The 5 Wants of the Narcissist
- I want your fuel
I want your fuel. I want it all and I want it from you, him, her, them and especially you. I want it from the moment I rise until the moment I am embraced by slumber. I want it pouring over me, potent and plenty, gushing from you. I want your positive fuel, the joy, the adoration, the love, the passion and the praise. I want your negative fuel, the hatred, the anger, the tears and the fear. Pour it over me, immerse me in that edifying, invigorating and sustaining fuel. There is never enough and I want to keep on experiencing the surge as your fuel increases the flames inside me, burning and rising, powering me as I blaze a trail through all that `I do. I want your fuel now, tomorrow and always.
- I want to engulf you
I am immense, a giant, a prince amongst men, a behemoth that moves with ease and purpose about the earth. I want to subsume you into me, ensuring that there is no trace of you left as I fully integrate you into what I am. I want my tendrils to reach out to you, feeling their way towards the fuel vapours that emanate from you, their probing senses tracking you down. I want them to coil about you and pull you towards me, binding you to me until steadily I suck you into my world and into my false reality. I want you hooked up, connected, locked-in, attached and embedded as little by little I consume you and encompass you with my greatness. You will not resist for the elation and delight that you experience as this process happens is irresistible. I want to own you, I want you to become part of me, I want there to be no start to you and any end to me.
- I want to be the one
I want to be the one that you think of all of the time. I want you to be the person that you orbit around, your sun, your centre of the universe. I want to be the one that is recognised for my greatness, for my brilliance and my achievements. I do not care that I have exaggerated them or stolen them from others whom I have brushed against, stripping away facets of their character to add to my own. I have no care for that. All I care is that I am the one towards whom heads turn when I enter a room. I am the one who is applauded. I want to be the one who leads, conquers and smites. The destroyer of worlds, the creator of new ones, a god. I want to be the one whose power radiates from him so that is tangible to all those who look upon me. I want to be the one who shocks and awes. I want to be the one who does. I want to be the one who rules, who presides and who dictates. I want to be the one you rely on, turn to and devote yourself too. I want to be the one who is credited for all successes, I want to be the one who is your alpha and your omega, your first thought and your last thought. I want to be the one whose name you utter with your dying breath.
- I want your essence
I am the stealer of souls, the charlatan that comes and with sugar-coated promises and offers you the world in exchange for your very essence. You never realise that this is the cost of this transaction but I want to suck the essence from within you, drain you of it and consume it for myself. I want to leave you a broken, dried out husk. I want your essence to fill the gaping hole that endures inside of me. I want that sweet, wonderful essence to flow through me, easing the pain, soothing the fevered freneticism and bring comfort and relief. Like a purifying river, I want your essence to course through me, sweeping away the disease that riddles me. I want your essence to wipe away the dirt, remove the smears and eradicate the stains. I know I flirt with all kinds of dirt, but your essence will save me from such temptation. That is why I want it.
- I want it to stop
Or do I?
25 thoughts on “The 5 Wants of the Narcissist”
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No.5….. I’m not sure what I am. I’ve questioned myself as to whether I am a narc or an empath. I feel! I feel joy and happiness and I feel love and pain, but I can flick a switch to these emotions and become instantly cold when needed. I do scare myself during such times. I have a conscience too! If I unknowingly say psomething that turns out to be hurtful, then I can’t sleep until I put it right. I cannot lie! My home is one of total harmony – rarely any upset or conflict. I’ve never been jealous of anyone! One thing bothers me though. After a few dates with my narc, I rightly labelled him as a leech to a friend. I got shot down for not giving the plonk a chance, so I continued and gave him a chance – to my detriment. I knew 2 months before he had his affair that it would happen. Literally days into affair I sent her an arsenal of his and my emails with him confessing his love for me – she sent pics of them together and poems written to her. Huge smear campaign! The smear hurt me more than the infidelity! When he was mind effing me, I knew what he was doing and grey rocked him. He switched tactic and I instinctively knew and so changed mine. The way he operated was so very effed up, but what does knowing his thoughts before they became actions make me?i did beat myself up whilst having the thoughts, but I was right! Don’t get me wrong, visiting narc town did still devastate me. I’m a healthy girl, but I found myself always ill whilst in that relationship. I get rid of him and no illness for 9 months! HG, you say that the way you operate works for you – that you feel that narcs cannot change. You are unsure