The 5 Fears of the Narcissist
1. You will leave
You are our primary source of fuel, our life giver and without this precious fuel we are thrown into chaos, impending oblivion on the horizon. You signed an unwritten contract to supply us with potent and delicious fuel until we decide to the contrary. It is our decision. It is not yours. We know what we do to you, the repeated push and pull, the games, the abuse and whilst we rely on our significant powers of manipulation and your near indefatigable desire to heal, hang in there and make things work, there is always that slight doubt that perhaps this time we have gone too far? There is an iota of concern that this is the occasion where you put the pieces together and realise what you are dealing with and therefore you decide to escape us. Leaving us when we have not ensured your replacement is in place or that he or she is working to maximum efficiency places us in peril. If you leave our fuel supply has been fractured, maybe even cut off. If you leave you have wrested control away from us and this is not something that can ever countenance. If you leave you are telling us that we are not the superior being we maintain that we are, you are pouring scorn on our might and undermining our magnificence.
2. I am ignored
There are those for whom the spotlight of attention causes them to flush with embarrassment, that searing heat which makes them feel uncomfortable. That is not the case for us. Its light brings us warmth and power. We need the spotlight like plants need the sun. We bask in its brilliant blazing light and revel in the attention that comes with it as we drink deep of the fuel that is provided. Should you ever move that spotlight away from us, the icy chill of the cruel and desolate world we have been placed in becomes all too real and this wounds us. The removal of the light of attention criticises us and strikes at our core. All eyes should be directed on us, ears should be pinned back in appreciative listening of our oratory, attention should be focused on us. It is about us, not you. Whether it is just you or I, a group of friends in a bar,a family gathering or in a meeting, everyone should know that we are there and they should be reacting to our presence. We do not care how that reaction comes so long as it is laden with emotion. If you ignore us you are telling us that we are worthless and that takes us to a place that we have consigned in the depths of our minds. Never ignore us, we cannot stand for that to happen.
3. I am exposed
Whether it is the unmasking of me as a narcissist or the revelation of my abusive machinations when you do not know fully what you have become entangled with, the fear of exposure lurks within us. Of course we will react and fight against it, of course we will deny, deflect and withdraw from your treacherous behaviour in telling the world what we are. We will paint you as a liar, a crazy person and a fantasist even though, for those of us who are aware enough, the words you issue are arrows of truth that rain down upon us tearing and wounding. Whether it is exposure in terms of you, as a primary source, telling us what we are or the wider unmasking to our carefully constructed façade, we fear this happening because it hurts us, it burns and it wounds. We will fight back, we will seek our retribution against you for this most heinous act but this requires precious energy which we would much rather use in a more productive way. In the worst of cases, your revelations force us to new hunting grounds which means we must re-build our twisted empire afresh. It will rise again but we would rather not endure the agony that this entails or the effort required.
4. I grow weary
I come as a god to walk this earth, a colossus astride this planet, leading and forging ahead as my massed ranks of admirers watch on in awe and wonder. I am omnipotent, immortal and unstoppable, my power endless as I seduce, abuse and recycle. There is so much fuel to drink up and I will never stop. Yet, occasionally that scintilla of concern manifests. What if I were to lose my powers? What if the ability to seduce started to wane? What if I lost the appetite to abuse and slay? What if I said the unsayable and admitted that I am tired of this endless routine? What if I no longer had the hunger or desire to stalk my hunting grounds and wanted an end? What if I wanted to remove my demagogue’s crown and vacate the throne, my appetite diminished and senses dulled? What would I do then? I soon shake off these terrible considerations but they remain in the shadows, occasionally calling to me. I dispel them as quickly as the manifest but still they come every once in a while.
5. The creature escapes
What if as a consequence of all the above I can no longer keep the craven creature within the prison that I have constructed for it? What if one day it is able to breach the walls and emerge from the depths of is incarceration so that it surfaces, hissing and tormenting me, its once whispered threats becoming a reality. What if it takes me to the edge of the abyss and forces me to look into the great void, oblivion just a step away, the howling winds of desolation whipping around me. Sometimes and it is a rare occurrence, but when all is still and dark this thought forms in my vast mind, this awful, terrible thought as I feel the craven creature’s clawed hand against my back, ready to shove me over the edge……..
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So HG, these are your only fears? You don’t fear the same things as we do? 🤯
Fots,
This makes sense because you feel it. We associate our feelings to things quite easily. It’s human to do this when we are grappling to understand what is happening in our internal world.
