Jettison
There comes a time when this must happen to everybody who has been ensnared by us. There is no hope for anything different. In the way that the world keeps on turning and the planets waltz around the sun, we will always cast you to one side. Of the many cruelties which we exact against you, this ranks as one of the worst. You might think that it is a blessing that the daily machinations and manipulations have ended but you will not see it that way when you are dis-engaged from. Indeed, you may not ever realise it.
You are given no warning that you are about to be dis-engaged, although if you know to look for them, there are actually signs that point to what is about to happen. Invariably you are unable to see them because you cannot see or think clearly for the maelstrom that continues to rage around you. There are times when the dis-engagement takes place that it is almost as if we have vanished into thin air. Yesterday we met you for lunch as normal and today you have no idea where we are. You have telephoned but our number is no longer in service. You call our work but you are told that we are unavailable as our assigned gatekeeper keeps you at bay. You wait around trying to catch a glimpse of us in order to speak with us and find out what is going on. You see hide nor hair of us and rather than be angry you are worried and concerned both for us and our relationship, or at least what was once our relationship. This form of the dis-engagement is swift and brutal. Here yesterday and gone today. We put in place a ring of steel which we will not allow you to penetrate. When this form of dis–engagement has been effected you are actually receiving a double whammy of discard and an absent silent treatment. This is designed to reinforce like a hammer blow that you are no longer of any use to us. We do not want to see you, we do not want to hear from you and we do not want to read your e-mails, messages and texts. At least not yet. This form of dis-engagement arises because we have already replaced you. We have found a new primary source of fuel and he or she is a thousand times better than you. We have brought down the shutters, raised the drawbridge and built our castle walls thick and high as we now sit in the throne room with our new, wonderful and perfect primary source by our side. You have been struck from the record, deleted and erased.
We do not want you distracting us from this most precious person that we have found. The truth is that the memory of us being linked to you irritates and infuriates us. We thought that you were the one who would supply us with positive fuel always. Despite the other failures that had gone before you, you showed such promise and we gave you everything in order to seduce you. Now you are placed on the appliance pile, rejected and broken, of no current use to us. You let us down and we bristle at the thought that we even considered you might be of use to us. Your failure and the fact we chose you means that we feel criticised and the ignition of our fury results in a cold fury that creates this icy hinterland that we place between you and us. We want nothing more to do with you.
Until we decide of course it is time to hoover you.
This sudden and unexplained cessation of the relationship is only temporary. We will look to reinstate it at some point in order to extract hoover fuel from you, but you do not know this. All you know is that we were once there and no we are no longer and it hurts. Your soul has been wrenched from within you. It does not matter how badly we hurt you, you still wanted that golden period and our sudden departure has denied that from ever happening again, or at least that is what you are led to believe. Your pain is absolute, combined with the confusion and bewilderment.
Another way in which we cast you to one side is akin to being repeatedly dunked in a barrel of icy water. Each time your dunking lasts a little longer and you fear you cannot hold your breath any longer and this time this is it, you are on your way out, only for us to haul you out and that sweet and precious air fills your lungs, if only for an instance before you are thrust back into the water. During that interlude, as the water cleared from your eyes and you gulped great lungfuls of air you saw someone else stood by our side, watching you with a look of curiosity on their face. This is your replacement but we have not yet decided that they are to replace you as we are giving you the chance to prove yourself and provide some further fuel before we push you away and leave you spluttering and gasping on the ground beside the barrel. We never finish you off. That would be pointless.
We always need to come back, not that you will realise that as you lie panting and shaking on the ground, cold and soaked, watching as we stroll away, our arm around the new prospect. This steady and controlled discard takes place as we lose interest in you but we have no desire to make our departure sudden and swift. We want to hedge our bets as we firm up our arrangements with your replacement, fine-tuning that seduction as we continue to extract fuel from you through this dunking. We push and pull, toying with your emotions.
This is not part of the devaluation even though we exhibit a similar behaviour during that time when we denigrate you and then grant respite. No, this is different. When this is undertaken in an accelerated fashion then you know that it is a form of dis-engagement. We may give you a week of hell and then several weeks of the golden period before hell again. That is the push and pull of devaluation. When this technique is applied as discard it is disorientating as one day is fine and the next is not and then fine again. You feel like you are being figuratively bludgeoned and as you try and get your bearings you stagger across the boxing ring away from us only to meet another opponent who continues the beating and then sends you on your way to the next one.
