The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 6
You want to be someone to my kind and me.
That will not happen.
You are a something to us, not a someone.
I do not relate to you. Why should I? I regard myself as superior, elevated and special. The petty concerns which govern your life do not apply to me. I do not do accountability. Certainly I have some understanding of what it means to be you, after all I have listened to you tell me so many times about how you feel and I have watched you and others like you so often. I do not feel it however. I cannot put myself in your shoes. I do not want to and even if I did, I am unable to do so because I neither have that emotional empathy or the even stronger emotional contagion that you experience.
Yes, I can see the differences between you and her, him and them. I can see the contrasts in height, body shape, she has green eyes and you have blue eyes, he has no hair and he has dreadlocks. I recognise physical attractiveness, I see the different clothes that you wear, the variances in shoes worn, jewellery displayed and such like. I notice all of that but that does not make you more of a person to me. It is merely the distinction between a washing machine that is white and one which is silver.
Take my television which is placed at the far end of the main sitting room. It is a Samsung Curved SUHD HDR Dot Smart TV 78″ television that I primarily watch sport on. It provides me with a picture which is in pinsharp crikey vision with a scintillating array of colours. The sound is impressive and it looks sleek and attractive. It delivers an outstanding display and therefore delivers what I require of it.
Take you as my primary source. I can see that you stand 5ft 9″ in height, you are slender, with pale skin and long brown hair to the small of your back, which becomes slightly wavy towards the end. Your face is oval. Your eyes are green. You look sleek and attractive. You are an outstanding display of physical attractiveness. I know all this but your primary purpose is to provide me with positive fuel and you do so impressively. You therefore deliver that which I require of you.
You are no different to my television. You are there to provide a function. You are to deliver in accordance with the Prime Aims, which are the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. If you do and you do so in a fulsome manner, you are a high functioning appliance. If you do not, you are a malfunctioning one.
You and the television are there to do things for me, because I am entitled to that.
I press your buttons by seducing you or later provoking you and you must churn out fuel for me. You at the time of the golden period are my favourite appliance. I have many appliances, other objects which spew out fuel in varying quantities and differing potencies. I have connected all of these appliances to me because again my objectification of you is also linked to the need to exert control. If I want to eat some toast, I place two slices of bread in my Alessi toaster and press the lever down, adjust the relevant control to govern the degree of toasting required and a minute or two later I have two perfectly toasted slices. It works each and every time. I control it. It does what i want. It does not refuse to toast my bread, it does not only toast one side, it does not fire the bread back at me or instead produce a different outcome altogether by presenting me with a leg of lamb. I expect you to be equally compliant and effective. I do not understand why you should not be. You are there to do what I want, I am entitled to receive the Prime Aims and since I installed you as my primary source, you should be delivering them repeatedly, consistently and without interruption. I am not interested in the vagaries of your life which impacts upon your ability to function because of my sense of entitlement, my notion of superiority and of course my incessant needs and demands.
Objects are far easier to control. They are installed, powered and they function. If they stop functioning then they are thrown away and they are replaced. Accordingly, when you stop delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims you suffer the same fate. I do not have time to repair you, you are put to one side and a better, shinier, more effective model takes your place. How did I ever manage without it? Why did I put up with you as a faltering appliance for so long?
You may look at your replacement and wonder why on earth that appliance has been chosen over you. It might be because you gave everything you could to us. It might be because you can see that you are more capable, more interesting, more intelligent and better looking than your replacement. Perhaps you are, perhaps those distinguishing features are there, but you were not delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims and your replacement is doing so which means that they are infinitely superior to you. You are dispensable. Ally the fact that we see you and others as objects with our necessity for performance, our lack of remorse and conscience and you can understand (or maybe begin to understand) why we find it so easy to dis-engage with you and place you on the scrap heap and choose another appliance with such ease.
If you end a relationship, you may be concerned to ensure that the other person is not too devastated, that they are doing okay because even though you may not want to be in a Formal Relationship longer you largely still care about the well-being of another human being. To us that is pointless. Why use your energy dealing with something that is ineffective? That is a waste of time.