of Sam Vaknin’s cold therapy. I know that if I look back to my late teens early twenties, I’m not the same person! I cannot pinpoint why, although I know that I woke up one day wanting to ‘feel’ and boy did I feel! I never used to have a conscience. No one could penetrate my wall. I did have a zero f outlook! I’ve only ever let one narc in my life. I generally am repulsed and know instinctively that a person is wired wrongly within hours of meeting them. I do have narc friends, but keep them distant. I’ve looked at border line, but don’t think think that I am or was this ever. Is it possible that I was a narc, but changed? You say that narc town works for you HG. I often used to look at my narc and know that he had a constant inner battle going on. I guess I saw in him what used to go on in me. He was and is not a happy chappy! I have researched my babyhood. My mommy says that I couldn’t feed – that I had blisters in my mouth, so she had to put me on solids before the recommended window. When I was 5, I wore clothes for a 3yr old. That’s one human need not met right? Neither of my parents are narcs, but bad events happened during my childhood. Could I have been a narc and changed? I believe that my ex narc was an upper lessor/mid range. Very much knee jerk reactions, which is why I say lessor. Didn’t lay a finger on me, but did pin me down and snarl inches from my face on a few occasions. I did say to him initially that if anyone ever laid a finger on me they should always sleep with one eye open. A warnings always good right lol! A very low threshold of energy. Lazy. Would flex his arms daily and say feel this, yawn boring lol! Squeezed a pathetic tear when I ended it. Played the victim constantly, hence in the mid range category too. I wait in interest as to what your journey will bring to you HG. I look back at me and I can tell you that I would rather ‘feel’ then be robotic. What works for you, is not for everyone. My ex narc looked 10 years older than his age. I may be wrong, but to me that confirms that he has had a hard life – that he didn’t like his constant battle. He never admitted it to me, but I often got a blank look when I accused him of multiple personalities. My harshest treatment was when I was being the ‘model girlfriend’ lol! That’s from my perspective though ha ha ha! From his perspective I gues the suspenders were a different shade of effed up lmao! Joking apart…. no. 5 I want to live! I want to feel! I would not ever want to go back to the twat I once was. I saw pain in my ex narc. I saw a reluctance in my ex narcs behaviour. Not through when I aired my views, but beforehand. During. It’s very weird. I feel weird picking up on it. Does anyone, or has anyone gone through the same? I think it was may or June this year that I really binge listened to HG’s vids. A couple of HG’s vids are about initial love bombing. The constant phone calls and messages and ‘that game’ they play. First time that I’d played. Usually don’t care whether response is instant, after an hour, week or never, but in my narcs case I instinctively knew it was a game, so I blocked him instantly lol! Looking back it was a great move because unknown to me the little shit was playing a very naughty game. However, I do look back and laugh at my belief that he got little fuel lmao! In fact I possibly starved him, hence the extreme turmoil he tried to constantly create lol! How could I know how to play the game without being a narc? Am I a narc HG? If not, what am I? My ex narc? No.5? Maybe it’s the empath in me, but I saw pain in his actions. I saw his inner battle. The empath in me saw this pain and stayed longer than I should of. None the less, it bothers me what how and when and why did I know……
HG , if you have time , listen to Pearl Jam,s song Black , just lyrics and song no video .
What do you feel? They say if you don’t feel something in your heart after hearing this song it’s lyrics you truly have no soul.
I’m curious so I am asking
Kiki
Hey kiki, my ex loved pearl jam but he didn’t recongise the lyrics once i wrote him a message with those words…plus he hated me to send hin such a pathetic sms….
Narcissism is not okay. Not something we should be willing to just accept. It’s evil, nothing less. Narcissists spread their own pain to others so they don’t have to feel it. They have plenty of empathy for themselves.
There’s a reason that even our wonderful Mr Tudor was forced into therapy, because he must have done some malicious things that had to be stopped. But narcissists need to be forced to hit rock bottom and to face their fears, and should not be allowed to victimize anyone else ever again. That’s very scary for them but it’s a big relief too. Whether or not they can be taught and rehabilitated, or regrow the gray cells that they mentally damaged and mutilated themselves. They chose the dark side in childhood, instead of the light. I didn’t, and I don’t want to suffer their decision anymore. It’s evil, it’s criminal, it’s sick, it’s not ok anymore.
Why should the rest of us have to hit rock bottom and pick ourselves up, instead of the ones who need to, the narcissists?
They just continue on, I mean, how many people does one narcissist hurt in his lifetime?
Kelly
You may find these comments helpful. There are more comments on the thread regarding the matter. If you are using a laptop/PC, use control F (command F for mac) on the thread and type in the keyword: criminal.
