Bitter
Envy and jealousy form two of the limited range of emotions that we are permitted. Of course, our reduced range of emotional responses is entirely by design so that we are furnished only with those emotions which drive us forward in our pursuit of fuel and thus we are freed from the hindering effects of many emotions which you experience such as compassion, sadness and joy. Envy and jealousy certainly provide us with the impetus and motivation to gather our precious fuel but they are emotions that you exhibit as well. Admittedly, there are those amongst your number that are so selfless and giving that an envious thought or look of jealousy never clouds your saintly features, but for many of your kind there is a bitterness that arises from this jealousy although we know you would never admit it and would prefer to blame it on us. Take for example the following exchange I had with one of my ex-girlfriends. I have not named the individual,not because I have some semblance of decency by granting her anonymity. Not at all. No, this is borne out of highlighting that this conversation could have taken place with any number of my ex-girlfriends. It is a conversation that could have taken place with many of you. She was in a period of devaluation and was providing me with plenty of negative fuel so as I worked behind the scenes to line-up my new prospect there was no urgency to bring about a discard. We had arranged to meet at a wine bar. I was fifteen minutes late.
“Oh here at last,” she remarked as I walked in to the wine bar. I pretended not to notice her at first,my eye caught by a tall and attractive lady who was stood near to me at the bar. I smiled at the tall lady and she returned it.
“I said,” declared the ex in a louder voice, “you are here at last.”
I turned to where she was sat as if noticing her for the first time.
“Ah hello, yes what a day, major deal going on and I had to take a conference call with New York,Pretoria and Frankfurt. It’s all happening I can tell you.”
“You could have rung to say you were running late, I have been sat here wondering where you were.”
“Am I late? We said 7-15.”
“No, seven o’clock.”
“I think you will find it was 7-15. I remember distinctly because I told my secretary to schedule the conference call for 4pm to last for no longer than 3 hours to give me sufficient time to get here. Big deal you see, so it needed that time allocated to it.”
“Well, I was busy too you know,” she remarked.
“Not on the scale I have been my dear,” I replied with a smile as I continued to scan the wine bar to see if there was anybody I knew and any further opportunities to gather fuel.
“Oh of course, your work is always more important than mine isn’t it?”
“No need to be like that, I am just stating a fact.”
She began to say something but I cut her off by pointing at her wine glass which was nearly empty and asking,
“Which wine is that?”
“Er, the chardonnay,” she replied.
“The Chablis here is far better, I will get that,” I remark and smile as I see her twist her face at my comment. I indicated to a waitress to come over to the table and I ordered two glasses of the Chablis.
“A far better choice,” I declare pleasantly,
“Oh it would be wouldn’t it since you chose it?” she added sourly.
I pretend I didn’t hear and thrust my hand out and revealed a watch from underneath the double cuff of my shirt.
“What do you think of this then? Impressive no?”
“Why have you bought that? I got you a watch only last month,” she announced in irritation.
“I know but, well, this is of a superior quality and the strap on the one you got me did not fit my wrist properly, not like this one,” I explained and I then continued to espouse the virtues of the chronological item as her face darkened. I of course revelled in this but I maintained the pretence that I did not notice.
“Anyway, enough of that,” she snapped.
“Something the matter? Not jealous are you? Jealous? Of a watch?”
“No I’m not jealous,” she answered far too quickly.
“Yes you are.”
“No I am not, anyway, where are we going this weekend? I thought we might go to Rockcliffe for a couple of nights, the restaurant in the orangerie is apparently really good,” she continued.
“I am not going there.”
“Why not?”
“Because I have been invited to Guisborough instead.”
“Who by?”
“What’s it got to do with you?”
“Er just a bit, I am your girlfriend or had you forgotten about that?”
“I would rather not say, you will only get jealous,” I grinned.
She looked indignant.
“Let’s just say Guisborough is better than Rockcliffe so that is where I will be going,” I added.
“Oh I see, you always have to go one better than what I suggest,” she snarled.
“Hey,I cannot help it if people who have excellent choice invite me to such a place can I?”
“You do it all the time. I get a new car, so you do the same only yours is more expensive. I gained a promotion and rather than congratulate me you tell me all about the targets you apparently smashed. I cook you a fantastic dinner but you tell me it is not as good as the one you did the previous week. I show you a picture and you tell me you have one that is similar only yours is better. Good God, I even told you about a moisturiser I was using, just chit chat and you have to explain how the one you use is superior to it. What is wrong with you? You always have to bring it back to you and go one better?”
