see and if they are married it will be fairly mundane but behind the scenes they are operating many profiles on many platforms. I promise you this is the case.
As far as the wife, it’s very hard to know. Since I have been both an ipss and an ipps I can tell you these guys can suck you right back in with how they have f d up and you are the love of their life blah blah blah and if you are married with children it’s pretty tough to leave as these guys have a habit of making the most independent woman dependent.
Keep in mind what you are seeing on social media is what you are being allowed to see.
Smh – that guy does Facebook I guarantee you. You just don’t know about it. They use different platforms for different victims
Oh I know now, Lori. He has stalked me on three different platforms – the only ones I am on. His ‘real’ social media is public whereas mine is all private. I am sure he has more fake FB profiles so I tightened my privacy settings way up. He knows I am not on IG, so he cannot stalk me on there.
I am pretty sure I have a good take on IPPS as I have talked to her (she did not know it was me) and followed the whole thing for about a year. We are also part of the same broad social circle, so I know lots of people who are like her, even if I do not know her. Yes he sucks her back in. He has done it to me four times now (fourth time I resisted). Last year they were reconciling as he was carrying on with me and going to marital therapy with her. It’s exactly what ChumpLady says happens. IPPS needs these sites but she is deluded. Or maybe she does not care. That part is hard to figure out but I guess his pull and the benefits of a nice life and an intact family outweigh whatever it is that she knows and accepts.
I am still yet to pin down the profile that friended me last week as his but something in my gut says yes a couple of years back during the seduction phase. He sent me a picture of a profile of him on a dating site saying that all of a sudden he started getting all of these emails and acting like someone else set it up alluding to the fact that it may have been the angry previous ipss who. He said was crazy. I realize now that he’s is likely all over dating sites. Unbelievable
I suppose it is possible that the fake profile friend requests aren’t him after all he’s a good looking guy likely all over dating sites and he told me he was “talking” to someone else so why would he bother with me ? On the other hans, I have almost felt him watching and I have literally watched him blocking me and unblocking me on his sometimes within hours sometimes days which tells me if they are consciously going in and unblocking you days later you are still in their head
The behavior is so bizarre. Still doing good with No contact almost broke it the other day but I always go back to what would it accomplish? He well merely take satisfaction in ignoring me so luckily I talked myself out of it
Oh and btw the Narc is on fb , Instagram , twitter, mewe, and LinkedIn I remember that being a huge red flag but he explained it away
You know.. the reason why I can’t get him off my mind I think is, because I know what he’s doing right now, all of the time, with other women. I so feel the need to warn his ex not to take him back (she did twice), to tell his current crush not to let him suck the life out of her. I want to write to women who follow him, to warn them. But I know I can’t do it secretly and I will just look like a revengeful, borderline, stalking fan. I wish these women would know this website, at least his ex would understand what had happened to her. Does anyone know a way how I can bring HG’s Facebook page to her attention (without her knowing it’s me)?
Trust me, i have warned the new victim. It does nothing, except make you look crazy.
Thanks, it’s not so much the new victim, she will not hear me, but his ex, who is confused now and takes him back all the time, she has no clue what he is. I feel so sorry for her.
Blank, After I escaped, I warned the ‘ex’ (IPPS) who took him back. I don’t know if it mattered because I’ve been NC since but from my convo with her, I’d say it’s very unlikely. She probably didn’t even tell him. She was all over the place – gutted, suspicious of my motives, confused, mostly worried that other people knew (facade). He’s obviously done it before.
I told her anonymously but she wanted to know who I was (that is, who the OW or IPSS was). I told her I wouldn’t tell her because he would say ‘she’ was crazy and a stalker even though he is crazy and the stalker! And then the both of them would be stalking ‘her’ online and ‘she’ wanted ‘her’ space back. That is how I left it. She can contact me again if she wants to but she is either in denial or is aware but doesn’t care. At least she now knows to use condoms, I hope!
I did that as well with the same outcome!
Thanks for sharing SMH, I’ve decided that I will not contact anyone (and I bet she doesn’t use condoms, cause he’ll talk her out of it 🙁 )
I am sure she won’t – he talked me out of it, after all (I got checked and am fine), and she would see no reason to because she is in denial that he sleeps around. They have been married for a very long time. Oh well. At least I tried.
