Secrets
Do you remember when you were at school and your friends all appeared to know something that you did not? They gave each other knowing looks, made sideways references to “this thing” and smiled and giggled. Unsettling wasn’t it? You asked them to tell you, you pleaded and you may even have become upset or angry, threatening your friends with some repercussion if they did not tell you what it was that they knew. Usually it was nothing. Just a device devised to play a game with you, to provoke a reaction, to cause you to react and it worked. Then you were in on the secret and you could join in and play it against the next unsuspecting individual. Nevertheless, you did not like that sensation of not knowing did you? Few people do. How many times when someone has gone missing, have anguished people declared,
“It’s the not knowing which really gets to you.”
The apprehension you experience when you wait to receive your examination results. You know you studied hard during the year, carried out the revision in the right way and you felt the examination went well, but you can never be sure can you, it is the lack of knowing which gnaws away at you until you receive the result.
Waiting for some test results concerning your health causes anxiety and concern. Even if it is bad news, once you have those results you can then take action, make plans and formulate a way forward but whilst you do not know, you are stuck, paralysed and frozen. It is an unpleasant sensation at best and an utterly debilitating one at worst.
You do not like secrets. We thrive on them.
So much of what we are is a secret. We are like a series of chests, compartments and vaults in which various secrets have been placed. Some have been placed there with the intention of never being revealed, either to you or even to ourselves. Others are those secrets about what we really are or what we actually do and we close the lid, slam the door shut and turn the key in the hope that you do not find them out and expose us for what we truly are. We do not want you to find out that the honey-coated façade is just that as you open a dark box and find the full horror of our true behaviour lurking inside. The past behaviours and historic actions are consigned into the depths of archive storage to prevent you from knowing what we really did to our ex-partner, what was said to our brother that has meant we have not spoken in ten years or the catalogue of infidelities that we engaged in. If you were ever allowed admission to those dark corridors you would pass the vaults, chests and caskets into which the secrets of our kind have been placed. Wife-beater, alcoholic, smack head, fraudster, closet homosexual, expenses fiddler, serial cheater, elder abuser, fence, conman, contemptor of court, distant parent, liar, convict, tax fraud, cross-dresser, sexual degenerate and so much more besides. Many secrets, some which you may eventually look upon, so many you may never know about. So many secrets hidden away, pushed into the recesses, concealed and secreted so that prying eyes do not learn the truth of what we say and do.
Yet, our secrecy goes further than that. We delight in letting you know that we have some kind of secret in order to exert control over you. We revel in giving you a glimpse of something but then pulling it from view. We engage in half-comments, low whispers and veiled comments in order to pique your interest but then we relish withholding the full tale. We take pleasure in these insignificant mysteries that cause you to question and probe. After all, we do know how you behaved when you were so much younger and how the sensation of not being able to know troubles you. It troubles you and your kind more than others. Like the older boy at school, we have snatched your lunch money and now hold it above your head, almost in reach as you hop and jump, frustration increasing as you attempt to recover it. You want to get hold of what it is that we know so you can satisfy your own need to know. We recognise this and therefore engage in the playing of games where we suggest, hint, partially reveal and allude to so that your interest is gained. We tease as we make oblique references to something in the expectation that you will bite. We will sit staring into space, cultivating the appearance of depth and intrigue as you observe us and wonder what we are thinking about. You will of course ask and we will give you some cryptic response which as you pondering and probing further. Whatever we told you is nothing to do with what we were actually thinking about. We may have been admiring the view from the window, we might have been wondering how the match would turn out and most likely we were considering which of the growing stable of prospects to message next. Instead we will trot out some comment or line which gives the appearance of us being pre-occupied with some weighty matter, something possibly beyond the wit of you, something which makes us appear mysterious and heavyweight. The intrigue adds to the allure but it also plays to your desire to need. The keeping back of information, the withholding of knowledge, the cloak and dagger routine is all part of the act. The true secrets will never be revealed to you. The secret we allude to is non-existent. It is just a device to control you. It is a means of keeping you bound to us, asking, wondering and probing. The half-answers and titbits are there to confuse, bewilder and cause your anxiety. The mysterious murmurs, the ponderous gaze and the comments to ourselves which you can only partially hear are mere ruses. They are to give us the appearance of depth when it is lacking. The creation of so many apparent secrets is to keep you away from the real secrets by leading you in a different direction and to make us appear deep and of substance. We look to snatch your consideration and scrutiny and make it belong to us instead.
