The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 2
There is a vast emptiness inside of me.
Whatever was meant to be there is not there and instead this chasm remains, an expansive void that is dark, deep and perpetual. I remain ahead of this void because it wants to consume me and in so doing consign me to oblivion. This relentless black hole wants to devour me, breaking down all that I have achieved and crushing them into nothingness, a final insult against me as I disappear without trace. A terrible matter to contemplate that as this extinction is aimed at me is the prospect of never having mattered, never having existed and never having made a mark on the world. To be erased in an instant, obliterated and deleted.
I am fearless in all that I do, save that is this void, this nothing which is the architect of one total fear. It is against this constant fate that I drive forward. You see, hurled into this void is The Creature and he is scrabbling to escape it so that with dreadful suicidal intent he can wrap his sinewy arms about me, his yellowed and sharpened teeth plunging into my neck, his venom paralysing me as he gurgles and giggles, hauling me backwards off the precipice and into the void, the pair of us plummeting into oblivion.
That must not happen.
In order to keep him deep, deep down in the void it is necessary to imprison him and keep his vile and seditious whispers silenced. This means filling the void. Imagine he lurks at its very deepest point. He wishes to keep the void as it is. Vast and empty, since by doing so he will be able to then clamber out and grab me, dragging me down back into the void. He needs the void to be just that. He needs emptiness so he can reach out of it unhindered. He needs the void to be just that. He needs emptiness so he can destroy me through its unrelenting absence of anything.
I cannot have emptiness.
This void must be filled and it is filled with fuel. Each piece of fuel places a layer within the void and behind each layer The Creature becomes imprisoned. Oh he will wail and protest but as those layers become thicker and more numerous his wretched cat calls become muffled and then silenced. He cannot break through these layers, he cannot reach out and burst through the constructed layers to sabotage my existence. Each layer differs in depth, strength and duration in accordance with the type of fuel that I am able to gather and place within the void, fashioning my construct.
The smile from a stranger is a thin and ephemeral sliver. The admiration from a newly acquired primary source is a dense and durable slab that protects me and makes the construct strong. Piece by piece, layer by layer, each segment of fuel, positive and negative, reinforces the construct, fills the void and keep The Creature at bay.
One cannot rest for these pieces dissipate and melt away through time. The Creature picks at them, claws at them, raking through them. Your treacherous criticism punches massive great holes in them allowing the mocking howls of The Creature to echo to me. See now why we hate criticism so vehemently?
Fuel fills the void. Fuel creates the construct.
The fastest way to gather fuel is to show you what you want to see for then you will pour forth with your love, your delight, your admiration and your appreciation. Marvellous, edifying and filling is your fuel. If I show you the very thing that you want to see, namely yourself, you will give me this fuel more readily, with such potency, often and in huge amounts. I have not time to build something of substance for you to fall in love with, to admire and desire. I must create it with due expedience and what better way than to use that which already exists, namely you. Thus, I show you yourself through my mirror and you fall for that image believing it to be me, believing it to be my essence and substance.
You do not realise that you are seeking yourself and indeed you do not see yourself when I mirror you back at yourself. You are conned by my fakery into thinking that it is my substance that you see and it dazzles and enchants you. I care not. So long as you are providing me with that fuel, I will hold up that mirror to you and let you fall in love with yourself. It is an artifice, a fabrication and fakery but it is necessary.
I give you what you want. It is not real but it seems so real to you and thus your responses are in fact real. The delicious fuel flows and I want you to pour it into me, filling me up, creating a barrier of salvation between me and the Creature as you are chief architect in the plans to frustrate and defeat his attempt to dethrone me.
This is why when you are installed as primary source and your wonderful fuel flows you truly are everything that matters to us.
You are our salvation and if holding a mirror up to achieve this salvation is what must be done, then it will be done.
45 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 2”
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Hg .
No reply button on the comment below, hence here.
As I said in my comment asking about the silence speaking volumes….correct me if I’m wrong i said… when I asked.
