LoveSex Addiction
In many instances there is often the lament following discard (and even escape) that although your experience with our kind was horrendous beyond measure the sex was out of this world. You miss the sex to an incredible degree. The sex was mind-blowing, intense, hugely satisfying and unlike anything else you have known. Now I know this is not always the case, there are some of our kind who are not interested in sex and some who are useless at it and in those instances you have more than likely been ensnared by a Victim Narcissist. That is not the topic of discussion today. Today we focus on those of our kind who are the sexual Olympian who thrilled and delighted you between the sheets (and plenty of other places too). One of the reasons our kind uses sex as a weapon is because of the addictive quality that we create around the sexual experience you have with us. Why is sex with us so addictive? There are actually several reasons, but the one I wish to focus on today is the concept of LoveSex. This is the link between Love and Sex.
We do not dissuade you from making such a link. In fact we positively encourage you to do this. The way that we seduce you and the way that we love bomb you is designed to inject love into sex so that they effectively become indistinguishable from one another. We are fully aware that irrespective of how self-sufficient you may like to think that you are, how independently you might lead your life, you still have that desire for the white knight. Again, this relates to the way that you have been conditioned by society to regard love and romance. We know about this and exploit this. An honest examination of your thoughts and feelings will result in your admitting that at least on one occasion you have wanted that dashing knight to come riding in on his charger, sweep you in his arms and then take you through to the bedroom where he makes tender and delicious love to you. You have been conditioned to expect to be treated like a princess and we do this when we place you on that pedestal during our love bombing of you. Sex is no different. You want to be taken care of in the bedroom, loved and made to feel special. By providing all of this when we have sex with you then we are blurring the lines between sex and love, binding the two together. Since we are so magnificent in our delivery of delicious and rewarding sex then this entwined sex and love causes you to feel a very special kind of love, better than anything else you have experienced before. We apply all of the loving techniques when we have sex with you. The tender, romantic, slow and caring way we caress and hold you before easing into you all accords with this almost dream-like perception of how sex should be. We do however go further than this traditional model of the handsome prince making sweet, delicate love to his beautiful princess. When we suddenly take you from behind, hitch up your skirt and bend you over a worktop or the back of the settee and have vigorous sex with you we will look to ensure that this type of sex is entwined with love. How do we do this? With words of course. Words come easily to us and are cheap to use. So as we are hammering away and you are admittedly enjoying this spontaneous and energetic sex we will be telling you things such as:-
“I just had to have you. You were stood there and I was overwhelmed with love for you.”
“I love you so much I needed to have you there and then.”
“You do something to me that makes me almost lose control. That is how much I love you.”
“I am so in love with you I just needed to be inside you.”
“You make me crazy in love, I cannot help myself.”
We reinforce this urgent sex with being linked to just how powerful and amazing our love is. The sex itself feels fantastic and when you hear those magical words being said to you from behind the two are melded together. The sex could not be regarded as romantic but that does not matter. Such rampant desire for you to be taken in this manner can only be a symptom of our love for you. This reinforcement will happen over and over again. From the obvious slow, tender love-making through to the quick knee-trembler on a table through to you fellating us in a parked car, we will cause you to associate all of these sexual acts as being manifestations of our truly remarkable love. Eventually, the word sex becomes eroded and every time we do something which is sexual in nature it is seen as love. Everything we do together in the sexual arena is born of love, is because of love and is a manifestation of love.
You are unable to resist this blurring of the boundaries between love and sex. You are not able to prevent sex actually subsuming the notion of love and cloaking itself in the name of love. This lack of resistance happens for two reasons. Firstly, the nature of our sexual couplings with you is so intense and enjoyable you want them and you want them repeatedly. Secondly, aside from the use of sex as a weapon, during the seduction stage you are being love bombed on lots of different fronts. We are saying beautiful things to you, writing you poems and love letters, buying you gifts, taking you to special places, looking after you when you feel ill, introducing you to our friends and so on. This onslaught of loving behaviour magnifies what we are doing on the sexual side. You are surrounded by loving behaviour so that it permeates into everything that we do with you, including sex. Accordingly, over time sex and love become bound up together. The great sex we provide to you translates as the marvellous love that we have for you. Sex is love, love is sex and it feels amazing causing you to become addicted to the sensation. We create lovesex and it is a powerful way of creating an addiction in you.
116 thoughts on “LoveSex Addiction”
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This is why I can’t get over him!
https://youtu.be/WdHWWUmk9qQ
He ignited my sexual awakening, my sultry hunger and curiousity.
That connection. That.connection. The look before he took me, that smirk, he’s cocaine. That feeling when he’s watching you… you feel it.
His smile and smell, and when he gets too close, you’re angry,he kisses you all over, teases and makes you laugh, turns you into an animal. Soaking wet from the rain fucking on the stairwell or in the park across the road from your house. Things are never the same again. Because all you ever see is him. Nobody WILL EVER COMPARE. Ever!
PV
Exactly the same.
HG, why do we have an innate addiction to “your kind?” 🤔
The burden of empathy and in some instances imprinting.
Thank You HG 😊
Yes, I feel like I can help/carry them, like I have the energy to give. And it feels so good to do it. Till it doesn’t….
I found it so strange the way I could care and be generous and the person I was giving to had this strange way of twisting the energy that was coming into an idea where I was being given the gift of being sucked dry. I couldn’t figure it out. I kept saying “you are sucking all of my energy” and variations of that. More just to see myself say it because I thought it was this invisible force that I was imagining. Like a gravitational pull of my thoughts and feelings. But it was never ever a compliment for me to say that. And yet somehow I think it was.
You forgot to mention HG’s full, soft, seriously kissable lips, with the sexy Cupid’s bow, MB 😜
How could that be forgotten?!