“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?” I replied feigning a look of displeasure despite the fact I was revelling in all this fuel that was being provided.
“You are consumed by your petty jealousy. I share what I achieve, I tell you first, I let you into everything I do so you can feel reassured that you are with someone who is successful and all you can ever do is be jealous and envious. How about being pleased for me for once rather than thinking about yourself?”
“I cannot believe what I am hearing. You boast all the time, you do it with everything. You tell me repeatedly about how you are ‘kicking ass and taking names’ at work, how the higher-ups adore you, how you are looking at buying an even larger house and how you have always been the highest achiever in your family. I told you about my degree result, yours had to be a class higher, if that is even true of course as sometimes I wonder. Your university was better than mine, your post code is a more desirable area,you have more friends than me, you have visited more countries than me. Every time I try and tell you something you have to trump it and go one better,” she continued as the anger tainted her words.
I slowly stand and her eyes widen as she seems surprised by my movement.
“I’m not sitting here listening to your jealousy, I am parked on a double yellow line and I am not getting a ticket just because you are envious of me,” I hiss. I turn as I hear her shout after me.
“There you go again, it couldn’t be a single yellow line could it? Oh no.”
I smiled and walked away content in the knowledge that these continued bouts of envy provided me with such delicious fuel. So predictable. Single yellow? I liked that.
57 thoughts on “Bitter”
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Teeheehee, K! Cheers!
HG, I thought you were dead. You never fail to disappoint! (Lines I have been saving in case MRN reappears.)
SMH
Ha ha ha…there is a cheerleading uniform with your name on it and a set of pom poms in the official colors of the narcissistic dynamic, black and white, if you are interested.
K
Narc colors are black and white! You crack me up, K!
WS
If you are going to cheer for the narcissist, you might as well embrace split thinking.
K
Very true about the split thinking. I’m not the leader type, but I’ll be cheering up in the stands.
WS
Are you sure you want to be in the stands? You would make a fine cheerleader.
Noooo, K.
I’m a stay in the background type of person. But I can yell really loud!
K – red and green would also work. Red for rage and green for envy!
SMH
Green with envy and raging red would look delightful, although, they do remind me of christmas.
There is that, K, but then every day is Christmas with a narc! Always a new surprise/puzzle/layer to reveal! Plus, narc gifts keep on giving: some you love and some you hate but they are yours forever 🙂
K
I laughed when I read the colours of the “uniforms” black and white (and red) my uniform in high school was black and white, originally it was black, white and red until they built our sister school and they took the red. They are red and orange.
Twilight
Ha ha ha…perfect, pull out your uniform and join the team!
K
Ha ha the first letter on it was an H. If I only knew I was preparing to “cheer” a man named HG now, back then.
Twilight
Who’d of thunk it? Your uniform was remarkably prescient.
K
Yes, who would have known.
LOL Christmas colors probably wouldn’t cheer up a narc. They dislike Christmas.
mommypino
Ha ha ha…it depends, seduction (painted white) devaluation (painted black). He might like christmas one minute but hate it in the next, who knows!?!
Great point K! I love red and green. I’m so excited! Text me when it’s time for rehearsals!
Thank you mommypino!
The sign up sheet will be up for the week and then all HGT cheerleaders will be notified of the rehearsal schedule by group text after the Thanksgiving Holiday.
She wasn’t envious in the slightest. It’s interesting how often you completely miss what people are actually feeling while believing you understand them.
Interesting. I read this and I wouldn’t describe the ex-girlfriend’s response as generated by the emotion ‘Envy’. I feel the ex-girlfriend’s response is generated by the emotion ‘Anger’. A hurt, barely contained reaction to deliberately covert acts of antagonism…
I agree redsonya, she wasn’t jealous or envious. She probably would have been happy for him achieving great things but her feelings of being unappreciated, and also annoyance or irritation for him trying to go one better at stuff that doesn’t really matter to her. It angers her that she’s in love with this person who seems to compete with her and seems adamant at proving that he’s better than her all the time instead of cherishing her and what she is willing to offer to him. It’s probably not easy to grasp that if you cannot feel unconditional love.