Also … Not at all…as pointed out elsewhere not looking out for the books it is somebody else I know who wants those books or one of them at least in particular
I will leave it to them to search out the book for themselves and to ask any questions themselves visit you themselves.
As for my replies ever since I’ve only given two. The things I wrote were before you answered.
And one was to say that I didn’t understand what you meant because I literally didn’t know what you meant as I read it due to when you said your response contained something else ..i.e. something about it’s not being the sole reason.when I only saw one reason within it.
I do disagree as regards cutting nose off to spite own face… But I do understand what you mean.. it is something my mother used to say when she was cross..
It is dismaying that when I have said I didn’t understand the answer in all serious honesty… that you deem that as me sulking…I will not look out for those books because they are not for me in particular
But more
because I don’t know that they are going to still be written anyway.
Thank you for your reply.
K has already provided an answer with regard to them being written.
Yes I’ve just seen the response and I have put a reply to K ..it’s in moderation.
I know that you wrote it definitely wont be tomorrow… Or something of that nature..
Yes… thanks….
I saw the reply about 50 minutes ago.. and I replied.
it says about them being written… Your quote I believe …that it is definitely not tomorrow.
Hello HG
Thank you for your replies.
I accept the concept of it being a silent treatment was wrong.
I apologise.
Ps..
MB…You commented on this about not thinking to take it personally…Thanks MB x
Apology accepted.
You’re welcome Debbie. I could tell your feelings were hurt and was not his intention. Unfortunately, it spiraled a bit. I’m glad we’re back on track. I don’t know about you, but as far as new books, I’m counting down the days for Tudor Tales. Read to me HG!
I think this void is one of the hardest things for an empath to comprehend. I believe in it fully because I saw it in my narcissist mother. By the time I was an adolescent I was keenly aware that there was no “there” there, but it is still hard to pinpoint exactly what is missing. My mother could not stand silence; this would make her feel like the void was creeping upon her. So our house was full of literal appliances to fill that quiet — televisions, radios, etc. which were always on, sometimes blaring over one another. (Now that I live alone, I intentionally sit in silence most of the time.) All of her interests were relational, things that caused her to interact with people in the ways she wanted. She suffered from a lengthy terminal illness and I honestly feel that she died when the void reached her. She ran out of fuel and therefore could no longer fight her disease. When she would go into the hospital and had the doctors and nurses around her to gain new fuel from, she would rally. Then she would come home with only my dad and I, who were no longer able to provide the fuel she desired, and she would crash. I still feel guilt over not being able to make her feel loved the way she wanted at the end of her life, but I think it was just not possible to live up to that ideal. The part of us that contemplates ourselves, the part made of intrinsic motivations, the part that feels vulnerable when exposed because it allows people to judge us, the part that wonders if we are bad — all of those things were missing from her.
Fuel is feeling pumped up, being around people, existing, makes you feel good. Arguing is fun, it’s interaction, it’s a challenging and skillful game. Being devious is a humorous attention and game. People like you, or they’re engaged with you, and it makes you feel good about yourself. But the feeling can be gone in a moment, when you feel the shift to a downer, for no reason, or some small reason, it’s a feeling that’s internal. It’s desperate, that feeling, you have to get out of it before it takes over. Feels like facing a terrible truth about yourself that’s embarrassing, degrading, that you can’t allow yourself or anyone else to suspect or see. You have to get fuel again, you have to pump up.
This space…place…HG, (correct me if I’m wrong, of course) is where you said iti s ok (?) to have a strong opinion and Express it because it is where Fury wouldn’t be Unleashed or silent treatment given because this is the place of learning and we are encouraged to give our view to ask the kind of question we are not allowed to ask you in the real world as such….???
But the silence speaks volumes and you remain silent following some questions?
Is this an infamous U turn?
So if the fury is ignited here and the silent treatment given here in response to valid questions… What else is here???
You: “ask me anything it is expected here feelings and views are expected when you have been denied a voice out there”…
Any empathic caring person worth their salt would be upset after reading about things that are horrible.. and to expect anything less than strong feelings and expressions from those who would not think the treatment to others is decent is illogical.