I know, right?!
merrymagenta, I never forget his full kissable lips! He’s established everpresence with me on that. When I hear him on the YouTube videos…ummm, ummm, ummm
I keep telling myself: listen to the words, not to what your body is doing with the voice pronouncing them.
I just didn’t write this, did I?
It is the wine.
Kathy, I think it’s what NA refers to as the “panty melting effect”.
She is right!
I need some new YT videos. (Ear candy)
Kathy and MB
Having naughty streaks can be so much fun. Do you agree?
Absolutely! It is what keeps me alive, kicking and biting through the restraints! 🙂
Kathy Mor
Love it!!!!!
Broken Rainbow, yes! Naughty fantasy is my friend.
Oh Yes! This is terrific. The sex I had with my ex was the most mind-blowing sex I ever had. He made me feel things that I never thought was possible. I truly believe I became “alive” sexually for the first time in my life. From the moment he first kissed me I was his. The sex was the reason I kept returning over and over. I had so many firsts with him sexually. I also realized that I enjoy BDSM. My body reactions surprised the hell out of me. I finally felt like a true woman with him.
The sex with him was electrifying. I am unsure I want to be with someone else as I might be disappointed. I am keeping my memories of our sexual escapades separate from the rest of my experiences with him. I also don’t have an issue thinking of him when I am feeling playful with myself.
Mind-blowing. Yes!!!! Addictive. Yes!!!! Were my sexual experiences with him worth the abuse I went through? Definitely as it woke me up as a woman!
I must be the oddball of the group here as sex was great..only one problem though, I was only able to achieve one half assed orgasm every time, which isn’t normal for me. There was always this eerie, off feeling I sensed. Kinda like a disconnected feeling throughout my whole body and I couldn’t shake it. I can’t really explain it nor understand it. I think I was addicted to craving his before hand or leading up to sex talk, but…I just cannot describe it. Anyone else experience this? That offness was often sensed by other things other than sex as well, but of course I didn’t understand exactly what it was I was entangled with again, as he was extremely different from my previous N.
I was though, absolutely addicted to everything else about him. (I know the sex would’ve been universally explosive if that eerie and off sense was absent)
HG, is this normal for some Empaths to experience?
Yes.
Yes, this. The sex was mind blowingly the best sex ever, right up until very few orgasms even though he tried really hard. I did like his Dom, though couldn’t make myself be a proper sub.
That was really his doing; the disconnect was there and if he is not a real Dom, only a narc craving control, then you can’t submit properly because he is not topping properly. If that makes sense. Doms lead and we follow but if he can’t make that connection then he can’t inspire you. Not all Doms are narcs, but most narcs, to not say all, are dominant/domineering. For me, I learned to get out of those moments with my ex-narc all I could. He also said that I was the “fucking of a lifetime”, whatever that means. But it died there because he could not live up to his “role”.
I have been with 2 other Dominants who were not narcissists and oh boy they could pull submission out of me so, the D/s dynamic was flowing nicely but then I did not have the high, at least not with the same intensity, I got with the narc who was a fake Dom. I didn’t understand and still don’t understand the disconnect. Anyways, I didn’t continue those relationships even though they were real Doms. My loss.
Not that I have much basis for comparison, but I’m pretty sure he really is Dom (autocorrect tried Dim which made me laugh) I’m just very far from submissive, wouldn’t really allow bondage for instance. There were other things which triggered childhood abuse and when that happened he immediately stopped. “I’m a Dom, not an asshole.” Yeah, whatever. So I guess what I really want is a sexually strong and assertive not too vanilla guy without the bondage or pain. 😝
Compatibility is essential in that arena. There are things I can’t do for the same reasons you pointed out… abuse. Bondage is a requirement, at least some extent, and pain can be enjoyable to some extent. I am not a masochist. I don’t thrive on pain for the sake of pain. I have never suffered abuse from him on that aspect. I just know that he is a sadist who if given the ok, he will go to great lengths. Maybe he found his match somewhere else. He will have to because I am done with him.
I need someone new. The more I go through this, the more pale he gets…
I remember feeling exactly that way and I mentioned to him. After that he became much more physical with me by binding me and inflicting pain and pleasure so he would get my focus on the physical sensation and not on that eerie feeling. He managed to eclipsed that sensation but he complained that I would drain his energy immensely and it was not the physical aspect but I think he struggled to catch my mind. But yes, I did experienced that to a great degree. Of course, I desensitized to it later on. It makes me wonder why we felt that way…..
The narc (mid ranger I think) I was entangled with for almost 30 years (I was never a primary source, no devaluation) was impotent most of the time when we wanted to have sex. I think I was some kind of impotent too. But we both couldn`t stop hugging, kissing, stroking each other. That`s not typical, is it?
I would need more information about the situation and dynamic to comment accurately and therefore you would be best served by organising a consultation.
Thank you for this, Christine! Yes, looking forward to the day when I ‘get under’ someone non-narc, and until then I guess it’s just me and my loving hands together. It could be worse… 🙂
My ex narcissist girlfriend have done a lot of pain to me but you know people like you are not powerful in face of a deep soul like and when someone do damage and make me lost precious time like she did , you know I’m m a friendly guy usually but people like you are the opposite of what i am. You have no soul and fake personnalities and superficial shitty fake glamour behaviour so its easy for me to easily detect people like you because i have a deep soul ., so i exposed her and make everybody make fun of her. I recorded every moments she come back to me with hidden camera, our conversations on internet and on the phone, and when she tried to accuse me of violence i just give the film to the police and they said this woman is a crazy psychopath and they look at my sick appearance of a is who are near death by this crazy girl and arrest her and that was not my last word to this superficial princess. I humiliate her later, you know , i like to be cruel with people like.you and you know people lime you are scared to death to be associated to poop anx bad smell beacause you are fake glamour that are far to deserve such a glam behavior so when she was at restaurant with her new puppet i went to that restaurant and throw shit smell bombs under their tables and open her car i the parking it was unlock and put bullshit on the carpets and benches. She didnt see me and done this a pro psychotic in rage and she smell poop
Something smells off here.
