The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 7
The words that our kind use are the instruments of our dark profession.
Words are advantageous because they are so easy to say. There is little effort involved in uttering a sudden profane insult or a sentence designed to bring about submission. A barked injunction or a passionate phrase are readily conjured up and sent in your direction. Of course, there are times when the more skilled practitioners amongst our brethren use them to create a stunning tapestry of woven wonder for you to look upon in a lengthy letter. A seemingly heartfelt declaration of love that needs to be requited, an apparent mea culpa, no a mea maxima culpa for our wrongdoings arising from our tortured behaviour or the mercy-seeking begging missive seeking absolution and forgiveness.
Whilst there are of course plenty of actions in the dynamic between you and I, it is the words which are everywhere. From those spoken, to the text messages, the e-mails, the social media announcements, the invitations, the letters written in beautiful copper plate handwriting (always a winner), the one word daubed in paint on the side of your house, the insult scratched into your car’s wing and the bloodied threat daubed on a note and wrapped around a brick hurled through your window. Those words are absolutely everywhere. Easy to use, quick to appear and with them such import and impact on those listening and of course, the empathic individual is invariably an excellent listener who drinks in what we have to say or write.
From weasel words to roaring rhetoric, we deploy phrases and sentences to bring about compliance, to secure sympathy, to tug at your emotions and evoke responses. Instinct allows us to mirror and conjure up those tantalising expressions which go straight to your core, coiling about your heart and either dragging it towards us or tearing it to shreds, dependent on where you happen to be on the narcissistic rollercoaster.
I have repeatedly explained that we prefer to conserve our energy. We do not want to have to do more than is necessary because our energy is required for the purposes of establishing the seduction of our primary source and the maintenance of our fuel lines through our growing fuel network. We do not want to be rushing around doing things, it is far more effective to tell you how we supposedly feel about you, write it in one text message to send to five different recipients to cast the net wider and see what can be caught and to rely on the images created by our words. By conserving this energy, we are able to achieve more. We can target more people, seduce with greater effectiveness and devalue with increased impact.
The Lesser Narcissist is not an especially skilled wordsmith albeit the Upper Lesser will have his or her moments. This lack of delicious prose or flowery compliments does not however hinder his use of words as a method of control. He will channel it in into the use of a pet name (which is seemingly special) and use that with regularity. His based vulgarities which are texted when he is roping in a target are often aimed at those who are operating on a similar language and literary level to him.
Take for example the 419 frauds (also known as advance fee frauds). You will know about those e-mails (usually hailing from Nigeria where the e-mails are contrary to s419 of their criminal code, hence the name) where Crown Prince Umbongo explains how as a trusted advisor or improbable relative you can help him move $ 49 million dollars from an account and he will cut you in for twenty per cent. These e-mails are usually written in pidgin English or a poor version of it which marks the writer out as someone who has English as a second language. That is actually not the case. The writer is invariably someone with an excellent command of English BUT the e-mail is written in a manner which is poor English. This is deliberate. It is done because it is specifically seeking out people who are dim-witted enough to respond and provide cash to the fraudsters.
People often wonder how people fall for these scams, but they do and that is why the fraudsters keep going. Just in the way that we as love frauds specifically target people and use words to do so, the financial frauds (which will include members of our brethren too) ensure the content of these e-mails is such that the most gullible respond in order to maximise the prospects for success. The ploy is deliberate to remove the false positives and leave only those who are the most susceptible.
In the same way, the less proficient use of words by the Lesser means that he will attract those who are more likely to fall for his particular manipulations. It is of little use for the Lesser to attract someone who seems like a useful prospect only for them to prove to be a false positive and break off the seduction. Just like the financial scammers, the Lesser needs to weed out those who are most susceptible to his less articulate overtures and more rudimentary manipulative styles.
The Lesser has fewer problems when it comes to the controlling aspect of his use of words during devaluing. He can hurl the insults with ease, relying on profanities, vulgarity and harsh words to wound and upset his ensnared victim. He can unleash a volley of nastiness from his twisted mouth. His roar of disapproval, the reliance on bellowing and shouting over the actual complexity of this sentences, is entirely effective at cowing, controlling and brow-beating the victims which he will stand the greatest chance of effectiveness delivery of the Prime Aims with.
