Try Walking In My Shoes

TRYWALKING INMY SHOES

I always wake before you. This allows me to slip into the en suite and lock the door and deal with the horror of confronting another day without you seeing me endure this daily ritual.  Already I can feel the hunger rising as I stare at my reflection. Is this what I have become? The bleary-eyed, stubbled, exhausted creature that gazes unwaveringly back at me. No, I do not recognise that thing. How old it looks. The lips are thin, the hair thinning and clumped. Its shoulders rounded and slumped in resignation. I feel refreshed from a solid night’s sleep yet whatever is looking back at me does not accord with that feeling. The fear crawls across my skin and I rub at myself trying to dislodge that cold grip but it never works. The inner dread rises as I contemplate another day at the grindstone trying to piece together what I am, that long arduous task which never gets easier. In point of fact, the task becomes more difficult with each passing month as my advancing age screams at me about my mortality. How that banshee tortures me as she howls in my ears about my waning powers. I feel the tears welling as every injustice I have ever suffered is heaped on my shoulders by an uncaring and oblivious world. Does it not see my pain or does it just not care?
My mobile phone is clutched in my hand. I rarely let it leave my side and I place it on the counter besides the sink and then grip the counter as I continue to look at my reflection. My knuckles whiten as I fight the urge to scream at how empty I feel, how bereft I am and how this is so damn unfair. I try to wrench my gaze away but I cannot. I am entranced by what I see. I do not recognise this person. Where has that shock of white come from in the hair above the left temple? That is not me. Its skin looks dry as if it has been subjected to the dehydrating suction of some foul shade that visited in the night. The horror continues to escalate and it is only the chime of my ‘phone which breaks this terrible appreciation of the thing in the mirror.

Grateful for this interruption I shift my eyes to the ‘phone and see that a message has arrived from one of my coterie of admirers, Samantha. The pilot light inside of me flares into life and there is the slightest surge as the fuel begins to flow. I should wait until I have showered but the hunger is too great already and it must be addressed. I open the text message and like a starving man being given his first meal after fasting I devour the words of admiration.

“Good morning handsome, I missed you last night, I will call you when you are at work xxx”

The flame increases in size and strength as I close the message and smile .I turn on the shower letting the stream of water heat up as I flick to the texts that Samantha sent last night whilst I sat on the settee preoccupied with my activity of flitting between her texts and a conversation I was engaging in with a new prospect on facebook. I re-read a handful of the texts from Samantha with their declarations of admiration for me and I feel my strength returning. I put the phone down and step into the shower and relish the hot embrace of the jets of water. The fear has shrunk away and the dread sensation has been pushed back down. I liberally apply the shower gel, enjoying the sophisticated scent as I use a different product on my face, scrubbing away the dead cells and then another to cleanse and wash. I turn the taps and the water stops. I reach for a thick towel and pat my face dry feeling rejuvenated. As I stood beneath the purifying water my keen mind raced whilst I formed my machinations for the day. Always plotting and always scheming. The prospective fuel that will be garnered from the new sources that I am pursuing coupled with the dose of triangulation I will involve you in is causing me to feel excited and powerful. I pick up a bath sheet and admire the toned nature of my body as I dry myself and embark on the next stage of my preparation for the day by shaving and brushing my teeth.

A little while later my phone has chimed again and this time it is a colleague wanting to arrange lunch as he wants my advice since I am an expert on a particular topic he has to present on. The flame inside rises higher now and this spurs on my delinquent mind to consider additional ways to garner that oh so precious fuel during the day. The hunt for fuel is unending. The craven hunger that rumbles inside of me cries out for it and it is my sole preoccupation. The beast inside must be fed. Yet, now I am feeling strong. I haven’t applied my after shave and already two admirers have seen fit to worship at my altar and the games have not even yet to be played. But they will. I reach for the fragrance and splash it into my cupped hands and apply it to my neck as I look to the mirror. The handsome me has returned. The piercing blue eyes shine, the tousled, shiny locks of hair await the application of some wax to style them, the unblemished skin and close shave accentuate my chiselled good looks. I flash that winning smile as another surge of power flows through me. God I look good.