Oh HG! That was much to easy for you! 😂
Yeah… just a bit. ..
Lesser victim?
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
JF Cournoyer
Well that was a shitty thing to do. So whats your release date?
Perfect as always NA!
Sometimes, soul suckers must learn how to live and by doing this act , i print a relation of bullshit nasty environment with her new puppet, so her first restaurant “barbie and Ken ” supper with her new date will always be relate with bullshit smell. She done this with my soul, because she was jealous of my deep world and she doesnt have one so, the only thing i found to give her back some toxics wastes she gave to me is to damage her superficiality world so that was an idea and ive done that wonderful gift for ger
WTF?
Hmmmm…. I don’t knew whether I missed out or was lucky. My nex wanted to be a sex god , he just drunk too much to make it happen. 😞
HG, do you say “I know everything” a lot? My ex narc used to say it to me often, especially when I questioned his knowledge.
Not really, people know that it is the case anyway, so I do not need to state it that often.
😂
Yup, that part was good! Which made it even more difficult knowing someone else was now enjoying such attention. Correction: that should now read ‘many someones’. Interestingly the covert narc (although I don’t believe I am using the word ‘covert’ in the right context) he moved on to had bizarrely complained to her friends that the sex with him wasn’t that special … if friends of friends had gone out of their way to let me know that, I wondered if he also knew about her comment and assumed it would dent his ego. At the time I labelled her as no lady, what a tramp, and thought if she didn’t rate him in the bedroom then she was chasing a lifestyle (gold-digger). I never told him her comment (for all I knew it could have been false info and if I repeated this in hope of injuring them both it would make me the crazy one – right?). Much later he told to me that although they had sex, there was no real intimacy between them – not like us – but even at the time I felt that was a ploy to coax me back to him (my instincts were right even if I didn’t understand what my instincts were telling me). So, it looks as if both of them were just using sex as a tool to get what they wanted. Two narcs together … heaven on a plate. You know, even though I am well over the worse, by reading articles such as this it makes me understand just how insidious his behaviour was. I’m finding answers to questions I hadn’t even asked and realise how much I had been played. The more I learn about him, the more I understand myself. I visit this site to educate myself and strengthen my resolve .. not been hoovered for 8+ years but have been tormented by the emotional craziness that lingered. I don’t think he will return, but understand he might/will. We are on a journey but I see ‘happy days ahead’ and I would like to thank everyone who shares and confides – we are not alone or isolated by events. We have HG to thank for that … 3 cheers for HG 👏👏👏
Thank you and you are welcome.
It was an addiction not love
He once said “You’re so hot…Oh..I should have said that earlier…this is the ‘love’ part right?” Chilling.
Yes…exactly that…..
This one sucks bad. The sex was the only thing we could get right. I know future sex will be boring. Shit even sex by myself has him in my fantasies. I remember we didn’t talk for weeks and I wouldn’t please myself because I knew he would find his way into my mind. If I ever find myself enjoying sex on that level with another man I know I’m truly over the narc.
Yes Mercy, Lord have Mercy! I hear you! 🤣
I will never forget nor regret the mind-blowing lust, sex and awe struck feeling of being sated by such an accomplished sexual master. Those days and nights helped me find something within myself I never knew existed. I cannot deny that. It was deeply personal to me and it has never been matched, not even close. I do not want to glorify an experience with an N but despite the underlying toxicity this is my truth.
I am hard to get close to and can be restrained until convinced otherwise. N pursued me for 8 years with carefully crafted manipulations until my defences came down. He was ever patient and alluring, artful and persistent. Once I was his, I gave him everything. He had a plan, I fell for it and it was intoxicating. Even through the worst times of our relationship the sex never waned. I was consumed by it. This was unlike me, it is not me, I was not myself, I was possessed. Literally possessed by him.
I confused that intensity for love and that was my mistake. Once I knew about the countless infidelities and betrayals it stung like crazy. I felt completely exposed. I felt used. I had been played. I couldn’t believe that someone who had such an intense sexual relationship with me could be seeking more. The painful truth….I had been addicted to sex with him…he had been addicted to sex.
When relaying his indiscretions to me our gardener told me that he had questioned N about the affairs. N’s response said it all, “I just wanted something different”. Those words were so hard to hear and painful to digest. No matter what I did I could never be the one thing he wanted. I would always be me and never “something different”. There would always be someone else. A person who loved me wouldn’t risk my life and peace of mind everyday. Yes, the truth hurt, I was an infatuation that had passed and he was just selfish and unwilling to let me go.
I have a completely different life these days. By no means is it perfect but the ring on my finger is very true. No matter the time nor distance from my relationship with N there are times when due to the velocity of our sexual experiences my mind wanders back there. I would never want to walk back through the garden gate of the house I shared with N, but it takes energy to fight the urges to relive such intensity of sexual experiences lurking in the back of my mind. I cannot indulge them nor can I completely forget them so I have to be content to live with scars of what I now know as ‘Love-sex addiction’.
Wow Sarah, that is exactly how I feel. I feel like sex is a secret place inside of me and he has found a way to live in that place permanently.