It is likely that the void you feel is heartache, it may be the feeling that you are stuck, that you can not fill yourself with other emotions or generate more as they are being drained from you by him and his treatment of you.
You know your not a narcissist, what is written here can resonate because a human being wrote it. Anyone can relate to something that they read because they read it through there own lens and process it as such. When it comes to this writing style and the section that you have highlighted, it’s absolutely open for people to feel and respond to their internal emotions and thoughts.
You may feel you have a creature, again through interpretation. The creature is HG ‘ s chossen way of describing a part of his internal self, to give it a kind of form which then enables him to describe its effect, and to be more able to describe what he needs to do to evade it, and confine it.
Your creature may be An internal critical voice, self doubt, uncertainty, sorrow. It could be just what is felt that you do not want to feel.
Giving the internal world labels and descriptors helps the writer give context for the reader to try and understand a particular perspective.
How something is read and interpreted is individual and is based in , and is often a reflection of the individuals current internal state.
How you have read and interpreted this article and picking up an emotional response to the section you have highlighted, may be a reflection of feeling stuck, feeling like you are at a precipice of life, stuck between pain and pain, uncertain of which pain feels worse – which is more tolerable? It may be that you are sticking with the known pain of remaining attached to him as the unknown pain of walking away is just that, it’s unknown.
We fear the unknown. But sometimes the unknown brings the most meaning, if you feel brave enough to step into it.
Fots, people feel your expressions of pain and uncertainty, they respond to you so you know your not alone in this; but all do so with a hope that you eventually choose the unknown. In the knowledge that the unknown can potentially bring you more. It may bring you to another relationship that is fulfilling and not draining you of you.
It would also give you back you, it would help you value you and love you.
All the advise given to you here is done out of care, and a hope that you see that you are important and deserving of something more then what you have.
A step into the unknown takes courage, but you won’t regret it as it will very likely take you somewhere beautiful- and it will give you something even more important- it will give you – you.
Quasi, that was a beautiful response to FOTS. You certainly have a way with words. Your kindness comes through so clearly. Even in all of your own pain, your desire to support others is still strong.
Quasi,
“stuck between pain and pain, uncertain of which pain feels worse – which is more tolerable? It may be that you are sticking with the known pain of remaining attached to him as the unknown pain of walking away”
I clipped your paragraph a little bit to highlight the words that stuck out to me, but yes, the above pretty much summarizes it. It is the tolerability of the current and the fear of the unknown.
FOTS..
Know your worth.
I know what you fear, the unknown can be terrifying, there are so many variables, what could happen, what could go wrong, how bad will I feel, what if I fail, what if I’m not enough.
The thing is with the known – what you know will not change, in your situation you know his patterns, behaviours, you can probably predict his next moves. You are an intelligent young woman, you know many of the answer, as you have worked him out really. The main truth of the known that will not change is that he is a narcissist,
and his defence mechanism will not allow him to change.
So what you know will not change, The known will be no different except more ingrained and harder to move away from. It will never be different to how it is now.
Avoiding what we fear is a safety behaviour, we believe it will protect us if we do not face it, we will not feel the fear.
However the fear just manifests in other ways, and It grows.
It is fundamentally human to choose what is known.
But sometimes what is known is based in core beliefs that are guiding you to see others as more important then you see yourself.
FOTS, you have shown a strength in sharing yourself here, in the knowledge that people will advise and encourage you to leave the relationship and go NC.
You know this so I’m not going to preach to you, I did not respond to you to preach about what I think you should do.
I responded to you to try and normalise the fact that what you see and feel is your truth. The things that resonated with you in this article may be steming from your internal world telling you it’s not ok.
I also responded to you to say that if you do decide to step into the unknown – you have a bunch of empaths here rooting for you ! If you do not, you have a bunch of empaths here to hear you. X
FOTS,
Fear of the unknown keeps many people stuck in various situations. I am currently working on stepping out into the unknown but it is very frightening and I fear that taking that step may make my situation worse for me. Conversely, it could make things better in the long run.
Pale Horse
Don’t be afraid. Step into the chaos, that is where you will find order and balance. Yin and yang.
