The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 1
A series of memes which encapsulate the golden rules that you MUST apply to enable you to build your Logic Defences, overcome the power of your emotional thinking and enable you to achieve freedom.
By accepting these golden rules and repeatedly reading them out loud and writing them down, ensuring you do so frequently, you will create one of the many Logic Defences which is necessary to bring your emotional thinking under control. Learn the golden rules, apply the golden rules and remind yourself of the golden rules. These golden rules will lead you to freedom.
When you know, you go. When you know you are entangled with a narcissist – you go. You do not wait around seeking answers from that person (seek them from me instead). You do not try to heal them, you do not remain trying to decipher their behaviour (I will do that for you). When you know that a fresh narcissist is trying to seduce you – you go. When you know that a narcissist is hoovering you – you go. But most of all, when you are already entangled and you finally learn what it is you are entangled with – you go. You have to remove yourself from the toxic influence which is maintaining your emotional infection, feeding your addiction and keeping you stuck, all aided and abetted by your con-artist in residence,your emotional thinking.
Never breach this rule. If you do, you are preventing yourself from achieving freedom. Anything which contravenes this rule is emotional thinking which wants you to remain entangled, seduced or hoovered.
56 thoughts on “The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 1”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Hg,
You have advised me, and have written about “when to ask a favor from a narcissist”. What if “to go”, is literally moving away.. and with the Narcissist child/children? When would be the least difficult time? While he is seducing a new ipps, in the golden period, devaluation, or while discarding the ipps? The child/children is for facade management and very young. The relocation would only be 2 hours away, but away from the other fuel matrix.
There are a number of variables here ANM and to give you the most accurate answer I need more information, thus a consultation is the appropriate forum.
Dearest Blank,
The last thing I want to do is make you feel uneasy ….this whole nasty narc experience we endure is so soul destroying
I have tried to remain genuine and not let the experiences change my personality
These narcs test us …. and try and destroy us
I challenged myself to “break the barrier” and survive it and be better stronger and wiser
I’m a softie from way back … if I can do it …. why cant you
We all have to start somewhere
Just believe in yourself … is all I’m saying
I’m not a threat to you
I’m on your side …. it’s all baby steps my precious
You have heaps of love my lovely ….you just need the right recipient
The only way is forward … I believe in you
Kindness is free …l like to share it
Luv Bubbles xx
💜😘
I blocked him from my life today. I left him no way in…haha what do I do now? This is new territory I’m lost and panic is setting in
Mercy, the first thing you need to do is keep him blocked. Breathe. Distract yourself in any way that works for you (go shopping, meet with friends, whatever..). Remember and say it out loud: I will never let him hurt me again. I do not feel sorry for you, because you never felt sorry for me. Things like that. HG mentiones it all of the time: don’t let your emotional thinking get in the way. Honestly, I know how hard it is. I am in the same position with musician narc and I will keep reading on this website, in order not to lower the walls that protect me.
Do not panic, everything in fact is calm now you blocked him, try to see it that way (and maybe watch the youtube video “Calm” of ‘The School of Life’…). I wish you luck and strength to stay NC Mercy. Big hug to you xx
Dearest Mercy,
First of all…. Breathe
Do not panic my sweet … you have all the support and care on tap here at your fingertips
The wealth of information from Mr Tudor and all the lovelies here is absolutely amazing …. stay tuned
You’re in good capable hands
Hugs n best wishes precious
Luv Bubbles xx 💜
Blank & Bubbles, thank you both so much for your support. I feel pretty good today. I can do NC like a champ, it’s the hoovers that worry me (or lack of hoovers). The good stuff always follows the hoovers and I’ve been through this cycle to many times that now I want them….even if I don’t want him. Plus I’ve never cut him off of all avenues…I don’t know what he’ll do when he finds out. The good thing is that he has a lot of back up fuel so that’ll give me time to prepare myself.
Thanks again for your support. This site is my strength right now.
