Tell Me That It Is True
I told you I loved you. That was not a lie. I meant it when I said it. I meant it every time that I said it, wrote it, messaged it, voice mailed it, gifted it and e-mailed it. I knew how to portray it. That wasn’t hard. There is so much material available for me to know what to say, how to say it, what to do and how to do it. I have seen it when it has been directed at me time and time again. All I had to do was mirror it. I have had enough people fall under my spell and love me so that I recognise love when I see it. It became simple enough to replicate it. My intentions really were noble. I wanted to love you and I gave you the love that I knew that you wanted. I did enough to fathom out how you wanted to be loved. Goodness knows I put in the spadework. I observed you and saw who you interacted with. I followed you to the places you frequented and noted what you ordered most often to eat and to drink. I sat behind you on the bus one time and saw the book that you read. I recognised the author so I went and bought three other of her titles and displayed them at home in readiness to show you and to let you borrow those which you had not read yet. I dispatched a Lieutenant to chat you up and gather more information for me to collate and consider. I trawled the internet looking for your footprints. I sat up late as my phone buzzed and pinged with the messages from other prospects that I was cultivating but I made them wait as I searched for you. I found you and using a reliable false profile in the name of a friend of the opposite sex to me I managed to secure your online friendship. I did not approach you directly, despite the cloak of anonymity. I preferred to walk like a ghost through your cyber world, observing your photographs and establishing the places where they were taken. I noted who your friends were, I highlighted potential competitors and I discerned who your family are. I took in the YouTube postings and when they were timed which told me you enjoyed a few glasses of wine in the evening on your own as you posted musical memories from your teenage years. I walked through your posts and your comments, picking up snippets of information that detailed your devotion to romance, your love of small dogs and your dislike of the cold. Like a silent, vast machine I remained your unseen companion for a month as I sucked up as much information as I could in order to build a picture of you and how you wanted to be loved. Each meme you posted gave me a clue. Every discussion with your friends added further layers as I created the person that would love you. I uploaded to him your interests and made them his. I bolted on the necessary skill sets which would please you. I furnished him with the choice phrases that you wanted to hear. I configured his actions, expressions, behaviours and more that would make him provide you with the love that you wanted to much and once all of this considerable preparatory work was complete I began my seduction.
I loved you. I loved you with passion, desire, attentiveness, excitement, mystery and kindness. All created from the morass of information that I had gathered about you which was layered onto my existing experience from previous relationships and my knowledge of how love operates in the world. I know that it worked. You fell for me hook, line and sinker and you became enveloped in my creation where you flourished, you shone and you bloomed. Your happiness radiated from you like sunbeams, the pleasure you took in us being together was tangible and all of those around us commented as such. It was marvellous, spectacular, wonderful and perfect.
You had no idea that my love was a creation. Why would you when not only did it match your concept of love but driven by my excellence it exceeded it? Why would you challenge something that felt so golden and so glorious? You would not. I gave you this love and you returned it. It was a match made in heaven. It was a transaction that suited us both. You received my scintillating synthetic love and you gave me the love that sustains me, that emotion infused reaction which powers and sustains me. We both were winners.
Was it such a bad thing that what I gave you was a fabrication if it looked like the real thing? I might even go so far as to say that it was even better than the real thing. Am I to be regarded as a bad person for this fraudulent act. Is it not the case that my deceit pleased you? Yes, you did not know about this deceit, you had no awareness of the fabrication but that caused you no harm did it? You saw and you believed and seeing is believing surely?
When I took you in my arms, shielding you from the black day that you had emerged from and you looked into my eyes and saw the love, the devotion and the optimism that burned there, did it really matter that I was mirroring what you showed me so long as it made you happy, elated and feel loved? My optimistic eyes were your optimistic eyes.
When I unleashed my hatred you could not and still do not understand how someone could treat you like that when that person kept saying that he loved you.
It was easy to switch to this vicious malevolence. It was easy to peel back the veneer that was the manufactured love. It was easy to switch off the creation that I made that provided you with this perfect love. A flick of a switch and he ceased to exist, leaving you with something else instead.
