The Dirty Divorce


Divorce. There is a high chance of this happening when you have been ensnared by one of our kind. You might think that a narcissist would want to hold on to a source of supply and would never instigate divorce proceedings against their intimate partner who is a primary source. This is not a concern to our kind at all, for the following reasons: –

  1. It is your fault. It is always your fault;
  2. If we want a divorce, we are entitled to divorce in accordance with our sense of entitlement;
  3. We have a new primary source who we may well want to bind to us through marriage, therefore you need to be divorced. (There will be some of our kind who won’t let a divorce stand in their way and will commit bigamy but that is a matter for a different topic.)
  4. If you are financially superior to the narcissist, it is a means of obtaining our share, because we are, of course, entitled;
  5. If you are financially inferior to the narcissist, it is a method of denying you getting your share. You deserve nothing because you have failed us.
  6. There is no concern on our part that we might well be regarded as a failure for having to engage in divorce proceedings. This is because it is your fault and we are never accountable.
  7. We like to get in first;
  8. Divorce proceedings provide us with a vast range of fuel opportunities, from provoking you, gaining sympathy from our supporters, admiration from others as to how we are handling it and so forth.

If you instigate divorce proceedings, then our attitude to proceedings is governed by: –

  1. A massive sense of injustice. We gave you so much during the golden period and this is how you treat us?
  2. It is never our fault. You are a greedy, nasty, horrible person who just cannot be satisfied;
  3. Your action amounts to a considerable criticism of us. This ignites our fury and this fury will drive our attitude and behaviour towards you during the divorce;
  4. We will look to cross-petition for divorce by demonstrating that it is your fault and not ours;
  5. We will defend your divorce petition, because we have done nothing wrong;
  6. Your awful behaviour towards us provides us with material to smear you, “how could he/she do this to me after all the things I have done for her/him?”
  7. It provides us with material to maintain our façade by showing how “noble” we are (to the outside world) under such provocation from you.

Divorce proceedings are another stage for us to appear on, to draw fuel, to exert control and to manipulate. There is so much material for us to use against you and to our advantage. It is a battlefield which we relish appearing on. This process will be covered in greater detail in the work Divorce and the Narcissist along with steps that you can take to handle the process.

Given these attitudes to whether we divorce you or whether you divorce us, what can you expect in the arena of divorce?

  1. The allegations in the divorce petition (or cross petition) will be trumped-up, outrageous and designed to provoke a huge reaction on your part. It does not matter if there is no evidence to support these allegations, from our perspective the allegations are true because of your treachery;
  2. If you are divorcing us and we expect it (e.g. you tell us, you are doing it) you can expect us to evade service of your proceedings to slow the process down and to frustrate you;
  3. There will be a tooth and nail battle over finances;
  4. There will be the hiding of assets, diminution of assets and accusations that you have done this, not us;
  5. Documentation will be hidden, altered and destroyed in order to protect our position;
  6. We will deny the provision of documents and letters to slow proceedings down
  7. We will fabricate documentation in order to support our position;
  8. There will be intransigence over the most minor of items;
  9. There will be a battle over the children. This is nothing to do with their interests but all about fuel. This behaviour will draw fuel from you and is designed to maintain a grip on the children for further fuel manipulation;
  10. You will face repeated accusations concerning your mental health, propensity to violence, drink/drug/other addictions, multiple partners and sluttish behaviour, your neglect of the children. Invariably this is all projection;
  11. There will be use of lieutenants in order to support the spurious allegations at point 10;
  12. We will place heavy reliance on the façade to demonstrate good character;
  13. There will be considerable propaganda concerning the divorce with you being subjected to savage smear campaigns;
  14. Court dates will be missed, appointments forgotten about and such like in order to slow the process and provoke you;
  15. There will be agreements to engage in mediation. This is a sham, there will be no attempt to settle. The mediation will be used to hoover you for fuel;
  16. Spurious applications will be made to cause delay, expense and frustration;
  17. Repeated tactics will be deployed which aim to wear you down;
  18. There will be sudden attempts at reconciliation which come out of nowhere, but are usually a result of us feeling that proceedings may not be going our way;
  19. It may appear that an agreement has been reached but we will change details at the last minute or refuse to agree;
  20. We will renege on agreements repeatedly forcing you to further court time and expense;
  21. There will be manipulation of lawyers, court staff, court officials, court appointed experts and judges. This is done to gain fuel, smear you and preserve the façade;
  22. Don’t expect our lawyer to bring any sense to bear. He or she will have been hoodwinked and charmed by us. We will try and charm your lawyer too;
  23. You will be subjected to malign follow-up hoovers if matters go against us;
  24. We will make applications against you for restraining orders on trumped-up evidence;
  25. Everything you have said and done will be twisted and used against you;
  26. There will be no concessions, even in the face of overwhelming evidence;
  27. Out of the blue there may be “white flag” waving asking for you and us to talk without others being involved. This is just a ruse to hoover you and delay proceedings;
  28. There will be misrepresentation to third parties about what is happening in the proceedings;
  29. We will engage in apparent reliance on others for financial support in order to deny you anything.