“Envy and jealousy form two of the limited range of emotions that we are permitted.” So you say. However reading some of your articles, one must accord prevalent emotions you feel other than these two. Also strange that you cite you are “permitted” these emotions. By whom?
You take great pleasure and in many things from what I gather. Accordingly you come across quite sad when your mother is mentioned in your childhood. You take great joy in your ‘cunning’ research on someone to get inside their head and boundaries. Accordingly you enjoy happiness when you ‘strike’ a hit with someone whether pleasant to the other or not. You call pretty much everything “fuel”, yet many people experience the same emotions, and call “fuel” by different names.
You piss someone off and call it fuel. You seduce someone and call it fuel. Semantics all around. You derive pleasure in being a dick, accordingly you feel you are superior to everyone but your lack of superiority is ubiquitous in these articles. It is kind of cute really, in a sad way. Kind of like when someone comes over dressed to an event, not because they enjoy dressing up, but because they want to make a certain impression. What is most incontrovertible is the effort made to impress others rather than any inner substance to go with it.
Rage, paranoia, frustration, hurt, fear, agony are emotions you experience, accordingly the underlay of these emotions are more sublime
Superpoweremotion
Envy and jealousy are permitted within the parameters the narcissist’s context, to wit, he is hardwired for these emotions.
HG doesn’t feel sadness or joy; he feels power. To understand what the narcissist feels and how fuel works, please, read these two articles:
https://narcsite.com/2018/07/14/what-do-we-feel-6/ https://narcsite.com/2017/11/24/the-prime-aims-3/
HG doesn’t feel superior to everyone; he IS superior to everyone. His sense of superiority is hardwired into him, as well.
Are you referring to the Creature as the underlay of these emotions?
Are you an official spokesperson for HGT, or self-appointed? When I read his writing I get the sadness when he speaks of his childhood. If you dont well…
I get the joy he feels when he ‘conquers’. If you dont well…
Because he ‘thinks’ he is superior’ certainly does not mean he is. Even if he has a cheerleader to say so. Are you his cheerleader?
I made no mention of a ‘Creature’ I feel sad you speak for him. Strange and disturbing. I do not need to read yet more articles about how ‘fuel works’ it is a wayyyyyyyyy overused word to blanket far more than one crap word. I dont need to ‘understand what the N feels’. I have my very own intuition and guidance system which informs me of many more things than the frilly entitled repetitive writings of HGT
Superpoweremotion
As you will see here on this blog, there are many kinds of comments, some that are very appreciative of HG Tudor and the help he has provided to victims of narcissists, and then there are those that criticise him for being a narcissist and try to shoot him down and “prove” that he is not “superior”.
The great thing about this blog is that these comments are all allowed here. It makes for a vibrant, engaging and thought-provoking “discussion”.
I think you’ll find that HG has quite a few “cheerleaders”, of which K is only one. There are many more. Many of us are very unlikely cheerleaders for a narcissist, seeing that many of our lives have been detrimentally affected by narcissists. However, here we are, providing information about our experiences, helping each other to understand, and supporting each other when real help and support is not that easy to find. And yes, we also help and support as HG in the process.
I would just like to say that your biting criticism of HG and K (who is one of many of his “cheerleaders”) is also adding to the discussion, which is both allowed and interesting. It is also exhibiting your views, which are decidedly narcissistic, by the way. Your comments show defensiveness, black and white thinking, unwillingness to understand the dynamics of this blog, and a need to “win”. Also, your sarcastic judgements of HG and derogatory descriptions of anyone who disagrees with you are decidedly confrontational.
I hope you understand that my comment is not necessarily intended to criticise you. It’s meant as an observation of your comments and it’s also meant as a description of what this blog means for many people. K has provided assistance, compassion, understanding and humour to many of us. If that makes her a cheerleader, than so be it. I for one am happy to cheer on the cheerleaders 🙂
Exceptionally constructive comment, precisely one of the reason I operate this place in the way that I do.
Thank you WiserNow!
Being a cheerleader sounds like fun! So, I made this cheer up.
Two, four, six, eight, Narcsite is really great!
Yo Empaths
SAY WHAT!
Yo Empaths
SAY WHAT!
Come on Empaths
Get tough and fight!
Painted black or
Panted white
Empaths will win tonight!
Yo Empaths
Shake your bootay!
