Outrage
Fury is the instrument of the narcissist. It is a tool that we deploy in furtherance of our aims. The narcissist’s toolbox is a thing to behold. It contains many devices, objects and instruments that we deploy in order to secure our objectives. Other people may use these devices in a similar if diminished form but they will not be anywhere near as dangerous and effective as the ones that lurk in my toolkit. Some of these instruments are used to subjugate, others are deployed to control and yet again there are others that will be used for the purposes of manipulation. The placing of fury in this toolbox recognises its use to the narcissist as one of his prime instruments.
All of our kind bring the fury but what is it? It will be instructive to start by considering what it is not. Fury is not anger. Anger is below fury on the scale of violent responses. Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility. It is greater than vexation, it is something more than feeling cross and it is beyond exasperation. Notwithstanding this, it is less than fury. It does not contain the unbridled vitriol that is synonymous with fury. Nor does it contain the violent hostility that one finds with fury. What is most important to know about anger is that it is a normal emotion and thus by comparison, fury is an abnormal emotion, hence why fury sits in our toolkit. Anger is an intense emotional response that is normal in nature and arises as a consequence of real or perceived provocation. Anger in itself is neither good nor bad. It can be used for either purpose and it is down to the manner in which that particular person handles it. An individual may direct it into violence towards another person in order to protect him or herself from a threat. Alternatively, it may manifest in the destruction of property. You as a normal and empathic individual become angry. Indeed, as part of our mission to obtain fuel we strive to provoke anger in you, either through angry gestures or through angry words on your part. This provides us with fuel when you react in this emotional fashion. It is an acceptable and understandable response for an individual to become angry.
It is a normal response to a threat or harm. It also releases pressure that builds up inside a normal person. The expression of anger enables people to dissipate this pressure and thereafter feel spent but better for having been angry, as opposed to suppressing the sensation and allowing the pressure to build even further. Some normal people can only take a small amount of pressure before they blow a fuse whereas other people may be regarded as slow-burners who take a long time before they express anger. In either instance the response is an entirely normal one. People become angry for a host of different reasons.
You may agree that anger certainly serves a purpose and concur that helpful and beneficial consequences can arise from this normal emotion. I should imagine that you will also venture to suggest that there is a downside to anger, that results in destructive behaviour and violence. That is not anger. That is fury. That is when something beyond anger is experienced and this fury is more prevalent amongst my kind.
Interestingly, anger also results in a suspension of empathy by those who behave normally. The individual, through anger, becomes focussed on his or her own needs and requirements. This is not applicable to me. There is no empathy to suspend. That is why we do not deploy anger. We have no need of a device to suspend our empathy because we do not have any. This is a further reason why anger serves no actual purpose to us and why we must deploy fury instead. Anger is a normal reaction. We operate outside of the usual normative values. This normal anger serves certain purposes. None of those purposes are of any use to my kind and me. Anger can be regarded as a force for good. That is not something that we are interested in.
Fury is beyond anger. It is wrath, frenzy and savagery. Someone who is furious has gone the extra emotional mile. One might even consider it to be madness. The wild nature of fury causes it to surpass anger and fury is not to be found in the responses of the normal person. I will emphasise that point. You will not find fury as a response of a normal person. Anger? Yes. Fury? No. The deployment of fury is the hallmark of the abnormal. If fury were a normal reaction there would be chaos as explosions erupted everywhere. Most relationships would disintegrate, more people would be injured, and property broken and destroyed and the repercussions for society as a whole would be severe. The cost in terms of money, emotion and well-being would be enormous. Consider the number of times you have been angry. It has happened has it not? You will also be able to recall when your parents or at least one of them became angry, a friend, a stranger, a colleague or a partner. You have seen anger in everyone and that is because it is normal. They may have used that anger for some purpose, kept it in check or let it flow over them and dissipate with no consequence. For those of you have had an encounter with fury, you will also know it. It will have happened amongst fewer people than the categories that I have just mentioned. This is because the development of people has been such that fury cannot become the norm. If it does then society would begin to break down. You may have seen many instances of fury from one particular individual. That is because that person is not normal. They are the exception.