SMH, I’m glad you are fine and at least she was warned. When my ex husband cheated (well, the one time I knew for dure he’d cheated), I told him to go have himself checked for STD, especially HIV. He came back and told me the doctor had said that HIV was hardly ever diagnosed with heterosexual people (at least not in the area where we live). I thought that was absolutely rediculous for a doctor to say that, but I guess I took it as possibly true. Later I thought that most likely my ex didn’t go to the doctor at all and made it up.
Blank don’t do it .Emotional thinking is gripping you now .
We all get swamped under when those emotions come up but from an outside perspective please don’t .
Neither will take any notice , even the ex who takes him back , she is deep in denial .You will be blamed as the crazy obsessed ex and I mean this in the kindest way.It will attach you more to him and achieve nothing.Focus on your own healing for now.
Trust me I sometimes think up of things also but when the haze of emotion calms it is never a good move.
Indifference is our goal ,it’s hard so hard I know .Vent here ,write it out just don’t put anything on her Facebook stay away from it .
Big Hugs
Thanks Kiki, you are right, I do need to get a grip on my emotional thinking. I will not get in touch with any of these women, but the thought that maybe one day one of them will commit suicide kills me. One of my ex-husbands ex-girlfriends did jump of a building and I can’t stop thinking that if someone would have told her she dealt with a narcissist, maybe that would have prevented her from jumping. But I know I can’t save the world. If only people would know and understand more about narcissism. Thanks Kiki, big hugs to you too xx
Blank, they will just bond over it . You will be aiding him in pushing those other women deeper into his entanglement. He will give them the attention they crave. He’ll turn on the fake charm that keeps them coming back and theyll have long conversations about your delusions and how much you need help…it’s not worth it. Wait till they come to you. They probably will at some point want answers. Even then they may not be ready for the truth so proceed with caution.
Mercy, these women will not come to me, because they don’t know about me. But your comment helps me to decide not to get in touch, you are right about the bonding and fake charm etc.. Thank you Mercy xx
Mercy
Bingo ! You are exactly right. There was an ipss before me and yes he said she was crazy and honestly I think there was some truth in that however we did bond over it. You are exactly right !
Do not warn the ex. Here’s the part where you have to get real honest with yourself. I think part of us wants to warn them because a small or even large part of us wants them back or at least we don’t want the new person to have them.
If you do this you will look like a total lunatic and it will cause him to treat her better even longer as he will say see in nothing like what she told you.
It’s a bad idea. Don’t do it
Lori, I will not warn anyone. And I am completely honest with myself always. Although I still care for him very much, I do not want him back. He was never mine in the first place. It’s not out of jealousy or anything I want to warn them. But he manipulated and gaslighted me, the mindf*ck was terrible. And the only thing I am concerned about is that he will harm other women also. That’s all. My heart says I need to warn them but my brain says they will not hear me.
Honestly, I don’t think it makes any difference but because it doesn’t make any difference, Blank might as well tell if she feels strongly about it.
Would you want to know if it were you?
But do it anonymously, Blank, because otherwise she will be stalking you too. Honestly, had I met up with her in the street I would have told her everything except my name!!
Make sure your ET is under control too. That is my advice. I have zero regrets about it, my mind is clear now, and I would do it again. I do not wish I had waited because I did not want to be thinking about it anymore.
Lori sorry if I’m jumping in here . I 100% agree that if you’re honest with yourself you will probably see that you want to tell because 1. you want the narc back or 2. You want revenge. I know this from experience. But there was one girl that got caught by him. Her disengagement was so horrible and ugly. I watched it. I was in disbelief that she kept coming back for more believing his lies. I hated her because she wouldnt go away. She hated me because he triangulated me with her (I was the good one, she was the bad one). I never told her the truth. I never helped her. She’ been gone for about 8 months and my heart breaks for what she endured. There have been times when I’ve wanted to reach out and tell her she was never crazy and tell her all the things he lied to her about. And other times I’ve wanted to talk to her because I need her. She’s the only one who knows and I feel like we could help each other.
The sensible side of me knows that reaching out may help in the moment and I would feel less guilty for keeping his secrets, hell we may even like each other…but I know how we are with the narc. I have a feeling she would use it against me to gain favor with him. So I don’t reach out but in my heart I know I’ll have my day to explain everything.
Blank
Are you being totally honest with yoursel? I ask this because you know doing that won’t save him from harming other women. It might merely keep those 2 from being together. He will go on to the next and the next and the next and honestly it’s not your job to save anyone. These are adults that engaging in a consensual relationship. I promise you if your predescessor would have told you you wouldn’t have believed her. You would have thought she was just jealous and she was.
