How Could You?
“How could you do this to me?”
“How could you sleep with my sister?”
“How could you just walk out on us like that and never even contact us for months?”
“How could you treat me like I didn’t exist?”
“How could you hit me when you say that you love me?”
“How could you get me into so much debt?”
“How could you stand by and let me suffer so badly?”
“How could you not see what you were doing?”
“How could you not understand what I was saying to you?”
“How could you tear us apart like this?”
“How could you say such awful, horrible things to me?”
“How could you? In our bed of all places?”
“How could you even look at yourself in the mirror after doing that?”
“How could you let me down in such a terrible way?”
“How could you destroy our family?”
“How could you not control yourself?”
“How could you do such a thing to your own children, for God’s sake?”
“How could you disappear like that?”
“How could you be so heartless?”
There is little doubt that you have asked one or more of the questions above, or a variation of those queries when dealing with our kind. Your question will have been asked in a heightened emotional state as your world collapsed and you struggled to comprehend that somebody could behave in such a manner. Nothing made sense anymore.
Everything you thought that you knew had been torn up, re-written and trampled into the dirt. Your alarm, confusion and distress were considerable and your bewilderment and sheer astonishment that a human being could do such things only served to make your position even worse.
Whatever was said or done. No matter how morally bereft, ethically bankrupt or socially unacceptable the act. No matter the level of depravity, the depths to which we sunk and the new low we achieved, you found yourself asking this question. No matter what you did, what you gave and what you gave often, it mattered not one iota because you were left asking this question.
Invariably you received no explanation. Denial and deflection ruled the day. Perhaps there was some mumbled explanation or even a demonstration of false contrition by way of a Preventative Hoover, but whatever our response will have been, it will not have given you the truth of how we could have done those things.
We are able to say those things and commit those acts for several reasons.
- Golden Period. You were given the golden period. You were either spared the worst of our behaviour for a time period (usually the Lesser) or you were given the whole glorious illusion of love, passion and dizzying elation. You received this and you embraced it willingly. There is a price that comes with such largesse you know and now you are paying it through us behaving in such a manner as that which has caused you such distress.
- Entitlement. Who are you to challenge what we have done? Who do you think you are questioning us as to how we could have done those things? We are entitled to do as we please, when and how we like and you have to deal with that. Someone as great as us gets to behave as he wants and you ought to know better than to challenge us about it.
- Necessity. All we do is as is required by necessity. Whether it was to gain fuel, to punish you, to remind you of your position, to reinforce our superiority, to preserve the façade and so many other potential reasons, what we do is necessary and if that results in suffering for you, then that is how it must be. Our needs matter. Yours do not.
- No accountability. Linked to our sense of entitlement there can be no penalty, sanction or reprimand for our actions. We are immune from punishment or consequence. We do not even have to explain ourselves and therefore this allows us to proceed as we deem appropriate.
- No awareness. The Lesser or Mid-Range will not even be aware that what they have done is wrong or offensive since their perspective of the world is different to yours.
- No admission. The Greater knows what has happened is considered to be wrong by you, not that he cares and furthermore neither will he admit as such. To do so would be a sign of weakness and hand an advantage to you.
- You deserve it. You don’t function as you should any more. You have gone rogue and let us down. Accordingly, our response was entirely merited by punishing you.
- No conscience. There is no downside, no guilt or remorse in doing what we did. Therefore, we are untroubled by the import of your allegations.
- Fuel. We need it. Accordingly, everything is in play and anything can be done to acquire it.
How could you not realise all of this?
No wonder we get sick of you.
18 thoughts on “How Could You?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Dear HG, If you don‘t have a bad conscience and no sense of guilt, do you feel at least something like shame? And if even this is missing, it makes no sense at all to explain you something? Another question: do you feel handicapped?
See the book Your Fault.
Harleen Q
Thank you for your kind comments.
I have no reply button and I couldn’t reply at the correct part of the thread..so I’m replying here.
Yes.. I’m English.
You love the Brits and I love The Americans. Lol.
Ages ago a girl said to me once why don’t you take some time out from dating a couple of months she said..
anyone would think I was a serial dater.
I had just broken up with my second to last ex.
I wouldn’t jump straight in anyway.. but then I just became so comfortable that it became 5 years…no dating!.lol.
I read something you wrote on another thread as to what you would say to yourself..
A tremendous piece of writing and it resonated so much.
I wanted to throw my arms around you and give you a great big hug it would literally have been sisters In arms.
I like that post very much I found it comforting personally validating full of compassion and understanding.
I know it was about yourself but I felt as if I was reading about me too.
I hope we can both find what we’re looking for in time.
