A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 82

 

A LETTER TO THENARCISSISTNO NAME'S LETTER

My Dear Narcy guys,

I had and I have a lot of you in my life, so if I decided to write a letter to each of you, it would take a lot of my time and I have none. Moreover, my letters to all of you would be pretty similar, because you all have a lot in common. Yes, you all look different, you all behave differently, but I see the same type of a person, living inside of you. I want to talk about that person.
1. Emotional pain and Loneliness.
You all know what the Internal Loneliness means exactly. You are acutely aware of it. You desperately want to get rid of it, because it is unbearable. Like anyone else, you have a deep wish to be loved, accepted and cared for. You want to belong somewhere.
Moreover, considering your childhood traumas, you, more than anyone else, want all of those things, but you can’t get them, because you are afraid of intimacy, which is a key point to get them. You are afraid to give your all and be rejected after that. You know precisely, how badly you are susceptible to the Emotional pain and you know that you won’t survive it.
Having a lot of you, my dear Narcy guys, in my family history, I bear some of your genes and, because of it, I know how that Emotional pain feels also. It isn’t easy to describe it, but it definitely feels like a hell.
So, no wonder why you all have to protect yourselves from that pain, and the single possible way to do it is to live in a “shut up” manner. You don’t permit a single soul to get close to you. You don’t trust anyone. You don’t permit yourselves to be open and vulnerable. I understand it. I don’t judge you. It is your natural protective mechanism.
But.
We have a vicious cycle. Your deep desire to be loved, accepted and cared for conflicts with your protective mechanism.
My dear Narcy guys, do you realize how it is hard to love or to live with a constantly “guarded, suspicious, and hostile” person?! No? So, I tell you. It is totally exhaustive. In the end, people leave you alone because of it. I understand them. I don’t judge them. It is their natural protective mechanism.
2. Loneliness and Fantasy World.
Your internal loneliness is and feels unbearable. You want someone to be with, to share your life with, to belong to. But, you know very well that a closeness and an intimacy make you vulnerable and exposed to the Emotional pain you all can’t tolerate.
You need and want an absolutely safe person for yourselves. The person who will never leave (read betray) you. Absolutely loyal. Absolutely loving. Absolutely caring. Absolutely understanding. Absolutely kind. Absolutely…
That divine person doesn’t exist in the real life (he/she doesn’t exist in principle and some of you are painfully aware of it!), but he/she exists in your Fantasy World. You create the ideal mother, father, brother, sister, friend, partner and lover in your mind. That’s your One.
That One is your ideal half. You talk to him/her. You both laugh. You both lead an interesting life. You both do wonderful things. You make love. You are open and sincere. You feel loved and admired. You feel safe. You are free and…happy. Almost heaven.
But.
That “paradise” would be a bless to someone with a schizophrenia, but not to you. You have a very good reality check. You see a difference between your Fantasy World and your Real Life, and this is a source of your misery. You desperately want that “paradise” in your real life, because you think that it is the only possible way to be happy. Your Fantasy World, albeit very pleasant, is not enough. You want more. You want it real.
How?
To “create” your One using a real person. To get his/her real love and loyalty through a dependency. Emotional. Physical. Financial. You have to be very inventive, very convincing, very seductive. And yes, you always have to control your One, because he/she, invariably, would escape after realization that everything was a lie and an illusion.
The sings of your control are very different (depends) – mental games, flattery, bribery, intimidation, restriction, physical violence, etc… The paedophilia, rape, murder, and cannibalism are the most perverse and ultimate sings of control.
The infamous Dennis Nilsen talked for hours with the dead bodies of his victims and wrote a lot of very tender poems to them. Those dead bodies were his real and loyal “friends”. They shared his loneliness. They never betrayed him and never escaped. He didn’t have to pretend and control them. He felt safe and…happy with them.
My dear Narcy guys, I know that you aren’t paedophiles, rapists, murderers, and cannibals in your real lives. But, I know, you all have those dark fantasies from time to time. Everything is possible in your Fantasy World. You are the Kings and Queens there. You are the Gods. You are forever young, healthy and wealthy there. You can do everything you want there.
And I know how it is hard to all of you to fight with yourselves and not to cross a very thin line that divides your Fantasy World and your Real Life. You kill your various enemies in your heads and you try to be a good people in your real lives at the same time. It isn’t an easy way to live, but you all do it and, considering your lack of empathy, you do it almost perfectly. You have my respect for that.
3. Sensation-seeking, Envy and Hate.
Unfortunately, the bad Nature and the bad Nurture both contributed to your personality type development.
I don’t want to overload you with a various chemical and functional brain abnormalities’ details, but those abnormalities are real and a lot of data suggests that they can be measured and documented pretty accurately.
Among many of things, you all have a very high level of the “pleasure threshold”. It isn’t easy to make you happy, guys. You aren’t capable to extract your happiness from the simple things and stimuli (good weather, music, food, friendly talk, healthy sex, etc.).
Those stimuli can’t reach your “pleasure threshold”. They are too weak for that. You need more. Much more. Mad love. Drama. Scandal. Fight. War. Reckless driving. Alcohol. Drugs. Hard porn. Questionable adventures. Anything, that can reach your “threshold”. And not having an empathy and having a low impulse control, you guys don’t hesitate to get your immediate gratification. And it works. For a short period of time.
Without that “over-stimulation” you feel empty, bored, depressed, and generally unhappy. You know exactly when you need your next “fix”. It manifests as a nervousness, irritability, restlessness, and anxiety.
And you know exactly what would happen next, if you don’t find your “fix” as soon as possible. Your internal “monster”, “demon”, “creature”, or whatever you want to call it, would eat you alive. Do you know what is it?
It is a very interesting, but weirdly working type of a Narcy conscience. It constantly and desperately tries to save your humanity, to protect you, to warn you, to tell you how bad your deals are. It tells you that it “sees” the difference between your created and real self.
The more you do your bad deals, the bigger, stronger and more intimidating your internal “conscience-monster” becomes. You hear its ominous roar and you want to silence it. You are scared to death to hear and admit the truth and your real self.
How could you silence your “monster”? Well, you have to distract yourselves, trying to reach your high “pleasure threshold” and loose yourselves in that relieving, but unhealthy oblivion. And, pretty often, your “distractive” methods aren’t honourable at all.
So, we have another vicious cycle. Your conscience forces you to do more bad things to silence it and then punishes you for that with a more intensive force.
That’s why I always tell you: “My dear Narcy guys, try, really try not to do the bad things. Don’t feed your “monster”. You just won’t survive when the “time of truth” comes. And it will come. Invariably. Sooner or later”. But you (aside of the one of you) don’t listen. You don’t “hear” me or anyone else who tells you the same things. The denial is so sweet…
But let’s back on the track. You see the ordinary people and you see how it is easy for them to be happy. Their “pleasure threshold” is so low in comparison to yours. They can extract their happiness from anything literally! And if they are wounded, they don’t have to go to extreme to “fix” their wounds. The mere friendly hug could help them, but not you.
You know how different you are and how it is hard for you to be happy like them. To laugh like them. To relax like them. To be free from that heavy burden you have to carry on your plates…
You envy them for that. You feel inferior and you hate them for that. Their mere happy existence insults you deeply. You want to punish them for that. You want to show to all of them what that means to be you. To live like you do. To fight with yourselves like you do. To foresee the slightest possibility to be wounded and to do everything to prevent it. To be guarded constantly. To survive.
Those visceral Envy and Hate make you look and act like a pure Evil. You know deeply inside that you aren’t evil persons at all. You just want to live peacefully, like anyone else. But, in many cases, you can’t control your Envy and Hate. You can’t address those destructive forces to something benign and constructive. You hate yourselves for that and you direct those destructive forces against you. When you reach the “no return point”, you stop to value even your own life. Nothing matters anymore. You give up.
4. Lack of Empathy.
Having the Emotional pain, the absolute internal Loneliness (personal isolation) and the low “pleasure threshold”, you all try to survive in this world. And the lack of Empathy makes your life journey absolutely antisocial.
You can “read” people intellectually, but you can’t “feel” them. You don’t feel their boundaries, so you don’t know where to stop at. Moreover, those people are so nauseatingly happy, so it makes you feel inferior, envious and angry. And that means that you always (intentionally or not) have to hurt people around you.
Of course, if you can’t feel someone’s pain, you can’t feel it. Dot.
But.
You can feel your own Emotional pain. You, my dear Narcy guys, know about the pain more, than anyone else. To avoid or to stop hurting people, just project your own words and actions on yourselves… How the cheating on you feels? How the verbal or physical humiliation feels? How the rejection feels? How? You know how.
You don’t need the empathy to navigate in this world successfully. You have the Self-Projection instead. It works pretty effectively, when you want to get a control upon your destructive urges and don’t want to find yourselves in the mental hospitals and prisons…
P.S. I don’t know how to finish this letter properly. Honestly.
So, my dear Narcy guys, I just want to express my sincere respect for your really heroic attempts to live a decent and pro-social life despite of your highly conflicted Nature. And I want you to know, that if you really want to heal yourselves and have a good life, everything is possible. Good luck.
Noname
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But What If He Is There Too? Part One