As for the Mid-Range Narcissist, he has some charm and with the increased cognitive function comes a pleasant and desirable seduction where sweet, caring messages are used. He will spend much of his seduction stealing the phrases and verses of famous authors and poets. He knows where to find these texts and will either plagiarise them wholesale or add his own twist to the existing works. The Mid-Range will control through a sugary sweet seduction and can engage in extensive text campaigns as part of his luring of the victim.
He is also perfectly capable of hurling the insults if really required but the Mid-Ranger’s use of words to control his victims is evidenced most in two ways. Back-handed compliments ( see Seven Back-Handed Provocations ) and Pity Plays. The Mid-Ranger is an expert at the passive aggressive barbed comment and can issue those which have you at first smiling and then reacting as you realise the import of what has just been said to you. The Mid-Ranger’s true proficiency lies in his ability to control you through the use of Pity Plays which he will roll out through his long involved explanations of hardship, misery, difficulty and adversity. Whether he wants money from you, to con you into thinking he will engage in some kind of treatment for his confusing behaviours, to stop you leaving him and removing his main source of fuel or to take him back after you have escaped or he has dis-engaged, the Mid-Ranger knows all the choice speeches to tug at your heart strings. He will present persuasive phrases to convey how truly sorry he is and that his life really is worth nothing without you. Verbose apologies and explanations will clog up your inboxes as he goes overboard about how devastated he is to have treated someone so wonderful as you this way, how he realises that he has done so many wrong things and needs to make amends and of course it is always someone else’s fault/something else’s fault why he did as he did. Notice that these controlling words of the Mid-Ranger sound good and appear to show contrition and remorse but they do not. There is recognition but no ownership.
“I know I upset you when I go missing BUT I just need some time to myself because I am under pressure.”
“I can see why you might get angry when I talk to other women BUT I cannot help it if people like me, can I?”
The Mid-Ranger will use words extensively to seduce but it is in the application of words during devaluation where the Mid-Ranger exhibits particular expertise. Do not think that the mode du jour of the Mid-Ranger, the Silent Treatment, is some kind of aberration for such a prolix individual – he is of course courting somebody else with his sweet sentences whilst you are given a dose of cold fury.
As for the Greater, well, our mouths and tongues are the ultimate weapons. From composing eloquent and seductive proclamations of our love through to the motivating and endearing speeches as to why you and I belong together, the Greater is at the top of the pyramid when it comes to using words to control. Possessing an uncanny knack of knowing exactly the right thing to say and the right time, the Greater can use verbose announcements to awe a target into submission or deploy a short sentence to devastating effect.
Just like his Lesser and Mid-Range counterparts, the Greater can unleash the heated fury of a tirade should he deem it necessary. He does however always prefer to rely on his charm and the associated words with such charm for the purposes of manipulation and control. Whether it is seducing you, seducing someone else to triangulate with you, to manipulate you into feeling that you are the problem, deflecting your suspicions or stopping you leaving through a scintillating Preventative Hoover, the Greater will turn to charm first. Those delicious words, so brilliantly delivered, the evocative sentences and tempting turns of phrase are all deployed in order to ensure that you submit and obey. If charm is in limited supply and is refusing to stretch, then the Greater will use his words to threaten and intimidate. Nobody else is able to convey his imaginative plans for how you will suffer if you do not do what he wants. A few sentences describing what fate awaits you and with no raised voice or bellowed indignation has a most unsettling effect on the victim. The Greater will not opt for Pity Plays, they are beneath him. His words are a source of pride to him and through charm and intimidation he exerts control.
Everything we say is designed to control you. Our words are there to make you fall in love with us, like us, be drawn to us and to be loyal to us. Our sentences seduce. Our words wound. What we say to you must make you do what we want, provide us with fuel, give us your resources, carry out our instructions, obey our commands. Our words, be they spoken or written are not there for your benefit, they are to serve us and ensure that you are brought and remain under our control.
You are excellent listeners but when you are first ensnared by us, you do not hear what we are actually saying to you.
Now you will.
21 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 7”
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He says
I feel lonely? (is this true?)
I don’t trust you but you are the closest person to me, what does this mean? (I don’t trust you but you are my primary fuel provider)
He says he is deeply unhappy with his life and if he was married and had kids maybe that would give him something to focus on. Does he actually believe this or is this another manipulation tool? it sounds convincing.
1. It is a Pity Play and that apparent loneliness is a product of a reduced fuel level increasing the sensation of emptiness.
