Angel of My Creation

ANGELOF MYCREATION

I still remember with breath-taking clarity the first time I fell in love. I was 17 and there was a girl in my class called Amanda. She was tall, gamine and with a slightly upturned nose. Her hair was blonde and long, always sweeping behind her.. She always seemed to be hurrying from one place to the next, yet she did so with a measured glide that made her seem somehow ethereal. I would stand and watch her as she bustled along the corridor in college, her hockey stick poking from her bag and apologies issued from that enticing mouth as the stick bumped against people. I would position myself in class so I could look at her without her noticing. I sat at seven o’clock to her and I drank in her frame as it was hunched over the desk, those long fingers gripping her fountain pen, the blue ink staining her index finger. How I loved her slender wrists which would often be turned towards me, the skin slightly paler than the rest of her sun-kissed self. Her figure was athletic, her skin lightly tanned and there was always a clean scent about her. Whenever she passed me I would breathe in as deep as I could to savour every molecule of her fragrance that washed over me. I would lie in bed, my eyes closed and invent scenarios for us to meet and spend time together. I imagined protecting her from those that would seek to defile such a precious person as I knew full well of the darkness that lurked waiting to trap someone as pure as her. I knew my kind and what went on in our minds. I masturbated frenetically conjuring up images of her naked frame enveloped around mine, her soft lips pressed onto my cheek. I could not resist the allure she exhibited yet I cursed myself after my climax for allowing me to think of her in this way. Occasionally she would smile at me and leave me dizzy with elation.

Carefully I built up a portfolio of information about her. There was no internet to aid me then and my intelligence was gathered through a combination of observation and discrete questioning of her friends. I knew where she lived, in a small town along from mine and her bedroom was at the front of the house above the main entrance. She often rode a bike and on a Saturday morning she would go horse riding. I learned she was a fan of Duran Duran and had something of a crush on Simon le Bon when she had been in her younger teens. I knew she enjoyed playing a lot of sport and her favourite drink was Vimto. Little by little I noted all of this down and then memorised it in readiness of the day that we spoke. I envisaged how I might ask her to go on a date with me. I thought about the two of us going to see a film together, something a little scary so that those delightful fingers might reach out and grab mine by way of reassurance. I wondered if she could ice skate and if not how she could hold onto me as we moved about the rink. I longed to hold her hand and let my fingers caress her clean, clean skin.

I never saw any evidence of a boyfriend although I knew from what other lads in the class said that they fancied her. Inside I churned when I heard them refer to her in a sexual fashion. She was not theirs to be spoken of in that way and during history lessons I would plot how I would cause those leering fools to suffer for their graphic slurring of my beautiful Amanda.

All through that first year of sixth form college I loved her with a noble purity and never spoke to anyone of how I felt about her, but I knew that it was love. How could this powerful sensation I felt each time I saw her, heard her or smelt her, be anything else? The summer holiday was a painful hiatus and my sporadic passes of her home never produced a glimpse of Amanda. I once walked up to the front door and nearly posted a note through her letterbox, but my nerve failed me and I retreated down the path.

Once Autumn arrived and with it the start of the upper sixth, I returned to college with expectant enthusiasm. As I settled into my usual seat and waited for her to glide into the class room I wondered if she had changed much over the summer holiday. The teacher arrived and commenced the lesson, but there was no Amanda. She made no appearance all that week. Nor the next. My sleep was fragmented with concern as to her whereabouts and eventually I asked our form tutor. He explained that her family had moved abroad over the summer owing to her father’s job. He did not know the exact whereabouts. My fury at losing her was monumental but I kept it within, as I had been taught, not wanting the world to know of the agony that I bore. I tried to ascertain where she had gone but my questions bore no fruit.

The decades have passed and I have looked for her again and again. I have used technology to try and locate her but there has been nothing. Her name may have changed and thus she eludes me. I have checked her old friends’ profiles to see if she is amongst their friends but she remains elusive. I have had to carry the burden of my lost love all this time and though I have sought sanctuary in the soft embrace of countless ladies, each time hoping that Amanda will appear to me through their embrace or their fragrance, every time I am left broken and bitterly disappointed. None of them come close to that angel which graced my class room. None of them equal her purity and grace, her unsullied manner and gracious movements. My love for Amanda was perfect and I feared it could never be matched. Each and every time they show such promise and every time they leave me disappointed and full of bile as they fall monstrously short of her perfection. I will not give up on my angel, I never shall, for it is with her that I shall find salvation.

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216 thoughts on “Angel of My Creation”

  1. Narcs live in their minds planning plotting ,. Fantasy and illusions . Simpler times when he remembers innocence …never content with what they have in the now , present moment doesn’t bring contentment . I’ve heard comments about “soiling “ a woman/ girl from narcs in my life. It seems mine is trying to make me seem innocent again ….and then once innocence is controlled they want wild / and heavy makeup , bright red lips and trashy . Always something different than what’s sitting next to them ….they don’t know.

    Sexual abuse by a parent or authority figure makes a child disgusted in sex , but , in constant need of love admiration . Being touched sexually triggers bad memories of both pleasure / pain and disgust . Sexual abuse ruins the joy , maybe forever . I have a brother married to a woman who was sexually assaulted by her father when young . I have in-laws who are anorexic , I have alcoholic siblings …

  2. Or maybe the title Angel of my creation refers to his creation as a narc… Hmmmm
    But I do not think Amanda had much to do with you developing NPD.

  3. As many have suggested, I also think Amanda is a creation of the narcissist’s psyche that represents the unattainable perfect love that they are always longing for but never find. It is the fantasy of the soulmate that many of us may have and that may boost (fuel) us throughout life.
    The real Amanda, the one HG met when he was 17, was “different” because she was his first love. It seems first loves are more important than people think because it is the first time a person’s brain is making neuronal connections with regards to love. HG was more innocent at this age, not quite the narcissist he became later, therefore his “love” for Amanda may seem more sincere and pure and this may intrigue HG.
    In “Voice of an Angel” it seems to me he even suggests he felt there was a connection between the two of them just like the one Catherine and Heathcliff of Wuthering Heights had. Soulmates being separated and her spirit haunting him his whole life.
    However, since the title of this post is Angel of my Creation, I think he is aware that there is an idealization of Amanda on his part.
    Who knows, maybe he is just looking for her just to put an end to his fantasy about her being his soulmate or the only one he has really loved.
    I personally have many theories about Amanda and, although it is fun to speculate about her, it is also a waste of time because we do not have all the information. Hopefully, he will tell us one day.