Narc affair
JUNE 23, 2017 AT 15:25
I am curious why your mother as a narcissist would force you to get therapy HG. It wouldve had to have been something substantial to push you into therapy with a monetary ultimatum. Hopefully nothing of a criminal nature. You dont strike me as the type. I guess we dont know all the facts but that is something that piques my interest..why force you into therapy? What does she have to gain by you in therapy? If shes a narcissist she certainly wouldnt want a therapist messing with her handiwork. So why?
HG Tudor
JUNE 23, 2017 AT 17:03
As explained many times before, there was the threat of criminal and regulatory investigations against me. They are based on lies but the time involved would be an unnecessary drain and distraction. The threat of those would be removed if I attended therapy to address my behaviour. I was also threatened with the loss of my inheritance. I also agreed to it for additional reasons which will become apparent to you in due course. She has control to gain by keeping me in therapy and the maintenance of her facade which believe me is a huge facade.
She doesn’t know what she is. She does not regard the therapist as messing with her handiwork – she sees it as extending her handiwork.
https://narcsite.com/2017/06/21/to-have-not-to-hold-3/
Thank you K!
Love HG’s incredible comment responses on that link! You long-timers know so much more about HG than the rest of us. His long explanation about the difference in our perspective and a narcissist is extremely helpful in forever-trying to grasp, from my perspective, their insanity. Since their lives infringe on our life’s though, it’s just not acceptable behavior, it shouldn’t be allowed, it should be stopped. If narc can figure out a way to be leeches and vampires without victims, then I would have no qualms with their personal take on life. Since their take is only as Predators, and we, their prey, it needs to be done away with. I have as much empathy for them as they have for me.
You are welcome Kelly
HG does a superlative job providing us with information and explaining the dynamic and, although it is very difficult to comprehend the narcissistic perspective, please keep reading so you can increase your understanding. It is very important to recognize exactly what you are dealing with so you can protect yourself and your loved ones.
Narcissists are predators and will target anyone: babies, children, the elderly, the sick and dying. No one is safe from them.
Focus on taking care of yourself, establishing boundaries and no contact. We do not have to accept this type of behaviour and education and spreading awareness about NPD is the only hope we have in combating this serious public health issue.
I am a narcsite vet and I read your comments so I will try to help you out whenever I can to make it easier for you on your journey.
Does no one understand just how devastating it all is. ? The trauma? I am suicidal over this malignant behavior. You type destroy people. Devastate
Jennie, being not okay and feeling traumatised is completely understandable as the victim of an N. We all feel this albeit in different ways, at different levels and varying stages of our recovery process. You are not alone. We are with you.
You are through the worst of it once you go No Contact. The devaluation and the manipulations were the worst part, the causative agents, the catalysts to this very moment where your heart stings and your head is chaos.
Don’t let your thoughts destroy you, let them destroy your memories of him. You have an expert in HG to guide you. You’ve got this! X
Jennie, we all understand. That’s why most of us are still here. Healing while helping others. It is the most devastating thing to go through. Suicidal thoughts during this time are common but don’t act on them. They will go away. You will move forward. Keep communicating with us and please stay for awhile. You will find all of our experiences to be similar. You are not destroyed. You are just beginning to live. I’ve been there. We will walk with you through the darkness as a wise friend once reassured me.
Jennie Castillo
Everyone on this blog understands and we are all here for you. Narcissists are wired to destroy and devastate and you have to protect yourself. Please, keep reading so you can get better and move forward. It takes time but you will get there eventually.
Jennie, it is very painful and devastating. The hurt is “powerful” and hard to describe, but devastated is a good word. That is how I felt too.
The word powerful can mean different things.
Powerful: Demonstrating her/his control in a tremendous way. Altering someone in a way that they are subjugate to another person. Feeling magnanimous. Significant energy.
Powerful: Immense, life altering, devastating. Severe. Distress. Heartache. Catastrophic. Feeling so hurt emotionally, it feels physical. Significant pain.
It will get better. Use your inner strength to heal yourself and know we are here. It’s gonna be a bumpy path and sometimes we trip, but keep going. Your life is very important and I am glad to have you here.
Love and hugs ❤Valk
Me too Jennie but I won’t give him the satisfaction! I’m still married to the swine so no way am I gonna let him inherit my stuff and then play the widower for sympathy. .