I’m sending you my love. Be well.
Find peace of heart sweetness xxx.
Over time he became so arrogant and ignorant. With his money, house, boat, Harley and car. And his big shit job. I would have rather walked home when he started acting stupid and talking smack. If I could have taken a pin and deflated his head.
YOUR KIND ARE MURDERERS . THIS POST OF YOURS SUMS IT ALL UP PERFECTLY . YOU SHOULD FIX YOUR SHIT BECAUSE YOU ARE HUMAN AND BEING THIS WAY SUCKS . FIX IT. THAT IS NO WAY TO WASTE YOUR LIFE . YOUR ATTITUDE IS SUPERIOR . TRY HARD TO NOT BE SO DISGUSTING . OUR KIND WANTS TO BEAT YOU SENSELESS AND WE HATE THAT FEELING .
Could you stop typing in all caps please? It feels like being shouted at. I realize you want to shout at H.G., but I don’t think you want to shout at everyone else reading the comments.
Also, narcissists can’t change. So you’re wasting your energy on this hate. May as well hate a hurricane. As the Klingons say, “the wind does not respect a fool.”
What happens when I cheat on, and leave you, with another?
Read the article Cheating On The Narcissist.
“How could you?” Hmmm
Because it was all a lie and you never cared anyway…
Because you only ever cared about yourself and how I made you feel and appear to others…
Because you can’t take accountability for your actions so you blame everyone else…
Because you have no sense of self you shit on everyone else that actually has any real personality or substance…
Because if you really looked at yourself you would hate what you see and implode…
Because you’re jealous of me…and hate me for everything you loved me for and we’re lacking…
Because you need me to feel less than you so that you can trap me and make me believe that you are the only person who would “put up” with me
Because you need drama and are always conveniently the victim…
Because you need to be in control….
Because you need to feel needed….
Because you want to make people dependent on you and then complain about how dependent they are….
Because your a fake and a fraud….
Here’s a good one …. because you know deep inside I’m better than you… and I’m better than this….
Hiya HQ
Well said.
The facts. 👍
Debbie wolf,
How are you? Clearly… it’s been awhile lol.
Hi Doc
Thanks for asking.
And how are you doing?
Nex stopped hoovering in June just gone. That was ages of a time to endure.
I’m ok. Ups and downs.
Definately over nex and the one before him who was ten times worse.
The 5 year gap inbetween them doesnt help. All such a waste of time. At least though I can honestly see really clearly things that were said and done by both of them. I can see the patterns now.
I still have a lot to learn.
Some days I’m really Rockin it as to feeling so much better.
Generally I am doing well.
There are just a few things I’m not handling very well sometimes.
It’s difficult.
As for you, you are out of your recent entanglement I read.. it just goes to show that we can be entangled time and time again no matter what we think. But we are learning as we go along and the more we land the shot of the durations and hopefully we can dodge better.
I hope you are feeling well.
We are strong women. Strong enough to be vulnerable. We are not afraid of our feelings or of expressing them.
It takes guts to express tender feelings for someone these days and fortitude to go on being who you really are in spite of abuse.
yesterday I read a post from a girl on another site who said ” I didn’t ask the right questions”.. she said I shouldn’t have been asking if I was being abused or if I was over sensitive or if I had imagined it…
she said I should have asked is this enhancing my life because that’s what relationships are for to enhance your life.
she said I should ask does he make me feel like shit everyday.
and she said that’s when she knew she should go.
or words to that effect.
the thing is we know all these things and we’ve read them a million times but sometimes we forget them and it’s good to be reminded. I needed to read her reminder.
Nex was not for me.. I made that decision and I have stood by it. I knew I felt terrible and I was becoming ill with it and I had to leave but I still have bits of grief about the dream we had the things we planned.
but I know I would never have been happy.
it’s only momentary.
it isn’t a deep-seated terrible void by far.
There are some great people on here too
HG helped a lot and the people here.
I think it is key to know that when you have an off day it will pass.
admittedly I’ve had a few off days lately…
lol.
Really at the end of the day there’s nothing anybody can do except just carry on.
I’m glad you escaped your latest in good time and recognised some stuff before it went too far, nevertheless a few months can still be a long time when it’s been intense. we can laugh and we can joke and we can be strong and present a good front of strength but often behind our eyes we are still hurting.
That’s the difference between people who can love and people who cannot.. we can love again properly. we don’t give up and we don’t resort to black tactics and black abuses.. I’m not saying all empaths are Angels vs the Black Knight …the white Knight all that… but what I am saying is when you are a loving person somebody who genuinely loves and cares .. then we are capable of continuing to love. however dramatic it may be for those who like to think they destroy our capacity to be what we are.
