The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 3
Change.
Dangled by the cruel mistress that is Eternal Hope, the possibility of change, the prospect of alteration and the desire to be there when it happens is a key manifestation of the emotional thinking that keeps a victim ensnared to the narcissist.
There can be no change.
The Lesser Narcissist has no idea what he or she is. Indeed, the Lesser invariably lacks any awareness of their behaviour being considered as ‘wrong’ by a third party. This is how it must be, because from the Narcissistic Perspective, the Lesser is doing what is right for her or him and it matters not the consequences for anybody else. The Lesser’s utter lack of any form of empathy also means that the blindness is so total that change cannot and will not happen. The Lesser will bulldoze through life, the proverbial wrecking ball, causing damage and chaos but seeing nothing wrong with doing so. He or she cannot understand why you are so upset, he or she knows that you deserved that beating and there is nothing wrong with them. The re-appearance of the Golden Period (or more usually since it is a Lesser – the Bronze Period) provides the victim with hope that the worst is over, that the narcissist has taken heed of your tear-filled pleading and look, it has happened, there is change.
This is not a permanent change. It is just part of the ongoing manipulation (and therefore there is no change) but it will give you false hope. It will stop you escaping the narcissist, it will encourage you to keep trying, to maintaining the belief that something can be done so that the narcissist interacts with you in a less hurtful and more benign way. Soon enough the devaluation will appear again – no matter where you sit in the fuel matrix – and you will cling on, trying various methods to bring back that respite period once more or the return to the Golden/Bronze Period. You did not effect that change, the narcissist did it because it suited him or her to do so. They chose because they must always control and it is because of this constant need for control that change cannot and must not happen.
The Mid-Range Narcissist is the member of the brethren who uses the prospect of change to a better way, a happier way, a healthier way more than any other school. It is a repeated protestation (see But I Can Change ) . With no emotional empathy, but usually a degree of (fake) cognitive empathy, the Mid Range Narcissist will choose to make some improvements in his or her behaviour. Sometimes it is the re-appearance of the Golden Period (as explained above) which gives the appearance of change, but it is merely part of the ongoing manipulation that forms part of the narcissistic dynamic. In other instances there will be a temporary alteration in behaviours (usually as a consequence of being part of a Preventative Hoover). This again is just part of the manipulation and is only done to enable the narcissist to exert control over the victim once again and ensure that the Prime Aims are met. Once that control is achieved (i.e. the escape is stopped) or another appliance is obtained to recruit the non-compliant/less compliant one – the supposed change in behaviour will end.
Often a combination of this form of manipulation and the effect of emotional thinking causes the victim to believe that long-lasting change has been effected. It has not. The Mid Ranger, with a higher cognitive function and more application may well attend therapy, may well seek treatment for drinking, may well start helping out more around the house and with the children but it will not last and is only being done to ensure the narcissist’s needs, primarily fuel, are being met. Similar to the Lesser, the Mid Range does not regard his or her behaviour as the problem. Yes, they will have sufficient cognitive function to recognise that their behaviour is viewed as problematic by third parties (hence why the Mid Ranger relies so heavily on maintaining the facade – ‘keeping up appearances’) but they are incapable of ever accepting culpability, liability or blame for their actions.
Accordingly, the alteration in behaviour will only ever be temporary. This is because it is driven not by a recognition that the Mid Range Narcissist is at fault (the narcissism blinds the Mid Ranger to it ever being his or her fault) but is driven purely by getting what the narcissist wants and needs. Once those needs are met, the supposed change stops. Thus, this is why there cannot be change.
You might think “Aha, well if I keep the narcissist thinking that he is going to lose me, then he will modify his behaviours all of the time to keep me.” Nice try. Firstly, you will not be capable of sustaining such an environment. You will find it too draining and too difficult to keep gauging how you should treat us, not to mention that behaving this way runs contrary to your empathic traits. However, the main reason this will not work is because the narcissist will eventually regard you as not complying and look to replace you for a model which is functioning more effectively. You will be changed, the narcissist will not.
