The 5 Reasons The Narcissist Devalues You
You will be familiar with the fact that one day you are cock of the walk and the next day you are a feather duster. You are atop the pedestal and in a flash you have been thrown from it and you are lying in the dust as we stand over you berating you. The sudden switch from hero to zero, from princess to pauper, from “good person” to “bad person” is perhaps the most confusing, bewildering and upsetting part of our behaviour. People cannot comprehend why they were being feted as the love of our life on Monday and then by Tuesday they are the devil incarnate. It is something which causes (and of course we want this) victims of our nefarious behaviour to cling to us in order to get an answer, to receive an explanation and some kind of reasoning which will allow them to make sense of what has happened. They are unlikely to accept it, the emotional hold of the seduction and the golden period prevents acceptance of this sudden fall from grace for a very long time, but if you are able to understand why it happened, you are able to move yourself forward with greater speed than you would otherwise. Our reasons may appear illogical to you based on your world view but at least you have some reasons and that is more than you would usually ever receive from our kind as we plough on with your devaluation offering no cogent or realistic explanation for this sudden switch. I am not explaining why we devalue you (fuel, control, reinforcement of our need for superiority and self-worth). I am explaining what is it that makes us love you then hate you in the blink of an eye. What causes this sudden change, this 180-degree swing, this volte face, this switch? You will be given no answer or if you are they will not be anything to do with the real reason why we suddenly idealise you then devalue you. These false reasons are wheeled out to make you remain all the more, pursuing an elusive point as we continue to drain you of negative fuel until we decide you are to be disengaged from. Thus, here are the five reasons that are the triggers for the devaluation.
- Stale
The fundamental reason for seducing you is to gather your potent and positive fuel. In the beginning and for some time afterwards we are invigorated by this precious fuel that you supply to us. We are reliant on it, we want and need it and we marvel at the fuel you provide us. This may last months or it may even last years dependent on our demands and your ability to fulfil them. Your complacency however causes the fuel to become stale to us. You may not regard yourself as having done anything wrong. We understand that according to your view of how a healthy and mature relationship should progress that after a dizzying, honeymoon period the relationship moves to a deep-seated position where that initial buzz of excitement has faded to be replaced by something long-lasting, substantial and fulfilling. Should you appreciate your relationship with us with this mind set, it results in us seeing you as complacent. You may regard it as a natural and understandable, indeed potentially necessary progression. We do not. Your failure to admire us in the way you once did (or at least the manifestation of this admiration), your demonstration of love, adoration and such like becomes lessened. You may not think that you love us any less but it is the way that appears to us that matters. This change manifests as complacency to us and it makes your fuel become stale, less potent and this in turn threatens to weaken us. In order to defend ourselves we must immediately switch to the devaluation and extract the negative fuel from you which will power us to the extent we want and demand.
- Disobedience
Our sense of entitlement, inability to recognise and respect boundaries and huge need for control means that we have to have you do what we want. This control arises through the application of the incentive, the carrot approach, when we have seduced you and the golden period is in play. Through the application of wonderful and loving behaviour we cause you to do what we want by providing fuel and carrying out our wishes. We have delighted you and you want to please us in return. We provide you with the love you desire and you respond by complying with our requirements. When you stop submitting to this benign control then we will switch and commence the devaluation. You may, when viewed objectively by others, be correct in not doing what we want, taking an alternative course of action and doing something else but to us that is irrelevant. You are challenging our control and this cannot be countenanced. In order to stamp out this uprising before it gains traction and undermines our careful operation that has been constructed to control you and gain fuel from you, we must tighten our control, remove the dissent and increase our grip on you. This is when the devaluation begins. We move from benign dictator to malign tyrant.
- See Through
If we apprehend that you are working us out. If we perceive that you have been influenced by another source and you are joining the dots. If we gauge that you are beginning to realise what we are and what we are doing, then we must strike first in order to shock and awe you into submission once more and dispel your fabrications. You may well be right but we are not going to accept you being right. We will switch to the devaluation in order to unleash all those manipulations which will confuse you, drain you and most of all make out that it is all your fault. We have done nothing wrong other than love you with a perfect love and instead you have brought this on yourself through your lies about what we are and your treachery. We cannot allow you to unmask us and therefore we will assault you with a frenzied devaluation which gives you no option other than to try and defend yourself so you lose sight of your goal of seeing through us. We will make you feel guilty, cruel and heartless in the hope of tapping into your empathic traits so you stop what you have been doing and concentrate on putting things right between us, mending the relationship and showing that you care. The commencement of the devaluation when you are uncovering what we are is a massive distraction exercise designed to protect us and harm you.
