The Weapon That Is Infidelity
Infidelity is a given when you are ensnared by one of our kind. We know that it is not pleasant for you to think of us in the arms of another, conjoined in sexual congress as we do things with them that we have done with you and then we return to you. We know that infidelity is something that someone like you abhors. You have a strong moral compass, you behave in an honest and decent fashion and expect us to do the same. That will not happen. You place considerable belief in the question of trust and the concept of monogamy. Our infidelity will manifest in lots of different ways: –
- Having sexual liaisons with third parties, some of whom will be strangers and others will be prospects who are looking to seduce;
- Sending and receiving text messages of a sexual content;
- Describing online what we want to do to someone and they to you;
- Sexual liaisons with your friends and family members;
Although I know it is scant consolation to you since ultimately it is the breach of trust which causes you the greatest pain, we do not commit acts of infidelity because we want the sex. Admittedly, the physical sensation is enjoyable but that is not the reason we are repeatedly unfaithful. In terms of our attitudes to sex and especially sex with you, read Sex and the Narcissist. For the purposes of this publication it is sufficient to explain that when are unfaithful the sex is not the primary purpose. It is the fact that in your world sex is equated with love, affection and attraction and as a consequence it serves a purpose as a formidable weapon in our hands. We use it to seduce to we can additional fuel from third parties. We use it to seduce a new prospect who will provide us with fuel and will ultimately replace you. Initially we will be covert about our infidelity as we do not wish to damage having you as our primary source and therefore our need to obtain fuel from secondary sources through infidelity will remain covered up. Over time we will continue to use sex with other people as a means of gaining additional fuel but we will also be doing this to seduce your replacement. Eventually when we start our devaluation of you, we will be far less covert concerning our extra-marital affairs and often we will not care if you know or not. Indeed, we may even flaunt a mistress in front of you for the purposes of making you try harder and to provoke you so that you provide us with additional negative fuel.
Infidelity is not about the sex. It is about fuel. It is about control. Being unfaithful to you abuses your trust, it pours scorn on the vows we have taken and makes a mockery of you and what you stand for. It is abusive behaviour and to expect a narcissist to always be faithful is like expecting the tide to stop advancing when you tell it do so. It just will not happen. Infidelity is second nature to us because the weapon that is sex is just too good not to use to gain additional fuel. If there was another device that was so potent we would use it instead. The fact that sex feels enjoyable is just a matter of nerve endings and a pleasant side-effect. For us, sex is all about using it to further our aims; gathering fuel.
We will be unfaithful to you at some point. That is a guarantee. When we are first seducing you, we will be in the process of devaluing someone else leading to his or her discard. We most likely will have withdrawn sex from the victim who we are devaluing and be having sex with you as the new object of our seduction. This does not mean that since you are the apple of our eye we will be faithful to you. We will have intermittent sex with the person who is subjected to the devaluation either as a means of giving them a short golden period again or for the purposes of extracting further fuel by subjecting them to humiliating sexual activities. We will also be courting other prospects also as well as you and therefore there is a strong likelihood we will be bedding that person also. We will, when seducing you, maintain an image of fidelity since that is what you expect. If you are conducting an affair with us, we will assure you that our current partner (whom we are devaluing) never has sex with us, we sleep in separate beds and so on. We will bemoan the fact they never have sex with us in order to draw sympathy from you as the new prospect.
By contrast, we will triangulate you as the new prospect with our current partner. We will drop heavy hints that we are being unfaithful or even actively admit it in order to further the hurt. Our rationale behind this is that monogamy is for the little people and this does not include us. That would make us less special and we cannot have that. We are entitled to seek sex outside of a relationship because this is our inalienable right to enable us to obtain fuel. We feel no guilt in doing this, we do not respect any vows we may have given to remain faithful to you and we have no qualms about coupling with someone else. The reason for this is that we have to do it and in a perverse way, the only reflection on you is that you are not giving us the fuel we need. It is not a reaction to what you look like, what you do, who your friends are or what your interests might happen to be. We will of course use them, as a method of lashing out at you should you try and question us about our infidelity because as I have explained in Manipulated we will deploy blame shifting frequently when we are under attack. It is often the case that when a partner learns of the infidelity of their partner that they will scrutinise their own conduct.
“Is it something I have done?”