      1. Hi NA,
        Yes, the title and the last paragraph of the post say it all. Amanda became a construction in HG’s psyche that creates contrast, (infatuation and disappointment) that keeps the mechanism going.
        I now believe he is just trying to show us how the myth of the One in the narcissist’s mind works and presents it as it was formed in his mind and still is sometimes. I don’t know.
        But your comment about the gay heavy smoking Amanda gave me a good laugh.

  4. Unrequited love uhhhh 🙁
    How old where you when you realised you were a Narc? It sounds like you never knew at this point in your life and you thought you were in love rather than craving her fuel.

  5. Meanwhile in some little corner of the world………

    A woman with a choppy hair cut in various colors as to remind one of a bag of skittles worries at a jagged fingernail before reaching for another cigarette. It will be her third cigarette and second coffee in the last hour, but she has lost count while engrossed in the time suck that is Facebook.

    She is amazed at the relative ease with which you can locate people from your past by simply keying in their name. Some women like herself prove a little more elusive due to name changes from marriage, but hopping from friend list to friend list remedies that in most cases due to the popularity of the ‘selfie’.

    Her stomach protests and she visualizes the contents of the refrigerator, searching for something that will satisfy without adding to her thickening middle, when she comes across a photo. She remembers him from that first year of sixth form college. Blonde haired, with blue eyes that she imagined would be piercing if he had been able to hold her gaze long enough. She knew that he watched her from his seat, and also in the halls where he would position himself for her passing, and where she would sometimes flash him the smile she knew he waited for. That they all waited for. She knew what boys thought and said about her and she smiles at the memory.

    What they could not know was that it could never be reciprocated. Her father’s profession prevented any relationships from taking root because inevitably there would be a transfer that meant a move for the whole family. She had become used to being nomadic, and keeping things superficial with friends and aquaintances eased the difficulty of those moves. It also made it easier to keep her secret. One that could not be shared in that very different time. One that would necessitate relationships and marriages that she could not maintain. That the grace and beauty they admired in her was secretly reserved for other girls (and later women) who would enjoy the freshness of her scent and the thrill of her touch. Not men.

    She looks at the photo again and traces his face with her nicotine stained finger. “Lovely HG, It could never be, so it was better that I left and that you never knew. I hope you have gone on to do wonderful things and are happy in a way that you could never have been with me”.

    Amanda closes the laptop and rises to search the refrigerator.

    1. NarcAngel, Very nice! Well done. HG might still be enticed picturing a trio with his angel lesbian, but the smoking part is no doubt a deal breaker.

  6. Amanda the angel –

    was your first PREY, but she got away!!
    And so, every woman can never match the AMANDA. Course, if you had gone out with Amanda, she would have turned from Angel to devil pretty quickly, then back again.

    My husband used to go on about a girl in his class. She was miss perfect, all the boys fancied her, she was his friend. He had always loved her, they had grown up together, she modelled tights. He used this girl – who he never saw after school again – to try and make me jealous and insecure.
    Look, I was pure – virginal when I met My husband. He thought that purity was so amazing and wonderful – but he used me like a door mat anyway. Someone to rub his feet on.

    So much for angels – but he was a devil.

      1. NA, it’s different. Amanda had no choice but to move with her family because she was underage. I don’t view it as a planned escape or getting away.
        To me, the one who “got away” would be one who interacted with HG, saw the red flags, and walked away unscathed with no damage. Hats off to whomever pulls that off. 😉

      2. Clarece
        You’re right of course in that regard. I should have said she proved to be different instead of she was different, in that he never got to experience her in a relationship (other than in his mind and his fist lol) so he is able to continue to idolize her. I think if she actually exists/existed it is only for demonstration purposes and triangulation or he would have located her by now, because if we proposed someone’s whereabouts were unattainable, in true narc fashion he would claim that we underestimate him and conduct a PowerPoint presentation to show us that we were wrong and demonstrate exactly how it could be done.

      3. Lisa
        Neither. Canada. Where any day now I’m expecting there will be a Bill passed to change the leaf on our flag.

      4. NarcAngel, your reply to me about the empath ego, i think your right. This can look like a narcissist , if empathy is given in an unauthentic way, giving to get is manipulative. Giving to covertly want something in return is not authentic and authentic is not about always being nice. A healthy empath gives without attachment to outcome and if it’s received with abuse or bad behaviour they move on and are not stuck trying to fix and get the appreciation they think they deserve while feeling secretly resentful they are not getting back what they are giving. If any of that makes sense ha ha

      5. Hi Lisa
        Haha. Yes, I understood you and it is in line with what I meant about the ego of the empath. We can be just as determined to have the outcome we want, or think should be,as the narcissist in some cases. I think that for example when I see victims competing with other victims (I’m a better fuel source, better looking, more intelligent). Or staying when we know something is wrong because we know we are good and right and we change them.

    1. I think amanda is always the one who got away, the one yet to meet and the shiney new fuel source until infatuation is replaced by reality. No one can ever be amanda to a narcissist. Amanda doesnt exist. Amanda is infatuation the narcissists true love and its got a shelf life.

  7. MB, I’ve understood that British public schools despite their name are quite the opposite of public schools in the US. More for the little HGs in their shorts and tweed jackets learning Greek and Latin for later purposes of swiping you off your feet. So no ghetto blasters in the background there.

    1. Siberian, good to know, re public schools in the UK. I took it as the writer of the comment insulting his writing. That just won’t do when I’m around!

  8. Next time HG is doing his narc alert check list – blogs. The narcs first love should be mentioned !! Whilst normal people can have a heartbreaking first love – the narcs will be amplified in my opinion.
    It will either be the one that got away (the angel, saint ) or the one that damaged the narc or both . They will claim they were normal before that evil one. There’s nothing like a good ex story from a narc

      1. The stadium is packed ! I really would like to visit and watch a football game in London’s stadium . I don’t enjoy them here …too loud ;-(

  9. HG, why didn’t you talk to Amanda? And why didn’t she notice you? By 17, boys have chased around a lot of school girls, especially if they’re somatic, even if they don’t know they are yet.

      1. Is Amanda or any of your other girlfriends included as a character in your upcoming Narc Tales? Or, as NA suggested, any of the characters based on any of the readers?

      2. Clarece
        I saw Indy in the baker and in “knitting hats of hope” in his tales but I guess it is just my imagination. Just as if I ever see an empath stamping their feet in one of his tales I will think its you due to an earlier exchange lol.

      3. NarcAngel
        Perhaps saying characters were “based on” commenters is not accurate. Rather some commenters/comments may have been a muse stimulating his creativity.