BUT WHATIF HE ISTHERE TOO_

You have been invited to a social event. Perhaps it is a birthday party, a wedding anniversary dinner, a BBQ or drinks at a friends. You are no longer in a Formal Relationship with the narcissist, but you know that he is likely going to be there. It might be that a mutual friend feels it is only fair to invite you both, it might be that you both said yes before the Formal Relationship ended. It may be the case that you have received confirmation that the narcissist is going to attend. What do you do?

For most, this situation creates anxiety, dread and an immediate desire to not attend. However, you may not want to (or even feel you can) let down the host. It may also be the case that you are determined not to let the narcissist ‘get one over you’ by you crying off, no matter how upset and perplexed you remain, how hurt or angry you are. You have drawn a line in the sand and decided you will now make the decisions as to what you do or do not do and you will not take the narcissist into account any longer.

Whether determined or dread-filled, there will be anxiety and apprehension as to what is going to happen when you are in close proximity again, perhaps for the first time since the Formal Relationship. What can you expect to happen and what can you do? There are numerous scenarios to consider.

The Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria

You should note that seeing you again post dis-engagement or post escape amounts to a hoover opportunity and therefore whether the hoover will be executed against you depends on the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria. It is therefore worth a brief moment examining this as this will be applicable to the various scenarios which I will determine below.

Note whether you were the Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”), Shelf Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“IPSS”) or The Dirty Little Secret (“DLS”) the fact that you are attending the event amounts to a Hoover Trigger ( seeThe Spheres of Influence ) . Accordingly, the Hoover Trigger is activated. Consideration must then be given to the HEC and whether the hoover bar will be lowered or raised.