This means that you will examine your own behaviour and try to improve in some way because you will want to salvage our relationship. The fact of your addiction means you do not want to let us go. You will be mightily hurt and offended by our infidelity but you will try to find some way of fixing it because that is what you like to do. If our infidelity shows any risk of causing you to depart, we will hastily reinstate the golden period, as a Preventative Hoover, if you will, to stop you departing from us. Most of the time however, because of the way you are, you blame yourselves (often because we warp your way of thinking to do this) and you try to patch things over. Your need to resolve matters results in you clinging to us notwithstanding our fidelity. Indeed, in some instances you want to prove that you are better than the person we committed our infidelity with. You want to fight to retain us and ensure that our relationship triumphs.
We will also use infidelity as a means by which to control you and make you do what we want: –
“If you gave me more attention I would not go elsewhere.”
“If you put out more often I would not have to get it from someone else.”
“Perhaps if you hadn’t let yourself slide I wouldn’t stray would I?”
“If you thought more about me rather than yourself perhaps it would not have happened?”
“I won’t leave you, I should, but I will stay but some things are going to have to change.”
You are the victim. We have committed the transgression but other than when we fear you might leave us and sever our supply of fuel, we will not apologise but pin the blame on you. You will have been subjected to a succession of manipulation wiles in order to browbeat you and lower your resistance so that when we unveil our infidelity we use it as a method of getting what we want from you, namely more fuel and more control.
Infidelity is bad enough in the context of a “normal” relationship. With our kind it will always happen, it will always happen with many people and will do so repeatedly. It is a further black flag of abusive behaviour.
9 thoughts on “The Weapon That Is Infidelity”
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Thank you, HG. Helps clear the fog, dispel illusions so that there can be no way I envy my replacement even though he married her.
I love this article. It is exactly that way. Of course the nuances change but if you can look at the raw behavior, this is pretty much it.
Rampant infidelity brought pain and shame into my life and into my heart. To stay and suffer a slow burn was never an option for me, it would’ve been like waiting for flowers to grow out of concrete. There is nothing beautiful or special about that.
I ran away from infidelity and just kept running. I wish there was something as profound as narcsite back then, something that made me stop and confront the realities as I ran instead of locking them away. Living with the memories of a ghost relationship so damaging and fighting positive intrusive thoughts about managing the dynamics of a person with opposite behaviours is exhausting.
I am a strong and virtuous person and yet it has taken years until finally in the dark corners of my mind I do not at any point hope our paths will cross again and my heart does not skip a beat when there is a Hoover.
HG’s writing has enabled me to finally reframe any positive images I had of N. To have a daily blog and reminder when required with regard to the narcissistic perspective is a gift. To no longer feel at odds with myself about my conflicting thoughts is a freedom I would’ve paid any price for. I just can’t believe these amazing writings and insights are free.
HG you are an analytical genius.
That one didnt really work either. . He had some guilt trip thing going on one evening..told me he messed about with a friends girlfriend, while I was at work..and some further online stuff with her,. I’d not been married to him for long.. well I didn’t really care..I just said “oh well, we all make mistakes..no big deal”. . I wish he would find someone else!! I don’t know of any other times and don’t think he has done it again? . but he did it to his first wife many times.. even at his baby daughter’s christening! Can you believe that!! I met him while his wife was divorcing him.. didn’t know all this at the time (among other things) I have only just come to awareness of his antics, has taken me 13 yrs to realise what he is.trouble is now, is that he’s an old pathetic, boring, miserable twat with nothing to offer anyone so i cant even count on him to bugger off with someone else to get rid of him.
Flutterby
Why are you waiting for him to decide and to bugger off? Why is your happiness and freedom left up to him?
I’m trying ! Lack of resources mainly. Practical stuff..
Flutterby
Ah. Keep at it. Thank you for responding.
That will never happen. He will never leave you… or the others. Why would he? He’s getting precisely what he wants! Including your anger and your hurt. He won’t leave.
YOU need to leave. Truly leave. Slam the door shut on his face when he least expect and erase his existence. Purge! He may initially get a bit of fuel with the door slamming but trust me as the months go by and his Hoovers fail at inception, that door slamming (your discard) will imprint in him. He will run after fuel but the repeating failures will just be doors slamming shut one after another, in a way or another.
You must allow him to fail by leaving him. If you stay he can’t fail, can he?
No. He can’t. You aren’t allowing it.