Your objectification makes it far easier for us to function. By regarding you as just another object which is there to perform for us, that is to be controlled by us and can be readily replaced when we deem it necessary, we achieve our aims far more readily. Performance and control are key and this is what objects do. Whether it is an ornament which looks beautiful and we can place where we want, to a motor vehicle which delivers us from A to B or a dishwasher which provides us with clean and streak free shining glasses, we control them all and they perform.
This objectification extends into how we regard different objects. For example, when you are seduced and embedded as the intimate partner primary source, you are our most prized possession. You are the one which will give us the necessary positive fuel each and every day in large amounts and with considerable potency. This means you will be looked after, you will be treated well, you will be paraded and shown off, like some prize piece of art or an expensive necklace. You will be placed carefully on that pedestal, polished, cleaned and maintained.
The tertiary source which works in the garage where we fill up with petrol every week is like an old teddy bear. We always say hello and receive a pleasant dollop of positive fuel as we feign interest in this person’s humdrum life. We have known this person for years and like that teddy bear, we see no need to throw them away, not yet, but nor do we regard there as being any necessity for maintenance. Accordingly, the corresponding teddy bear has a eye missing, some stuffing is spilling from inside and the fur has faded.
In the same way that one is careful with a delicate and expensive mirror, we will treat our appliances in the same way. Some can be kicked to one side, scuffed and stained, like a pair of old trainers, others are handled with care until we decide otherwise. Our appliances in our fuel network are regarded and handled in differing ways.
The trophy appliances, the primary source in the golden period or the longstanding inner circle successful friends who are non-intimate secondary sources, are displayed and shown off regularly. The much maligned familial non-intimate secondary source, a scapegoated sibling or child, is the hideous jumper that is only ever worn when it really has to be done and is otherwise derided and ridiculed. Our Lieutenants are our tools, the devices which we depend on to do our bidding as they are deployed to achieve our aims.
Our objectification of you is necessary for the purposes of maintaining control and achieving the Prime Aims. This objectification is achieved because of our lack of empathy. I no sooner can relate to how an iMac feels as to how you feel. I have no concern about whether my Mont Blanc pen feels. It is there to perform. I have a vested interest in you feeling for the purposes of providing fuel, but I am not concerned as to how you feel because I cannot empathise with you.
This objectification manifests not just in how we parade you as a trophy, devalue you without any concern for the impact on you and then how we dis-engage and replace you, but also in the way we interact with you. The use of pet names Pet is a way of dehumanising you. We refer to you as her, she, he and him, rather than your actual name, stripping you of identity (see It for an extreme method of doing so). We reject the legitimacy of your needs and desires by placing ours first. A fridge freezer has no aspirations, no life plan or goals and we reject their applicability to you also. This objectification appears in how we interact with you, especially during devaluation
“Just do it.”
“Do what I want.”
“Get on with it.”
“Stop disobeying me.”
“You will do it or else.”
There is no asking, no politeness, no consideration given. We do not ask the washing machine if it wouldn’t mind washing our clothes so why would we ask you if you wouldn’t mind doing something for us?
You and everybody else, from our parents to our friends, to our colleagues to our children are all objects which are expected to do our bidding. Perform and we will keep you. Fail and you are replaced.
Now, why is there a flashing light on your forehead?
55 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 6”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I’ve read this one before but the meaning is different today. Today is day 1 NC.
Hello, I’m “Supernova DE” and I’m addicted to the MMRN.
I did it. As best I can anyway, closed the loopholes. I broke right before and texted him a polite “one last chance to talk about it” message, very brief. He thanked me for wishing him well but didn’t respond to the rest. I said,” I guess that indicates you also think there’s nothing left between us. Truth hurts but at least it’s the truth.” No reply. As usual I’m not worthy of reply, I am nothing, disposable, at least to him. So I shut down the account, it was the last “easy” way for him to contact me.
I’m OK. Anxious, very slightly nauseous, but I could still eat. This is the right thing to do. To move on. I’ll miss it. The excitement of a secret text on my phone. The way he loved my body…in the beginning. But I know, it will never be different. I said that to him once, “Every time I think it will be different, but it just….never is.” Should’ve heard that truth way back then, but I didn’t.