These are just two forms of the way we will dis-engagement you. Why do we do it? As ever it is all about fuel. With the first it is because we have new and brilliant fuel and no longer wish to be reminded about your faltering and weak fuel. In the second we have not yet confirmed that the new source is as potent as we require and in the meanwhile we decide to continue to extract further fuel from you as your severance from us takes place in typical salami-slicing fashion. In every entanglement with our kind you will eventually be dis-engaged. You won’t see it coming but it is always in the post, coming along the highway, wending its way towards you.
Don’t be too concerned though. No dis-engagement is for ever. We always come back for more.
36 thoughts on “Jettison”
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I gotta question. I am a disengaged from ipss. Does the Narc get annoyed to see those he has disengaged from going on and succeeding at something ? Or do they just not care ? It seems I read somewhere that Narcissists become annoyed when they see you doing well or succeeding at something in spite of what they did to you
Yes, if we know about it.
I know we talk a lot here about emotional thinking. But isn’t narcissism a form of extreme ET?
Narcissism isn’t an extreme form of emotional thinking, but we (narcissists) are affected by emotional thinking in certain aspects.
Isn’t the narcissist’s desire of revenge a form of emotional thinking? I know that narcissists are vindictive. In addition, you Mr. Tudor tell us that our emotional thinking makes us want to take revenge from the narcissist.
No. Your emotional thinking causes that purely to make you engage, when the better logical option is to go no contact, reduce your emotional thinking and then consider a form of revenge once you have had at least 6 months of solid no contact so you apply logic to the revenge programme. If you try when your ET is high, you will mess it up.
Logic for the narcissist is to gain fuel, to punish and to crush, therefore the desire for revenge is entirely logical for the narcissist’s needs.
HG, your depictions are an amazing tool for driving the point home and really help me visualize what is going on inside a narcissist’s head. You are an excellent writer (not sure if you get tired of reading that comment). This is not lip service. I find your writing extremely helpful. Thank you.
The language you use is graphic and illustrates an extreme cruelty to the devaluation process. How can narcissists behave so cruelly with such intent? I have read the articles pertaining to “are they aware of what they do?” I have read that narcissists see themselves as victims and lash out after a perceived wound.
But based on your writing, you understand that the severe attack on the person causing the wound is disproportionate (chopping her leg off as a response to a papercut). Further, your writing denotes an understanding that these wounds are an exaggerated affliction (although the pain feels very real and I am very sorry) with assumed intent.
With all this knowledge and self-awareness, do you not see the logic in alternate behavior? I can see that you do apply compassion and a concern for others here and it is definitely appreciated and helpful to everyone.
Thank you for your kind comments, there has been more of an alternative route available in certain scenarios to respond in a pro social manner.
You are most welcome and thank you.
I’ve never experienced a disguard personally. I guess my fuel was good. But I only tolerate the devaluation to a certain degree then I’m out. I am caring and empathic and I’ve been a fool in the past thinking the narcissist was just damaged goods and could be saved by love. But I’ve also been aware enough to know that if I’m being abused or starting to feel crazy, it’s in my own best interests to walk away for my own sanity. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.
I know it hurts, but the “victim” at some point needs to have enough self respect and self worth to take stock, realise their environment isn’t good for their mental health and leave once their aware of the devaluation happening… Long before it reaches this phase.
I feel like I was to shake some people and say “please love yourself first”.
And as HG says “When you know, you go.”
So…. now I’m getting unknown calls to my phone that I am unable to dial back. I have had 2 in the last 4 days. I dont get unknown calls but then I think why would he do that when he could just unblock me on Facebook? Any ideas ?
Its far too straight forward to unblock you when they can torment you with mind games and draw fuel from your uncertainty about what’s going on.
I don’t know it’s him for sure. All I know is I haven’t had one of those calls since the last narc 8 years ago. I have revived an unknown call but I was able to call it back and if was someone I knew and for some reason their number wasn’t registering. Now I have had 2 in 3 days and I can’t call the number back which means it’s someone blocking their number
Truth. The narcissist ex affair partner tried this, calling my husband using Whatsapp repeated times to try to get him to respond after he’d blocked her number and Facebook account. This went on for days.
Fight fire with fire. I installed the app and used her number to verify the account, knowing a message would go out to her. I did this every time she did it. I am sure she didn’t appreciate being thwarted by me, which is the point. Every time she tried to contact him she got me instead. This was particularly effective with email.
They all seem to use this tactic. The first one did it too. It’s completely bizarre how they all do the same shit. They all have different personalities but the behavior is all the same. No response is the best response. I don’t know with absolute certainty it was him
Hg
I assume these types of calls fit into the passive hoover category ? Are passive just like the narcissist saying ehhh I have better supply but let me check on her to keep her in the game
Passive hoovers are low maintenance and are designed to aim to provoke you into responding.
