How Long Can You Resist?
Can you hear me knocking? Open the door and let me in? I know you want to. It is only me. You know me. You know me better than anybody else. Come on, I know you are thinking about me. That is what happens. I am on your mind and in your thoughts. I am whirling around in that messed-up mind of yours. It is messed up. I didn’t do it. I didn’t do anything wrong. I never do. It was a real state before I even appeared. I just took advantage. But look, that is in the past and we don’t need to talk about the past (expect I suppose when it suits me). I know you want to hear my voice again don’t you? You miss hearing me. You miss those long conversations on the telephone that we used to have, two hours or more where there was never a lull. I know you remember them. I know you keep looking at your ‘phone hoping that it will ring and that it will be me. I know you feel a phantom buzz when you have stashed your phone on your person and you keep pulling it from your pocket and checking. You tell your friends that your mother needs to speak to you, just so they won’t groan or roll their eyes at you for wanting it to be me. I know you are itching to call me. Go on, why don’t you? You can speak to me again and it will be just like before, all of the wonderful stuff. I will reinstate it in an instant because look, I have had a lot on, I have been tired, I have been worried and so on and so forth blah blah blah. I will trot anything out because once you see me smiling at you, you won’t be listening any more.
No, you will be thinking back to that kiss as we stood in that park with the sound of the breeze through the autumnal trees. That first kiss after the days of flirting through text and call. That magical, marvellous, mesmeric kiss. The first of a million. One in a million. I know you close your eyes and stand in that park and allow yourself to be taken back to that time a year ago. That day when we both drove there and met beneath the towering trees, the September sunshine still warm and I stood there, my magnetic smile on display as you half-ran towards me and I took you in my arms and then we kissed. Imagine doing that again? Oh you have of course. A thousand times.
Send me a text. You may as well. I will answer you and I will put a kiss on the end, just to tempt you. I know your heart will surge when you see that and all thoughts of staying away from me will begin to evaporate on seeing that. Text me. Just one text. It is easy enough. I know you haven’t deleted my number despite the promises you have made to do so. You just could not bring yourself to do it.
Call me. Ring me up and tell me what a bastard I am. Go on. Unleash that anger. Let it out. How many times have you sobbed to your friends about what I did to you? What a cruel and heartless bastard I am. I do not deserve you do I? No, but I deserve being told what I have done to you. You need to get it off your chest don’t you? You should. Go on, just press that button and I will answer you and you can let rip at me. Hey, even better, why not suggest we meet up and then you can have that show down that you have always envisaged. I know you have thought through all the things you have wanted to say to me but feel that I prevented you from saying when I just disappeared and then ignored your frantic attempts to get in touch with me. Tell me how broken I left you. Tell me how your friends hate me too. Tell me how your brother is going to batter me. Go on, I know that anger is still raging through you and you need to let it out. Surely after everything you have put up with you are entitled to one last hurrah?
Make that call late at night. I know you are lying in the dark thinking about me, hands entwined around the shirt I left which still smells of my scent. You know you ought to throw it away or burn it but you just cannot do it can you? You still want that connection. You still want to be able to inhale my fragrance and somehow relish the agonised joy as your mind is flooded with my memory. It is a lonely place now that bed isn’t it? Why not send me a text and we can exchange some saucy messages? Rekindle that fire again. It will make you feel better. I might even be tempted to come and see you and take you in your bed once again and let you experience the magic that I possess. The sex was brilliant wasn’t it? I know you cannot lie about that. I have heard what you have said to people about how you hate me but the sex was off the charts. Let’s do it again. Why not? It will make you feel so much better. Just text me, ring me, message me. You just have to reach out because I know you are dying to.
You may as well flick through those pictures again and smile with regret and longing as they evoke all those momentous times from when we were happy together. So many pictures, so many smiles. Have a look at my Facebook profile again. I did not block you. I would not do that. I want you to see how I am doing. Those messages are for you by the way. I am sure that the cryptic comments that I have posted with those pictures will have been picked up on by you and considered and reflected on. Those were for you. I wanted you to know how much I am missing you and you need your daily fix of stalking my social media. Yes, there was somebody else and I know you will have seen and been distraught to know that she was now receiving my love, my perfect love. How that must have burned inside of you as you realised that somebody else was now the recipient. I knew you would but don’t worry, she isn’t a patch on you so why don’t you come and see me and we can start it all again. I know you want to.
Come and see me. Help me. You are the only one who truly knows me. You know more about me than anybody else. The others, huh, they meant nothing to me. They were aberrations but you, you are the real deal. I love you still. I always have. Just come and see me and I will prove it to you. I will make the changes you want me to do and I know you believe in me. You see the good in me don’t you, you are the one who can let it out and help me. Please help me. I just need to be fixed and you are the one with the tools to do it. There is only you. Please don’t let me down. I need you. I will change. I will be better. I promise. Just come and see me and give me the chance to show you. That is only fair isn’t it? You are a fair person, I know you are, that is why I love you so much.
