Please Please Please
I want you to do your best. That is a noble intention is it not? I want you to try harder each day. I want you to aim high and strive to improve on what you achieved the previous day. Though exhaustion may be clouding your vision and that ache in your limbs reminds you of the strenuous ministrations that you have attended to, I know that you can push through it and do it more, better, faster and stronger. I believe in you. Those other imposters are mere charlatans. Am I not the one who has given you a perfect love? You need to keep that perfect love and earn it. Accordingly, each day I will pull it away from you. On a Monday it might be the case that I do not kiss you. I will not give you an explanation for this withholding as you must work it out. Once you have you need to work hard to recover my kiss. The next day I will not return the hug you always give me when we first get up. Rather than complaining hold your tongue and consider this all part of your on going education. If you want my perfect love to manifest through those warm, safe hugs that you relish then you must please me so that you may have them again.
You repeatedly comment to me that there has to be give and take in a relationship. I am doing exactly what you ask for. I take away in order to make you give more and then you will be rewarded. In order to avoid any complacency on your part you will find that the next time I withdraw from kissing you, your first response which reinstated my luscious embrace will not work a second time. No that would be far too easy. You need to ascertain what different act you must accomplish in order to secure my tender kisses. I know you will do it. Who would not in order to feel my mouth against yours and that soaring sensation inside as the relief floods through you, knowing that you have secured its return. Admit it, the potential loss of my affection at any time for any reason excites you. You do not want mediocrity. You want excitement. You want to feel like you are flying, soaring, bursting and spinning with delight. I am the only one who can supply that to you and thus you willingly engage with me in these games as I push you further and further, pulling back a little more each time so you wrack your brain and strain your sinews to find the answer once again. It would be wrong of me to say I only do this for your benefit. I do not. I do it wholly for mine since I need you to please me. You please me by being the puppet jerking on my strings, doing everything at my behest. The surge of power that I get from this control surpasses anything you might get from our relationship, but are we not both getting something from it, so where’s the harm in pleasing me?
73 thoughts on “Please Please Please”
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I listened to two interviews HR had with Out of the box radio talk show. And those interviews gave me the closure I needed after being discarded from a 30 year marriage with all grown up children.
I have been searching for answers for over a year now because I kept telling myself. ” something was not right” and his responses to my emotions and other scenerios was not normal! I am a good woman.
I can finally make sense of everything I dealt with for the past 20 years. The love bombing, devaluation, and discard. I lived and experienced all 3 phases. I pinpointed the mask came off 20 years ago. He was by himself for 3 months in another city before the family joined him. I didn’t know what I was dealing with back then, but when the family reunited I noticed a change in his interactions with me. It was a slow change and looking back now I believe he had affairs behind my back. He slowly distanced himself from me. I began to become more and more insecure. He was very charming, I witnessed other women getting more attention than me! I would confront him about my feelings like nothing. I was name called, told I was needy, insecure, paranoid and crazy! I was pushed even further away. I can’t even describe how intense my insecurities were.
When the children were growing up. I couldn’t understand why he was the first one up from dinner table and on computer until kids in bed. Now I know he was probably looking for his next fix.
I lived many years feeling repressed. I realize now I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for many many years. I didnt understand it back then.
He labeled me paranoid, threw that in my face, therefore never took me on a business trip with him.
He brought in single women coworkers, women we would meet through other friends . He would invite them to meet for dinner with us. And the person I was I said yes, I didn’t think anything of it at the time .I would notice his closeness with them. It bothered me. But it quickly turned on me – I had the problem. He called me paranoid and belittled me etc. I became an emotional wreck.
After our divorce, I discovered he was even having women over to the house when I would fly back home for a week. Very hurtful to me. And after the divorce I found out he had a girlfriend for at least a year or more.before our divorce.
I could write a book I have so may stories. But understand his Narcissistic Personality Disorder after listening to you HR.
I am a faithful, devoted, believe in the institution of marrage, caring, giving , loving and high tolerate individual.
I am still recovering from the emotional abuse and his lack of empaty for me and why he hurt me so! I loved this man but he destroyed my family unit which means alot to me!
I told him I thought I knew the man I loved and married but come to find out I didn’t know you at all.
I am picking up the pieces and moving on. Which is not easy at times at age 62.
Will he change and treat a future love with everything he denied me?
Comments are appreciated! Hope
I meant HG not HR! My apologies!
