Drunk With Fatigue
Are you reading this through bleary eyes as you desperately await the effect of a caffeine boost to kick start your weary self into life to endure another day? Perhaps you can vividly recall that drained sensation that haunted you and that nagging ache which was ever present behind your eyeballs? The need to close your eyes and slip into a deep and restful slumber. All you wanted to do was to close your eyes and allow the tiredness to evaporate and shrouded in the amnesiac qualities of sleep you would be given respite from the nightmare that enveloped you. Yet, you were never able to achieve that sleep. Your near permanent anxiety meant that as you lay in bed you were tensed, ready to respond to the next jibe or manipulation. You heard a click. Was that me exiting the study at long last and coming to the bedroom or was it just the house settling? You were hyper vigilant and you cannot now recall how long that state had existed but you did know that it caused a nightly battle where you tried to sleep but each sound made you twitch and ready yourself. Sometimes you must have fallen asleep, such was the extent of your exhaustion and you dreamed and then suddenly you awoke. What had happened? Why did you awake so suddenly? You twist and see me there lying fast asleep, unburdened by any concerns. Even now you want to reach out and touch me in the hope that my hand will be placed on your shoulder and then my arm will envelope you, making you feel safe and secure, like it once did. You have learned not to reach out though for the consequences of waking me from my rest are not worth experiencing again. Instead, your shaking hand retreated and you turned to look at the clock and you sighed with resignation as you realised that the fitful sleep you had endured was only about an hour in length.
You lay there, eyes stinging and head heavy giving thanks that it was not one of those nights where I repeatedly jabbed you in the back to stop you sleeping. How did I manage to do that and then bound from the bed refreshed and revitalised as you rose like a zombie? How had I been able to interrupt your sleep through the night by prodding you and yet I was energetic? Was I sleeping during the day like some vampire hiding from the sunlight? At least this time I am sleeping and you have been spared the intermittent prod in the small of your back. It is a small mercy since the questions and thoughts race around your mind, as they always do in the dead of night. Why is this happening? What has gone wrong? Why am I doing this? When will it end? How can you stop it? Should you ask me to talk about it or will that risk another argument? How much more can you take? When did you last sleep properly? These questions and more besides whirl around in your mind, having taken a hold in your head. Your eyes flick to the silent television set in the corner of the room and you debate watching something, anything, just to break the relentless churning in your skull, but even with the volume set at barely audible you know it will disturb me and then it will be your fault again.
You look to the door now closed. You managed to resist a lock being fitted to the bedroom door, wary of what further horrors might be unleashed against you if your exit was barred but each day you fear that on your return that you will see an invoice from a joiner on the kitchen table and a lock has been fitted. You ponder whether you should head downstairs and see if sleep will come on the sofa or at least you can put the headphones on and listen to a radio play or some music. That would provide some sanctuary but yet again, as if possessed of some sixth sense, you know that I will appear and demand to know what you are doing downstairs in the middle of the night. No matter how deeply I appear to be sleeping it as if I sense your absence and come looking for you. It is then that you face the accusations of texting some man behind my back even though your ‘phone is not to hand. It does not matter what the facts are does it? I always find a way of twisting the blame on to you. No, you cannot steal downstairs and instead you must remain board stiff in bed as your eyes watch the incessant march of time and sleep remains evasive. You can feel the hammering of your heart in your chest. Even though nothing is happening and all is quiet and still, that sense of foreboding remains. A cold hand of dread has gripped your heart and squeezes, driving the breath from your body and causing anxiety to spread across you. Perhaps you ought to see the doctor and see if he will prescribe something for this? You will need to do it without my knowledge otherwise I shall accuse you of attention-seeking by going to the doctor without consulting me first. I, of course, know what is best for you and I screen everything you do before determining whether I shall allow it. You know you ought to fight against it but you are so tired, so weary and you need what little strength remains to help you navigate a way throughout the day without treading on a mine and causing an explosion of fury. It is getting harder. You forget things now. Your memory used to be excellent or at least you think it did. Even thinking is becoming arduous and sometimes you just sit, staring into space, caught somewhere between wakefulness and hypnosis. If only one night of rest could come, if only this anxiety, this fear, this wariness would leave you and let you gain some strength, then you would not make the mistakes and I would not be angry. Perhaps then we could be as we used to be. You can still remember that and hope with all your heart that somehow this situation can be retrieved. You never felt tired then. You never walked with a shuffle or placed the milk in the dishwasher in error. You did not forget you were baking something until the acrid smell of smoke jolted you from your daydreaming and had you running into the kitchen, cursing your foolishness and immediately wondering if you could cook a fresh batch before I came home and witnessed another of your failures.
