6 Speciality Hoovers (And How To Unplug Them)
The hoover. An instrument of cleaning and the instrument by which we endeavour to suck you back into our false reality so we can exert our hold over you once again. Hoovers come at various stages of your dance with us and also come in a variety of forms and guises so that you may not even realise that a hoover is taking place. Hoovers come in two categories which are linked to when they take place and the method adopted to hoover. Some methods can apply to different times in the interaction with our kind, others apply to just one time, often post discard or post escape. There are scores of different methods used in hoovers but here are six which may or may not be familiar to you along with how you can endeavour to pull the plug on them and avoid being sucked in. It is worth pointing out of course that if your narcissist cannot find you and contact you, the hoover can never get started, but that state of affairs is not always possible.
The Proxy Hoover
This does not come from the narcissist but from one of his supporters in his coterie or his Lieutenants. It usually comes from a Lieutenant who can be relied on to execute the hoover in precisely the way that we have directed. The Proxy Hoover will often include a different type of hoover e.g. The Medical Emergency Hoover where the narcissist will use a genuine or more likely feign a medical emergency to force interaction between you and the narcissist and engender sympathy. With the proxy, the call alerting you to the emergency concerning the narcissist will come from the Lieutenant. Like any proxy hoover, there are several reasons for adopting this approach: –
You may not realise the person is a lieutenant and therefore you are more likely to respond to what they say than if it came from our kind, especially if you have instigated no contact;
The conflict between you and us is ameliorated as a consequence of the involvement of this third party, meaning you are more likely to believe what you are being told;
The proxy may stand more chance of persuading you to act;
You may regard what we say and do with suspicion but not this third party
You may not want to look bad in the eyes of the third party by failing to respond.
The key to dealing with this hoover is actually recognise what it is. It is not a third party asking for your help, it is a third party coercing you into contact with us again. You should be especially aware of any of your friends or family asking you to see us or do something for us, or if they comment about how good you and I were together, that we really do miss you and so on. We will infiltrate your supporters to gain added credibility and slip under your radar in this manner. Be aware that any third party who asks you to engage with us is a proxy who is executing the hoover on our behalf. No matter how purportedly significant the event is, the emotional pull involved or the persuasion applied reject it and do so in a firm and business-like manner. Do not show indecision, do not appear upset or concerned or even annoyed or irritated by the approach – even if you do not engage this reaction will be reported to us and will achieve two things for us. One, fuel. Secondly, we know we still have an effect on you and we will keep hoovering. If you are concerned the nature of the proxy hoover may be genuine suggest the Lieutenant finds someone else to help.
The Reverse Hoover
This is quite a cunning method of hoovering. We let it be known through various channels that we do not want anything to do with you, that you should never darken our doorstep again and that we are through with you. This message will be broadcast over all channels – through friends, family, social media and so on. It is not said by us directly to you, that would defeat the purpose. We ensure this message reaches you and the aim is to have you disbelieve that we would say such a thing about you and to appeal to your desire to prove us wrong. Just in the way that a parent causes problems by denying a teenager any opportunity to hang out after 9pm, so they go and do it anyway, by telling you there is something that you cannot do, you then want to do it. Of course we have to gauge the right recipient of this hoover as some people will be content to hear us say those words. It is usually done with those we have discarded without telling that person they have been discarded and they cannot quite believe that it is at an end. This proclamation will cause them concern but they are still not ready to accept that it is the case that the relationship has ended (and they are right because it never ends) and therefore they come looking for an explanation and confirmation that what they have heard is not true. By not telling you direct we can tell you that the rumours you have heard are false and welcome you back with open arms as you are successfully hoovered. Again, recognise this for what it is and avoid acting on what you have been told. It is a ruse to play on your trait of needing to know. If you hear such things being said tell yourself that the comments are true, it is over and we do not want anything to do with you and stay away.