Hello Hope,
I love the name you have chosen for here on the blog. People often malign hope as silly or emotional thinking, but hope can be a wonderful thing. It keeps our thinking outward toward the future.
In answer to your question- no. He will not change. He will not provide any new or other women with love, because he is a narcissist, a serial cheater and incapable of real love. My advice is to put him behind you as much as you can and move forward into your future. Stay here on the blog, read as much as you can. Have a consultation with HG if you can afford it. Share as much of your thoughts and feelings as you can. We are a pretty supportive group. ❤️
Windstorm,
Thank-you! That’s exactly what I needed to hear! He will not change and will never know real love! I will take your advice and continue keeping him no contact as I move on with my new life with Hope of a better future. I enjoy HG website and will keep reading and learning because that gives me fuel! Hope
Tigerchelle,
I just now saw this (above) reply comment from you to me, on the thread… so I am hoping this comment will go through, as I want to then reply back to you.
Sorry I am so late!
Dear lovely K,
Thankyou precious … I very much luv the way you are too 😊
Mr Tudor is probably gagging and chocking on all these comments … climbing his blog wall to let him out …. haha
We can’t say that to a narc … cos we don’t really know what they are….they’re not real …. at least we all are
Thankyou K and all you sweeties … you’re endearing comments have been most humbling … luv you lot
Luv Bubbles xx 🤗
Ps … most “pleasing” article Mr Tudor… we aim to please yet narcs aim to destroy…so sad 😔
Dearest Bubbles, You are very welcome! I always look forward to your comments about Mr. Bubbles and The Weasel.
Our warm and fuzzy comments evince what we are and I think that is very helpful for HG’s intelligence gathering.
It is sad. We are programmed to give (fuel) and they are programmed to receive (fuel). We are real; we are Velveteen rabbits.
Luv K xoxo
Dearest K,
Awe …. that is so sweet of you K, thank you
You “intrigued” me to search and read the Velveteen rabbit story … how absolutely gorgeous and delightful ….brought tears to my eyes
Life is about new learnings and you just enriched mine with that beautiful story …we are very real indeed
Thank you my lovely ( who doesn’t luv a cute little bunny) 🐰
Luv Bubbles xx
Dearest Bubbles
You are very welcome! I read that story to my children and I loved how the rabbit became real. You feel happy and sad at the same time. There are many lessons in that story and here is just one of them.
6 Life Lessons From ‘The Velveteen Rabbit’, Because Everyone Deserves To Be Real:
“Bullied from all directions, the Rabbit learned to ignore the people who hated on him and to value his friendships with the Boy and the Skin Horse. Listening to the people who matter and tuning out the rest isn’t just a valuable life lesson; it’s a survival skill.”
Bunnies are cute!
Luv K xoxo
Dearest K,
You described it perfectly K and so true
Schools should include this heartwarming tale … what a great learning asset
Mr Bubbles and I were only discussing kiddie books the other day and going thru all the books we read to our children because I came across a Scottish grandmother reading The Wonkey Donkey book to her little one on You Tube
I’ve never laughed so much
My gift to you K
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dearest WiserNow,
How kind of you to respond …. your comment was so touching (I was really surprised to see so many comments)
I promise I won’t change ….I couldn’t really … it wouldn’t be me …haha
Thank you gorgeous, most appreciated
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
You’re very welcome Bubbles 😘
To be honest, I’m not at all surprised to see the many positive comments. Your energy is fun-loving, well-meaning, helpful and sincere. Since there are many empathic people here who are good at reading “energy”, …well, we can tell 😉
I for one am glad that you’ll stay the same, lovely lady xx
Dear WiserNow,
💋Mwah and 🤗
💜
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dearest Blank, Windstorm, NarcAngel, WhoCares,
Thank you my lovelies
I very much appreciate your kind responses and support
My name here, really does describe who I am in real life ….. that’s what gets me into trouble …..my personality … haha
Mr Bubbles has always supported my self esteem issues (underneath I’ve always felt I was never good enough, always trying to please and seek approval …..it’s hard to shake off a lifetime of abuse overnight, somewhat ingrained)
Mr Tudor knows us better than we know ourselves and that’s real scarey
That’s what I admire here, the different personalities and the strength of characters you lovelies display ….. it helps more than you realise
I shall “Bubble on ” as you suggest …haha
Thank you again my sweets
Hugs to you all
Luv Bubbles xx 😘💜
Ps … Windstorm and NarcAngel ….have we all been around together “that” long ..😱 haha
” My apologies if I come across too sickly “sweet/nice” ….I understand if I’m not everyone’s “cup o tea” …. I can tone it down if everyone would prefer”
It actually makes me kind of sad when it comes down to even Bubbles adopting an apologetic tone thinking that she comes across as *too* ‘something’ (fill in the blank – in this case: too ‘sweet’)
Please don’t change, Bubbles.