Divorce is regularly described as a stressful and upsetting experience. What people fail to realise is that those divorces are the ones which involve our kind, it is just that nobody has spotted that that is the case.


5 thoughts on “The Dirty Divorce”

  1. Wow hg, most of what you inform is so spot on it’s uncanny. This is no exception. I’ve experienced every last bit of it through the divorce process that’s still dragging on, two years later. It’s almost creepy really. I’d love to read more on this subject from you.

  2. My husband’s first wife ( mid-range victim narc) divorced him which took him by surprise. Their marriage was horrible but he was planning on sticking to it because of his moral principles (he’s a devout Mormon although she was a Mormon too but just for facade). He found out from a friend of hers that she was bragging about planning the divorce for years, she had been secretly saving money for herself and that she thought she was so smart to do that. He said that they had an agreement to not have anymore kids after the accident that has caused their second child and only son to become special needs. The 4month old baby boy suffocated in his crib because the mom left him unattended with a thick blanket and my husband found his son blue in the crib when he got home from work. He had no idea she stopped taking pills and she got pregnant with their last baby. Her friend (or frenemy) said that she bragged about getting pregnant so she could get more child support from him. He ended getting full custody of all the kids though because it was peoven that she was a horrible parent. Although he allowed her to be a part of their kids’ lives to not deprive them of their mom which he said he now regrets because of her toxicity and bad influence.

    She was very beautiful and charming, not in a confident way but because she always acts like a meek lamb, so a lot of people from their church were on her side. He always gave her the financial support that she was entitled to but she still went to the Mormon church to ask for food and say that he was not supporting her like he should. Some church members castigated him for that.

    The interesting twist though, was she lost the house that my husband bought for cash for her as part of their settlement and also her alimony because she married this Chinese guy who told her that he is part of a royal family in China and he is just waiting for his inheritance. They borrowed all kinds of money against her house and travelled extensively. Then all of a sudden he vanished and only left her anromantic poem saying that somewhere he will be looking at the stars and thinking about her forever. She couldn’t pay the mortgage so she lost wverything.

  4. Much of what is described in The Dirty Divorce is my life at this time. My narc is one who is icy cold and has turned children whom once adored me against me because “I’m trying to take him for everything”. The fact is I’m not asking for anything more than my fair share of the marital estate, but in his eyes that is nothing, as I “contributed nothing”. All the debt is mine and all the money is his. Luckily we live in separate states and do not and have not had to put eyes upon one another in several months. Why does a narcissist feel with utter conviction that the partner whom they are divorcing should not get their fair distribution of the marital estate? It baffles me that the law is concrete, but he can offer 10% of what is actually duly owed and feel as if it is generous. I have read dozens of books, attend a support group, and am a psychiatric health professional and still just can’t wrap my head around how a person can be so manipulative, selfish, and greedy when once they were so very much as dream come true. Any suggestions/readings to help me get trough what I will continue to face until this charade is done? Additionally why do I miss this person and why does it hurt when I am very much aware of the lack of love and caring this person has for me and I’m fully aware of his agenda no that I have hindsight?
    Alway enlightened by the reading but grossly disappointed in the behavior of the disordered,

  5. This was my divorce:

    -Told him I wanted to divorce him
    -He said fine
    -I got an lawyer and only asked for the minimum alimony
    -He signed the papers

    Completely done without any words, without any fights.

    You doubt I was with a narc? So did I at times, but the divorce was just like our marriage: I never existed to him. He always lived his life the way he wanted.

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