The clock shows 5am and sleep has evaded you once more. The dull throb in the centre of your forehead remains. You would have to be up in an hour anyway. There is no point trying to sleep now. You can see the first rind of dawn trying to permeate through the curtains and another day has arrived. You may as well rise and weave through this day, whichever day it is, is it Wednesday or Thursday? You cannot quite remember. You slide your feet from the bed and sit up, glancing at me over your shoulder, back now turned to you, my body rising and falling in a steady rhythm as I sleep on, oblivious to your exhaustion. You stand and sway a little as you ready yourself for another day of feeling drunk with fatigue.
40 thoughts on “Drunk With Fatigue”
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story of my life
Yeah…this article is very spot on as usual.
It’s also much easier to manipulate someone who is exhausted because you aren’t even in your right mind anymore. I must admit I’ve definitely done things very out of character being that tired and emotionally….well… all over the place.
This particular time… right before I left… in my last moments of exhaustion and emotionality my ex decided to essentially take advantage of it and have sex with with me to confuse me and get some kinda of power over me. His dick was hard when I was crying … it was like he was getting off on all of it… ugh…and fake comforting me that of course lead to him fucking me. I felt so dirty after … like I wanted to rip my skin off. It reminded me of how my other ex would behave (big dick lover). Whenever I was upset – angry or depressed or distraught in any way …. in the middle of fighting he would always try and have sex with me. I also remember his dick was hard whenever I would cry too….
My current ex clearly thought the sex would be satisfying enough and confuse me enough to get me to stay so we could now start the new pattern that’s was emerging …. the back and forth to keep me off balance. He was obviously wrong and didn’t calculate things correctly and essentially screwed up so bad that I was done and not about to ride the express crazy train….
It’s probably best when feeling like a partner is keeping you up at night to physically remove yourself from the area completely – as in go to anothe house to take time to breathe and sleep. I knowvthats not always possible but I would totally do that now instead of sitting there watching the asshole sleep while I’m upset lol.
K
Thank you for posting different links when they apply. I am also new here and trying to take it all in. It helps when I can go to different links and read more.
“As each day goes by, you will feel better but you are right; it is going to take a while before you are ok. It is definitely a grieving process and we are compelled to look at ourselves and examine our behaviour, as well. Sometimes, we cannot fix the past and it is often best to look at it for what it was, accept it, realize it wasn’t our fault and move on. Each person is different and will find their answers on his/her journey in his own way.”
Yes! This makes perfect sense to me. For me, I am trying to accept this was not my fault. Of course, being the person I am, I blame myself for everything. I am slowly realizing I am not to blame yet I am having a difficult time forgiving myself. I know my past lead me into his arms if that makes sense. Looking into yourself is incredibly tough and for me, incredibly nerve-wracking. My journey of self healing and self love started when I found HG and this blog. I wish I had found this blog a long time ago.
My pleasure BrokenRainbow
And welcome aboard. I want you to remember these words: It wan’t your fault; you were targeted. Those are the magic words that I heard on one of HG’s YouTube videos over a year ago.
You are not to blame and nothing was your fault so there is nothing to forgive, please, let go of that and free yourself. What you are experiencing is cognitive dissonance and that is quite normal. The logic and the emotion is dyssynchronous (fighting with each other) and that will resolve itself as you replace your emotional thinking (ET) with logical thinking (LT).
Inevitably, past experiences often lead us to dark and dangerous places, however, once we become aware of this “thinking” then we can effect positive change by making better and healthier choices for ourselves by using the knowledge that we have acquired here on our journey.
Don’t be afraid to look at yourself. Be compassionate and accept what you see; life is too short to get hung up on things you have no control over. I wish I found this blog in August 2015 because it truly is a lifesaver.