The playing of secrecy continues after the cessation of our formal relationship. Always when you have been discarded and often even when you escape, how many times are your night bedfellows not some other person but the ghosting questions of how, what, why, when and where? You are given no answers as to what has happened and this is when the secrecy takes on the greatest significance as we have entered you into the maze where you try to find a way through it in order to understand how we could have done what we did, what on earth happened to you, why did we do those things, when will we come back and where did it all go wrong? We condition you throughout your dance with us to be intrigued by us, to wonder, to speculate, to pontificate and so forth so that it builds and builds until when we cast you to one side you can do nothing but keep wanting to learn our secrets, to open those doors, to slide back the bolts and open the portals, to raise the lids and lift the covers. This keeps you coming back to us, it keeps you hanging on in the hope that one day there will be a momentous reveal and it will all make sense. You wait in the expectation that all the secrets of this person that you still love will be revealed to you. But it never happens. Not by him or her. The unmasking comes from another place.
It is no secret that you have the key to the narcissistic universe in your hands now.
46 thoughts on “Secrets”
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Thank you, HG.
You are the only narc allowed in my life .
That is how it should be.
Those of you who believe in star signs influencing the individual character – would you say that that is important in a narc or that the narcissism is predominant?
Ava 101. I do believe and have often wondered this. Sun/moon/rising/Venus ……that is a good question. When I listen to tarot readings I am just told that he is in my energy and is deceitful and a narcissist.
Hi Kim e,
back then I couldn’t decipher tarot readings to that purpose, possibly, because it was outside my awareness and therefore misread … others just said common stuff about relationship topics, which did apply, but didn’t nail it as the knowledge about narcissistic psychopathy was missing …
Wow! The tarot reading triggered a memory. I have one girlfriend that we like to indulge in palm readings, tarot readings for fun on occasion, etc. I went to a clairvoyant at about the two year mark seeing JN whom I’ve written about here in the archives. Plenty of crazy making and material for a Taylor Swift album had already transpired at this point.
In my tarot reading I did pull some card for lovers but with the other cards surrounding, she explained we had been lovers in a past life and “he didn’t get enough of me then, and found me now.” She also called the relationship “stormy”. I just chalked it off at the time to account for our large age gap.
Now, I’d want my money back because I’d know it’s just because of the traits I have that were easy for him to manipulate.
Although the aforementioned reason above is much more romantic. Lol
Ava101, we had about the most incompatible star signs you could imagine. One of us is very solid earth (guess which one) and the other is very hollow air (guess which one). But I am close to others of the same element so I would say the narcissism is more predominant.
I am Air, ex-narc Earth, opposite of me… as HG is …….
I believe, and he believed, that we had a lot of typical traits.
SMH. Do you believe that even tho a narcissist their horoscopes and such apply?
I am Pisces in sign and pisces in Ascendant, he is Leo with libra in ascendant, maybe here are some N characteristics.. I also know one N. who has air and fire in ascendant.. but I am not sure if this is the primary cause for such a behavior.
Hey! I’m a Scorpio, we’re very loyal people, but true, we give back a little tit for tat vengeful sting. But, my narc mom is Aries – now that’s firey!!
Do you believe the horoscopes for those signs hold true for narcissist also
I don’t think so, Kim e. My mother and I are the same sign but she is a narc and I am not. I don’t know about all the zodiac technicalities though –
Lol, Kelfairly. I don’t know if you are reacting to my comment, but I am replying anyways. I did not mean all Scorpios are poisonous. I was just joking ( I know you are too). I personally don’t believe zodiac signs have anything to do with a person developing NPD or having any other character traits. Now, that being said, I agree with you, Aries girls are such passive aggressive narcs (my sister is one of those).
Just kidding!
Let’s see. My narc mother is a Scorpion, a scary creature with a very poisonous sting for sure.
My Ex narc was a Gemini, a two-faced creature who would very subtly slap me emotionally one moment and then subtly soothe me in the most affectionate way the next moment.
However, HG is a Virgo, the symbol of the Virgin… Hmmm…. That one is a tricky one. LOL
Ava101, I do not believe in Zodiac signs but your question got me thinking about my narcs’ zodiac signs. Hence my comment.
So my mother is a poisonous Scorpio.
My ex Narc a two-faced Gemini.
And HG is a non-practicing Virgo.
My mother is Narc and she is Virgo. Very dominant an jealous person.. because of this and so much more problems I went very early out of home..Father is very kind and empathetic Gemini. He was my emotionally support. Now he is under my mothers control.
Hi VV,
Yes, my mother has everyone under her spell too. The weird crazy one seems to be me for calling her a narcissist and avoiding her. Lol.
