The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist
I am red of tooth and claw. I seduce, I hurt, I cast to one side and like some malevolent Pied Piper, I play my tunes once again and draw you into my fabricated world. I operate a zero sum policy. I want what you have. If I gain it, I win. I love to win. I must always win. The winner is the conqueror, the strongest and the survivor. This is what I have been taught. That is the reality of my existence. Yet when you have been selected as our targets and the seduction has commenced, we have certain desires that we want to be true. There are initial desires that exist so that we do not have to go down the road so often travelled. We may have ensnared you but might we remain protector rather than persecutor?
We have these wants at the outset of our coupling with you. These are genuine, well-intentioned and considerable in nature. We are imbued with hope, optimism and confidence, every time a new prospect has been embraced by us. We want these things so that the teeth are never bared and the claws remain lowered.
- You are the one
I chose you because you are so special. I truly believe that you are the one, this time, to change everything that has happened before. You are the one who will save us, you have been selected beyond everybody else because you are the one. That is why we have such an infatuation with you at the outset of our relationship.
- You will not betray us.
The world is a cruel and harsh place and we know better than most how that is the case. We are surrounded by those who would strike us down and grind us into the nothingness which we fear. Those assassins lurk and wait, seeking their moment and we must ensure we remain vigilant so we do not fall prey to them. Traitors and betrayers mill about us, but we are wise to them. We know their game and we have them in our eye. We do not want you to be one of them.
- You won’t be like the others
We thought they would be the ones that we desired but they disappointed and dismayed and they left us no choice other than to punish them for their lack of loyalty and their false promises. We had to do so, otherwise a failure to act would only compound the perception of our weakness and we must at all times project to the world our image of success and magnificence. We hope you will not be like them so we need not maintain such a façade and we hope you will prove your worth so that you will not be like the others and let us down.
- You will stop the emptiness
Each and every day we must seek to fill the void that lurks within. It is part of what we are and we accept that this is the task which must be addressed because so much rests on being able to perform this important act. It is the reason for our existence but perhaps you can stop that sense of emptiness for us. Perhaps you can take away that void and provide us with the substance that we crave.
- You quell the fury
It is always there, churning away, waiting to be unleashed and directed at some transgressor, critic or traitor. I have learned to control it, many of my kind cannot do so and will never do so, it is a mark of my excellence and my superiority. I make it work for me, to advance my plans and to smite my foes. I have no choice for it is always there, waiting to be ignited in an instant. I can control it but I cannot quell it. Can you be the one to do this for me?
- You won’t get too close
Perhaps if you avoid getting too close to us you will not then let us down like the others before you have. We hope that you can provide us with all the things that we desire without the need to invade our inner sanctum which must remain locked and shuttered. Do not attempt to enter there for the consequences are too dreadful, for us both. Do not get too close and perhaps we have a chance to achieve the other desires that we wish for.
- You really do love us
They all seem to do so at the beginning but then we find ourselves surrounded by charlatans, con-merchants and frauds. Why does this always happen? All we want is for you to love us, unconditionally and eternally. That is what we only ever wanted.
- You will not wound us
No matter how grand and imperial we are, no matter how magnificent our achievements and our deportment that signals to the world that we are truly brilliant, a leader in our field, a behemoth and a colossus, we can be wounded with such despicable ease by those who send criticism our way. It hurts, it burns and it wounds and we must defend ourselves against such unwarranted and disgusting behaviour. Perhaps you will be the one who will not wound us in this way.
- You will not leave
Don’t leave us. The others have always done so. We do not understand why that is after everything that we have done, all the things we endeavoured to do to please them and then this is what happens. The others leave us twice. They come with such promise and deliver for a time but then they do so no longer and through such an omission they leave us. We want that person to return but struggle to contain the fury which is unleashed from this horrible criticism of us and then you sever all possibility of a return when you walk away from us. Do you know who you are when you do that?
- You won’t make us leave you.
Please do not do the things which force us away from you. The others all headed down that path. It causes us to consider that we are cursed, forever burdened by the fate that we will have no choice other than to leave you in order to secure our survival. Perhaps you can be the one who prevents that feeling from happening?
Each and every time these ten desires loom large when we commence our engagement with you. Some show such promise and for such a time and then one by one these desires are crushed, shattered and obliterated. We know only one way to respond to the destruction of our desires because we are red of tooth and claw.