My daughter’s father is an Upper Midrange Elite. He is approaching 50 years old (I am 33). I know he is dwelling on this milestone because out of nowhere, he always has to redundantly mention everyone’s age as if it’s their IQ level. Yesterday, he text me to say that our daughters specialist dr called to say that they needed a referral from the Primary Care Doctor before her next appointment today or else her appointment would be canceled. He said it was all my fault for not arranging this to happen. I sent him the text that showed that he picked up the referral 2.5 months ago and he would handle it. Then he claimed it must of been misplaced. Even though it wasn’t my problem, I didnt want my daughter to be affected by his issues, so I said I would arrange a new referral to be faxed over. While I am on the phone with the specialist’s office manager to fax over the referral, she says, “oh. Your daughter’s father called and said he found the referral and will bring it by.” I hung up the phone and text him to make sure he brings the paper even though they faxed a new one. I was very polite and business tone with him. He then text, “Of course I had to call them. I dont trust you, and you would probably mess up the task anyways.” I then responded, “you are very much displaying signs of dementia by getting confused, losing things, and then becoming paranoid by those that help you. I’m concerned.”
That was like throwing water on the Wicked Witch of the West. His destiny and biggest fear was mentioned without emotion.
Bravo! Anm. Turn the gaslighting around to insinuate he’s losing HIS mind. Way to attack the pillars. You make HGU proud!
Because there is a child involved, and this narcissist is particularly malign, I think that HG would tell me to not do or say anything to unleash the fury. But occasionally, I can’t help but remind narcissist that they are fading and mortal beings.
That was epic Anm.
Anm
Good comeback in the “You’d probably mess it up” comment!
I originally was NOT going to comment on this article but #5 has stuck a chord with me and I am feeling restless by not sharing my thought. The part that struck me was, specifically this sentence:
“What if it takes me to the edge of the abyss and forces me to look into the great void, oblivion just a step away, the howling winds of desolation whipping around me.”
I know this was written from your (the narc’s perspective) but you have accurately described my perspective here as well. Now, I am fairly certain that I am not a narc (at least I hope I am not) but that sentences above fully summarizes how I feel. When my MRN is absent, ghosting me and ignoring me and so on I feel like I am at the edge of the abyss. I feel a vast void. I feel like I am falling into that chasm so to say. This is why I continue to engage with him because as painful as this is I know if I were to cut him off, block him, etc. and never associate with him ever again that I feel like I would be plunged over this cliff. The “creature” HG talks about with it’s clawing and taunting. I sometimes like I have my own creature that I keep away by engaging with my “Saint Piano” MRN.
Also 2 could apply here as well, fear of being ignored by him (which I am currently stuck in what is almost a 2 week ghosting period)
I know this will probably makes no sense to anyone and I realize I am probably going to get a slew of comments about how it makes no sense so I am prepared for that. I am just sharing the thoughts as they swirl around in my head. And I hope I am not some damn narc for feeling like I have my own creature within.
FOTS, it is a real addiction that you have to him. You are suffering withdrawal. You are not a narcissist sweet girl. Use this time on the shelf reading and building logic defenses. (I recommend ‘Exorcism’ for you.) The addiction must be purged. HG lays out how to do that in that book.
He does not care about you or he wouldn’t hurt you like this. Do you think he is pining for you? No he is not.
The logic is that he hurts you and he does not care that he does so. Repeat to yourself: “he hurts me, he does not care about me, he cannot change”.
I wish you the best. It’s damn hard, but the time has come to rid your life of his toxicity. You deserve to feel good. You’ve wasted too many tears on this person that wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. Your love is real, it always has been. But he will never feel it and he will never reciprocate. Even if he starts talking to you again (you get the fix), you will feel good temporarily until he withdraws his attention and knocks you from the pedestal into the dirt of despair once again. You will start over. You’ve had a two week headstart. Use it to break the habit. You can do it. Nobody puts Gabby in the corner!
Exactly. This is classic addiction and withdrawl. I pray he completely discards you but my fear is he won’t because you are DLS
I think part of the problem is that while you cognitively know what he is you have not accepted it emotionally because your addiction prevents you from accepting it.
How you are living is not better than the unknown. Please discard him before he does it to you. You have no future of any kind with this man. None. The only thing you gave to look forward to with him is more pain
The void is relatable and very relevant to point out. I don’t want to say the wrong thing because it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to give him up, but think of what he’s doing right now. He’s not sitting at home missing anyone. I know it’s hard, but since you’ve already started withdrawal symptoms, this could be a good time to kick your addiction to him. But even if you’re not ready, that’s ok, but get out anyway and hang out with other people just so you don’t have to face the void. And you’re probably not a narc because you wouldn’t care about him if you were, you’d be out getting fuel wherever you could get it.
HG, is this correct?
Dear HG, I didn’t mean to pull you into my comment, I was just concerned about Fots safety, and I didn’t want to say anything wrong. I couldn’t see any of the other wonderful comments posted yet when I wrote this reply.