I know I have to take one problem at a time but this is a problem I don’t want to face. I have no doubts that he will find his way into my thoughts during these moments. It’s hard to express myself about that aspect of our relationship. Ive always been pretty sexual and with him I was 100% myself. He loved it and it made me feel good that he could be as turned on by me as I was by him. I liked being able to let my guard down and just do what felt right or good.
I know that the addiction to him Is what kept me around for so long but I was not addicted to the sex. Like I said, it was the only thing we could get right. Every other aspect of the relationship was a roller coaster ride but I never felt controlled by the sex.
I don’t worry about giving in and going back for a flings. Like you, he ruined that for me. You are right, we will never be the only one. After I found out about the other women he said the thrill in it for him was having someone new. Unfortunately I also found out he will lower his standards to get that thrill of someone new. I had more respect for him than he had for himself and that was proven by his choice of women.
You mentioned you have a ring on your finger. How long have you been away from your narc?
Mercy, so real for me. I know what you mean about the N being willing to lower their standards – sometimes I think they have no standards! It is hard to fathom. If it is something new or different they seek I guess the standards are irrelevant. They knew they always had us waiting in the wings…..their safety net of supply.
What I have realised is the Ns wear such different hats depending on who they are with. N was on his best behaviour with me. He was polite, made an effort, wore the mask all day everyday. He was a con man and a liar. I have learned in time he is not always so considerate, he will show people the face he knows they believe they deserve. As much as he knew I loved him, he also knew I would walk if he did not maintain the fascade. So he maintained it and it was iron clad. The jealousy was evident but I misinterpreted that as his passion for me. I didn’t realise it was projection at the time.
I escaped the N 14 years ago and went no contact. I met him when I was 8 years old. It was an instant connection. From the time we were 14 he pursued me and I rebuffed as I knew he was a ladies man. At 22 he won me over and just before my 26th birthday our gardener told me about the affairs. My whole world fell apart and I ran away devastated. I learned he had been so manipulative, bedding multiple women during the day (he was always home at night). He even fathered two children whom he never stepped up to become a father for. He had three phones, numerous aliases and yet every night he came home to me, made love to me and told me I was his one and only. I felt like such a fool. How could our gardener know all of this and yet I who lived with him knew none?
I moved house. I moved job. I had no social media and I disappeared. I even moved on from all mutual friends. I had to because I knew I would go back if I didn’t. It was so hard to get him out of my system but I have respect for myself (I always have) and I had no choice.
N searched for me for 13 years and in December last year he found me at work. I was in shock it was sooo hard. My husband and I were separating at the time (we reconciled and I found my way back to his safe and experienced hands). But, I realised that the poison was still in my system and after all this time of running away I am now trying to use this amazing blog to educate myself about my deep seated vulnerabilities and the person that seems intent on creating chaos in my life and in my mind.
I have a lot of questions. I haven’t had a consultation yet because it takes me a while before I can open up and trust in another to be a part of my story. The process of coming out of myself has been very organic here, it is like we all have the same heart. When I know I am ready I will talk to HG. I have read nearly all of his books and I have learned so much. I need to close this chapter of my life and I think he can help me.
N is a complex being (diagnosis NPD with psychopathic traits). When we were together he was a successful executive and we had all the makings of an amazing future. After I left, he fell foul into addiction and even served time in prison. His fall from grace was a big one! He was a private school boy 2 years ahead of himself in school (gifted intelligence). He was good looking, so charming and he was a part of my life, my whole life until I ran away. I felt like a piece of me was missing that whole time but I was able to find both peace and happiness eventually and move on with my life. I feel very grateful as I know that he could’ve very easily ruined my life, I had a second chance and I took it.
I have been a revered tool of triangulation for him since that time and I have had many ex girlfriends contact my family and try and make contact with me searching for answers. He chose me as his excuse for breaking down, his tool to create insecurities in others. He has kept this falsehood alive after all this time. I am the perfect back story to his downfall and he is so calculated in delivering it. Even while absent I am being used.
N’s father is a Psychopath but a very successful one as a specialist in Dermatology and Brigadeer in the army. He was very abusive to N when we were growing up. I saw it and I felt it. I was so afraid of his father and now that I look back with an adult lense there are no surprises as to why N became who is is.
So Mercy, here I am writing to you and sharing my heart. I would love to hear more about your situation. How long have you been separated from N? Where are you at in your journey? Thank you for listening xx
Sarah,
Your story is very moving. I can see how it would be hard to move on in your case having this person in your life since childhood. The bonds we make when we are young are the hardest ones to let go. This is when we learn to create those bonds and when we are impressionable and vulnerable. To tie yourself to someone who is wearing a mask at that age, then to see who he really is would be devastating. A very hard betrayal to overcome.
I too have a hard time talking about my relationship as a whole. I can comment and give bits and pieces of what I’ve experienced but to put the entire relationship into words is very uncomfortable for me.
I was never his primary source although I didn’t know that. For the first 4 years or so he had me convinced we were exclusive. It wasn’t until last year that I learned about all the other women during this time. He never committed to me. Very early he made it clear that he could not commit. I thought it was a commitment phobia at the time. He often said he was “broken” and couldn’t express his emotions even though he felt them. It’s troubling to me that I accepted this. For 4 years it was him and I (or so I thought). We would travel together, spend weekends together, nights at his place. I felt I had the best of both worlds. I had my independence and I had someone I loved to share experiences with.
It sounds better than it was though. During this time I had my doubts as to where he was when I wasn’t around, I questioned his lies, I was stood up often when plans were made and I cried alot because of the punishments for questioning him (silent treatments). I was hanging on because I thought he would face his commitment fears and realize he could trust me and that we were perfect for each other….the only thing he trusted about me was that I was going nowhere.
With this realization it became fun for him to test me to see how much I could handle. It was after a very big fight and silent treatment that he told me he started to have sex with other women. I was absolutely devastated. He offered a commitment but it came with a price…he wanted a open relationship. I agreed.