Mercy, I stumbled upon this with K’s links on the other thread. Big congrats on your more than 1 yr freedom and continued strength and progress with Ns in general. I am very sorry to hear about your current legal matters as a witness for the IPPS. Predictable, I guess, that she would change her story and stand by him (probably CoD and unaware of the cost to her). I hope you have proper protection in place as it sounds like your N ex is violent and I worry he might retaliate against you with violence in some way. I also hope you have good legal support and a restraining order if that is necessary. Lastly, I hope you are zero impact after the trial. As for the pantry, I recommend using a small space in it to build-in a spice rack. Very handy. You’ll be in my thoughts so do please keep us updated on your progress with the case. Take care.
Hi
Does anyone find the narcs silent treatments so predictable that sometimes you think are they still using that same old method , I have it figured now thanks to you HG , does he really think I’m still here tearing my hair out wondering if you ever contact me again or why he said such a thing then went silent . They are soooooo predictable that it is actually boring me right now .Here we go again , yawn yawn ,,yeah I’ll hear fom you in a few weeks ,months whatever .No hurry .That is the way I’m starting to think.
Well I have to give HG all the credit for allowing me to see this pattern .I’m not reacting in anyway shape or form to the silent treatment like I used to.
Does it bother me , yes , but not as much I’m controlling the urges to say something about it .No fuel from me.
I’m doing absolute indifference , zero notice ,
Sure Kiki, that’s why I went NC with musician Narc. The same pattern over and over. I want to get him off my mind now, therefore-> full NC. I suggest you do the same and distract yourself from anything that reminds you of him. It’s hard, but all the people here had/have to do it at some point. The sooner the better, because it is wasted time and life is short. Go NC, grieve and move on. I am saying this to convince myself also, because I know how damn hard it is when your emotional thinking sets in. Good luck Kiki xx
Dearest Pale Horse,
Thank you so much for the update precious
It takes time lovely one ..slowly and easy does it
I practise daily and remain focused….. calms the soul
You’re doing just fine, soon it will become more natural to you
Now breathe in slowly (lift that belly) … annnnnd release slowly
I’m so happy for you 😊
Luv Bubbles xx
I’m in a difficult situation where the narcissist bullies are my adult stepdaughters. My husband is caught in the middle. The oldest stepdaughter has been giving him less attention. My husband and I have two young kids too and my husband would really wish to be able to have our kids have a loving relationship with his older kids and his grandkids. He is not able to see his grandkids as much because of the issues between us. Also I have tried so many times to have a decent relationship with them but they are like snow queens to my little kids but really warm and sweet to their friends’ kids. Also giving insulting remarks here and there about menor my little toddlers. Everything has to be about them being more beautiful than my kids or more important in the family than me. I want to disengage by not attending my husband’s super fancy 3rd birthday party which just showcases how amazing they are and wherein I and my kids would be treated like inferiors, but my poor husband said he wouldn’t attend and someday when he dies I and his two daughters will feel guilty that he didn’t get to spend time with his grand daughters because we couldn’t get along. My husband is a wonderful and good person but I have experienced yearanof bullying from his daughters that would be too many to write here but they are very similar to what you have been describing. The younger stepdaughter has just been diagnosed with bipolar. Should I still disengage or should I just keep interacting with them but maybe just keep on finding ways to mentally fortify myself from the attacks. Will it eventually adfect my kids? Right now they are just toddlers and cannot really tell that they are being mistreated even though it hurts me and my husband because we are the ones who see it.
This is a situation which requires the provision and conveyance of more information and therefore is best suited to consultation.
Thank you!
Needing reassurance…even if they are sick, even if they are old, even if they are in cahoots with a narc, even if it is your entire family, your mother, your sisters, your brothers…even if staying away serves as proof to them of the “bad” you embody, even when all that you believed about these people is shattered and there is nothing of the relationship to salvage…even when the hoovers spark guilt and shame for not being able to “get along”…get out, stay out?
E&L
“even if staying away serves as proof to them of the “bad” you embody,”
That is a lie. A horrible, insidious lie they are using to manipulate you. My mother’s family used that on me for years. Even now, 3 years after her death, they ignore me and are ugly to me when we meet because they feel I didn’t spend enough time with her because of my “selfishness.”
I often think that my family has three types of people, narcs, wanna be narcs and narc apologists. Your family may well be the same. All three of theses types of relatives will try to make you feel guilty and shame you. The narcs will for fuel, the wanna be’s to feel more powerful and the apologists because they really believe it.