60 thoughts on “Outrage”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Well, that Brent Kavanaugh is quite the narc, isn’t he? Mini-Trump (except for the croc tears of fury). Wonder what his wife does when he rages like that at home. Get him another brewski?
SMH
Quite a show wasn’t it? I watched the whole thing. Great demonstrations of word salad and deflecting amongst other things. So many questions I thought should be asked, but both sides (committee) were too busy grandstanding and presenting their political agendas to focus or care. So repetitive.
It was quite the show, NarcAngel! I watched the whole thing too. Riveting political theater – except for Ford. She was the only ‘person’ there.
Just like Trump, K boy is unfit to hold high office even if he did not sexually assault anyone. He reminds me of MRN – I want to say to MRN — This is you! This is you! Privileged entitled frat boy. They look somewhat alike (MRN is better looking of course :-)). Wife even looks like IPPS and I imagine is quite like her. They even both have only daughters. Total weirdness.
I guess MRN is just a stereotype, just as I always sensed. I had no experience with these types, even in HS and Uni. I went to progressive schools and hung out with hippie/freak types.
SMH
”Boffing” being used in place of farting was a bit of a grasp and a new low lol. Also, much was made of his calendars. Do they really think he would note “I sexually assaulted a girl today” or “I was shitfaced today at a party with minor girls present” in his calendar? I thought someone would have observed that only positive things were posted on the calendars. No mention of disappointments, heartbreak, or shameful behaviours. We know the reason his father kept calendars and encouraged his son to as well. A carefully constructed and documented facade. He notably repeated things word for word like they were rehearsed but also said things that were non-sensical (and that most people would not recognise as word salad or deflection. Do you like beer?). I also thought it was interesting that he said more than once “the people who were there said it never happened”. The people who were where? I thought there was no such incident. Wouldnt it have been: “The people she claims were present agree there was no such incident/assembly? So many examples.
Frustratingly entertaining and fascinating to watch in real life and in real time when you know what you are looking at (thanks to HG).
NA, It was also interesting to me that BK was able to fluster people the way Trump is able to fluster people – saying the most unbelievable, outrageous things to which no one knows how to respond.
I found BK scary in the same way that I found MRN scary, though MRN only ever showed cold fury. Strangely, though, Trump does not scare me, perhaps because he is all surface.
I am hopeful that BK will withdraw to lick his wounds – give the whole world an ST – as the week stretches on and that will be the last of him.
NarcAngel,
Not me. My memory, like a lot of empaths, is superb. What make me curious, is how does a lifetime of gaslighting, lying, living double or triple lives, raging, and so on, have on the brain of a narcissist? It can’t be good.
It is all good, it is our defence mechanism remember.
Hg,
Can you give an example of 2 famous upper lessers? I am trying to differentiate an upper lesser from an upper midranger. The upper of each cadre tends to separate themselves from the other two of their group, and tends to take on other traits from the other cadres. I am still confused about who and what makes an upper lesser
Donald Trump and Mike Tyson.
Mike Tyson has (now) boxing- induced dementia. What is Trump’s excuse?
Ok. I shut up.
“Make Lesthers great again”
Kathy Mor,
No, that’s an interesting comment. Some Psychologist/Psychiatrist believe their is a link to Narcissism and dementia. However, not necessarily Alzheimer’s Dementia, but from decomposition. However, it’s difficult to do such a study, for numerous reasons:
1. The American Psychiatric Association is a but wishy washy when it comes to their stance on Narcissism and adding it to the DSM.