Still in the universe of U-turns I guess there are no borders i.e. special places where they are exempt?
Just so long as we know that going forward…(unless of course I am wrong)
If not wrong then we can act accordingly and do what is best for us as opposed to chasing a non-existent tail/tale….
(Pick any spelling of said rear appendage you wish to accommodate whichever interpretation suits)
Either way I rest my case…
However I suspect a motion to adjourn from the defence will be entered.
Lol
Or the reality is I do not have the time to answer every question and some I have answered many times before and therefore am not going to do so yet again, further many of the answers are in articles and the books and again I am not using my valuable time to answer something which is answered elsewhere already.
HG
Indeed.
I see.
I’m talking about answering the questions: are you writing the book The Creature are you writing the book Matriarch still?
Still?
Because it’s been some time since you said you was doing so and they were forthcoming…???
That is all.
And in the time it would have taken you to say yes or no to that would have been less than it took you to say how you won’t answer anything over and over again because you haven’t got the time to respond.
Ask me anything.
That’s what you said.
You didn’t say ask me anything but I wont answer if I’ve answered somewhere before.
I’m sorry HG but we are not to know which things you’ve answered before if we haven’t read every single word from the very beginning.
And to my knowledge after trying to do my own research *as I always do before asking a question* I can find nowhere whichwhich that these books are STILL fforthcoming.
Do we need to apologise for asking or just feel ignored in the Wings over some of these questions..
I suppose interacting with a host on a Blog is a learning curve depending on the Host.
I do understand what you mean.
I do get you… However
I do wish you understood what I meant and clearly you don’t..
My time is also valuable, it is a shame I wasted it asking a simple question about two potential books.
No more than that.
This is more about you choosing not to answer than having the time because you have time to write out an explanation when a yes or no would have done.
You are obviously in some kind of mood to coin a phrase.
It happens.
I guess I’m in a mood now… It happens… It doesn’t a bad person make.
Now I’ve lost interest because I found your response to be as offensive and rude as a personal silent treatment.
If I perceive that kind of thing then I do find it irritating I’m not ashamed to admit it.
I realise I am being blunt and speaking candidly.
I don’t offer butterflies and flowers at all times.
It is my experience in life that to speak the truth without going over the top is the way forward and for those who can’t take it they are not worth my valuable time either.
I am capable of speaking up and making a point and being truthful even if something has annoyed or irritated because I find being evasive and silent to be weak and it is not something to which I aspire therefore I don’t indulge in it.
Thank you for your explanation on your time.
And now you’ve had an explanation on mine.
It is your blog, not just a platform for your future I suppose with your books just a place for your chat so if you don’t want to discuss your forthcoming Ventures that is entirely your decision.
We all must make those decisions which are best for us.
DebbieWolf.
Ok.
I couldn’t find what I was looking for before I asked.
It will be difficult to ask you something when not knowing whether it’s been asked before.
There’s no way of knowing.
Fruitless.
You’ll note that was not the sole reason I provided in my explanation.
No.
I don’t understand what you mean.
The reason you have given is that you’re not wasting time answering things twice.
I only needed a yes or no answer to something that I don’t believe is in there or anywhere else.
Yes or no would have been quicker than an explanation as to you not wasting time.
I still don’t know the answer and I cannot find it anywhere.
It’s ok now.
I wont look out for those particular books now.
Your choice but all I have done is explain your inaccurate suggestion that the lack of a response was a silent treatment. Perhaps I should not have bothered doing such a courtesy and left you to wonder because your responses thereafter have purely focused on missing the point and instead coming across as sulking. Your choice if you do not look out for those particular books, but such a volte face creates the impression of cutting of your nose to spite your face.
DebbieWolf
Here is an amusing answer to WiserNow’s inquiry re: The Creature.
WiserNow
MARCH 13, 2018 AT 13:51
Thank you HG, I look forward to reading it. Can you give us an indication of when the book will be available?