History tells me he can’t give me what I wanted. An exclusive respectful real relationship. With IRL meetings and phone calls and sharing, and sensuality and affection. Even affairs are relationships, and setting expectations doesn’t mean I’m, “making this too big a deal.” Clearly I should have taken such comments to mean we aren’t compatible.
But I clung on. Not because I felt I couldn’t find another, they’d be lining up for the job if I let them. But because he was the one I wanted. Why? To prove to my 16 year old self that he really DID like me despite all his hot and cold behavior back then? To overcome a challenge? Because the way he was alternately attentive/supportive then dismissive/cold reminds me of my mother – acting out those old familiar childhood feelings? Ding ding. Winner.
I must prepare for the withdrawals. I don’t know how I will deal with the urge to text him. I need to beef up my pride. I will just look crazy with more back and forth than I’ve already engaged in – and thank fuck I found HG so I know I’m not crazy, it’s just the way this whole deal plays out.
My children need me, and they deserve it.
My husband needs me, and he deserves it.
My career needs my attention.
My home needs my attention.
My future needs my attention – and that doesn’t include him anymore.
Sorry so long HG, needed to vent today.
May I make a suggestion? To Supernova as well as to anyone else starting the NO CONTACT; find your very best friend and support person and make a deal with them. I have one and he said to me ‘everytime you want to text **the one you don’t really want to text**, TEXT ME! Day or night, I don’t care – when you feel the undying need to make contact, make it with me instead! He’s been my lifesaver and I can definitely attest to it helping with the initial withdrawal too right at the beginning! As time goes by, no contact gets easier, the silence more golden. If someone can give you this bridge to get you started, I’d highly recommend it. Best of luck.
Freedgypsysoul
Great advice about texting a friend. Worked for me, too!
Freedgypsysoul,
I agree and wish this could be the case for me. But for me it is an affair and there is no one I trust to tell about it, not even my therapist (small town and I know some of the staff who have access to reading my chart, I don’t trust the privacy of medical records over juicy gossip).
I had another moment this morning where I felt I should unblock him to allow him an opportunity to Hoover, but I checked my email instead and now I’m here posting so I did the right thing.
It’s odd how HG and the blog can strengthen one moment, then trigger me the next, but I’m learning how to tell the difference and when to write or when I should stay away. 33 days and counting…
keep up the great work Supernova!! 33 days is awesome! Small towns present their own challenges, I understand that.
You can tell the therapist and you should otherwise they don’t have the whole picture and can’t help you. My situation was affair too. Express your concern and I’m sure the therapist will address any privacy concerns. It’s really important you give them all the information.
33 days is great. I’m about 45 now and this is the longest I’ve made it. Just have to get thru his birthday and the holidays and I think I’m thru all the triggers for awhile. He’s been subtly letting me know he’s around. I’d say no hoovers but HG says some of the stuff he’s done are passive hoovers though I have not heard a word from him directly.
There is only one way out of this mess and that’s no more contact. I have stumbledd many times and that’s ok,but each time the duration gets longer. Fortunately? his silent treatment has conditioned me to expect no response so why bother.
Small towns have no concept of confidentiality; anything you discuss or do, is fair game to discuss with anyone else in the town because ‘everyone has known each other forever’. Can you get a therapist in another town, or via phone consult at home?
Lori,
Congrats on 45 days!!
“The only way out of this mess is more no contact” – YES!!!
I hate those damn passive hoovers. Makes me think I’m paranoid, but sometimes it just seems too coincidental to wave off.
Lori…congratulations to making it to your 45 days; you’re doing awesome! 🙂
You can’t discuss a patients confidential medical information that’s a good way to lose your license, your clients and maybe your practice. There are HIIPA regulations to protect against that. I don’t think any professional is willing to risk their livelyhood over a little gossip
Live in a small town Lori and you’ll soon realize the invalidity of that wishful thinking! I was in a town of 1100 people and confidentially is NOT respected. These people grew up together, went to school together, married best friends, divorced, still hang out….it does not matter. Because they have known each other since they were in diapers, there is NO confidentially, none. I’ve witnessed it, many times, first hand.
