Smile For Me
I just love that special smile of yours. I know that the first time I saw you displaying it that I wanted it for myself. I wanted to be the recipient of that smile and I wanted it so badly, oh so very badly that I went for you with ferocious determination. I watched as it slowly formed, your delectable lips twisting upwards and then parted to allow your teeth to be seen. Many animals bare their teeth as a warning to others to stay back, but not you. As you revealed your teeth and your smile widened into a grin I watched transfixed. I could see the effect it had on those near you. I could see how they felt happier for seeing your smile. I detected it in their faces, in their reactions and if I had been close enough I have little doubt that I would have been able to hear their pleasure and joy as you allowed them to bask in the warmth of your smile. It was inclusive. You showed it to everyone sat around that table and nobody was missed out. You did not break into laughter. That would almost have been vulgar and spoilt the scintillating effect of the way you conveyed such emotion to others near you. I continued to watch from my position across the bar as the words of whoever it was I was with that night, I cannot recall now, became nothing but white noise. I only allowed myself to hear her expressions of irritation at how I was distracted by you.
I made my excuses, feigning illness and dispatched whoever it was I was with, I cannot recall now, in a taxi with an already broken promise to call whoever it was, I cannot recall now and once that person who I cannot now recall had gone I returned to the restaurant. I positioned myself next to your table, sat at the bar and allowed myself to eavesdrop on the conversation that you were engaged in as I allowed myself a closer examination of your smile. It appeared frequently and never diminished in its brilliance. It was engaging, captivating and I had to have it. With customary ease I allowed myself to join your table once the dining had been concluded on the pretext of making a point arising from something you had said. I had already established from the body language around the table that none of the attending men were accompanying you and the behaviour of the other women indicated they were no more than friends. No ring rested on your wedding finger and you responded to my polite intrusion with a brief flash of that smile. I knew the drawbridge was down and the portcullis was up.
Accordingly, I made your smile mine and how I revelled in those perfect lips as they moved into that glorious smile. I had known fuller lips but yours were certainly not what I would call thin. Your left cheek dimpled when you smiled broadly and thereafter I knew that your smile was only truly for me. Yes, you smiled for others and I was proud of you for doing so, allowing them to experience it but only at a fraction of what was reserved for me. I was the sole recipient of the full magnitude of that smile and its amazing effect. You conveyed so much to me with your smile. The times you smiled at me in supportive admiration as I held forth at dinner parties, your appreciative smile when I did something for you, the sensual smile when you knew that our sexual congress was looming, the amazed smile when I stunned you with yet another example of my brilliance, your satisfied smile when you looked at me across the living room from where you were reading a book, safe and content in our world where your smile was mine and nobody else’s. I relished seeing your sleepy smile when I turned to you in the morning and gently kissed you on the nose. I delighted when you contacted me using your video capability on your ‘phone and you deliberately showed only your smiling mouth. Countless times I would record you doing so and play the footage back when I sat alone and relished the sensation which washed over me as I watched.
What made your smile so special was the fact that you gave it willingly to me. You told me that nobody had made you smile as much as I had. I took no issue with that for I knew it was something that I was entirely capable of. Your sweet, illuminating smile belonged to me, was engaged for me and existed just for me. I worked so hard to ensure that your mouth gave me that smile again and again and again. It sustained me and invigorated me, turning a moment of weakness into one of edifying strength in but a moment. I can truly say that nobody else has had a smile which has such an effect on me as yours. I saw what it did for other people and I knew that they were only experiencing a small percentage of what I felt because the true power and radiance of that smile was kept just for me because you understood me, you knew how I needed it and you were content and delighted to provide it to me. It was a beautiful smile, a beguiling smile, an admiring smile, a playful smile, an engaging smile, an enticing smile, an uplifting smile and so much more but above all else it was your special smile. Special for me.
