Surely That’s The End, Yes?

 surely-thats

“I have not heard from him in a month, he has moved on hasn’t he?”

“I exposed what she is like to all of her family, she won’t be contacting me again that’s for sure.”

“I told him I know what he is and he disappeared so I doubt I will hear from him again.”

“He is with somebody else already so I guess he won’t want me again will he?”

“I told him what I thought of him and he just backed off. He won’t hoover me will he?”

“He came crying back to me and I gave him short shrift. I doubt he will bother again.”

Wrong.

There are many different scenarios and outcomes involving our kind where the victim considers that our kind will not bother with them again post discard or post escape. The victim thinks that a period of total silence, the involvement of the narcissist with a new victim, the manner in which the relationship ended will all mean that the narcissist will not come sniffing around the victim ever again.

We will.

Why is this the case?

Firstly, you must understand our perspective. You belong to us. You are our appliance. You are our property. The Formal Relationship between us may have ended but the Narcissistic Relationship is forever. It only ends when either you or I cease to draw breath. It does not matter that we enter into a new Formal Relationship with somebody else. It does not matter if you do. It does not matter that world war three erupted when we parted company. It does not matter if there has been complete silence for two years. None of these factors alter the fact that in our minds the connection between you and I because of the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until one of us dies.

Secondly, the attraction of gathering fuel from you is substantial and this is the prime driver for never letting go. Fuel is so important to us that it drives everything about behaviour and the link between you and I is no exception to the all-pervasive power of fuel.

Thirdly, factors such as new partners, the effluxion of time and the manner in which the Formal Relationship has ended are immaterial.

I am repeatedly asked by people whether a hoover will happen. I always answer the same; the risk always remains, but you can manage that risk. People set out the circumstances of the end of the Formal Relationship to me and what has happened since (if anything) and ask whether a hoover will happen, or express their view that they do not think it will happen because of a, b or c. My answer again is the same; the risk of us returning always remains, but you can manage that risk.

It is never the end. There is always a risk, a chance, a probability (or a possibility) that we will return to you and apply a hoover. You cannot assume that it is over. No matter how much it may seem that it is over, no matter how much it may appear to you that we will not come back, that we apparently have no reason to do so, such assumptions are dangerous. There are only two factors which are material to the issue of whether you will be hoovered again.

The first factor is the Hoover Trigger. For a hoover to happen potentially, it must first be triggered. This means that you must come into our sights, that we sniff the prospective fuel that leaks from you, that something happens to cause you to come up on our radar. Whether this happens depends on whether you enter one of the six spheres of influence. I have written separately about them in The Spheres of Influence (And What You Can Do About Them) in another article. I will not repeat its content other than to state that

  1. You have control over whether you enter any of the first five spheres of influence; and
  2. You have no control over whether you enter the sixth sphere of influence.

By staying away from us through no contact you will not enter the first five spheres. The sixth sphere is when we happen to think of you. Thus, if you have successfully implemented no contact the only risk of a trigger being activated is if we happen to think of you. You cannot influence that. Our preoccupation with your replacement means we are far less likely to think of you and hoovers are triggered by you doing something to enter the first five spheres, such as messaging us or passing where we live.

If you maintain no contact the first five spheres will not be entered. It then just depends on whether we happen to think of you. This may not happen for weeks or months. You can therefore see that by staying out of the first five spheres you will vastly reduce the risk of a Hoover Trigger being activated but you cannot state that it will never happen as it is reliant on if we happen to think of you. That may just be a random occurrence or it might be because we see something that reminds us of you.

The second factor is only applicable if the Hoover Trigger has been activated. The second factor is concerns the Hoover Criteria. These criteria include such matters as: –

–         Whether you are a potent source of fuel;

–         Whether you can easily be located;

–         Whether you can easily be contacted;

–         Whether you have your defences maintained concerning us;

–         Whether you remain mired in the emotional sea;

–         What support networks you have in place;

–         How well fuelled we are;

–         The nature of the narcissist who you entangled with (Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater); and

–         Potential obstacles

All of these matters combine to determine whether it is worthwhile us expending our energy to act on the Hoover Trigger. If we are presented with a sitting target, flowing with fuel, caught in the emotional sea, isolated and exposed then the criteria point heavily to the fact that a hoover will now take place. If on the other hand it is very hard to contact you, we know you have stopped flowing with fuel when dealing with us, you have people who will stop us trying to reach you and so forth, you become a Flawed Reason to Extract Emotion (F.R.E.E.).