HG Tudor
MARCH 13, 2018 AT 13:54
Definitely not tomorrow.
https://narcsite.com/2018/03/11/what-causes-a-hoover-part-one-2/comment-page-1/
K
Lol..aye.
The Day After Tomorrow perhaps?
Ha ha ha…perhaps, DebbieWolf
Here is another recent comment re: books. If you want to search for information, just type: narcsite into the google bar, along with whatever question you have, and, usually, it will pull up several threads that you can look through to find the answers.
Liane
SEPTEMBER 7, 2018 AT 14:17
When will those mentioned books ‘MatriNarc’ and ‘Little Boy Lost’ be available? Can’t find them on Amazon.
HG Tudor
SEPTEMBER 7, 2018 AT 18:21
Still in writing.
https://narcsite.com/2015/09/25/matrinarc/comment-page-1/
There are only 15 comments on the thread but try using this shortcut, if you are using a laptop or PC, use Control F (command F for mac) and a search bar will appear on the upper right, type in: matrinarc and hit return/enter and it should take you directly to the comment.
Watch the dark crystal. You are a skeksi.
I don’t care what you do or don’t remember about your childhood.
You cannot stop fear by sucking the life out of others (duh).
Why not stop feeding your fear pain creature? Face it. Stop giving your entire life, personal power, energy, and everything about yourself to keep it alive.
The biblical character Adam was a blame shifting narcissist. You people have been stuck for eons. Change it out.
My death will not save any of you. The deaths of empaths doesn’t stop the pain creature. Rather, it reinforces its existence. Everything you do perpetuates your problem.
Oh my, you are the only other person besides myself that I have ever seen notice the extremely strong narcissist connection in that children’s movie. So cool… The writer of the story, I truly believe was trying to tell us a very deep story. And apparently, succeeded!
H.G.
I appreciate the way you bare the soul of the narcissist in this writing. There is no flattery here – only truth. It is eerily comforting to know what lies deep within the hollow soul of one of your kind. It has helped me understand the pathology behind the game. I have recently had the unfortunate pleasure of becoming entangled with one of your brethren. What a journey that has been and continues to be. I find it interesting that those of us who interact with the world in a genuine, honest and decent manner find ourselves facing heartbreak, disappointment, disbelief and grief at the hands of such masterful deceivers. It is ironic that our goodness leads us into such an evil trap. I understand the theory behind the attraction. Those of my kind do not become the way we are as a result of anything. Somewhere along the path of childhood we come to understand we are different. I use to think of it as a curse but I have come to accept it as a gift. There are some who see those of my kind as weak. The truth is that we are not weak at all. We are a light in a world that can be very dark. We give because we want to. We trust because we want to. Manipulation does not lie within us. Weakness is demonstrated in the way your kind manipulate, trick and lie – while using love – the most basic need in all of us – as the enticer. It is easy for those of your kind to hide behind a mask. It takes no great skill to manipulate, deceive and wound. Weakness is demonstrated in most actions of your kind. Strength, however, is shown when those of my kind figure out who you really are – and we will – eventually. Strength is shown when we are left by your kind defeated, confused, and broken but pick ourselves up and put the pieces back together – alone. Those of your kind do nothing alone. I appreciate your candor and willingness to share the madness behind it all.
Paige
Yeah…then you break the mirror yourself with malice aforethought and blameshift, project, deflect and gaslight everybody’s heads off as to how it came to be cracked with a protracted smear campaign and plausible deniability word salad malarky.
Great.
Chief architect?
Sanctuary from the creature?…
And so you destroy the chief architect.
Bloody marvellous.
It’s a no win situation for everybody, every time… Rinse lather repeat.
Round and Round The Mulberry Bush over and over again.
And a refusal to even take on board the kindness and true love when given.. to treat it carefully with dignity and even with good manners at least as abuse abounds.. Claiming the person has gone stale when at the end of the day it’s your own boredom.
Never satisfied and it’s everybody else’s fault.
we can all be here and blame everybody else for everything that’s happened to us even though horrible things have happened to us and we’ve been abused.
But we don’t go back out there and do it to other people.