The Letterbox Hoover
This hoover utilises the strong link we know that exists for some time post discard or post escape between seeing a trigger and the golden memories (and/or dark memories) that flow from the trigger. For example, we always slow danced to a particular piece of music with you which made you feel loved and wonderful. If you hear that piece of music the memory is awakened and we flood your memory and your senses. This is ever presence. To avoid this happening you need to take all steps not to play this piece of music again, indulge yourself with new pieces of music and if you hear it inadvertently to switch it off or move away from its source. With this hoover we want to scale your defences and use ever presence to get back in to your head, cause you to think of us and react (and although we do not see it we will get fuel because we know how you will respond) and make you vulnerable to wanting to contact us or a further hoover approach from us. One method of doing this is to send you a birthday or Christmas card with a beautiful, thoughtful handwritten message, often alluding to what we did together on a wonderful birthday or Christmas together during our golden period. This arrives with other cards and therefore is less noticeable. We will most likely print the address or have someone else write it for us so our handwriting does not alert you on the envelope. Once you open it, you read the message and see it is from us and bam! We are in your head and heart once again. It is a pleasant gesture, no malice and you will remember all the good things, think about us, want to contact us and thank us and wonder if this represents a fresh beginning of good relations or the chance to get back together and do things right this time. It is a hoover pure and simple.
To tackle this covert hoovering method, have someone vet all cards and parcels which are sent to you around Christmas, birthday and other appropriate festivals and events. Once checked this person can weed out anything from us and then reseal the envelopes for you so you still have the pleasant act of opening the envelopes and cards for yourself, that have been sent from anybody but us.
The Psychic Connection
This is effective if we know that you are a spiritual person who believes in psychic events, astrology, ghosts, telepathy and the emotional connections between people that are stronger than normal. These beliefs and similar are often applicable to empathic people who of course form our victims of choice. We will use a supposed psychic connection or event to appeal to this nature of yours in order to signify that something special has happened which means we need to be together. We have to have the means of contacting you, often by sending you a message or leaving a voicemail. It is done in a dramatic fashion as we have suddenly uncovered a mystical or portentous occurrence which is of deep-seated significance which tells us that we are meant to be together, we should see each other straight away to discuss its implications or that it has caused us to see the light with it being conveyed in such a manner. Examples will include
Claiming to have dreamt about you in a strange and significant way;
We have seen a clairvoyant who spoke about you and I;
We saw your image when you were not there as if you needed to tell us something;
A picture of you fell off the wall or fell over on our desk without explanation and we knew this meant you wanted to get in touch;
We have had a vision of something terrible happening to you and we have to warn you to save you;
Your face appeared in the froth on our morning latte;
Your name was spelt in jam on the kitchen floor when we dropped our toast.
From the possible to the ridiculous we will exploit your belief in such things in order to establish contact again. Recognise any messages that allude to the above or similar things as what they are; a hoover and do not respond to them in any fashion no matter how curious or compelling it may feel.
The Silent Hoover
This comes in the form of a telephone call but there is no message left or nobody speaks when you answer. It is a blank text message or empty e-mail. It is an invitation to use a particular app on your phone. The purpose of this is to get you to respond to find out why it was sent or done. Once you do so we will either escalate the nature of the hoover by turning on the charm or trying to draw sympathy etc. through the application of a further hoover. We may not respond when you telephone but we know that we have been able to make you respond and we will do a few further Silent Hoovers to increase your curiosity and confirm that you are vulnerable now to our overture by way of a further hoover. If you fail to respond or do so and dismiss us we save face by saying it was sent by mistake a “butt call” or we hit the wrong key etc. If you respond favourably then we have a green light to apply further pressure to seduce you again. Once again recognise this for what it is and no matter how curious as to why it has been sent do not respond. It is a hoover which will rope you in and have you subjected to further additional hoovers of a different nature.
The Prove Yourself Hoover
Similar to The Reverse Hoover, this hoover relies on your need to say your piece, stand up for yourself and have the last word. It relies on ensuring that a smear campaign has been effected against you and something particularly ridiculous or savage has been said about you. We will ensure that word reaches you through messages from third parties, third parties telling you to your face or postings on social media so you are gripped by the need to respond, set the record straight and tell us what has really happened in order to get us to accept this and issue an apology and correction. We know the type of victim that this really strikes home with, those who always need the truth to be told, who need to be held in correct regard by other people and those who must set us straight. We know you will be sat bristling, incredulous at what is being said about you and you cannot help yourself but want to get the true version out there and ram our words back down our throat. This hoover relies on this and the fuel that flows as you come charging at us ready to make us eat our words. This is precisely that we want to happen.
Again, recognise it is happening and do not respond. If you need to ensure people know the truth, then tell them in an even-handed and level manner and refer to evidence wherever possible rather than oral testimony and hearsay. Do not try and approach us, do not try and persuade us. We are not interested in that. We are interested in your fuel and getting to interact with you again.