I did not lie when I said that I loved you.
I did not lie when I whispered that I loved you.
I did not lie when I shouted that I loved you.
I just did not tell you the truth.
The truth that I never felt love for you.
Because I cannot do that.
56 thoughts on “Tell Me That It Is True”
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I also want to say thank you to all the readers too. It is difficult to classify us as readers though. It feels more significant, almost like we are part of a family. A family we all want to belong to. If I daresay, HG’s family.
Comment out of order. Sigh.
HG
I really think female narcissists’ traits are somewhat different than men’s. Some women might be obvious mean-girls, but probably more women fly under the radar and appear as sweet people, it’s their version of a man’s charm. It’s the socially acceptable and traditional role of a woman. So some are overly nice and sweet, but they have a clique (lieutenants) and they talk behind backs while smiling to their face, all the while having a facade of being the nicest person you ever met. Others are quiet like a stealth bomber, they don’t require a lot of praise, they take care of people, are workaholics, they’re quiet, but they are good at pushing peoples buttons, they have a secret malicious streak, and they’re flirtatious. It’s like Ginger had to dance backwards and in heels, women always have to do things without complaining, and we have to play to normal men’s egos. We’ve learned how to open jars with a spoon when a mans not around, or walk a couch across a room on its end, we’re craftier because we have to be.
Kelly
Interesting point about female Ns flying under the radar. I think there’s a lot to that idea.
Before I knew about Ns, I thought at times that female culture in most countries seems to be naturally passive aggressive, and I supposed that this developed as historically women needed to appear restrained, and submissive; they operated in a context of having limited political influence, and had no direct voice in the public and legal arenas.
The movie Mean Girls was a starting point of enlightenment to my generation. Horizontal violence amongst women was recognised and publicly ridiculed as something that less-evolved females engage in.
The intelligent empath who can negotiate for everyone to benefit (instead of win-lose outcomes) was held up as someone to be valued and emulated.
(I like the image of you walking a couch across the room by yourself. I walked two into my unit and into position last Tuesday).
MB
You articulated that very well. Was your mom a narc? I have people who love me, and many who like me, but also that feeling of if they only knew the real me…
And yet the real me is always kind and loving, compassionate and caring, intelligent, charitable, and, you know, all those attributes a reasonably normal person has and then some because I’m also an empath. So where does this lack of confidence and self love come from? In my case I believe it stems from living the first 17 years of my life with a narc mother and an abusive step father and years of therapy hasn’t expunged them from my head.
wissh, “And yet the real me is always kind and loving, compassionate and caring, intelligent, charitable, and, you know, all those attributes a reasonably normal person has and then some because I’m also an empath. So where does this lack of confidence and self love come from?”
The real me is all of the above too. But there is a kernel of shame, an unworthiness that I don’t want anybody to know about, even myself. When it’s existence bubbles to the surface, it’s very painful for me. I spend a great deal of energy to keep it pushed down. I haven’t stared it down through therapy, nor do I want to. I keep hoping that if I ignore it, it will go away!
wissh, ps my mother is not a narcissist and I was not/am not an abused child/woman.
MB
I’m very glad you didn’t experience a narc mom nor abuse growing up.
Your second paragraph really struck me as I stuff a lot too and reading your words caused a lightbulb moment, perhaps that’s what HG does to keep the creature contained.
It’s been such a learning experience. I’m grateful for this group, for HG, and those who’ve been patiently answering my questions.
Wissh, yes I believe it is similar as the creation of the narcissist and co-d follow a similar path up to a point. I wrote a long post about what I’ve learned regarding toxic shame. It may have been before you joined the blog. Maybe searching toxic shame will bring it up if you are interested. I was having a rough time and quite vulnerable in those posts on that thread. Windstorm was helpful and supportive of me. I’ve successfully stuffed it since then, so I’m good now. 😊
Wissh, I want to add that you should add ‘Chained’ to your reading list of HG Books. Co-dependent didn’t resonate with me so I was totally against reading it. I’m so glad I did because there were some lightbulb moments. I learned that I have many co-d traits and behaviors, but have not been subjected to the environment to bring them out in earnest. (If that makes sense.)
