Utter Disgust
You disgust me. How did I ever choose to be with you? How did I not see what you really are? You conned me. There can be no other explanation for what has happened. You drew me in and promised me so much. You offered all that I needed and now you have revealed your true colours. Another chameleon. I would have thought that I would have become more adept at identifying you by now but I suspect that you came with leaden tongue which was draped in sugar as you sought to lure me into your despairing world. I cannot believe that you behaved in such a way and after everything that I have done for you. This is the method of your thanks is it? You are a disgusting person to behave in this way. Building up my hopes, thinking that after so long searching and hunting that I have finally located the one that would always give me what I need. The sole supply of my strength, the bearer of joy, the provider of sustenance and yet you promised all this and when it came to the moment of reckoning you failed to deliver. I should not berate myself for once again I have been fooled by someone who came with obscuring smoke and confusing mirrors. I am but a simple and straightforward person who offers only dedication and a perfect love. You knew this yet you lured me in with your false promises and empty words.
How did you think I would react to such perfidy? With a smile and a “oh it does not matter”? Of course not. You failed me and in the most offensive way possible. You have insulted me, me of all people. You have caused grave offence through your disgusting conduct and that was why you had to be punished. It is not good pleading for clemency. You held a position of trust and you abused that trust in a foul manner. You were given complete and utter access to my inner being and you achieved this through manipulation and fraud. Your punishment accordingly must match this heinous crime. Look at you, snivelling and begging, the crocodile tears spilling down your face as you plead for leniency and another chance. How many chances must I give you? You have failed me so many times and you have taken advantage of my most generous nature. You disgust me. So weak and so pathetic. You thought you could break me but you could not. You thought that you could outwit and outflank me. Not a chance. You thought you could do as you pleased but I have found you out and for that you shall receive your comeuppance. Get up and have some dignity. By heaven, I cannot stand it when you behave like this. Your weakness offends me. I can smell the putrid stench of your pathetic vulnerability now that I have pierced that fraudster’s veil. The offensive odour is all pervasive and I want to vomit such is the disgusting sensation that arises from it. Get out of my sight, you turn my stomach. How did I ever think that you would be the solution? I must have taken leave of my senses but then in a way I did. You made me believe in something that was not real. You duped me. Me, me of all people, someone of my brilliance and intellect, taken in by the sleight of hand of a trickster. I cannot stand this association with something so vile as you. I despite you but I also despise myself for having ever chosen you. You promised me everything and I fell for it. I thought I knew better. I thought I had it all worked out, the path forward and the road to infinite excellence but you were waiting around the bend again weren’t you, you despicable bastard. You ambushed me and just as I thought everything was right, correct and well, you sought to topple me with your clandestine behaviours. Your deceit run through you like a disease and you are riddled with it. Do you see how it causes your features to twist in some sick parody of what you are? The vitriol and the malice age you. It is bound to be the case for nobody can such sick sin for too long. I suppose that is why you try and conceal it isn’t it? Your leering sick grin cannot be looked upon for it will reveal all your other warped features, the grimacing evil that stems from being such a disgusting creature as you are. I cannot stand to look upon you, I cannot bear to hear your screeching and pitiful voice which makes me shudder when I think how often I desired to hear it. Oh what a fool I have been to have been taken in by your promises. You have misled me over and over again. How could you behave in such a manner? Are you not disgusted with yourself? You ought to be. I can feel the bile rising in my throat as I contemplate what you have done to me and now as I see you for what you truly are. Leave! Be gone! I have no desire to have you in my eye any longer. My disgust overwhelms me and I must escape your presence. I said for you to go. Why do you remain staring at me and mocking me with those hooded eyes? Is there not end to your torturous ways? Stop looking at me. Stop it, I demand it. Perhaps if I shut my eyes and yes, you have gone. Ha, I am not finished yet. I have dispelled you but even as I keep my eyes shut tight I know that when I open them again you will have returned because I can never escape you can I?
13 thoughts on “Utter Disgust”
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I most definitely understand this perspective; however the following should be considered…
1. No one will be the solution
2. Everyone will let you down in some capacity but it’s important to consider to what degree and if they are there for you and support you most of the time especially in serious times of need.
3. You liked the idea of this person and not who they really are as a person.
4. The reality is that no matter how intuitive someone is they aren’t psychic and you need to communicate your needs in a way that will be well received by the other person.
