Why the Narcissist Downgrades
“HG, I am decent-looking, have a good job, I am intelligent, caring, fun and interesting, I dress well, I am a dab hand at cooking and nobody has ever complained about my bedroom skills and he has left me for THAT! Why?!”
It is a refrain I have often heard.
Why, when the narcissist could have you, did he go and choose somebody who is clearly inferior to you in so many different ways?
What is so good about her or him?
Where have you gone wrong?
Why on earth has he chosen her over you?
Why has the narcissist downgraded?
This gives you the answer and it will not only help you understand, it will make you feel a whole lot better too.
33 thoughts on “Why the Narcissist Downgrades”
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This article is my saving grace!
It is 100% truth.
Word!
Thanks HG for helping me to understand and move on I will!!
Urr .
Can you imagine though finding out that you were the *stop gap* yourself… Even when you weren’t wearing a tag (!! lol)..or any of the other awful things… Seriously though II kno it’s not funny of course 😑
..
but still found imagine finding out or realising that you was a stop gap.. in whatever way because they wanted to ‘upgrade’… So there is the second victim as the narcissist moves on to the third person…
It just never ends…the only time it would end is when they became in their 70s and found out they have 2 years to live… They would then stick with an appliance because they couldn’t have an affair…
That’s what Michael Winner the director did… It’s in his biography..
So much of this stuff with women and unfaithfulness etc… Recycling girlfriends having secondary sources… He’s written about it all.
,”Whereas you have long hair, hers is shorn short and looks as if it has been done in anticipation of her beginning a marine training course.’
And
“You learn she has no job, or is wearing an electronic tag..”
Haha…really made me laugh.
Great article on so many levels.
Mine picked my cousin’s wife and made sure I somehow find out :)))) . He did it just to hurt me. It bothered me for about 2 days. Childish, he doesn’t like her and she is, indeed, the complete opposite of me. But we share the surname and the birth date. He has totally manipulated her for the last 3 months and made her send me regular nasty comments on my hair (my hair is absolutely drop dead gorgeous, hers is… well, not worth mentioning, way bellow average. She, as a whole, is a sad, pathetic, uninspiring woman who cries over her lost youth. Perfect, double fuel for him).
I had blocked him on facebook in July and now I have blocked her too, She kept intruding daily on my page, on various reasons. Well, he is now stuck with a chick he doesn’t like at all and he has to deal with it. I know for a fact he hates everything about her melancholia, the music she likes, everything is what he dislikes. His idea of hurting me didn’t work out, I’m afraid, and the fuel she provides is stale and cannot compare to me, EVER.
And I have replaced him already, but I did not let him know with whom. I just let him now he is history. And my guy is everything he is not. I get a lot of fuel myself knowing he doesn’t know who the guy is. I let him believe “the guy” is another one, who looks just like David Bowie (he is a David Bowie fan and always wished he looked like Bowie, which he doesn’t, he is short, thick, black eyed and cannot sing). I tremendously enjoy te situation.
HPD versus Malignant Narc is still playing 😀
My ex picked an alcoholic, abusive, affluentish unconvicted rapist. Conveniently, he’s also a DJ at a club we used to frequent and it’s been a huge pain in the ass. He talked so much unmerited shit behind my back that the red flags went up and I figured it out.
Panic pick: another narcissist
2 finger salute: I pretty much had to rearrange a huge part of my social life. “Nothing against you, of course.” (Uh… Why would I take it that way, unless it was intended to be?)
It all worked out though. They’ve got a fantastic fuel depot to share which might even keep me from getting hoovered.
I literally thought I was losing my freaking mind until HG told me about panic picks and then I saw this. I would still be in a state of utter befuddlement at the harlot my ex is dating. It is complete hilarity. She in fact posted homage to her “area code” from her birth dwelling on Facebook at one time. Generally this is isolated to degenerates in urban areas–they often tattoo themselves with their area codes. AND, HG clarified that my ex has zero clue that she is disgusting because she is meeting his needs. Thank goodness for you HG! And please never ever let your fuel run so low as to pick up a bar whore from the back row of a church.
He was scrambling for supply. She was unattractive and packing a lot of beef. He is probably with some hooker now. Gross
Although this does not apply to me in the exact perspective you wrote it from (since I am a DLS and he already has an IPPS) but I still find myself comparing myself to the IPPS ALL THE TIME!!!!! And even the former DLS/IPSS (the one before me that I knew about) too.
Always comparing.
However from what I know about them and the info I have sleuthed from social media, I have more (non physical) similarities with them than I have come to realize.
Thank God I have gone no contact and I will never know. Not that I care anyway.
I wish I could be totally no contact, but my kids are around these “characters.” My ex’s panic pick has a brother (with whom he associates with and takes my children around) that is a convicted arsonist, credit card thief, and larcenist. Clearly he has an anti-social/narcissistic disposition. I keep having the, “don’t let anyone touch you” talk because of the filth my ex associates with.. I’m hoping we can overturn his ability to take the children around people that like to set fires. It seems the least the judge can do. The said brother even looks like a Neanderthal. I wish I could post a photo here.
HG, there is always a LOT of thought fuel that goes into writing up these scenarios. I personally would not react in the way you write about. I have way too much pride to show a reaction.
I’ll think them….but not show it.
My ex of 10 years (2 kids) who I finally left after planning my escape for 8 months, got a new GF 2 weeks later. I haven’t met her yet. He told me himself. Lots of the above scenarios run through my head but at the end of the day I am trying to not supply any fuel.
I just keep telling myself that my Mama always told me to give my toys to the less fortunate when I’d finished playing with them!
Gypsy-feet, I tried to be like that, not show reaction. I wasn’t very good at it. I’d last a day or two then I’d have to get some kind of jab in. He hated my jabs so it always led to an explosion.