MB
Thanks, I’ll look for it, I’ve only been here a few weeks and know I’m not able to keep up with even the current posts. But I’m trying! 🤣
In some sense, knowing they can’t care, makes it easier for me to let go and not care also. But it also can make me feel bad for them, and make me want to care more.
This is where being empathic really sucks….
I feel horrible for him. I know about parts of his childhood and it makes me very sad. I want to hug the little boy inside of him that was abused. I want to hold him while he cries BUT I can’t. I can’t put myself in the line of fire anymore. I never ever wanted to leave him and it is devastating that I felt I had no choice. I think I will understand more about him when I am able to consult with HG.
Broken rainbow
Yes, I know how you feel. We can’t help but feel, and very deeply. I find it hard to give up on people. I know what it feels like to be gave up on, so therefore that’s probably why. I have to go against my own self when dealing with Narcs, and it feels wrong in every way.
It is literally like ripping your own heart out, but I’ve done it a few times.
You never stop loving them, not ever. You just love them from a distance. Yes it is painful, but then you have to love yourself too and survive. Pain is something I am used to. I don’t think I actually know how to live without it. Even when I have happier times, it turns to pain and tears.
I hope your consult goes well.
I can relate to everyone giving up on you. Oh, I can relate. I am not sure if I will always love him or maybe I can become indifferent to him. I do not love myself. I never have. People say just love yourself but I do not even know where to begin.
BR
I have trouble with that too, love yourself. What does that look like and why do they make it sound like it’s so easy?
Wissh & BR, I’m glad I’m not the only one that doesn’t know how to love myself. I’ve written at length about my feelings of not be worthy of love. Even when people say they love me and say nice things about me, I feel undeserving of it and it doesn’t ring true. Almost like their opinions of me are based on a lie I’ve told, not the real me. If they saw that, they might change their minds.
MB and wissh
I don’t think I deserve love and I definitely do not feel I am worthy of being loved. As far as what it looks like to love yourself, who the hell knows!
Brokenrainbow
Your comment touched a nerve with me. I used to didn’t love myself, either. What helped me more than anything was getting away from home and seeing how other people valued me. What was more likely that I was wrong, or all the people I knew outside my home were wrong?
Religion helped me too. I don’t mean joining a church religion. I mean searching inside myself thru meditation and studying spiritualist texts for how to get closer to nirvana. My mother used to ridicule my search for “inner peace”, but I realized early it was envy and fear on her part. She had no clue what “inner peace” was, but intuitively knew she didn’t have it and had to devalue it as useless so she wouldn’t have to admit I might have something she could never have.
That was my key to learning how to value myself. A combination of logic and spirituality. Logic in that if others valued me, I must be valuable. And the calm and peace I found within myself thru meditation. This let me see myself objectively and realize that my feelings of inferiority were just illusions – not reality.
windstorm
I have decided I am going to try meditation. I have heard positive things about it. I am religious but in a Christian way. I sometimes go to church but my relationship with God is more one on one. I think spirituality is important regardless of whether you believe in God, Mother Earth, A Higher Power etc.
My mother does not have inner peace. I do not want to be like that. Inner peace is very important to me. I have no idea how to forgive my ex but I know forgiveness needs to happen for me to move forward. I am aware I need to forgive myself as well. How the hell do you do that? Same with loving myself. It is all foreign to me.
Brokenrainbow,
There is a great meditation site on youtube. His name is Michael Sealey. I use his tapes
Kim e
Thank you. I will check it out!
Brokenrainbow
Meditation is very important to me. And there are many, many different ways to do it. I’d advise trying many different ways and seeing which ones work for you. Don’t let the type of meditation being from a different religion scare you off. All good ideas are work stealing and adapting for your own use.