I return to the bedroom, ‘phone in hand and find you have now risen and I can hear the sounds of movement in the kitchen downstairs as you prepare breakfast as you always do. You will shortly bring me a mug of fresh coffee but I think I will complain that it is not hot enough and criticise you, just to see if I can provoke a reaction from you. It should not be too hard, I know precisely what to say. I notice the bed has not been made and rather than attend to it and help you, when you pass me my coffee with a ‘Good morning’ and a smile, I will cock my head towards the dishevelled heap and tut. Ah, yes, the master of games knows his stuff. I dress as another text arrives from another friend who wants to organise a golf game and asks for help with his swing, praising my technique. He is after more than assistance with his golf since he wants me to place work with him. He will have to provide me with more fuel yet to even be considered and of course, I will send the work elsewhere since there is someone who will give me something I want in return in a sweeter form and in larger amounts than my golfing chum. Still, the disappointment on his face will no doubt provide me with a hit too.

I can hear you coming up the stairs and I decide I will take a look in the full length mirror since I am fully attired to admire how elegant I look. I dress in a manner which says to anyone who meets me that the first move is mine. I stand and give a contented nod at my statuesque reflection. I look fantastic. I start to smile and then a bolt of anguish shoots through me as the craven creature that first lurked in the bathroom mirror appears. It is only for the briefest of instances but it causes me to exhale. My expensively-dressed self returns and the relief washes over me in an amazing way. The creature has gone again. He does that though. He likes to make fleeting appearances throughout my day to remind me that I must keep finding fuel. My quest for the potent fuel must be at the forefront of my mind at all times. As if on cue, you enter the bedroom, a veritable reservoir of fuel. You greet me as I cock my head to the unmade bed and tut. I feel the rush of power as your smile evaporates and you look crestfallen. The games have begun and my day is off to a great start. I only hope that creature stays away from me.

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80 thoughts on “Try Walking In My Shoes”

  1. H.G.,
    I believe I understand how naked, vulnerable, and insecure it feels when the falseface is off. although mine is bpd, and has been getting thinner and thinner through the years, and
    there are definite times of which I’m aware it is gone.
    very difficult.i only am exposed for,a couple hours at a time. so i make it thru.
    but its really hard.

  2. HG

    Will the blog be ending.. or just become limited if you haven’t got the time due to all the other things you’re doing which make it difficult to engage in as fully as you used to do?

    1. Hey..HG.. to be honest the answer to that is self-explanatory… No need to reply.

      A daft question.

      And to be fair some of the things I’ve asked were for other people.. someone who doesn’t understand all of this and is pretty new to narcissism, who cannot grasp any concept of any creature in your particular case.. I mentioned there was a book coming up but because you’ve not said anything about it for ages I wanted to know if you was still going to publish it.. because that would be the book this person may benefit from.too…I can’t explain it all.

      They will have to come to the blog by themselves and I won’t take it on myself I have advised them to do this ..but still.
      let them find out about which book is published in which book is let them ask the questions.

      The road to hell is paved with good intentions and its ended up being a frustrating exercise for me personally …something I can do without.

      Perhaps they can pay you for a consultation without my input as to the whys the wherfores and the benefits.

      I don’t need the hassle of any of it.

      As I say there is no need to reply and I will unsubscribe from The Thread.
      Let them come to you themselves and I’ll stay out of it.
      I just don’t need it.

      I have enough to deal with.

    1. Kelfairly, HG can’t leave his narcissism at the door. He is who he is. He’s explained that it’s not “caveman” speak. A bit of a sore subject. He bristles at that. It’s succinct and efficient communication. I’ve learned that Narcs don’t like questions in general and certain questions are most definitely off limits. If somebody asks me a question, I feel compelled to not only answer it (as opposed to ignoring it) but to answer it completely and with more details than necessary. I’m the Chatty Cathy with TMI. I give them my whole life story, all my likes and dislikes, throw everything out there. I’ve been lucky that it’s never been used against me. I’d feel like a worm if I ignored even a text, much less somebody asking a direct question of me. But to them, it’s normal. Deal with it.