Most of all though I cherished your smile because better than anyone else you knew how to hide everything behind that smile. I knew this is what you did and I knew he began teaching you to do so all that time ago. I made sure that you continued to use your smile in this way. I completed your learning. Now it cloaked everything that the world did not need to know about. I made your smile extra-special didn’t I?
15 thoughts on “Smile For Me”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Ugh…
Dr. Bullshit always used to say that to me…
“I love it when you smile.”
“I love it when you smile for me.”
Well that turned into (after his mask really slipped)….
“You don’t look at me the same anymore.”
“The way you look at me…like you hate me.”
This is “weird” but “someone” has been checking my postings?
Am I paranoid?
How? My identity is not real.😳
Back and forth he parades infront of my office window until he catches my eye.
Positions himself outside the glass walled conference room in my line of view when I’m in a big meeting.
Exaggerated and bizarre arm stretchy wavy type gesture to no one to get my attention.
Loudly drags the chair out from under his table for attention.
Now I know it’s sooo obvious.
We hadn’t spoken in over a year. He chased me up a corridor last week as if he wanted something important. He told me about a grand pompous holiday he’d been on. Wtf. Still devaluing. Still the holiday not for holiday sake but to tell people about. To boast. To brag. To triangulate. Twat. Dangerous twat.
I was taught to smile sweetly as a child. To be seen and not heard by my mother. An accessory for her to show to the world.
My greater loved my smile. He’d suck it right up. One of my best assets. He walks by now nearly two years post escape and one year nc. Now back in the same workplace Hes still trying to get that smile out of me.
Em
Dont let him take your smile. Enjoy smiling your ass off and lighting up the room with it for everyone else, and then drop it like a rock when your eyes fall on him.
NC thank you for the advice. That’s what I’m trying to do but it seems weird and I feel like I’m punishing him. He’s trying really hard to squeeze a smile out of me like I want to pop.
Thank you. That’s what I’m doing but it’s tough. He’s back in my head and oh how I wish I’d been on holiday with him. Still can’t understand why he wants me back in. Triangulation has begun. I’m waiting for the devaluation to start.
NA he cornered me at work after nearly a year of trying everything to get to me. Begging to be in contact … what did he say?
He’d been on holiday to a posh exclusive music competition/festival. It was such a high standard he wasn’t able to join in. (I’m assuming he went with a new interest that he’s trying to impress or who did join in, or the current IPPS who had to up her game and bought him the holiday as a gift).
Anyhow I forgot all my training and said ‘how perfect for you’. He did That pumped up grin and said yes it was. I gave him fuel. I’m furious with myself. Why didn’t I ignore him or use one of my pre learnt bland not interested comments. And why didn’t I say anything about the last year of torture and him chasing me. Is that all he bloody wanted? To boast. Ffs. Twat and I miss him and I wonder what he’s up to. Another upgrade. Tell me he’s not happy. He can’t be happy if he had to prod me for approval.
After some shitty event, mine would say: smile!
I would reply: give me a reason.
His answer: I exist.
That could be my exhusband too
Wow!! I shouldn’t laugh but I did, not because it’s funny but because of their mindset!!
That’s why I smiled.
“I knew this is what you did and I knew he began teaching you to do so all that time ago.”
This makes it sound like you can tell right away what women had fathers who were narcissists. They do train us to be prey for their kind, even when we’re determined never to be with someone like them. Well, I certainly avoided the Lessers and the Midrangers — but a Greater was not something I’d anticipated. Plus, until recently, I thought my father’s big problem was alcoholism, so I didn’t really know what to look out for.
I’ve healed from the romantic relationship with a narc though. Healing from what my father did to me might end up being a lifelong job.
He once said ‘I just want to see you look at me with that big smile’ (he wanted to buy me clothes and I had said I didn’t need anything). It stuck out at the time as strange but I couldn’t put my finger on why.
It was because he didn’t want to buy me something for me to feel happy, or loved or appreciated. He literally just wanted that smile, that fuel. They tell us the truth, we just interpret it wrong.
I read somewhere, when someone doesn’t show you what you want to see, they show you what you need to see.