  1. The fact that we are in close proximity to you, either sat at the same table, in the same room or at the same event means that there is very easy access to you, this means that the Hoover Bar will be lowered considerably;
  2. What happened the last time we interacted? If you have no fuel or very little (and this has happened when we have sought to hoover you on previous occasion post cessation) then this will raise the hoover bar. If you gave fuel on previous occasions post cessation or we recall you gave a lot of fuel during the Formal Relationship then the hoover bar will be lowered;
  3. What type of narcissist are we? The Greater means the bar is lowered, Mid-Range or Lesser and the Hoover Bar is raised slightly;
  4. Are there any obstacles? Are you there with a new intimate partner? If so, this raises the bar (note this has no effect with a Greater);
  5. Did you wound us the last time we engaged with you, for instance have you been ignoring us when we have hovered previously, did you escape from us, did you say or do something to wound us such as exposure? If there has been wounding, this will raise the hoover bar and make us wary. The greater the wounding, the higher the bar will go.
  6. Will we have Lieutenants at this event? If so, this will lower the Hoover Bar as proxy hoovers are highly likely to test the ‘water’.

Thus these factors have to be taken all together to ascertain whether a hoover is likely or not. The more factors which lower the Hoover Bar the greater the likelihood of you being hovered and vice versa.

Post Dis-Engagement

The Former Intimate Partner Primary Source

If you were the Former Intimate Partner Primary Source  and the HEC are met then you will be hoovered. If we attend with a new IPPS (which is highly likely if you have been dis-engaged from) then you can expect us to parade this new person, make a great show of introducing them to other people whilst casting glances in your direction to check that you are seeing this show. We will talk loudly, laugh more than other people, be enthusiastic and ensure that you know we are there to heighten your discomfort.

Eventually we will approach you and introduce the new IPPS to you. You will be referred to as ‘someone that we used to know’ unless the IPPS knows you are a former IPPS. You can expect snide remarks, back-handed compliments and the like as we will not lash out (the façade is present of course) but we want to draw a reaction from you in order to gain fuel. We will appear pleasant but this is just to mask making you feel uncomfortable and anxious. Expect plenty of one-upmanship:-

“This is Former IPPS, she is in sales, this is New IPPS she manages a sales force of thirty people for Blue Chip Inc.”

“Oh hello, I am surprised to see you, I thought you were unwell, at least that is what I had been told. This is New IPPS, we have just come back from a weekend at the Hamptons.”

If we turn up without the IPPS (which could happen) then we will act in a similar way in showing off, showing you that we are contented, happy, living life to the full. Our new IPPS will be mentioned in glowing terms so you are within earshot. We will make our way around to you eventually and hoover you by speaking to you and appearing polite if other people are there, but largely dismissive of you. If there is nobody else listening and it is just us and you, then we will issue subtle malign hoovers in the hope of driving you to the toilets crying, reminding you of why we kicked you to one side. The higher the narcissist, the nastier these comments will be as your vulnerabilities and hurt are shoved in your face:-

“I see you are not with anyone. Hardly a surprise, you were lucky to have had me, but then you fucked that up with your hysterics.”

“I didn’t think Stacey would have invited you after the way you have been carrying on.”

“You look like you have gained ten pounds since I last saw you. All that comfort eating I guess.”

“Why haven’t you made an effort? This must be the tenth time I have seen you in this dress. Do you like my new shirt?”

“You are actually lucky new IPPS isn’t here, you’d have felt stupid next to her. Thank God I got rid of you.”

“I have had a bet with my Lieutenants that you will be drunk and blowing some waiter in the car park by midnight. I have fifty pounds riding on you, so don’t let me down. For once.”

The aim will be to draw fuel and of course any malign comments will be denied and you will be made to appear as a liar and/or hysterical.

The Shelf Intimate Partner Secondary Source

If you are currently on the shelf and we are there with the new IPPS, we will hoover you and it will be done in a benign way. We want to keep you available for taking off the shelf again at some future point and see no need to be malign. If you react unpleasantly to seeing us with someone else we will make great play of highlighting your jealousy and our entitlement

“We had a few dates but she became obsessed and wouldn’t let me alone. She seemed to think we were an item and I could not see someone else. I made it clear that was not the case but she is obviously crazy and has the wrong idea.”

You can expect you will be devalued in the exchange and then we will move away from you with the IPPS and you will then be dis-engaged with. You have just lost your shelf status.

If our IPPS is not with us, we will ensure that we keep you onside, we will downplay any suggestion from you (or more likely a third party) that we are with someone in order to ensure we can pick you up in the future if we so choose. However, as above, if you react badly to any suspicion we have an IPPS then we will devalue you and you will be dis-engaged from. You can expect that we will spend the evening occupied with giving you malign hoovers in order to draw fuel from you in the absence of the IPPS.

If the IPPS is not with us and you are pleasant throughout, we will hoover you in a benign way. We will not look to engage in any intimacy with you (since we have the new IPPS) but it makes sense for us to continue to keep you onside and draw positive fuel from you during the evening.

If you are not on the shelf and instead you were a Former Shelf IPSS who we dis-engaged from, then we are unlikely to engage direct with you because there will be a concern that you will cause trouble with our new IPPS. Accordingly, we will make great show of our new IPPS and ensure you notice (see above) so we gain some fuel but we will not introduce you to this new person (as part of continuing the Dis-Engagement Devaluation). We want to upset you and draw fuel from you, from a distance. If you decide to engage with us we will be polite and move away with the new IPPS. If you are awkward or unpleasant, expect a malign response from us, the utilisation of Lieutenants against you and smearing.

If you are not on the shelf and are a Former Shelf IPSS who we dis-engaged from and we have not attended with a new IPPS, then we will speak to you and be polite in order to gain positive fuel from you. Our hoovering will be benign for the purposes of gaining fuel but we will not attempt any intimacy (because we have the new IPPS). If you start to become troublesome, we will turn malign, smear and mobilise Lieutenants against you.