Secrets definitely applies, he and his playful smile from withholding the rest of the half told facts. I’ve become like an investigative journalist trying to find the rest of the story. It’s what mostly kept me with him, intrigued. Discovering he’s a narcissist was the ultimate answer, that quenched all the rest.
Kel, ‘he and his playful smile from witholding the rest of the half told facts’ – yes!! That was mine, too!!
Lol, and he could say so very proudly and very convinced: “I never lie”. Ouch…
Shesae, my favorite was “I don’t like to lie” For real?
Mercy
That was an example of a narcissist truth. They DON’T like to lie. They LOVE it. So he could say that with complete conviction lol.
NarcAngel, Yes!! In his days of confessions he admitted that he does exactly what you said. He also said if he could create a small form of doubt he can make anyone believe what he says.
I believe he was so proud of the world he created and wanted someone to admire him for it. When I first started reading on this site I should have escaped but due to circumstances in the relationship I ended up diving in deeper and used what I learned here to gain his trust. That’s how I know this site is legit.
The problem is I think it messed my head up pretty bad. I should have escaped back when I found out what he was.
This is why I was like a dog with a bone. I was not going to rest until I had the answers. I probably would have peeked in the windows of his house had I not found his social media (public). I found IPPS’s first (also public) and his a few months later. Since he never commented on hers, I did not even realize at first that he had an account.
I have rarely been so shocked as I was when I found his account. He was as flat with his (few) friends and family as he was with me. He wouldn’t respond to questions, comments or tags, even by his kids. His pics were mostly sky, planes and water, as if he was unable to focus on what was in front of him. He also had this weird habit of occasionally taking the same shot as IPPS (she was way more prolific) – I think because he couldn’t be arsed. He did not want to be on there but his kids pressured him (or IPPS pressured him through the kids). It was most bizarre. There were no secrets! Just a very conventional life that he did not fully embrace. He was going through the motions.
He did not know that I’d found the sm until my final escape 8 months later. I told him I had been looking at it and analyzed for him the images, comments, styles, content, etc, to dissect him, IPPS and his marriage. Only then was I satisfied and ready to leave.
When we first met he said ‘I only skim the surface.’ I cocked an eyebrow and responded with a smile, ‘I only dig deep.’ It was a challenge and from that moment on, we were in a battle of wills to see who could break the other first (of course I didn’t know this – I had to figure it out). This is another reason I kept going back – I was not going to let him break me.
Ultimately, I think I gave as good as I got but it was not my choice to go that route. He forced me to with his stupid secrets about his unremarkable life. Asshole.
SMH. Hints on how to find the fake FB accounts?
Kim e, I didn’t put a lot of effort into it – there might be others that I have not found. The accounts I referred to in my post were public IG accounts under his and IPPS’s real names. IPPS also has a real private FB, as do all the kids, but he does not have a real one.
The first fake FB I found by Googling his fake email address. Google kept taking me to a FB profile I did not recognize. No pics or friends but the location was right and the initials were the ones he uses.
The second one was under his fake name, a component of his fake email. I searched the fake name on FB and up popped a profile, also without pics or friends. It must have been new because I am sure I must have looked for it before. The location was also correct on this one – a much smaller city than the first (he moved in between).
I also Googled both names and there is no one by either name in the places listed. The second name – the fake name – there is no one in the world with that name. It sounds like a probable name but the surname does not exist.
It never occurred to me that he had an IG account until I saw one of his daughters tag his initials with a sequence of numbers on IPPS’s account. I followed that tag and found (profile IG pic is him with a daughter). I found IPPS’s long before I found his because they do not comment on each other’s posts and as I am not on IG, I could not see ‘likes’.
If you have any clue about names, places, emails, initials particular to him, you could start with those.
Thanks SMH. His IPPS ‘s FB account and every other single bit of information about her is locked down tight. Only place I find her is as co house owner. Period. End of story.
Thanks for the ideas.
Kim e, I didn’t know for the first 8 months of our relationship (a good chunk long distance) that IPPS existed and I had lots of ways to find information. I suspected but I did not know. She makes herself very scarce as a full blown person. Her FB is private and her IG is public because she wants ‘followers’ but on neither account are there profile pictures of her. In fact, she took down one of the only pics of her that exists on the web. She hardly turns up anywhere. He never mentions her on sm and she never mentions him (I have not looked for months now but I did for many months before). He not only hid her from me, she hides herself away too.
My thoughts are that we don’t exist to the narcs, right? IPPS basically doesn’t exist either because narc abuses her and makes her feel worthless. She has internalized all of that after so many years with him, and it is reflected in the way she presents herself – no pictures, locked down, non-existent, few friends, etc. I think HG posted somewhere about this – IPPS is not allowed to fully exist apart from narc. As IPSS I only experienced a little of it but when I am feeling particularly empathic I try to imagine how IPPS must see herself (or that she does not see herself).