  10. Wow that is sad. I wonder if you would not have been a narcissist if that love was reciprocated. Maybe it could have saved your victims.

    1. How naive…He was 17 y.o. You can’t change narcissist when he’s already 17. And her fate would be the same as fate his other victims.

      1. K

        Agreed.
        Everybody is perfect in the beginning.
        Infatuation and on the pedestal is all part and parcel of the whole thing at the beginning.
        This time it will work etc.
        The only difference I say to back then is the experience in time. The not knowing that the mindset would develop into everybody letting him down all the time.

        Life is a balance of success and failure for everyone.
        There is no such thing as constant success and no such thing as constant failure.

        It cannot be the case that everybody repeatedly lets one particular individual down all of the time.
        It’s a matter of perception if one individual believes that every single person in the world has let them down and is against them.

        Amanda would fair no differently.. it was just early days.

  11. And I loved reading about his emotions and feelings… true or not, his words expressed something different, refreshing… something beautiful about himself. Thank you HG.

  12. Amanda is his good side; his feminine representation. That’s why he fell in love with her. It is like falling in love with himself.
    As we fell in love with ourselves when we fell in love for our narcs….
    Amanda is the good female version of HG…

  13. Salvation does not come from outside.

    It comes from within.

    No other can fix you or save you.

    You must take responsibility and be accountable for yourself…..except you revile doing these very things.

  14. She is an angel, and God’s looking out for her!
    Duran, Duran, 17 years, puts you around 50 more or less.

    1. Damn, don’t tell me my narc was HG. He is 50 and British too 😊 oh, and has the same faux literary flair sprinkled with public school vocabulary!

      1. Your age matters to me in your answers from your level of ‘maturity’ or wisdom from being older, or lack of from being younger. I don’t know, I might be the only one not swooning over you. I at least need a golden period for that as I very much realize you’re a narcissist and that alone doesn’t turn me on. Much as I love British accents and humor! HG, please don’t be wounded, but in the Bleak of the Midwinter, your deep British accent sounded a tinge uppity, which I don’t think accounts for narcissism so much as a superior aristocratic upbringing? I couldn’t hear blue eyes and blonde hair in your deep voice, not that it matters.

      2. Vera, “public school vocabulary”. That was low. And untrue. I went to public school and there were no HGs there. “Faux literary flair”. You’re hurting my heart, Girl!

      3. MB, Just a translation for you: in the UK ‘public school’ is what ‘private school’ is in the US.

      4. SMH, thank you for that. I was ‘bout to fight, ha ha. So what do they call public school?

      5. MB
        I imagine the Tudor clan refers to public schools as: Learning receptacles for the great unwashed.

      6. MB, I was thinking the same thing! I thought that was the ultimate low blow and was about ready to get my popcorn.

      7. MB, state schools. It can be confusing. For instance, occasionally HG refers to ‘college’ (which he might even have done in this post) but in the UK ‘college’ is the final two years of HS. If you are bound for higher education, I believe the type of college is called a ‘sixth form.’ When you finish sixth form, you attend a Uni (University obvs!)

      8. SMH, thank you for that. Yes, we call 10th-12th grade “high school” and Uni/University “college”. If you are college bound, the curriculum you take in high school is more advanced than the state requirements for a high school diploma.

      9. SMH
        Thanks for the tutorial on British schools. I knew the public school, but not the college. I’ve always wondered why they say university instead of college.

        Can you explain the university degrees? How does a bachelors, masters and PhD equate with their university degrees? And when they say they got a “double first” was that in their college or uni?

        Thanks!

      10. WS, I had to Google “double first” one time early on when I was reading. They call it University in Canada too. Their British influence is evident in some of the ways they put things.

      11. MB
        I’ve googled “double first” too, but the explanations I found didn’t explain it in relation to our degrees. My best guess was a baccalaureate with a double major, but that belief may be incorrect, since you know by at least your senior year that you’ll end up with a double major. There’s no surprise or anticipation, unless you totally blow a required class your last semester.

      12. I made a mistake and left out the r. Googling Double Fist will only add to your confusion. Trust me.

      13. Windstorm, The degrees are the same (BA, MA, PhD). I think a double first would be the BA and mean the person graduated with the equivalent of a double major, with the highest grades in each, but I am not certain of that. It’s very esoteric. Only British people seem to understand it.

  15. Narc or no narc. I find it rather sad. No doubt best Amanda got away, but can’t help thinking HG, you may have ‘seen the light ‘ at such a young age. Could it have helped? Only you know that.

  16. HG i didn’t think you could love. So Would she still get the devaluation period if you found her ? Is this a obsession with one source ?

      1. HG, your response to this is interesting , because about a year ago, maybe more , i commented on this post , saying it wouldn’t be any different with Amanda and you replied that it would be different with her . This may just have been the mood you were in that day and the reply you fancied giving , but it’s interesting you now say the truth. Is this you evolving in your understanding of yourself as each year goes by or is it the answer you feel like giving on the day , depending on your mind set that day ?

  17. Dear HG,

    I wish for you that someday you will not be completely disappointed. But you must know, that no one can fulfill you dream of perfection. We are all disappointed at some time with someone we love.

    Even one as perfect as you will someday disappoint, you even plan for this eventuality. Maybe not consciously, but you do. For your disappointment in your other, they will pay,with their own disappointment in who you let them think you are.

    Life, and no one in it is perfect. It never will be. The thing is to know how to enjoy life and people anyway.

    I would wish you joy in your life, but I think you might fight it as you would an interloper…..

  18. This article and this news link is a perfect example of how narcissists desperately desire what they can’t have or don’t have. Having just what everyone else has, is not good enough for a narcissist. To not be able to have exactly what they want, it means they do not have the level of power that they think they do. https://www.apnews.com/48a50615c40d4acabfd60060c25041e0

  19. HG,

    how long are you in relationship with your current girlfriend? Are you still in golden period or did you start the devaluation? Are you actively looking for the next victim right now?

    Also if you find a next girlfriend will you write less on this site during the golden period?

    Cheers 🙂

    1. Hi JustEmpath! The first year on the blog thru the end of 2016, HG confirmed having a girlfriend he referred to the “beautiful Kim”. Time frame for the relationship was about 18 months and still in the golden period. He never said anything disparaging if a reader asked about her.
      About mid 2017, he confirmed in reader comments when asked, that Kim was now in devalue. In his live stream July 2017, he confirmed again when asked, that Kim was still his IPPS and being devalued. He was also juggling two secondary sources, so 3 girlfriends total. And that none of them knew about the others.
      He doesn’t seem to answer questions about Kim anymore. I’ve tried. They sit in moderation the few times I did. Lol

      1. Clarece, I wonder if Kim’s a statue now.
        HG, i think of Carry on Screaming when they were dipping women in that stuff and making them Mannequins have you seen it ha ha

  20. HG, do you use Amanda to triangulate with women you are with? Do you tell them about the perfect one that got away so they feel they will never live up to her name?