Dirty Little Secret

If you are a former dirty little secret that we have dis-engaged from then different considerations apply.

If we get wind before the event that you are attending it is extremely likely that we will hoover you BEFORE the event in order to warn you against attending. We may begin doing so on the basis of not wanting to hurt your feelings because we will be attending with the IPPS and therefore hope to dissuade you from attending. It has nothing to do with your feelings but instead we do not want you there because we are concerned you will cause a problem with the new IPPS as we will have been engaging with you when they were a Candidate IPSS and we do not want to risk them learning that this was the case. If the ‘pleasant’ approach does not dissuade you, we will issue you with threats and tell you that the host does not want you there and only invited you out of a sense of obligation (we may try to persuade the host not to invite you or tell you not to come).

If you still attend and we are there with the new IPPS we will stay out of your way. We will parade the IPPS around but not as blatantly as described above and we will be keeping an eye on your reactions ensuring that you do not cause us a problem with the new IPPS. You can expect baleful glares from afar and warning expressions. If possible, we may take you to one side and warn you to keep away or else.

If you try to engage with us and the new IPPS and do so politely without causing a problem, we will reciprocate. If you start to cause problems, we will either lash out in a malign manner (within the parameters of the façade of course) or we will withdraw telling the IPPS we are unwell or you are a stalker and it is better to leave. You will then receive malign hoovers thereafter for your audacity.

If we attend without the IPPS then we will not dissuade you beforehand. We will be unlikely to hoover because we see nothing to be gained from doing so (and we do not want anybody telling our IPPS that we were seen engaging with you). If you approach us, we will engage with you in a benign manner and it is likely that you will behave in such a way also because there is no IPPS. However, if you remain bristling because you were dis-engaged from and you start to question us or cause difficulties, we may well move you to one side to keep you under control and preserve the façade. If this is not working we will issue you with threats, smear you and use Lieutenants to draw negative fuel from you and nullify your attempts to smear and expose us.

Part Two will examine the above scenarios when you have escaped us.

Part Three will explain what you can do to protect yourself in these scenarios.

 

 

 

The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 4

golden 4

You are never immune to our kind. You will ALWAYS be susceptible to us because of your innate addiction to our kind. You cannot remove it and thus you will not achieve immunity. You must therefore always be resisting.

You can don the armour to protect yourself as fashioned through my works, but that armour does not give you permanent invulnerability. All armour must be updated, maintained and checked otherwise the shield splits, the chainmail links weaken and the breastplate shatters more readily.

If you think that you are immune to us, you are succumbing to emotional thinking. It wants you to think that you are immune because if that is what you think, then guess what you will do? You will either want to test your immunity or you will believe that you can engage with us in some way and therefore you are doing precisely what your emotional thinking wants you to do. It wants you to engage with us and it will find whatever way it can to make you do that.

You are not immune. You may very well be able to take a telephone call from us and not react to what we say you may even feel nothing for us – no pity, no love or no hate. That time. You may be able to take that second telephone call from us and feel the same way, but because you are not immune, the more you engage with us – whether this is thinking about us, talking about us, spending time with us – you will eventually fall prey to your emotional thinking to a greater extent.

The very fact you are engaging with us when you think that you are immune, means that your  emotional thinking is working, because of course logic would tell you that you have no need to engage with us. Why then are you doing it? Because I want to show myself I will not react, I will not get drawn back in. That is emotional thinking. You are engaging with us and several things arise from this which are problematic. They may not appear problematic to you, because during that telephone call you feel in control, you did not get upset, you do not feel anxious any more, you do not feel anything for us, but you are creating problems.

  1. You will be providing us with fuel. It may be minimal but it will be there because you will not be able to maintain a neutral and flat tone throughout a conversation. Yes, you may be able to achieve this for a very short time and yes, you may not be giving much fuel, but it is there all the same. Thus, we are getting something we want.
  2. You are not rejecting us. By speaking to us you have signalled that you will answer the phone and engage. You may not be enthusiastic but you answered nevertheless. This provides us with encouragement.
  3. You are feeding your addiction and therefore your emotional thinking will want more and in its insidious way it will con you by telling you that you handled the call without any difficulty (it feels like this of course but it is not the case) and thus it will encourage you to do so again or encourage you to attend that social event where you know we will be there because you remain confident of being able to handle the situation. All you are doing is allowing the addiction to be fed and for the emotional thinking to surge until it overwhelms you (and it will) at a future point.
  4. You may well be feeding us useful information in the course of the conversation which we can use to our advantage.

Accordingly, by thinking you are immune and therefore thinking you can engage safely with us, you are creating risks and problems.

You have no need to engage with us.

You have no need to test your immunity because you are not immune. Understand this.

Instead, you can build your resistance. You are resistant but not immune. Some of you have a very low resistance, others far higher, but whichever it is, this resistance, just like the functioning of your own resistance to disease, can erode and weaken. The easiest way for this to happen is by repeatedly exposing yourself to engaging with us. The more you do so, you do not build your resistance but you weaken it. Of course, as I have explained above, you think you are becoming more resistant because you have an encounter with us and you walk away head held high thinking you handled it well. Superficially, yes, but beneath the surface, the problems I have detailed above are forming, waiting and growing ready to ensnare you.

By obeying this golden rule, you will avoid the complacency and risk which comes with thinking you are immune. Instead you will recognise you have resistance, you will understand that his resistance can be made stronger and can also be made weaker, so that with that logic defence established in your mind, you will work harder to avoid complacency and the problems that come with that.