I personally don’t fit well with za-zen where you sit in a set position and keep your mind blank. You know, the stereotype of meditation. I do better where I focus on a repetitive task. It could be as simple as focusing on my breaths in and out, but I prefer chanting mantras like the rosary, tasbeh or mala. Remember you can make anything you like as your mantra, no matter what type of beads you use. If I’m in a bad way, I may just say over and over, “Lord be with me.”
Sometimes I meditate by focusing on crocheting or folding origami. I’m just now beginning to fold 1000 paper cranes. Sometimes i watch the wind blow the tree leaves or the clouds change. Some people color intricate designs. I also use a journaling Bible and draw illustrations. Once you get used to it, you can meditate while you do any simple activity.
Best of luck to you! Experiment and find what works for you! May you find your inner peace!
windstorm
Thank you. I will try different meditations and see what helps. If I wait for my mind to be blank than I might as well give up. I have racing thoughts and I cannot get my mind to go blank whatsoever. I do breathing exercises and progressive muscle relaxation right now. They do help me physically relax but I need to relax my brain. Thanks for the tips! I appreciate it.
Same brokenrainbow, I don’t know where to begin. You’re not alone.
“I did not lie when I said that I loved you.
I did not lie when I whispered that I loved you.
I did not lie when I shouted that I loved you.
I just did not tell you the truth.
The truth that I never felt love for you.
Because I cannot do that.”
HG
Those six lines speak to me. The one thought of mine which I keep remembering is “He can’t love you BrokenRainbow. He is incapable of love.” For myself it is easier to remember that versus him choosing to not love me. Thank you.
Absolutely, BR, me too. It makes it much easier, so I repeat it to myself like a mantra. It isn’t you, it’s nothing you did or didn’t do. He just can’t, CANNOT, love. ANYONE. Period. RINSE, Repeat.
wissh
It helps me greatly. I wish I could say “it isn’t me, there is nothing wrong with me”. I know he chose me because there IS something wrong with me. I am going to start reading Sitting Target tonight to help me understand.
BR
Or something very right with you.
wissh
Thanks. I was just reminded today about all my mistakes in life by someone close to me. It is very difficult to see the positive in me (although I am trying) when family members only remember the negative.
Brokenrainbow
Oooh! Family members! Don’t get me started. If yours are like mine, many are narcs or narc codependents and they will always do whatever they can to hold you down so they can feel better about themselves! Never trust what family members say about you! They don’t know you best, they can just manipulate you best. Go with what your friends and work colleagues think about you. They know you well and have less reason to try to manipulate you.
windstorm
My mother has strong narcissistic traits but she does not have NPD. She has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me most of my life but it effected me more as a child. My father was physically abusive until I was a teenager. According to my father I am stupid and incapable of making good decisions. My mother is rarely positive and keeps reminding me of all the mistakes I have made. It is hard to shut that off but I am trying.
Brokenrainbow
Your mother sounds like a narcissist to me. Anyone who is habitually verbally and emotionally abusive to the ones they should love sound to me like they are lacking empathy. That is the defining characteristic of narcissism. My mother was only nice and seemed caring when she felt it would benefit her. That is not empathy.
My way of dealing with my mother was to think of her as stupid and hateful and just dismiss whatever she said or did. It was still often hurtful, but I just laughed at her and dismissed whatever she said. I stayed away from her as much as possible, too.
I always assumed that if a family member ran me down and kept reminding me of past mistakes, they did not love me or care about my welfare. If they loved me they would be supportive and offer helpful advice. After all, the only reason for continual abuse and negative comments is to tear someone down and hurt them.