I always hear this from people new to recovery that they want to save the next person but in reality I have found more times than it’s about revenge because you are and angry and with good reason. Who wants to see them go on and look happy with someone else and know that the new person is enjoying the seduction you enjoyed Hell no no one want to think about that nope we want them in misery with no one
What is wrong with revenge? Just do it the right way, is all. Protect yourself and don’t take the risk of it backfiring. Make sure you are clear of the relationship with your ET under control. Make sure you are not too invested in the outcome. Then just do it.
SMH
No I wouldn’t want to know because I would not have believed them and then when it all came to pass I would feel even worse having known someone told me and I didn’t heed the warning.
Imo it serves no purpose because saving her just means he goes to the next it’s an exercise in futility and really I think people only do this out of pain. The therapist talked to me about this and honestly it’s also a boundary thing. This is the whole thing with Narc relationships is that all the boundaries get blurred. This is where some Codepebdent behaviors come into play. We are only responsible for ourselves. It’s not our job to save anyone. We do.not even have a clinicak diagnosis that they are a narcissist. As long as that new person isn’t harming me it’s not my business. I remember the therapist distinctly talking to me about this and telling that I am only responsible for me and to stop focusing on them and that’s something we tend to do when something is so painful we just don’t want to deal with it and focus outside ourselves
Ha, funny Lori, because my therapist told me to do it, long before I did. I didn’t do it the way that I had planned but I told narc that I had written IPPS a letter and almost mailed it. He had no reaction at all. I had also warned him before then because we are part of the same social circle and I told people about him long before I knew he was married. Do not get me wrong: later on I was not the least bit angry at being IPSS. That is what I wanted. I was furious at his behavior starting with the lies that enmeshed me in his web.
Had he just left me alone when I escaped, none of this would have happened because things were calm and fine at that point. But he would not leave me alone and I needed to be done with him. My boundaries were indeed involved and he kept crossing them.
Indeed, six months previously I had been so desperate to get out of that relationship that I was going to tell IPPS to keep him on a fucking leash because he is a predator. Did he leave me alone? No, he stalked me.
Anyway, I know I did the right thing for me. It is off my chest in case I have any morals left :-). She has been warned. He has been checked. My head and physical space are mine again. I don’t give two shits about the outcome.
And telling IPPS was not even the main event. That was making him delete all of our electronic correspondence while I watched because he used a fake email and I used a real one and I did not want to be in a position where he could smear me. That was the one thing I absolutely had to do and I did it – I stood over him while he did it on my computer (no risk of a cache). Telling IPPS after that was just my form of closure. Slamming the lid down. I did not send her the pictures of her husband’s cock, however, or the screenshot of him contacting me on a dating site, or any other evidence. I was not out to embarrass him. I was out to stop him and get her to open her eyes.
So what if he finds someone else? It is not my problem anymore. I told him to find someone else – that I didn’t respect him but it was not my life. IPPS, IPSS, who cares. I shifted the burden of him onto her.
Each person has to decide if it is right for them and their situation. I am even more convinced now that I did the right thing for me and for her. The responsibility is his, not mine.
Lori, like I said, I am always honest with myself. I always look for the truth, also within myself. What’s the point of fooling yourself? Or fooling people here that do not even know who I am? I fell deeply in love with the narc, but I always knew I could never have him (as in a real relationship) because he was too young anyway and when I found out he was in a relationship I knew that was it. But we kept writing and he started playing games and gaslighting me. He wants me to stay, to love and adore him and I could do just that, if he wouldn’t hurt me. But that’s what he does and therefor I had to protect myself and end it.
His girlfriend and he split up last year, but that had nothing to do with me. I never had him, so I can not have him back. In a normal situation I would be very happy if he would go back to his ex girlfriend, they are a good couple together (from the outside, a.i. interests, background, everything). He knows her since highschool. But he’s a narc, he had to look elsewhere after a couple of years and I know he is always looking around and secretly involved with other women. Like all narcs do, for fuel. Still, in the end, I believe they might be together again.
Of course, I am in pain, I loved him to the moon and back, I wanted him so bad (my god he is so good looking), but I always knew I could never have him. The only thing I want is for him to be happy and not hurting other women. Revenge is definitely not a subject at all for me. I can be really angry with someone, but my mind always resets to the love-mode. That is how my brain is wired, that is why I still love the narcs in my life.