Some of your resistance will be innate, but the majority of resistance is that which is learned and applied. You increase your resistance through reading and understanding, through the imposition of a solid no contact regime, by applying a rigorous purging of the emotional infection so it is driven to the lowest level and by the building of Logic Defences. Combining all of those elements will heighten your resistance, minimise weakening it, reduce the risk of using your resistance unnecessarily (which is of course a consequence of the impact of emotional thinking) and means that when a hoover happens to get through unexpectedly, that when you have those ‘bad days’ when you pine for us, your resistance will not be found wanting and you will repel the hoover, you will reject the emotional thinking which is straining to make you contact us and you will ensure that your resistance remains intact. Do not voluntarily test it, that is giving in to emotional thinking and taking an unnecessary risk – save its strength for when it is really needed because those moments will indeed come.

By applying the cornerstone elements from the paragraph above, their maintenance becomes easier, more natural and more instinctive and thus less arduous for you. You do not need to maintain a state of heightened vigilance, for that becomes draining, you will create a more-readily maintained defensive regime. Doing so little and often becomes far easier than a sudden overhaul when it is too late, which is invariably when complacency has already become the traitor who is unlocking the castle gates.

You are not immune.

You are always resisting.

Remember this and that resistance will achieve freedom and maintain it.

Trying Behaviour

 

TRYINGBEHAVIOUR

You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

The Narcissist’s 7 False Contritions

THE NARCISSIST'S7FALSE CONTRITIONS-2

1. I am sorry I went away.

You probably said something that I did not like, you may not have said anything at all, but you did something which criticised me and I wanted to punish you so I disappeared. I am not going to tell you what I was doing whilst I was gone but I only thought about you when I looked at your pleading texts and missed calls. The rest of the time I spent it with your predecessor who I wanted to be with because, well, she hadn’t criticised me. Of course, she spoilt it and that is why I have come back to you pretending to be sorry. I need your fuel again, so here I am with my false remorse.

2. I am sorry I didn’t listen.

I didn’t listen to you because you have nothing of importance to say. Ever. That is compared to me. You should listen to me more because I do not like it when you do not. In fact I hate it. I rarely hear the words you say anyway, you are actually wasting your breath. I am far too focussed on the emotion that is spewing from you, your hurt, your frustration, your anger and your hatred. That is what I want to listen to. That gives me the fuel that I crave. I will pretend I will listen to you in the future so you provide me with some positive fuel for a while and then I will become deaf to what you have to say once again.

3. I am sorry that I hit you.

You made me do it because you will not do what I want and you will not give me what I need. I am torn between needing you and being disgusted by the fact that I am bound to someone as pathetic as you, when I am so brilliant. I am concerned that what I did may be detected by others and consequently the façade that I have created and maintained to everyone outside these four walls will be damaged. I am concerned I may have to spend some of my precious time charming law enforcement if you are treacherous enough to report me.

4. I am sorry I was unfaithful.

If you paid me more attention I would not have to do it, or at least, perhaps not as often. It was your fault that I went elsewhere because you do not admire me like you used to do. You should do so. Everyone admires me and you should be no different. I am irritated that I got caught because I thought I had covered my tracks and been cleverer than you. I am annoyed because you have scared off the other woman with your histrionics and now I am going to have to use my time and energy to find someone else now. I had a great little set-up there and you have ruined it with your interference. Just as you always spoil everything.

5. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.

I really cannot be bothered having to support you when you are unwell. I find it a waste of my time because everything should be about me, not you. I do not like to be reminded of weakness. I see too much of myself when I do. I need my energies and time to carry out my machinations and gather fuel, not to play nurse maid to you. I do not care that you have looked after me, that is your role. I am too great to tend to you, it is beneath me. I am concerned that my lack of caring and attentiveness has proven the last straw however and my false contrition is purely designed to stop you leaving me.

6. I am sorry I am not a better person.

I am better, way better than you and everyone else, but I know you are fixated with the idea of making me better, changing me and healing me, so I say this to make you feel sorry for me and to hint at the fact that I want to change and become someone better. I am never going to change but I do love to keep you hanging on thinking that I will as this stops you leaving me and deserting me when I need my fuel. I will keep mentioning this so you stick around until such time as I have lined up someone else and I have drained you, then you disappear for all I care. In the meanwhile I will continue to insinuate that I am capable of change and improvement so that you do not go anywhere else. I need my fuel after all.

7. I am sorry for myself.

At least this one is true. I feel very sorry for myself and with good reason. I am just trying to get through life and deal with the jealous people, the envious people and the horrible people who are trying to hurt me. I know there are hundreds of them and I have done nothing to them, yet they insist on trying to hurt me. It is a terrible burden to carry, knowing that there are so many people out there against you, especially when you are as a wonderful and as brilliant as I am. I need your pity, your sympathy and your empathy. Give it to me. It is all fuel. I do not deserve to be treated like this do I? I am human too you know.

Why Do Narcissists Operate From The Same Book?

WHY DONARCISSISTSOPERATEFROM THESAMEBOOK_

It is an often repeated question that I am asked – why do narcissists operate from the same book or why do narcissists all behave in the same way? Is there some School of Narcissism, a University of Manipulation or a College of Coercion? The fact that much of what I write about with regard to my own behaviours and those of my kind resonates with so many, many people naturally causes this question to be asked. How is it that narcissists know how to behave in such similar ways? What is behind narcissists using such familiar and well-experienced manipulations? How do we learn to do this? Indeed, such is the similarity of experience that I am regularly asked by people whether I am their narcissist (I am not) and some even go so far as to write to me on a daily basis questioning my behaviour, pleading and chastising as they truly think I am the narcissist who is tormenting them (again I am not) but this is borne (in part) out of the recognition of similarity with regard to the operation of narcissists.