I’m not naturally sweet…not even salty…and not even naturally confrontational, but in the midst of whatever we’re all doing here: learning/healing/sharing/supporting – if something glaringly crosses a certain line (that I personally witness) I do feel impelled to say something. And I say it with the full awareness that someone may then retaliate against what I said or they might just mildly disagree. It bothers me that people feel uncomfortable with being who they naturally are – unless they are naturally, or purposely, hurtful towards others; and then it should bother them.
My therapist asked me why do I expect so much of myself and why do I think I’m being so harsh to myself when in fact I have many reasons to be proud of .
I said I remember as a little girl running home to show my father my test results. Another ‘A’! , but there was no ‘well done ‘ or ‘ I’m proud of you ‘. He would just concentrate on a few marks I missed here and there…
All he ever had to say was ‘ do better, try harder next time ‘.
Not good enough.
She said that i’ve got this little girl in me seeking approval but i am ‘ being my father to myself ‘.
Abrokenwing
Do you accept what your therapist has told you, and do you think you can begin to change it?
‘Do I think I can begin to change it ?’
My boss organize a private therapist and nutritionist for me and I’m also seeing a CBT therapist , so I’m working hard to remove some of my chains.
Unfortunately, some of them are for life.
Not sure what happened to the first part of my comment…
So answering your first question NA , I am very sceptical about the therapy and I did not like to go there at the beginning. I also find it very difficult . But yes , I think she was right about what she told me.
Mr. Tudor said something very similar to me during the consultation so yes , I do accept it.
Abrokenwing
Thats great that you are being supported in your workplace. You were always good enough. Better than good. He was just too sick to see or accept it and that is not your fault.
How many empaths does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one if the lightbulb wants to change.
Pixie
Ha, ha! Very good!! 💡
That is exactly how my ass looks. In fact, that is my ass. You’re welcome.
You’re ass is gorgeous Bibi! xx
Holy fucking shit balls this article describes it all.
Except being the polite mid range that he is I actually got an explanation for all of the “take away”. And it was always the same. His inability to compartmentalize the guilt and shame. And he “needed” to “take steps back with me”. He said he could not let certain notions of the relationship take too strong of a hold in my mind because it would always end up upsetting me. And that is why he needed to “pull back away”.
Fucking tortured soul bullshit fucking fuckitty nonsense.
I do not mean that comment about the article though. That was a great article HG, it made a few more things make sense.
Thank you.
Now you are getting it. It’s total fuckity fuck fucking nonsense.
My first Narc pulked this bs. He left me because he knew he was hurting me but they always sprinkle a little truth. He said Lori I left you before you left me. You were going to leave me. I said no I wasn’t. He said yes you were. I am an asshole and we would have eventually divorced. When I asked about the other women he said oh good lord I was never leaving you for one of those whores. I was the Madonna Saint ipps and the ipss s were the sinner whores in his mind
Believe me they know exactly how it all goes down they’ve been through it enough times
That’s why I know I will beat the living shit out of my ex narc. Please please please you (ex narc) shitty head, handicapped now lesser because if HG says that you are lesser than that’s what you are little midget with that stupid cock hanging out like a whore. But that is another story for a well planned future event. Not in my current bucket list. Right now I am building up…… yum!
So…finally, when you leave, and you always leave, you will have created a new “stalker” and you will be pleased by this new Frankenstein’s creature”…
There is no harm in pleasing you my dear HG, we are all working very hard to do so. xx
Off-topic, I’d like to say something, if you’ll allow me.
There are regularly commenters who say things like we should respect and support each other (usually after some kind of quarrel here).
I do agree with that, but in my opinion there is nothing wrong with criticizing certain people on certain comments or attitude.
Always just politely agreeing with one another doesn’t make people grow, doesn’t make people aware of their ‘flaws’.