      1. I do not mind questions, not at all, but as explained, I am not always in a position to answer each and every one and to suggest a failure to do so is a silent treatment (I know you did not suggest that MB) is inaccurate and therefore has to be addressed.

      2. I 100% understand your position on questions HG. I also know that you don’t manipulate your readers on the blog with silent treatments. For someone to believe that indicates their lack of understanding. I was helping another reader understand what could be conceived as curt answers. I’m just glad you are still here at all with all you have on.

        As far as not liking questions in general, that was meant for my IRL narc. More questions go unanswered than are answered! I’ve learned what topics to avoid. (Most of them! Ha ha) But that’s ok. The less I know, the better.

      3. MB

        I understand your point about it being normal to narcs to answer yes or no and not elaborate.

        I’ve asked a question that could suffice yes or no.

        The information isnt anywhere on the blog but I could find something I’ve mentioned in my reply….. I checked before I asked.

        The suggestion about silent treatment was me.

        I said is it one?

        When I received the response about how HG could not reply to everything I have put a reply to that…
        A measured and reasonable reply which outlines my reasoning for asking.

        It remains in moderation.

      4. DebbieWolf, there’s no telling how many are in moderation! It’s hard not to let it hurt our feelings at times, but we have to remember that it’s not personal. Don’t let it get you down.

      5. Come on! This guy could in no way ever answer all these questions. It boggles my mind how he is able to answer as many as he does, do consultations, work and hunt for supply. I’ve wondered if there is an assistant Narc lol.

        With that said, this guy is under no obligation to answer anyone’s questions. It’s interesting to me that I see here quite often people feeling entitled to having their questions answered and annoyed if they aren’t. Perhaps my Narcissistic tendencies are coming out here, but honestly if it were me, I’d honestly be setting people straight on that but I find he’s pretty diplomatic about it.

      6. Thank you Lori, I am pleased you recognise this and sum it up accurately – aside from there is no assistant here.

      7. I totally agree with what you’ve said Lori. I fear my point was missed, re “narc fashion”. I think HG understood what I meant.

  3. Thank you for confirming how hollow you people are. The narc I was with used to look in the mirror and complain. And I would listen and tell him how young he still looked. Anyway, the craziness must have preserved him, he did look at 50 like 35, nobody believed his age. As a woman, it seemed ridiculous to reassure a man about his looks. Pathetic. And boring. Memento Mori, pretentious, public schooled, sterile, spiritless, cliché joggler fool. The same time as

  4. H.G.- If a recent ex moves on quickly after being discarded and you find out about it are you pissed to the point it causes a hoover or is your mindset “game on” type? After all, we do belong to you in your mind right?

    1. It depends on a variety of factors. The fact you are with someone else usually raises the hoover bar (for Lesser and Mid Range Narcissists) but other relevant factors may still cause a hoover to happen since the fact you are with someone else is just one factor in many, of the Hoover Execution Criteria.

  5. The empath is your shield against the creature. Your distraction. You torment the empath after a while because the distraction can’t last.

    I hope treatment helps you to accept that you must fight the creature yourself and be your own shield the way we have to be our own shield as you teach us we must.

    The narcissist mantra do as I say not as I do must be shelved.

    We all have our demons and you encourage us to find ours fight them and then get out and stay out of abuse by facing our inner selves as to why we put up with some things.
    How we may not believe in ourselves how we are not good enough all these things that we’re taught somehow somewhere..
    The imprints of other abuses…

    You too.

    You: nothing will change why should it change it is impossible etc etc. Why should I when I am effective etc etc.

    Is it truly effective when it doesn’t last ??when things go stale the creature comes back?

    Then the empath must be blamed or anybody.. this is a refusal to stand your own ground against the creature and do whatever you must do to fight this in yourself the way we have to.
    The way you tell us that we must do this.
    On our own.

    Of course it’s not bloody easy..!

    As empaths and survivors of narcissistic abuse show.. no it’s not easy but just as we have to fight the demons/things/whatevers that caused us to be distracted by narcissists… So must you fight your creature yourself and stop using scapegoats.