Do we all use the same book and if we do, how does this come about?

The first observation to make is that whilst there are similarities in the way that we operate there are also considerable differences. Of course, many of those who are ensnared by us find themselves ensnared by similar types (as in school and cadre) of narcissist, therefore the behaviours will indeed appear similar to the victim. However, Lesser Narcissists have a smaller range of manipulations, are rudimentary in their activity, have smaller fuel matrices leading to more interruption to their fuel supply which in turn causes more volatile and haphazard behaviours and have a low threshold on their ignited fury which will invariably appear as heated fury. These are considerable differences from the Mid Range Narcissist and both Lesser and Mid Range are different again from the Greater School.

Now, a Lesser Narcissist may use a silent treatment (the hallmark of the Mid Range Narcissist) but it is rarer, there are cross overs between the schools in terms of certain behaviours. For instance, all schools may use physical violence, however Lesser Narcissists do so more often and more brutally and without regard for consequence, Mid Rangers do so far less often, tend to use pushing, holding, spitting and slapping rather than punching, kicking, biting or head butting and Greaters, where physical violence is used (which is rare) may do so through a proxy or will do so in a manner less likely to be detected. Thus there is a similarity with regard to the use of physical violence but considerable differences in its frequency and application. Similar behaviours but with variations.

How about achieving coercion and control? The Lesser is a blunt instrument relying on blind fear through physical aggression (to person and property). The Mid Ranger will rely on being kind and good-natured moving to pity and emotional blackmail before involving threat, albeit it remains that. The Greater uses charm and reward before the use of threat which will be implemented if required. Thus all three schools engage in coercing and controlling victims but do so in differing ways.

What then of fuel matrices? The three articles I have previously written about those matrices show a commonality – we all need fuel – but significant differences in the composition and extent of those fuel matrices. The Lesser has a small fuel matrix with heavy reliance on the Intimate Partner Primary Source and is more likely to make use of a Non Intimate Partner Primary Source should the need arise. The Mid Ranger has a wider fuel matrix, but relies significantly on the IPPS also and less on a Non Intimate Partner Primary Source. The Greater has the widest and most varied fuel matrix and whilst there remains a reliance on the IPPS, it is not as great as the other two schools and indeed the Greater School can endure for far longer without a primary source at all compared to the other schools.

All three schools exhibit ignited fury when wounded (see the book Fury for more details in that regard) however the Lesser has a hair trigger in that regard and relies mostly, often exclusively on heated fury. The Mid-Ranger has more control than the Lesser but it is not substantially improved and their fury manifests more through cold fury. The Greater has a significant control over his or her ignited fury and will use both heated and cold fury should control not remain in place.

Not all narcissists are grandiose. Some are aggressive, others are passive aggressive. Some are haughty, others almost needy. Some focus on the physical, others on the cerebral. Some are successful and others are not.

Accordingly, it can be seen that there are similar strands with regard to narcissists, in terms of constitution, outlook and behaviour but with notable and significant differences between the schools. Therefore it is not accurate to state that all narcissists operate from the same playbook, but that it appears there are similarities. Again, as mentioned earlier, this appearance of it being the same may also be the experience of the victim because he or she has been ensnared by narcissists of the same school and cadre.

Yet, what if the differences I have explained above (and there are plenty more) are regarded as mere subtleties by victims and instead you point to the fact that we seduce victims, we love bomb, we devalue, we disengage, we suffer wounding, we hoover and we smear. Are those all not the operations of narcissists, are they not all the same? Do we not all regard people as objects as appliances? Do we not all lack emotional empathy? Do we not all experience envy, jealousy and hatred? Do we not all utilise black and white thinking? Do we not all have an overwhelming need for control of our environments? Again, these would be seen as significant ‘sames’ with regard to our kind and support the suggestion that we all operate in accordance with one, mystical, all-encompassing manual of narcissism.

It is clear from the many comments that I have read on my blog and social media platforms, from the e-mails I have received and the content of consultations that people have very similar experiences with regard to being a victim of our kind, whether it is romantic, familial, social or work entanglement. Thus it very much appears that we do indeed all operate from the same book and this raises the next question, how can that be? How is it that narcissists ‘know’ to operate this way, to have the same perspectives, to react in the same way and to deal with their victims in such similar ways?

That is a simple question to answer.

It is not the case that because one is a narcissist that one knows to operate in the same way as every other narcissist. No.

It is because we act in such similar ways that we are narcissists. If you do not act in this way, you are not one of us, if you do, you are and you belong to our club.

Manipulate, lack emotional empathy, regard people as appliances who belong to us forever, control people, need fuel, lack remorse, have no or poor boundary recognition, exhibit magical thinking, a sense of entitlement, have no concept of accountability, ensure it is never our fault, see only in black and white and so forth and you are a narcissist. Not the other way around.

It is the similarity in behaviour that makes us narcissists, not that we are narcissists so we behave similarly.

Narc Tales by H G Tudor

Narc Tales

The Three Little Pigs? They’re bacon now.

Rapunzel? Had a nightmare and all her hair fell out.

Sleeping Beauty? Overslept and missed her appointment with her plastic surgeon.

 

You may be familiar with fairy tales but prepare yourself for Narc Tales, a collection of dark, entertaining but most of all instructive and educational tales written by the creative and insightful HG Tudor.