It is very healthy to show emotions and get your feelings out. If you can’t do that here, where can you?
To just be sweet and polite is fine, if that is your nature (probably like Bubbles – love you B), but it is not mine.
When I say NA comes across superior, then I say what I feel (I would not have mentioned this from myself, but in this case it was to support Tigerchelle and it was honest). I will not lie about my feelings.
To say such a thing doesn’t mean I do not respect or support NA.
I would sometimes prefer to discuss with a person privately, but since that is not a possibility, we have to say it in public.
We are here to discuss and it would be nice if we could express ourselves, even if it’s not always sweettalk. When one feels attacked by me, attack me back if you feel like it. We have words to use to express ourselves. Get the annoyment, anger or whatever out.
Feeling wounded for every bit of criticism is narcish. Criticize me, it makes me aware and it can make me grow. But make sure it is honest.
I hope y’all get what I’m trying to say. The challenge in life is not to get an high IQ, but rather an high WQ (wisdom quotient).
Love you all, we are all just a result of our brainwiring and the influence of all the people we’ve dealt with in our lives, but we need to get to know ourselves, so we can change for the better.
Have a nice weekend! xx
(I’ll sure have a blast, cause I’m meeting with Matrinarc this afternoon)
PS: I also would really appreciate if you’d care to point out my flaws in English, that is when I make the same mistakes over and over and could probably make my comments annoying to read. Thanks! xx
I concur but yet NA has made me laugh out loud with her unexpected comments, especially when I talking freaking serious and she throws some crazy ass comment. Sometimes I just need a virtual drinking gf and NA makes me feel she is one to me…
Kathy, I’m glad you have a good laugh here and have a person you can relate to. Best wishes to you. xx
Thank you, Blank. I relate to everyone here to some degree. We are all in this same boat….
Dearest Blank,
Awe … thank you sweetie for mentioning me … 😘
I totally get what you’re saying and I truly understand
I try to see “both sides” and appreciate where everyone is coming from
Here ….. everyone is hurting
Don’t worry my lovely, I can argue … I choose not to, as I find, for me, it’s wasted energy and it’s too exhausting for me … the weasel pushed me to my ultimate limits (I was constantly arguing, debating, reasoning, common sensing with him) …. same with my mum …. hurts my head too much
The weasel and co, exhausted me totally and I’m left with no more energy
I believe I try to respect everyone here …. there’s always a good reason behind every argument and yes, it gives us a chance to learn n grow
My apologies if I come across too sickly “sweet/nice” ….I understand if I’m not everyone’s “cup o tea” …. I can tone it down if everyone would prefer
Luv you pet and warmest wishes
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles
None of us are everyone’s “cup o’ tea.” Be yourself, Bubbles. That’s the best person you can ever be! And when we are our own authentic selves, doing the best that we can, and not harming anyone else – it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about us. That’s just their opinion. not our reality.
Bubbles
I’m glad you changed your name to something that better represents you, but as for anything else – please don’t change a thing.
NA
Ok, that’s two times someone has mentioned Bubbles having changed her name. Someone help out the clueless, please! What was her old name?
Windstorm
It was Silly Ol Person
Oh! Thanks for telling me, NarcAngel! I remember her. I’m sure she told us at the time she changed it, but senility strikes again! It’s sad how everything headed to hell in a hand basket when I turned 60.
Dear Bubbles, don’t discuss and argue if it is too exhausting for you. I completely understand.
Nobody is everyone’s cup of tea I guess.
You don’t need to tone down anything, unless it is what you want yourself. Do not betray yourself by living up to other peoples expectations.
Bubbles, just be Bubbles sweetheart and if you feel like yelling one day go ahead!
HG will pull you back by your hair when you misbehave.
Luv you too B. Thanks for your response. Have a nice day and take care ××
I don’t think I’m anyone’s cup of tea! I think I’m probably a certain cocktail that only some can handle…..
I’ll let HG decide which one?!
No he won’t.
Then he does not have to. Please help me understand HG, does that feel like I’m challenging you? Because to me it was just being fun, friendly, humorous.
No it is not challenging to me in the slightest.
Hi Tigerchelle.
Have you read Sex and the Narcissist?
I have been reading some of your comments and am now wondering if you are receiving treatment for your BPD? If you are, how long has it been?
Thanks.
Lou
Yes I have. I do not see what that has to do with anything.
Doing my own DBT therapy at home with help from my carer and husband.