    This is like teaching an old woman to suck eggs as they say by writing any of this comment… But it is not meant to be patronising or condescending in any way..
    But it is to say that in essence we are brothers and sisters in arms with you.

    We are not the enemy.
    But you are our enemy when you abuse.
    The real enemy is what we are inside that we cannot deal with and if we haven’t got to be weak as you put it then neither have you..

    I mean no disrespect but you’ve got to fight this creature yourself…
    there is no success in repeating something that ultimately isn’t working for you.

    Even though you say you are effective you are not in the long term because the creature keeps coming back.

    You’ve got to face this thing HG… Just like we have to face things HG.
    I hope and Pray that your treatment and doctors will help you with this and help you ‘accept’ this and help you face this help you master this.

    I do not wish as I say to sound condescending or patronizing very far from it… But we are talking about self fuel.
    And anything extra being a bonus and something welcome and decent.
    Something that is permanent or at the very least long-lasting.

    Unless we fix the things inside we will constantly fail.
    To repeat the same things for the same outcome that is undesired is not success.

    One day if you can fight this creature without the help of an empath’s pain and hurt… Well then there will be power.

    More power than you’ve ever known.
    It is the power of yourself that came from you alone.
    True power.
    Self generated power.

    Do not be disheartened by this or irritated by it. That is the creature talking.

    We have emotional thinking and have to quell it in certain circumstances…
    We have to do it by ourselves…
    with help and support which is basically information and then we must apply this alone..

    You have the creature to quell in the same way.

    Do not let the creature come forward irritated by this.. push him down.
    You can.

    Treatment should help you learn more effectively how to do this so that he does not come back.

    We understand about having to push things down that are not good for us..
    We get it here.
    You think it is weak if we do not push it down.

    So we have things in common do we not?

    HG you have had our backs.
    You must know that we have yours.

    Don’t let the creature dishearten you.. don’t let him irritate you… do not let it stop you from being everything you want to be without him.

    Do not allow it to mask your hearing.

    With all due respect and true care,
    Deb x.

  6. I know who the creature is …..he is the Verbal assaults : the moron , the stinky , pitiful piece of shit, the dumb ass , the loser , the cry baby , the fucking idiot ..the.disgusting retard and …on and on ….the names your mother called you , maybe father called you, and slapped you while saying it …and yelled in your face when they were having an episode or fit or rage …..I say father also , because ,…..he at least heard your mother at some point..and ignored her and didn’t pull her hair and slap her right back for humiliating his son.

    Then ….within minutes : the fake manipulated touching ….and ice cold hugs of fake affection pressing on your little body confusing and disgusting you at the same moment .

    All the names that stuck in your head with a stinging , shocking hard slap to your little face ….pinned on your forehead and leaking out when fuel is low .

    1. It’s kind of like playing the game Clue sometimes when we get a one word answer. It’s like you flashed a card at us of Colonial Mustard, and we have to wait for our next turn for the next word clue. Kidding!

      1. Kelfairly, In true narc fashion, HG answers the question he is asked concisely with little to no elaboration. If a yes/no question is asked, he will give a yes/no answer usually with no further explanation. There is no time or energy to be wasted. Most people feel the need to explain their answer adding further details and reasons. I find this typical of narcissists. They owe you nothing and don’t care what your imagination comes up with in the absence of answers. It’s frustrating to the truth seeker and they know it.

      2. MB

        I do not believe HG just answers in true “narc fashion” I believe he doesn’t have as much time as we do. He is balancing many things in different areas of his life from personal, professional, consults, time writing his books and articles, posting comments for the blog, YouTube, Twitter, etc.

      3. Twilight, I am usually one of the first to defend HG. I am not criticizing. I am stating a fact that we all already know. The man is a narcissist! It comes through on the blog sometimes if you’re paying attention. So what?!? It’s good education. He can’t leave it at the door any more than we can leave our empathic traits.

      4. MB

        I didn’t think you were criticizing HG.
        I know you defend HG and “love” his YouTube videos.