For a worked example of how this can happen if someone enters the first sphere of influence I recommend that you read the article Hoover Time! Sphere One.

Accordingly, if you can do everything possible to become a F.R.E.E. then even if Hoover Trigger is activated then the chances of us executing that hoover will be considerably reduced. By contrast, if you fail to attain becoming a F.R.E.E. then you run the risk of a hoover being executed.

You will note that in the hoover criteria above there is no mention of the gap between when we last contacted you and the current time. There is no mention of the circumstances in which we parted company as the Formal Relationship. There is no mention of you knowing what we are, whether you told us, whether you exposed our abuses to others. Those are not factors which concern us. The existence of a new partner is not relevant either in isolation, but is only a partial consideration in terms of whether that person might stop us. Of course even if they might do so and all the other factors point to the execution of a hoover, this one criterion has diminished relevance.

Accordingly, when you are asking yourself whether a hoover may happen. Remember this.

  1. You can never say never.
  2. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger. You can significantly influence whether there is one and reduce the risk but you cannot remove it.
  3. The Hoover Criteria need to be met. Again, you can significantly influence whether the criteria are met by becoming a F.R.E.E. and reduce the risk, but you cannot remove it.

The issue of whether you will experience a hoover is not completely in your hands, but is far more within your control than you might at first have thought.

It is never the end but you are not helpless.

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12 thoughts on “Surely That’s The End, Yes?”

  1. So true. Mine hoovered me after 30 years, stayed (sort of) with me for 10 years, then tried to hoover the girl he cheated on me for – 40 years later!

  2. Bloody hell, I’ve just been contacted by my first narcissist boyfriend via Facebook. (In my defence, I only joined fb last year so that I could see the pics my daughter posts while she’s away from home at university and I deliberately left the ‘about me’ completely blank and didn’t upload a pic on my profile, but my daughter practically begged me to put up a pic of myself a month ago and I gave in.) I had just turned 16, to say I was as green as grass is an understatement and having already been habituated by my narcissist parents, I’m sure you can imagine the fun he had at my expense. He was my first boyfriend and my first (of many) romantic relationship (laughable misnomer) with a narcissist. While there is absolutely NO chance of me becoming ensnared again or even responding in any way, it has however made me think about him and dredged up some of the painful memories that were previously locked away in my ‘enter at your own risk, I’d turn back now if I were you!!’ vault of narcissist inflicted pain and shame. That was over 30 years ago. So no, it definitely NEVER ends!

  3. HG, what happens when you get back to the narcissist after a long no contact?

    In this situation – narcissist had intimate partner but was flirting with others and acted like he was single from the very beginning of the relationship. Probably he treated his partner as a secondary source and while she was thinking that she was “the one and only” he was keeping his options open. When he started flirting with her friends she dumped him and went no contact. She wanted a commited relationship, he did not.

    Narcissist wasn’t really devastated, he quickly moved on to another women.

    But after 7 months of no contact the victim who left him is still devastated and misses him to the point she wants him back. He knows it, he is low on fuel so he hoovers her back to the formal relationship.

    What would be the scenario in this case? Could a narcissist crown her as IPPS and give longer, better golden period and act like a commited boyfriend?

    1. The person could be reinstated as the IPPS, yes. There may be a longer golden period than the first time (it is highly unlikely however) but devaluation WILL come for definite once again.

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  5. What does a narcissist mean when he says “I’m done when you are done” when talking about the end of the relationship?

    1. He is wanting to appear chivalrous by allowing you to dictate the terms of it being over, but what is really happening is he knows you do not want it to end.

      1. Thank you so much!
        I don’t know how you all do it: assess the person and situation, at that moment, enough to think/speak quickly enough with something that sounds like the truth and with a different meaning than meant. It stinks that I keep believing; however, I am impressed with that skill… to a certain extent. Thankfully, I want to believe that I no longer am the same person as who I was during that conversation.
        Again, thank you!! It helps moving forward.

      2. I’m sorry I just thought of a follow up question. Sorry!
        He knew I didn’t want it to end, at that time, but did he know that I would never have been the one to end it? Was that also a lie in the he knew he would be done with communicating/etc before I?

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