Which one of the professionals ‘friends’, whom you have just been discussed with as a juicy piece of gossip, is going to call HIPPA? Or the equivalent of in another country?
Here’s another thought…..if they don’t mention you by name, when discussing your situation with someone else, then how can they be charged with a breach of confidentiality? I mean, the fact that they have discussed enough information that a blind and deaf person could figure out the parties involved but hey, no names, So all is good! Confidentially not violated right?
Freedgypsysoul
I know exactly what you mean! I’ve worked nearly 30 years in a very small, rural county. Nothing stays secret. It’s like you say, they don’t actually say the names, but make it obvious. Besides, lots of people in the community already have a pretty good idea what’s going on anyway. No one could have an affair and it not be openly discussed like the weather, anyway – counselor or not.
I fully trust my therapist. She would never break HIPAA. And yes people get fired for breaking patient confidentiality. I had a staff member of mine get fired for looking in a patients chart they shouldn’t have about a year ago. But it happens every single day multiple times a day, and it DOES occur in a gossiping fashion. I have seen it.
My concern is that she can’t bill without documentation. So unless she’s willing to fudge my record about what we talked about (technically this is fraud) then it’s written down for any of the 20 or so staff to see. I am not “friends” with any of those people. But I am known in my smaller community due to my job, and a quick comment is easy to make, but then who hears it, and who do they make a comment to…on and on.
It’s not worth it. It’s one thing for those people to be able to see that I’m talking about my issues with my mother and my perfectionism and my concerns about my parenting etc. I’m not ok with ruining my reputation in the community or worse, at least not at this time.
It’s not a matter of respect. Respect really has nothing to do with it, it’s the law. I work with small niche of people who all know one another and confidentiality is required. I have to take training on this every year. If I were to disclose any of this information, I could lose my job and face legal action along with the firm I represent. Leaking medical information is no joke. It’s not just a casual slide of the tongue, there are legal ramifications. Now I can see not wanting someone who lives around you to know bur as far as disclosing that info ? That would be a very very foolish move
Lori
It is a very foolish move but it happens every day. I know things that I should never know about others and that people could lose their jobs over, but I know them all the same.
Supernova DE, you got this girl! You’re worth it.
MB,
Thank you! It’s been easier than I thought. Guessing the next month (holiday stress etc) might be worse but I’m feeling good about it.
You’re welcome Supernova DE! I’m
pulling for you. Maybe the holidays will have the opposite effect and work in your favor to keep you busy and your mind occupied.
Hi Supernova! You can do it, trust me! I am completely NC since I changed my job (3 weeks+4 months since cutting him off on all other out-of-work channels), no more way to contact me. And if you remember, I was saying here that I think it would be even more difficult to cut this last line of contact than it was when I blocked him on all other places. But in fact, it didn’t. It was very hard that last day, especially with his last message saying how I am a wonderful person, that he misses me bla bla..I did cry over reading it, but I just responded with neutral ” Thanks.” and blocked him there as well. My addiction is still there in the form of ever presence that I hope to get rid of as well in due course, but most of the time I feel peace and relief. From time to time I have crisis when I dream of him or let my ET overrule my logic, but I keep reading the ”message to myself” that I wrote with all bad things that happened that we forget to easily, especially as time goes by. He is on my mind every day, but it’s not that hurtful any more, especially since going NC. And I can totally understand what you mean by “an affair is also an relationship” – I wanted to make it real even in these circumstances where it couldn’t be so, but what hurt me the most was his lack of interest to make it a real one, in spite of his future faking. The very last stroke in an already full glass was when he didn’t wish me a happy birthday – because he didn’t even know which date it was!! I was surrounded with people who truly love me, my family, and yet he was the only one that I wished to congratulate me and show he cares. Even though I knew deep down that he never bothered to look at my work profile to see when it was and to to skip it..at least that is what I did for his…so after spending the whole day expecting his message/call it hit me just once again how unimportant I really was. When I texted him ironically to thank him for best wishes, he started texting to make a lousy excuse how he never remembers anybody’s b-day, not even his best friends and that he always relies on fb (but we were never friends on social networks). I told him that when you really care for someone, you don’t need a reminder and then I blocked him.I told to myself that I am such a fool to let some narc prick completely ruin my birthday even though I was surrounded by the most loving people that I have in my life. He thought I was just “overreacting” again, and he tried to used work channels to continue as if nothing happened, but I completely ignored his messages…so one of the things I keep reminding myself of, is that birthday that I spent crying secretly in the bathroom. Hope that my experience helps… Be strong and it will eventually go away…kisses
“message to myself”
I was thinking about doing this, a list of many of the transgressions and hurts and insults and put downs and disapproval, etc etc et al, to remind me why he is such an ass, why it did not and would not ever work, something to reference when the glasses start to rose colour over and I start saying or thinking, but hey, we had fun together, it wasn’t that bad was it?