I told both narcs (ex-husband and last narc) they are narcissists and both admitted it. And both got really angry with me after that (which I thought was really weird, since they admitted it themselves), but their anger was only temporary. We are fine now.
Narcissism is a disorder, that’s how I see it. It would be nice if the women who “my” narcs are involved with now would know about NPD too. But I will not be the one telling them.
Smh
I’m shocked a therapist told you to do that. Usually they are trying to deesclate the situation to get your emotions under control. After while mine I had 2 psychiatrist and therapist team wouldn’t really let me discuss him anymore. Every time I did they’d say Lori we know he’s likely a Narcissist but we are here to talk about you. He does not matter anymore. I also remember them saying to disengage because they can be dangerous people
Having wen thru this twice now I think you really win when you just don’t give a rats ass neither positive or negative. When they see you truly see that they are not able to elicit reactions anymore because you just don’t care that’s the ultimate dagger to their heart. They can sense when real indifference has come
Lori, I sure don’t give a rats ass now! I had an affair once before. I didn’t out the guy, also when I was single a long time ago. He treated me well and he didn’t dick around with other women. I am not by nature vindictive.
As for my therapist, well, I guess she has a moral compass and felt that if it was what I wanted and needed to do, then I should do it. She even read the letter that I wrote but never sent. She said it was measured and that IPPS would recognize her husband from it. It had a ton of evidence – dates, places, names, m.o.
Once I told IPPS, in a completely different way and anonymously, my therapist and I discussed it because then I had a handle on IPPS after we emailed for a week.
Part of this time we were in the FR, plus he hoovered all the time, so I was, in effect, still in a relationship with narc. As I said, had he just left me alone post escape none of this would have happened.
I have zero regrets because I did it for me – whether it was to warn IPPS, get back at him, give myself some closure since he wouldn’t, get rid of him, doesn’t matter. I. DO. NOT. GIVE. TWO. SHITS. or a rats ass. I did not go back after my escape, as hellish as that whole period was. I stood my ground. I made him delete our correspondence and I told IPPS. I warned him. He didn’t listen. Maybe I’ll send her the cock pictures and the screen shots after all. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. Whether it matters to him or not, matters not to me.
Smh
Just be careful these guys never forget anything and they are patient as hell. They will wait years and years to get you back.
It’s just not worth it.
Lori, I don’t think he will try to get me back. We are in different countries now and I showed him a side of myself that he had never seen, though I had warned him. I think he miscalculated and has blind spots (MRN).
Blank
Send an anonymous letter in the mail directing her to the site/FB.
I only did two things told her sister she needed to educate herself on what a sociopathic narcissist was and sent my first copy of HGs book Fuel anyomously to her at her work. It was her choice if she stayed or left, she was given information to make a choice based on facts. The note I wrote was
This is what he needs.
I am not sure if they are still together or not, just know he “contacts” me every couple of months
This is the worst one.
I don’t actually mean about a particular situation involving jealousy or cyber spying, I just mean because the further things it implies.
Just out of curiosity, the narc I was involved in hasn’t changed his profile pic for quite awhile. Mind you he’s in the desert with a camel on holiday but still.
This was one of the reasons I was mildly confused. I’m sure I didn’t see everything about relationship posts which can be hidden of course.
That is the beauty of No Contact. You have no idea what they are posting so it doesn’t bother you. I did break that part of No Contact a few times until I realized it made my emotional thinking go haywire. My ex also hoovered me through social media as well.
That is very wise of you Broken Rainbow. I didn’t look for a few days now, but I just know that one day I will look again. Don’t ask me why. I am an addict.
Blank
I understand. I really do. I am still very addicted to my ex and it is driving me nuts. I am starting to understand why no contact is essential. It truly gives you a chance to breathe and have some solitude. You will get there Blank. We will both get through this journey of self-love and healing. The old saying one day at a time. Sure I do that but there are times where it is a minute at a time and that is ok!!
Thank you for your kind words Broken Rainbow. You are absolutely right, NC is essential. We are only hurting ourselves if we stay attached. The most important thing though, is that we know what we are dealing with, thanks to this website. I hope for all of us we can stay out for good. Good luck BR! xx
Y’all will all make it. It just takes time and taking an active role in trying to get better which means trying your very best to stay away from them. You will likely fail at this many times until you are able to go longer and longer without contact and then one day you wake up and realize it’s been a long time and you feel indifferent to them now but this only happens if you are trying. If you don’t try, you remain on the hamster wheel. The longer you go without contact the clearer and more objective you begin to see things