Dearest Jennie,
Trust us, we do
That’s why we are here
You are not alone
We are all deeply traumatised my precious
Suicide is not the answer sweetheart because then these disgusting pieces of soul destroying manipulating spineless gutless wonders continue to get away with their destructive cruelty
To win …. is to survive and survive we must because they are simply not worth it
Life was not meant to end being sad, broken and torn to shreds my precious
There are animals out there looking for someone to love them …. that’s pure love …. unconditional
Heartfelt thoughts go out to you my lovely …please stay safe
Mr Tudor is here for you
Luv Bubbles xx
I understand Jennie. I was completely despondent and depressed 3 summers ago. My therapist wasn’t making a dent. My daughter was 9 at the time. She was the one anchor to my life that love still seeped in. Two months later I found this site and started pulling out of it.
There has to be someone in your life with a deep connection you can turn to.
I’m much better, but not 100%. Actually today is the 6 year anniversary of the day I met JN (my narc). Thank you FB for those lovely memories they bring up to share on your timeline. Lol Certain triggers never go away, but they do dull. It’s like getting a reoccurring backache but you know to use Ben-gay and it passes quickly enough.
Please reach out to someone if you are that low. Don’t be alone with that much grief and agony. Your head will just keep swimming in it.
This is for Jennie, but wasn’t sure where to put it:
You can delete all pics that include your ex-narc so that they don’t pop up in memories on Facebook. It took a while and stung painfully at the time while doing so – but that’s what I did soon after the last break up. Also deleted from my phone, computer and anything electronic. And deleted all emails, cards, sentimental items.
Then you slowly ride out the battering waves as the painful tide comes in and out. One of the worst parts can be that you know the tide is coming back in. It will slowly creep up around you while your feet are stuck in the sand until you are panicking, sputtering and close to drowning when, mercifully, it starts to recede at the very last minute. This occurs for quite a while so you have to give in, steel yourself (suck it up buttercup as HG would say…) and accept that it will keep happening. But know that you will not drown. Eventually, the tide gets weaker and weaker and eventually you are able to wrench your feet out of the heavy, wet sand and carefully walk to dry land. Keep walking and don’t look back.
You won’t be the same, Jennie, but you will be okay and then better then okay and, eventually, pretty damn good. Read HG’s blogs and books. Good luck to you.
Hey Stronger Wendy! Nice to see you here again. Perfect add-on to Jennie! Couldn’t have said it better myself!
Jennie Castillo
I’m sorry to hear how you are feeling. Truly I am.
I know what it’s like to feel in that very dark place, and like giving up….and the pain is overwhelming….and it feels like there will never be an end to this turmoil…..
Just take one day, one hour if you have to at a time.
Do you have an understanding friend/relative you can be with at this difficult time? Someone who can give you a bit of support….
When you are ready, please come back here….there are many that can help you get through this…
Sending you hugs and hope you can be somewhere safe, and to regain your energy.
We are thinking of you my lovely xxx
Jennie, we do understand we truly do! Stay with us as the others have suggested we will help get you through this! Reach out to HG, read his books, stay on the blog. When you feel comfortable enough please have a consult with HG! There are so many ways to do this please take advantage of his knowledge! We are here for you! You will get through this, it will take time but you will get through it! Be good to yourself and keep moving forward, never look back! 🌻
#5 I do not think you want it to stop because you have #1, #2, #3, and even #4, and your kind still do not stop, ever.
Nika – Survival
They can’t stop even if they wanted to. Their self-defence mechanism would prevent it.
This is why it is so exhausting to live with narcissists. My mom was a lesser victim and she controlled everything about me. Curfew was 30 minutes after school ends, just enough time for commute. Not allowed to do anything with friends beyond school, only went to church on weekends and always with her, had to have her watching outside the venue of my prom and picks me up right away, and always had to have my full attention. So thankful that part of my life is over now. I still love her though but I’m glad she is on the other side of the Pacific Ocean.
Also, I just want to say for those who are still in the midst of a narcissist’s toxic quicksand, don’t lose hope. I remember when I was still living with my mom I was praying for God to let me die in sleep. I have thought of suicide but all methods seem too scary and painful so I just prayed that maybe He can let my breathing stop while I am having good dreams. That was during high school and college days. I’m so thankful that God didn’t answer those prayers. I didn’t know that a really good bunch of chapters in my life book were waiting for me. My mom is not part of those good chapters but they are beautiful chapters that I am so thankful that I didn’t miss out on. I have a loving husband and two beautiful kids now. I used to struggle with memories of my past but now that I learned what she is I am able to get out of the emotional thinking and just see things for what they really are (thanks largely to Mr. Tudor’s work). Just don’t let anybody have power over you. Don’t let any one person have ownership your beautiful essence.