I wasn’t sure it was a good idea because I didn’t know if I wanted that crap in writing but I’m definitely seeing the benefit of doing it now.
Thank you for this idea and congrats for referencing it to help you process your pain and move forward.
Doing great on your no contact. Keep up the good work!
Trocadero,
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve also read the book you recommended (how to break your addiction to a person) twice and it led me to some other books that have been helpful so I wanted to thank you for that as well.
This last month has been peaceful and not bad at all. I feel the ET coloring things rosy again though and have had thoughts of “it wasn’t so bad” “I was being unreasonable” “I can just enjoy the fun times and not expect more”.
As described in that book, I literally at times can not recall the bad details. So I should probably write it down as you have so it’s available when needed.
It really does feel at times like such a losing battle, like I’ll never stop wishing I could’ve make it work. And in those times I feel like caving and just unblocking him. But I know from reading what others say here that it DOES fade with time and I just need to wait it out and concentrate on the many other positive things in my life.
One day or one week at a time.
You know I wrote something kind of beautiful below, and it went off track. I tied together the emotional level of a narcissist to the abuse he suffered to understand that he’s not evil. I don’t know if it’s just the full moon, but I don’t like the tone here anymore.
Ok, more human behaviour lessons on this thread.
I had one “I miss you” through the last open channel (work) today after a several months of NC, and the emotional rush all over again my God!!! Can’t wait to cut off this last one soon! Didn’t reply anything but went crying again in the bathroom at work today. Bullshit!! In the very moment that I think I’m doing great, one fake sentence puts the ET on fire. Complete NC is really the only way to go
I have to correct myself, because otherwise it sounds like a backhanded compliment. It was not meant that way. Replace ” You are intelligent enough” through “you are so intelligent that…”
It is one of the most difficult things in life what a person can do: to see the own behaviour and personality without pink glasses and to describe the own personality in a correct way.
I am sorry, that I did not express myself as I wanted. I hope, it is clearer now.
I just read a book written by another narc who tries to find his way. The book is quite interesting, it is full with interviews from victims to psychotherapists to his own feelings. He really tries to show the whole spectrum, but …. he is blind that it is written from only one perspective. He is the victim, the victims are guilty, because they let him do all the evil things, they are guilty, because they do not do, what he wants. Bla, bla, bla… Zero respect for the needs of other people. Even the psychotherapists show a lot of understanding for him and his “illness.” Bla, bla, bla…. Everything is not so bad, there is no manipulation. And so on.
At least you are honest, HG, about manipulation, lack of conscience, treating people like objects….
You are not blind of what you do and what you feel. At least you are intelligent enough to analyse yourself. You have no blind spot.
This is a big compliment for you from my point of view…
You are not blind!
I know and appreciate it.
HG, how would it feel if no one ever had emotional caring for you?
If you were just treated as a means to an end. That you, as a person, didn’t matter. That no one cared about you or how your day went or if you were happy or sad.
That you were just a body, replaceable, usable. No one thought of you as a person. No concern for your wellbeing or feelings.
I would say “hello mother”.
“Hello mother”
Perfect comedy placement.
I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered from your mother, HG. She was the person who was supposed to love and protect you the most and she hurt you.
I’m stealing this one HAHA
So true about my sister. That’s how she interacted with me and everybody else. Although she treated me worse. I was her scapegoat sibling. At that time I just thought that she was a very bossy, insecure, and entitled person.