It has been years, because I’ve been stopping and starting. Recovery is not a straight line, so is often one step forward and two back.
I also am recovering/healing from a life time of narc abuse, therefore I have a lot on my plate, with BPD, PTSD and other disorders added to the mix.
Thanks for your answers Tigerchelle.
I asked if you had read Sex and the N because I wanted to know if you knew how HG regards virgins, a subject he covers in this book, when you wrote you were a virgin at 41, after being married for nearly 14 years. That’s all.
No I had not read the book then. I have only read bits of it anyway. No I don’t know nor care how he views virgins. I was not really interested in the book much because its not a subject that really applies to me.
It seemed logical to me that considering narcs like to use sex as early as possible and embed someone, then virgins would not be something they would seek out, and definitely not someone who had intimacy fears/issues too. It just would be a waste of their energies on something with no return if you get what I mean.
I also told my narc friend M I am a virgin too, and I told him to put him off too. I’ve been told that men like women who know what they want in that way. I know nothing!
I see. You had not read the book until last 10 September and since then you have read only bits of it. However, when I asked you if you had read it, you replied with a clear “yes, I have read it”. Again, another twist in your comments I find hard to believe but, why not?
If you are here to learn about narcs, read the section about virgins of Sex and the N, if you really haven’t read it. That will enlighten you further and will protect you from narcissists. Although, I know, no narc could make you have penetrative sex. You have said it before. Read it anyway so that next time you don’t tell any narc friend you have never had penetrative sex naively believing that would put him off. What you are just doing is presenting yourself as a challenge, and you do not want that, do you?
Take care.
Tigerchelle, forget about my question about therapy; I just read your exchange with Quasi.
For what is worth, I totally agree with Quasi’s advice to you to draw your focus away from HG and bring it back to yourself.
Lou
I answered them anyway.
My focus was never on HG. I’ve been somewhat curious/intrigued by him at times, in trying to ascertain/understand how he works, and his mind, and get his perspective on things, to see how he thinks etc….as everyone has on here.
Somehow throughout this blog, its continually brought up and been twisted about how I view him, and such like, and I’ve even been asked about our supposed “relationship” by ones on FB. Um….what relationship is that then?? Lol!
I do not know why this is. I truly do not. The only man I have a relationship with is my husband and I would like to keep it that way. I have a good man, and if anything, someone like HG, makes me appreciate and love my husband even more so.
I can assure people that there are many on this blog that I know DO have feelings for HG. (Their choice).
What is humorous is that none of those women get constantly told to take their focus away from him, or have it said they are infatuated with him. You got the wrong girl!!!!
I have NO feelings AT ALL, and could never have for him.
I’m sorry to disappoint you all, but you could not be further from the truth.
I only admire his work, but not him as a person.
The women that keep asking me about him, or insinuating in some way, or keep bring up about I want his attention, or I have infatuation with him etc or even jealousy, are the women that have the feelings, not me.
Ask yourselves, why are they bringing that up? Why are they concerned? The fact it even bothers them, what does that show?
Surely anyone that’s got half a brain, can work that out!
I also said because I only know the names of probably 2 cocktails, (and so presumed you would know more?!)
One I remember, was when I was in a bar in Texas playing pool, and it was called “spank the monkey”…..
It was so yummy and didnt feel like you were drinking alcohol. I had many of them that evening….. and um I had to be carried out….much to the amusement of the guy I was with and met properly for first time that evening (which we then dated)… and his brother and sister-in-law…. Oh happy times!
tigerchelle78
What does HG opinion have that would override your husbands opinion if you are someones cup of tea or a cocktail, are you not your husbands both cup of tea and cocktail? HGs opinion should not fucking matter to which you are, only your husbands. Unless of course you have some kind of infatuation with HG and that is why you stated such.
Twilight
Yes, you are right. Thank you for putting me straight.
HG’s opinion shouldn’t matter, only my husband’s. I agree with you and I apologise…..
I can see now looking at it again with a fresh head…how it must have come across.
Dear Bubbles,
Don’t you dare change! (…unless you would like to, of course).
You are absolutely awesome just the way you are.
You DO respect everyone here and your lighthearted but very wise and helpful comments are unique and a breath of fresh air.
Yes, you are sweet and kind and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. At all. Whatsoever. Again, nothing at all whatsoever!