The truth is that they do not.
We can be vulnerable because we’re strong enough to exhibit it.
Haha Doc… perhaps I should have just said “pensive”… that’s how I am. lol.
Debbie,
I agree the eve turning you wrote and find it quite comforting. I’m glad to hear you’re doing okay and that you’re being so introspective. I had to reflect and look within myself as to why and how I got tangle tangled up with this latest loser. I’ve realized that each ex represented some kindness of weakness and vulnerability within myself and once I healed that piece of myself I improved as a person and didn’t make the same exact mistake again. I made a different mistake this time lol.
I totally get how this whole golden period throws people into total cognitive dissonance. The sad truth is that I have never been with someone who treated me thattttt amazing in the beginning so this one gave me a legit golden period where he catered to me and worshipped me. I saw so many signs and would laugh about it with him saying them out loud as nuts as that sounds. I pushed things aside and tried to explain them away giving him benefit of the doubt but never had the real luxury of true denial. I think I was riding the whole someone is being so amazing to me and isn’t it but possible someone could be that nice to me and what not….? Lol…
Everything turned so quickly so fast. He insisted on taking me to the Dominican Republic about two weeks ago and that’s when the real monster can eat out for the first time. He spent the entire time on his phone a d on the computer billing clients and talking to clients. It was as if I want even there. We didn’t do anything I wanted to do – not a single thing. I tried to have deeper conversations because I was getting bored and I disclosed I probably have some kind of low grade depression to which he responded “why would someone want to be with someone who is miserable and cant be happy” “depression is a choice”….
I couldn’t get over what I wasn’t hearing. He was telling me that I was pretty much unacceptable and the sheer stupidity flying out of his mouth irritated me too. I was thinking dude aren’t you a psychologist like me?? Depression isn’t choice! THen after that little hiccup the night before we went home he had a meltdown…. which I will write about in the next post…. everything was perfect up until that hiccup and the meltdown that happened on the trip….
HQ
I’m really sorry to hear about your holiday.. it is upsetting to be taken away and then they start triangulating you with equipment..
and then making sweeping statements out of Left Field like depression is a choice..
it’s really really weird when they’ve been really great to you when they suddenly come out with something horrible…with my ex he treated me like a queen when I met him I’ve never known anything quite as exaggerated..he even bought me a car after 4 weeks of going out with him and I didn’t accept it no no no I said but that’s another story I ended up accepting it..
anyway after 3 months he came out with some awful comment because I didn’t feel like having sex I was absolutely knackered and I’d had 2 hours sleep and I had to go to work..
he was sex mad constantly after it and I do like sex but I just could not believe the sulks if I had to take a rain check.. then made a horrible remark that implied that sex was all I was good for etc..
the guy was supposed to love me and it been professing that he wanted to marry me..
we did get engaged but it was a bit later on stupid me.
well at least I corrected it and called it off later..
I should have ended it there.. on that morning about not feeling like sex and yet and I didn’t.
nevertheless I made him suffer for a few days but it was a complete major preventative hoover.
I can’t believe how I talk these days with all these HG terminologies I’ve completely changed the way I speak as regards what all this is!!! I even use his terminologies in everyday life just silly things like accordingly and far from it.. but on a more serious note:
Its good to have a name for the things that go on.. so we can kind of file it.
I did go online for Ithink 6 days..l lel.. was talking to this guy who was so a narcissist posing with his car a man who owned his own company he did loads of the text book red flag stuff I ended up not meeting him and never went back online.
not to judge somebody unnecessarily but the things that he was saying it was so obvious…
I don’t do social media.
I like YouTube but that’s not social media as such.
I’ve done online dating in the past and it’s been ok but I just don’t want to go down that road now not with what I know.
I’m better at expressing myself in real life.
I prefer to see somebody’s face hear their tone of voice see their gestures and I like them to be able to see all of that in me.
there is too much misinterpretation in the printed word things are too misconstrued and that’s how things ended up with my ex because when I was trying to sort things out with my ex I was forced to only deal with him over a text or something which was ridiculous after we had been engaged excetera.
he wouldn’t face me.
but when I ended it he was at my door day and night for 2 years.
I had big thick curtains on so nobody could see me in the house I had to stay behind locked doors and gates etc
He constantly passed me on my way to and from work he was outside my place of work it’s gone on and on and on.
I want to talk …I want to see you… let’s talk this through like you’ve said I’ve realised I was wrong we need to talk this through.
I had practically pleaded with him to sort things and work things through when he wouldn’t take it and I said you don’t understand what you are doing here… you’re killing it … I’m switching off inside we’ve got to stop it we’ve got to sort this through…you’re taking the chance away .. I’m offering you the chance here to sort it..