- The Hoover Opportunity
This is not a hoover against you. Instead it is the opportunity which suddenly arises to hoover a predecessor. This person may have been dis-engaged from and moved away from our sphere of influence or they have escaped and done likewise, but now something has happened whereby they have come back into our sphere of influence. The promise of that sweet and powerful hoover fuel will outweigh the positive fuel that you are currently providing us with. The prospect of getting this hoover fuel means that we want to focus our attention on the predecessor and hoover them. We will not get shot of you, not yet, because that will leave us in in-between primary sources of fuel. Instead, we commence the hoover to seduce again your predecessor and thus because they have appeared on the horizon they make you look like the less desirable option. This causes us to question why we are with you, to regard you as a mistake and therefore we switch to devaluing you as we begin the seduction of them once again. Should the hoover fail, expect the golden period to be reinstated for you, with another sudden switch. Should it succeed and we begin to tie the predecessor back to us once more with the hoover fuel beginning to flow, you can expect the devaluation to worsen as you hurtle towards being dis-engaged from.
A sudden switch to devaluation may indeed herald the fact that a predecessor has appeared on our radar and we are hoovering that person at your expense.
- Total Control
You are aware that we want to control you. This is fundamental to the dynamic between us. Yet, as a further example of the double standards that we engage in we want to control you and if you disobey us we will commence your devaluation but furthermore if we believe we have obtained total control over you then we will similarly commence your devaluation because we know that you will do anything that we want and we will just use you to validate ourselves in the event that other, more exciting prospects do not fuel us during the course of the day. You become relegated to the reliable and dependable, because you are actually doing precisely what we want, but through our warped logic, this equates to you no longer being special. Thus we need to make you special to us once again and we do this through devaluation. We will not cast you aside when we have achieved total control, not at all. This state of affairs brings with it considerable benefits but they will now be channelled through the filter of devaluation and not idealisation. It is symptomatic of the bizarre (when judged from your perspective) logic we apply that when you finally do the very thing we want, we turn against you and begin your devaluation.
How do you deal with all of this? The short answer is you cannot. Any of these five reasons may suddenly apply without warning and your devaluation starts. You cannot avoid it and you could not avoid it. You did nothing wrong, but you did everything wrong from our world view. There is nothing you can do to avoid this happening, because once the trigger happens, the devaluation will follow. The thing you can draw the greatest solace from however is that in knowing this is how we are, in knowing that there was nothing you can do or you could have done to have changed the outcome, you at least now have this knowledge and through it you can attain freedom from the doubt, uncertainty and sheer bewilderment of wondering why it happened.
70 thoughts on “The 5 Reasons The Narcissist Devalues You”
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Dearest MB,
I luv it when people laugh …. makes me happy knowing you’re happy!
“Coward” is other name for it. Heaven forbid …. I would never insult cats or females bajingoes 🤣
Luv Bubbles xx
HG – Does the application of manipulations (ie. triangulation, gaslighting, circular arguments, etc.) always denote you are in devaluation? Or are these techniques used by way of furthering the aim of control throughout the golden periods/seduction?
I understand that character assassination, infidelity etc would be used in devaluation, but some of the techniques are subtle…I find it confusing.
Thank you.
You can be triangulated in a positive manner, e.g. “You are so considerate, not like my psycho ex who didn’t give a damn about me.” Of course you would not realise you are being triangulated. There are forms of manipulation which are applied during seduction – the telling of lies, ostracisation from influences we regard as threats, subtle pity plays (“I know we saw each other last night but I’m at a loose end because a friend let me down and I immediately wanted to see you again, please say you will see me tonight.” and others besides. Naturally they do not manifest as unpleasant unlike many which do manifest that way (but not all) during devaluation.
Thank you. I wonder if I’ve been viewing this wrong – perhaps what I thought of as my “seduction period” was not that. I viewed it as the start of the relationship. Perhaps he viewed it as me responding to a hoover (that the early adult interactions many years before already had me established to him as an intimate partner). That would explain why I got corrective devaluations and mind games from the very start. If so, I very well could be viewed to him as a former IPPS.
Do you agree HG?
At what age do those delineations in fuel matrix take place in your mind? Teenage years? Early twenties?
I would need more information with regard to the dynamic and how it unfolded so I can answer accurately and that comes within the ambit of consultation.
With regard to delineations, do you mean between primary, secondary and tertiary sources? If so, this is not a conscious decision but rather a form of classification to enable you to better understand that different dynamics and different considerations apply to different people dependent on their place in the fuel matrix.
Yes, I agree regarding consultation thank you.