The story goes on and doesn’t paint a very good picture of me. The abuse just got worse and the grip he had on me tightened. I found out I was never the only one and not only was there a primary source but many others as well.
The last 3 years has been a battle between us and if it wasn’t for the knowledge I’ve gained from HG about who I’m dealing with, I would have lost the battle early on. As it stands I’ve managed to hang on to a piece of who I was 7 years ago and I’m now building myself back up.
Your experience (and many others) has helped me face my insecurities. After reading your story I realize how little respect I had for myself when it came to him. You should be proud that you stayed true to yourself and walked away. Your strength is inspiring. I’m glad you are here and are facing the issues that have held this man in your thoughts for so long.
I went NC (real NC) just this week. There have been many times that I left but I always knew I could get back in if I wanted to. This time I don’t want to. I need to be done so I can live freely. I plan to be GOSO from this point forward and I’m leaning heavly on this site to help me through.
Thanks so much for this conversation. It feels good to express myself even if it is a uncomfortable subject.
Goodness, this was a powerful read. It’s a bit different for me in the respect that I’ve had three (possibly 2 & 1/2) absolute sexual Masters. So I know they are out there.
As you mention, the key to it all is really in divorcing the sex from the love. When I left my ex, I did so because I really wanted to experience what love was like. As time has gone on, I’m just not sure that is possible anymore. I’ve made my peace with that.So my explorations are now in sex and only that.
It is a truism but time is a great healer. The memories will fade.
I hope you are happy with your husband.
Mercy, you rock <3
Mercy, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry for the way that N treated you. My heart broke when you wrote of the timing in which he told you about the other women in his life.
To see you vulnerable and to use it to his advantage in such a manipulative and selfish way to extract every last ounce of your feeling toward him is unforgivable. What a coward and so underserving of your love.
Mercy, the outcome being no contact for you is absolutely amazing!! I am so, so happy to hear that you have now given him your silence as that is all he deserves. In time, no contact becomes your strength and what you are most proud of. I know it is hard and it is a fight to make the decision and stick to it everyday for a while. I did it because I knew I had to initially and not because I wanted to. The decision came from a place of strength but at the time I didn’t feel strong.
My best advice is break away from social media altogether for a while. It is amazing the freedom this gives you and it centres you and brings you back into your real life, making real relationships a focus. My other advice is join the gym (with a personal trainer) if you don’t already go. Make sure he is gorgeous and has an amazing 6 pack 😜 Seriously, even that is hard at first but it was the best thing I ever did. Healthy body, healthy mind and having a handsome fit man encouraging you along the way really helps as your heart may not be ready for a relationship for a while!!
Remember you have a heart of gold and that is why you were chosen. Find the people who make you feel safe, who you sit in a room with and you look at them and know your heart is safe in their hands. People who respect your boundaries and have good boundaries themselves make you feel strong.
Finally as Quasi always says know we have your back here at bar site. I have loved connecting with you xxx
Thank you Sarah and Shesaw. Both of your stories have shown strength and self respect. Qualities I always strive for .
Sarah, I am back at the gym .This last year I really gave up on everything but I loved the way I felt when I was comfortable in my own skin. That and NC are my first steps to getting my life back…BTW my trainer Is a hottie. Very easy on the eyes 😉
Keep having sex with them—you’ll see, it’ll magically go bad. Mine began with hours of jack hammering and complex verbal fantasies and by the end of it—no foreplay, silent penetration and he fell asleep. I tried to move away but i ‘wasn’t allowed’—and then he started snoring with one hand grasping a breast. I was basically a human blanket, or maybe a surrogate womb. He was obsessed with impregnation fantasies, but i think he was the baby.
It is all a big fantasy and when the reality comes out, it’s a bit disturbing.
Oh god, that sounds familiar.
I laughed out loud on this one! I know I heard all kinds of crazy fantasies. Scary stuff, dirty stuff, funny stuff. I heard all. Nothing shocks me these days! LOLOL! specially his sexual fantasies about his own daughters that I caught… no in words but in different manners. Something is up…. definitely. Incest runs on the back of my mind and I know I am not imagining things………….
Omg, this is the first time I’ve read this in all my reading of late. My N also fantasized about impregnating women. Thanks for sharing.
I have seriously considered keeping my narc as my sex toy for the same reasons everyone presents: the fucking was fucking phenomenal.
I have considered all the options, even keep him as my dirty little secret (since I have ammunition enough to use against him if he decided to play dirty with me).
But I pondered about it because there are some issues that keep that pleasure from me. Mostly would be my fear of getting a STD since the impression I am getting is that they don’t let the opportunity to pass…
So, STDs is one point.
The second point is that he would catch on that, especially if I didn’t respond and acted accordingly for him to think that I am “under”.
Sucks. I agree. Why cant we just have sex without him trying to own my life???? So unfair!!
Somebody is going to get lucky one of these days and it will be HIS fault.
😧 I sound weird.
Am I turning into a narc myself? Rhetorical question.
Kathy Mor
Ohhh I understand. The sex was the main reason I kept returning. That and my feelings for him which I am confused whether it was addiction or love or both. The sex was out of this fucking world. Anywhere and everywhere. He is incredibly talented and he literally would feast on me. I have a very high sex drive so it was typical for us to have sex 3-4 times a day. I literally was in heaven! He woke up my sexuality and it frustrates the fuck out of me that I cannot have sex with him anymore. I know I could if I wanted but the cost has become too high for me.
I can use exactly the same excuse as to why I came back to mine.
The cost is high to all of us. Not just you. But all of us. Even if we could dissociate emotionally, which can be done, especially if you engage in a relationship with a normal guy but there is too much too lose and for what?