I warned him.
They never believe it.
No he didn’t want to he preferred to sulk.
I could feel myself turning inside turning to the point of no return… I could feel myself sliding and I didn’t want to… I didn’t want to even go there I wanted to save things.
I reached the point of no return.
The rest is history.
I found myself here.
I couldn’t have done it without HG.
I take credit for my own self and actions it was me that didn’t open the door but there were many times when instead of engaging with my ex I had HG and he was saying no contact no contact.
This is redundant etc..
I’m not sure if my ex was a full-on narcissist but he did loads of the things so it’s very high up on the spectrum and I am convinced he is.
But like I said in my earlier post with what that girl had said about herself..to ask the questions which were really “am I happy” and as she said of her own situation “is this enhancing my life? and does he make me feel like shit every day?”
Makes a lot of sense.
The thing I hate most about words as they are things you look at on a page or hear in your ear… it’s great when you can take a hold of them and make them sure you up give you strength and learning.
But when it’s cold and it’s quiet and it’s dark ..all you have is yourself and you’ve just got to do this cold turkey… well some of us do HQ.
I don’t really mind the dark.
I can work through the pain.
I’m just a bit weary now.
I’m doing a self work trying to work out why I feel certain things and do particular things.
Sorry this is a bit long actually it wasn’t meant to be. x
Hey so I do know how horrible it is when you’re really on cloud nine and they say something really out of the blue especially when everything in the garden is rosy.
You know some people take a beautiful woman or a fabulous man and then put them through all this shit? I mean I’m not saying that everybody else is an angel but we are just trying to get along and live life.
Joanna kujath an Australian on YouTube she’s fantastic I’ve been following her for a couple of years and she just says amongst many things.. leave what no longer serves your life. and it’s the way she says it.
she’s an amazing empath.
I find the kindness and fabulousness of some empathic women to be so utterly cosseting and wonderful and I can’t fathom or come to terms with it in my mind’s eye of such a beautiful soul in front of someone who is being despicable towards them.
As in abused children animals etc..
as in a kind and sweet man in front of a horrible Bitch.
Anyway first remove the speck from thine own eye…. and kind of work out thine own salvation… all that comes to mind.
work out my own part in all of this.
The answers are there and the healing is only waiting for any of us to catch up. xx
HQ
I’m really sorry to hear about your holiday.. it is upsetting to be taken away and then they start triangulating you with equipment..
and then making sweeping statements out of Left Field like depression is a choice..
it’s really really weird when they’ve been really great to you when they suddenly come out with something horrible…with my ex he treated me like a queen when I met him I’ve never known anything quite as exaggerated..he even bought me a car after 4 weeks of going out with him and I didn’t accept it no no no I said but that’s another story I ended up accepting it..
Anyway after 3 months he came out with some awful comment because I didn’t feel like having sex I was absolutely knackered and I’d had 2 hours sleep and I had to go to work..
He was sex mad constantly after it and I do like sex but I just could not believe the sulks if I had to take a rain check.. then made a horrible remark that implied that sex was all I was good for etc..
the guy was supposed to love me and it been professing that he wanted to marry me..
We did get engaged but it was a bit later on stupid me.
Well at least I corrected it and called it off later..
I should have ended it there.. on that morning about not feeling like sex and yet and I didn’t.
Nevertheless I made him suffer for a few days but it was a complete major preventative hoover.
I can’t believe how I talk these days with all these HG terminologies I’ve completely changed the way I speak as regards what all this is!!! I even use his terminologies in everyday life just silly things like accordingly and far from it.. but on a more serious note:
Its good to have a name for the things that go on, so we can kind of file it.
I did go online for I think 6 days..l lel.. was talking to this guy who was so a narcissist posing with his car a man who owned his own company he did loads of the text book red flag stuff I ended up not meeting him and never went back online.
Not to judge somebody unnecessarily but the things that he was saying it was so obvious…
I don’t do social media.
I like YouTube but that’s not social media as such.
I’ve done online dating in the past and it’s been ok but I just don’t want to go down that road now not with what I know.
I’m better at expressing myself in real life.
I prefer to see somebody’s face hear their tone of voice see their gestures and I like them to be able to see all of that in me.
There is too much misinterpretation in the printed word things are too misconstrued and that’s how things ended up with my ex because when I was trying to sort things out with my ex I was forced to only deal with him over a text or something which was ridiculous after we had been engaged excetera.
He wouldn’t face me.
but when I ended it he was at my door day and night for 2 years.