2. This is a provocative statement designed to garner fuel and cause you to work harder to demonstrate you can be trusted and thus bind you closer to the narcissist.
3. This is a Pity Play and is a further form of manipulation.
HG, what does it mean when a narc calls you emotionally abusive and a bully?
(would this be if you are with holding fuel)
From his perspective he believes that you are those things, that he is the victim and it is a form of projection designed to draw fuel and assert control.
Liars. Deceitful.
When I realised I could not believe a word that came out of that mouth. THAT was the time the key turned in the lock and I knew I was free.
Have you seen the new advert – the mobile phone One???
with the SNAKE talking to EVE – while she is on the mobile – and Eve is LIKING all ADAMS selfies? LOVE that advert. The snake is the NARC. Eve is the Empath and she is doing a pretty good job of ignoring the Narc Snake as he says “Go on Eve………ssssssssss Eatttttt itttttt” Rosy red apple in view. “NO,” says Eve…..”I wont” while continuing to LIKE Adams Selfies.
Brilliant. Just thought Id share that. 🙂 lol
Stay NC.
HG,
Congratulations, over 12 million hits!!!
Thank you.
“Power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. Power is not a means; it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution, one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship. The object of power is power.”
George Orwell, 1984
HG, do you think an embittered adult can become a narcissist, after absorbing repeated narcissistic burns, reading your work, and developing a determination to avoid ensnarement?
No.
Please help! I’ve been reading a lot of your topics on narcissism and he show a lot of traits. First, when I met him 6 months ago, we began talking daily, well mostly texting because he explained that he “hates” talking on the phone. He begged me to come over for a long while before I actually agreed to see him and he was so nice and seemed to be everything I wanted in a guy. Except the fact that he claimed to be a commitment phobe. He single with no kids, a great career, and a very nice apt (he says he hasn’t bought a house yet because he’s a afraid of committing to a mortgage as well. Anyway, we would visit the same lounge where he would greet me with kisses in front of everyone and be super nice to my friends but I noticed he would never offer to buy me a drink unless I brought it up.
I began going to spend the night with him once it twice a week and I would cook dinner which he loved. Once again, he never offered to pay for the groceries unless I brought it up. I thought it had something to do with the fact that he grew up spoiled by his parents so he felt entitled to be taken care of. As time progressed, I noticed that he stopped texting me “Good morning” or even texting me first at all. I could go two or threes days without texting him and I wouldn’t hear from him first. However, he would tell me that he talks to me more than anybody in his life so that should count for something. As I stated in my question he is a gorgeous man and he’s a total gym rat. He would literally turn down a date if it interfered with his “gym schedule.” Yet, I notice that he was totally shy I the bedroom, never leaving the lights on during sex or never having sex during daylight hours. He has a long scar on his abdomen from having his appendix taken out as a kid so I thought that maybe he was ashamed of that. I also realized that he constantly wore a covering on his head, such as a hat or a hood and he word beanies even in the house (he claims its because he shaves his headband gets cold easily). I always remind him how handsome he is and how I’m extremely attracted to him which he loves hearing.
Thing is, he’s never wrong about anything and he doesn’t like to be called out on anything he does wrong. He never apologizes for anything and he would rather not talk at all instead of having soemone point out a flaw in his character. I’ve told him that I love him several times but he’s never said it back. Yet, he would tell me that if he’s ever ready to settle down, he would like to try with me. Then he’ll begin to push me away when I dig any deeper about how he feels about me. He tells me I can go on a date other people, then as soon as he thinks I am, he will say something to make me feel like I’m wrong for not waiting for him.
Fast forward to just this week, I sent him an angry text after getting tired of the constant back and forth and I told he to look up the definition of “somatic narcissist” because he fits the description. He’s blocked my number which he always does because he knows that when I begin to worry after not hearing from him I always text him from an app with a different number anyway, which he always responds to. Until now, he’s no longer responding to my text. I surprised him and had dinner sent to his job as a peace offering and when I texted him to see if he enjoyed his dinner and apologize for upsetting him, all he said was “thanks, but please stop contacting me. I’m seeing someone now and I don’t want anything from you.”
Needless to say, I was shocked and devastated. After all this time with him telling me “he doesn’t do relationships” he’s now telling me he’s in one. I feel terrible and all I want to do is get over him quickly. I love him so much but I know he’s not good for me. I do have a strange feeling that I still haven’t heard the last of him.