      1. Kellie, it could be completely true as HG would not have known at this point he was a narcissist . He knows now that this would not have worked but he’ll continue to say that would have been different. If it is made up it’s a good reference for all of us that have heard the stories , been triangulated by the first love or the one that got away or the one we are not managing to be, or the one we are going to be different to and so it goes on . It’s all nonsense and HG knows that now. If Amanda is real which i think she is it would have been no different to the one that ended up being the first , which i think was the one that he left ringing the door bell while cheating on her with his new one , i think that was technically his first silent treatment that he stumbled across and then honed.

      1. Wissh, it makes me wonder how my name will be used in my ex’s future triangulations. To some girls I was his most trusted and devoted friend. After they found out about our true relationship he told them I was the girl that wouldn’t go away. To one of his DLS I was the only one that “got him”, his soul mate. Now that I’m gone I wonder what my new role in his games of manipulation is. I’m sure it changes often depending on the circumstances.

      1. No less than you big d*cks give me a crick in the neck.

        At least you guys can pick us up to look at us, (as many have done whether I wanted them to, or not!)

        It’s not like we will pull you down to our level. Just set your ass down if you don’t want a crick in your neck.

        I’ve never been refered to as a short arse before.

        And you’re the only guy I’ve ever heard complain that a woman may be too short.

        But then I’m the only woman I know that does not want to date a guy ’cause he’s too tall.

        I guess we both have some “musts” and “must nots” going on.

      2. Haha Perse! My “must have” is a good head of hair. No “dome” heads as HG referred to once.

      3. Clarece, a man with a good head of hair at our age gets more and more difficult to find!

      4. Indeed! But I’m not settling. Lol
        He also has to have trimmed, very low nails. Guys with finger nails a tad long, uneven or slightest bit dirty…it will never go past friendship. My body revolts. Lol

      5. Good for you Clarece. Some things are just deal breakers. I agree on the long fingernails! Gross!

      6. Persephone In Sunlight,

        ” At least you guys can pick us up to look at us, (as many have done whether I wanted them to, or not!)

        It’s not like we will pull you down to our level. Just set your ass down if you don’t want a crick in your neck.”

        Too much fuss’ n’ muss for him, Persephone. He can’t deliver the kiss-that-will-stop-time seamlessly otherwise. 😉 They’ve got to at least be on an even playing field I’m sure…

      7. Good, a crick in the neck gives a welcome opportunity to touch you. Let me massage that out. But you’ll have to sit down since I’m a short arse.

      8. HG: LOL!

        But just to settle you: there is no perfect person. People fart. It’s disgusting. Next time you see some beautiful, tall woman, just imagine her pooping.

        It happens.

      9. Bibi, maybe it is because of the way I was raised here in the South, but I keep my bodily functions private. I’ve been with my man for over 30 years and he has never witnessed me pooping, nor I him. Same with farting. (Although I despise that word.) Some things you just don’t need to share. I see nothing wrong with people that do, but I’m not comfortable with it.

      10. HG
        Short arses is not in line with your usual charm. I would have thought something more along the lines of: Narc Nuggets.

      11. Persephone:

        That vid even grossed me out, lol. MB, I can’t imagine not hearing a man shit and fart. I had bfs who did that after a few weeks. Made it much easier to let them go, I suppose.

        Tee hee. HG called me a pervert.

      12. Bibi, Some things are to be kept private. They go without saying and definitely without sharing. You can’t unsee/unsmell that! I love him to pieces, but my oldest son lets it fly. Have you heard of “Dutch oven”? Boys! I’ve told his girlfriend many times, “I SO would not date him!” My youngest is like me. He’s 16 and I can’t remember him ever farting around me. At least I raised one gentleman. Ha ha

      1. Yet HG has his old article referencing liking any color hair, blonde, brunette, red; any eye color, blue, brown, hazel or green, etc.
        If he found a Super Tanker half pint, bet your arse he’d go find a good chiropractor to deal with the crink in his neck.

      2. Or perhaps you could get down on your knees HG? Just remember HG, dynamite comes in small packages! 🤪

      3. nunya biz
        Short or tall; he loves them all (it is really all about the fuel output).

        “From deep auburn to fiery titian, platinum blonde to ash blonde, chestnut to raven black I love them all. Show me red-gold, mahogany, black brown, highlights or lowlights they all work for me. Long hair, short hair, cropped, bobbed, straight or curly. I love them all.”

        https://narcsite.com/2016/01/28/hairs-to-you/

      4. K, I am kidding. There Is no possibility of ever meeting HG. Further, I am actively seeking strong, genuine empathic traits, I am truly biologically drawn to them anyway.

  21. Wow hg I didnt know you were in love before nice to know maybe it was for her own good that she didnt come into your clutches or tendrils?

    1. It was not love that he felt, he was full blown narcissist at the age of 17, just unpracticed and still clumsy at his craft. He was lusting for the power to possess an innocent creature and the ability to control her and manipulate her. The backwards and unemotional intent of a narcissist goes somewhat like this…This person is everything I want everyone to think that I am. Good, innocent, full of life and empathy. If I can get control of this person, it means I am smarter than they are. It means I am smarter, more cunning and more powerful than all the people who did not have the ability to possess her. If I can get this person to love my fake persona, she will proclaim to me how good a person I am and thus I can beat away the truth of my true awful self and pretend my fake persona is really the real me, thus reinforcing the fake persona and increasing it’s power and usefulness.

  22. I’m happy for her. That you didn’t have time to suck all the beauty and life out of her. I kinda feel sad for you, but still happy for her.

  23. I had someone like this. I was 12. The first sight of him nearly knocked me off my feet. I felt a surge of energy and nearly passed out. Through inquires, I later found out he was 16.

    I rode the bus with him almost every day to school. When the bus was crowded and we had to double up seating and he would choose to sit next to me, I would relish seeing him up close. The feeling of him being close to me was amazing, intense. I would watch as he exited the bus and went to collect the mail. Soaking in every limited moment of seeing him.

    After I went to college, I still thought of him and told my friends about my experience, believing it was true love. They encouraged me to write to him. I was able to get his address from his mother who knew my mother.