I can feel people’s emotions and it really hurts to know that so many relatives really believe such hateful things about me. But that does not make them true. They are still lies. People say, “The truth hurts.” But not as badly as lies hurt. Lies really tear us up inside because deep down we know they are unfair and being misunderstood by those we love brings its own despair.
I once had a priest tell me that to despair is a mortal sin. I thought that was the stupidest thing I’d ever heard! How could being so abused and misunderstood that you feel despair be the worst type of sin? I thought about that for years. Finally I realized that the “sin” is allowing yourself to be broken down by life and injustice to where you just sit miserable and believe the lies.
Don’t fall into that trap of despair. Read here and learn the truth about narcissism. Consult with HG if you need to. Hold onto the truth and do what YOU know is right and let other people’s negative comments wash off you like rain.
Sending you positive energy. ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️
Windstorm, thank you for sharing and your encouragement. I am physically exhausted from the grieving and despair I feel. And ultimately, as for each of us, it is my personal burden. Time will tell if I possess the chops to survive being me. I appreciate your thoughtful outreach!
I just listened to “Divorce and the Narcissist” on YouTube. In it, you just outlined the entire two year disengagement attacks I endured. I think I just received my reassurance.
I broke this— was 48 days no contact— hovered 3x— he was in town— I cracked and responded..have been minimal in my conversation.. no positive or negative… just the facts… I even had dinner with him… the thing is.. I’m sad for what I thought I had but…… I didn’t feel a spark for him at all… I didn’t for one second think I want him back… i know what he is and I can’t love what I don’t trust…. breaking no contact was against the rules but I actually feel stronger… HG thanks to you I recognized all his Hoover’s and tactics… it was literally play by play—- and I knew it was all a lie…. thank you !!
I have been reading and reading and reading-my mind is blown behind what I have read and now I have been able to see behind the mask-
façade gone-I love the golden rules and have stated them to myself many times-my narc lives in my house-I wish he would just go away-I love the silent treatment-don’t have to listen to the lies-grey rock is good also-I’m at a point however that I’m finished with it and oh, what relief when I can finally get him out-silent treatment doesn’t bother me I silent treatment him back-why do they have to have such thick skulls-you’d think if they have a new supply 40 yrs younger than me and 30 years younger than him he’d jump at the chance to leave me-Im so sick of it-
I have the five rules of freedom listed together with GOSO in a word document and I look at them from time to time to keep me sane and grounded. It feels good to have to the power to stay no contact!
Trocadero,
I only received third party Hoovers and when I broke NC (to end them for sanity’s sake) the reply was condescending “life is too short, I believe in letting bygones be bygones” and when I stated I would not contact again he formally said “thank you.”
I let go of my power for a reprieve to heal. Hang onto your power. Better to walk away strong (even if you don’t feel that way).
So here I am. 2 months after my escape and partial NC (I say partial, cause due to working together on distance, couldn’t block him on work related tools). He hoovered a few times through work, immediately after my escape, thinking that it’s just another round of ”me overreacting, being too sensitive” etc etc but now he saw I really stick to my NC (apart from work related issues), he started ignoring me himself, even for work. And now it fucking hurts. I knew this was coming, but now I’m there it’s hard 🙁 I know I should thank God he gave up on hoovering, but I realize that subconsciously I hoped for more hoovers..at least it gives you a certain feeling of power when YOU are the one who ignores, and not the other way around… yes, yes I know the drill and I’m working on it, but I just needed to verbalize my feelings here. I was going through the same paradox while involved with him – praying to God that he stops contacting me and at the same time craving for it..I really need some support now, just you nice people telling me once again all the things I already know. After doing all these narc-by-the-book games, why did I still expect him to see the reason of my silence and show some remorse or make some effort of convincing me the opposite.. so few pathetic hoovers..I don’t know, the lousier the hoover is, the more I feel like being really nothing to him. Does somebody have the same feeling? Like, ok, I can give you credit at least for putting effort in hoovering – but no, didn;t even get that. I should be grateful, My ET is killing me right now…
His hoovering wasn’t working, and now he’s trying yet another half-hearted tactic. The vicious cycle will start all over again if you break NC. Your roller coaster emotions are completely normal, and you need to remain strong and focused. It will get easier, but it will take some time. Don’t disappoint yourself!