RE: age, appliances, and fuel matrix – I’m wondering if someone you knew early in life, before the NPD was fully formed and you fully developed your craft, would have a known “place” in the fuel matrix to you, or if that would need to be re-established if encountering them at a later time.
They would have a place yes, I would not have known it at the time.
Oh HG, thank you! A light bulb just went on with this article. I am at #5 Total Control. He knows that I will do anything he wants. He has applied CDs in the past and I apologized every time and was painted white again. He took away pet names, doesn’t bother to kiss me goodbye anymore, and recently removed me as a fan on one of his sites. It appears my MLV Narc is trying to goad me into negative fuel this way, Am I right on that point? However, given your expert tutelage, I have not responded to these efforts on his part and never mentioned they hurt me. Every time I do encounter him, I give him nothing but positive fuel, appearing not to notice his slights. Knowing these devaluation techniques has really helped me realize I have done nothing wrong and could have done nothing to avoid it happening.
You are welcome.
HG, I thought the total control only applied to primary sources as a narc wants compliance from secondary ones, which will usually mean total control by the narc over the secondary source. Could you please elaborate on whether total control over the secondary source would result in devaluation? The reason I am asking is because if I remember corrrectly Geyserempath is a shelf IPSS. Thank you!
We have to control our environment and everything in it.
HG, you wrote, “It all depends on your position in the fuel matrix and whether you are painted black or white.” So if the secondary source is painted white, then, if I recall correctly from your writings, the narc wants positive fuel. Is this right?
Yes, if the narcissist chooses to engage with the secondary source, he or she may remain on the shelf.
I appreciate your response, HG!
what happens when you give only positive fuel?
I was doing that despite some devaluation taking place. I am seeing the narc is now escalating. He is applying harder things. I need to run. This is dangerous. Would love to learn what has happened in your case?
It all depends on your position in the fuel matrix and whether you are painted black or white.
Thank you Mr. HG. I will read more about the fuel matrix.
Good writing.
Thank you for this HG.
It’s good to have it in black and white, to be able to read it as needed to settle the next wave of “but what if I’d just done….or said…” thoughts that come.
It brings a certain closure to us, the Trampled.
It’s worth saying again: you are a treasure.
Pleasure, little treasure.
X
HG, you wrote under Total Control:
“Thus we need to make you special to us once again and we do this through devaluation. We will not cast you aside when we have achieved total control, not at all. This state of affairs brings with it considerable benefits but they will now be channelled through the filter of devaluation and not idealisation.”
Can you expand/give an example of how our Narcs make us special to them again and what kind of benefits to you are channelled through devaluation?
You absolutely ROCK and every consult has been worth it!
GE x
Through the provision of negative fuel, which is potent and replaces the stale positive fuel.
Insatiable Learner – thank you for remembering that and asking the question! ♥
HG, thank you for answering!
HG, I’m curious to know that as a greater how quickly do you detect your kind if you come across one and how do you deal with them?
Fairly quickly dependent on the school. How do I deal with them? To my advantage, naturally.
So he WANTS me to respond negatively…ha ha ha…not giving him the satisfaction! Thanks, HG
Have you ever hone for a SPECT brain scan or something similar? I’m curious if there is a recognisable brain activity pattern that could be identified in your self and other destructive thought schemas. Do you remember having any different schemas or are these the only ones you remember having? I’m asking for serious here. What about micronutrients, e.g. high copper, low zinc, high cadmium, low iron, low vitamin D, low B complex etc.? Physiology affects psychology and vice versa.
HG, have you considered leaving your brain to science? What are your thoughts/beliefs about this? Would that be the ultimate loss of control?
I will need it thank you very much.
You will need your brain after you die?
Correct.
As ever, I am intrigued by you. I want to know what this means? Pleeeeeaaassse Sir.
HG will be reincarnated as the empath’s intuition.
HG, I think we need to talk. It’s been too long.
HG
1. is there any victim that escaped and went total no contact and didn’t fall for your hoovers and didn’t get back?
2. is there any victim that escaped but you hoovered her back into the relationship? What was next? Did she escape one more time ot did you discard her?
1. No.
2. No, I am nomadic.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Are you nomadic because of your profession or are you just restless
Thank you kindly
Bubbles
Restless.
#metoo
Restless that is, #metoo
Hope you overcome your restlessness soon, MB.
S, I’ve always been restless, my whole life. I get bored with routine. I want new and exciting!
Aha, there are two meanings for restlessness, either anxious or bored. I thought that you are anxious.
If you meant bored, then we all do.