One reason a narc can’t be exposed is because once we know what they are, it’s so easy for us to hurt them. A few words of criticism without emotion, let’s throw in, in front of other people. Easy. But that’s not us, we don’t derive pleasure from being mean.
Everyone knows bullies are weak. Doesn’t that diminish those deeds above any?
HG, I know you personally are not interested, but is there, even a rare chance, a narc could learn love, peace and happiness, if they wanted to? I mean is there actually a process, a way?
I know you’re humans, but your articles laugh at us for believing there’s anything good in you. Surely now that you’re grown, you realize you don’t have to perform for us, we like you even when you’re mean. You pretend love and empathy every day, you understand us and our emotions, so you have learned what love is, whether you feel it or not. If narc are psychopaths, then maybe I can understand how they can’t be rehabilitated. It’s just I know you have good things in you, it’s in your writings, your humor, your intellect, your personalities, you do have empathy to some degree, that stuff’s not faked.
Kelly, I know that your remark was directed at HG and his resources which have obviously proven to be helpful to many victims, but I had to reply on this one as I found your last notion quite disturbing. As hard as it may seem to come to grips with that fact, but you – and no one else – are on „eye level“ with individuals who have been clinically diagnosed with NPD. Please keep in mind that the materials provided here, first hand, are a chance for you to get truly educated on the topic. There is no ulteriour motive of ‚helping‘ in the altruistic sense which has been made very clear by HG himself. I assume it must be quite tempting, esp. as an empathic human being, to intellectualize the whole topic and to read more into the up-front, open and polite demeanour on this blog – which is a safe and anonymous and ‚formal‘ area as opposed to the private life and as opposed to direct human interaction – than there actually is.
Please prescind from your emotional (or wishful) thinking concerning this topic. The extensive and concise information provided, especially on H G Tudor‘s blog, should leave no questions open as to what NPD actually means and how it severely and repeatedly impacts human relationships and interactions and will continue to do so. Please take that, on a very rational level, very seriously. It might be helpful to remind oneself of the fact, that, the very minute people are discussing in the shelter of the comment section here or in other forums, out there, in the very real life, there are people suffering horribly due to narcissistic abuse, are unable to figure out what happened to them or where to turn for help.
Concerning your feeling that there must be some empathy (left) – HG wrote about the three strands of empathy, which is, in my view, very helpful to understand the concepts and the difference between e.g. cognitive and affective empathy.
From what I have read in many comments, particularly on this blog, I am convinced that extensive information on NPD is but the FIRST step into healing and awareness for victims.
Well written.
Saskia,
My boss who feels something like a brother to me is a greater narcissist. I not only just realized that after eight years, but have also just figured out that my mother, brother, probably my great grandmother were narcissists too. Narcissism affected me, my childhood, who I am. I want to be free of it.
This blog has been a great resource for me as I come to try to get an understanding and grasp of something that makes no sense.
Please do not think I’m on here to try to intellectualize it. Looking for wishful thinking. My comments are honest. My questions are real, and looking for the facts.
Please do not make me feel uncomfortable asking a question.
People I love are suddenly void, it’s not just the writings, humor, personality of HG, but of my actual brother (who has passed, and I can’t ask him anything), to my elderly mother, and this very powerful man I work with.
Saskia,
I found your comment negative, and definitely not what I needed today. Support and understanding is a mark of empathy that I don’t detect in your comment. I feel like you have judged me as unworthy of asking a question.
Kelly, I respect that you feel offended and do not find my answer empathic or helpful in your specific situation. I understand your perspective as it is hard to wrap one’s head around the fact that there are people who have a different mindset, particularly when those people are close friends and family. Yet, in my answer I was referring to the last section in your previous comment where you wrote that you “just knew” there were still good things – despite the information provided.
It was not a question you asked or a vague assumption you made (all fine) – it was a statement which indicated, at least to some extent, denial about the true nature of NPD. That is downright dangerous and, unfortunately, keeps many, many victims – some professionals call them survivors – stuck in the abusive cycle or, without proper evaluation and (self-)awareness, makes them fall prey to the next narcissist.
(And, granted, there are even many professionals with extensive knowledge and experience in the field who have their difficulties to adequately assess and treat NPD ..- so yes, how can you, as a victim I suppose, “just know”?)
This is why I wrote that getting informed on NPD is only the first step of many for victims who are recovering from narcissistic abuse.
As Gypsy quoted HG’s words in her comment above “when you know, you go”.
Understand and thank you for your reply.