Odds are, they are running me down to try to build themselves up. Their actions are all about them and therefore nothing really about me, so why should I let it affect me?
windstorm
I have read your post a few times pondering what you said. Maybe she is a narcissist or maybe not. It is interesting as I have more issues with my mother than my father (although his violence was horrible). I struggle with the thought of her being a narc though. I know she does not have NPD but I also do think she is on the spectrum somewhere. Certain things fit like control and selfishness. For instance she will ask me what I would like for Christmas. I will usually tell her a few things but she will only buy what she approves of. If she does not approve it does not get bought. Family vacations were based around what she wanted. She always had to have the best of everything. I have always wanted her validation and approval yet I have never received it. I think I need to start accepting I will never get it. Yet she is the closest family I have so it is very confusing for me.
Brokenrainbow
It is very hard to admit that your own mother never really loved you for yourself. I know this first-hand.
Maybe it helped me that I had an adversarial relationship with her from about 5 years old on. I gave up back then at ever getting her validation and approval.
I never really tried to please her and lost respect for her early. I guess in a lot of ways I wrote her off and moved on with my life instead of trying to have a closer relationship. For instance, if she’d asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I’d have said something like, “What does it matter? You’ll just get what you want anyway.”
Do you not have children? That’s how I managed to get a loving family. I grew my own, since the first one was a bust. lol!
windstorm
It has been a hard couple of days for me. I have been attempting to think about my childhood which is very triggering for me. When I think about it I get very sad and I withdraw. I am fearful to explore the deep parts of my mind as I have repressed memories. My therapist is working with me to get me emotionally stable so I can start therapy for PTSD. She feels my PTSD started in my childhood but it was never diagnosed until much later.
I do not want to accept my mother is a narcissist. I know she does not have full blown NPD but her behaviours are suspect to me right now. Her empathy is either low or none depending on the situation. Last night I was on the phone with her and I was telling her something and her comment was “Oh well” and she changed the subject. The first emotion that I felt was anger as I tend to feel anger first. Anger that she did not take my concern seriously. A split second later I burst out laughing. What turned my emotions was I thought of this blog. Narcsite is where I have learned a lot about empathy and lack thereof. I think when I am emotionally ready the PTSD therapy will be validating and will help heal the little girl inside of me.
It is interesting that at 5 years of age you chose to give up trying to get your mother’s validation. That must have been painful yet I believe there is freedom with that choice. Good for you. I have tried to get both of my parents approval and validation my entire life. I spoke to my therapist today about it. I told her it is time for radical acceptance. She is going to help me work towards complete radical acceptance of my parents. I have a huge fear of abandonment which complicates the situation.
I have one child. She is the sunshine in my life. I do not see her often right now but I am hoping that will change. She is young and leads a busy life. I did start my own loving family which I am grateful for.
This post was painful to write but I believe in the power of the written word. Thank God for HG and this blog. I do not feel as alone anymore.
Brokenrainbow
I’m very glad you have a good therapist to help you work thru your past trama.
Maybe I am fortunate that I gave up early trying to get either parents validation. I could always sense that they didn’t really care about me, but only how I reflected on them. It was a very sad and lonely childhood, but it is behind me.
Over the decades I encountered irrefutable proof that it was non-family who saw and valued me for who I am inside. The weight of evidence was against the selfish, spoiled, thoughtless opinion of me that my family believed. In fact other people believed almost an opposite one. That’s why I believe you should never trust what your family thinks about you. There are just too many reasons for them to lie – like holding you back, making themselves feel powerful and superior, tying you to them…
I’d figured out very young that most of what my mother told me about anything was false. Like, “Don’t ever do that it will kill you!” When I’d already done it 10 times and was obviously still alive. Rather than try to figure out the one out of four things she said that were true, it seemed better just to disregard it all and find out the truth on my own.
I’m sure having me for a daughter made her life a misery. Maybe we were both each other’s karmic punishment for sins in a past life. Ha, ha!!