Not a problem.
In essence, yes.
Having grown up with a narc father, I can see the creature being unleashed due to the fact that he is terminally ill. He still gets a lot of fuel by my mother- who has always been the epitome of Doormat – yet it’s not enough to keep the creature contained. Physical deterioration and approaching death are forcing him to the brink of two major abysses- the one that follows the end of physical existence and the one that had always lurked within him, painstakingly hidden behind his ideas of grandiosity and his constant receiving of fuel from mistresses and coterie. Well, I guess this party is over…
That last one seems terrifying; I’m sorry!
Would a narcissist turn down a chance in the spotlight for work/career? If so, considering fear #2, why?
I what way, do you mean a narcissist would turn down a chance in the spotlight for their work or career, could you provide an example?
I’m sorry. For example the person is leaving a job going onto another. There are going away functions such as a lunch or gathering to say “thank you” and “you are amazing and did great things while you were here” and there are speeches. When this person was asked about what kind of going away he wanted, he declined it altogether. A surprise one was thrown for him but the decline doesn’t make sense considering fear #2.
HG, please explain what is the Craven Creature?
HG do you ever contemplate to open your heart knowing you could feel something new? You of all people know you will be able to resurrect when you get deeply hurt … are you strong and curious enough to try to be vulnerable?
I cannot feel something new.
The narcissist denial to his or her mortality is the equivalent to our denial to our demise at their hands.
They keep draining fuel to satisfy the lack of self love.
We keep giving fuel to satisfy the lack of self love.
They don’t want to heal because they deny the wound.
We keep trying to heal them because they are wounded.
They keep hurting us repeatedly
And we justify our allowance
Our wound becomes their wound that finds satisfaction in wounding us
Misery likes company
We love them deeply
They hate us deeply
So we love them more and unconditionally
Because there are no conditions with the narcissist. His condition is that it must be unconditional.
So unconditional it is, isn’t it?
We drown them with fuel so we don’t drown ourselves without them.
We can’t imagine life without them.
We don’t exist in theirs
If there is a moment of lucidity somewhere in time during the relationship it is really just a glance. Not a moment.
They bleed somewhere. They hemorrhage somewhere and it is a big cut in the fabric of their being. It is deep. It is hidden.
It sabotages them and their energy storage. But they don’t want to go down to their core and fix it because it is scary…. and painful. Why fix what is not broken? Why fix it if I manage to not feel it? Numbness. Paralysis. So they don’t navigate in life. They sit and Hoover.
They buy fuel in a strip club. They cheat to get fuel with a married someone. They prostitute themselves giving sex for fuel. When the hunger hits, they will eat rotten and drink from the life sewers. When starvation crunches the stomach, they will fight the street dogs for leftover of consumed food.
Anything will do when supply is short.
Anything will do when our supply from them is short. We will look for them in the rotten, in the sewers of life.
We want their fuel.
Anything HAS TO DO FOR BOTH OF US, when we are hungry; when we are depleted, when we need our fix.
So, stop the bullshit and let’s get together. Let’s not fly off the handle. Let’s not cry and scream for each other and demand from lesser people what we can get from each other, right here, right now.
Narcissist, you be my whore.
I will be your property.
Because that is how we “love”. Symbiotic needs. Fucking is making love to us.
If I ask you you, you fuck me.
If you fuck me, I feed you fuel. Because you fed mine.
If ask, you tell me that you miss me, make me believe it is true.
What matters is that I get that from you.
Yes, you will cease to exist without me and a piece of me will cease to exist without you.
It is not about forgiveness. It is about addiction.
The narcissist is my opposite polar. Just his mere existence is a Hoover.
I gravitated around his broken spaceship. Being pulled it and spat out.
Now I am being pulled away from him.
A different “hoover”.
One that it is setting me free: knowledge.
It is not steamy hot sex. It is cold and honest truth.
Bravo 👏🏻
Beautifully put and written.
‘We can’t imagine life without them, and we don’t exist in theirs.’
THIS!! Drives no contact and maintains it!
It is ironic though how the top 2 fears are things wielded against victims.
The mentality of knowing something is awful and doing it on purpose for the sake of it to hurt someone..
Words fail and continue to fail.
Even just the respect of simple decency and fair play..all absent continually.
When taking emotions out of it .. or worse, have them drained.. you can see clearly the redundancy of the individuals wielding cruelty.
The irony is the narcissist brings being left and ignored upon himself/herself.