I’m talking about someone I work with- I did leave & was hovered through surveillance cameras at the office & I decided fine, if you can’t beat them, join them because maybe that will end things. Then I told him No more, and distanced myself at work & was treated to a kind of discipline & a rage. My other existing narc is my elderly mother who lives out of state-last time I visited her, as I was just learning she was narcissistic, I stood up to her over her constant badgering of the dog & she got mad at me & stated I never used to talk to her that way.
I understand what you’re saying but I’m human & the most I can do is repeat in my head ‘he’s a robot, he’s a robot’ as I commented to HG. Mind you I apologize to bugs before I squash them.
My radar went off in the very beginning with my boss- it’s just I didn’t know narcissists existed then. I wasn’t seduced by him, I was lured & intrigued by his impressive talent of telepathic trances.
My statement about ‘just knowing’ was a question- and it was answered by HG. And understood as that’s where Robot comes from.
I only suggest you show more compassion and worry less about being right as you sound a little on the narc side to me. I don’t know that you are, but you definitely seem more hard than soft.
I have learned a lot about narcissism and how to perceive it and deal with it. It’s not just something from the present, it’s how I was raised. I’m learning a lot about myself.
Please do not correct me anymore
Lori,
Thank you very much. It’s worth a whole lot to me.
No and your emotional thinking cons you into thinking there is a way. Divest yourself of such a notion, now.
I appreciate that reply, I know you’re giving me the best advice. It did make me cry. I will rethink them as the most realistic robots ever, I suppose. Thank you.
You are welcome.
Kelly
For what it’s worth, I didn’t find any of your comments “disturbing” I found them rather normal.
Imo the reply you got from Saskia seemed rather weird and disproportionate to your comments but that’s my opinion.
I think we’ve all got that HG is a narcissist.
I enjoyed reading this exchange, as I too have been guilty of this idealistic thinking re: HG. And it all stems from emotional imbuing, rather than logic and reason.
HG, you and most of your kind have this gift when it comes to making us feel at ease. You could probably notice things about me that others might not notice, which would instill a false sense of understanding. ‘You really get me!’
One has to regard a Greater like HG as one might a venomous snake. They go about their lives and will do what they need to do to survive, but you also should not be handling one nor have one as a pet. Don’t be shocked when it bites you, finally.
I remember watching some show about humans who owned deadly pets and this guy owned a python and the thing had gone very long without food and so apparently the python ate the owner.
I am sure that owner was convinced there was a ‘bond’ between them but in the end, a python does not feel affection the way a dog or cat does and if it needs to eat, it will eat you.
HG, you are very good at making people feel at ease with your humor, wit, playfulness and no-nonsense approach. You never lose your cool. But that is only the blog side of you. I am very thankful to have the opportunity to learn from you and to be a part of this ‘good’ side of you.
But you’re also well fed in your big, glass cage and you have a nice tree limb to wrap yourself around.
And one final point–another thing we need to battle against is that once we know what to look for, it is not unusual for others who have not been exposed to this shit to accuse us of being overly negative, paranoid, untrusting. Don’t listen to them.
I know that with my narcissists, I often exaggerated the good and downplayed the bad because I didn’t want to believe the bad.
Bibi, I like your snake analogy. Continuing with that, HG is the antivenin; made from the deadly poison of the snake that bit you, but is used instead to save you.
Kelly, I too hope that empathy is something that can be restored. There is a lot that is unknown about the psychology and physiology of personality disorders. I see empathy as a desirable trait, as well as honesty, compassion, patience, humility, etc. The brain is a miraculous organ and is capable of relearning things that were once destroyed.
That being said, it can be dangerous to engage with someone who is intent on hurting you. That doesn’t mean that you cannot love them and hope they change, but staying away is good for your safety. I had to show my narc that treating me a certain way (disrespect & dishonesty) is not ok. Abusers can be charming, otherwise no one would stick around.
Physical or emotional, it is your right to say no and to leave the abuse behind.
I love these pictures, especially this one, because they’re an impressionistic depiction of how the narc tries to get you to feel what they feel, not to ‘bond’ but to punish and scapegoat you for their inner dread and emptiness. It’s interesting to go there, but once I fully achieved empathic insight, I wanted out pretty quickly. I also felt a deep sympathy—but, here’s the catch: a clever person said, “why do we offer so much compassion to the narcissist, why not to the heroin addict?”—Why indeed. Be careful of your ‘sympathy’, it could be another layer of attachment.
YES IT IS BEING BEATEN WITH A BAT AND NEVER GIVEN TIME TO GET UP . EVER.
SIGH .