        Yes he is a narcissist, and one that spends incredible amount of time writing books and articles, moderating this blog, audio and email consults, Twitter in this he reads everything, recording YouTube videos, now add his professional life (anyone that works understands this is time consuming), add a personal life that consist of juggling not just an IPPS yet 2 IPSS and god only knows DLS then add “fun” time ex. Footballs games Concerts etc with NISS and tertiary sources.

        I believe people forget or don’t take this into account and fall back on ones ET and what their narcissist did/does when he gives “caveman” answers and/or doesn’t respond.

        I do not see his narcissism as the root cause for they way he answers or doesn’t answer here. I do understand why one would see his answers to be coming from this. The word narcissist is a subconscious trigger once a person understands that is what they were involved with and will see certain traits as such regardless of any reason behind things. This is an emotional triggering topic and people take it personal then fall back on he is a narcissist this is what they do.

        Hg’s “Narc fashion” of not answering or not explaining is a choice. We have this same choice, many just chose not to be it due to conditioning or what not. The bottom line is we know we have a choice we just chose to follow what we were “trained” to do because it is the least resistance and “comfortable “.

      5. Twilight, the “narc fashion” gives him the ability to answer a question without the need to expand or explain. That is what I meant. I tend to be wordy, apologetic, etc. He never feels the need to defend his position when asked a direct question. He doesn’t owe anybody that. I can see it. It’s not a criticism. In fact, I admire it. My mother always tells me, “No is a complete sentence.” She knows I volunteer too much information at times.

      6. MB
        “My mother always tells me, “No is a complete sentence.”

        My first thought when reading this was that “No” has neither a subject nor a verb (requirements for a complete sentence). Guess that’s the teacher in me. Ha, ha!

      7. MB
        Oh, I understood that. I’d still have automatically corrected her though. 😝

      8. WS, if she had said that to me as a child, I probably would have corrected her too. My sassy mouth kept me in trouble at home. I was a challenging child. We get along great now.

      9. MB
        I don’t think anyone would ever have considered me “sassy.” I was the even more obnoxious type of child that calmly pointed out all inaccuracies and what was not logical. What my Pretzel MnM would call “brutally honest.” I learned over time to remove the “brutal” part so as not to hurt people. But never with my mother. She always got brutal honesty from me.

      10. WS, obnoxious? I just can’t see that.

        I was sassy, which means I talked back. My smart mouth and stubbornness was what always got me into trouble. I despised being told what to do and I still do. She tried to break me with washing my mouth out with soap, the fly swat, switches. It didn’t matter, I would take the punishment and rebel all the more. She told me she finally gave up. I wore her down. I was gonna do me if it harelipped the Pope! She was that mother that always said, “I hope you have a daughter just like you!” Ha ha, I showed her. I had two boys that have challenged me very little.

      11. MB
        My parents had both been abused by being beaten with various implements and having the soap mouth-washing (their fathers were lessers). They would only spank me with their hands.

        I defied and contradicted my mother all the time, because what she told me was obviously false. She just became increasingly hateful, bitter and sarcastic.
        Mama always said that like a curse to me, too – “I hope you have a daughter just like you!” To which I would spitefully reply, “I hope I do, too. I sure won’t treat her like you treat me!”

        After one of these times I was upset, complaining to my Pretzel what she’d said and I asked him what he thought about it.
        His reply was, “No, I don’t think she’s correct at all. I think you’ll have a daughter just like her.” I had nightmares about that for years….

      12. WS, I was not “beaten”. I don’t feel like I was physically abused. It wasn’t like that. I deserved every punishment I received and more. I didn’t use corporal punishment with my children, but I grew up in a different time. My mother was not a narcissist and once I became an adult, i realized that she did the best she knew how considering her age and her upbringing. I’ve always been an independent thinker. A leader, not a follower. I’ve never conformed and I am proud my spirit was not broken. She is too now. Both of my parents are proud of the way I turned out. They did pretty good after all 🙂

      13. MB
        I’m sure both your parents are proud of you!

        I didn’t mean that you were beaten or abused. I meant both my parents were and therefore they were determined not to repeat that with me!