Be prepared — chances are another hoover will happen again. And again. And again…
I just have the impression now that that’s it..that he gave up on me,after all I was probably a DLS since it was a dirty empath situation..never intimate though. So now he realized he couldn’t crack me down completely,he is probably focusing on the sources more willing to fuel…and he gave up so easily. Why am I even saying that,I don’t want him,it was my decision to go NC! Grrr,so angry at me now! And the worst thing is that I will have to face him soon due to work. That makes my ET still ruling the logic. The fear of him being ignorant when we meet…will he see in my eyes that I still crave him…mentally preparing for it!! Wish me luck!
Trocadero,
I have been where you are many times. And if I’m honest, it’s coming again soon since I just went NC with him again a few days ago.
I have felt the same way about wishing he would hoover. Mine never really gave me any grand hoovers, they were always lame.
If they are hoovering, your ET can convince you they must “care” on some level, or at least that your fuel was worthy of them trying to come back.
It is normal to want to have some power, damn straight, we should have some power. And that’s the point, THEY WILL NEVER LET YOU HAVE ANY. Mine would always say juuuuust enough to make me think I was on the cusp of a reasonable conversation…..then nope no way he’d switch gears and I’d be furious.
The power has to come from staying NC, and the power has to come from gaining some control over the ET. It sucks, and it hurts like fucking hell. I’ve had panic attacks, insomnia, been nauseated, etc. etc. etc. I’m no expert, I’m in the thick of it, just like you, just wanted to say I know how you feel.
Trocadera – you are being honest with yourself! If you had an earlier pattern of back & forth, on-off relationship, then he probably gauged that he didn’t need to try too hard to hook you back in and he still has access through work. He knows which buttons to press. Your emotional thinking and ego is bruised. BUT your logic knows what he is, how he has treated you. You are an emotional being so it is going to hurt, but that doesn’t mean that your emotion has to be shut down … just redirect it towards self care and kindness, and spend time with loving family and friends, and aiming for your goals. When the emotional hurt and hoovers recur, apply your logic and be your own champion. Returning to him means more pain and loss of self, on a regular basis, until you lose sight of yourself completely and walk on eggshells for what … more pain, humiliation, devaluation, smearing … it may feed his agenda, but it surely does not meet yours. In hindsight I can see what I went through and I so wish I had the knowledge available on HG’s blog as I would have got out sooner and not wasted my life with the wrong person. Please be strong .. you deserve better. Xoxo
Can’t do it. If I get rid of my emotional thinking and my empathy I become a narc. I’d rather die. It’s all in the brain Mr. Tudor, can’t change that. Some people may need to escape, because of physical danger. For me it is/was the mindfuck ‘only’. Very dangerous also, but awareness brings caution and ways to deal with the narcissists in your life, those you can’t avoid because you have children together or they are your parent.
Dearest Blank,
From my perspective …. if I may……
Yes you “can” and there’s no such thing as “can’t” !
You will not become a narc if you get rid of your emotional thinking and empathy …… it feels like it … but what you are actually doing is learning to “control” your emotional thinking by putting things into perspective.
You will activate inner radar danger warnings and become more alert and astute. Learning self control is an asset
In order for us to take control we need to put our brain into gear first rather than acting on emotional impulses which relates to matters of the heart
We are all extreme emotional thinkers here and have buckets loads of empathy … it’s in our DNA
You will never lose it or become a narc …. it won’t happen my lovely … you’re safe
What you will gain is “power” over the way people treat you ….
I hope that makes sense precious
Warmest of wishes
Luv Bubbles xx
I agree Bubbles. And on a side note, the breathing exercise is going very well and I am feeling a little better!
You’re sweet Bubbles, what you say is true, but I always think of NPD as a disorder and can’t help but feel a kind of hate-love relationship with ‘my’ narcs. I feel they need love. My love. But I can handle them now that I know they come with an instruction book.
I feel I have become more narcish and have lost (or are scared to lose) my empathy and this is something I don’t like. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being naive, but when I think of that time, I know I was very depressed and confused and I would not want to go back to that. My mind is a lot clearer now.