What better way to equip yourself with unique information about narcissists, empaths and the dynamic between them than to do so through the medium of story telling. Yet, these are no ordinary tales, no fluffy yarns with a happy ever after. No, these are Narc Tales and you will find fantastic knowledge wrapped up in amusement, intrigue, beguilement and shock. Where Prince Ultra Charming roams, The Very Wicked MatriNarc schemes and The Super Empath Strikes Back – a delicious read from the most delicious of dark minds.

Available on Amazon

31st October 2018

A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 81

A LETTERTO THENARCISSISTSJS'S LETTER

Dear Esteemed Swine and Purveyor of Poison:

I know what you are, you worthless bag of filth.  I’m not nearly as stupid as you think I am.   I know you believe you are omniscient, the all-knowing, all-seeing God-Man, A Prince among Princes, King of Time, Space, and Cock of the Walk at hick town country clubs.  You lured me in…yep, I fell for your textbook line of Narcissistic spew.  I fluttered my lids at your compliments and marvelled at all those wonderful things we seemed to share. (“Wow, we have so much in common!”)   I was hypnotized by your claptrap and piffle, even while red flags danced and bells went off in the back of my brain.  The angel on my right shoulder whispered that you were lying and were not what you appeared to be, but Lucifer, firmly lodged on my left shoulder, recognized you as his brother and convinced me you were “the real thing.”  I wince when I think I handed over to you my innate dignity, my self-worth, and my self-respect and let you string me along like a dog-eared puppet.  How dumb could I be?  I served you my pride like a platter of scrambled eggs.  I cringe at my weakness.

You spineless worm.  You vulgar maggot. You’re a jerk, a cad, and a weasel.  You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

I felt I hit rock bottom when you started the devaluation and depreciation of me, as if I was an old Buick ready to be put up on blocks.  I remember the last day you were in my house…I was wary.  See, even in my ignorant and confused state, I knew, I KNEW something was not quite right and it was pissing me off!  I was guarded and slightly aloof.   While not using outright insults, you fired a few little shots toward my bow that went straight to the heart.  And I let you…I let you talk to me like that IN MY OWN HOME!   IN MY HOME!!  How could I let you do that?  How could I do that to myself? I openly invited you to humiliate me.  But I did not give you one reaction at the time.  I waited until you finally left before I cried.

You puke-drooling beast.  You canker on a sow’s ass.

 I may have cried, but died?  Nope. Uh Uh. I’m still here, you jargon spouting lout, because I decided to relinquish the role of being your victim in order to become a survivor.  You two-bit monster, you ogre, you fungus.  Even before I knew what kind of creature you were, my survival instincts kicked in and I blocked you on my phone. I quit looking at your social media. I avoided you like the plague-infested rat you are.  Have you tried to contact me? I don’t know and I don’t want to know. Not knowing gives me strength, for some perverse reason.  I’ll admit I had a relapse when I saw your vehicle in a place I didn’t expect it to be. (Even though this is my hometown, I have been avoiding every familiar and convenient place that I had been going to for decades just so I would not see you!)  But I fought back. I slogged my way out.   I don’t want to ever see you again.  I don’t want to be within 100,000,000 miles of you.  I don’t want to run into you or see you in a social setting. I don’t want to pass you on the road.  I don’t want to breath the same air molecules as you do.  Your cooties are too toxic.

You are a waste of flesh, ridiculous and obnoxious, the moral equivalent of a leech.  You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void, a disease.

Yet, I do need to thank you for a few things.  Besides discovering what Narcissism is, I made an effort to remain busy and, therefore, keep my mind occupied, I embarked on an intense and advanced Pilates program and a walking regime of 6 miles a day. As a result, I lost 10 pounds, my abs are tight as a drum, and my ass is as rock hard as 18 year old’s.  You will never get your paws on it, though.  I’m saving that for a real man that deserves it. I realize I’m just an appliance, though.  But I am State of the Art compared to you.  I could be the Grand Prize on Let’s Make a Deal.  You are ready for the landfill or a garbage scow. 

 You are deficient in all that lends character.  You are dank and filthy.  You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go, you grimy, squalid troll.

Speaking of looks, let’s turn a critical, unbiased glance at your appearance.  Adonis you may consider yourself to be, but I don’t think Tom Selleck has anything to worry about as far as competition from you is concerned.  In fact, when I first met you, I recall thinking, “Why do all guys in this profession look alike?”  I like to remind myself of how I was NOT bowled over the first day we met.   Seriously, dude, you do know you are bald, don’t you?  I mean, I know it is the badass thing now to shave your head like The Rock, but that doesn’t alter the fact that you have lost your hair and are officially categorized as BALD.  Suck on that, Baldy.  Also, your jawline hints of an incipient slackness that awaits you in the near future.  And that body that you preen so fondly is kind of beefy…you know, the type that will chub out in just a few years.  Your legs are stubby. 

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You have all the appeal of a leper.  You are vile, worthless, and a ratchet-jawed piddler of no merit.

I’m just pissed off that I didn’t call you out on your grandiose delusions and falsehoods.  I could have pretty easily, you know.  See, dumbass, those ensnared in your insidious trap are capable of using Facebook, also.  Those daughters of yours? In spite of your fables as Father of the Year, clearly they publicly hold you in contempt for what you did to their mother.  Politics and social sciences?  You know nothing, but pretend you are Edward R. Murrow.  One difference, though:  I’m sure Mr. Murrow was literate.  You are a prime example of what Facebook’s function is:  to be what you want people to THINK you are.  The Narcissist’s Paradise.   Oh, yeah, and ex-wife number two?  You know, the one you said was a model?  Well, if she is a model, then I am Gisele Bundchen’s better looking twin.   And that girlfriend of yours…you know, the one you never mentioned?  One would never mistake her for a model, but I refuse to be unkind, because I know the hell she is going through right now, even though your declarations of love for her on Facebook were consistently stomach turning.  You and I both know what you really are, but I’m sure her money, old family name, and multitude of business contacts keeps the fuel a’pumpin’ from her.  Of course, the times I have run into her in person, she has that harried, anxious, and agitated look on her face.  The look that screams, “I LIVE WITH A CONTROL FREAK!”  Well, I hope she’s happy with you being her knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.  Better her than me.  I hope you didn’t “borrow” too much of her inheritance.  There is a word for men who sponge off women, but I am too much of a lady to repeat it.