Yo Emapths
Go no contact!
Get out and stay out! (clap, clap, clap)
Get out and stay out! (clap, clap, clap)
Two, four, six, eight, HGT is really great!
You’re very welcome K! It’s a pleasure.
Ha ha, I love your cheerleading song. That’s brilliant! You are a woman of many skills. In fact, I would go so far as to say unending skills!!
One, two, three, four
Lock the gate and shut the door!
Five, six, seven, eight,
I agree, Narcsite is great!!
YAYYYYYYY!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Sign me up please. I’ll join you on the squad and we can cheer together! 🙂
Thank you WiserNow
Ha ha ha…excellent, you can write cheers for the squad! Consider yourself signed up…forever. The narcissistic cheerleading relationship only ends when you die. I am looking forward to cheering with you!
Thank you HG. Narcsite has been extremely helpful to me and I appreciate your writing and help very much.
My own experiences at the moment are difficult because I can’t remain fully no contact for various reasons. Without this blog and all of the learning that comes from the articles and the different kinds of comments, it would be a lot harder – probably impossible – to untangle the relentless chaos and stay out of the emotional sea.
So Thank You again HG! Please keep doing what you’re doing. It’s much appreciated.
Superpoweremotion
A lot of us appreciate the help that we get from K. Personally for me, since I am here to learn and to make sense of my experiences, it is really helpful when K answers our questions by posting HG’s old answers that we were not aware of. I think that it’s a gift. I wish I have an amazing memory like that.
WiserNow, Thank you for being so eloquent.
K, That is a great cheer! Sign me up for the cheering squad please! 💕
Thank you mommypino!
Awesome, you are number one on the sign up sheet. If anyone else is interested in being on the HGT cheerleading squad, the sign up sheet is located by the circulation desk in the HGU library.
🙂 🙂 🙂 🎉🎉🎉
You’re welcome mommypino, and thank you very much for your comment 🙂
Haha K, you deserve to be the leader of the HGT cheerleading squad !
2SF!
Ha ha ha…thanks for the laugh. Feel free to sign up and join the cheer squad. The more the merrier.
K you’re too funny! 😊
K
I loved that cheer!
Imagining you doing it made me laugh, because I always now picture you in a sexy-secretary-librarian outfit: pencil skirt, fitted blouse, peep-toe kitten heels, and cat’s eye glasses for the perfect smart-girl vintage vibe. I love this bombshell look for myself.
We who know you here all love you. Smart, gorgeous empaths recognise and value each other.
Thank you Caroline R!
My first comment went poof! So this may be a repeat. I thought the cheer was fun, too.
The librarian outfit does sound sexy and I do like cat’s eye glasses.
Narcsite attracts all personality types and empaths and normals recognize and appreciate each other and that is one of the best things about this site. It is very difficult to find that recognition and value IRL and I love the readers and the connections that I have made here and I think that is part of what makes narcsite unique.
Hello Superpoweremotion
Your antipathy is noted.
HG Tudor
AUGUST 28, 2018 AT 20:30
We do not experience sadness. One can experience the loss of an appliance, but it is more likely to manifest as a feeling of irritation or even ignited fury should it wound.
HG Tudor
JUNE 22, 2017 AT 13:54
I understand your sentiments but you have to remember you are regarding all of that from YOUR perspective, you think it is a terrible thing not to be able to feel joy or know what intimacy is. So let me address your observations.
1. I do not feel joy. I feel power. It does not trouble me at all that I cannot feel joy. However, you feel troubled if you do not feel happy or joy. Who then has the better deal?
2. Correct I do not feel the joy of loving. Again, that does not concern me in the slightest.
3. Correct I do not feel the joy of being loved, but I do feel the fuel from being loved. That is what works for me.
To read this comment in its entirety, go here.
https://narcsite.com/2017/06/21/to-have-not-to-hold-3/#comments
Narc club rule number twelve.
12. We are superior.
https://narcsite.com/2016/01/18/narc-club/
I was curious about the underlay of the emotions and that is why I asked you about it, never mind.