You screw up a good relationship with someone normal who can give you what you need, not just a human dildo.
Besides now that I know what he is after, I can’t get myself to even get as horny as I used to when I think about the STDs.
I guess before HG, the thought ran in my mind but because I was not 100% sure if my perceptions were correct (that my narc would jump in bed with anyone he found attractive or provided him with fuel) but…after listening to HG, I did a research on a nickname he used to have. Guess what find out? He had profiles on web sites looking for quick sex, one night stands and affairs with married women. He looked for women not only here in the US but at UK as well where he used to travel.
I saw a whole dialogue between him and this woman, how their affair evolved, and how it ended with her leaving him because he didn’t want to see her as often. Does it sound familiar?
She was just smarter than me. I stayed. She fucked him for sometime and when she figure he wouldn’t deliver it in a consistent manner, she booted his ass in the web site and began talking to this other dude about what they were going to do sexually. Yep, just like that.
After that, he disappeared from that web site. No more messages posted.
I had chills going down my spine. From being emotionally hurt I became scared.
I just did my annual check up and everything came fine in my blood work. I am NOT going to risk my health now that I know what he’s up to.
Look even if I was still thinking emotionally, as a RN, I have seen first hand what AIDS does to a person, how the death process happens. The physical devastation and the systematic break down of the human body while the person is still alive it is one of the most dehumanizing diseases. It consumes and destroys.
AIDS does to your body, what the narcissist does to your spirit. I don’t need to experience both concurrently. I am done with him.
Kathy, unfortunately it can’t work that way. Trust me I’ve tried many many different ways to keep him in my life in some way. Friends, Fwb, a shoulder for him to lean on, casual acquaintance, lover, bf, enemy…in the end they have to hurt you. We are not wired to feel nothing and they are not wired to make us feel good. I’ll never forget the sentence HG wrote “in the end it has to hurt”. I don’t know what article it was but I say it to myself all the time because I know it’s inevitable. If you think about it, every interaction with the narc feels like the end. Whether it is us thinking about escape or them with a constant foot out the door, it always feels like the end and it always hurts.
Sex alone is not worth the sacrifice of you sanity.
Omg Mercy! And I thought there was something wrong with me because he evoked that feeling of loss in me since the very beginning, more precisely since the very first time we met, even during the golden period when everything was absolutely right. Every time we went apart, it felt like it was the last time I would see him. Many times I cried because I felt overwhelmed. I never understood what was happening to me, why I felt that way about a guy I just began a relationship with. It is not normal. He would hug me and then tell me that he was not going anywhere, that we would see each other soon. It is very strange that I felt that way from the very first time. It felt too good to be true.
I know it wouldn’t work. I haven’t tried any of that. I just know I couldn’t be his “friend” because of the sexual component alone. I couldn’t be his lover only because the emotional entanglement. He would devalue me and I would begin to comply to get his approval and the whole thing would start all over again. No.
Yes, I remember HG’s words too.
My narc many times held my shoulders, he had this blank stare in his eyes as he look through me, not at me. There was almost a hint of despair in his voice. He would say: “Kathy, I have to hurt you. Do you understand that? Do you understand that I have to hurt you? It is the only way I can love you. This is how I love. Do you understand me?”
I thought he meant something else because the BDSM component and I would say: yes, I do. But in my mind, it would be a spanking, a tighter restraint, something along those lines. I never imagined he meant in a concrete manner.
Then he would hug me tight and say: “ I will never let you go. Never. You are mine until I die. Do you understand that? It does not matter what happens, you belong to me, all of you. You are completely, totally mine. You are my soul.”
I didn’t understand it. He would calm down after that and be normal again. I could feel him relaxing in a strange way. I can’t quite explain. I knew his input of affection was different than mine. We were not exactly on the same page, I just didn’t understand how.
Now when I look back and remember the trance look in his face, I can tell he was looking inside of him. The hint of despair was about not being able to stop what was coming. Impulsive, instinctive.
The connection was so symbiotic, so strong and palpable that I could feel the energy running through my body like an electrical current, a palpable bruit throughout. It was incredible. As soon as our hands touched I would immediate relax. I would feel at home. His embrace was warm and humid to my senses as if he pulled me into himself. The way he kissed me, wasn’t a kiss. Was consumption. He wanted to absorb me into himself and frustrated him that he couldn’t physically do that. So he was rough. He would hurt me to get that level of consumption. My pain was fuel. Then he would stop and take me. It was insane.
The whole BDSM Dom/sub dynamic totally threw me off the scent with my recent Greater too, Kathy. Having been ensnared by several narcissists over the years, I like to think that my narcdar is pretty finely tuned now, but like you, I put a lot of his behaviour down to that. Before I realised that he is a narcissist I agreed wholeheartedly to give him carte blanche to treat me in any way he pleased, both during ‘normal’ daily interaction and sexually. The sexual component is the most scary though, actually now that I think about it there wasn’t much actual sex at all. I won’t go into too much detail because some of it is too awful, but basically I was tightly restrained, gagged, blindfolded and made to wear a full hood with only two very small nose holes, which he periodically blocked for a while to intensify my terror and his pleasure. Now that I know what I know, I’m absolutely terrified and can’t believe that I put myself in that position, especially with a virtual stranger. He made it feel like it was all my idea and that I was the driving force. I now know what he is capable of and that he would have absolutely no qualms about inflicting serious physical harm if he felt like it. Incidentally, I recently watched programs about Fred and Rosemary West and what he did to me (and planned to do during subsequent meetings) was terrifyingly similar to what they did to their victims. What a stupid bitch I am, really, I’m not safe to be out alone. You read about stories like that in the press and you think how could that happen… this is how!