Come on, just get in touch with me and all this pain can go away. There is no need for it. You just need to press those buttons, dial that number or best of all just turn up. Imagine how romantic it will be. You turning up unexpectedly (but not really) in the rain and I sweep you into my arms again and everything will be good and golden and great once again. Do it. Do it. Give me the dressing down. Come to bed with me. Kiss me again. Tell me how you feel. Offer me forgiveness. Let me know what has happened to you. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Do it. Do it. Get in touch. Reach out. Stop the pain. End the hurt. Bring back the joy. Resurrect us. Ignite the passion. Let love reign. Do it. You can do it. I believe in you. End this agony. Let it go. Berate me. Love me. Chastise me. Fuck me. Hate me. Contact me. Contact me. Contact me.
I can hear my ‘phone ringing.
44 thoughts on “How Long Can You Resist?”
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Omg, this article is so telling and feels like it’s my ex narc’s exact thoughts being expressed. My mouth dropped during reading this because of how accurate it is and how you are aware of our feelings and our desire to contact you. At one point I was so naive, I didn’t think my ex narc knew what he was doing to me, like he didn’t fully understand how much the affects of his toxic behavior had on me. Goodness, I am so glad I found your site.
You are welcome TT.
I just wanted to add….
This only works when emotional thinking is in charge, when you are stranded at sea desperately searching for land and safety. It’s a journey that must be conquered before you live again.
These words only work when we are weak and worn down from the ups and downs.
BUT……………..
Then these words mean nothing after we have educated ourselves and built our defences. We can’t be tempted any longer because we know the truth of their existence,
For me it’s been a journey of self discovery (as cheesy as that sounds)
On 22nd October it was my 1 yr. anniversary of No Contact!! Since this time last year I have done the following:
1) Found HG and like a sponge I soaked up everything he offered, digested it, cried over it, hated him, hated myself, painfully missed the ex, found understanding, found forgiveness, changed my life.
2) Started a new job I was head hunted for, and I have made my mark running this department. I took a leap of faith and I love my new role.
3) I accepted a girly weekend invite for a spa weekend – I would have previously declined because he wouldn’t have wanted me to go. I went! I had fun!
4) I celebrated my 41st with another girly weekend away dressed as the Spice Girls for a hot tub weekend. People I love supported me and showed me my worth, something I had forgotten. (This is when he first started to break my resolve in terms of NC, 7 months down the line he got back in touch with me) Of course, I ignored and went to HG.
5) I remained strong and ignored his malign and benign hoovers over the next 4-5 months – Reaching out to HG when needed, still reading, still listening to his work. I found others at work who needed HG’s help too – so I started to help them and spread the word of HG’s work.
6) I solo travelled to Miami for 3 weeks at the beginning of October – out of my comfort zone completely! I found women all over the world just like us, they were inspiring! I made friends, I travelled 4500 miles away to find some peace and to make new memories and I have come back a different person looking to research my next solo travel trip!
I WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE ANY OF THIS – NOT ONE THING IN THIS LIST IF I WAS STILL WITH HIM. He literally sucked the life out of me – and with that any little confidence I did have.
So a big thanks to HG, the readers and contributors of this blog – wow I really have cried with you, laughed and totally related to your own stories!
To the newbies on this blog… there is life after Narc.
Trust in yourself, HG and the blog contributors. You’ll get there!! Hang on.
Presque Vu,
Congrats on your year (and counting)!
I love what you have been doing!
And that you can build a life you love.
Woo Hoo!
Perse
Presque Vu, I’m very happy you’ve come so far. Sounds like you are really enjoying your life again. Keep it up! xx
Thanks Persephone and Blank!!
I really think it’s possible to come out the other side even stronger than before and thanks to HG I’m now weaponised!
I hope everyone here finds their peace and inspiration to move forwards too.
Oh and congratulations HG on over 12 million hits! Great stuff!
“Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Do it. Do it. Get in touch. Reach out. Stop the pain. End the hurt. Bring back the joy. Resurrect us. Ignite the passion. Let love reign. Do it. You can do it. I believe in you. End this agony. Let it go. Berate me. Love me. Chastise me. Fuck me. Hate me. Contact me. Contact me. Contact me.”
I imagine this was the refrain going through the narcissist ex affair partner’s head as she planted herself on the edge of the dance floor to stare at my husband as he performed last Thursday night. Her drunk boyfriend outside, I think he refused to watch the spectacle because she literally watched my husband ALL night long. First standing on the edge of the dance floor, then taking a seat against the wall by herself. I went and sat in the seat in front of her, just a table between us. Then I danced with my favorite partner, he’s a very good dancer and to look at my husband she had to look at us.