S, I am anxious. I take medication or else I would’ve run away by now instead of just daydreaming. 🌴
But I do get bored when things are routine for too long.
♥️MB♥️
Gosh! Hope you become restful soon.
Dear Mr Tudor,
1) Very Interesting! Thank you
The weasel was extremely restless … always up and down like a yoyo, couldn’t sit still and his brain was always tick tick ticking. He was never in “relax” mode. On the go … all the time. When he was sitting, he’d have to be doing something with his hands like writing or checking his phone
Matrinarc always kept busy as well …. sewing, gardening, cooking, writing journals, reorganising her cupboards
I can see her frustration with ageing
The greater I know keeps very busy (sends us piccies every weekend of where they are and big noting)
I’m observing a pattern here
Mr Bubbles and I are sheer exhausted thinking about it … we stop and smell the roses as well as the fine aroma of a quality red …. haha
2) Luv this article … explains heaps
I called the weasel out… I was disobedient, saw thru him and took control ….. he then put me in deval mode because he couldn’t handle it … I was stronger than him … what a weak pussy and gutless wonder …. and he called himself a man!
All of them …. my dad, my step dads, my brother, my uncle, my mum, the weasel ….. they couldnt handle the truth …. or ME
Luv Bubbles xx
Ha ha. Bubbles said pussy. That made me giggle. Thank you!
MB
You made me giggle I am restless to, I have developed ways to be constructive with mine.
Twilight, how do you make your restlessness productive? It kills my productivity. I spend my time daydreaming and fantasizing about all the ways I can run away. All the exciting places I want to go and people I want to meet. I must be a nomad that is made to be caged against her will. I think that’s the source of my restlessness.
are there people in your life that you are fond of? Not simply finding use for them as appliances, but people whose company is simply enjoyable? I’m curious: as long as the fuel supply is fulfilled, are there people you keep around just because you like them? I don’t doubt that if there was a disagreement, or if they crossed you, or tried to challenge you, you would disengage or devalue pretty quickly.
Indeed.
ha, that is what I did, I challenged and confronted. Discard took place that or the next day!
Are they narcissists or empaths usually or either? Or neither?
With regard to what, Nunya? I don’t see the previous comment you are referring to in my moderation pane and therefore I don’t know what you are referring to.
The one straight above, I’d clicked “reply” on the one where you said “Indeed” in response to “Becoming observant” question about people you keep around in a simply friendly manner. I was wondering because when I encounter narcissists it usually does not go well for me.
It would be easier if you could ask the specific question with sufficient information to enable me to answer it, thank you.
Nunya
HG does not see the thread as we do when moderating. That is why he has requested you (and many before you) to repeat the question instead of referring to it.
Correct. I’m not being obstructive but if you write “Why is that” under another comment, when it appears in moderation all I see is your comment “Why is that”. I do not see the one you are referring to and therefore I do not know what you are referring to. Furthermore, I of course have many comments a day to moderate so I am not able to follow the thread through memory.
I find confusion sometimes even in the order of responses amongst the commenters. It has on occasion caused misunderstanding. That is why I put the name of the person whose post I am referring to, or no name if it is just a general thought, to help with the flow.
Clarification for question to HG-
Becoming observant:
“are there people in your life that you are fond of? Not simply finding use for them as appliances, but people whose company is simply enjoyable? I’m curious: as long as the fuel supply is fulfilled, are there people you keep around just because you like them? I don’t doubt that if there was a disagreement, or if they crossed you, or tried to challenge you, you would disengage or devalue pretty quickly.”
HG:
“Indeed”
Myself:
“Are they narcissists or empaths usually or either? Or neither?”
And thanks MB for the associated story.
They are both. Thank you for providing the detail.
Nunya, you are welcome. Sounds like those guys get along well and have some good times.
Becoming, there is a thread on here somewhere that HG tells about the time he enjoys spending with his friend that has aspergers and doesn’t like to be touched or hear the phone ringing and how he enjoys verbal sparring with him and teasing him. I thought it was heartwarming. If KK has time, she might be able to conjure it up.
MB
Here it is!
malignnarc
MARCH 18, 2016 AT 23:45
He hates shaking hands, loves our verbal sparring, devours my writing and always enjoy our interactions. He does not have many friends despite being an interesting, intelligent and engaging chap. He doesn’t like using the telephone (if someone rings him, he has to choose to ring someone and then he is fine) so when I am there I always ring his landline which makes him curse, much to my amusement.
https://narcsite.com/2015/10/01/personal-jesus/#comments
K This “bro” scene makes my heart happy. Thank you for finding it.
You are welcome MB
I smiled when I read it.