This Time It Will Work
When you first come into my sights, when you appear between those crosshairs and I sense your empathic qualities, your adherence to the traits which make you so attractive to me, I am filled with optimism. I have spoken on many occasions about my need to extract fuel on a daily basis. This ritual necessitates the acquisition of someone who will be my primary source and then a whole host of secondary and tertiary sources who are drawn from friends, family, strangers, colleagues and so forth. It is a ceaseless task but one which I am built for, one I have been designed for and one which I will always apply myself to. I prefer to conserve my energies and that is why I live in hope that this time the person that I have targeted will be the one who will not let me down. On this occasion I have found the person who will be my primary source so that I never have to embark on the devaluation of this person because they have failed in their obligation to provide me with fuel. Many people may regard me as prejudicial person and it is true that I pre-judge people, but only ever do so on the basis of satisfactory evidence. I look for the necessary traits in how you interact with others, the things that you say and what you do. I watch carefully before I make my move. When I see the very things which I cherish and require for the purposes of gathering fuel, I experience an elation. There is excitement and anticipation. Mostly it is because of the fuel which I hope to gather from you, that delicious and golden fuel which super charges me, invigorates me and provides me with the power to sail through life charming and attracting. However, my excitement is not all based on the anticipation of tasting your fuel. No, a significant part of my anticipation is borne out of the fact that you might just be the one. You could be that person who does not let me down. You could be the one who finally provides me with such sweet fuel that I never have to go elsewhere for a primary supply. I cannot give up my supplementary sources as they are a reserve and a contingency for when I am not able to draw my main fuel from you as my primary source. This is not because I have cast you aside or because you have committed that treacherous act of escaping me and instigating no contact. Not at all. The reserve is required because owing to various factors I cannot be by your side every hour of day or in some form of contact with you to this extent. This means that much as I delight in your sweet, sweet fuel, I am forced to obtain it elsewhere and this is from those supplementary sources. It is you however that I still look to for the best fuel. You who I look to in order to provide me with the most fuel and to do so with comforting regularity. I want this fuel from just one primary source. You seem to think that I revel in the abuse that I dole out when I devalue my primary source victim, but I do not. It may look that way, a side effect of the power that courses through me as I drink deep of that negative fuel but in truth I would much rather never have to go down that route. I would prefer that you continue to pump out that positive fuel to such an extent that it always remains satisfactory for me. I want you to be the one that is always there, reliable, dependable and magnificent in the production of your fuel. You would benefit too. There would be no awful abuse as devaluation takes place. There would be no mystifying discard (mystifying to you at least – it makes perfect sense to me) and then I would not even have to go to the trouble of applying various types of hoover in order to bring you back to me. Imagine avoiding all of that and remaining in the glorious golden period of seduction the whole time? I know how much you love that. I have seen it in your eyes, I have seen you speak of it and of course I have seen how hard you have fought at times to recover it. You adore and worship the golden period and you can have that. You can have that all the time. All I ask of you is to keep providing me with that fuel at the potency and level that is appropriate and demanded. It cannot be too difficult for you can it? You once did it. You provided it brilliantly but then you let me down by not providing the quality I was used to. You diminished the frequency and became unreliable, thus hurting me and that could not be countenanced. You had to be hurt in return. There was no hope for any other way. Imagine being able to avoid bringing all that horror on yourself as you keep doing what is necessary. You keep giving me my fuel at the prescribed level and in return you get to stay in the golden period forever. This is what I hope for too and you think that I am selfish. Not at all. We both win. You have the golden period and I have the golden fuel. This is what I hope for each time a new target presents itself and I begin my work to consider moving to the seduction of this target. I am filled with hope, I am filled with optimism that this time, just for once, you will keep on doing what I need and you will not let me down. No matter how many times this has happened in the past. No matter how many times I have been betrayed and hurt by the treasonable conduct of those who said, so many times, that they loved me and they always would, I have always continued to believe in the power and capacity that the next target may just be the one. I am not a bad person for believing in that way am I? I just want to find the right one for me. Just like you do.
You want to find the person that you will love for the rest of your life, I want to find the person whose fuel I will love for the rest of my life. Surely you can understand and appreciate that? Surely you must accept that such a notion is noble? Surely you understand why I always think that you might be the one. This time.