I imagine her rage bubbling inside, to see me dancing with another man in front of my husband, who she’s never going to stop obsessing over until she dies. She told me that I could never love him the way SHE does, that he will always be thinking about her. Such an ego and yet there she sits, pining after a man who hasn’t contacted her once, in any form, in over two years. While I dance with whomever I choose and enjoy my husband’s attention and company despite her malevolent pursuit.
HG, what if you reject a M-R narcissist who keeps grooming you for months and is really desperate to make you his IPPS but you play mind games with him and keep him as a friend? After months of seduction he became sulky and started to give ultimatums “if you don’t want me just tell me the truth”. What if you reject him at this point? Will he treat it as your “escape” and will do everything that narcissists do when victim escapes (silent treatments, hoovering, playing a victim, stalking)?
I need more detail about the dynamic to provide an accurate answer and recommend that you organise a consultation.
Congratulations on hitting 12 million HG.
Thank you.
Congratulations on 12 million, HG! I remember being so excited for you at 1 million only a couple years ago! I’m very glad you’re still here and look forward to each million milestone!
Thank you.
Wow HG all your posts the past few days are very timely for me, this one especially.
MMRN made a move on the last remaining platform that we are connected on yesterday. Clearly aimed at me to confuse/instigate insecurity/question if he has discarded me etc.
Perhaps he noticed I’ve closed all other channels, who knows. I’m sure he wants me to text him, just to status check, which will NOT HAPPEN. I almost did, had a flare of ET for about two hours, but managed to remind myself why it’s not worth it. I have only very rarely won these battles in the past. Every time I do I feel a little stronger, like maybe I can do it.
Thank you HG
Supernova,
Good for you. I am proud of you.
ME? Not so much. I text him just to see if he would reply after a text sound in a movie re surged my ET. It was just a general BS text about kids and job but was just enough to mess with me for about 4 days.
Right now, I am just kinda in limbo again. Not ready to go back NC because of course my ET is back but going to start working my way towards it.
To be honest with you and myself most importantly, I am still hooked. Even when I was NC I knew it would not last. Maybe I just did not give it enough time. BUT somewhere in the future, I will try again.
Kim e,
This is my third try. Both other times lasted six weeks. I’m about a week in now since I fully closed the loopholes. It feels good so far, nice to not check my phone etc.
I’ve had a few moments where I wanted to log into apps to see if he’s tried to text me, but I’ve managed to distract myself until it passed each time, and I have not checked.
My gut instinct is that I won’t hear anything for a few months, and then I’ll get something from him in a friendly “just seeing how you are” capacity. I have zero confidence (at this point in time anyway) that I can resist a message like that from him. But I’m hoping more time will put more distance from the ET and more ice around my heart.
I get what you are saying, and I’ve been there many times. Just stuck in neutral. Not pushing for interaction cause you know it’s bad for you, but can’t give up the open communication channels. You’re right, you can work back towards it. The danger is just that he’ll decide he wants your fuel before you get there, and rope you back in. I know that you understand all of that, and all we can do is what we can do.
Hugs xo
No I see only a liar, sneak, and cheat in those pictures. I don’t want your calls or to hear your voice tell me how great you are(n’t) and what a piece of shit I am. I’m tired of your immaturity, selfishness, brutality, blame shifting, etc etc
I have seen so much death and abuse. I don’t know how or why I’m still alive but who knows for how much longer anyway. You and your kind have programmed society to endorse and condone this horror.
Leave me alone. You go die.
I’m so thankful that one of the first things other than NC that I read was to get rid of the everpresence. I did gather a box of things together, but mostly for me this meant going through my phone and deleting a ton of photos. It’s amazing how quickly memory fades when you can’t scroll through “the happy times.”
My last thing to go was our football connection but I’ve severed9 that at your advice also. Thank you, HG.
Wissh, ugh I’ve gotten rid of everything except text, email, and messenger convos. I don’t read them, I just want to hang on to the proof. I know he smears me and if ever given the chance I’d like proof to back up my story.
I’m sure this is frowned upon by the boss but I can’t hit delete. I was thinking of screenshots of the convos then putting them on a portable device that I can lock away. Yes? No? Thoughts.
Mercy,
I have screenshots of convos, screenshots of pics sent to me, screenshots to prove shady accounts are his, etc. I sent them to an email address I made for this purpose, that I have never accessed, except to see that the screenshots went through. I have them as insurance and something to use if absolutely necessary.
I hope to God I never have to access that email account.
And I only did this because I’m sure he has the same shit on me saved somewhere.
Mercy
I made screen shots of everything then printed them out on paper and stored them away in a box. Took a lot of paper and ink cartridges, but I’m glad I did it. Like you, I wanted to hold onto “proof.”
And I attached importance to what all we’d said.