To perpetuate upon somebody else the actions of the exact things feared and abhored for themselves, is to carry out things that the narcissist has no respect for anyway.
To be, to act, to inflict the very things despised is to despise oneself.
When someone despises themselves they will never trust your love.
They will think something is wrong with you because you love them, they will think you are faulty before you even begin.
You can never prove your worth to someone who ultimately and deep down believes that they themselves are worthless. Its too nsecure.
You can build them up untll the cows come home but at the end of the day as pointed out here on this site by HG himself is that a lot of them are laughing at you for it.
Smug and arrogant and cruel as soon as they decide to be.
it is terribly ugly.
it can make the most beautiful woman or the most handsome man look terribly ugly.
An empath can see ugliness once they accept the ugly personality.
It takes the beauty and the handsome looks away.
Perhaps that is why some of them pick on the way you look… when most people would find you attractive they will point something out that they say isn’t.
That is a good example of a narcissist not mirroring you… but instead is looking in the mirror at themselves knowing what they are inside.
Oh yes the lessers and the mid-rangers don’t know what they are but they know the deep down unease of varying intensities.
They do not all walk around thinking they are a god thinking they are gorgeous thinking they are wonderful very far from it whether they know what they are or not.
We can feel sorry for them, or we can do something else and not waste our time.
It is a bitter pill to swallow.
Nevermind, there is something else on the horizon that tastes better once you stop biting into the illusions.
Mark my words and believe me.
Because isn’t time short?
Wasting my time and yours is the worst theft of all.
Regroup.
Your energy belongs to you.
Your physical body belongs to you..
and last but so very not least..
your mental health belongs to you, is your right to have and nobody has the right to psychologically (or otherwise) rape and pillage another.
Here are some words from one of my favourite songs:
from The Perfect Storm…
“Forever Yours”
🎵Here some wings,
They’re yours forever,
And here’s some dreams,
That will come true,
Take these tears, to wash away your sorrows,
Tomorrow still holds out its hands to you.🎵
Because it really really does,
“tomorrow still holds out it’s hands to you”
🐾
# 6. The empath recovers.
HG, is it because of these 5 fears that you go to therapy? I have read your book Fuel, in which you said narcs are addicted to fuel and do not want to stop the way you live. Then why did you decide/agree to have therapy?
Hello Vera, no it is not. As for the reasons see the About section.
Thanks HG. I found your articles and books very informative. Nice work!
You are welcome Vera, do keep reading.
‘Never ignore us’
That’s exactly what I’m doing!
He hacked my email account, now he’s trying to change passwords as I received an email notification about it.
He’s also signed me up to an Adult Dating website – I got notification of that too.
He’s fucking me off now. It’s easier to get over if he just stops hovering me. I need – for my sanity – to cleanse this guy from my soul!
He wants my fuel. He’s not getting it.
Hold on, Presque Vu. He is getting Thought Fuel from this but if you keep ignoring his hoovers and do not contact him, he will reduce them and, if you are lucky, he will stop doing it.
Presque Vu,
Yes, what a dick. Mine has done similar things. He got me bad, but we’re winners! You’re strong and can check mate his sorry ass.
The vividness of the horror you feel at the thought of the creature’s escape made me feel sorry for you, and I don’t think that was an intentional provocation on your part. The knowledge of what you are, what you are missing, must be so awful to contemplate that I almost understand why you do what you do.
But, then again, I may not be reading those thoughts as yours, H.G, but projecting them onto my personal narcissist. If I can feel sorry for him in some way then I can excuse his behaviour – and there you have the hook that keeps the fuel supply who is aware of what she is dealing with in place. The sympathy for the unsympathetic, the hope of making him better, of healing the void and chasing the creature away so he can be a real person at last.
You can’t heal a narc. No one is that powerful. Maybe someday therapists will figure something out, like they figured out a good way to treat (not cure) Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD was always more accessible to treatment, though, because most people with BPD have empathy. Imo even sociopathy’s more accessible to treatment than narcissism, because logic can get through to at least some sociopaths, and they can understand that treating others well will get them more than treating others badly.
None of that works on narcs. As H.G. says over and over again, all they care about is fuel. All they care about is parasitizing us. Plenty of people have dark sides that terrify them, mental and emotional pain, and physical situations that are utter nightmares. Wasting your time and energy on a narc after you know what they are is wrong.
I can understand what they feel. After reading HG’s explanations, I can put myself in that place. I can see the emptiness that exists if the creature comes out, the facade cracks open and there you have it. It is being stripped of yourself to find the horror. And now what? Illusions are gone. The construe is gone. An immense crafted built idealized castle falling apart quickly disappearing into nothing. Emptiness. Hollowness. Coldness. Abandonment. Meaningless.
