Now, I Have You
We rely on ensnaring our victims. Whether it is a stranger who we pass each day and smile at, knowing that they will return the smile, whether it is a friend who relies on being associated with us and who enjoys the benefits of being seen with us or whether it is the intimate partner who is installed as our primary source, we need to ensure that our fuelling appliances are attached to us, connected and secured so that we can rely on the fuel being pumped our way. We have our ways of determining whether an appliance has become ours, no matter what source the appliance belongs to. These “shows” or “tells” are important to us for several reasons:-
We know that the appliance has become attached to us and therefore the fuel will continue to flow;
We are aware that our seduction of the appliance has worked. We seduce everybody that we target. There is the generally accepted definition of seduction that is applicable to the primary source, but our seduction also manifests against those who are secondary sources. When we seduce, we charm, win-over, beguile, attract and so forth and we do this to the friends, the colleagues and family members. Our seduction of a stranger may be as straight forward as smiling at them so they return the gesture, but it is a seduction nevertheless. Knowing that the seduction has succeeded is important.
Once we know we have you, then we can adjust our approach appropriately. This may mean maintaining a certain level of behaviour and thus conserving energy, thus we do not expend energy too greatly trying to charm you further when we have already succeeded. It may mean knowing that since you have been seduced and you are attached, we can turn our attention elsewhere.
We can broadcast the seduction to other people and know that we will not err in doing so. This broadcasting allows us to gain fuel both from those who admire our newly seduced appliance and those who are jealous of our latest conquest. Either way we receive fuel. Accordingly, the relationship bulletins can begin.
It will be the trigger for the discard of the malfunctioning current primary source. Once we know that the prospective replacement has been seduced and attached we can commence the discard.
Not only do we look for these shows and tells in order to confirm to us that the seduction has been achieved, we use them as way markers to confirm to us that we are heading in the correct direction during the seduction and it will not be too long before we have you completely in our grasp. These indicators are important. If we do not see them, we know that we must apply more effort, more charm, more seductive power in order to reel you in. In some instances, if they remain absent we may form the view that the seduction is floundering and we may be better served turning our attentions elsewhere, so we are not denied fuel and we do not use up our energy on a wasted prospect. It is unusual for this to happen, but it can and therefore we need to see these indicators that confirm to us that you are falling under our spell, that you are being seduced and soon you will be attached to us.
In the context of seducing an intimate partner as a primary source these indicators are at their most prevalent and of course, by reason of that person being a prospective primary source, they are the most important ones to look for. Whilst it is material to see certain signs which tell us that we are acquiring a new and loyal inner circle friend, it is the indicators which signal to us that the prospective primary source is heeding our overtures which matter the most.
So, what are these indicators? There are many and the ones detailed below are not an exhaustive list but some of the more common ones. Some of these indicators do happen in ‘normal’ relationships, but they still should be heeded because they demonstrate that you are falling for us, that our charms are working and this will give us the comfort and information that we need to adjust our plans and machinations accordingly.
If you realise that you are doing these things now, then you are telegraphing to somebody that you are submitting to their seduction. If the seduction was once in the past, you may well recognise some of these things as matters which you did or said. Moreover, you will now know that if you wish to lay down a false scent, if you will, and deny us the indicators, these are the things you must avoid in order to encourage us in our seduction of you.
Answering your ‘phone within one ring when we call you.
Answering text messages in less than thirty seconds when we message you.
Answering your ‘phone, whether call or message in the middle of the night.
Cancelling plans with other people so that you can see us.
Inconveniencing yourself to spend time with us, for instance, travelling across town just to spend 30 minutes with us in a lunch hour.
Calling us and not having anything really to say to us.
Asking to know what our movements are during the day.
Going to something or doing something even though we know you do not like it really, just to please us and/or be with us;
Dropping everything to come to us on the pretext of an emergency;
Agreeing with us when we tell you that friends, family, colleagues etc are jealous of you and I and you do not try to make excuses for them, but instead you express dismay for their attitudes.
Buying something so you have the similar item to us.
Asking for an item of our clothing with our scent on so you can have us close to you.
Allowing us to borrow something and not asking for it back even though we have kept it for longer than we said we would.
Lending us money and not asking for it back.
Preferring to stay in than go out with your friends in the hope that we will call you.
Turning up unexpectedly at a place where we are.
Making considerable changes in your appearance to impress us;
Making changes to your home in order to impress us;
Writing poems or love letters to us;
Offering to do chores for us even though we do not live together;
Wanting us to accompany you to events
Telling us you miss us even though it has only been an afternoon that we have been apart.
Whilst it is a fact that these indicators also happen in ‘normal’ relationships, it is the fact that so many of them occur and that they do so with undue haste which sends us the signal that we want to see. Some would not happen in any relationship and with others it is the speed and aggregate effect of them which provides us with the indication that we wish to see. Be mindful of whether you are doing these things because if you are and you recognise the red flags of the way we behave towards you, you are in effect issuing a “come and get me I am yours” to us, with all the consequences that flow from that.