        I used logic and reasoning with my own children and always explained the why when I told them not to do something. But I still spanked them and my kids spank my grandchildren.

        With small children corporal punishment is sometimes necessary, if you live near things that can kill them. If you’re afraid your 4 yr old might drown in a nearby pond and he is incapable or unwilling to understand your warnings, then you catch him out by the pond, a hard spanking might be what saves his life. Maybe the next time he’s chasing a frog fear of another spanking keeps him away from the water. There were just too many ways they could get hurt badly or kill themselves on the farm. It’s far too common in rural areas for one child to accidentally kill another child while outside playing.

      14. Windstorm
        Isnt it interesting how your parents thought that they were better parents because they didn’t beat you but used other manipulations? Twisted.

      15. NarcAngel
        Give them their due – they were better than their own parents. They rectified the faults they understood.

      16. MB
        I’ve told this here before. My husbands mother used to wash out mouths with soap for swearing. She tells (while he laughs) that he would wait until she was on the phone (corded in those days) and then run around swearing while she motioned for him to stop. Once when she put her hand over the receiver and threatened to wash out his mouth when she got off the phone, he appeared with a bar of soap just out of her reach and scraped it several times on his bottom teeth, then took off for hours on his bike. Can you imagine the Devil’s spawn that we would have produced? Haha.

      17. Great story NA. I hadn’t heard that story about him before. I didn’t swear. I just talked back and was a smart mouth. What he did sounds like what I’d do, other than going off on my own. I’d hide in my room and wait for my eventual spanking. My father never administered punishment other than the stern “talking to” after he got home from work. Once after she washed my mouth out with the soap, she asked something to the effect of, “now, how did you like that?” I told her it would be better if she would get strawberry flavored soap. And…yeah, I got it again! Deserved it, but as I said, it never did any good. Once she was washing dishes, hands in the suds. I didn’t think she would do anything so I smarted off something. She popped me right on the lips with that sudsy hand. Yes, I was quite a challenge. But I was an absolute angel at school. The teachers would go on and on at parent conferences about how smart and well behaved I was. She would say, “are you sure you’re talking about MY child?” Looking back now, I’m sure I was just seeking attention at home. I didn’t have to act out to get it at school. Almost always was teacher’s pet.

      18. This would be a lot easier if we could be on a conference call or a webinar or a meet up!! I just want to make it clear I thought nothing negative about HG, in fact I thought sometimes his short answers were him being humorous. I’m amazed at how wonderful he is for taking the time to read our posts and for answering them, and I also understand MB pointing out that narcissist normally answer questions as short and sweet as is efficiently necessary.

      19. Kelfairly
        Except if the narcissist is a cerebral. Then when you want a simple yes or no, you get a lecture. Lol!

      20. Ha, ha! I’ve had 45 years of experience listening to a cerebral answer questions! Not only will they give you a lecture you don’t want/need to hear to what should have been a simple yes/no question, but over time you’ll hear that same lecture again and again and again. The term “ad nauseum” was probably coined by one cerebral to describe another. Lol!

      21. Windstorm
        StepNarc was a Lesser who THOUGHT he was a Cerebral which resulted in mind-numbing monologues that in retrospect make me realize I would have spent less time in prison for his murder than I would have listening to him. It wouldnt have been so bad if I could have actually learned something, but his facts were often so bad I wonder if he wasn’t the original founder of todays fake news. I don’t believe in an afterlife but if there is one – guaranteed he’s talking the legs off a table right now or debating blood transfusions with Jehovah Witnesses (he actually used to invite them onto the porch to do just that. True story).

      22. NarcAngel
        I am so blessed to not have any lessers in my immediate family!

        Your comment made me laugh. My Pretzel MnM’s great-grandmother used to invite Jehovah Witnesses in, listen to their spiel, then when she had them trapped, explain the “truth” to them, while they squirmed to escape. Made everyone in the family laugh!

        Gave a problem I’d get your input on. This is a day I never know how to deal with. It was 41 years ago today that we got married. I can’t help but feel it should be remembered and celebrated in some way. But for the life of me don’t know how. Since we still have a fairly decent relationship, I feel like my Pretzel should be included, but even some one as bizarre as me sees the incongruity of celebrating a wedding anniversary with a man I divorced. Any ideas?