    I thought because I was 12 years old and awkward, he hadn’t thought of me in that way. He graduated 2 high school years later. I hadn’t had any contact. I went from a long limbed nerd, to being told I was attractive. I felt somewhat confident that my age, 18, and changes would help him see me as more than the child he sat next to on the bus.

    I wrote pretty casually about my life and told him I wanted to see how he was doing. I included no picture as I wanted him to like me for me, and not just what he saw. I wanted him to be pleasantly surprised if we met.

    My letter went unanswered. I was crushed and chalked it up to him not having the same connection when we first saw each other. I found out later that he had married and had 2 children.

    I had been sure he experienced some feeling with me way back then. How could he not feel the energy between us? Another lesson in learning who is right for me and “the one”.

    Who knew if we were even compatible? I would have loved to go on a date and find out.

    I dated a few guys in college that I seemed to have instant chemistry with or at least I saw them and thought they were cute. I felt an attraction to them. After dating them, I realized they were jerks and to not go off my “senses” alone.

    How and why people end up together is fascinating to me. The perfect match. The one. Soulmate. Does it exist?

    “Wouldn’t it be loverly?”

    1. Valkyrie, the guy on the bus was probably a narcissist. That would explain the fizzing electricity emanating from him.

      1. And the fact that he didn’t reply in any case at when you reached out to him. He could’ve sent word through his mother that it was nice to hear from you or something at least to acknowledge your correspondence.

      2. Thanks MB, I think I was just a nerdy kid to him haha. We barely knew each other. I doubt he even knew my name.

        Just a lot of crushing on my part. He was smart, cute and introverted *sigh*. I’m not sure why I had such a strong reaction to him.

        Other guys I crushed on, I got to date. Would have been nice to date him and figure out if I really like his personality.

        Maybe he farts a lot or craps with the bathroom door open! Alas, I will never know! Haha

        I’m like you, I try to keep my bathroom behaviors a little private too. To each their own.

  24. No. Your love for Amanda could never be matched – even by the real Amanda, if you’d found her. Even Amanda could never match the fantasy of her you built in your mind.

    It reminds me of one of the verses of my favorite song from high school, “Kodachrome.”

    “If you took all the girls I knew when I was single,
    Got ‘em all together for one night.
    It could never match my sweet imagination.
    Everything looks worse in black and white.”

    1. Windstorm, you are correct. fantasy is better than reality. That’s why I spend so much time there being a unicorn!

      Amanda is only perfect because she never let him down. She never got the chance.
      Oh, and Paul Simon 😍

      1. MB
        For HG with Amanda yes, but for me, fantasy is not better than reality. I’m a very realistic, practical kind of person. I’m happiest just observing whatever’s going on around me.

        From my observations, personal as well as in general, people who spend much time in fantasy are usually unhappy in their reality. We just can’t escape reality, though. No matter how well we hide, it jumps out and smacks us in the face.

        I’d advise embracing your inner unicorn and meeting the reality of your life with the strength, hope and love that your magical unicorn nature gives you.

      2. Windstorm, I agree with what you have written about fantasy vs reality.

        I also believe that we tend to escape into fantasy when the facts of reality are too harsh to bear or when we are simply unhappy. I believe it serves as a coping mechanism that can be both destructive and nurturing. I realize I have both a strong tendency to escape into fantasy, or use fiction as a means of escape and distraction in private life, as well as being very pragmatic and strongly realistic in other, more public areas of my life. I feel more anchored and grounded in the latter though. I feel that escaping into the sanctuary of fantasy can help to unwind and regain some fresh perspective on areas of my life where I struggle or feel the need for change – that might be, to use your term, my magical inner unicorn.

        Generally, the Amanda narrative really resonated with me; among other aspects it reminded me of my youngest brother’s infatuation in high school – a difference is that she did let him down, an event that eventually shattered the marblelike, sterile image of perfection and purity.

      3. Saskia
        I agree that escaping into fantasy is a coping mechanism. And like all coping mechanisms, it is both destructive and nurturing. My escaping reality is mainly thru reading. I’ve always got a book open in my Kindle app to lose myself in when I need a break. But I have to be careful not to keep reading too long and ignore the real world around me. I am a very lazy woman and it’s a constant struggle to motivate myself to do all the little necessary things in life.

      4. K
        Never had one of those “good time brownies.” Guess NarcAngel is baking them all the time now.

      5. WS
        Ha ha ha…no surprise, NA is salty with a side of nuts. Sending you a virtual good time brownie. Enjoy!

      6. WS, I’ve never had a brownie either, but K makes them sound so good. K can bake me some. I’m not trusting Tammy’s brownies! Ha ha

      7. WS, thank you for your kindness. You sound like my best friend. She always gives me tough love. A good friend won’t lie to you.

        My reality is a fog. Going through the motions. It’s far from bad. It just is. The days drag on. I sleep a lot. I have no goals or ambitions. No hobbies. Nothing that makes me feel alive. That’s what I’m looking for in fantasyland. I want to feel alive. I know my depression isn’t controlled at the moment, but I already take more medication than I want. I await the lifting of the fog. I need to make an appointment, you’ve made me see that. Thank you.

      8. MB
        Do you ever try going outside alone and just sitting where you can feel the sun and wind and hear and smell nature? What works best for me is to do this, then clear my mind of all thought – just concentrate on the information coming in your senses.

        If some other thought pops in your mind, just let it go and go back to concentrating on what you’re perceiving thru your senses. It is difficult at first, and you’ll have a lot of thoughts pop up, but it gets easier with practice.

        After you get used to clearing your mind and being aware of the world and life outside yourself, then you can use this whenever you need to feel alive and connected to the world. Even inside buildings or with people, you’ll get to where all you have to do is see sunlight on an object or the sky thru the window and your mind will automatically connect up with both the world and the current moment. At least mine does.

        That was what I meant about your inner unicorn. When you start practicing sitting outside focusing on your senses, begin with a mental image of that wise, calm, inner unicorn totally at ease in her element. You can train yourself this way over time and then you’ll be able to call up that connection, feeling of wisdom, calm and peace whenever you need it.

      9. Windstorm
        “You can train yourself this way over time and then you’ll be able to call up that connection, feeling of wisdom, calm and peace whenever you need it”

        Did it work when you had a snake trapped in your bathroom? Haha.

        My mom called me when she found a snake in the house and I told her to hang up and I would call 911 because I couldnt make out what she was saying and thought she was having a heart attack. She had gone out and got a shovel and beat it to death (she said it appeared sick and was moving really slow). She needs to practice your technique more lol.