It’s got nothing to do with perspective absolutely nothing.
if you was going to mention perspective than you could say it was right to sink a ship full of people and say what’s wrong with that it’s only a matter of perspective..
It’s word salad.
You can’t fill a bucket when there’s a hole in the bottom… And that’s what we’re looking at a bloody bucket that doesn’t work.. a bloody chocolate teapot.
That’s what this method is.
Is picking people up… Being a complete fake with them and being cruel.
It’s becoming illogical and nonsensical to constantly repeat what doesn’t work.
The fact that it’s a process that starts and ends over and over again is the evidence.
Use logic you tell us.
Ditto.
You matter you say in another area on the blog.. everybody matters.
That’s not about perspective.
It’s fact.
To add
I don’t know if I’m mistaken but I thought we were going to get a whole book dedicated to the creature so that we could understand this more.
I’ve been here quite a long time now, is this book ever going to come out?
Because to be honest it’s like complaining about a job you can’t stand but you never look for another one.
All this business about the bloody creature.. let’s get this bugger out on the table.. sort this out?
We are supposed to be learning and understanding but have we got enough information on the actual subject of the creature?
Also as to how this was all formed by the book called Matrinarc?.
Quite frankly I feel like taking a hypothetical baseball bat to this creature.. and if somebody as soft natured as me feels that way….well.
Relatively frustrating really.
Something Alan Watts teaches
(A learned guy from years ago .. died now) is that there is no need to fear nothing.
You are not experiencing nothing should there be a cessation or an oblivion because there’s nothing to experience when it happens.
When nothing occurs..thats that. Nothing.
There is no sensation in nothing absolutely no experience can be felt.
No awareness.
No experience.
This is another exercise in logical thinking since that is the order of the day.
I personally don’t believe that when you die It Is the End but for those who do not believe that ask yourself the question.. why do you fear oblivion? why do you fear nothing?why do you fear death?
If these things..life… culminates in cessation then there is no experience to feel there.
No awareness.
No need to be afraid.
Is it true that you believe in cessation really? or deep down have belief that there is no end?
If there is life after this, then work out your salvation with fear and trepidation.
For if we do go on.. what will we find based on how we have behaved?
Which kind of person are you?
We have free will to choose.. time’s a wastin….
Think.
HG,
Why is it so terribly important that you leave a mark?
Why do you ‘care’ about the possibility of “never having mattered”?
Because I matter.
Yes you do and there is no need to leave a mark to prove it! 🌺
HG,
Thank-you for answering.
I actually feel bad for asking this question after the fact…because I certainly didn’t mean to suggest that you do not matter. You and your work matter very much to the many that have been assisted as a result. And it also matters to many that something good comes to you as a result of your work here.
I guess my follow-up question would be, in terms of ‘leaving a mark’; is the blog, and its continuing success, representative of the type of mark you want to leave on the world?
Part of it, yes.
I think it is because Matrinarc taught you you would only matter if you achieved great things. She created that hunger for recognition in you. The need to get your worth from the outside.
But you already know that.
And I am glad you are doing what you are doing, HG. And I am not even sure you are doing it for your own glory.
Of course you matter, HG. Look at all the lives you’ve touched. Although some have suffered at your hand, many more have benefited.
This is life of a slave
H.G.,
I appreciate the way you bare the true soul of a narcissist. There is no flattery here only truth. As one who has always sought truth, it is eerily comforting to know what lies deep within the hollow soul of one of your kind. It helps me understand the pathology behind the game. I have recently had the unfortunate pleasure of becoming entangled with such a person. What a journey that was and continues to be. I find it fascinating that those of us who interact with the world in a genuine, honest, and decent manner find ourselves facing heartbreak, disappointment, disbelief and grief at the hands of such masterful deceivers. It is ironic that our goodness leads us into such a trap. I understand the theory behind the attraction. Those of my kind didn’t ask to be truth seekers. It is something that is second nature to us. It is a gift. Some see people like me – an empath as I have recently learned the term – as weak people. The truth is that we are not weak at all. We are a light in a world that can be very dark at times. We give because we want to. We trust because we want to. Manipulation does not lie within us. We have a difficult time understanding why people are so cruel, self-centered and maliciously deceitful. Our strength and resolve should not be underestimated. Weakness is demonstrated through the way your kind manipulate, trick, and lie – while using love as the enticer. Weakness is demonstrated in most actions of your kind. Strength, however, is shown when one of my kind figures out who you are – and we will – eventually. I appreciate your candor and willingness to share the truth (no pun intended) of one of your kind.