The part where you described to her why the watch that she gave you is inferior to the one that she gave you reminded me of a story that my dad told me about his wife. He said that she never liked all of the gifts he gave her throughout their marriage. He said that he tried really hard and observed her tastes and likes before he bought anything for her but she always criticized his gifts and would tell him that if he really loved her he would know what she would like. She had the gifts like jewelry and clothes altered because he never got it right. Some of his gifts were given away by her because they weren’t good enough. She even insulted him sometimes that he wasn’t knowledgeable about the things that she was into. He said that it has always made him so sad. He actually made me promise to him that when I get married to always appreciate my husband’s efforts even if he doesn’t get it right.
MommyPino
My mother was like that as well. She never liked what anyone ever got her as a gift. My father used to despair over it to me, too. No matter what we got her, she never liked it.
I think my all time favorite was a Christmas gift I got her. She’d been complaining about how worn out and old her dress clothes were and how embarrassed she was to wear them to church. So for Christmas I bought her a new pretty dress in the style that she wore. When she opened it, she said, “What is this?” When I explained it was something new for church, she said,
“Oh, I could never wear something so fancy as this to church! I know! You can bury me in it when I die. That’s the only way I could wear a dress like this!” Then she told everyone that I had bought her her funeral clothes to be buried in as my Christmas gift to her.
WS, was she buried in it? You just can’t win with a narcissist. That’s why we just give up!
That is so sad windstorm. You just wanted to make her happy. The sad disconnect with us and the narcs in our lives is we want them to be happy but it is notnpossible because they can’t feel happiness. They want to feel power instead so they criticize the gifts to feel powerful and in control over our feelings.
I also think it has to be really hard for husbands dealing with narc wives because men has the societal pressure to be strong so they usually just bottle up and hide the fact that they are being abused. It’s wonderful that your dad confided on you.
MommyPino
Don’t feel too sorry for my father. He was a narc, too. So at least he was never hurt by my mother’s not liking anything he gave her. It was more of a puzzle to him. I think he shared his experiences with me as a warning, since he knew she would never like anything I would get her either. I remember him explaining to me that some people got more pleasure from disliking gifts than from enjoying them. He said it made Mama feel good to despise what we got for her and did for her. This made no sense to me as a child, but over the years I saw that it was true.
Her funeral clothes Windstorm! That’s sad but very witty from you in an impossible situation.
When I lived at home, my mum would like me to style her hair and make a general pampering fuss of her. I’d get out all the styling paraphernalia and lay it out in her glamorous bathroom and notice her smug expression in the mirror as she was getting my undivided attention for an hour.
She always loved me doing it, was always pleased with the result, was shown it from every angle, but at the commencement of the salon experience she’d say “Don’t make me look bad”.
Every time.
It didn’t make any sense to me then and I found it so irritating and insulting, but reading your comments has shed some light on it.
Caroline R
I was just reading one of your comments on the Daughters of N-Mothers club. I’m definitely a member, too! 😊
Your story reminded me of my mother coloring her hair. She always wanted me to color the roots on the back of her head when she colored her hair, because she couldn’t see them. Every time she would say over and over, “Did you get them all? Make sure you got them all! Are you sure you didn’t miss any?” I always found this annoying. I could tell she was sincerely worried (not just jerking me around) and I assumed this was because she believed I was incompetent.
Now looking back, I wonder if her worry stemmed from her knowing that if the situation were reversed, SHE wouldn’t care how good a job she did on my hair and probably would leave grey roots. She could never trust me because she knew she would not be trustworthy herself because she didn’t care about my hair and she figured that’s how everyone was.
As the years pass since her death, I have more and more insights into what I once considered deliberate abuse and insults that I now see as symptoms of her own paranoia and inability to trust and bond with others. Very sad really.
MommyPino
Your appreciation is noted!
Like MommyPino I found it hilarious, but there was a time when it was far from funny and highly frustrating. I don’t know how I put up with this for so long. Thank God I went No Contact.
Yes it wasn’t funny for me either when I was on the receiving end of this behavior. No contact is the best way to go. I just went No Contact with my stepdaughter last Sept. She needs to find someone else to compete with now.
While she was waiting for you 3 other men called her and two at the wine bar winked at her ….she probably gave one or more her number also .
But …you projected on to her your envy and jealousy. She wasn’t feeling any of those ….you were trying to make her feel your feelings by “pretending not to notice her “.
This is hillarious! Reminds me so much of what annoyed me so much about my narc sister and stepdaughter. But now I’m just laughing at it. Never again!
I love you because you know what grapes are used to make Chablis.