      10. NarcAngel, I think calling 911 for a snake in the house is appropriate!

        I had a snake in my house once. I called my oldest daughter. She said “Mom why are you calling me? Hang up and call 911”. Great advice kid…

      11. Mercy
        I never thought to dial 911, since it was not a life or death emergency. Turns out though, that that actually was the first number I called, since the line to our sheriffs office is the same as the 911 line. Lol! (Very rural county)

        I was hoping they could suggest something, but they were clueless. Even the deputy present was too scared of snakes to be useful. But I’m prepared now. I ordered a snake grabber off Amazon for the next time. Hopefully I can catch them and carry them outside from now on.

      12. Windstorm, that was a short time I lived in the country. It was a very small snake but for a girl that’s not use to these things it was traumatic (I’m sure the half bottle of wine I had in me didn’t help). I put a bucket on top of it with some books then ran and got the neighbor.

        Another time while living there I heard a noise in the kitchen. I was home alone and freaked out. I wasn’t dressed so I threw my clothes out the bedroom window and jumped after them….turns out it was a mouse that got into the boxes I had unpacked.

        My (few) neighbors had to love the entertainment. I love to visit the country but living there wasn’t for me.

      13. Mercy
        I think most of us have an instinctive fear of snakes. I was determined to not be afraid of them because my mother was so terrified and insisted on killing them all. I have even had pet snakes, albeit tiny green snakes.

        Several months ago I was bitten by a garter snake in my bed. He had taken up residence there when I’d been away visiting my daughter. We both scared each other half to death! He was smart enough to escape out the hole in the wall he’d come in thru. I think I’d terrified him enough that he chose new lodgings! 😄

      14. Windstorm
        And THAT is why my sleepwear always involves bottoms of some sort. If you’re wearing a nightie (especially in the woods) you may as well plaster signs over your pleasure centres that read: Reptile Raddison. Vacancy.

      15. I’ve heard of slutty brownies, but not Good Time Brownies!

        Do they have the ‘secret ingredient’ I put in cookies that other people like? (NOT the ingredient in Tammy’s muffins!)

        Or is it just that chocolate is such a wonderful drug, in and of itself?

        MMMmmmm…..getting happy just thinkin of chocolate……..where is godiva store….

      16. Persephone In Sunlight
        I ate a cannabis-infused Brownie on Oscar night and MB dubbed the edible “Good Time Brownie”.

        Think about it: chocolate and weed together…mmmmmm…yummy, sinful deliciousness.

      17. I like to smoke a couple tokes, and eat some dark chocolate. i’ve tried eating it, but I like to feel like I am awake, when I wake up in the morning. My DIL has the same prob, she says she doesn’t like the weedover. I infuse butter (stinkin up the house right now) to make cookies. 1 dose per cookie. When asked how many I eat, I have to tell them I don’t, but y’all keep ordering them, so. I keep making them….

      18. Persephone In Sunlight
        It has been awhile since I had a few tokes and I only had one weedover in my entire life-thank God-it was rather unpleasant and I don’t want a repeat of that, ever.

        I don’t mind the smell too much, my son’s friends infuse oil and butter at my house, sometimes, because their parents don’t approve. The edibles are better for you than Ambien IMO; enjoy the baking!

  25. You see everyone through your own tainted soul now, everything and everyone is a reflection of your own self hatred and self loathing and damaged and abused inner child. Noone could ever appear pure other than a memory in your mind. That purity and innocence you yearn for is the purity of the soul and capacity for love. you’re just longing for that innocence within yourself that you felt, when you felt your love for her. If she ever existed…
    However considering you’ve already said you don’t remember ever feeling love or empathy, this just reads like a sad made up tale you would tell any empath you have your sights on controlling. In the hope that she would fall for it and want to be the one that you consider pure and your salvation. Continuosly trying to live up to the special one you had once. Hinting that you are reachable, healable and searching for your true love. It’s one of the behaviours you yourself have taught us about. Are you having fun with is today?

  26. You know her last name …if she changed by marriage she would still be Amanda whatever ? She probably doesn’t look at all like college.look her parents up ….ask her friends questions. But she won’t live up to your fantasy nobody can.

  27. I don’t think this is unusual HG, though not having had a girlfriend by the age of 18 seems a bit odd. Really? You never went out with a girl in your adolescence?

    In any case, the same thing happened to me at the age of 14-15 when I was forced to move abroad (I also went horse riding every week, but on Sundays!!). He was my boyfriend, though, and my first love – not a chimera. It took me decades to find him again after we lost touch and when I did, he was disabled and had never married or had a family. I also sometimes think that he was the one who got away. He is dead now and I hate to say it but Amanda might be too, which is why you cannot find her.

    You might want to talk with your therapists about it but IMHO it does not make you a narc.

  28. Fully triggered, HG.
    Narcex told me about a girl he loved in college. A very perfect girl, Rebecca. In his case they were 18, and she supposedly loved him back, though now I wonder. He asked her to marry him. She said yes. And one day she disappeared. He never heard from her again and he never found her though he searched. He also speculated that by the time he had electronics at his disposal that her name would likely have changed. And despite my many questions, you all now know exactly as much as I ever knew. I remember feeling so sorry for him, a man of 60 who never again found love like the one he thought he had at 18 with that perfect girl.

  29. HG I’m curious do you suffer from Madonna / whore complex?

    This reminded me of how Mr. Lesser initially saw me as “the perfect one” I could do no wrong. He was certain we were gonna be together. When I began to read here I thought oh nothing but future faking but as I look back I don’t think it was. I think at that moment in time that he thought he had found “the one” this is a tough masculine guy but for a period he was almost “giddy ” just like you are when you initially fall in love. This is a man not at all comfortable discussing emotions and not even comfortable with the word love but on one ocassion when I ask for clarification on his feelings and intentions he said I’m going to tell you this once and then I don’t want to discuss it anymore. I’m in love with you well until he wasn’t.

    Don’t find Ammda HG she’s human and will fail you. Just store her away in your mind where she can stay perfect

    1. Lori,
      So either he lied to you or he isn’t a narc. It sounds like you believe he is a narc but was telling you the truth when he said he was in love with you.