Thanks Bubbles, warm wishes to you too xx
Sweet Bubbles, I wrote a comment yesterday, don’t see it now, but I hope it will appear today. (Perhaps HG was too busy celebrating his birthday :))
Dear dear Blank,
Thank you so very much for your responses beautiful one
Being “naive” got me here … haha
Sadly, I have not witnessed any “genuine love” from the narcs in my life
Yes…. that Love/Hate feeling goes hand in glove with our narcs…
You’re definitely not alone there Blank
Narcs are “takers” …. we are “givers”
It’s about time we started “giving” to ourselves for a change
You’re absolutely definitely not narcish Blank (you even write with empathy) .. you’re learning to be strong gorgeous .. there’s a huge difference
Big Hugs to you lovely
Luv Bubbles xx
Thank you Bubbles, all your kind words make me feel a bit uneasy. You are a light in a dark world. Planet earth needs more people like you, who’ll spread kindness.
Genuine love from narcs? No, not possible. But that doesn’t mean we can’t give them love or compassion (although I understand this is impossible for other empaths with certain type of narcissists). I feel I can deal with them now in a way that hopefully will not hurt me, nor my sons. I know I am not a narc B, because I know I can love like crazy. Wishing you a lovely day and big hugs to you too Bubbels! xx
@Blank, ‘leaving the narc’ is not about losing your capacity to feel and empathise, at all, it’s about understanding the nature of their condition / adaptation without heavy moral judgement: these people do not have relationships in terms of emotional attachment, at all. That’s what NPD means. To have pro-social relationships is the choice alone of the person with NPD and they have to be heavily invested in achieving those goals, you cannot make that choice for them. Whether they’re your parent, lover, partner or friend, it makes no difference. So even if you remain in contact with them, you accept this and can therefore have a more realistic assessment of your boundaries with them and then behave and invest, accordingly.
An ex-narc simply helped me to recognise the patterns in my family and how I had internalised low self-esteem instinctively trying to form early attachments, to get the ‘primordial substance’ my growing self needed. I now recognise that their inability to form healthy, mutual relationships was not my fault and that I need to work on building a stronger sense of self in certain areas of my life and not put energy into trying to fix relationships with broken and/or emotionally limited people.
See the difference? Narcissists do not separate, they control or form grudges. You do not need to deal with them in the ways that they deal with you, you can, however, learn basic survival skills: attachments to toxic people is not good for you and ultimately creates destructive effects on your life. You choose your self while not trying to destroy or compete with your (willful or unconscious) abusers. That is not the end of empathy, it is a difficult decision requiring emotional maturity. This is not easy, but I consider letting go to be a part of compassion. Especially – compassion for your own limitations. Whatever you want your life to be, you have to invest in creating it and we all have limited time and energy, we also need supportive relationships to fuel our qualitative strengths.
/iroll, thanks for your response. I hope you don’t mind me coming back to you tomorrow, because my head is so full now, I can’t even think straight anymore. Will respond tomorrow. Good night.
/iroll, hi! Thanks for your comment. Please see my comment to Christine. I have left (divorced) my narcissist husband, but I still deal with him. Also with my parents.
I agree with what you say and I am working on my self esteem (not living with N-ex made me feel better right away). Also I work on my boundaries. It is hard work, because I go back and forth between the choices I have, how to act. For instance, I still clean N-ex’s house (he lives next door), wash and iron his clothes, not because I think I have to do this for him, but because my children eat at his place and he has to look decent for his job. He will not do it himself, does not want to pay for a cleaning lady either and he will look like a vagabond and lose his job, meaning he will not be able to pay that shitty little amount of alimony (that’s not even enough to pay for groceries) anymore. So it’s self interest that I do this work for him. But I am not his stepford slave anymore, he is not capable of manipulating or gaslighting me anymore.
(he professionally looks like the director of board and when he comes home he starts smoking and drinking and changes into jeans and t-shirt – in that order and will drink untill he can’t walk on his feet anymore)
Also, I try to love my mother and then it gets to a point where she’ll take advantage again, playing the guilt trip, critisize, etc..