18 thoughts on “This Time It Will Work”
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No it won’t.
Persephone
Whereas I respect your opinion that narcs inflict suffering “because” of their emptiness and I realize that this is the dominant psychological view of many psychologists, I do not agree with it at all. Here’s why. (I am excluding the lesser and victim variety in this explanation, they are another topic) What they desire more than anything is to feel powerful and in control of those around them. This is a choice they make, usually from a very young age. At some point, they begin testing their ability to control others and the more they get their way due to their manipulations, the more powerful they feel. This becomes a perpetual feedback loop that even their physical energy levels become dependent on. Through trial and error over time, they become more successful at their manipulations. They can not be successful in controlling people if they let good emotions like love and empathy, get in the way of their scorched earth control tactics. They cause their own emptiness.
They remain unfulfilled because they want to have their cake and eat it too and that is no longer possible. They want to be able to have a level of power and control which requires a lack of empathy. At the same time, they want the real true power and effects that come from having love and empathy but they they can’t achieve this power because, by it’s very nature, empathy and love, voluntarily gives up this obsessive control. In the beginning, letting themselves love would have required them to let go of power and control and they refused to do that. Understand that over time they actually destroyed their own conscience and that “brain process” can’t be reversed. Once the conscience has been destroyed, they no longer have the ability to have positive emotions like love and empathy or the results of love and empathy, like happiness, contentment and joy.
This inability to have their cake and eat it too, is a source of one of their greatest frustrations. They aren’t idiots. They see the actions of the empaths and realize that the happiness and contentment they experience daily is a direct result of the love and empathy that they show towards others. They see that empaths don’t need or want total control in order to be joyously happy. An empath finds their happiness by giving their love, care and attention to others. We are the direct opposite of the narcissists. A narcissist “tries” to find a sense of peace, relief from the nagging knowledge that they are horrible people and an escape from the reality that they are aware of (and always hiding from), the fact that they are low class low lifes. They try to ease the pain that their ugliness and terrible actions causes within themselves, by taking from others, be it character traits or a combination of negative and positive emotions. Empaths “find” happiness by giving. We are polar opposites of one another. One of the reasons that narcissists eventually become vicious (overtly or covertly) towards empaths is because they are attempting to deny the empath the happiness they get from “giving.” They want desperately for the empath to give, give, give to them but out of jealousy, they do not want the empath to reap the natural rewards of their giving.
As to your comment that his writing proving that he does show emotions, I think what you meant by this, specifically, was that you are of the opinion that his rain article proves he has the ability to show “positive” emotions. Correct? Sorry, but again, I completely disagree. I can’t read his mind, thus I can not be completely certain of his feelings or motives but I can make a good guess because of my extensive experience and study of other narcissists I know. They are true masters at mirroring the positive emotions of others. Any positive, empathetic or loving emotions that they appear to have or write about, are simply a useful and manipulative mirror of what they have seen and experienced from others who genuinely have positive emotions. They could feel “satisfied” by a good day that left them feeling powerful and in control and thus get a momentary pleasing sensation from the cool rain hitting their skin with a contrast of a warm breeze. They could get a temporary and quickly fleeting sense of the “peace” that most often times eludes them, from standing in the rain with someone they know they have complete control over. They could feel themselves temporarily melt into the rain and lose themselves in it for a short time. I could give you lots of examples of what they could feel with this rain experience but what they are not feeling and can not feel, is the absolute joy of the moment, being so full of happiness you want to abandon yourself to the rain or complete contentment in the moment. These are by-products, rewards, of a life that is lived that is full of love and empathy. They are denied these pleasures. Forever. I apologize for the length but hope this clears up the reasons why I vehemently but respectfully, disagree with you.
This last post sounded very bleak. I have written too much today and do not wish to monopolize the board but I do want to make one more point today and then I’ll leave the board alone for awhile with my wordy ramblings of hopefully, thoughtful inspirations. Narcissists want most, whatever it is, that they can not have. Once an empath truly wakes up to the dynamics of narcissists, what they are doing and how to gain control of them to protect others and themselves, it begins to awaken the empath from their reality delusions. In the wake up process, the empath truly realizes the power that they possess because of the gift of true power that results from loving others more than themselves. When they discover this, it is an epiphany, a shocking moment of revelation and enlightenment.