2. Narcissist don’t usually get diagnosed.
3. Doing a thorough study on the subject would be difficult.
But many medical professionals, who work in nursing homes, and are aware of Narcissism swear there is a link between decompensating Personality Disorders and Dementia. I think Lessers would be more prone to decompensation due to their less cognitive function, and natural difficulties with aging.
ANM
Re: Narcissism/dementia link.
It might also be difficult because everyone keeps forgetting what study they were working on.
I had to. Its part of my sickness.
I work in the healthcare field, more specifically in a neuro/psych unit. While we don’t deal with the psych aspect per si, we address the medical aspect of their stay, we have patients with personality disorders that we have to manage. Some of my patients who present with NPD have reactions that mimic dementia patients. It is so bizarre. The way their brain works always surrounded and expecting a level of same responses (For instance, i call, you come) triggers the same areas while neglecting others. Like compartmentalization. It is like walking in circles and going nowhere.
The question we asked was, what came first, the narcissism or the dementia?
So when you talk to family members and ask about those patients baseline behavior at home before dx of dementia, an alarming number of people call their relative overbearing, selfish, manipulative, and incapable of empathy. On MRI, not only the frontotemporal lobe presents chronic degenerative alterations but some of the areas of the brain like the left anterior insula responsible for empathy have less gray matter.
I talked to my neurologists and they said that there are structural differences in the brain of a narcissist person that have not being fully explained, and how they interact with what areas to provide with the feedback needed to create an emotional response.
Fascinating. I saw the MRIs and I was surprised to see the areas with less brain mass and activity.
I never really cared about this until I learned about my ex….
The second question should then be, how do the brain of an empath works? What areas are less developed that doesn’t allow many of us to differentiate between us and our narcissist?
Isn’t Trump way too successful to be a lesser ??
No. Upper Lessers are successful, but they are brash, over bearing, lacking any awareness and like wrecking balls – make sense now?
HG,
I have now read through all your narc definitions, from lower lesser through elite greater to try to determine which my exnarc is but he doesn’t completely fit quite perfectly into any of them. Does this mean he’s not a narc? I read that not all narcissists are sociopaths but all sociopaths are narcissists. Could it be he’s one and not the other?
And why the hell do I even care what brand of fucked up he is?
Thank you.
1. You need Narc Detector ; and
2. Because you are a Truthseeker and you wish to better arm yourself.
Yes it does HG and I assume these are exceptions to the rule though right ?
My dearest, sweetest, most charming, handsome, intelligent HG (is that enough sucking-up? ;)), where did my comment on this subject go? Are you still holding on to it? I know you are very busy and I respect and appreciate that greatly (I even received emails at 1.30 UK time), but I’d very much like to know the answers to my two questions.
I would consult you if I had the money and the guts, but I’d probably fall in love with you and ask you to marry me and all that, so it’s better to just answer my questions here in a comment please.
Wishing you a wonderful day xx
They will be in moderation, there are a few questions in there waiting to be answered for a number of people.
Thank you sir.
Hi Blank
HG is very polite during a consult , ok I only had an email one but do intend to have the phone on when finances permit.
I wouldn’t be nervous ,well ok I little bit .
My only worry is what if Ibecome tongue tied during the consult , and up saying ummmm ahhhhh ummmmm for the hour .
Kiki
He is easy to talk to, I have had that initial have to take a deep breath after the hello. That and I listen to music that calms me along side of using very specific scents. The first consult I used peppermint to help overcome any fears I may have had. Now I tend to use lavender, frankincense and a citrus.
I use this for a duel purpose, one was to help me relax and later when I am reflecting or meditating I can recall our conversation and his insights. Now when I smell specific scents I do think about him, this also helps keep others of his kind from gaining any space with in my head and heart.
Girls, you will be surprised how easy it is to engage with HG. He is quite friendly, relaxed, and approachable. Nothing to worry or fear. Just make sure you have your questions at hand. An hour goes by quickly…. in these circumstances.