You know… before I met HG I had many thoughts that came through my mind, usually in the darkest moments. I know I have talked about suicide. I have thought about dying and I just didn’t conclude my thinking because of my son. If I didn’t have this little boy, I don’t know if I would be here typing this message. I intend to write about my thoughts because I know they were my reasoning peaking through the pit black darkness I was living in.
One of the strongest and most lasting thoughts came as a whisper. It was this day… a day where I went to get a hamburger to my son and I ended up driving away as if driving was a way to process that pain in me.
So, I was driving down the freeway. I had not heard from my narc in days and my heart was heavy. I was feeling sick inside.
I kept thinking… when I was a child, I believed in guardian angels. During the hardest moments when my mother was drunk and I was left alone afraid of what would happen to me. Fear of abandonment. I always asked the powers above to help me through. Always. I don’t know if they did because my life has been a narc after another but that day driving, I was kinda like…
ok, this is it for me. God, we need to talk. Yes, you God. The one that everyone talks about and prays for… all that religion stuff. You. We need to talk because I am really pisses off right now. Piss off at you.
how come aren’t you helping me on this? You are just sitting there on your ass watching all this happen to me and you do nothing. NOTHING to stop it. God, you know my heart. You know the depths of me and you know that I never did anything to hurt him. In fact I have done the opposite. I have tried to heal him. I have tried to love him the best way I can. It may not perfect but it is the best I can do. I have forgiven him when I shouldn’t. I could have hurt him deeply and hinder him powerless. I could use my powers to ravage him in many different ways and I didn’t do it. I stuck to what was right. I raised above my pain, my anger, my despair and I did what was right. And yet, what was right seems to be wrong. I believed that love should heal and it is not healing. In fact it is destroying me. I constantly get hurt. I feel like he is constantly stabbing me. One after another. Sometimes he barely withdraws the knife, I barely catch my breath and get stabbed again. Harder, deeper as if he needs to withdraw my pain to stop his hate. He hits in my core where I hold him in, my sacred place where I never allow anyone before. . Where it should never been messed with.
And this thought came to me almost immediately. It came soft and kind. The image it created in my mind was of this delicate soft spoken woman, almost frail, petite, ethereal. She was speaking kindly to me. Yet the words themselves brought with them a sense of dread imbued in it.
I sense of danger, of unyielding divine power. A force holding the power within. It could have been a hurricane but it was sent to me as a little soft breeze from the wings of a butterfly. Delicate.
“You must remove yourself from My way. You must leave him so I can operate. This is the only way he can get what he deserves.”
I stopped the car. My heart pounding in my chest. I felt my mind going crazy. No. I felt I was disintegrating. I was not going to make it. Something was breaking apart inside of me and it was not pretty. How can you die without dying? How can you cease to exist like that?
That was me. I had no identity at that moment. None. I was nothing.
Who am I? I don’t know who I am because I have been him.
Who is he? He doesn’t know either because he has been me.
So we are the same and the opposites and we can’t stop this alone.
I was told my narc he felt like home. And he did. He truly did. Just the thought of him is comforting. I know it sounds sick and it is sick but his existence is comforting and yet repugnant for the illness that we both carry inside.
Omg. The very thing that I fear the most is what I have to do!? The emptiness. The absence of him. He is my soul. I can’t live without my soul! It is like cutting a piece of me. The pain is excruciating. I can’t do that. I am going to dis. He is the air that I breathe. This can’t be right.
And the voice repeated: “you stand on the way. You stand on my way. You must leave him, leave the relationship. You must leave and I will show you life.”
I felt as if I was literally suffocating as if an invisible hand was choking me to death. The sensation was real. I felt I couldn’t tolerate leaving him and I would die. I was dying. The pain was so intense that my nose began bleeding. I was not even crying. I was just trying to stop the pain but it didn’t stop. It continued like something twisting my guts inside. At that moment, the soul infection of my childhood became obvious to me because I recognized that feeling. That was familiar. THAT was very familiar. I felt this before but when? Buried inside of me somewhere. When? So I allowed myself to experience it and I remembered it. It was from my childhood, my very early years when my mom was so clingy, so demanding emotionally, so controlling that I don’t know how she didn’t suffocated me physically. No wonder I was so violently sick as a child. She did choked me emotionally and projected her happiness over me my entire life. I recognized the feeling at that very moment. And I understood why I always dated narcissists because with a narcissist there was always the emotional distance. Always. They would hold me accountable but they didn’t suffocate me because they don’t like emotional intimacy. I don’t like it either yet I want it, I crave it, I go after it. But as soon as a normal guy begins to develop a real interest, wants to engage with me in a real normal relationship that requires me to answer to him in real terms, I can’t breathe! I can’t perform. I can’t deliver it. I get nervous. Narcissists were safer on that end…. until it was not anymore.