Thanks for letting me rants guys, any insight would be much appreciated
This article again is so accurate.
My mom, a lesser victim, she uses her words to punish and she is totally classless (objectively speaking but I still love her) with her use of cuss words and the way she puts words together to paint the most horrible pictures in someone’s mind. One of her favorite weapons is cancer. She tells somebody that she is punishing that he will have cancer with such conviction as if she has that magical power to create cancer in someone’s body. I learned about Supernova, I have done so many supernovas on her and she would tell me that with the way that I disrespect her God will make me infertile because I don’t deserve to have kids with how disrespectful I am as a daughter. Even though I dismissed it with my working logic and healthy faith in God, when my husband and I were having a hard time conceiving our first child, I started getting scared that my mother’s curse came true. Thankfully it didn’t, we know have two adorable kids conceived naturally. Her favorite name to call me or my young female cousins when she gets mad at them is that we are whores or prostitutes. I was 4 yrs old when I played with her makeup and she angrilly told me that I probably wanted to be a prostitute that’s why I was learning to put make up on. I didn’t even know what exactly is a prostitute at that time.
The things that you said about mid-range are also very accurate with the ones that I know or knew.
Everyday away, I’m grateful to be without some ass trying to control me, and when he couldn’t, the horse’s ass found someone else he stated that was more important to him. He used her too. And all the one’s before me. It’s my knowing that while a narcissist is choosing his or her next victim that before even the golden period they have only negative thing’s to say about that person. That way people already think you’re a bad person. They have many already in line before they chose us. Then they strike like a snake, golden period of nothing but bullshit. I tell myself that if it’s true that they mirror the love we have inside of us already, that we really loved ourselves. I agree only to say that we mirror they’re low self esteem and self worth as well.
Tammy
Yes, they smear you while they are targeting your replacement. And people that knew you very well will choose to believe the narcissist.
So true..my MRN,it was all about words not matching actions..since our almost one year thing was 99% online, he got to exhibit his word skills non stop. And words are such a powerful thing! You can make the fantasies that you want around them forgetting that they are soo easy to say and that they can really mean nothing. Especially when you’re already aware that there are no actions behind them. That was one last thing I couldn’t really grasp until consulting with HG. Why would he bother to write every day when he wasn’t getting nor the sex or me being ready to come to see him more often. And then HG explained… I was probably a perfect DLS and he had no reason to invest more energy in me than that. Me being an empath can’t imagine sending someone loving messages each day just for fun. Without really meaning it. If I don’t mean it,I won’t say. And certainly not every day. As simple as that. So that was, and still is in some moments the hardest thing to accept. All those words I was daydreaming about for almost a year mean shit.
Love the last sentences: You’re excellent listeners, but in the beginning, you don’t hear what we’re actually saying. So true, we notice it but we overlook it. And yes, those things will be big red flags now.
For someone who obviously enjoys words and writing, it irritates me see you repeatedly use the grammatically incorrect phrase ‘between you and I.” You and I are compound objects of the preposition between, so the correct phrase is ‘between you and me,” not ‘between you and I.’ I hope that is helpful.
The first love says it all. I remember that, when I was a small child, I asked my mother: “Do you love me?” And she said with a tender voice: “Of course I do. You are the one who finds the needle in the haystack for me. ”
I remember that I was a little bit disappointed, even as a small child. But I did not know why.
But these two sentences above say it all: I love you, because you do something for me.
She still uses this “I love you” thing. And last week I could not resist to say to her: “Nice for you.”
It is over and she does not understand.
At the moment she is the only narc who is close to me. And it will be the last one.
She is not guilty, that I chose that male narc for a part of my life. That was my stupid decision. She only prepared the way not to see what he was. I was used to that kind of seductive manipulation.
I know now people, who say that they avoided him after a first contact, because they saw something is wrong. They have had a bad feeling in contact with him.
I could not, because I was blind at this point..
My blind spot, it is not a blind spot anymore.
My conclusion is that everyone who cannot leave a narc, should dive deep, deep down in his childhood. If that childhood problem is solved, it will lead you to a life, in which narcs are not attractive anymore.
You are made of words. False words.
Thanks, thanks for all
I still after all this time can not wrap my head around that it was all lies. I know for a fact that things I was told about his kids and job were true.
Really having a hard time…….