To learn more about the narcissistic hoover read Black Hole – Available on Amazon
US https://www.amazon.com/Black-Hole-Narcissistic-Hoover-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01D7OPOFQ
UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/Black-Hole-Narcissistic-Hoover-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01D7OPOFQ
CAN https://www.amazon.ca/Black-Hole-Narcissistic-Hoover-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01D7OPOFQ
AUS https://www.amazon.com.au/gp/product/B01D7OPOFQ
50 thoughts on “6 Speciality Hoovers (And How To Unplug Them)”
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I was contacted via FB by his mistress. She writes:
“Dear, it is effortless to contact me. I will not communicate with you. I am 50 years old and I have a daughter and I need to be a good example for her. N is not my boyfriend, we are colleagues. I prefer older man. I advise you to seek professional help.” I discarded him in March 18 and never ever contacted this woman or him. What ist this?
Thank you
HG.As I am on the shelf, why does he feel he needs to call using No caller ID and not just text me? Last contact was in August…crumbs and my reply….not mean, just cordial….. I have changed up my routine and I do not contact him at all but I never have since being put on the shelf.
Thanks for your insight
HG Tudor
SEPTEMBER 25, 2018 AT 10:41
Concern of being wounded.
Well then I guess I really don’t have to worry about going NC since he is afraid I will wound him if he gets in contact.
HG,
Why would the narc be afraid of being wounded if I am SIPSS? There has been crumbs and I have replied? I never initiate contact and have changed up my routine slightly.
Thank you
All narcissists innately hate to be wounded.
I’ve been in a 4 year nightmare due to a horrible situation with my now Xhusband (alcoholic, abusive narc.) As well as his now 19 year old son which was diagnosed 3 years ago with Asperger’s with schizophrenic tendencies , depression, anxiety, and much more. Unfortunately we live in a small town and since kicking them out of my home in which I care for my 89 yr old mother he disappeared for a week or so then moved right down the street and used his son to get me to him by taking my sons (7yrs.yngr.) backpack I called the police but was told they don’t come out to collect belongings for me to call if a problem. I was attacked from behind and kicked in the face and chest with his steel toe boots I didn’t realize I was knocked out twice but received broken collar bone , cracked ribs and had to be life flighted to other city with a brain aneurysm with the center of my brain filling with blood i was told i may also be paralyzed from my neck down BZ my spinal cord was pinched and my spinal fluid was a small drip through all of this he is calling me blaming the son. Luckily the hospital I was transferred to refused him entry and threatened a trespass warrant. carried his boot print from my collar bone to just above my navel for over a month and .yet the GOOD OLD BOY NETWORK / police officer NEVER spoke to me and the ONLY REPORT MADE SAID HIS SON WAS SUICIDAL SO THEY GAVE HIM A THREE DAY HOLD WHEN I GOT OUT OF HOSPITAL I COULDN’T GET RESTRAINING ORDER BZ NO POLICE REPORT, YET DCF TOOK MY SON BZ HI’M AND HIS SON ARE GASLIGHTNG MY TERROR AND FEAR IS NOT ONLY OF HIM BUT HIS SON WHICH IS JUST AS EVIL I CAN’T MOVE BZ CARING FOR MY ELDERLY MOTHER BUT HAVE NO POLICE TO TURN TO…ANY SUGGESTIONS. I AM.DESPERATE. HE JUST PULLED A MEDICAL HOOVER THIS WEEK USING HIS 19 YR OLD SON AS THE INJURED CLAIMED HE WAS IN ICU BUT NEXT MORNING THEY BOTH DROVE BY AS I TOOK MY CHILD TO SCHOOL IN ANOTHER COUNTY BZ HIS SONS FRIENDS HAVE VANDALIZED MY CAR AND MADE THREATS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. HIS SONS MOTHER DIED AT 48 YRS OLD WITH THE SON BRAGGING ABOUT THEM KILLING THE BITCH. I WAS 48 WHEN I WAS ALMOST KILLED I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF IN JANUARY AND WAS ATTACKED IN MARCH….SHE KICKED HIM OUT IN FEBRUARY WAS DEAD IN MAY. I’M AT A LOSS WITH SO MANY DETAILS LEFT OUT
ANY HELP WOULD BE SO APPRECIATED.