This is visceral and raw power, the stuff of legends, that is used to help, enlighten, heal and protect other people. Real power, not the self-deluded notions of the narcissist. This is the power that has historically, pardon my cursing, scared the living hell out of narcissistic elites. Then there is the shocking realization for narcissists that such an empath is completely and totally beyond their grasp, a truly happy and free creature that they and their systems, can not trap or ever again exercise power or control over. Such empaths become the one thing on this earth, that no elite narcissist could ever possess because they lack the power to do so. Such empaths are good actors and can play them like a fiddle and the more they practice, the better they get. Once empaths begin to wake up to the power they have and start sharing that knowledge with others, it is like a snowball rolling downhill. This, is why Christians, Gnostics and other such peace loving groups have been hunted in the past. The elites, understanding the danger they posed, sought to systematically exterminate them and most especially their knowledge and ideas and have essentially written the truth, out of the history books.
Empaths are a wonderful thing for them to use and abuse. Diametrically opposite is the enlightened empaths who are knowledgeable of their ways and tactics and aware of the true power that empaths possess. Essentially, they need us, we do not need them. This divergent creature is completely incompatible with their goals and is the most dangerous thing in the world to them. They know the crazy, enlightened prophets have always been able to see the future by looking at the past and they have foretold of the narcissists eventual destruction and annihilation. What the prophets never told them, directly, was how this would happen. They veiled the truth in stories, parable, allegories, metaphors and myths, so that seeing, they do not see. Take heart awakened empaths. They won’t see the famine of fuel or the flood of unemotional criticisms coming, until it is too late to stop the snowball from crashing their party that is currently in self-destruct mode because of the very systems of control that they have built. No amount of marijuana legalization, big brother control grids or temper tantrums, will put the awakening giants back to sleep. It is already too late for that!!! To mirror something someone said to me recently, “the genie is out of the bottle,” and can’t be put back in… 🙂
Very well done! After some work with therapists and being here with HG- I ‘believe’ I have achieved this! I am at so much peace (most of the time) he saw me and could not understand why I looked so different- the glow maybe? He got very angry when I told him I was happy “You are no more fucking happy than I am !” I smiled! I have ‘almost’ achieved that —– you spoke so well, thank you!
How are you a god if all you do is destroy?
How are you great if you murder souls?
You cannot see people.
You are too lazy to sustain yourself.
How many suicides of mind and body have you wrought?
Entire societies, genders, identities, races, are destroyed by you.
You are a disease.
You are the ultimate mistake.
YOU ARE ACCOUNTABLE.
To who?
They are not a mistake but they are held accountable for their choices by the very nature of life itself. In order for love to exist at all, it has to come with the ability to choose between it and hate. The “choice” is the critical part. Example: If I have a child and they, can do nothing but love me, by it’s nature, it is not love. It is an automaton, a pre-programmed robot. The ability to choose love instead of hate, is what creates the essence of love. That is why love and hate are both so very powerful. They are both acts of creation and destruction. Choosing love creates love and negates hate. Choosing hate, creates hatred and negates love.
Choosing love nurtures all of life itself. Choosing hate destroys the ability of the hater to live this life at all. Those who choose hate are for all intents and purposes, dead people. Those who choose hate, cut themselves off from life, they are inanimate and anthropomorphic beings, golems, who search desperately to be animated and given some mirrored resemblance of “life” by those who are alive (and especially the brimming with love and full of life empaths). Those who are dead are overcome with wrathful jealousy of life itself, that they are denied by nature of their choices. This wrathful jealousy is why, despite their desire to be “animated” by the living, they also desperately seek to destroy (physically or emotionally) those who are alive and full of love and happiness. Life, full of tender beauty , the warmth of loving kindness and the giving and receiving of all the perks and benefits of love is a gift to those who choose to love others, a gift of those who chose life. No matter how much money, power, status or control they acquire or perceive themselves to have, deep inside they know that they are dead men and women walking the earth. In the end, love really is more powerful than hate and it truly is the gift that just keeps giving and giving, creating all the good and beautiful things possible in this life we live. The dead want you to hate them and thus become dead, as they are. They want love, in order to be animated and pretend that they are living. But no matter how animated they become, it doesn’t change the fact, that they are dead to what life itself means. Life itself, has held them accountable for their choices. To those of you who believe in an Architect, a Creator, as I do, you will understand what I mean when I say that all those who hate that Creator, love death…because they chose an absence of life. They chose death.