Don’t ever feel alone, brokenrainbow. There are always people who care about you. You just have to reach out to them. Acknowledging and sharing your worries and pain is the first step to overcoming them. There is power in the written word and even greater power when those words are shared. ❤️
BR
It’s why I avoid my elderly, demented mother like the plague. She can no longer get to me but apparently my brother carries her deeper and thus far he is her caregiver, mostly because it doesn’t yet involve physical care. He’s tried so hard to get me to move back to NY to care for her. As much as I love him, I know that I would die if I lived with her. She has been the most toxic person in my life, for my entire life. She kept me from my bio father, first by not telling me about him and then by lying about him until it was too late. He died before I could connect. Self love is difficult for me also because her constant berating voice resides deep in my head.
wissh
I understand that. I could never live with my mother. Her house is similar to a museum and if I forget to put my glass in the dishwasher I get into trouble. I am too old for that!!! She can be very toxic but I don’t have a lot of family left. The rest of my family abandoned me because of issues related to my mental health struggles (BPD).
BR
I’m sorry you feel that way, I understand, but you certainly do deserve it. Hugs
wissh
Thank you. You are too kind. Hugs
Uff, this is How we both did it…. every little thing you mention we did to eachother, accept he was already one step ahead and had my laptop and phone hacked before his very first move. On my part I had to rely only on what I could figure out from photos, online friends youtube etc but the dynamic was mutual. And we didn’t need to pretend we are like this or that,, we really matched. It was refreshing to feel free not to hide, not to pretend to be someone else. Insanity. Madness..Real mirroring. It was like a demented dance. And scary and creepy and exhausting. No winner. I guess the closest thing to love I will ever feel. Extremely intense. Mixed feelings for now. At last we had our extreme insane moment. It will never happen again like this, for none of us. Reality sucks.
Mr. Tudor, I wish you could love. I wish you could do that.
Your writing often pulls me in HG, and those questions you ask to the reader, often feel like (at least to me) like you are pleading with us…..to understand you, to believe you, to acknowledge you. To see things truly from your perspective, and you can’t love like we can.
I wish you could though and I wish you could feel it how we do. I wish someone could almost take you on a journey, and switch on the right parts of your brain, and you see from our perspective what we feel, and exactly what it was like walking in our shoes, and I swear you would come out of it in tears.
Only then would you truly know how painful it is just what your kind does to us.
It is because you can’t feel it, that you can do what you do.
Its like your kind have a calloused and hardened hand, and you are waving it around in the fire, saying to others who have normal sensitive skinned hands,…. “look what I can do, and it does not hurt, I don’t feel anything. ”
But you go further than that….
You take our hands, effectively guarding ours from the fire, protecting us, so we cannot feel it either and its like magic…. then you remove your hands, so that we feel the full force of that fiery searing heat on our sensitive skin!
I am sobbing, reading this. I have not heard it expressed so exactly.
Newby 1111
Are you talking about HG’s writing or my comment??
I never thought that I will say THANK YOU for a Narcisist.
Thank you .
You are welcome.
It might sound pathetic, but the love was so joyous and wondrous that I could have lived in your lie, as long as the hatred had never replaced it. But, it seems that the Beast always awakens at some point. But, I suppose it was never asleep in the first place.
Empath Loves Narcissistic Sociopath
I know what you are
I have known what you are
What I didn’t know was that you can’t be fixed
I didn’t know that loving you would not fix you
Loving you more or better could not fix you
You are not under a blanket of mental illness
You are a beautiful tapestry of brilliant disorder
This IS who you are, forever tightly interwoven
And I can no longer provide the fuel you need
And without it you cease to exist
And with you, I cease to exist
But I worry not
Your new supply is already in play
Farewell my sweet fantasy. I mourn who you weren’t.
Wissh, this is very nice. I especially like the second part, “I can no longer provide you the fuel you need, And without it you cease to exist, And with you, I cease to exist”. That’s the sweetest way to understand it all, ever.
Kelly
Thank you! I’m trying to get it. I spend inordinate amounts of time reading, and I’ve gone back to writing which I’ve always found to be quite cathartic too. I’m glad it resonated with you. Thanks for letting me know.
Wissh, that just made me cry. I can feel your pain. xx
Thank you, Blank. I am healing.
wissh
That was beautiful. I can relate.
Makes my stomach jump and my heart hurt. Even now knowing what I know.