5. Everyone has flaws it’s a matter of understanding what you are willing to deal with.
6. You get bored…things get stale…and the initial newness and exciting part will end at some point. You will get bursts at that point of things being exciting but not that constant rush in the beginning…- the trade off would be someone who can handle you and stimulate you and you feeling comfortable enough to be yourself and be accepted for who you are as well as having someone have your back.
7. You never were yourself so they liked you for who you were pretending to be not who you are.
You essentially set yourself up for frustration, disappointment and rejection because you acted a certain way because you liked the idea of this person or thought you as yourself couldn’t be loved by this individual – sold this person on this fake you and when the mask slips because it always does… they realize this isn’t the person they signed up for and/or you realize this person isn’t perfect and isn’t the idea you had in your mind and start treating them differently and becoming resentful and angry….and the shit show begins…
They never were and never will be the idea of who you want them to be because they are who they are….Just like you are who you are ….
Expectations need to be realistic
The relationships were doomed from the day they started…. but they don’t have to be
Relationships take work and can’t be one sided …
Thank you IdaNoe you are very kind to reply to me I really appreciate it .
Somedays it’s hard isn’t it .?
Yes. It’s very hard. We are in different situations, but it all hurts. My mother is my current narcissist, my forever narcissist. She is dying and no matter how angry I get , a large part of my heart still wants her. Wants to be part of whatever life she has left, even if I suffer because of it. She has wounded me beyond explanation and I still want her. If I had not found HG’s website, I would have gone back. Tried again to set it right. Now I know that to do so would mean my death as well, but the desire doesn’t go away. So now have to say goodbye from a far and try to figure out how to be in this world. Learn all the things I wasn’t taught, but should have been. Hence my name, IdaNoe. I have to figure out who I am, because what I was taught to be was a tool, an appliance. You will figure out who you are too. It just takes time.
This🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 This is how vicious your kind is, it’s the ultimate dead to anyone to be in a relationship with your kind!
All these feelings are on point, the loathsome feeling does not go away, to know I was prey and used as a fuel was so painful and draining, having a relationship with your kind is physically debilitating, I fell for it the first time in my life how my energy was literally suck out of my soul and was not a pretty view!
A year went by since this relationship ended life seems and look more brighter, I want to feel sorry for you and your kind but I can’t, I simply refuse to acknowledge your existence and since I began doing this, now it’s when you realize I’m not an easy target or enemy!
It took a long time to forgive myself and I’m still working on it, now that I know who you are, and what you need to breath, I am going to take away the fuel you are expecting to take from me…
Damn parasites!!
#BlueFalcon
Damn the urge to contact narc is high , to tell him I see through him.
I know negative fuel .
I will say it here
Narc
There is no reason to call me , you are not the person I thought you were .You showed me how I meant nothing to you .The sheer lack of empathy for my feelings when you deleted me from your life ,no warning.The humiliation was the worst I’ve ever felt.
How can you call me and pretend you are the man I cared for , don’t you realise you showed me what you are capable off.
The man I thought you were doesn’t exist , the real you is a cold cruel manipulative person .I could never trust you again .You destroyed my trust in men.
Stop toying with me , and stop pretending the mask has already slipped ,I know what you are .
Kiki
Thats a great way to do it. To stay no contact and get it all out here instead.
Hi
Thank you Narcangel.
I wrote on another article here today that I notice I have changed.
I feel like part of me inside has died.
I know I will never trust again ,and my attraction to men has ended.
My sex drive is gone ,it’s like I’m dead inside ,those parts of me that came to the fore with ex narc have gone.
I am not a romantic but now I feel cold dead inside .
I keep convos on a shallow level with people in my life , I squirm away from men ,and truly think this is it ,I have been turned into this and lost all trust.
It keeps me protected at least , but half frozen.
Please don’t give him this too. Don’t give up. With knowledge come power. Power to protect yourself, identify predatory behavior and deflect unwanted advances. Also have you ever considered that there are male emaths? Don’t give him your dreams of a loving relationship. Don’t let him win. You’re still here. You’re still alive. You survived his worst. You are strong and will get stronger. Believe in yourself.
I hear you Kiki!
But they would love to know they’ve scarred us this much. So much so, we don’t date and doubt anybody remotely nice to us.
BUT I’m looking at it as a time out, learning, growing, getting stronger. You’ll get your mojo back in time. There is no rush. Don’t let him ruin your romantic future. You can love, it’s a gift of yours to share 😘
The narcissists says to him/her self as they look into the mirror and finally see through their own facade.
This is how I feel and has driven some of my exclamations.
I hate it.
What does this say? It feels like sickness reflecting sickness.