Thanks Kiki, it’s not that I worry about HG personally. I don’t have the money to consult him and I am not good at phone conversations, I need to see someones face. Also English is not my first language, that might give problems and I wouldn’t want it to become an awkward consult.
“ummmm ahhhhh ummmmm” in my language sounds like you would be having a real good time, Kiki 😉
OMG, my ex, who is a narcissist used to explode for no reason, until the point of breaking things and even punched me.
Interesting. This explains a lot of his behavior during certain moments when he said he could kill someone and not give a damn about it. I believed it when he said it. I just didn’t quite think of it in terms of fury. Thank you for the explanation HG.
Thanks for explaining this anger. I keep thinking there is something wrong with me for getting so angry. .wondering where my patience has gone with him(because it’s ok with others) I thought I may have to explore anger management stuff. I’m actually absolutely seething and think terrble things that I wish would would happen to him to end my pain, which ive never thought about anyone else. I also have felt guilty for my reactions as they are out of character.. wonďering what the hell im becoming. I feel much better now..that it’s a normal thing under constant abuse. For a minute I thought I had the fury thing..as it’s quite intense this anger I’ve come to feel. I’m forearmed now though! 🙂 though it’s going to be hard to tame.
I have never seen my MRN lose his shit in a furious manner except for the written word (texts, emails). I guess maybe at that point the wall got punched or screamed at? On phone calls and in person he was always pleasant as pie. Makes me wonder what is going on during all those ghosting silences. I imagine a full moon where he locked in a room, moon light shining in through a window where he suddenly turns into a werewolf. But then again who knows? All I can do is overthink the silence and conjure up my own “what ifs”.
I’ve never seen my exnarc angry either, never so much as a cross word. Having read all I’ve read it makes me wonder even more about him. Now with every questioned answered there are two more.
I have seen mine and it is utterly demented. They get erratic, frantic, dramatic, dangerous. They keep looking at you too see your reaction. Pretty much like a 5 year old throwing a huge tantrum breaking his toys just to see if you will do something about it.
If you don’t, then the emotional breakdown happens. While the narc won’t cry like a kid, they act like one mumbling that no one understands them anyways. That thought may re-ignite their fury (round two) or they go sulking to their corner…
What was I thinking?
Over the stupidest things. Stuff that you would not give a fuck, they go ballistic about and then of course when you can’t empathize with their illogical reaction because it makes no fucking sense at first sight, they want to kill you.
And my ex narc was extremely stubborn. If he puts something in his mind, the odds won’t change his resolve. When shit happens (because it always does) he acts like a mental case.
Again, what was thinking?
Oh the sex. I almost forgot that.
These days I don’t even get burnt thinking about him. Detox!!!!
HG,
Can I ask you a few questions?
Musician narc would give me a silent treatment and after a while I’d write him telling him I miss him (..how I hate that now). This time I’m GOSO. Told him I will not come back, because I need my sanity back. He hasn’t posted anything on his SM since (about 2 months now). Normally he will regularly post a picture. It’s weird, because I’m convinced I wasn’t the only one he was involved with and of course he will DM other women, I’m not stupid, but:
-Why would he not post anything on his SM? Wouldn’t giving me a silent treatment mean he’d be giving all his followers a silent treatment as well? What is on his mind regarding this?
Lately I see him unfollow friends. It is something he’s not used to do (he will block followers though – women he’s playing, but didn’t make it to his friends list)). I am convinced he is furious that I do not come back this time (he was once before and made it known to me by placing an Instagram Story in which he was furious at one of his music devices, because it didn’t work – that was hilarious, because I could see the action was totally fake and only meant to let me know he hated me for not coming back. I copied this story and send it back to him months later when I was angry at him, together with a comic picture of a yelling face :))
– Do you think he would lash out by unfollowing friends, because he is unable to lash out at me?
Thanks in advance my darling teacher.
1. I assume you are not blocked? If not he is giving you a silent treatment but he will also use the apparent en masse silence to garner concern and sympathy from his followers ‘ are you okay, you have not posted anything’.