Because I am aware of her narcissism now, I am aware when she plays me and that alone is a blessing. It’s still hard to deal with her and her attitude, but I’ll manage. She is not the one in controll any longer, but I have to be very cautious.
“Whatever you want your life to be, you have to invest in creating it and we all have limited time and energy.. ”
I know this /iroll, and I am trying so hard to get a job, that would change things for me so much, but I haven’t had a job in a decade and I am considered too old now by employers. It really sucks, because I do have a good (even recent) education.
Thank you /iroll for your wise words. I am glad to read you worked it out for yourself and I wish you good luck with working on your self esteem and self compassion. Take care xx
/iroll,
That was so well articulated and I enjoyed reading it. Especially this:
“That is not the end of empathy, it is a difficult decision requiring emotional maturity. This is not easy, but I consider letting go to be a part of compassion. Especially – compassion for your own limitations. Whatever you want your life to be, you have to invest in creating it and we all have limited time and energy, we also need supportive relationships to fuel our qualitative strengths.”
/iroll – succintly put … i’m going to print this comment and think on this more. I feel that myself and perhaps most people on here can’t or couldn’t reach this level of reasoning (by which I mean understanding and accepting) as they are/were too wrapped up in the recurring cycles of emotional trauma and confusion to step back and see the reality of the situation … e.g. when you are stuck in the mud surrounded by crocodiles, you don’t just fight them critters off, you have to get out of the swamp! And .?. by your analogy, the crocs are doing what comes naturally.
Hi Blank,
Of course he wants a mother (this is because he has not worked through his mental immaturity), and you are now performing that role “on your own terms” for the sake of your children. In essence, you are curating their reality because you want to protect them from his poor decisions and also, perhaps—don’t want him to reflect badly on you as a mother. You don’t want him to negatively influence them. All good intentions.
Let me tell you something: I come from a family led by a financially successful, authoritarian, high-functioning man with a sadistic narcissist complex, and a woman who is his co-dependent and an inverted narcissist, his picture-perfect stepford.
The violence and emotional neglect I grew up with came with very beautiful hotel like surroundings, because everything had to be perfect. Perfect dinners, spotless furniture, my bed was made to crisp perfection after I got up, my clothes were laundered, ironed and name tagged (I went to a boarding school). I had good haircuts at fancy salons, got every medical and dental care, except for my psychological breakdown due to abuse trauma, which i was blamed for. I now have borderline PD. It has taken me years, decades! —as an adult, to learn how to even approach my maladaptive issues with autonomy, which trip me up at every level of progress, because I learned helplessness and how to suppress myself through internalised guilt. My self-awareness which is quite high, can’t completely heal me from my destructive impulses and anxiety, which cost me a lot of energy.
The way to get out of all this is through honesty – it’s ok to let kids know that life isn’t always easy and that any values you need to create your life and your sense of self, have to be nurtured, everything has to be built step by step, through work commitment and a perception of the world and others that can deal with grey-areas and disappointments. People aren’t all good and it’s Ok for children to know that, if they have love then they can overcome anything, even trauma. Parents don’t have to be like the Easter Bunny to be loved and give love, because they’re there to teach children to accept themselves for who they are, realistically. In my experience, my parents had total control over reality so that they could tell me what was wrong or right, they could decide what they were accountable for or not, but as a child I knew that beneath the surface all was rotten and I was miserable. This is not the same as your situation, I’m just using it to illustrate something.
Narcissism and borderline complexes stem from unrealistic expectations and a lack of mature development, usually because children have learned that it’s easier to get by through entitlement, bullying or deceitful manipulation, and that authentic emotions will be abused or that reality is an unsafe place and not to be trusted. As well as having some underlying neurological causes, these ‘conditions’ are primarily learned values and behaviours.
You know the phrase, give a man a fish vs giving him a fishing rod? Kids need to learn how to fish as well as being fed. They need both, the unconditional love as well as the chance to create their own autonomy without fear and guilt. Safe attachment, safe separation.
You cannot control or even ‘curate’ reality for them, but you can lead by example. Ultimately that is what they will be learning, by watching what you do, rather than, the selective reality that you think you’re giving them. They won’t just see the neat house, they will see their father being passive and neglectful and you picking up after him and that will make an impression.
