Five Hatreds of The Narcissist
The loss of our precious fuel weakens us. Criticism, when delivered in an emotion-free fashion wounds us and we need fuel to recover from such injurious criticism. If that fuel is not available or is reduced then we are placed in a perilous state which causes panic,chaos and a frenzied reaction to avoid this. Many things may send us to this place, a place which I call The Precipice. Here are five things we hate as they will start the slide towards The Precipice.
- Not Being Invited
Our massive sense of entitlement means that we should always be invited to events. Whether it is a birthday, retirement party, wedding or graduation we should be invited to attend. How can the host not want us there? We are the star of the show, the main attraction, the reason to be there. People are not there for the birthday boy, they want to see us. They are not really bothered about the happy couple, they prefer to be entertained by us and our tales of achievement or for us to exhibit our superlative dance steps during the reception. An event is not an event without us in attendance. We are the archetypal life and soul of the party. Fireworks fly when we appear, stardust is thrown liberally around and we turn the volume up to eleven. We cannot comprehend why we should not be invited when we bring so much to the party. This deprives us of a huge opportunity to extract fuel from so many people when emotion will be electrifying the air. It is akin to shooting a fish in the barrel and we have not been invited. This not only takes away a golden chance to consume fuel but it also suggests that we are not wanted, that somehow we do not pass muster to attend this event. That is nonsensical and as such is a massive criticism to us. How dare they not invite us? It is our right to be there. That is our audience, our crown, our delighted guests, not somebody else’s. We hate not being invited. So that’s why we will turn up anyway and act as if we were first on the guest list.
- Coming Second
We are born winners, pioneers, leaders and champions. Number one is all that matters. That is where the adoration is directed. That is why the winner’s podium is higher than the other two. That is why the winner gets the jackpot, the applause, the admiration and the plaudits. They all belong to us. We are destined to win and being the champion is our rightful place. Nobody wants silver. Who wants to be the runner-up? That means failure. That means somebody else has bettered you. That means someone else is going to get all the attention. Second is pointless. Second is redundant. I don’t want commiseration and empty praise for having come so close, I want to win. If I am second then I am regarded as inferior, not of the elevated state I know I am but that I need others to accept and reinforce. Coming second encapsulates all that is associated with the outcome which makes you who you are and is not something that should ever be rightfully associated with me. I hate to come second. I want to win. At everything and all the time, from being first in the queue, first to be served, the biggest biller, the biggest seller, the one with the best car, the one people always greet first, the one who wins the argument and I will do all of this at any cost to you and in any twisted and convoluted way which avoids the horror of being second.
- The Spotlight Shining Elsewhere
Why are you listening to him and not me? He is an idiot and he knows nothing. Listen to me. I am far more interesting. Anything he has done I have done already and then some more as well. He has a forehead? Yes well have you seen my five head? Don’t pay attention to other people, pay attention to me. The spotlight has to be on me all the time. I live my life as if I am starring in a movie with my personal soundtrack echoing in my ears as I move through my day. From the moment I rise from my bed all eyes need to be on me, watching me, admiring me and giving me attention. No matter what I am doing it needs to be seen by someone and the more people the better as their viewing is accompanied by their praise, admiration, hatred or anger. It does not matter what the emotion is that accompanies their attention so long as it is on me. Send that attention elsewhere and I am being told I am not important and even worse, someone else is more important than me. That is not right. That cannot be the case. How can you think that that person is more entertaining, better looking, more captivating than me? Train the spotlight elsewhere and you are telling me I am not good enough and I know I am. Aren’t I?
- Not Given Recognition
My arrival anywhere should be accompanied by a fanfare. I should be announced wherever I go. People should bow in acceptance of my greatness, kow-tow to my gravitas, salute, kiss my hand, go down on their knees and do whatever else is required to exhibit subservience to me. I must be given due accord because do you know who I am? I must always be mentioned in dispatches. I must always be referred to during a meeting. I must be pointed out, identified and highlighted in keeping with my superior status. I cannot stand it when I am not given my right to be recognised. I have that as a God-given right and you had better comply with your obligation to recognise me and all my amazing achievements.
- Being Alone For Too Long
People often think that my kind hate to be alone. That is not quite accurate. We can be content to be alone for a period of time when we are receiving significant fuel. There is always room, of course, for more fuel, but when we have received copious amounts then we are content to be left alone so we can revel in our own manufactured glory and turn our mind to our next conquest. This alone time allows us to plot, scheme and plan. When I mean alone, I mean away from people physically but also not in contact with them through technology. Complete isolation. If we have taken on board enough fuel we can endure it for a time. Therein lies the important part. For a time.
If we are left alone for too long and the effect of the fuel diminishes then we become restless, then anxious and then thrown into the panic as we edge towards The Precipice. Being left alone for too long means that people must not be interested in us anymore otherwise why are we alone? They do not want to contact us, interact with us, pour their praise towards us, make us feel wanted, hated, loved or adored. Their interest must be elsewhere if we have been left alone for too long and this is not something we can stand. We are being ignored, ostracised and excluded. We need people. We need attention. We need you. Please. Did you hear me? I said we need you. Open the door and let me out now. I need attention, any attention, from someone it does not matter who, just don’t leave me alone for too long.
19 thoughts on “Five Hatreds of The Narcissist”
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Miss you all.
Need some mojo.
Love and rockets. xoxo
Great job HG,
you added a little vulnerability and humour into this piece, and it makes for sweeter reading when trying to take in the brutal truth.