22 thoughts on “Now, I Have You”
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Another good list to memorize.
I was groomed and drip fed as a work colleague for 8 yrs before he made a real move. He teased and flirted until I was gagging for it. Wanting to help him and show him wonderful I was at taking care of him. Ughhh
“come and get me I am yours”
Noted!
I emit neon signs and this is why maybe.
I thought I was being polite and flexible and normal, the fact that I was in love! The key is timing, if it happens too quickly… but what if this happens like 6 months down the line. Sometimes I feel my head will burst with all of this information.
Narcissists and empaths have things in common, we both internalize slights, and we both shake off those things and move on – to our separate paths. We come from the same family. The narc was taught that they come first, and the empath taught that they come second. That’s probably why we are attracted to each other, we fit together like puzzle pieces. We were raised on this dynamic.
Empaths are honest with themselves and things around them, they can see their role and accept it. I don’t want to say empaths are angels, because I’m not. I don’t like weak and needy people who always need help doing everything, and want to interrupt me and take me away from what I was doing. But they always do, and I give in. So there, I’m not an angel empath.
Narc however love to be interrupted to shine on and show how much they can help us, it’s good, positive fuel. They know how to do it and get credit for it, it’s the charm.
Most narc are blind to what they are, but even if they weren’t, they can’t change. Whether their brain cells were damaged, born without a soul, or are just old dogs that can’t learn new tricks.
We have things in common, and are completely opposite. One is for good, and one for bad.
We’re both selective about who we want. You might think empaths are just victims, but we’re attracted to narc for their strengths- their intellect, their conversational skills, their looks. Their illusionaries; sexuality and mirroring, their power and wealth are the cherry on top.
Narcissist need empaths. Empaths don’t need narcissists. The illusion is that in reverse.
Hmmm. Simple expressions of happiness and gratitude get twisted. Anything you want becomes fodder for cold rages and plotting. If you ignore something that he wants you to notice, it becomes a festering wound. If you leave him, even just temporarily because of circumstances, he will punish you forever for it. If you call him out he will come up with some word salad. I was going to write the whole thing out but I think it can be said in a nutshell: it doesn’t matter what you do or how you do it. He will find a way to flip things to get the fuel he needs. As I told him, the battle happens in your head and it’s above my pay grade to figure out what is wrong with you. I am tempted to send him this site link and tell him who I am on it, so he finally knows why I did what I did. Thoughts? Better than sending it to IPPS, no? (kidding)
i think its better to not say anything and use your knowledge and education as a strength.
You’re right, of course, Amanda. But I want him to know that he is all over the internet. He would hate that.
His internet footprint is so light that it took me months to figure out who he was though he did not lie about anything other than his name and marital status. There are two professional pics of him from his old job and some family stuff taken by his kids. Now there aren’t even any work pics because instead of a hedge fund manager he is a worker bee with a huge company. He has a very sparse public IG account, which his kids made him set up.
The weirdest thing I ever found was that account. IPPS (also public) posts every few days, often tags and mentions kids but not him. No pics of him except once a year on a family outing, taken by a kid. He never mentions anyone, never tags or posts pics of IPPS. They do not comment on each other’s posts.
There is one pic a year at Xmas of IPPS and kids. There are two or three pics of them next to each other not touching. He is not on her FB in any pics that I can see (most of her friends post couple profile pics), he is not a ‘friend,’ and his FB accounts are fake. His kids post more publicly on FB but none of their parents together. Last thing I saw (months ago – I don’t look at any of it anymore) were two drawings of him a kid posted. One of him looking at his phone and one of him staring into space. She entitled both ‘P [first name]’ rather than ‘dad.’
I told him I had looked at their IG accounts in my escape email, and I analyzed their marriage. She’s directionless, he’s bored. The kids’ pics sadly attempt to show their parents together. The facade is cracked and always will be because he is a serial cheater.
Sorry this is so long (again she apologizes for a long post) but I am overtired, went off on a tangent, and probably shouldn’t be writing right now at all. Going to sleep!
SMH
I know people who will not allow their family members to post any pics of them on Fakebook. Not even in family or holiday pics. I dont do FB, but have had cheating narcs tell me that I wouldnt find them there because they were forbidden to use FB due to their employment (which we know is horse shit but hey-let the lying begin!). I was just thinking of that because it may not be your narcs IPPS that is not including him, but that he does not allow it. That might explain why you observe she seems all about the facade but find it strange he is not included in the happy family facade photos.
That might be the case, NA. Thanks for the insights. He is definitely uncomfortable in pics (but for the odd selfie that he controls). But IPPS doesn’t post any of herself either. Neither of her profile pics – on FB or IG – are of her – they are flowers, etc. It’s like she does not exist.