Kim e, I shouldn’t encourage this but a couple years ago I created a fake Facebook because my narc loved to play the block game so I couldn’t keep tabs on him. I put pics on of a bunch of pretty women out having drinks and other group type pics. Then I friend requested all of his friends and his friends friends. I posted a couple times a week so it looked active. I built the account up for about a month then friend requested him. He’s a super player so I knew he would accept plus we had about 40 mutual friends so it looked legit.
Side note, he had a fake account too. During a NC his fake guy friend requested my fake girl. I was very strange.
Mercy. All this gives me a headache. Lol.
Kim e, It gave me a headache too haha.
Wow, Mercy. You sure know yours well! That is freaky, especially if you were still together. MRN doesn’t have any friends on his fake accounts. I thought of friending his fake account as my real self but I do not want him in my life and I think it is childish that after all this time, he uses fake profiles to creep me instead of just friending me like an adult even if it is under a fake name because of IPPS.
Shesaw, yes but he would only get so far with a fake name. He might exist on FB with the fake name but no friends and no pics – not even a profile pic. If you Google the fake name, there is no one by that name anywhere. Anyone thinking of seriously dating him would do that.
I did look for him but I knew he was lying and did not care much. I thought it was a flash in the pan – a fling. I thought he was a spy, a Mormon missionary off the wagon, all sorts of things :). Also, every white guy in his line of work looks the same to me. I once found someone I thought was him and who did work with him, but wasn’t him. So I was close! It turned into kind of a game.
It was only after he chased me across the pond a few months after we met that I nailed it. The last time we saw each other before I left, he inadvertently gave me two pieces of information I needed. It then took about 10 seconds to find him because he didn’t lie about much besides his name and his marital status. He never wanted to know how I found him. Why? I don’t know. His narcissism wouldn’t let him see how clever I was or how dumb he was?
SMH, it was freaky but funny too. Especially when his fake guy asked my fake girl if I was single. I gave a quick response then ended the convo because I was afraid he’d figure me out and I worked hard on creating that account haha. I don’t use it anymore. It’s still active though because my friends uses it to stalk her hubby’s ex.
Mercy.
Ah the tangled web we weave …….
Mercy, I also had to do plenty of stalking to figure things out. Fake FB wouldn’t have helped me since MRN was not active there (even his fake profiles are inert). I once started a fake IG to ‘follow’ IPPS (MRN did not have enough followers for me to be incognito) but I pulled back for my own sanity when I realized I was crossing a line that I did not want to cross! My situation was different though as I knew about IPPS, was mostly being ‘nosy,’ and their IGs are public anyway, so I can see most everything without being on IG.
Dating update: Irishman and I are still in touch but he has some health challenges beyond the knees. He did not want to tell me but it is complicating things, so he had to if he wanted me to stick around. I find myself misinterpreting a lot because MRN made me paranoid about stuff I’d never even thought of before, especially ‘disappearances.’ One set of walls has therefore come down (I can get interested in someone else) but another has gone up (the trust issue is huge). I haven’t told him about MRN. Should I? How do I explain that I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist? It sounds kind of trivial but it is a real struggle for me to react to totally honest things in a normal way.
SMH, honestly I would wait to expose the depths of the abuse to him. You have every right to have trust issues. I don’t know how old you are but I’m in my 40s and dating just isn’t the same as it was when I was younger. Don’t get me wrong, I met plenty of assholes then but now I’m more aware of people’s actions and intent.
If he’s disappearing because of medical issue I can understand him wanting his privacy but don’t disregard your instincts because you have acquired trust issues due to the ex narc. One thing I will never do again is ignore my instincts. I wont let them rule my life but I will listen and take caution.
I’d wait until you feel a little more stable with him before you open up completely. You don’t want to make yourself vulnerable yet. I don’t think it would hurt to explain that establishing trust is very important to you because of a bad past relationship. Maybe ease into it.
On a positive note, I’m way happy that you are excited about this guy!! You will be my hero if this all works out. Truly!! I’m trying to be positive about finding happiness with another man after the narc abuse. I’m not ready to date and I know this but every day gets easier and I do see a future beyond him.
As far as stalking, I have no interest in that stuff anymore. I tell myself it doesn’t matter what he is doing or who he’s doing it with. I know what they are going through. I got a call from my daughter saying that he posted a long rant about a girl that cheated. I’m pretty sure he was talking about a secondary source that I knew of. Funny thing is that I don’t think she cheats. She’s pretty devoted. He’s paranoid because of what happened with mousy girl. Anyway, it’s good to know he’s still a miserable POS.