Kathy More, that’s really intense. I don’t think I could have handled that. It had to be suffocating. My narc was just the opposite. He was horrible at showing emotion .When he did show it, it was so over the top that I could see through it. It never felt real to me. Maybe because he withheld affection so often that when he finally showed it I knew it was a lie. Someone that witholds affection as a manipulation tool can’t possibly be taken seriously when he finally wants to show it.
I remember the first time he told me he loved me. It was through email. I got mad and turned my phone off the rest of the day….he thought he was going to lose me so that was his hail marry. For years I wanted to hear him say those 3 words and when he finally did all I felt was anger.
They know how to keep a firm grip on us. Yours wanted to make you feel consumed, mine wanted me to chase the affection. It all so twisted.
Kathy, reading through your comments just freaked me out. It’s like we were talking about the same person. My N would also say, “you are mine, you belong to me.” And sometimes during sex he would ask, “who owns you?”
And I was perfectly fine with all of it at the time… Before I knew.
Yes, I guess it is typical. Mine did the same, sometimes his hand squeezing my throat. If you are in Texas maybe we are talking about the same guy? Wouldn’t that be funny? We could simply destroy him!
I even thought about creating a web site: If you have been screwed by such and such, click here.
LOL! Dangerous!
merrymagenta
I don’t think I could have done that. To be restrained and in a hood like that would have made my ptsd go in overdrive. Although my ex and I played around in bdsm it was more of a lighter side of it. I do have thoughts about being completely restrained but in a different way than how you experienced it. I now realize I never trusted him enough to give up all my control to him.
Trust is everything especially when you are experimenting in the bedroom.
I don’t enjoy hoods myself. Restraints ok but hoods no. I don’t enjoy vanilla sex. But I won’t try those waters again until I know who I am dealing with. If ever again.
Hottie, easy on the eye?! Mercy you are all over this 😂👏 So nice chatting with you – can’t wait to read your updates on narc site xx
That you see love and sex as completely distinct is part of a narcissist’s pathology.
I thought I’d never have sex as good again after my narc boyfriend. He was my first, and what I’d been trained to think by society was that men were rutting brutes who never gave women anything, and that I was therefore super lucky to get a man who cared. Then when I finally, FINALLY had sex again? It was fantastic. And with someone else again? Also fantastic. It’s best with my husband of anyone I’ve ever been with, but the only time it approached “bad” was with the narcissist, because I often felt bad afterward, knowing I should not have fallen into his clutches again.
Love is an angel disguised as lust. To those of us who can love. Even a passing fling is an expression of love; it doesn’t have to be eternal to be real. Nor does it have to be vanilla. There are things that you can’t know, H.G.
I know everything, naturally (apart from the reason for James Corden’s success).
HG,
Do you know the story of the Gruffalo?
I have heard of this Gruffalo but I do not know its story.
There is no such thing as a Gruffalo.
Of course there is. Its head is on the wall in my study.
Clever little children’s story…the animated movie version was my introduction to James Corden…now I know way more than I *ever* wanted to about him…lol; thanks to Narcsite.
Hahaha.
WC, I had not heard of it either. Of course I googled. It was voted the UKs favorite bedtime story in 2009. Also won an award for The Best Book to Read Aloud. I’d love to hear HG read it to us. I’m a fan of the voice.
MB,
I second the suggestion of HG reading us a bedtime story…
However, I do think that Helena Bonham Carter does an excellent job narrating the animated version – as well as its other voice cast members (including James Corden – sorry HG.)
MB – I recall first learning of The Gruffalo…it was through a client of mine; a Egyptian PhD student and his child…his son was wearing a costume while visiting his dad on campus and I commented on what a wonderful ‘Max’ costume it was. His dad corrected me and in surprise he said: “Don’t you know know about the Gruffalo?!” This, from international student from an entirely different culture and continent. (I thought his child was dressed as Max from ‘Where the Wild Things Are’) Anyway, I was obliged to educate myself…
Back to the topic of voices; I would pay good money to hear HG do a voice-over in a villainous role, as his voice has much depth and rich nuance similar to Jeremy Irons (who has done some memorable villains.)
WC, I hadn’t heard of The Gruffalo until yesterday. I plan to order the book. They charge for it in £ on Amazon.
I agree that HG could make good $ doing the villainous voice over work for Disney. I would like for him to be discovered and recognized for his many talents. Although that would mean he wouldn’t have time for us little people anymore. We could say we knew him when…
MB – I suspect that HG has much more in store than working for Disney (although it would be an interesting addition to his repertoire of accomplishments.)
Enjoy the book! But you really should check out the movie – the author, Julia Donaldson was very involved in the creation of the animated version, so IMO it’s one of those rare examples where the movie is as good – or better – than the book.
Me too. That accent…. superb.
Oh HG it is a wonderful children’s book! The animated version is done so well that even a 2 year old will sit and watch with many a belly roll!😊
This comment made me watch James Corden’s carpool karaoke with Bruno Mars again. If that video doesn’t make you all smiles, there is something really wrong with you. But it made my day HG, I’m all ready to do some mind-numbing boring household duties now, which I do not frequently enough, because I spent far too much time on your blog. Thank you so much sweetheart and enjoy your day! xx
I now have to go and do some damage. It is your fault Blank.
Blank, I adore Bruno mars! That’s a great show!!
HG, you are in a whole other universe 😘
HG,
Now…I’m curios about James Corden. At least: a chance to find out something YOU don’t know.