2. Yes, this can happen in order to draw fuel from other appliances when the offender (you) is not providing fuel following the ignition of fury.
Thank you so much HG.
No, I’m not blocked, he only did once in the beginning. After that I was the one leaving every time (after he hoovered me and started the devaluation again, over and over).
I guess this time he came to the conclusion that I would not start talking to him anymore. He started posting again this week, of which two hoovers right away. I will not react anymore, it’s just that I want to see how far he will go.
And honestly, the hoovers he does are very creative and entertaining and somehow it’s a thrill that the other followers don’t now. They might think sometimes his texts are a bit odd, but hey, he’s a creative, he is odd.
We honestly had something special going on, for almost 4 years, he trusted me, he admitted he is a narc. He even wrote a song about me, I am not kidding, using my exact words that I would always say to him (and they’re not standard words or songlyrics). I once told him a dream I dreamed about him/us and I mentioned a certain word, that I know thrilled him a lot (in that particular context). This word became the title of their new album. That is how manipulative he is. He has his band fooled all of the time, with songs, texts, video’s, even arranging performances in my hometown (where they would never go before). Nobody knows these things, it honestly is damn exciting, you can imagine that.
It’s very dangerous that I keep looking at his SM, because I miss him like crazy and I just wanna kiss the f*ck out of him, when I look at his face. But there is a limit to the times I let myself be fooled.
Thanks to you my dear HG.
I need to print this out and tape it to my wall. A good reminder when I get the warm and fuzzies! Xx
But what about cold fury such as silence where the narcissist doesn’t get to release it. I mean I know silence it a powerful weapon but it doesn’t allow a release of the or g up fury
I only ever got cold fury too, Lori, and only twice that I was aware of. If he felt he was losing it, he would simply leave the conversation. I don’t know what he did to release it but I think he just compartmentalized until it went away.
My anger/anxiety (mixture of both until things became clearer to me as time went on) would result in attempts to placate me but no real changes.
Lori,
I just posted above about this. I have only witnessed the cold fury. If I witnessed anything explosive it was released to me via text or email. Never in person and never on the phone.
FOTS
I think the smarter they are, the more control they have over their heated fury. Instead of just releasing it, they channel it into manipulations/intimidation. Especially if they are cerebral and not somatic at all. My exhusband has expressed heated fury many times with many people, but it was always meant to intimidate or frighten someone into compliance. He seems always in control of it – maybe not in control of its manifesting, but in control of how he expresses it. I doubt he ever just blows up about anything when he is alone. That would be a waste of energy and he’s a very lazy man. Lazy people don’t waste energy! Lol!
WS,
This makes sense. Always the proverbial “nice guy”…..the total manipulations manifested in other ways.
Gabs
Ha, ha! Maybe yours because he’s a midranger. No one who really knows him would call my Pretzel MnM (new name for my exhusband) a “nice guy.” He has never gone for that image. Lol!
WS,
What more can I say? My MRN bases lots on his “facade” of being a nice guy. I wonder if most mids are like that. I mean he does play the piano for a freaking church. I cannot exactly see him “giving the fury” to the congregation. I mean what would Jesus say? LMAO.
Now remember if anyone asks how we know each other….we are bible study partners!
Gabs,
How on earth do you keep from laughing in his face?!? I have some midrangers in my acquaintance and they deal very poorly when I spontaneously laugh out loud at them.
WS.
Oh that’s easy. Because I’m still stupidly in love with him. 🤦🏻♀️ Meh.
Fuel on the Shelf,
I know the cold fury is annoying as hell. Honestly, just ice him right back. Pretend he died lol…that’s what I do. Block him – that way you will never ever know if he tried to contact you – so you can’t get upset if he doesn’t LMAO…I MAKE SENSE LMAO I SWEAR LOL THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID LOL!!