I am very happy that you found the links helpful. There is a search function on the upper right, underneath “Knowing the Narcissist” and it is very helpful. If you want to know about hoovers, just type in: hoover and you will pull up all the relevant articles, or gaslighting, lies, no contact, etc., also, family or food and you can read those articles, as well. Have fun with it.
K
I understand when you say I don’t need to forgive myself. But I kept returning to him over and over. I am embarrassed to say how many times I have returned. Even when I knew he was not good for me (but not realizing he is a narcissist) I would still return. I was determined to make it work. After finally realizing the truth, I still went back one more time. Unfortunately I had outed him on his NPD by that point. The last night I saw him, his mask was completely off. (Interesting point is his entire face shifted that night and I saw something almost reptilian. It scared the hell out of me and I still cannot remember that night properly. It is almost like my brain will not allow me there). That is why I am having problems forgiving myself.
I am in therapy and have started to look at myself. We have not delved into my childhood trauma yet and that is the part that scares me. I know logically I am the person I am today because of all my experiences in my life but when I start emotionally thinking, that is when it all falls apart. However saying that, I am determined like hell to heal my inner little girl who was abused and never felt loved. I never want to go through the experience of being abused by another narcissist.
Also, thanks for the lesson on how to use the search button. It is much appreciated.
BrokenRainbow
You and I and half the people on this blog have returned over and over again. That’s the nature of the addiction. Don’t be embarrassed, that’s just your emotional thinking and there is no shame in that, even if you knew what he was. Many of us have all been there and done that.
When the mask comes off, it is scary. You wonder who you have been with all those years. Please, forgive yourself because you deserve it. You have been through hell and back and you will be going back a few more times before this is over.
While you are in therapy, let it all out and don’t be scared or apologize for any of your feelings, just feel them. As time goes by, you will be able to look at your past more objectively and put it into perspective. Your past has made you into the person you are today, so accept her for who she is: the good, the bad and the ugly. Take care of yourself because no one else will.
The search button is fun, when you have a chance type in: Humpty Dumpty.
K
Thanks for your compassion and kind words of wisdom. I appreciate it very much, especially today. The addiction and the emotional thinking have won today for the first time in awhile. How long does this damn addiction last for?
You are welcome BrokenRainbow
It took me four months to get over the addiction and an additional three months for ever presence to fade. When I had moments of weakness, I would read and post my way through them but don’t be surprised if you take two steps forward and twenty back because it takes a while to get your ET under control.
Type: golden period, binding, or ever presence in the search bar and those articles will help explain the addiction.
K
I know my addiction is decreasing a little with each passing day. However when my emotional thinking spikes thoughts of my ex overpower my mind. At the beginning of No Contact, each day was filled with sobbing tears and physical longing for him. I now have moments where that happens instead. Yesterday though was another full day. I do understand the two steps forward and a thousand steps back. Ever presence is harder to eliminate but I am trying.
BrokenRainbow
The beginning is really rough (lots of tears and anger) and you rode it out and now you have “moments of misery”, ok good; you are making progress. Eventually those moments become fewer and farther between until you think about him with indifference or not at all. Keep feeling those awful, sucky emotions, don’t suppress them. That’s how you get better.
Ever presence takes a while but it happens without you even realizing it. It’s like magic. Poof! All gone.
No Contact + Accurate information + time = a healthy individual
Those full days of ET are normal and they will dwindle with the passage of time, as well. Yeah, I totally get the thousand steps back. That sucks.
When you have time, type in: emotional sea (there are three parts in total) and check those out.
Hi Broken Rainbow, I wanted to also extend a welcome (though site navigation is one of K’s specialties!!). What you wrote resonated. I haven’t been on this site very long either – under six months. I also wish I’d found it a long time ago. I also went back to MRN again and again, even knowing he was not good for me. I also kept blaming myself for things not working. When I realized it wasn’t my fault, the fog lifted and I escaped but it was a long, hard, drawn out process. It has taken awhile to recover and I don’t think I fully have, though I sleep much better now – the constant fatigue/vigilance/early waking is almost gone. You are in the right place and on your way. Give it six months and stick around. It is a huge, huge help!