What is left of me then? Nothingness? Solitude and loneliness and a sense of non-existence, no identity. No fuel. It is like being “shrunk” into this little thing, from this grandiose self, this inflated ego that occupies that emptiness. If that is gone then what do we have? This little wound person, powerless, vulnerable? Or nothing?
I saw with my mid ranger this realization. He would from time to time glance into what I just described. I saw the panic on his face. His hand grabbed mine. His eyes on mine. Comfort me! Pretty much like a child asking for comfort. It was in those moments, I had visions popping in my mind. Racing fast in my mind. Images of the abuses he suffered. He tense up and ask me:” what’s wrong? You have this blank expression.”
I would say “nothing”.
I knew he was broken. And I was afraid to understand what he had built to protect that boy within.
Do you guys remember the movie, The Cell?
Jennifer Lopez gets into the mind of this psychopath and try to understand what happened so she can access the wounded child and save someone’s life?
That was me. I saw what happened. The beatings with the belt, the metal part of the belt. The constant violent put downs. Abandonment. Neglect. Constant.
One time I told him what I saw. He moved nervously. He was not comfortable talking about it. The pain I felt in those split moments in his conscience was palpable. I felt physical pain traveling through my body. Then he would close up quickly.
That is why I stayed. I tried to rescue the boy. But the man tried to destroy me. And then other variables come into place when they purposefully choose to hurt people to compensate. The hate they feel thinking that we have it better than they have.
The same things attracted them to us are the things they hate.
What we experience with them are the symptoms. The illness is hidden deep within.
As it is ours.
This is an eternal battle that it is not resolved in one life.
The narcissist would have to want the change. Without that consent it is nearly impossible to access them within. And to do that they would have to see and believe on the gains. Why change what is working for them now?
Short term victory that bring long term losses.
And that’s why they refute God. Because they have to humble themselves facing a supreme being.
That’s why they don’t believe in Karma. They don’t face consequences. They face no responsibility.
Denial
That’s when negative spirits find in them a good home. The evil within.
That’s when they spend lives into this cycle until something happens.
Nothing lasts forever. Nothing.
My two scents…
Kathy Mor,
So much of what you said resonated with me. One time I asked my MRN why he ghosts me and pushes me away and he said that I am “too intense” for him. He said my “intensity” causes him to push me away. He was not able to give any further explanation other than “when the intensity affects me the way it does it is an ugly thing that you do not want to see” … I challenged him and said “well maybe you should show me so I can help you”. Him: “How do you expect me to do that?”
So fucking eerie.
“Thus is an eternal battle that is not resolved in one life.”
I got the strong sense when I met my N that we had met in a previous life where I was male and he was female. I really felt that loving him was my purpose in life and that together we could learn the lessons we needed to in this life in order to advance. I mean, this was knowledge that filled me. It’s hard to explain and I know it sounds crazy. I know nothing about reincarnation or Buddhism or anything like that. I am not at all religious. None of this came from him, either. I know the Narc creates a persona to draw in their target but can the bond felt be that strong, immediate and soul deep? Was all of this wishful thinking? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am addicted to him and, like any addiction, it is bad for me. I’ve been NC for 4 days now and I have supportive people around me encouraging me to leave him behind. But I still feel that bond, umbilical-like, chaining me to him. I hope I can stay mentally strong and keep to No Contact.
Yes, yes yes yes!!! Ignoring your kind is a sin, bigger than confronting you…
I also noticed that your kind get a little shaken up if they see they don’t have the same effect on their victims, it’s like throwing holy water to a demon!!!
😂🙌🏽
BlueFalcon
HG
What is this creature you speak of? You are a smart guy cognitively you have to know there is no creature. It’s in your mind. It doesn’t exist.
Do you mean creature as in an unfathomable ugliness and darkness or do you mean in a literal sense? I never understand this creature thing.
Honestly I never get this whole thing. You think you are not capable of love but you are you’ve just buried it all so deeply that it’s as if it doesn’t exist because someone in your childhood hurt you badly.
And on a separate note do you think you are developing a bit of empathy ? Because I seem to see it in some of your responses and I’m wondering if that is my imagination or perhaps your therapy is having some effect ?
Re:’It’s in your mind. It doesn’t exist.’
It does exists.
No it doesn’t. No “creature” is going to come flying out of his mouth
It’s a mental state
Wrong Lori.