MommyPino
“ I just thought that she was a very bossy, insecure, and entitled person.”
That sounds like a good description of most of the women narcs I know.
So true windstorm. They are so similar it’s like they all came from a narc factory!
Very well explained, makes it easy to understand.
I was around an 18-month old toddler the other day, and I couldn’t help but compare her actions to a narcissist, since this is the same level of emotions they have.
I watched as she started to wail when her daddy picked her up, and she ran over to me when he let her down, with a big smile on her face. He was a little hurt at her rejection, but didn’t take it personally, which is absolutely right. Everything was about her, her spotlight and demands, and us loving, cooing, and giving her all of our gleeful attention.
Emotionally, narcissists are similar to mentally-challenged adults, only narcissism isn’t obvious.
They don’t start off anymore evil than a toddler that is demanding, uncaring, self-centered, complaining. Of course a toddler can’t physically do things, is constantly wrangled, and can’t speak much yet. But double that emotional stage with the trauma of humiliating abuse, and now they have a chip on their shoulder, they’re bitter, frightened, ripped off and suppressed, and lacking the love and attention they long for.
I don’t consider myself to be anything like a “mentally-challenged” person, emotionally or otherwise, and while I understand you’re entitled to your opinion, it’s misguided.
I’m emotionally-challenged, empathy-challenged, socially-challenged, etc. but none of these things prevent me from functioning mentally (typically at a much higher level than most average people). Many would say my emotional functioning is significantly impaired, but my intellectual and adaptive functioning is highly developed (these two things are what help define the term “mentally-challenged”.)
Saying we are “similar to mentally-challenged adults” is not only highly offensive to me, but it’s also a completely inaccurate statement because it lumps us in with people who are considered to be intellectually impaired in some way.
ASPD26, I’ve mentioned several times on the blog that a female greater presence here would be an interesting addition. We know HGs motives for starting and maintaining this monster of a blog. If you don’t mind my asking, what do you hope to gain by your participation here? I’m truly curious. Please don’t take my comment as sarcastic. I’m here to learn.
I agree. I am interested in a different perspective and what Alpha has to offer.
I’m not hoping to gain anything.
An acquaintance of mine is currently studying in the field of psychiatry and sent me (currently working and pursuing studies in cognitive science) an email with a link to this blog.
I’m interested in scientific study of the mind and its processes. I’m interested in further understanding my own brain and why I ended up this way when I know that there are others who grow up in families like mine and turn out entirely different.
Don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t change a thing about myself if I had the chance, but understanding how the brain (my brain) works would certainly give me better insight and, if I’m being honest, help me to become even more efficient and skilled at what I do than I already am.
I am fascinated by H.G.’s perspective, thoughts and observations and the way he breaks the information down. I’ve studied, read and researched and have yet to come across anything like what is being presented here, mostly because people like us are mostly viewed as being lost causes by “medical professionals” so not many have put in the time and effort to truly understand us.
I am currently in therapy with the only goal being to help me find ways to control the violent impulses and urges I have. I’m not a danger to society, but I have incredibly poor impulse control and realize I could put myself and others in danger (and wind up in jail, which would be a disastrous outcome) if I don’t find ways to manage the urges and impulses.
Alphabet26
“Saying we are “similar to mentally-challenged adults” is not only highly offensive to me, but it’s also a completely inaccurate statement because it lumps us in with people who are considered to be intellectually impaired in some way.”
That can be answered with your own words from The Mockery of Mimicry post.
“you need to realize – we don’t give a fuck (harsh, I know, but it’s reality).”
Having said that, I rather liked what you offered here:
“The harsh reality is – you don’t have to live this way if you don’t want to and you don’t have to allow someone to treat you this way. If you don’t put a stop to it, it’s a cycle that will keep repeating itself over and over and over again. It won’t stop unless you make it stop.”
Inspiring really. I know, I know, …you don’t give a fuck.
NA, the difference in our replies to this reader speak volumes about our personalities. I like you.
If you’re an empath then it’s not in your nature to not give a fuck, so there again, is an inaccurate statement. In fact, many of you give so many fucks that you’re here learning how to cope with your situations from a man who is diagnosed as having NPD.