His IG profile pic is with one of their kids. All the pics of the two of them are posted by their kids trying to capture happy parental moments. If he is ever tagged (rare), it is by a kid trying to get his attention. He never responds. I pointed out to him that he was putting his kids in a bad position (‘clipping their wings,’ I said) – knowing that things were not right but doing the work of presenting ‘the facade.’ If he was half truthful and they were separated (rather than divorced) when we met, and then reconciled, the only kid who lived at home at that point did a lot of the facade management work. (Her IG is public too.) She wanted her friends to know that her parents were happily back together. Sad.
When we first met, he told me he doesn’t do FB because women from his past try to friend him and it was too much trouble. But he also used the employment excuse telling me that we couldn’t use phone numbers because his was his work number and he’d had a ‘stalker.’ Of course red flags but I didn’t care at the time because I thought it was just a temporary fling situation. When he finally gave me his number(without any argument at all – I asked for it when he tried to get me back in the FR the last time and he easily gave it to me), I finally escaped. I think the whole thing for me was about him withholding that stupid phone number!! I was going to get it if it was the last thing I did. Hahaha.
And now he is faking it on FB. IPPS doesn’t know and even if she did, she could not prove it was him (I can). I didn’t know that people did this sort of thing before I met him. I mean spying on an ex yes, but not creating fake FB profiles as part of the whole fuel matrix maintenance thing!! Or making up stories about stalkers when you are a stalker yourself, or any of the rest of it. It seems so convoluted and like so much work!!
NarcAngel
I’m one of those people. I don’t allow any of my family to put my pic on Fakebook. You don’t have to be a narc to be paranoid.
Windstorm
Ha. I’m not paranoid, but I dont allow it either. There is no sign of me even on my husbands.
SMH
Which country do you belong? Your story reminds me of my narc. I am from Norway.
Mini Duck, I go back and forth between the UK and the US. Narc lived in the UK but is now in Canada. I think there must be a handbook out there somewhere – they all seem to follow the same script!
SMH
Oh he does Facebook you just aren’t aware of it. Facebook is their feeding grounds. He likely has many profiles …
Oh yes, I found two of the fake ones, Lori, but I know that I cannot have any idea of how many there are or find all of them. I’ve blocked the two I know about and am locked down about as much as I can be without leaving but I don’t think about him anymore except when I am on here (seriously). I don’t wake up or go to sleep thinking about him, I don’t think about him during the day. I can’t even really conjure up what he looks like. If he contacts me, I might not remember who he is! Hahaha.
It’s quite a relief to get to this point but it really is a mental exercise. As long as he does not appear and I do not feel connected, he might as well not exist in my world. I had periods of this when we were together. I didn’t see him on weekends or late evenings anyway (IPSS) so I didn’t think about him then. If he was away, I didn’t think about him. He knew this (I felt badly about it – imagine! I said I do think about you in a vague sort of way but I don’t think about what you are doing). He conditioned me. Now I have conditioned myself.
The danger now as I see it is if he directly hoovers me, but I don’t think he will do that. I don’t think there is any danger anymore of me breaking NC otherwise. In the past, usually I would have broken it after awhile but I would also have been thinking about him all the time. As long as the last does not happen, neither will the first.
HG is right that getting the thoughts out of your head and your ET under control is the first and hardest step during NC. But I am here to say that it can be done!
Sometimes they have a particular social media platform that they prefer with certain victims
And the ones that say they don’t do Facebook well more often than not they have many alias and if they really aren’t on Facebook which is rare it’s because that are hiding from victims
I sometimes like to respond and give the narc all of these indicators, and then once they do something “mean”, which they do naturally. I instantly take it all away.
I think that helps because they don;t actually have anything secure. it unbalances them.
I will say I have done almost all of these things. I did it because i really did feel it. I can let myself go and start doing it again. The poems come so natural to me. I even made little pictures with their face (just their face..wtf was i thinkimg…) . of course they loved it! Positive fuel. It feels good to love. but we should give it to soemone who is worth it. i think the narc also expected me to travel far just to see him very little time. it’s good to understand what they expect. one can get upset that they are not respecting you. but that is how they play. better to not be upset and run.
good writing.
Thank you.
Hg, can you please write an article on how to deal with a narcissist when you can’t leave, including platonic, work related?
Everything but #12…that just feels like an invasion…it makes me uncomfortable…it always has
Yes I was quickly charmed and seduced and made to feel special. Then one day during sex I said something vaguely romantic and out of character for me to which he didn’t reply – but he instead announced “ah you are attached”. At the time I had no real idea what he meant. I thought it meant I was becoming clingy which I adamantly denied. Now I know better. It gave me chills to read this article.
It went darkly downhill from then on. It took another 2-3 yrs for me to go crazy and become ill. And I was just a DLS without knowing there was an IPPS. I can’t imagine how the fall of the IPPS must feel. 2yrs narc free and almost back to full health.
damn. great point. I have also not been IPPS (i always escaped). I can;t imagine how fucking horrible it must feel. Congrats on getting better \o/