Hi SMH
Thank you for the welcome. The fog is starting to lift which I thank God for. I have found myself making jokes about him (to myself) throughout my day. Somehow it helps me feel better when I can attempt to laugh at it. Then there are times where I am crying.
You are right. It is a very difficult and long process. My PTSD has been out of control which is not helping. Due to the high levels of cortisol in my body (fight or flight) I now have Adrenal Fatigue. I have never physically felt so ill in my life. However on a positive note, I am now sleeping again. The last several nights I have slept through the night which I have not done in months. I am learning how to walk again if that makes sense. With each passing day I am healing gradually.
BrokenRainbow, The learning to walk again thing makes complete sense and is a great way to put it. I know fight or flight mode really well. I was that way for over a year and fled several times (went back) because I could not handle the anxiety, which I knew was having a physical affect. Mine ‘trained’ me to wake at 5:30 a.m., which was when he would get up and start emailing. I would wake within seconds even though my phone was off. That went on even when he hadn’t emailed…it is way over now, though I still half expect to see his (fake) name in my email. I started to first break away when I removed the email app from my phone but that turned out to only be the beginning of a very long journey. You are halfway there and (importantly) here.
SMH
That is rough to be conditioned to wake up at 0530 hours. How long did it take to break the 0530 hour wake up time? I found it difficult when my ex manipulated my sleep patterns.
Did you get a lot of emails from your ex? I am very fortunate as he does not know my email address, phone number or where I live. It makes it easier knowing he cannot get hold of me. However now he has reached out to my family members which frustrates me. Before this blog, I would have called him and asked him to leave my family alone. I will not call as that will break no contact and he will also gain fuel from me. He also gets the satisfaction that his plan worked. His plan is not going to work. Regardless of what is said to my family I will remain no contact.
BrokenRainbow,
He had my real email from the very beginning. We were broadly part of the same social circle and it never occurred to me that he was a predator.
At first I was bored. We would see each other but after a month I left him when I fell asleep one morning while he was emailing. During the month we were apart I found myself early waking all the time, so a few things were clearly going on.
Fast forward, I went back to him, left the country for months and he would time his emails for my a.m. Then I came back to our country, left him again, went NC, went back, etc. Then a long period of early waking to his emails. I’d say my conditioning went on for almost two years on and off.
Post escape I made him delete all of our emails in front of me. 3000 of them.
The only thing he does now that I know of is indirectly hoover on social media and networking sites. Not sure he even does that anymore but I would be surprised to directly hear from him or anything about him.
I gauge my recovery in part by the fact that I sleep a normal night now.
Kathy Mor
I also was not afraid. I remember friends and family looking at me in amazement that I was not scared (for the most part). I just wanted to be with him. It was all worth it to me at the time.
This article blows my mind!!
I never realised what he was doing until now!!
A lightbulb moment 💡💡💡
I’d have to be up early for work so latest I could go to sleep would be 12:30. He would stay up till 4 or 5 then crawl in beside me and wake me up by telling me I had too much bed, too much covers, room was too hot, room was too cold, I have his pillow etc etc etc. Then he’d start snoring and that was it, I’d be wide awake with a couple of hours sleep.
When he started to sleep in the spare room I was happy!! Then lonely as he preferred that even at weekends.
HG 🙌🏻👏🏻
How cold, how dark and ugly their inner world must be, that they are driven to such torture of another being.
I remember watching him sleep peacefully, thinking he looked so beautiful. I remember creeping round but only not to wake him. Making him coffee when it was time for work. Which he never drank, purposefully.
I just.. this one really made me sick.
They will do anything to keep there control over you! Controlling Phones, Money, Mail, Bank accounts,! What ever you have belongs to them even your soul! Tying you to beds, locking you in closets, beating you, even raping you when you refuse to have sex with them!😪
listen to drunk with fatigue..
the link doesn’t work it says there are no videos
Fuck. If you didn’t have insomnia before, share your bed with the Oogity Boogity (wo)man and you probably will. That’s, what, the eleventybillionth glaring symptom of a major psychological disturbance within the IPPS exacerbated by being in close proximity to their narc? Granted, a predisposition toward neural fuckery is a dominant factor. Which seems more malicious, to me, an individual with an already messy CPU between their ears is infinitely easier to manipulate. Like jabbing thumbtacks into an exposed nerve, of course you’re going to get a reaction.