You smarmy woofter glob.  You asinine gob-kissing, one-handed, slack-jawed, slavering meatslapper.

Speaking of that, you couldn’t kiss your way out of a paper bag.  I was at least expecting you to be good in that particular field of endeavor, but you are a mediocre kisser, at best.  I kept thinking, “C’mon, give me something to work with here!” as I really gave it my all. (I’ve never had any complaints in that dept.) Your fumbling, slimy slobbering made me slightly queasy. I’m glad I told you to back off before I let you cop a good feel.   Thank goodness our “relationship” never got to the point of doing the Wild Thang in the kip.   Your kiss told me all I needed to know about how you might have performed.  And I am not that skilled of an actress to have pretended to be in ecstasy.  Hell, Meryl Streep couldn’t have pulled it off.

May you choke on the bilious, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.  You are weary, stale, flat, nasty, and profane.  Monkeys look down on you.

This letter crystallizes everything I want to say to you.  But will you ever know my real feelings?  NEVER!  Thank the Lord my own natural sangfroid prevented me from falling all over you, averted me from blowing up your phone, and stopped me from confessing any kind of endearment that would have me turning purple with shame now that you are out of my life.   This letter is for me.  Whenever you slither across my mind like a snake, I will read this letter and remind myself what a pisshead you are.  If anything happens to trigger a memory of your useless self, I will pull out this letter and recall your malevolent personality and malignant charm.  If I ever see your stupid ass EVER again, I will once again peruse this letter and feel relief that I escaped such a foot-licking mass of walking vomit. You will never know what I went through or how I feel about you now.  I will ignore you like as I would a ditch carp and will flick you away like a loathsome gnat buzzing around my face.  Whatever it takes to rid my soul of you, I will do it.  My anger toward you is nothing like the anger I feel at myself.  After all, you are what you are: a half-witted nincompoop, a brazen gimcrack, a bellyaching gasbag full of hokum and moonshine.  However, I am an intelligent woman with loads of delicious fuel for some lucky hunk of man to drown in.  But not you.  This well is dry for you, Snotrag.   This fuel station is closed and has relocated to WokeTown.

Bugger off, you churlish, clack dish clod.  You are the source of all unpleasantness.  You remind me of a cockroach.  You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.  You snail-skulled little rabbit.  I hope a hawk picks you up and drives its sharp beak into your feeble brain. 

You are less than nothing. Go back to the hell that spawned you.

Me?  I will never give up.

 

 

Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t

DAMNED IF YOU DODAMNED IF YOU DON'T

Society and people need rules. The requirement for regulation looms large in everyone’s life. Pay your taxes, don’t park in that place, don’t drop litter, say please and thank you and so on. From laws to rules to codes of conduct, through to convention to procedures to etiquette we are bound up in rules wherever we go and whatever we do. People grumble and complain about them but ultimately they prefer the world to have these rules. People like to know where they stand. You know what you can and cannot do. You may not agree with it, but you at least have some certainty. Those that found themselves in the horror of concentration camps complained that there was never any certainty to the day. You could be subjected to punishment for walking too slowly one day and too fast the next. It was random and awful, yet such a system is horrendously effective at undermining someone’s will and paradoxically causing them to try harder in order to avoid a sanction.
Our behaviour is much the same. There is no rhyme or logic to it. Last week I said I liked sugar in my tea and this week I do not. I deny that I said I liked sugar in my tea and moreover this triviality causes me to erupt in rage when you put sugar in my drink this week. You are confused and anxious by this random control that I exert over you. It is all intentional. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we cannot recall what we said or did the previous day, that we are somehow blind to our previous likes and dislikes as if affected by some form of amnesia. This disorientating tactic is deliberate. You may as well ascribe outcomes to the numbers two through to twelve and roll two dice. That gives you just as good a chance of determining how I will behave. One week I sleep with the bedroom window open, the next it must be closed. Yesterday I want silence in the kitchen in the morning, today I want the radio on. Each day you are put on parade and then awaiting the inevitable criticism as I will find some fault in order to control you, demean you and provoke a reaction. I am like an insane regimental sergeant major who deems the buttons on your uniform to not shine enough despite the hours you spent polishing each one. Like his parade ground bark, I will unleash my haphazard criticism of you with a barrage of abuse, raising my voice and making you wince with each syllable. We understand the effect of repeatedly being shouted at and it causes you to submit to our demands Invariably I will see what you are doing and pick the opposite as being what I want. I am a natural contrarian. All of this is done to maintain your heightened sense of anxiety, forcing you to second guess and thus become conditioned to our will. Periodically we will approve of what you have done and your sense of relief is so overwhelming you receive a natural high. This in turn causes you to want to repeat it and therefore each and every day you are walking on those eggshells as you try to please us and avoid our erratic and groundless rage. There is no system you can depend on, no method of working out what is safe to do and what should be avoided, yet still you will try. As ever, you want to make matters right and keep the peace.