I had a thought, if I may offer an added point, that #6 would be ‘being kept out of the information loop’;
not being told is in effect having info withheld.
In my experience Ns hate this.
Apropos of not having boundaries and privacy respected, my familial Ns hate anyone having secrets, and demand access-all-areas.
Your thoughts on this?
Thank you again for this article.
The holidays must be so fun. Yeesh. I witnessed the need to be in the spotlight at work. An employee had been asked to come back to run HR and she told everyone a higher up specifically asked her because we couldn’t live without her. Instead of letting her have her moment the Narc was pissed. He actually made her go around and apologize to everyone for saying that. He was leaving two weeks later anyway but he could not stand that she got the attention.
Not being invited.. good god!
My work Christmas parties!! Those where HUGE issues to him. I’d invite him, ask for his food options from the menu so I could submit them to the organiser.
Arrange taxis, hotel, everything that we needed.
I’d be excited, it’s Christmas and I love my old work colleagues so I knew it was going to be fun – I reassured him a million times over they would like him. They were fun, liked banter and just genuine nice people.
The day of the party he drops out saying he’s unwell. I was disappointed but it happens.
I go and have a great time (at his request) but still wonder if he’s ok, he disappears and doesn’t answer his phone or texts, I tried to call him many many times – I worried because I knew he was unwell. I left early.
Then ……… he makes me pay for it! He said I never wanted him to go. He could sense it. I was a fucking bitch and if I didn’t fuck him that night I could sleep in my car. He was rough and spitting pure hatred. Said I was a slag and he could smell other men on me.
Why did I put up with this for so long? Where did I go? How did this happen?
I still loved him so much even after this!
He was rough because I argued my case back, I begged him to listen, to see sense, I loved him.
But no, he did what he had to do.
Why do I still think about him even after 9 months NC, I feel sick to my stomach, and yet, even after all the things he did. I forgave him. This is what I have to work on – this abusive behaviour started with my step-dad and I would forgive him and forgive him and forgive him.
Presque Vu – from my experience, never ever forgive a narcissist! They dont see it as a need to change their behavior, just the opposite. They see it as permission to it again! And the more you forgive, the more they think they can get by with. It’s how they test your boundaries to see if you have any, where they are and how strong they are. Forgiveness has never worked with any narcissist I’ve even know. It has only been an indicator that things are going to get worse. Be strong hon. You can do this. You deserve better!
Hi Presque Vu,
I’ve been immersing myself in understanding ‘Self-Love Deficit Disorder’, and the addiction process that results from attachment trauma when we are little ones. Self-Love Deficit is the foundation of both N and emotionally traumatized empath. It sets up the conditions for repetition compulsion in relationships, which is a strong driver of human behaviour.
I’m binge-watching YouTube videos on these subjects and find it useful. I’m reading ‘Toxic Parents’ to understand family dynamics. Otherwise I just obsess, and feel sad.
BTW, everything you feel is normal.
This has to be one of my favourite posts….how to piss off a narc – sweet!
You are brilliant – thank you (I hope that was supply enough LOL :-))Seriously thank you, you are doing good things!!
Indeed I am and thank you.
So sad. I’ve always been the opposite of an attention seeker, in fact I’ve always hated it. Probably because I don’t seek it, I’m told I get it. More than one person has told me I get stared at everywhere I go. I wouldn’t know if this is true because I’m usually staring at the ground!
One of the traits my many narcs probably admired in me until they hated me for it. They hated that I so easily get what they fight for daily, and I don’t even want it.
I prefer to give myself my full attention these days.
My ex-husband (who still lives next to me) is getting pretty bored at home, without my fuel. Last night I called him (because I needed to fill in a form) and asked for the numbers of the license plate of his car.
First, he said he didn’t know (I know he does), so I waited.. then he starts (f.e.) W . . . . . So I said: “Sorry, I can’t hear you, W and then?? He: W . . . (his voice disappaeared again). This is the moment where I thought, okay, right, he is a narc, he needs fuel, he wants me to get upset. What do I do… end the call and walk outside to have a look at his car myself or do I play along? I played along 🙂 I asked, asked again, got one more number, repeated, asked again, started sighing, yelling, moaning, getting angry, just the whole range of emotions I could think of, I expressed. (in the meantime I get to hear his phone is not working properly, there are more people complaining, bla,bla.. all lies).After 15 minutes I think his fuel tank was flooding and he loud and clearly told me al the numbers. Haha. Sometimes I just can’t believe this sh*t to be true. Thank goodness for this website. Mr. Tudor, I love you! xx
Oh Blank,
Your ex doesn’t just make a song and dance about it, he has his own Broadway musical! I hope you like B-grade acting, because that’s what’s on his entertainment menu, for you.
Poor you, hon.
As I said before, you need us. We quite obviously don’t need you. I’m fine alone. You taught me to be. You die alone, in all senses of that statement.
I win.
Hello H.G, a question, what would be the reaction of a Mid Ranger if the victim (IPSS) sends a message to tell him that he is not a trophy, that she does not compete in any trinagulation. Is it a wound or a fuel? After that message, i started contact 0.
If the message was precisely as you have written there, it would wound.
Well, not exactly, i wroted a few more lines, but that was the essence. Thank you
Number 4 is my mother! When she came over I was expected to stop everything and pay attention to her. Never mind that dinner was burning! What a putz! All hale the queen of nothing.
My mother is all numbers, but I get what you say IdaNoe. The whole world turns around her. When she walks in, everyone should pay attention and she will make sure that will happen. By the way, a burned dinner is extra fuel 🙂