Good for you for not giving him fuel. Too bad for the less fortunate though!
Gypsy..love it! Good for you!
All I know is my replacement better have plenty of AA batteries
& the capacity to transport herself elsewhere.
About two weeks ago, JN’s old best friend from college (who is the relative of the family I work with) messaged me randomly to chat. Had been about 3 years since I’ve talked to him because he lives out of state now.
He had brought up JN though and was pretty blunt about saying JN’s new girlfriend is “hideous” and he has no clue how JN has sex with her. It does sound harsh and mean. Yet it’s true. I found it a great opportunity to let him know how JN really treated me even up until earlier this year. And then added this just makes it easier for JN to manipulate and control this girl behind closed doors because right now she thinks she is with such a great, handsome guy. Said friend was feeling bad for the new gf by the time I was done.
For the record, I am 4 months NC with JN. Longest stretch ever, including all social media staying blocked.
Well done, keep it up.
Thank you HG!
Clarece, way to go!! How do you feel after 4 months?
Hi Mercy!
Wish I could say better than I did. What provided answers in one area, has just proven problematic in other areas for me now, as far as having major trust issues, anxiety, etc.
Clarece, 4 months is a milestone to be proud of and yet a very short time in the healing process. At least you’re away from the cause of these problems and can focus on YOU without the distraction of the narcissist. Hang in there. You’re 3 months in ahead of me in NC and Im sure we are bound to go through many emotions on this journey.
Clarece
Are you sure it was random and he’s not poking around? I hope not but it seems a bit suspect. Three years since you spoke to him and he’s aware of JN’s girlfriend being hideous and brought her up? (although I took that to mean he has been in her company and not just his opinion of her looks (which IS harsh and mean), but perhaps not). Great work on the 4 months.
“Are you sure it was random and he’s not poking around? I hope not but it seems a bit suspect. Three years since you spoke to him and he’s aware of JN’s girlfriend being hideous and brought her up?”
I was thinking the same thing…..
😐
Hi NA! I agree that it can appear strange that JN’s friend reached out to me. But it was a completely different reason he texted me and then as conversation flowed, he brought JN up. I work for his family and have known him since he was 4. He also wanted to know if I followed his ex girlfriend on Instagram (before the Kardashian wanna be that he’s with now,) and if she seems happy and moved on. And, no, he was being a total brat saying JN’s gf is hideous. But he is living with a total looker who could be a contestant off The Bachelor franchise. I mean next to her I’d be in The Freaks and Geeks crowd. So there’s that.
Clarece
I see. Still strange from the outside looking in. It will be interesting to see if there is contact again from either he or JN. I hope not, but his contact appears a little self serving on the face of it. Only you know the original reason for contact and I hope its valid. Just looking out where I really have no business again. I’ll go back to my corner at Vigilance and Interference now lol.
Hi NA! It was a total self serving move. Now that two weeks have passed and I can view the whole conversation for what it was. Part of it led to him feeling some family friction now that he’s out of touch more being out of state for his job. I gave him some advice how to broach the subject gently. Two days later, his mom (my bff) comes to work and says her daughter got a really sweet text from her brother and it opened the lines of communication in a really good way. I asked her what she thought prompted that. She said “probably from his girlfriend who is really close with her family”. This is the girlfriend who just had her parents treat her to a spa weekend in FL and a new $1500 Louis Vuitton purse. HA! Wrong! His opening line was almost verbatim what I told him to use as an ice breaker.
So I waited another 3 days and just sent him a friendly text of “hey, did your week turn out well?”
Didn’t even acknowledge it. You think I’d get a thank you? After he said the night we were chatting that he feels like he could “tell me anything because I know so much family history.” Whatever.
His mom and sister felt better and I love them to pieces so by gones. But I’m not going to jump with my friendly counsel so quick next time.
Good for Clarece!🌻
Thank you FM1T! You’ve been here for the long ride. Means a lot! ❤🌷
You have been here always cheering everyone else on Clarece. Now it is your turn. I know how hard this is for you. You can do this! 😘
This is true. The first girl I found out about was (I’ll be nice) nothing like me. My first reaction was “Ha!”. Then it was “maybe this is what he wants from a girl” now it’s “why did I ever try to impress him? He has no standards”
I wasn’t nice–my empathic traits are not strong enough to feel bad for her. If she were disabled and he was using her for money or something of course I’d feel bad for her. In fact, I’m certain her cluster b is abound and plentiful so they are probably feeding off one another.
Kathy there are to many for me to go into detail. Most of them are just a number in his collection and I could care less about them. A few that have been around a little longer (IPSS) hate me but I know eventually they will figure it out. Some day they will want answers from me but right now they live in denial. The IPPS, I don’t feel sorry for her but I do feel a connection or a understanding of what she’s been through. For years I hated her (not knowing she was the primary) but these last 6 months or so I realize that every opinion I had toward her was created by him. In order for him to keep up the facade for so long he had to paint her as a monster. I don’t have empathy toward them, the manipulation was too thorough. I do understand they are victims too though.
Mercy—you are much kinder than me. I could care less if he victimizes her. She chose to sleep with a still married man a few weeks after meeting him at his home in front of his kids! Her boundaries are ridiculous and she is clearly disordered. My 9-year-old son asked me just today, “Mommy, why does Angie look so old?” I wanted to laugh and tell him it’s because she is an alcoholic that doesn’t sleep at night or use sunscreen in the summer. I took a deep breath and changed the subject.
Kathy, haha I get it. Our situations are completely different. In my case these women had no idea what my role was in his life. I am no saint though. There were a few that tried to cause me intentional harm after they found out about me. My immediate reaction was “destroy the bitch”. Now that I’m away I’ve let that anger go.