      23. Windstorm
        Congratulations?? Haha, wasn’t sure if that was appropriate for the occasion. Thats tricky. Have you celebrated this previously and does it involve the gathering of other people?. If it’s just you two, I might ask him to dinner and tell him that I wanted to acknowledge the beginning of our journey together regardless our present status because it is important to ME and has brought us to this day together still all of these years later. Then I’d probably stick him with the bill, gift him with a bag of Pretzel M&Ms and let him figure it out lol.

        Let me know what you decide on.

      24. Well, we were engaged for 4 years before we married. I would NEVER involve a gathering of other people in a celebration. Maybe i should take your advice for the anniversary of our engagement- December 8, for the invitation to dinner at his favorite restaurant. Definitely stick him with the bill. He’ll never remember the significance of that date. He hates candy, so Pretzel MnMs would just make him wonder, probably ask the meaning. I am incapable of lying, so I don’t want to go there! Never a good thing with a greater!

        I’ve already had too much to drink to drive 50 miles to have dinner, even if he wanted to. I did think of taking him to his favorite restaurant, (that I don’t care for) but was too hesitant to make plans. Too wussy, to be honest. Afraid he would respond in a negative way. I’ll see if he calls this evening.

        Thank you for your input. I’ll keep u posted.

      25. I know what you mean Kel. Can you imagine all of us in a Go To Meeting! OMG! Fun! HG, you could get a minion on that. Have them create some slides to go along with your presentation. We can raise our virtual hands if we have a question. It’s the closest we can get to a Narcsite Summit.

  7. Memories from high school, but I think another Depeche Mode song title? Yes it is. Damn you, HG. You are this trigger into the 14 yr old me.

    1. The wound caused by the rejection will be addressed by the provision of fuel, drawn as a consequence of ignited fury. See the books Fury and also No Contact.

    2. Very good question and no, LOL, they never get over it, regardless of whether that rejection comes pre or post devaluation. It will always haunt them. All those who want nothing to do with them, offends their fake selves and over-inflated egos. Who would not want to be with someone as special as them? They just try to keep it from popping up in their minds, reminding them they really aren’t that special just an empty collection of bits and pieces of other people.

      1. I have to say with the limited amount of info I see here I would have to say I think it has. I can’t cite an exact example but something has changed a bit about you.

  8. I wish somehow you were able to develop a program for yourself, so you could desensitize yourself to the creature.

      1. “Pity is a staple of the mid-ranger and victim diets.”

        MB – THIS…ugh.

        P.S. I think HG has said elsewhere that he prefers admiration.

  9. I walk in the Codepebdent shoes which isn’t entirely different from yours however, it’s not the deep need that you have. It isn’t the get the admiration or cease to exist feeling but nonetheless I too often look outside myself to determine my worth on any given day and even that can get a little exhausting, but I do not cease to exist if I do not obtain it. So I can only imagine how tiring it is day after day to be a complete slave to the creature and it’s need for fuel

  10. Wow, this is a great piece of education.

    I can definitely see my MMRN going through this. Also explains why he would often text very late at night, knowing I’d respond first thing in the morning to start his day with a little fuel.

    HG how long can you be alone before you feel the pressure to gain fuel? A few hours? A day or two?

      1. I think that’s an excellent question Supeenova has, and I’ve wondered it too. My boss has left a manager meeting, I’m sure feeling drained, to get fueled and go back in. In Fuel you gave a point system, but you collected it constantly. How long does it take to go from full to low fuel level? And can you get through a day if you’re alone without fuel if you don’t need to wear a mask? Or construct?! (I know you, you’ll make a joke about a mask and not answer my question!)

      2. May I give an example by way of gaining further clarity please:

        If you are out for dinner/drinks with friends, so are well fuelled to start, and come home to an empty house well fuelled, and then work or do a hobby alone….how long before you feel the urge to pick up your phone and start texting appliances?

        Thank you

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