      1. He is Narc but they confuse infatuation and the Rush they get from the acquisition of new supply with love. That is the only love then know. So was he lying? Yes by my definition of love yes he was lying by his, no that’s the only feeling he knows as love. To hiim infatuation is love and infatuatuation rarely lasts more than 6 months so when in where off in his mind you have failed him and he must find a new infatuation and so on …

  30. Since a very long time lapse in reading this article of yours, the striking contrast of clean vs dirty is amply apparent. Despite what seems to be a young woman with a great, well-rounded personality, the biggest draw for you to her was her aura and scent being so clean and representing all that is pure. This time reading, your statement that you would curse at yourself following masturbating to fantasies of being with her. I’m curious now, after knowing more about the abuse you experienced from your writings, if the sexual abuse you endured parlayed into you transferring that toxic shame to what would be normal, coming of age fantasies with one learning about their body and who they are attracted to? If you attached such negative thoughts to physical feelings of attraction, I would think that feeds into the misogyny of then having contempt for any woman who enjoys and reciprocates your sexual advances. It somehow makes her less and less “clean” the more she does with you, especially if start manipulating for degrading sexual acts over time out of boredom. There is just substantially more here under the surface of your topic being your first love. Your contempt of thinking of other men / boys (because of the school age) with her disgusts you but I think it’s the sex act itself too that is so repulsive even though with her you feel you would find salvation and overcome your intimacy issues. Why curse yourself for having fantasies about your crush?
    The only others I recall that their “cleanliness” was so alluring to you is Dr. O. I’m wondering if with her too, it’s because you’ve never gotten to cross the boundary of getting to be physical with her. Also your chapter “China Doll” in “Beautiful and Barbaric” where you write about being drawn to someone perfectly prim, proper and clean from their appearance to the way they keep their home and work environment. Did all of the girlfriends seem “clean” to you in the beginning and then with sexual relations that immediately diminishes?

    Going back to the search for Amanda…in 3 years time now, HG, take some of that money from all of the consults and hire a private investigator. They start with where the school records were sent when she had to move with her family. All of the readers would love to know your reaction and thought process if you found her now, especially to see if some of the therapy would help for you to see her as a flawed, normal human or if you still maintain an image of perfection and salvation to her.

  31. HG, maybe you’ve been a footballer ? Or some kind of sportsman at some point ? Professionally I mean ?

    1. Lisa, it’s no use trying to figure out his true identity, but it is fun to try. I’m of the notion that he’s an heir to the Cadbury fortune. When I first came here, I broke Google trying to link clues from his work with the chocolate dynasty. I’ve since given up. Unless and until he makes his identity known, I’m going with this theory. HG, the chocolate bunny. I like it.

      1. Hi MB, i didn’t know anything about chocolate ? did he say he was linked to chocolate ? He usually answers No if you guess something and he hasn’t answered no, i don’t think . Might mean he played a bit of semi professional football or something in his youth . I think one of his rules on this blog is he can’t lie as well as can’t manipulate , can’t date or take advantage of any readers , can’t kill any readers , in self defence or otherwise 🤗

      2. Lisa, “Can’t kill any readers” ha ha. I hope he doesn’t kill anybody else! Anyway, I don’t think any of the five rules have been revealed. He did not say he was linked to chocolate. There was a teenie single comment way back in the archives that planted a seed in my curious brain. His uncle was absolutely in the chocolate business. There is a story in Fury I think it was where the uncle force fed a neighbor at a bbq some of his chocolate and went nuclear when he didn’t praise the taste as he should have. (It’s a good story, you should read both Fuel and Fury if you haven’t already.) Many pieces fit as I got to Googling. I could not make it add up completely, however. I think he absolutely should be able to lie on the blog if the discovery of his true identity is threatened. As I said before, I’m going with Cadbury for a lot of reasons.

      3. MB
        The theory of the rules were “revealed” on:
        https://narcsite.com/2018/04/20/the-narcissist-and-marriage-4/

        K
        APRIL 23, 2018 AT 17:22
        Nuit Étoilée,
        I got plenty of giggles and I got a laugh from NA’s comment, as well. Don’t forget, The Five Rules prevent HG from using his machinations against us. There will be no STs deployed here.

        My theory of The Five Rules are as follows:

        1. He cannot seduce or ensnare any of his readers on or offline.
        2. He cannot use us to fulfill any of the Prime Aims.
        3. He must be candid.
        4. He cannot violate the trust of those that engage with him privately via e-mail or Skype.
        5. He cannot paint us white or black

        NarcAngel
        APRIL 23, 2018 AT 18:18
        K

        You forgot:
        He must not accept proposals.

        Thus explaining his lack of response to Nuit. No point in breaking her heart if he cannot experience first hand her wailing and tears.

        https://narcsite.com/2018/04/20/the-narcissist-and-marriage-4/

      4. K, what is your theory of who holds him accountable if he breaks the rules? And whose fault would it be?

      5. MB
        GASP! (At the thought of him accountable to anyone). Also, be careful with throwing around fault. Thats the new “F” word.

      6. NA, I know, right? That’s why I asked K. I’m pretty sure the only rules are that there are no rules.

        HG is professional and I’m sure very different here than his personal life. I am always surprised when he calls me exactly on time for consults! I’m not saying he will break whatever rules there are. I just think they could only be self-imposed.

      7. MB
        I am not surprised at his punctuality. Whatever he is and does in his private life aside, he is with regard to his work here, a consummate professional. I know however that was a manner of speech and that you are not really surprised.

      8. NA, I’m always surprised when he calls. Not because it’s HG. No reflection on the caller or his professionalism. It could be anybody that I feel unworthy of. I have issues surrounding my own importance. It always makes me feel special when he calls, but I feel like a waste of his time. As I’ve said before, I don’t just have issues, Girl, I’ve got subscriptions. A narc could’ve mopped up the floor with me if ever I had been properly ensnared.

      9. NA, he always tells me that punctuality is the politeness of kings when I comment about my surprise that he turned up. He is absolutely correct. (And polite.)

      10. K, I was just playing devil’s advocate. HG is absolutely a professional. He is very self-disciplined as evidenced by his achievements and success. He holds himself accountable is my guess.

      11. MB
        Ha ha ha…I figured you were being cheeky. HG isn’t accountable to anyone; he is acting out of self-interest and his psychopathy and intelligence allows him to maintain excellent self-control.

  32. Yawn, Yawn, Yawn 😴😴
    The Amanda story !!!
    The delusions of a narcissist or
    How dare one take the option/control away from me
    I used to think that the delusion that there’s a perfect one out there (of course this has to be one they’ve virtually had nothing to do with or the imagined one) was part of the illness , it’s another cookie cutter aspect of their illness. Now i’m not sure if even the narc believes that deep down . It’s a handy thing to say , covers up if they’ve never committed or married the wrong person. Saves them telling people That they are incapable of a real lasting relationship due to being mentally ill. My ex narc would say It could work with a particular type of girl Er that would be like ? what type of girl exactly, a non human type 🤔In an honest moment occasionally when he wasn’t bothered about the facade , he would admit , he likes being alone and is emotionless and the only emotions he feels are negative ones , even towards his family. Heard this many times although it would be denied at other times if it suited him or he’d say he’d reconnected with his emotions .
    Let’s hope Amanda found a non narc or what really would be ironic is if HG found Amanda and she was a narc ….