The hidden/secret door in your house (I know you must have one, you’re top secret and you know everything – you must keep those records somewhere) is for sure behind that Gruffalo’s head. Lol. Are you a hunter (not a women hunter- that’s something we can rest assured of) in real life? Seeing your “admiration” for this James Corden from UK, I would risk a guess you’re nearly 40 y.o. That’s why you see him somehow as an “attention competitor”.
I choose your site at any hour instead of his show (I know it’s just a drop, but don’t forget that drop by drop…a sea appears/disappears).
Regards,
Sherlock.
I was about to explode when you referred to him as a competitor but you redeemed yourself in the next paragraph.
Omg suddenly I am feeling horribly guilty for “liking” other web sites about narcissism. I am going to unlike everyone, even though I went for them BEFORE finding HG. Still I don’t want to get lost in paradise….
The reason for James Corden’s success is his childlike persona and his resemblance to a golden retriever.
Ha ha, I like you Amaya.
That, is indeed one of the Universes’ great mysteries…
You’re really salty about JC!
You sing, right? Come out of anonymity and start Knowing The Narcissist Karaoke. You’ll be more successful. You’re waaaaay better looking!
MB, how do you know he is better looking than this James whatever? I had to google the guy because of all this fuss about him.
Spill the beans. How do you know HG is better looking than James whatever? 🤔
Kathy M, I wish I could tell you have seen the man, the myth, the legend that is HG Tudor, but I cannot. JC was described aptly similar to a Labrador puppy. HG has given hints sprinkled throughout the blog of his physical appearance. 6’1” blonde hair, blue eyes, athletic build. Similar to Daniel Craig. Now, whether these hints are true or not is inconsequential to me. I choose to imagine HG in my mind’s eye as a stone cold fox because it suits him better than imagining him as a fat bald guy in his mom’s basement with a YouTube channel. So…Labrador puppy or Bond?
Lol! I had to give you a hard time but I think HG May be speaking the truth. Yet we are safer imagining him as a stone cold fox. Most definitely…. 🙂
Kathy, I hate to break it to you, but a stone cold fox is “someone who is really hot or super fine. Someone who is gorgeous, or good looking. An attractive person.”
So…not safer, but much more fun.
Most definitely. I couldn’t agree more! LOL! We are bad…. very bad! LOL!
Yes Kathy, I have quite the naughty streak!
You don’t do any damage HG, because I know you are just a soft cuddly sheep in wolfsclothing
Yawn.
Not being a Brit, I had to look up James Corden. From what I can see, he’s a mediocrity. Hard-working mediocrities find success much more easily than people who are original, especially if said mediocrities suck up to the right people. Most people don’t like having to think. Even more, most people in charge of the entertainment industry are narcs themselves, and they spend a lot of their time undercutting anyone with true creativity.
Now, to make myself smile, I’m going to watch a video by someone who does have that spark narcs hate: “Tacky” by Weird Al.
Fair points.
“I was about to explode when … but you redeemed yourself….”
Tudor, wounding/criticising was not my intention, I only wanted to explain (partially) my guess on the 40 y.o.
My apologies if it sounded somehow odd…no intention to compare. You are unique (as we all are) and you have many qualities for sure: you showed us most of them.
“Happy birthday to you!” in advance. It’s approaching and I don’t have much time these days: my hubby’s birthday comes soon -yes, he’s got a narcissist mother, the same knee pain from football, he enjoys walking/staying in the rain and he’s highly pragmatic and a little low on the empathy scale but he’s not a narcissist for sure; he exposed his vulnerabilities to me in real life (the way you do here) – and told me he knows that it might have been a huge mistake; it must sound awful and weak to you, but that’s what made me love him more; he told me he doesn’t want fear – not that I am a woman to keep using those methods – or only admiration, he also wants love from me, he doesn’t want to control me, he feels more of a man if I’m free to go, yet I choose to stay). Reading your site made me appreciate more what I’ve got. Before… I loved him but I kinda took him for granted, as people often do…My story is a testimony that your site can not only cause a breakup but also fortify a normal marriage.
Much appreciated, Tudor!
Happy birthday (again) and have a nice party!
You did not wound me, I was being playful.
Ha, I’ve not listened to HG speaking, I only read, partly because I’m not in the mood lately to get overly attached as I’ve got certain things I’m working on at the moment (effectively I think!) and I have an auditory fetish. Down the road when I feel the need for some comfort and I’m in the right frame of mind (feeling satisfied in some specific areas) I’ll probably initiate some binge-ing when it’s suitable and beneficial for me
; ).
I love the bedtime story idea.
I saw JC on his show once and found him instantly annoying, fwiw.
Will check out the Gruffalo.
Christine,
exactly my thoughts. I am completely unable to separate the concepts of love and sex. There is no separation at all. Zero.
Same, Christine, even at my age I can’t separate the two. Which made this betrayal even more difficult.
Christine: This is a valid point you make! After finding myself in long silent treatments and then discharge phase (and finally finding out that he was having an affair) one of the things that caused a lot of pain for me was the thought and fear of losing ‘the sex thing’, too, for good. Now, when I can think more clearly, thanks to Mr. Tudor and you all, there must be such men out there who can really go with the flow in sex, and it can and will be as gratifying if better. And vanilla sex with some real love on top sounds great to me at this point… Now I’m just trying to recover but hope the day will come when I can shake the sheets again with someone who can give and take a little bit of the love thing, too. Actually I’m amazed that I still have it in me. We empaths can be pathetically resilient, right?
You’ll get there! It took me years, but once I was ready, the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else ;). It wasn’t an earth-shattering romance or anything, just a fun and loving one. Then I kept on having pretty good relationships until my husband and I stumbled into one another. The sex keeps getting better with him too, and it’s been over 10 years.
You already know your ex is a narcissist, so you’re ahead of the game. Gotta love yourself first, though. Then you can tell someone else how to love you.