The Narcissist and Grief
Grief. You may think that this is an alien concept to our kind. It is and it is not. On the one hand we do not feel grief but we do understand what it is and what it engenders in other people especially those who are empathic in nature and who have been entangled with us. We have watched with an almost child-like curiosity when you have received news about the passing away of a relative. If this happened during the golden period, you at least received some false empathy in the shape of some fabricated support and understanding to make it look as if we at least cared in some way. If your pet died during the devaluation, a long-loved pet, then we will have watched your display of sadness, longing and grief with contempt and jealousy. We would not have supported you but instead said something to provoke you such as,
“I don’t know why you are so upset, it’s just a dog.”
So that you focused on us again rather than wallow in your own grief. We have witnessed grief in others, observed and learnt how it is displayed. We have listened (when it served a purpose for us) during the golden period as to how it makes you feel and stored all of this information away. We do not feel grief. We may exhibit is for the sake of appearances if this will garner fuel for us and to preserve the façade, but it is never felt. You however experience grief in an intense fashion, given your capacity to feel and to empathise. We have seen your grief over a deceased relative, a friend taken suddenly and violently in a car crash, the celebrity who you adored who has passed away after a long battle against illness. We know just how capable you are of grief and we know that not only does it have the potential to be a potent source of fuel but we recognise its paralytic effect on you. Grief takes a hold and has the capacity to prevent you from functioning effectively. Not only that, its paralysis is such that it can prevent you from escaping this state of grief, keeping you locked-in a grieving mode, unable to move forward. Grief is an intense emotion. We have seen this. From the wailing cries of a parent being told that their child’s body has been found after they have disappeared to the dignified grief of a war veteran stood in silence with a single tear trickling down his or her cheek as they pay tribute to their fallen comrades. Whether noise or silence accompanies this grief it remains a powerful emotion and naturally one that our kind is keen to draw on for the purposes of extracting fuel. We see grief as serving two functions. Keeping you in a state of paralysis and therefore it follows that you will keep pumping out potent negative fuel for us to extract.
Now, I am not suggesting that I will embark on some kind of killing spree slaughtering your pets, taking down your favourite celebrities and murdering your friends and family, in order to create this repeated state of grief. Whilst one might see certain attractions in doing so, the effort involved and moreover the considerable downsides to such a course of action mean that it is not one that we would embark on. No, instead there is an alternative way of looking to create an enduring state of grief on your part. We want you to grieve for us.
This does not involve us taking our own lives. We rarely commit such an act. We will threaten it, certainly, as part of a hoover, but we regard the world as needing us and therefore we will extremely rarely commit suicide. We will however cause you to grieve for us and we do this when we eventually disengage you after a harsh devaluation. When this disengagement takes place we will leave you with three losses over which you will grieve. Your grief will be prolonged because there are three losses and thus this maximises not only the prospect of paralysis but also a longer period of the provision of potent fuel.
The first loss is the loss of who you thought we were. You were seduced and swept off your feet by this charming individual who mirrored everything you liked and disliked. We ticked all the boxes, we professed to be your soulmate, we gave you a perfect love, made every day special and had you excited to see us and hear from us. We created such a wonderful start to the relationship, unlike anything that you had experienced before. We understood you, we cared, we showed you such passion, we listened and engaged in those things which you always wanted to share with someone else. We wrapped ourselves around you, permeated your very core and entwined our lives so that you were never happier and you could never comprehend a time when such delicious rapture would end. But it did and how.
The loss of something so brilliant and splendid hurts you and feels like you have suffered a bereavement so intense and painful is the experience. Even though you hear the words that it was an illusion, that none of it was real and that you need to let go, it is still so hard to accept all of that and you miss us. Oh how you miss us. You miss that wonderful person we were at the beginning and you want that person back. No matter how many times you are told that he or she was just a creation, that it was an illusion designed to fool you and that we never loved you and never meant or felt anything we said to you, it is still incredibly hard to accept. Just like someone who cannot accept that someone who has died will not walk through the door at any minute, you cannot accept for a considerable time that the person you thought we were has gone. We know what you will be thinking (because we have caused you to think and feel this way) and although we may not always see your grief-ridden response to our absence we know what you will be thinking and feeling and this fuels us. Even greater is the fuel from your messages telling us you miss us, that you want the “old me” back and begging for another chance. Your grief for loss of the person that you thought we were, is both huge and prolonged.