Personality refers to the long-standing traits and patterns that propel individuals to consistently think, feel, and behave in specific ways. NPD is a disorder not a mental illness/state.
Did you write this comment on Love is a Taught Construct?
Lori
MAY 18, 2018 AT 07:13
While we may see the issue quite clearly and think why can’t they just overcome this childhood issue in therapy? They cannot because this is not a mental illness that came over them like a cloak of darkness one day. Nope this is woven into their personality. To try to undo it, would literally be undoing them. They would deconstruct. It’s every fiber of their being. Their true self no longer exists which is why no amount of therapy will cure them. You cant heal an inner child that is dead.
Being a Codependent, I sort of get it. I can cognitively know that I’m dysfunctional at times, but still fail to do anything about it. Mr. Lesser of mine is aware that something isn’t quite right with him but is not willing to do anything about it. After awhile, your dysfunction becomes comfortable to you.
So yeah I kind of get why what seems so curable isn’t curable. The child that needs healing no longer exists they were replaced by a false self
https://narcsite.com/2018/05/17/love-is-a-taught-construct-6/
I have to agree NPD is a mental illness. And I think possibly inherited to some degree, I say this having both traits leaning towards empathy.
Mine is brought on by a torturous childhood. Also, to back up the mental illness thing is that with having mental issues, diagnosis can criss cross each other.
Medication may help a narcissist to some degree, from what I understand help symptoms very little or not at all. Talk therapy helps for a while, but then there’s only so much to talk about without repeating oneself and keeping any form of healing from budding. However, I do believe things like EMDR would help, not cure a narcissist. It might help desensitize some of the childhood traumas. But it’s not an easy therapy and more than likely cause a narcissist to lash out in heated fury. I had to buy another tennis racket because i broke the last one pounding it on my bed. I have been so full of my own fury at times ive demolished my apartment 10 times over and more. And have punched people in the face. There’s also a therapy to stimulate the frontal lobes of the brain that I rarely use and the narcissists never use from my understanding. That would probably help the best, and after a long while of therapy like these, it may help bring some relief. This is only a personal opinion and everyone can take it or leave it.
It would be great to see people heal. But not everyone wants to. Control and power are very hard to even try and want to give up.
I want to. I have to because my life has been a mess and still is. My own empathy rarely is empathetic to my narcissistic side. But that’s a different mental illness.
HG, if you read this thread, I’d love to know what you think???
We need you here on this one.
I haven’t read any of the books but since I know Narcs can be quite literal I was thinking what freakin creature ? No serpent like animal is gonna fly out of him but I see now you mean like a very ugly sadistic side of you that people will see. Ok I can get my mind around that.
It is very sad that what is curable for them is essentially not curable because the dysfunction in and of itself prevents it. No amount of telling them the shit that happened to them as a child wasn’t their fault will change their behavior pattern. When you have been doing this since you were a child you don’t know any other way to be so of course you are going to say it works just fine for you cause you don’t know any different
The creature, how I understand it, is everything the narcissist does not want to think of. A hellish place, a nightmare. Bad memories, fears, shame. And maybe the realisation that he is is not as grandiose as he wants everyone to think he is. Dissociation is more safe and comfortable. But, that’s just what I think of when I read about the creature. HG knows better.
Lori
If you want to understand more about the Creature read Fury and Fuel. There is a Creature and it is real and HG is categorically incapable of love or empathy. Don’t mistake the cognitive empathy that you perceive in his comments as real empathy. No amount of therapy can inject a narcissist with empathy; it is a fixed condition.
Hello K,
Well put. Just to add that HG said he was writing a new book called The Creature. It is still in process.
Hello E. B. and thank you
Yes, I am waiting with bated breath for the release of The Creature.
Hi K,
I can’t find Fury and Fuel anywhere. Please tell me about the creature.
They are books, available on Amazon.
Kelly
My understanding, so far, is that The Creature is the sadistic Superego which was fostered by the abusive parent(s), caretakers, etc., essentially, it is the critical inner voice that the narcissist hears; it was put there by his/her abusers.
The construct (false self) is created to imprison The Creature and keep it quiet, also, the construct is used to gather fuel and that is why the facade must never, ever be damaged in any way (whiter than white). The false self protects the narcissist from life’s shocks, stresses, and criticisms.
I hope this helps you.
K
Your comment on the superego and my brain on caffeine, racing thoughts yet the article i read not to long ago on MRIs showing a thinning of grey matter in the brain where emotional empathy showing a reason why some people do not have empathy. It is like the perfect storm….