This world is hard and cold and full of narcs. It feels like everyone’s walking around in these big tough guarded shells for protection, because, god forbid if they show emotion or sweetness or down-to-earth humility and kindness! I for one enjoy this blog because it is one place where I know I can say things I can’t say openly anywhere else. And the wonderful thing is that kind and empathic people like you can and do understand.
Personally, I don’t really enjoy arguments or cynical criticisms here on the blog when I see them. I feel like I’ve had enough of those in “real life” to last me not just one lifetime, but two! Like you, I feel exhausted by them and I don’t have the energy.
Having said that though, I completely agree with Blank that everyone should feel free to say what they feel and to comment and critique each other freely, as long as it’s done in an intelligent way that’s not demeaning or deliberately insulting.
Just be your lovely sweet self Bubbles. I like the way you are and you brighten up the place! xxx 🙂
I like you just the way you are Bubbles.
Luv K xoxo
I learn from so many in here. Even ones I don’t necessarily get on with, I still learn from them. Everyone has something different to bring to the table. And each has their unique perspective on things. I’m more like a ping pong ball!!!
Being in here is actually teaching me how to interact with different ones, and learning how to get my feelings across through the written word, without stepping on any toes in process. Its quite a tricky process actually. You need a clear head, and not too many feelings/emotions. I get that now….. It takes me a while to grasp things at times, but I do get there eventually….
At times it can feel like walking along a mine field in here….
And then other times there are fireworks!!!!
Always interesting and surprising, and like opening a box of chocolates…..
Yeah….I’m the half eaten nutty one in the corner that someone left!!!!
Tigerchelle,
Have you been professionally diagnosed? I’m curious as you made a comment that certain people can “handle ” you. No one can “handle” you at least no one that’s normal. Only another disordered I.e. Severe Codependent or Narcissist can “handle” you. That’s not “handling” that’s two 2 disordered folks mirroring each other. Borderline Personality disorder is a serious diagnosis and is known to be very damaging to others. Many therapists are of the opinion it’s worse that NPD because of the self harm and the extreme volatility.
If you are a true Borderline your relationships are always going to fail it’s just part of the pathology. I must say some of your choice of words certainky allude to Bpd “fireworks” “excitement here” Borderlines thrive on it and will create whenever they have an opportunity. So I’m curious if you have been professionally diagnosed?
Lori
Yes, I have been professionally diagnosed by a psychiatrist. I’ve also had others in the mental health field confirm that.
May I please remind you that not all borderlines are the same, as each individual is unique.
Generalizing people according to a label is akin to racism.
I’m about to celebrate on Tuesday my 14 years anniversary with my husband.
Tigerchelle
Happy Anniversary!!!’ 💐
Thanks very much Windstorm xx
tigerchelle78,
You have a lot of interesting aspects to your personality. You are *not* boring!/not fake/have some interesting insights.
I truly wouldn’t worry about HG’s responses to you, in that there is no reason you need to seek his approval… nor to worry about what anyone else thinks either.
I understand (from reading some of your comments) that you swing in extreme moods at times… but because of that, you probably catch nuggets of “big truth” as well. Embrace that aspect.
There’s much about you that touches me as being unique + genuine. I understand that you have BPD, and I do not glamorize that at all…I feel for your struggle with that… it’s mighty complicated…
But don’t forget to (with purpose) be your own cheerleader. Love the amazing parts about yourself. Seek to secure yourself, first in speaking more kindly/gently to yourself.
Embrace yourself, in all the positives, when you can… and you’ll secure a better friend — FOR you.
Caroline
Thank you so much…. and I appreciate what you’ve said. It means a lot.
Many have said similar things, like I’m not boring and I’m interesting. (But I find it difficult to believe anything good).I get told I am different from other women too, and like a book they can’t put down. I hate fakeness. I am very raw and real.
Being in here has meant learning a whole different strategy.
I will try to explain…..
Within groups of people, I rely heavily on facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, eye contact, emotional connection and the like, and in real life, many seem to warm to me and genuinely feel they can tell me anything…and do.
I pick up and absorb everything around me. I can pick up what others are feeling, even if they are faking. I can also tell over the phone, whether someone is not OK, but pretending to be, or there is something on there mind which they are hiding etc. But I need something to go by.