Now I’m close to just throwing it all away. A friend suggested I have a bonfire, but I think that gives it too much significance. As the years pass, I realize that like the actual”relationship,” it was all just garbage and at best is just so much clutter in my life.
Mercy
Through two phones and a year I managed to keep all our texts, which of course also contained pics. One day in just a split second of courage I hit delete. And it was all gone. The regret was immediate and actual panic set in. But it didn’t last long, certainly not at panic level, and maybe only a couple of days all together. It was mostly about the pics. In the months since I’m thankful for that split second, and for the time it cost me to delete every other thing related to him, because now the obsession is limited to only my unbidden thoughts and memories. Initially I overanalyzed every memory, seeing it through the new lenses, now knowing he is a narc. And he truly is, I did the consult, cerebral umrn. Once I’d done that a few times, I was able to stop romanticizing and accept how lacking our time together was. I don’t even hold much of a grudge against him because in retrospect he gave me plenty of hints. I just didn’t understand what they meant. Anyway, that whole ramble is to say I think it would help you to delete the last ties to your narc.
Ok so my restraining order was Over on Tuesday. Now there has been no contact from him! He’s stalked the whole time of the order watching me and sitting up the road and also bagging me on Facebook. I’ve still got everything he owns and his dog! Why has the stalking stopped and no contact??! Reading this he obviously wants me to message him! Anyone’s thoughts ???
Thoughts?
Marie,
Do you want contact with him? If you got a restraining order in the first place, you know that he is dangerous to you. If you don’t want him to contact you, do what you can to make yourself safe, (maybe have the restraining order extended.
Read HG’s books “No Contact” and “Exorcism”.
Alternatively, you may wish to consult with HG.
I hate having to go through Facebook to get to the blog. I have to go by a different name. And it pisses me off.
Tammy,
Go to WordPress, and sign up. No looking at facebook just to gain entry. Call yourself whatever you want.
You’ll get notifications of replies to your posts, too, without having to go searching on the blog every time. 😉
I have been on this site for four days now, reading nonstop, I cannot get enough, it feels a little like being in shock, reading my life over the past 5 years and realizing this is truly what he is 😢. Thank you HG, the emotional thinking hardly exists at this point…..I’m just numb
BGbunny
That’s how I reacted. Its amazing and validating all at once so I read like it was going to disappear haha, but you can pace yourself – its not going anywhere. Welcome.
BGbunny
My sentiments exactly. It’s been very freeing, hasn’t it?
Yes, I felt the same. I couldn’t read too much. It was overwhelming. The truth will set you free. When I realised what my husband was – everything made sense.
Don’t instigate me HG, you know as well as I do that I’m going to make that call. It’s Friday 😉
Never call
Never ever call
You are calling your own destruction
Never ever call
Wow, that sounds desperate 😏
All my feelings are gone. Right now I can not believe how crazy in love I have been. My emotional thinking is over. Let’s celebrate!
Me, celebrating with you!!! It just gets better from where you finally understand yourself and them. Congrats!
This cut deep.
“Berate me. Love me. Chastise me. Fuck me. Hate me. Contact me. Contact me. Contact me.
I can hear my ‘phone ringing.”
Yeah. It rang yesterday as I was planning to confront you to ask you why you excluded me from your Facebook announcement. And why you indirectly made me aware of your exclusion by having our mutual friend text me about it.
You didn’t answer my call because you are a childish coward. And then a few hours later you had the nerve to text me and say “check your Facebook now, you should be able to see everything”.
I did check but still saw nothing. Not that I would tell you that though. Liar. I did however reply to ask you why I was excluded. And it was met with…silence. You probably do not even have a reason. You just wanted to feel like a big shot.
I am just going to stick my fingers in my ears, sing “la la la I can’t hear you” and cover my eyes, and pretend that none of that happened yesterday. Just like you do to show what a coward YOU are.
(My apologies for writing that in the perspective of speaking to Saint Piano, but a dear reader’s wise advice to me was “don’t talk to him, talk to the blog instead”….so that is what I just did).
Fots, do you now regret you made the phonecall? I’m asking because the last few times I broke NC I hated myself afterwards.
FOTS,
The mind games go on and on ad nauseum. I feel you.
You did the right thing writing here. Don’t give him any more on the subject.
Oooh FOTS your man frustrates the hell out of me! But also, why should he change any which way he is – because you will put up with absolutely anything he does. If I know this…. then so does he.
I’m sorry to be so blunt. Surely you cannot be surprised at anything he does now. You are an amazing woman on hold… you are on hold FOTS – just think about that! At his beck and call. You need rehab to get through the addiction to him. Consult with HG I beg you!!
You are very funny! Rant all you want, we’re listening!
Fuel on the shelf,
Sometimes it just helps to let it out and feel heard. 😊
❤️