I recommend you arrange a consultation.
Lol. Now I am getting calls from the Philippines. WOW. That is a whole new level of weird
Lori
SEPTEMBER 21, 2018 AT 16:24
HI Kim
I’m well thanks. I hope you can turn your shelving into disengagement. There is nothing for you with these people. Nothing. Only prolonged pain. This phone nonsense is just that nonsense. I have had this occur with both Narcs. It is so freakin odd how they all behave the same right down to how they use their phone as a weapon. It’s crazy.
I assume you are an ipss since weekends are hard ?
Yes Lori……..IPSS. But I can only imagine that weekends for the IPPS are no picnic either depending on the narcs mood.
Narcissists suck.
Well let me tell you about that …
I have been both an ipps (first Narc ) ipss (2nd Narc) and they both suck each of you think the other has something the other doesn’t when in reality it just sucks for everyone. Ipps is no picnic been there done that
Lori,
Ya, it all just sucks.
The Somatic Narcissist still hoovers me after all this time, even though he is now married. I ignore him, but he won’t give up! It makes me so angry, and scared, too. I get so angry that I want to shoot him in the leg! But then, I know my conscience would stalk me if I did that. So, I can’t.
Nika,
How long has it been?
Kim e,
It has been about two long years that he has been Hoovering me, off and on… Sometimes it’s hard for me to ignore him because it makes me so angry. But, I would never do anything like slash his tires, run him over with my car, poison him, key his prized vehicle sitting inside his garage, or anything like that.
At the time, it might seem doable, but after the fact, my conscience wouldn’t be able to deal with it.
Nika. Can I ask why you don’t go NC? Don’t mean to get personal and if you don’t want to say, I get it. Just wondering as I am having a real hard time going NC.
Thanks
Kim e,
From this one, I am No Contact because I totally “nothing” him. He never even crosses my mind, unless he is Hoovering, again.
But it is, he, who emails me with explicit messages. I cannot block him because I only have a tablet, not an actual Laptop. Yahoo says that I can only block addresses via an actual computer or laptop.
I do not respond to him, but in part, I do feel a need (due to safety reasons) to know what his emails say so as to make sure he is not going to do something that would put me in danger.
He has jumped my (locked) fence after I broke up with him, and been on my property, at night (thinking he was not being seen).
He is a Somatic Narcissist, was a Sergeant in the Army, is immensely physically strong, and carries a gun.
One of the reasons why I broke up with him was because my family happened to see bruises he left on me, and completely ostracized him. Of course, the police were called, but back then, I didn’t want to press charges because I knew he had to go to work the next day, and I didn’t want him to get into trouble for missing work.
But now, I am completely over him, and “nothing” him so much that he is mere vapor to me, except I don’t like the Hoovering. He’s now married! 😠
Hope I can get there some day. I think I am doing good and then a friend will say “ I saw W today” and that triggers it. Not sure if it was an innocent sighting or if he put himself there knowing would get back to me
Thanks for your reply.
My ex tried a medical emergency hoover a couple of times. He also hoovered me through social media. Presently he is attempting a third party hoover which I am ignoring.
Hello HG, i have 3 questions: is it a hoovering when the narcissist sends a message saying “goodbye, call me whenever you want” when he has to leave his city for work? (5 months of silence and bad eyes before this text message). Do you think he meant: if you want to be remembered, you have to contact me first?
Did my no reply wound him?
Thanks for your help, hope you will answer.
1. Yes.
2. That is the impression he wished to create, yes.
3. Yes it did.
Potentially he is using Silent Hoover (but there’s no way to know, since there’s no caller ID and it’s the work phone). The one I’m waiting for is the Psychic Hoover: some communication that tells me about “a mystical or portentous occurrence which is of deep-seated significance [and]… we should see each other straight away to discuss its implications.”
LOLOL! We have a “high spiritual relationship”? Great, go fuck yourself on the astral.
Kelleygurl116
Thanks for a wonderful start to a Friday.
I am rolling here!!!!!
Reverse Hoover, and The Prove Yourself Hoover. I got plenty of odd phone calls that I usually did not answer but the number actually belonged to someone or a butt dial from a third party (a woman) who I didn’t know as well as unusual FB requests.
All the spam calls I get now are attached to phone numbers that dont exist.
Hello HG,
Would you recommend meeting ex narc after separation, ONLY TO reconcile, shake hands and let him know that I forgave him?