He was exceptional about faking sleep so he could watch me all night long. Until he tied my wrists to the headboard. Then he slept. Hand on my throat. Every single night, I slept with him.
Dear God Kathy! I had to read that three times. Tied you to the bed with his hand on your throat in order for him to get a good nights sleep? Insecure is one thing, but that is extra! How long did you live that way? I am so sorry. 💔
Control. It was control. My phone is on his account. He knew who called me, texted me. So it was not that. It was control.
I have another line now on my own. I am changing the number in all places but it takes time as many are connected with job, business, university. Then I will get rid of it. I want no contact. The more I read about it, the less I feel. Even my anger is 80% less. Last week if I saw someone driving a similar car, I would feel pain. Today I am like… nah.
Once you understand what it really is, it makes all sense how they act. Not right but it brings understanding.
Goddamn, that’s awful, Kathy. I hope you’re able to sleep well nowadays. Or better, at least.
Thank you guys. I finally crash now. My little son sleeps with me so I don’t have that strange sensation that I can’t explain. I lock the bedroom door. There has never been violence. I just don’t trust. Especially because I feel his visceral hatred that is now towards me because his last Hoover failed. If it doesn’t work with whoever he is now, he will come after me faster than he would if it worked. I am doing all I can to block him quietly because if he notices that I am pulling away, he will come at speed of light. I don’t want to deal with his anger and police won’t do a thing until something concrete is said… or done.
I wanted to write a comment and then I noticed MB just said exactly what I wanted to say. I read it 3 times as well. You know, I was going to say: sure this is control, how could you allow this to happen? And then I realise I allowed ‘things’ to happen myself, that ‘normally’ I would never let happen, because it’s sick. The addiction grows slowly and you extend your personal boundaries.Or maybe you don’t even set boundaries because you know from childhood, nobody ever respected them. Hope you are well now Kathy, take care! xx
Thank you. I am getting better everyday, since I started coming here.
My boundaries got very blurred due to the type of dynamic we had going on. It has more to do with the person doing it then what’s done.
Just an example. I could be playing with him some kinky game and he could say: oh I want you to sleep this way tonight.
I could go ahead and say “yes. Let’s do it.”
But outside of that, his baseline would be of someone caring, centered, safe, honest. He would be caring towards me and protect me. Not hurtful and devalue me to get fuel. That’s the line I didn’t see… I didn’t see him.
Every time I hear HG, it is like he was there with me witnessing those things happening.
As a healthcare professional, I understand that narcissism is a personality disorder, not a mental illness. But how is it possible that all these people act almost the same exact way? If it is not s chemical imbalance in the brain, as it is with bipolar disorder, depression… what is it that make them that way? Brain structures? Trauma?
I was raised by narcissists. I was abused emotionally. Yet I didn’t turned out that way. What is it that make them to become what they are?
Why are the reactions the same?
HG, these questions are for you my friend…. Thank you!
Kathy, I don’t mean to answer for HG, but I’d like to say this: All narcs definitely do not act the same way. My mother is a lesser, N-ex is a greater cerebral and narc-musician an MR and they all act in a very different way. What they have in common is lack of empathy & feelings of love and guilt. To say it very black & white: Imagine you feel no love, have no empathy and no feelings of guilt or remorse, how would you act? Totally different than you will act now. I never forget a moment where N-ex and I sat on a bench in the Zoo and a pregnant woman with two small children and a stroller came from the petting zoo section and had to pass a turnstile.
I immediately wanted to get up and help her, but did not want to embarrass my husband, because he was looking at her as well. But he just watched her struggling! When I realized he wasn’t going to help, I got up, but in the meantime some other guy came helping her out. I felt so ashamed. This is only one example of his lack of empathy, I could give you hundreds. When I was in total despair after years of depression, I told him (only one time) that I wanted to commit suicide. He stared at me, turned around and walked away.