Doc HQ…..hahahahaha!! You have not changed a bit!
Gab,
All I have to say is the following…lol
I’m gonna sing some Cardi B to you….LMAO
I say what I want…I ain’t never been timid
Only real shit comes out my mouth
and only real men go in it
Leave his texts on read
leave his balls on blue
put it on airplane mode
so none of those calls come through…
Mine is quite capable of heated fury it’s just I wasn’t in close enough proximity to him. He did explode a couple of times verbally and I remember I was on the phone with him one time when he just went off on someone but when there is distance involved cold fury is really their only choice I suppose. I just wonder where all that anger goes
Fots
Girl I’m praying for you. This guy is so so toxic to you. I’m praying he discards you soon for your own good. Believe me when I say a discard is the nicest thing they could ever do for you
Did you guys actually live with your MRN? From my experience with MRN, they will rage behind closed doors. I think the MRN heated fury is the most jacked up, because, from what I have seen, they use gaslighting to cover it up. They can get mad at you, call you names, threaten you
and even push you. If you bring up what they did at a later point, they will often deny it ever happened like you are crazy. Lessers will tell you you deserved the fury, the midrangers will deny the fury exist.
ANM
My mother was a Midranger. I lived with her for nearly 16 years. She was much as you describe. She could rage and be scary livid, but only away from others. She was primarily sarcastic, insulting, gas lighting and silent treatments and always totally denied it later.
Ann
You are quite correct my mid ranger would erupt when pushed and I can tell you some bad stuff happened. After the fury had passed, he would always play it down as if it hadn’t been that bad or si remember it incorrectly or that we both had a part in it and yes I both lived (must of the time ) and worked with him
Gab,
If you slip up and text him out of boredom or something just undo it lmao …block him right after so that you stop yourself from it going any further, you wont know if they answered you so you can’t get upset, andddd if he answers back he’s blocked and will be confused lmao.
seeee there is room for error lmao
I think they probably unleash it on someone else. I walked into a bar Sunday where our friends were having a gathering for someone who’d died recently. The narcissist was there, watching my husband of course (he’d been there for hours before I arrived so she probably thought I wasn’t coming) and unfortunately for her my girlfriend was sitting right in front of her. She didn’t stop frowning after that and when my husband snuck up and sat next to me, she flounced out the door. All that anger when I’m around, you’d think she’d stay away but she doesn’t. I have no doubt she takes that out on someone.
Well that picture sure seals it! Except there would be a flip phone.
Your words, your way of expression, your intelligence. It all triggered familiarity. Now the picture of fury. Yup, that confirms it! You are he.
Hi HG
I have been following you for a while now, I was raised with a very abusive mother , absent father.
For the majority of my younger life I was compliant empathetic to the point were I can physically feel others emotional distress , I have had more encounters with all different kinds of narcissism. Unlike most empathetic people it has made me stronger, I know I’m not a narcissist because I self fuel but I truly have no fear of them , your kind have tried to break me and gone to extreme lengths to do so , I am incredibly stubborn and refuse to be a victim so some have come very close and the roller coaster ride is addictive. How do I stop attracting these people?
You consult with me.
Good post, HG. I’ve experienced this narcissistic fury more than once, as has my husband.
The first time was the series of texts she sent me in response to me texting that she needed to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases so I could be assured that she hadn’t given any to my husband. My text was anger, I didn’t rage or call her names. The response was complete and utter fury, she must have sent me at least 30 texts that day.
The next round of fury was prompted when she, unable to reach my husband, showed up at a public venue to confront him. She wanted all the items she’d given him to be returned to her, and when informed that he’d donated all of them she flew into a rage. She screamed at him in front of many onlookers that he was gay and would leave me for a man. It was quite desperate and pitiful to make such a spectacle of herself but I don’t think she’d been thwarted in quite this fashion previously. She was used to her victims chasing after her, not choosing to escape.