The second loss that you sustain and grieve for is the loss of the potential that we showed to you. There was no doubting that we were brilliant at our job. You saw the plaudits and you felt the benefit, for a time, of the accompanying pay cheque. You saw the trophies amassed for our various achievements in different fields and you heard other people speak so highly of our accomplishments. The compassion, kindness and love that we showed to you and to others (although false) still causes you to think that somewhere we are truly capable of this goodness, if only we would harness it and let it be free. You have witnessed two things. The reality of our drive to be the best and the accompanying good that such drive and ambition brings – a surgeon saving lives, a scientist inventing cures, an entrepreneur creating wealth and jobs, a policeman making the neighbourhood safer, a teacher educating so many people to a high degree – means that our rampant desire to be the best has the considerable potential to actually do good for others. You also saw something in terms of the way that we treated you and as an empathic individual you still believe that this goodness can be freed and used to both our benefits so that we are both happy together. You came to regard us as a wounded and hurt person and in conjunction with your innate desire to heal and fix, you felt that if you could heal us then the mutual benefits would be amazing. There was so much potential waiting to be unlocked and utilised and now with our departure and your discard, that potential has been lost. You grieve this loss of opportunity and how things might have turned out oh so different. You want to turn back the clock, do things differently and the inability to do so causes you considerable grief and pain.
The third area of grief which you sustain from coupling with us is not grieving over us, but it stems from being with us and that is grieving the loss of your identity. Before we came along you were happy, independent, strong, bright, well-liked by family, friends and colleagues. You had many interests and you enjoyed life. Yes, there were flaws and vulnerabilities but you handled them as best you could as you forged a path through life knowing who you were. Then we came along.
We subsumed you into us. We eradicated your characteristics as we either stole them for our own construct to show the world or we eroded them through the steady application of our vicious manipulations. Your confidence evaporated, your self-esteem disappeared and your self-worth plummeted. You became steadily isolated, losing friends, neglecting your interests and even become distant with family. You allowed yourself to be fully consumed by us. It was entirely understandable how this happened because we wanted it to happen and we acted in a manner to cause it to happen, but nevertheless your loss of identity was a steady and insidious consequence of the grip we held over you. Now, as you sit alone, ruminating on what once was, grieving the loss of who you thought we were, the loss of the potential, you are also hit by the loss of who you were. You no longer recognise that face which stares emptily at you in the mirror each morning. The world is grey and drab, music sounds harsh and grating, conversations irritate and make you fearful, even your favourite foods taste like ash in your mouth. You have lost yourself and the sense of foolishness from allowing this to happen and the grief arising from such a loss is substantial.
This triumvirate of grief arising from entangling with us provides us with substantial fuel and we know that burdened by not just one or two, but three forms of grief, it will take you a long time, if ever, to escape the effects.
29 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Grief”
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This is just a thought, but I think we mistakenly feel some sort of connection with you as if you were a human being inflicted with Sociopathy. Yet, there can really be no connection because instead of being a human being who is a Sociopath, it would seem, rather, that you are a Sociopath skillfully pretending to be a human being. It is just my thought, and not meant to be factual. I mean no criticism or harm. If no words such as Narcissism, Psychopathy, Sociopathy, or Evil existed, I wonder what we would consider you to be…
If there were no psychological words to describe the Sociopath, I would call your kind a “Mean Machine”. (Plus, it even rhymes).
And, Sociopaths are mean, even if they come equipped with pretty accents. This is what I must remember!
The 3rd kind is the one I’m currently stuck on.
Who am I again? I’m not sure anymore.
What did I use to do with my Me time when I had it?
Where is my Social side that use to enjoy being with people?
Where is my motivation and my energy to pick myself up?
I was once so driven, so happy, so easy going.
Now I feel like a shell.
Luckily each day I am away I feel a little less oppressed.
One day at a time, one step at a time.
I will find myself again.
Perfectly stated.
It is truly painful, and some of us have been entangled with these kind since youth, and onward. But, having known nothing else does not make us immune in any way to these three forms of horrific grief.
I cannot imagine you knowing the emotions that our kind go through, but having no conscience in which to care. Of course I cannot imagine it. How could I?
I suppose you can understand and comprehend our feelings, but not really feel them for yourself. So, in essence, perhaps intellectually you know how painful it is for us, but emotionally, you cannot relate.
I wish there was a metaphor that could help me to better understand what it “feels like” to be you. I cannot comprehend it. I suppose you just run off of logic, and not emotion.
It makes me wonder if your kind feel any physical pain? Could you have a tooth pulled without pain-buffers? What if you got your leg chopped off? Would you say, “Ouch”?
Nika
I have such trouble with the imagining also. My narcex was extremely logical, mathematical, little sense of humor, and didn’t really bother much with feigning emotions other than during sex. Like you, I really wish I could get a better grasp on what that might be like. I’d even say during arguments, “you’re the logical one, I’m the emotional one.” If only I’d known then. I’ll be interested to see what HG says about pain because narcex didn’t feel much pain on his entire right side, and seemed to have a high pain threshold in general.