Later, when we divorced, he told me his ex-girlfriend had told him the same, while visiting his place. He immediately got her to go in the car, brought her to the railway station and put her on the train back home. Did not want to deal with that. She committed suicide by jumping of a building. You would expect a person who had lost a girlfriend that way, to be more carefull and empathetic the next time.
But there is no empathy, no love, no guilt, no remorse, no whatsoever.
That is why all narcs seem to act the same, the only person they think and care about is themself. Totally egoistic and egocentric. If they will do something for you, it will be in their own interest.
Kathy
I also had to read this a few times. Wow. That must have been terrifying for you. I can’t even imagine what that would be like. It is amazing what we allow to happen isn’t it?
Yes but I was not afraid. I was happy because I felt that he wanted me so much. Hell. I would not care about spending my life glue to him like that.
That is why I wasn’t afraid. Uncomfortable? Absolutely. But not afraid.
Kathy Mor
My twin and I were both abused by our narcissistic parents (lessers) and he is a narcissist and I am an empath. Narcissists are created by a combination of environmental factors (child abuse) and genetics.
This comment may help explain why they act in a similar way.
HG Tudor
JANUARY 24, 2018 AT 23:12
It is more the case that the similar behaviours and comments demonstrate that the individuals are narcissists. It looks like the same playbook is used, but it is actually the other way around.
For example, rather than regard it as “Isn’t it weird how tigers all have orange, white and black stripes?” it is “The fact that animal has orange, white and black stripes means it is a tiger.”
https://narcsite.com/2018/01/24/a-letter-to-the-narcissist-no-71/#comments
I really appreciate you answering me because I am new here and there is so much information that I feel like a little kid lost in a candy store.
I must say that nothing in my life so far has been compared to my experience here with all of you guys.
I feel like I’m many ways I am rescuing that abused little girl in me… the one that my alcoholic mother used to threaten to leave every single day.
I just want to thank all of you and especially you HG. You have no idea how much you have helped me. I hope one day to be able to help you.
You are welcome Kathy Mor
narcsite is the best place to be to learn about NPD and you will find all your answers here, welcome aboard. There are many people here who are learning how to heal from NPD abuse and you will learn self-compassion and how to let go of guilt, shame and blame as your logical thinking replaces your emotional thinking.
No child should be subjected to an alcoholic mother who threatens her with abandonment. You deserved to be loved, protected and cared for and I am truly sorry that your mother treated you in this reprehensible manner. It is unacceptable. Focus on taking care of yourself and getting better and someday, when you are feeling stronger, you can reach out and help others, but until then put yourself first.
Warmest regards
K
Thank you, K. The irony in the this is that my narcissist’s nickname was K (capital K) like yours.
You are right. Everyday I feel and think differently than the day before but I feel less anger. Yet I am not even close to say that I am ok.
This is a process, a grieving process of death and rebirth, not only regarding the abusive relationship but regarding our own issues. A process of looking at ourselves and begin to understand what is happening with us. What is it that all of us are trying to fix but it never gets fixed. It goes deeper than try to fix the narcissist. It is trying to fix what we lost at some point in time that we don’t even remember what it was. It is buried deep in the memory.
About our narcissists, we often wonder how something so good could turn so bad.
HG and this web site, it is the opposite. How something so bad could turn so good.
And don’t understand me wrong. I know HG said he doesn’t care. He said that himself; however I can only imagine what this man could do if he cared. Wow!
Kathy Mor
Oh dear, I am sorry that my name is the same as his, that is an unpleasant reminder. Try to think of me as the “Good K”.
As each day goes by, you will feel better but you are right; it is going to take a while before you are ok. It is definitely a grieving process and we are compelled to look at ourselves and examine our behaviour, as well. Sometimes, we cannot fix the past and it is often best to look at it for what it was, accept it, realize it wasn’t our fault and move on. Each person is different and will find their answers on his/her journey in his own way.
Sometimes, we have to go into the dark (chaos) to find the light (order)
Do the opposite of what you are doing and that is where your answers lie.
I couldn’t imagine HG as an Empath but it would be a sight to see.
Special K works.
NA
Ha ha ha…I love that! Special K. I just finished reading all the comments on Hush and yours were a riot. Thanks for the multiple laughs.
This was good: with him being 60 and all