Within a group forum such as this, I have none of that to go on. I only have words. This is a challenge. So it has been a huge struggle for me, perhaps more so than most. I feel my way around, that’s how I work. Yet I cannot use or rely on those natural instincts in here. So its been a series of falling over and getting up again, but I’m very determined, and I will keep picking myself up, and start again….
Many on here I feel misunderstand me, (and I do get it) because I am coming from a different angle to most. I am a complex character too. I have many sides to me. But some will see the genuineness come through and hopefully see my heart. I hope!
So for me this is a massive learning curve with ones who do not know me nor I know them and we only have words, and they are dealing with a personality disordered and very damaged person….with varying traits, moods, and so forth…
But yes I do or would pick up on the type of way HG was/is responding, because that is how I am programmed I guess. To me, and I’ve always pretty much thought this. HG hates/disapproves of me. Therefore I feel very much the same toward him. Why does it seem important to me? Because everyone’s approval is what I seek, and its a very insecure way to live. Its painful too, because not everyone will approve or like you and you cannot make that happen and logically I know this, but try telling my emotionally damaged brain this. Its very child like, and it comes from neglect and not having your feelings acknowledged or cared about by your first caregivers throughout childhood/adulthood.
Do I want to stop wanting peoples approval? Yes. Do I want to stop caring what others think? Of course I do! And its a process of rewiring my brain, as well as trying to heal at the same time. So I’m sorry if I seem slow at learning….
I have made the mistake in here many times in trying on some level to seek HG’s approval (and it has nothing to do with because I have some infatuation with him or suchlike) because I’ve never thought of HG in that way. But some see it or pick up from my seeking approval that this is what it MUST be and they interpret it wrongly. I do not even like HG most of the time, (sorry no offence Tudor) but I appreciate his writing, and hard work. I appreciate how he accommodates us all here. I certainly would not want that job.
Having BPD makes you very emotionally reactive and sensitive. So even more so I am reacting to much in here, from what I pick up, and it may not actually be that way at all. So forgive me if that happens. Sometimes it takes me ages to do a comment. Because its complex for me.
There is much misunderstanding and its like I’m speaking a different language to most. It is actually very hard work to be in here for me. But I guess I like challenges as it helps me to grow as a person. The pain I get from here (and trust me I do), the tears and upsetanger, I take it all and then adapt and try to learn. I try to adjust and make improvements, but I’m going to make mistakes along the way. On some kinda level I think or feel HG gets this or me and so puts up with me.
I am a WORK IN PROGRESS. I have much more work to do . I am trying to learn things that many of you learnt when you are young and grasp concepts that you now take for granted and come naturally to most.
I don’t get to take the easy way out, like a narc, (no offence Tudor) in not caring, have no desire to change or improve, void of any empathy, accountability/guilt and live in a magical bubble that I am some god wishing to be treated like royalty……
Nope! I have to deal with the real and have the strength and courage every day to face my demons, my damage, my disordered and messed up brain, and care way too much about everything, and somehow heal and learn new thinking/behaviour patterns at the same time….and so on.
I’m trying to help myself in this process. I don’t know if I’m making any sense. Sometimes my thoughts feel disjointed.
For many this is a support forum and I get that. But for me often its like a mine field, with the occasional gems found! You could say, why do you keep coming back for more if its so painful? I come back so I can learn and be better/improve. I am here to learn about narcs too but that’s just information.
My mind constantly abuses me, and puts me under much pressure. But thank you for reminders to like myself. I need them. I often need reassurance too.
I am learning how to be a friend to myself. More learning…… I do not often see the positives in myself. Its like I’m not allowed to believe any good stuff about me. That’s how it feels.
Thank you for your kind words truly….
Sorry this is so long….
Most people
Caroline
Thank you, I have a longer response coming which will probably be in moderation for some time….so this is just a quick reply here….but more is coming….
It’s thoughtful to let me know, Tigerchelle. Tx.
Happy 14th anniversary tigerchelle!!
Thank you Chihuahuamum
Xxx
Happy Anniversary Tigerchelle,
Love is such a gift in life, and I wish you both a long and happy life together.
From another Caroline.
Aw thank you Caroline! X
Dear HG you are my life saver …I am not going mad !! …this is exactly how it is .its not that I am overly sensitive its all a narcissistic plan …I really do need to have a consultation with you one weekend …Thankyou for this because I kept thinking (is he one or not ) when he is nice it always seems so hard to believe it …
You are welcome and a consultation will help you.