14 thoughts on “The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist”
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I usually find the egotism of the narcissist very off-putting and thus avoid becoming involved with them. It’s the victim narcs who get me, though. The last one made a big production of talking about how he could just never find the right girl, women thought he wasn’t good enough no matter how hard he tried, women would act ashamed of him in public, women had all the advantages in dating, etc. This guy is drop dead gorgeous, smart, and from a wealthy family, so this didn’t add up . . . but I got taken in anyway. My narc ex, the only one I actually had a relationship with, was similar . . . he had a long piece of writing on social media describing how much he wanted love and was looking for the right person to share his life with. You would think these men would then be grateful for a woman who valued them, but neither of them was. Nothing I did for either of them seemed particularly impressive or created any kind of bond, and in fact both of them clearly just wanted everything on their terms. Their entire attitude toward relationships, when presented with one, was basically “meh” coupled with a desire to control everything. If it didn’t meet the extreme degree of perfection they demanded, they were ready and willing to bail. When HG mentions thinking that every woman is “The One” at first, and how that leads to idealization, it all seems so familiar. The narcs simply don’t realize that what they are looking for doesn’t exist . . . just like the person we thought they were doesn’t exist.
Hah! #6. I was told yesterday that I am “getting too close again” and “making him feel uncomfortable again”.
Such bullshit.
Well, think about it… you are a real threat, especially with the birth this week, and he gets very nervous of your proximity that you could blow everything up for him if you got upset enough to go that route.
I would not advocate doing so, that would result in engagement which will maintain and increase already high emotional thinking and the various repercussions from this are not in your best interests.
Oh believe me I go through every “phase” of emotions on this one. Blowing things up for him, that is. There are times (which come and go) where I want to destroy him. However my stupid “love” for him always seems to win out because I do not want to hurt him, as angry as I am some days. Also there is no way for me to expose and hurt him without his wife and kid (and soon to arrive second kid) being in the crossfire of that hurt somehow. They are innocent. The urge to cause destruction is a strong one and it comes and goes, it waxes and wanes. I think it stems from my jealousy.
Understandable and all of this is a form of engagement as you continue to think about him. GOSO.
Fuel on the Shelf, you are waisting precious time. Very seldom I have seen HG five advice back to back… you should listen and do as he says… because you can’t think. I remember I couldn’t think. And I know I will go right back to that place of misery if any form of contact happens. So I am on no contact and I read HG over and over until I feel my mind is full of what he says so I don’t have time or energy to think of the ex….
You also don’t want to be that person, his family doesn’t deserve your wrath. That’s what he would do. It’s what my husband’s ex affair partner did, though it didn’t work.
I could have ruined her career, still could…she certainly deserves it for what she tried to do to me. But a narcissist with nothing left to lose is dangerous. I don’t feel like looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. Plus she’s not worth the effort. Neither is yours.
To clarify, I am not recommending this course of action for FOTS, I’m just saying Piano Man must view her as somewhat of a threat who needs to be pacified so as not to uproot his facade.
No worries Clarece, I knew what you meant.
Dearest Fuel on the Shelf,
May I please ask…. what is it you actually “love” about this person
I’m just curious
Luv Bubbles xx
FOTS
I think that statement is likely true. Any closeness gives them the creeps. Sometimes they tell you the truth if it works for them.
HOWEVER
Your are wasting precious years of your life you won’t get back not to mention do you want to be that woman who is engaging with a married man with a newborn? We aren’t talking about a man with grown or nearly grown kids. Think of these kids they didn’t ask for any of this. Yeah he’ll go on and do it with someone else and truth is he probably has several but it doesn’t have to be you and believe the only ones they hold any regard for are the ones that escape them
Believe me this is nothing more than addiction and the constant chaos is filling some void in you. This really isn’t about him. It is about filling the void. Believe me if a new more exciting Narc came along you would dump him and never think another thing about him. But listen FOTS he is going to discard you. It will eventually come you are no exception to how this dynamic plays out. I think somewhere in your psyche you don’t accept what is written here and that some magical thinking had you feeling that it may not happen to you. That is not a judgement but merely an observation and it’s happened to many. It’s going to happen to you. You can get out before it does but it wlll happen.