  33. Sounds like Amanda dodged a big bullet and hopefully is living a wonderful, happy life, totally ignorant of the ways of a narcissist.

  34. This is proof that not all medicine tastes horrible, Beautifully written piece, HG. But poor Amanda would have to try to live up to your expectation of perfection. And we all disappoint in that area in the end, don’t we?

  35. Had she not disappeared you would have attempted to love bomb her. What would that look like as a youth? When we spoke in consultation we briefly talked about me wanting to teach my girls what to look for. (Things that aren’t quite normal such as incessant texting.)

    1. There would not have been texting as text messaging was not available. It would be writing love letters, telephoning on the landline and speaking for hours, turning up at the house to look to do things together, small gifts, getting friends to mention me to her so I was spoken about, making a mix tape for her.

      1. And to know the magic of the “mixed tape” puts HG totally in the late 40’s, early 50’s age range…

      2. I also know that William the Conqueror won the Battle of Hastings but that does not make me 1000 years old. Nice try.

      3. Bahahahaha…I love busting your chops on possibly being 50. You never fail to respond either when I do.

      4. I have a GIGANTIC crush on Dracula. Bram Stoker’s Dracula, more precisely. That story is more…. elucidative that it let transpire.

        “Absinthe is the aphrodisiac of the self. The green fairy that lives in the absinthe wants your soul. But you are safe with me.”

      5. He’s between 44-49. He will be 50 one day and there’s nothing wrong with that! It’s going to bother me turning 50 too when it comes. Maybe we will get through it together on the blog. Many of us are 40ish on here!

      6. My best friend I work with and I are both dreading the big 5*0! A half a century is a half century old. No “50 is the new 30” buzz phrase can take the sting outta that. Lol I’m a few years away yet.

      7. I find it strange to even think of such things regarding HG simply because of the type of narcissist he is. While perfection is a relative concept, he is perfect by his own standards. His nails are probably better manicured than many here and if he were bald, trust me , you would see a gorgeous mane by illusion (lol) or end up fan of bald.

        This greater (elite), who keeps approaching me at work and one who I treat respectfully because I am not stupid but yet keep a good distance from, told me yesterday that he is a diamond. You can look at him from any direction you want and find whatever “imperfections” you want, he IS still a diamond.
        He said that while very close to me. Then he jokingly said: I doubt you have the strength to stay away.
        I smiled again.

        I had to smile because the magnetism he emanates is powerful. While he is not the most handsome guy you would see, he is by default the most attractive.

        He said that as soon as he walked into that meeting, looked around and our eyes met, he “felt” me.

        Cleaver and romantic. The problem is that I know WHAT he is and as delicious his cologne is, his tempting and sexual smile, his impeccable manners hide the rogue inside. Also the only narc in my life is HG. One that account alone, he is damned to find out my strength to stay away.

        But elites with nails or anything that is less than desirable? Unless it is a cultural thing from where they come from, I don’t see happening for lack of attention to detail to their own persona. They are after all, somatic as well.

      8. My MMRN did all of that when we were teenagers, except the mix tape, and he left flowers on my nightstand (and my desk at school: he found out which desk was mine) with love notes. It was so nice. Then we had sex (really nice). Then he fucked it all up with his hot and cold bullshit so I gave him a nice long ST and eventually met my ULN (hideous).

        My MMRN was very good at love bombing. my ULN hid his assholish side for about five-six months (bronze period); he was such a dick.

        “The Golden Period and the Bronze Period both serve the function of hiding the true nature of the narcissist from the victim.”

    1. MB
      Under the article it shows previous dates that it posted and will take you there. Do you read those?

      1. NA, I always enjoy reading the comments from prior runs. With all the new readers on the blog and this article not running for quite some time, and all the negativity on the Alex article; I was interested to see what the reactions would be when he ran an article starring the loving HG vs the abusive HG.

      1. K, it makes me sad too. It’s one of those contrary posts that makes one believe he really DOES believe in hope.

      2. K
        Me too, for HG, but also for narcex. Maybe Rebecca was his first and only love. Maybe she disappeared because she figured him out or couldn’t tolerate him, even as a very young narc. Or maybe he just uses her to triangulate. I’ll never know.

      3. wissh
        It would be wonderful if he could find his Angel but I don’t think it is possible, ergo, the melancholy.

    2. MB
      Yes, that imposter, hope. I want Hg to find Amanda but I don’t want him to find her either because he will hurt her, eventually.

      I am ambivalent.

      1. shesaw
        I am not a narcissist and I would love to find my “Amanda”.

        Most humans want to matter to someone, it is part of our biological makeup and necessary for survival. When you don’t matter, then what is the point? Why bother?

        Sadly, HG is incapable of maintaining a truly loving and long-lasting relationship, through no fault of his own. His mother denied him that basic human right.

        It is no surprise to me that he has hatred and malice towards humanity and I don’t blame him one bit; I would, too, if I were he.

      2. Oh K, I agree! I meant it as a joke re: “I want Hg to find Amanda but I don’t want him to find her either because he will hurt her, eventually.” I thought it to be more safe if HG found his inner Amanda instead of the real one.
        I realise though that that is wishful thinking…

        I believe I can not plainly blame him for his hatred and malice either – I often feel uncomfortable though (complicit even), knowing that we learn from him, and continue to learn, only because of his (ongoing) practice.

      3. shesaw
        Your comment was perfectly fine and I really appreciate it. I don’t want to live in an echo chamber and it is important to communicate our feelings, thoughts and theories with each other even if the ideas collide. It is how we learn.

        The Angel article makes me feel pensive and sad for the empath and the narcissist. We are on opposite sides and there is no meeting in the middle in this dynamic and neither of us are at fault.

        I feel ambivalent too; we learn so much from him but he is devaluing someone in his fuel matrix (poor IPPS) and I do think about it from time to time. Sometimes, I wish we had the ability to warn her and tell her to GOSO.

      4. K
        I think about that. The irony of the victim who needs his information most, wrapped in the tendrils of the Architect of G.O.S.O. (aka the Architect of Anarchy.

      5. NA
        No shit, huh! That poor empath! Maybe, when we all meet up at Blair Castle for the caber toss, we can form a rescue plan.

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