The vast majority of our brethren are Lesser or Mid Range Narcissists and therefore recognising and accepting that there will be no change, conquering your emotional thinking which tries to convince you that you are witnessing change, that it can be achieved, that more effort from you and so forth, are central to this golden rule. There will be no change. Accept that and stop applying your energies to trying to achieve that which cannot be achieved. Anything which tells you to the contrary is emotional thinking.
As for those who claimed to have changed our kind. Mistaken or liars.
As for those who claim to be of our kind and to have changed. Mistaken or liars.
There may be someone who is narcissistic who has altered their behaviours, but they were not a narcissist. The narcissist will not change.
What of the much rarer Greater? Our heightened awareness means that of all the schools we possess the potential for modification, but not wholesale change. There can be no wholesale change because this is what we are, this is how we have been designed and created. Certain elements that you wish to see as a consequence of change are just not there and never will be. You cannot inject emotional empathy into us. We function so effectively, why alter a winning combination? Why take an unnecessary risk? There is no compelling reason to do so. Might we modify? Potentially yes, but once again the overriding need of our narcissism is such that we regard doing so as an unnecessary alteration to our power, a shift in control which is not required. Like the Mid Ranger, we will implement temporary change to achieve our aims, but this is done as an act of largesse and not as a pleading, snivelling last ditch attempt to halt you leaving. You will be grateful for our magnanimous gesture of reigning in our malice – albeit it will only be for so long as we need to and then normal service will be resumed.
The Lesser and Mid-Range cannot change. The Greater may modify, but sees no compelling reason to do so.
There will be no change.
Understand this. Accept this. Apply it and this will advance you further to your freedom and release you from the yoke of false hope that change might happen.
20 thoughts on “The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 3”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Asked question about mirroring a narc to push them off balance and keep them at bay ,should have read NEVER mirror the narc article first ,all info is there .Silly me .
Thanks HG
In the state that I live in, it’s legal for phone calls can be recorded for court purpose without consent. I have software to record calls downloaded on cell phone in case my daughter’s evil narc father deviates from text or email. However, this morning, my other ex, who is a mid mid cerebral call me at 5am this morning, and I have the most strange, 8 min call ever recorded. The call starts out with the mid ranger apologizing for a lie that I caught him in. The only reason he confessed was because other people were all talking about him being a liar. So he apologizes to try to make excuses. But I wasnt soft on him, I kept asking questions and backtracking him. Within a few minutes, his narcissism was totally exposed. At the end of the 8 min call, after countering his mid range narc tactics, i brought up the issue where he lied again, and he finally confessed that he lies because he sometimes needs to and he wasnt sorry. He had a devil laugh at the end of the call. I sent the recording to his mother, who is also a mid midranger. I dont care.
HG I was so so stupid I was doing so well .I responded to a Hoover this one had a sweet hook in it , I took the bait straight away and knew within hours the mistake I made.This Hoover was not robotic last the last ,it was designed to see how desperate I was to have him call me on the phone .The moment I said yes he disappeared , that was 3 weeks ago.I feel low and humiliated again , WHY WHY did I respond .
I’m feeling down and so unlovable right now.
I feel powerless and back at square one.My job is so demanding and I have less time to read here and keep myself balanced.
I feel sad and like a fool.AGAIN
Emotional thinking. Dust yourself off and get back on the GOSO Stallion.
“GOSO Stallion” I like that.
I think a lot of us may have had a narcissistic parent, and our role in the family might have been the one that doesn’t really matter. We grew up alone, neglected, verbally or emotionally abused or worse. But we had a sense of what’s right, we believed in it, we were honest, but we were also taught and conditioned to not shine. We didn’t want to make anyone jealous. We were put on a back burner, and we learned that everyone else was more important than us, we always came second, and we must always be on our best behavior. We took that with us to adulthood, and the people we come to know recognize our role in the world. They tell us their problems and feel so much better afterwards, but they don’t listen to ours, they’re not receptive or sympathetic. Somehow you never shake off the role you had as a child.