Paige
You are welcome.
I am deeply impressed by the knowledge you have of this state of being.. Meaning–that you can see the entire spectrum among the lessers to the greaters and explain in such detail that while narcissists can appear very different they are not so different after all. (Fuel acquisition being central, etc.) It is brilliant and outshines ANY psychiatrist, psychologist or other sort of clinician I have ever labored with. I worked alongside of a very bright Harvard educated psychiatrist to build a program several years ago and she has no edge on your breadth of knowledge. And she was good at her craft–gifted etc. I’m finding the concept isn’t so overwhelming as it was initially and that is in large part due to you. Thank you. I think you are wonderful.
Thank you.
Actually, Narcissists overcome the negativity and repression of their narc parent by pushing away the negativity and ignoring it. They move forward to spite them, to achieve what the parent says they can’t or shouldn’t do. I think I can grasp that. As an empath, I was stunted by that negativity, obeying my narc parent, trusting and fearful. A narcissist succeeds, he’s created another world where he’s fearless. I think I’m understanding it.
I get it because it’s sort of the opposite of what I did as a kid.
Narcissists bury their abuse inside where it can’t touch them. And they create a fantasy world where they’re fearless and perfect and superior so no one can reach them or hurt them. Like with any of us, sometimes getting mad is the energy you need to make something happen, reach a goal without even thinking, just because you’re mad enough. That’s what I’m guessing they do every day to fuel them through, it’s the humiliating fury of their abuser that they use to fuel them through their fantasy and achieve everything fearlessly.
I buried me inside where no one could ridicule me, and I wore a pretend inferiority cloak because that was better to me than allowing anyone to hurt the real me. I did not feel inferior to anyone, but I pretended to be, I was shy. There was a reason, I was hiding, and I was hiding what I thought was a dysfunctional family. I repressed me for later when it was safe to come out, but I never really developed. I hated for someone to say, just be yourself, because I had no idea who that was. In life, family and mother narc’s get swapped for narc boyfriends and bosses. You’re just surviving all your life and you know things aren’t quite normal, but you can’t fix it until the lightbulb goes off and a brick hits you in the head, and suddenly you understand. So I didn’t stay shy, I did turn into a social person, but most of me has still been residing inside.
Narcissists can often be more successful, but they suffered the consequences of the abuse worse. They never stopped pretending, they still don’t trust anyone, and they’re still living with it. Maybe they need negative fuel from us because they’re not getting it from their narc parent anymore. They’re still playing that game. They may have repressed themselves too, never developed, and still feel like they’re only pretending. They need to stop playing, stop trying to prove themselves, because no one’s abusing them anymore except themselves.
Sorry for this long thing, but I’m tapping away this post on my phone, this blog sounding board is good therapy as I figure out a lifetime. Twilight Zone of bizarreness.
He’s not fearless. He’s driven by fear. He’s consumed by fear.
kelfairly
Yes, you are getting it. Very good. It takes a while to understand. They create their own world so they can survive.
As you say, stop explaining things to a narcissist. Somehow, they’re uncompleted people. What’s inside that’s driving them is something they’ve made a habit of avoiding their whole life. And there’s a fine line between a repressive, introverted narcissist and an empath. A narcissists lieutenants are likely inverted narcissists, groomed by a narc parent to perfectly cater to a narcissists needs. I wish they knew no one is inferior to them, so that they could truly appreciate how beautiful they really are, and understand everyone else is too. Like life is a piece of art that they just can’t grasp.
Kelfairly
I like your art analogy.
Thank you much NarcAngel
I agree!