Am asking because narcissist thinks differently, so, he might see this as a chance to hoover me and try to get in touch.
Also, I have read in Sam Vaknin’s work that after separation. We should never ever approach a narcissist once again even if he was sick in hospital! Which I found it to be so inhumane!
So, as long as narcissist thinks differently, and we should not deal with them in the same way as we do with other people. Would you recommend that I arrange a meeting with my ex narc to shake hands?
Your answer is highly appreciated.
No. Get out. Stay Out.
Thanks for your advice. HG.
Can you please explain why? For example, what would you do if one of your exes did that? How would you react?
Would it be the same case if met him from a position of power. With my buddies, a five minutes meeting?
If they did what MS, I do not see in my moderation pane the comment to which you are referring so you need to be specific please.
HG, would regularly viewing my business page be a silent hoover?
Also he deleted me from Facebook but has been posting publicly since then – his page is full of posts with his new IPPS. Am I correct in thinking he is posting publicly so that I can see what he is posting? Thank you
1. Yes.
2. Yes.
Thank you
HG. Do No Caller ID phone calls count as hoovers? I keep getting them
Potentially. It might be someone asking you if you have been missold a financial product, whether you had an accident in the last 3 years or offering the ‘investment opportunity of a lifetime’.
No Caller ID means they had to dial *67 before dialing the number. And you can not call back so it would not be a solicitor selling me something Whoever made the calls had to intentionally dial *67
On that basis given the difference in approach with regard to the relevant telephone network it is a hoover.
HG. And is there a point to this type of hoover? Just thought fuel?
Which type of hoover – remember, I do not see the comment you are referring to in my moderation pane, so you need to be specific and re-iterate please.
Happy Birthday-ish HG! This world is a better place with you in it.
HG! I am sorry. The hoover I was referring to was the one where I keep getting No Caller ID calls that if not answered can not be returned. I believe he was watching me when he did one of them but I did not flinch…just kept walking.
Is this done for thought fuel? What else could he gain?
Thank you.
Have a nice weekend!
Yes there would be some thought fuel, but there is also the expectation that this will provoke so you will contact the narcissist and ask if he is calling you, or to tell him to leave you alone and thus there is a greater fuel provision.
Yes there would be some thought fuel, but there is also the expectation that this will provoke so you will contact the narcissist and ask if he is calling you, or to tell him to leave you alone and thus there is a greater fuel provision.
HG.As I am on the shelf, why does he feel he needs to call using No caller ID and not just text me? Last contact was in August…crumbs and my reply….not mean, just cordial….. I have changed up my routine and I do not contact him at all but I never have since being put on the shelf.
Thanks for your insight
Concern of being wounded.
Here, it’s an alarm system for your home, the IRS, or you’ve won a cruise!
Kim
I have had the same thing happen and guess what ? The only time it had happened is when I have been involved with Narcs. I was involved with more than 8 years ago and got them then they stopped and I never got one again until Narc 2 disengaged. I just had 2 in 3 days and couldn’t call the numbers back
I don’t know if it’s a hoover but they all seem to do this phone nonsense
Hi Lori,
I am with you. Never had one of these calls before.I am on the shelf & do not believe I have been disengaged from. I think he was watching me when the first one occurred.
Two days ago, I was off work so my car was not where it normally would be parked. He took the earlier train knowing I would not be on it. Not sure if it was a coincident or he was hoping to hear some info about what I have been doing.
Other than that…….how has life been for you?
Have a great weekend…they are always hard for me.
HI Kim
I’m well thanks. I hope you can turn your shelving into disengagement. There is nothing for you with these people. Nothing. Only prolonged pain. This phone nonsense is just that nonsense. I have had this occur with both Narcs. It is so freakin odd how they all behave the same right down to how they use their phone as a weapon. It’s crazy.
I assume you are an ipss since weekends are hard ?
HG how should one deal with a work colleague narc ,I spotted her attempt at triangulation yesterday , I know what she is , and I am kind of trapped in her web.
Do I ignore it , play along and become resentful , say one thing and do another ? I’m stuck ,I can’t go no contact obviously and know full well she is well capable of smearing me to the boss if I don’t jump through her hoops.
Yours kiki
Consult with me and I will give you the tools as this is a bespoke situation.
Thank you HG I will as soon as I can