I think we all have a lot to learn about ourselves. Once we learn our lesson, we can stop repeating our mistakes. We not only need to learn what a narcissist is, but why we are their victims- and even everyone else’s doormat and dumpster too.
It’s a gift to be who we are. I never want to be a taker, not a giver. It’s just there is a healthier me that I need to be. The world needs us, so we need to learn to be our best selves.
This is true. I was the scapegoat child, and still the scapegoat in most of my relationships
Reading this post a few months ago was the turning point for me. I had experienced much of the mid range action described above regarding change, too many times.
Yes, my hope died that day. It was replaced with an anger and disgust that Im still working on.
I do not hope anymore… for anyone or anything… an emotional rape and a loss of innocence that I’m still grieving.
Thank you for the cold hard truth HG. You will have saved many from remaining in their entanglement.
You are welcome.
No narcissist can change. It’s interesting that you think you can, though. As if this is within your control. It’s not. That narcissists are inherently static may very well be at the core of their pathology.
Life is change. Which means the narcissist has no life. It would be sad if there were anyone really there to feel sad for.
Hi All, my narc came back to stay. I got the keys even though some of his things still here. and I had told him I would store till they got a place. well she took off with his truck for many hours didn’t call or anything the whole time which I’d be upset if someone did that to me too but when she arrived they got into an argument and his mom and stepdad came out to protect her upset him so much that’s his mom you don’t do that she took the girls side which she sat in living room on purpose for that reason she is playing him so hard but parents sticking up for the girl broke his heart totally broke his heart he’s a mommas boy. he ran by here grab the tools he needed took off for work he works graveyard came back to my house dropped off the tools said Thank you . A very short time later called me back so I’m on my way back open the door I’m like okay what’s up. no reply until I see him walking through the door he’s got tears in his eyes very upset what happened honey what’s wrong she packed up all her shit and left until the night and I believe his mom and stepdad and helped her and that’s what pissed him off hes not crying for her, his mama took her side & devistation kicks in and his skag did this purposely. she sat down in the living room which is right in front of their bedroom door so they would have an argument and they came out to protect her like he was going to beat her up but she would never hit a girl so it was totally premeditated the whole thing. I’ve watched her try to do it between me and him to like I had enough drama with just him I didn’t need two of them. so long story short he’s telling me he was supposed to go today okay I know you have no place to go I’m not stupid specially if your mom doesn’t want you there guess you coming back aren’t you and it’s not been very pretty it’s been a little bit rough but we’ll see what happens that told me they ain’t going to be like you did before you will be gone. I don’t have a little attitude about everything that he doesn’t he don’t like that kind of funny but get on get on your feet then get moving on or if it was to try to play the game and keep up the facade and be nice and helpful around the house that’s fine with me too until you’re not then you need to go cuz now that I know what’s going on and I get it I get it thanks to you. no it’s not the ideal situation I wanted to be in at all of us ready for him to move on it was getting there so happy I should know something stupid would happen I still very tempted to give her a little call and say how you doing? . But I guess I’ll not Rock the Boat and keep the peace .
I’m an idiot
HG. The midrange is always trying to maintain the facade. But if he does not know what he is how does he know there is a facade to maintain?
Thank you
Instinct. The narcissism drives it for the Mid Range Narcissist.
It’s just how and who they are. There’s no reason to it except that they’re narcissists and that personality trait drives all of their behavior.
So I’m guessing that going with the Restoritive Justice committee would be a waste of everyone’s time?
I have far too much to say about that last paragraph lol.
Say it?
Say it!!!!
Doc,
Please say it… say more. Without joking, though I love a laugh more than anyone. But say it like your counsel to an earnest empath’s hope of helping a narcissist heal — their belief they can do so — depended on your analysis.
Hugs and Kisses,
Caroline