For the third time, I heard the voice saying “leave him and he will find what he deserves. Just leave.”
I didn’t understand about narcissism yet. I had no idea what to call his behaviors, my mom’s behaviors, my dad’s, my grandmother’s… I had no idea.
What brought me here was his reaction to a comment I made during our last dinner together.
He began talking about Trump and how he detests the man and that the man should be removed from office, etc.. etc… and he began criticizing Trump’s behaviors. I became bored and I didn’t want to spend the whole dinner talking about Trump, so I said: what do you expect? He is a narcissist. That’s how narcissists are. They don’t care how the world perceives them as far as they get what they want.”
Then I gave an example and I used the third person “you”. I said, if you were a narcissist and I was to accuse you of something, you would find every explanation to justify your actions.
He looked at me with a half smile but kinda not surprised and said: are you saying that I am a narcissist?
I looked at him surprised and said: you? No. I don’t think you are. I am just giving an example if what I narcissist say if confronted. He said: “ oh, well it is “just” a personality disorder. It is not even a real mental problem.”
I just stared at him thinking… really?
The subject died there. But the fact that he said that, didn’t. It caught my attention and I made a mental note. I got up to use the restroom and I watched him. As soon as I turned my back, he grabbed his phone. I suddenly turned around and his reaction told me he was texting someone. He said it was work related. If it was so why was he keeping his phone in on his pocket and just grabbing it just when I left?
I just smiled and he immediately grabbed my hand and looked at me and began talking about his new project at work (word salad). I knew then it was over for me. I felt sad but I thought: I must leave you. And I am.
His hand in my hand became warm and humid almost as if he could sense my departure. Nothing was said. We both acted as we usually did. It was the spoken that spoke louder.
By his reaction to that person, the impulsivity I noticed, the excitement, I immediately knew that he was looking but not seeing it. I didn’t get upset. I just saw someone heading to a disaster, like an inconsequential child. I thought hmmm… I saw that behavior happening before with my ex husband and now he’s in jail.
It was in the back of my mind like an after thought but it was the first thought that came to me when I saw him texting her.
So Yes I left him at that moment.
If she will give him what he’s looking for, I don’t know but I sensed I should end it right there.
I came home at 11:45pm exhausted. I went to YouTube. I needed to learn about narcissism because I was convinced someone had told him that he was a narcissist. His deceased wife graduated from a bachelors in psychology three months before she passed away. I bet she accused him of being s narcissist. That’s where it came from. And as I told him that his oldest daughter is a narcissist herself, I was getting closer and closer to the source to figure him out. He sensed me like a shark. He obviously noted my emotional reaction to him to drop to zero as for some strange reason I can’t quite explain, I went grey stone on him on our last diner but I think it was because I clearly felt him disengaging from me at that point. On this last dinner I was so detached so disengaged that was obvious it was the end. For me a permanent end. For him a temporary end.
You must remove yourself especially if you were a super grade A supply like I was. I was for him and for his daughters as I helped the girls many many times, particularly the narcissist one.
Regardless if someone else is there, he will look for me in every person and he will not find me. Even purely out of his narcissist ego, he will want to have what I have to offer but he won’t. I will deny him and he will always have to go for others. Always. He will never ever have me again. The fact that he takes possession of me, will wound him further because he can’t own what he thinks he possesses. He will never touch me again. He will never listen to my voice ever again. He will never have my love again. He will never have my body again. He will never have my grade A fuel again. He can find another. But it won’t be me and for his selfish reasons, he will want me. He will have thousands but Not me and that will eat at his core, particularly the moment that another man takes his place in my life. That means he lost it. He is a loser and he will find out about that when it is too late. Mark my words. He will face a bigger shark and by that I don’t mean I will have a relationship with another narcissist. I am just saying that there are all kinds of people in this world and narcs are not immune to all of them.
Again, mark my words.
You are right; you are not cute. 😡