I could just as easily argue that empaths are “mentally-challenged” because they care so much about what others think and how others feel and are so willing to sacrifice their own sanity and well-being for another person that they’ll allow someone like me to completely ruin their lives.
But, if I did use the term “mentally-challenged” it would be totally inaccurate because it’s not a mental issue, it’s an emotional one. In my case, the issue isn’t mental, the issue is that I lack many of the fundamental qualities that many feel you need in order to be considered human.
I was just stating the obvious with my comments about refusing to allow people like us to treat others like shit. I’m not particularly concerned with inspiring others, but I am concerned with accuracy and things making sense.
Alpha26
The not giving a fuck was with regard to you being offended, so was completely accurate on my end. I found the irony in your previous statement about not giving a fuck humorous in relation to your being offended here. That was all. For the record, I am not your enemy and I do consider you quite human. I look forward to what you have to offer from the female narc perspective if that is indeed what you are.
In regard to my not giving a fuck, I mean that I don’t care how anything I say, do, think or feel affects anyone around me. The only thing I care about is how things impact me.
I need to clarify something, even though I’m pretty sure I already did, but I’m diagnosed as having antisocial personality disorder (APD) which is not the same as NPD, though the two are co-morbid, which makes understanding and figuring us out all the more difficult.
The hip term for someone like me is “sociopath” or “psychopath” but these are really just buzz words to help society put people like us into categories so THEY can feel better about things. Doctors don’t use terms like sociopath or psychopath because the proper term as APD.
We’re all different and we don’t all behave in exactly the same way. These “disorders” manifest differently and in varying degrees of severity. In my case, I have some strong “psychopathic” tendencies and they are ever-present in the way I live my daily life and how I interact with other people.
I think that’s what I enjoy most about this blog – what H.G. is doing is showing the differences between NPD and APD but he’s going about in a way that is different from the way most clinicians approach these disorders.
Alpha- You Misunderstood!
I was saying you’re Emotionally-Challenged – unlike other challenges, yours is not obvious!
I didn’t misunderstand at all because this is what you wrote:
“Emotionally, narcissists are similar to mentally-challenged adults, only narcissism isn’t obvious.”
I get what you’re saying – you’re saying that our “disability” isn’t noticeable. But if you apply the definition of what mentally-challenged actually means, then you can’t be surprised that I’d take offense to that since I don’t view myself as being mentally challenged or mentally deficient.
Emotionally challenged, yes. Emotionally and morally deficient, you betcha! But mentally, believe it or not, I’m sharp as a razor’s edge.
I also beg to differ that my “challenges” aren’t obvious because there are people in my life who are well aware of who and what I am because I didn’t really make much effort to hide it.
I hide and blend in and wear masks and shape-shift when I need to but the rest of the time, I just am.
Emotional intelligence is certainly “a thing”. As in you can indeed know shit that isn’t obvious to others.
Your definition of emotional intelligence and my definition of emotional intelligence are most likely quite different, but I can agree with your statement.
And there is a lot of research that suggests that people like me are quite emotionally intelligent, we just use that emotional intelligence for dark purposes.
I don’t particularly care about the feelings of others, but I recognize those feelings and know how to exploit them and use them to my advantage. Just because I don’t feel them myself doesn’t mean I don’t understand how to use them against someone who does feel them.
I have to “know shit” that isn’t obvious to others in order to be effective.
Hello alphabetsoup,
We have not met before. I have been here since 2016 and I enjoy meeting the more recent readers. You can try to reverse your narc traits by choosing kindness each and every time. Being kind, giving, helping, being calm, soothing, etc. I started doing this (I’m not a narc but just your average run of the mill standard empath lol). I am trying to rewire my brain. Look it up. It works!
“I hide and blend in and wear masks and shape-shift when I need to but the rest of the time, I just am.”
Good for you! It’s really essential to know how to just be.
This is so true. Hard to still believe at times, until I look at some of the very evil things I’ve done.
It brings up an arsenal of hurt, shame, and anger.
I think my brown eyes just turned to black.
It’s all beyond well written.
Thanks, HG.