Mercy, I was just wanting to come back here and tell you that Irishman is quite sweet and has a lot of empathy. He has been careful to reassure me, said he did not realize how sensitive I am, and he apologized for not telling me. A friend died recently of the same thing so it is not a hypothetical complication to me. He doesn’t need me giving him grief right now or making him feel worse than he already does. I can keep him and date other people until he is in better shape or I have to leave, whichever comes first!
You are right about not saying anything yet. I don’t want to start off talking about past relationships and it doesn’t matter really. It will either all come out in good time or we do not get involved and there is no need. In any case, I think I am pretty normal now except for a few bumps in the road. It might not ever be necessary to tell anyone.
Of course yours is still a miserable POS!! But it must be frustrating since he could have had you – this was a question I always had – why choose chaos and conflict when you can have something calm and peaceful? HG provides a lot of the answers. I don’t want to be narc’s fuel source any longer and neither do you! It’s exhausting!
I don’t know anyone who knows MRN anyway, and that is a blessing. What I know is totally under my control. I can think whatever I want! Ha! Miserable POS? Of course. I told him (nicely) that he was when I escaped – miserable with IPPS and miserable with me – that he could find someone else if he wanted to, but I wouldn’t respect him for it. Left jab, right jab, I threw everything at it (except for a real punch) but all that matters is that I feel that I won.
I am older than you but I don’t think about age much. It’s just a number! MRN was a few years younger than me and so is Irishman.
When you are ready to date, set your sights high. You will have a lot of crap dates but don’t lower your standards again. Either the person will meet your standards or they won’t. You will meet someone eventually who will shift your mind away from narc even if you do not fall in love. In the meantime, each affirmation will remind you that you are not crazy and with each date you will step further away from narc. I was not involved with MRN nearly as long as you were with yours, and I was never under the impression that I was the only one, so your road is a bit harder than mine. Still, I think it is important to get out there.
SMH, to the average person this may seem like a crazy statement but I’m sure you or others here can relate. I feel like I’ve been trying to move on since I met him. There was never a time when I felt content. Even in the beginning when things were good I always felt like one of us was going to end it. I think that’s why I’m so impatient to get him out of my head. I’ve been moving on for years haha.
Your statement “why choose chaos and conflict when you can have calm and peaceful” they will never choose that. They have to have the chaos in order to feel alive. It’s a very sad and lonely life that they live but we can’t feel bad for them. They know right from wrong and they choose to ruin lives. They will ruin our lives if we show weakness.
I think it’s great you feel you won. You went out YOUR way! I did the same. As I said earlier it always felt like one of us would end it and I wanted to be the one that did. In the end I figured out he was never going to leave because I knew what kind of fuel to give him so ultimately I was the one that had to go.
Maybe him and I were codependent. I’ve been denying that diagnosis for a long time but my last statement sounds like something a codependent would say. I knew how to manage his abuse and I knew when and what kind of fuel to give him to keep him happy (or stable). I always thought of a codependent as a doormat in their eyes. That was not the case with me. I challenged him at every turn and like you said, it was exhausting.
Where did you meet Irishman? Does he live here in the states? I need to meet a Irishman…or a Scotsman like Jamie Fraser from Outlander 😀
Mercy, I can totally relate. I left MRN for the first time a month after I met him. Four more escapes followed over the years. I never felt content either but I am in the clear now and you will get there too. You are definitely not a codependent and neither am I, but I think I also went through a co-d phase – all the way from co-d to wild banshee! LOL. It is all relational. An avoidant person can make the most independent person anxious and addicted.
Mercy, Just so you know – my narc radar is working. I am chatting with someone now who is definitely a narc or at the very least completely self absorbed. He is rambling on listing all of these ‘cool’ things about himself without asking me any questions even though he contacted me. It is all about him trying to impress me. Blech. Irishman did not try to impress me.
SMG, Haha, that sounds familiar! Narc or not, self centered equals D-bag!
Oh indeed SMH, those unique no-one-in-the-world-has-them names! Mine used them too. I believe he used these names on dating sites, so ladies would look for his name on fb or ig, and find + contact him easily.
Your information and insight have been invaluable to me and I am eternally grateful. I feel like I have been given the keys to the kingdom. Every behavior that made no sense, information that was maliciously withheld and actions fueled by rage that came out of nowhere have all been explained in depth. There were so many things that I had so much difficulty letting go of, trying to put the pieces together in my mind. I feel as though I can rest easy now, put it all behind me and pray I shall never lay eyes on that person again.