I was also reading an article that was stating ancestral memories are encoded into our DNA which would make sense why not only they yet empaths react/respond in very similar ways.
I have yet to find facts on the memories within our DNA only read the one article, it just makes sense from observation of people, some that were not raised by the biological parent or had any contact yet has very similar reactions/responses.
Twilight
That makes a lot of sense. I read that we have memory so we do not repeat mistakes and it has something to do with survival and is encoded into our DNA. Some people are born without any empathy and some never develop it because of abuse. It is a fascinating and complex subject.
K
I have been reading on this today. The studies they have done on mice have shown this to happen.
I wonder if this is why people would have a belief of reincarnation due to remembering “memories” and not something they actually lived.
This would also re enforce why some have irrational fears. Not to mention learning to fear something by mimicking your caretaker and picking up on their fear.
You are right it is fascinating and complex subject that one thinks they hit an end only to discover a curve or a twist.
Hi K, that does help, though it’s all so hard to understand. No wonder narcissist seem to be a constant contradiction. His superego is warped from the conscience & empathy that it’s supposed to be, into some evil tormentor. Thank you very much. I’ll have to read the books you suggested too.
My pleasure Kelly
Indeed, they are a contradiction and it is very difficult to understand but the more you read the easier it becomes. Because he lacks a conscience and empathy, he is able to protect himself, however, that means he abuses the people around him. Narcissism is essentially a self-defence mechanism that affects their entire personality. It really is woven into them.
And so in public, in front of other people, their parents praised them and bragged on them, but at home their parents criticized, ignored them, and set them up on too hard of standards, and weren’t warm and comforting.
Kelly
Ha, ha! Public praise, but ignore and criticize at home. Sounds like my parents! I guess narc parents are always similar, but the children don’t always end up narcs.
And maybe their parents expected them to be like little grownups too thinking they were smart enough to handle things on their own, responsibilities that kept them from just being children. While siblings probably developed inferiority complexes, just the opposite.
Or not any of that, I don’t know. Narcissist can be so mean. Why haven’t psychologists come out with public guidelines, narcissism is so prevalent – so damaging to us – and so delicate to the narcissist. I don’t want to be hurt by a narcissist, and I don’t want to hurt one either.
Thank goodness for HG but also for whoever forced him into this.
Kelly
I have seen narcissists use parentification and infantilization with their children. Narcissism is epidemic and I blame the APA for this fiasco. It should be mainstreamed like cancer, heart disease, STIs and depression.
Lori,
I don’t know but from my personal reading and views from it all, I think this is where you have to think figuratively.
So HG’s creature, is not as you say, a creature that “literally” is going to come flying out and grab him, but it “feels” very strongly, and he knows cognitively that it is something of which for his readers to understand, he would have to describe it as “something” (rather than a mysterious kinda black hole of nothingness). He has to give this bunch of dissociative feelings trapped within him since childhood some kind of depth and weight, and to give it a skin if you like.
Just like we do when we talk about being very hurt and having a broken and crushed heart. Nobody has usually “literally” come and took out our heart, put it on a table and gone and hammered it to a pulp so that it is a crushed, soggy, and and no doubt bloody mess. But it gives us figuratively something to wrap our mind around so we can grasp the actual concept. So we can see with our minds eye, what that person is going through or dealing with.
In doing so, HG cleverly lets his readers imagine a horrible, dispicable creature, with long nails and teeth, inside the construct of him, that he needs to keep at bay and stop from escaping.
And then it allows those with no concept of what its like to be a true narcissist, and have this unpleasant dread like feeling and this deep seated fear, and how and what they feel goes on within them.
Any narcissist wants control, and yet this creature (this mixed group of sickening and despair-like type feelings dissociated from since childhood), are in the background, constantly trying to take the narcissist’s control away. The only thing that keeps them away is fuel. Fuel is survival to them.
Using illustrations is often the best way to teach, but using figurative illustrations gets people to see with their minds eye, and imagine something that ordinarily they would perhaps not be able to feel, grasp or see.
I hope that helps a little…. Maybe….?
Tigerchelle,
This is a great description. I wasn’t sure in the beginning if there was actually some demon or something. And then my narc actually talks to himself sometimes like he’s reminding himself how he operates, when he’ll think about something. Anyway I see now the creature is a description of how they feel as you stated.
HG, isn’t being caught alone an anomaly? It’s been my personal experience when you are with one, even a primary source that your kind have at least 10 other’s lined up? Or at least 2 or three???