Just make that shift in your protective instincts from: protecting them from reality, to—showing them how to deal with reality, whatever it is.
—also, if you can, please get some therapy, you’re worth it 😉
x
You do not lose your empathy when you start thinking logically. You gain the ability to protect.
Your continuing to be emotionally entangled with the narc is harming your children massively. If you truly care, you will leave emotionally entirely (go Grey Rock), and physically as much as possible. Otherwise, you don’t care enough to take action, which means you don’t care enough. You’re throwing your own children under the bus to protect your precious emotional thinking.
Stop hurting your children.
Hi Christine, I responded yesterday morning, but somehow my comment got lost I think.
My sons are young adults, I have discussed their father’s narcissism and addictions with them. They make their own choices when to see him and usually this is twice a week for dinner. They’ll go there (he lives next door), listen to all his ‘intelligent monologues’ (he’s a cerebral narc) and stories about his adventurous and heroic life, eat in the meantime and come right back.
I do everything that is in my power not to hurt my children, but I will fail at times.
To realise that breaks my heart 😢.
Thanks Christine, take care xx
Perfectly said. Thank you.
Thank you HG for reposting these. I, for one, really need to remind myself where I’m at and why; my new situation (leaving my soon-to-be-ex-husband after all these years) is so fresh, and I still have that ‘con-artist in residence’ making frequent appearances in my head.
The hoovers of the greater are usually much more intense than any other right? I feel I was very lucky to be exposed to midrangers and lowers where it was easier to escape. With the greater. I want to respond and stay so he stops excalating.I want him to be calm. Not agitated. I think escape really scares them.
I want the greater to think he dumped me. If I escape he is very nervous.
“By accepting these golden rules and repeatedly reading them out loud and writing them down, ensuring you do so frequently, you will create one of the many Logic Defences which is necessary to bring your emotional thinking under control. Learn the golden rules, apply the golden rules and remind yourself of the golden rules. These golden rules will lead you to freedom.”
I am doing it. I am doing it.
I am going to print this and put in my mirror. Pieces here. There. Everywhere!
Thanks HG.
It’s amazing how many times I can read these things and still want to go back.
I think I’m finally beginning to find acceptance I can, like I stated earlier in another post, that I’m beginning to finally let go. To discard him and the things he’s taught me. And beginning to find the beginning of peace, although I still have a long way to go with healing. This is ok. Because it now has to be.
Tammy: Be strong, you can make it! My situation is on the one hand easier because my ex (officially ex in a few months) found a new IPPS to mess with and has managed to keep her for over a year or so, so he’s not interested in getting me back. Would have liked to keep me aside as a household item, though, and apparently thought that I wouldn’t leave bc I’m not financially well-off (house etc. are in his name and we have a prenup, so I pretty much have to start afresh). At first I really was afraid of leaving, but the thought of going on with the emotional torture was too much, so I’d rather sleep under a bridge than to stay with him anymore. And although I have really bad days processing everything, I also feel happier than I’ve felt for years. I guess this is what healing feels like. All the best to you all!
OhSiberian, thank you.
I love this and I love you mentioned this is a fresh start for you. I keep going no contact suicide. But more often than most I want to know where he is and is he coming after me? Yesterday I finally am beginning to understand it’s over. And why would I ever go back to the hideous way he treated me? I know it’s a part of the trauma bond with him. But working though it. It’s not easy as we all know. So yes, fresh start.
kudos on getting out!
Agreed.
Don’t walk… runnnnnn….
I see from previous post that this series is not new. I don’t know if I’ve seen these or if I just now decided to let it apply to me. Whichever it is I love it. Lately I’ve been thinking that I don’t need to be an expert on the narc or analyze what he’s doing. I have you to rely on as my expert. I’ve been here, on and off, long enough to know that I can trust your words.
My God it’s time for me to go. My life is just tick tick ticking away.
Mercy, 10000 ‘whish you lucks’ frome here!
Thanks shesaw, fear of the unknown has been holding me back but whatever the future holds can not be worse than submitting to a life of pain, anger, confusion and numbness.
And once you’ve given yourself plenty of time to recover, think how much good your energy can do in the world! Escape is wonderful.
let’s do it. run!