A Sense of Guilt
Nope you’ve got me on that one.
6 thoughts on “A Sense of Guilt”
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Nope you’ve got me on that one.
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Valkyrie and Wolvesinwalden both very astute observations. The mental attitude of “I warned her what I was like” or I never asked, she started that. Coupled with the fact that the narcissist swoops in a whirlwind not giving the victim time to take a good look and be aware of what is actually happening.
HG & site guests, does anyone else think that the narc enacts the Golden Period because that is what they themselves wish they had received (as children)? Unconditonal love and praise and acceptance. To be beautiful and shining just for being yourself.
But it is of course not sustainable. No one is perfect. You have to eventually admit that people have annoying behaviors or let you down, because we are all flawed human beings.
When the curtain in falls on the show or the bright bar lights come on after last call and you really get a look at who someone is, what is your course of action?
I think some things are tolerable. When you form a relationship and consider the idea of making a life with someone, some things you just learn to deal with. Not capping the toothpaste. Not getting the perfect gift on your birthday. Maybe s/he gains some weight. Sometimes s/he isn’t a great listener. Maybe s/he isn’t as social as your are. You have flaws and you find someone who can tolerate your crap.
But somethings should not be tolerated…physical and emotional abuse, lying, deceiving, manipulation, neglect, cheating, disregard for well being, making your partner feel beneath you, inferior, subhuman, etc.
By not tolerating these behaviors and walking away, you show your objection. By protesting, by saying no, by leaving, you are saying I value myself. By not allowing yourself to be treated with abuse, you are showing respect for yourself. This does not mean that you disrespect the other person or are giving up or abandoning her/him. It is a sign that what they are doing is not ok. You have the right to protect yourself. You can still love someone and not tolerate her/his abuse. If you keep accepting the abuse, what message are you sending?
My narc once said that he would tolerate being yelled at by me, abused by me, because he loved me. But that is really what HE wanted. He wanted to be able to lie, cheat, use and manipulate me with my permission, because I loved him. I asked him, how much abuse should one take? How much could I suffer to prove to him at I loved him? How many times could I accept his lies? How many times could I forgive his cheating? How many times should a person let you hit her? Choke her? How many times should she be ignored?
To tolerate abuse is not love. To expect your partner to be a physical or emotional punching bag for you is not love.
Letting a burn victim stab you with a hot poker does not heal him. Yes give him love. Yes try to understand. Yes show him compassion. Yes protect him. Yes never give up hope. Yes forgive him. Yes do not abuse him in return. But you can do these things without accepting abuse. Show him how to treat people and how NOT to treat people.
Valkyrie, that’s an astute observation. I’d think the idea Golden Period is a subconscious reflection of childhood abuse they’ve sustained makes a degree of sense, parental/guardian abuse can tend to bounce between the “I love you/I hate you” extremes too. The impression left on the child is that of a monster they’re told they have to love all the same. It would seem like the bones of that early life trauma play a role, but I’d be surprised if there wasn’t a generous portion of malice lurking behind the GP as well, at least for the Mid-Range and Greater. I’d imagine there’s some gratification in being the person in control, here, whether consciously or subconsciously stepping into the role of giving while knowing your impending take-away is going to hurt. I’d think the tantalizing notion of being able to strip all of the fuzzy warm goodness from someone they’ve put effort into making all toasty and comfortable is too alluring to resist. Pulling the proverbial rug from beneath you, as it was once pulled from itty-bitty them, seems pathological.
Thank you wolvesinwalden. I wonder if there is some gratification in the fact that the victims allow the abuse and stay.
My narc said he never “asked me” for anything. In his head, he never asked to be with me. He just said he loved me and wanted me. I asked him of he was sure about me and he would say he was 100% sure. He treated me like a girlfriend and called me his wife sometimes, but he never “directly” asked.
I tried to explain to him that he asked me for everything. By everything he was doing, he was asking for my heart. A subtle point he didn’t want to acknowledge because he would have to admit to being conscious of deceiving me.
I think narcs use these tricks to delude themselves about their behavior.
Well I never asked her to be with me. I never asked her to stay. So what happened isn’t my fault.
Or I told her I was not a good man. I told her I would hurt her. So I warned her. The abuse is therefore something she could have avoided.
Personal responsibility in hurting someone is not something he displayed.
I don’t think everyone who was abused as a child turns into an abuser. And I don’t think every abuser came from an abusive upbringing.
But having observed that behavior being modelled in childhood seems to have an effect. Nuture versus nature.
I think what you say here WIW is spot on regarding the Golden Period and the Narc silently and patiently waiting to dunk our heads in the water once more when we’ve enjoyed too much calmness and ‘love’. It’s the ultimate control. They feel no guilt but they certainly feel the power.
Oh Valkyrie… ‘How much could I suffer to prove to him I loved him’
That got me. Right in the feels. 🙁
Ha! This is priceless!