There can never be the one. You will always move the finish line, raise the bar in some way. No matter what we do its never enough. No one person will ever be enough.
Ah but this is so ironic as you want it to last forever you want the loving fuel but you are the first to start the game playing ..so what you want is a doormat to whom you can use put downs on and control and use word salad on and hurt yet still love you like they did when you were giving them the golden period … this tells it all really …Thankyou HG
I didn’t believe you were what you claimed when I first read this site. Weak, maladjusted men pretend they’re psycho online – but it’s only too obvious. But this, your “love letter”, could come only from someone like Him. It’s everything he would beg me for (but less wordy and without all the “supply” talk).
My Prince Charming. My handsome, brave, smart, sexy pilot (corporate not commercial). My everything. I could have ignored the rest. I worshipped him even in the darkness he brought and he loved it. Even when I learned what he was which explained so many things. When I learned that his love wasn’t love but he denied it because that would make him less than perfect. He knew not having a soul made him inadequate for me and he hated it. Because hate was his only real emotion.
My Prince Charming. My sick, twisted, depraved man. You wanted me so badly to be all the supply you needed. But those things left me hollow and scared and it was never enough. More and more at my expense. I’m sorry nothing can fix you. I was dying. We had to leave. I know you can’t understand. I was killing myself trying to be like you. You would’ve made an incredible human. You are still our son’s hero.
I’m just an appliance, remember?
I have actually wondered if I’d have been able to continue to provide fuel in exchange for a forever golden period had I known that’s what your only need was. But no, as empathic and empathetic as I am, and as great as the golden period was, I don’t share my toys well, and you need secondaries and your virtual fuel sources. TBH, we wouldn’t have made it as long as we did if we weren’t long distance. Yes, you’re a great kisser, you’ve had lots of experience honing your craft, and you’re an attentive lover, but I now understand that’s because you yourself don’t need or desire intimacy, but there’s just not enough else to your life that I want to participate in. You only have your incessant hunt for fuel. I’m sorry for you. And of course by you I mean him.
The irony is that you let us down first ..so if you really want the continuing adoration and love why do you give us all of the delicious golden period at first and you are the first to change things ? so really YOU are your own saboteur !!
I hate it when I read things like this I feel and think its fair but it’s not since the seduction and everything was/is fabricated .
Thats why I keep repeating myself you didn’t love him . Nor them .
All in vain …. the learnings …
My current lover, who is giving me the silent treatment but creating drama talking to other people, happily twisting reality, seems to be very much a narc and I cannot accept that, I am in denial. 🙁
He might have no use for me anymore, anyways, as he had gone back to his home country, far, far away (more or less, 2 flight hours), thus solving the problem for me … But I’m really having trouble accepting how he is.
If he is not a narc (which he is, something like a lower mid range), he is a complete idiot, at least that’s what everybody says. … (or both). And I am an idiot, too, obviously. 🙁
Everybody tells me, either way, he didn’t / doesn’t treat me right. … as always – I’ve been extremely slow to see that, and much slower not to make excuses for him anymore. 🙁 Ah, and the eternal hope …
Hate to break it to you but no one is that perfect even the most empathetic person is going to have other things and people in their life no one can be at your beck and call 24/7 also self preservation will kick in eventually and best case scenario for you they will become completely broken but then you wouldn’t want them anymore anyway
What relationship does not suffer the let down, boredom etc? Who does not go around saying “Maybe this time”? You call it golden fuel, really it is that, it is golden Light that makes this world worth living in. It is the Life Force. We have not been able to manufacture this gold light/fuel very well yet. When we learn how to keep the gold fuel/energy (whatever designation,doesnt matter, all semantics) pumping, life on Earth won’t suck so bad. Is the difference the levels/frequency of ‘mean’ you give yourself permission to act out?
Is it fair to say ‘the one’ always fails? It would be easier to hold onto the good ones rather than engage in devaluation, but narcville doesn’t allow it.