Wiish,
Yes, I am curious if these kind feel physical pain, and to what extent. What if they were being tortured? How would they react? In movies, when these kind get tortured, they just laugh, showing their silver teeth turned up into wide grins.
But, I think their bodies function much like ours do, so I would like to understand about their reaction to pain while it is actually happening.
I do not think they would feel the fear or panic in the anticipation of pain, or the severe psychological trauma after the occurrence, but I question their reaction during the pain, itself.
My pleasure wissh. I found them very helpful.
Nika – Survival
These two articles may help answer some of your questions.
https://narcsite.com/2015/09/24/how-does-it-feel/
https://narcsite.com/2018/07/14/what-do-we-feel-6/
K
You are amazing, you must have a photographic memory. I really enjoy reading these older articles you reference. I see that HG’s blog name used to be ‘malignnarc’ in 2015. When did this blog begin?
31st August 2015
K,
Thank you so much. I will save, and read these two articles! Your thoughtfulness is much appreciated ♥️
K
Thank you for praying these links, I read them also.
Of course ‘praying’ was supposed to be ‘posting.’ So much for the swyping Google keyboard on the iPhone.
wissh
I sometimes wish there was an edit button so I could correct my mistakes, but what the hell, life is short. Mistakes be damned!
You are welcome Nika – Survival. If you can remember: How does it feel and What do we feel, then you can type them into the search bar and pull them up.
K,
I sent these two links, you sent, to my Pinterest Board so I will remember to read them ♥️
What an incredibly honest article of the truth of who the real narcissist is. This is the true personality that’s hiding inside him, there’s no little child of a treasure box buried inside. This article is his true self and all that’s inside.
You know when I first got infatuated with my narc at the office, I remember thinking how I hoped I would run into him on my way to the kitchen for coffee, and I actually remember thinking it seemed so wrong! because I was falling more in love with myself than with him. He made me feel good about myself, and that was the real ensnare, the real reason we pursue them. The devaluation pursuit of them is our pride now defending how great we are. They understand devaluation well, since it’s their constant struggle with their own creature’s voice everyday.
Very well put Kelly
Excellent point and very accurate. They mirror us and then we have to defend, in the end, what was us all along. I’m still finding bits and pieces of what I once was, realizing I can not go back to how I used to be. I was all these things and in time I will be again.
Excellent point, Kelly. That applies to me too, I felt great about myself in the golden period. I don’t even want to go back there with him, but I sure would like to feel that way about ME again.
Thank you Kelly!
The archives are fun and I really enjoy spending time there when I get the chance.
Here is a naughty one that you may like, type: orgasmic bliss into the search bar and enjoy!
Lol, you’re so cute! So I can kind of relate to one of the things in that link, about a fully clothed O! Never had anything happen like that in my life!
Kelly
This is true. I felt great about myself when we were in the Golden Period.
wissh
I also would love to feel that way about me again
Well, thanks for the warning I guess. As though grief weren’t already a huge part of my life. Luckily, I don’t believe I’ve been too impacted by your #3, maybe if my relationship with narcex had been longer, and not long distance, but as it was I pretty much kept my own life.
HG, would it upset you if you were told by an ex that she faked all those orgasms? Except the one, you know the one, during make up sex. You were so proud of your sexperience but as much as I enjoyed our time together, I knew something wasn’t right and my head wouldn’t allow me to relax enough. Is telling you that stabbing you back or would you not even believe me to preserve your illusion of greatness?
It would most likely be Challenge Fuel is she told me that was the case – of course we both know she would by lying.
I agree, it is very much like grieving.
“The world is grey and drab, music sounds harsh and grating, conversations irritate and make you fearful, even your favourite foods taste like ash in your mouth.”
This is also true for me, but…
Even during the immense grieving process, there are glimmers of hope:
A friend who listens and understands, lifts your spirits.
A trip to the beach, a solemn observation of how beautiful the world is, even though it brings you pain.
A favorite meal that renews your senses of a once forgotten enjoyment. Comfort food.
My grief can be almost paused in these moments or at least so muted as to appreciate life as it is.
Grief is a sign that you cared for something deeply. Grief is temporary. Love and hope never die.
“Now, as you sit alone, ruminating on what once was, grieving the loss of who you thought we were, the loss of the potential, you are also hit by the loss of who you were. ”
Ah, HG,…. you really have a keen observation on the whole narc/empath dynamic. 💔
I am currently wallowing in a quagmire of grief. You’ve explained it all so beautifully. It helps to read, helps me to understand and focus on my recovery.
Many thanks xx
-J