I had big thick curtains on so nobody could see me in the house I had to stay behind locked doors and gates etc
He constantly passed me on my way to and from work he was outside my place of work it’s gone on and on and on.
I want to talk …I want to see you… let’s talk this through like you’ve said I’ve realised I was wrong we need to talk this through.
I had practically pleaded with him to sort things and work things through when he wouldn’t take it and I said you don’t understand what you are doing here… you’re killing it … I’m switching off inside we’ve got to stop it we’ve got to sort this through…you’re taking the chance away .. I’m offering you the chance here to sort it..
I warned him.
They never believe it.
No he didn’t want to he preferred to sulk.
I could feel myself turning inside turning to the point of no return… I could feel myself sliding and I didn’t want to… I didn’t want to even go there I wanted to save things.
I reached the point of no return.
The rest is history.
I found myself here.
I couldn’t have done it without HG.
I take credit for my own self and actions it was me that didn’t open the door but there were many times when instead of engaging with my ex I had HG and he was saying no contact no contact.
This is redundant etc..
I’m not sure if my ex was a full-on narcissist but he did loads of the things so it’s very high up on the spectrum and I am convinced he is.
But like I said in my earlier post with what that girl had said about herself..to ask the questions which were really “am I happy” and as she said of her own situation “is this enhancing my life? and does he make me feel like shit every day?”
Makes a lot of sense.
The thing I hate most about words as they are things you look at on a page or hear in your ear… it’s great when you can take a hold of them and make them sure you up give you strength and learning.
But when it’s cold and it’s quiet and it’s dark ..all you have is yourself and you’ve just got to do this cold turkey… well some of us do HQ.
I don’t really mind the dark.
I can work through the pain.
I’m just a bit weary now.
I’m doing a self work trying to work out why I feel certain things and do particular things.
Sorry this is a bit long actually it wasn’t meant to be. x
Hey so I do know how horrible it is when you’re really on cloud nine and they say something really out of the blue especially when everything in the garden is rosy.
You know some people take a beautiful woman or a fabulous man and then put them through all this shit? I mean I’m not saying that everybody else is an angel but we are just trying to get along and live life.
Joanna kujath an Australian on YouTube she’s fantastic I’ve been following her for a couple of years and she just says amongst many things.. leave what no longer serves your life. and it’s the way she says it.
she’s an amazing empath.
I find the kindness and fabulousness of some empathic women to be so utterly cosseting and wonderful and I can’t fathom or come to terms with it in my mind’s eye of such a beautiful soul in front of someone who is being despicable towards them.
As in abused children animals etc..
as in a kind and sweet man in front of a horrible Bitch.
Anyway first remove the speck from thine own eye…. and kind of work out thine own salvation… all that comes to mind.
work out my own part in all of this.
The answers are there and the healing is only waiting for any of us to catch up. xx
Debbiewolf,
Have you been dating? I promised myself this time I wouldn’t let this shit show set me back.
HQ
No. I went on one date months ago now with a guy from the RNLI or so I thought that’s the life boat rescue.
it was kind of a blind date kind of through I work contact… the guy was about 70 years old! no I didn’t know lol… he had dealings with the RNLI but he wasn’t one of the lifeboat fellas.
there’s nothing wrong with an older man I don’t think you can always go by age these days people are younger than they used to be but this guy was very thin and frail.
A very nice man but that wasn’t going to work..
It reminds me of years ago I went to a town called Bradford for a night out a weird place to go but never the less I was going with the group of people somebody set me up with somebody.. when the guy turned up he was a kosovan and he was 70 and I was 28!
I’m sure people think it’s funny when I turn up all glammed up and they try and fix me up with pensioners?
I mean I’m not 28 now, I’m older but still.
I keep thinking it’s 3 years since I’ve been on my own now but it isn’t it’s 2… because the previous year was on and off up and down you know how it goes..
Sometimes I really want to get back out there and then I don’t.
Sometimes I’m prone to force an issue so I should be good at making myself go out a bit more .. but I don’t think I’m ready.
I believe in pushing yourself a little bit but I think forcing the issue is probably the wrong decision.
DebbieWolf,
That story about the 70 year old is crazy lmao! I’m glad you are getting through everything and yes there are days that are easy and other days that are more difficult. You are a strong and compassionate person with a lot of character – any man would be very lucky to have you. I never noticed it before but you’re a brit! I love it! I’m sure I’ve mentioned my love for british people and well british men lol. What’s really hilarious is that I find those random brits hiding in new york somehow.
My whole experience feels so surreal. It honestly feels like some kind of strange dream – well…nightmare lol. I think what gets me the most is that I took 2 years off of dating and I put myself out there and with another damn psychologist might i add lol and behold the shit storm.