The Dirty Divorce
Divorce. There is a high chance of this happening when you have been ensnared by one of our kind. You might think that a narcissist would want to hold on to a source of supply and would never instigate divorce proceedings against their intimate partner who is a primary source. This is not a concern to our kind at all, for the following reasons: –
- It is your fault. It is always your fault;
- If we want a divorce, we are entitled to divorce in accordance with our sense of entitlement;
- We have a new primary source who we may well want to bind to us through marriage, therefore you need to be divorced. (There will be some of our kind who won’t let a divorce stand in their way and will commit bigamy but that is a matter for a different topic.)
- If you are financially superior to the narcissist, it is a means of obtaining our share, because we are, of course, entitled;
- If you are financially inferior to the narcissist, it is a method of denying you getting your share. You deserve nothing because you have failed us.
- There is no concern on our part that we might well be regarded as a failure for having to engage in divorce proceedings. This is because it is your fault and we are never accountable.
- We like to get in first;
- Divorce proceedings provide us with a vast range of fuel opportunities, from provoking you, gaining sympathy from our supporters, admiration from others as to how we are handling it and so forth.
If you instigate divorce proceedings, then our attitude to proceedings is governed by: –
- A massive sense of injustice. We gave you so much during the golden period and this is how you treat us?
- It is never our fault. You are a greedy, nasty, horrible person who just cannot be satisfied;
- Your action amounts to a considerable criticism of us. This ignites our fury and this fury will drive our attitude and behaviour towards you during the divorce;
- We will look to cross-petition for divorce by demonstrating that it is your fault and not ours;
- We will defend your divorce petition, because we have done nothing wrong;
- Your awful behaviour towards us provides us with material to smear you, “how could he/she do this to me after all the things I have done for her/him?”
- It provides us with material to maintain our façade by showing how “noble” we are (to the outside world) under such provocation from you.
Divorce proceedings are another stage for us to appear on, to draw fuel, to exert control and to manipulate. There is so much material for us to use against you and to our advantage. It is a battlefield which we relish appearing on. This process will be covered in greater detail in the work Divorce and the Narcissist along with steps that you can take to handle the process.
Given these attitudes to whether we divorce you or whether you divorce us, what can you expect in the arena of divorce?
- The allegations in the divorce petition (or cross petition) will be trumped-up, outrageous and designed to provoke a huge reaction on your part. It does not matter if there is no evidence to support these allegations, from our perspective the allegations are true because of your treachery;
- If you are divorcing us and we expect it (e.g. you tell us, you are doing it) you can expect us to evade service of your proceedings to slow the process down and to frustrate you;
- There will be a tooth and nail battle over finances;
- There will be the hiding of assets, diminution of assets and accusations that you have done this, not us;
- Documentation will be hidden, altered and destroyed in order to protect our position;
- We will deny the provision of documents and letters to slow proceedings down
- We will fabricate documentation in order to support our position;
- There will be intransigence over the most minor of items;
- There will be a battle over the children. This is nothing to do with their interests but all about fuel. This behaviour will draw fuel from you and is designed to maintain a grip on the children for further fuel manipulation;
- You will face repeated accusations concerning your mental health, propensity to violence, drink/drug/other addictions, multiple partners and sluttish behaviour, your neglect of the children. Invariably this is all projection;
- There will be use of lieutenants in order to support the spurious allegations at point 10;
- We will place heavy reliance on the façade to demonstrate good character;
- There will be considerable propaganda concerning the divorce with you being subjected to savage smear campaigns;
- Court dates will be missed, appointments forgotten about and such like in order to slow the process and provoke you;
- There will be agreements to engage in mediation. This is a sham, there will be no attempt to settle. The mediation will be used to hoover you for fuel;
- Spurious applications will be made to cause delay, expense and frustration;
- Repeated tactics will be deployed which aim to wear you down;
- There will be sudden attempts at reconciliation which come out of nowhere, but are usually a result of us feeling that proceedings may not be going our way;
- It may appear that an agreement has been reached but we will change details at the last minute or refuse to agree;
- We will renege on agreements repeatedly forcing you to further court time and expense;
- There will be manipulation of lawyers, court staff, court officials, court appointed experts and judges. This is done to gain fuel, smear you and preserve the façade;
- Don’t expect our lawyer to bring any sense to bear. He or she will have been hoodwinked and charmed by us. We will try and charm your lawyer too;
- You will be subjected to malign follow-up hoovers if matters go against us;
- We will make applications against you for restraining orders on trumped-up evidence;
- Everything you have said and done will be twisted and used against you;
- There will be no concessions, even in the face of overwhelming evidence;
- Out of the blue there may be “white flag” waving asking for you and us to talk without others being involved. This is just a ruse to hoover you and delay proceedings;
- There will be misrepresentation to third parties about what is happening in the proceedings;
- We will engage in apparent reliance on others for financial support in order to deny you anything.
Divorce is regularly described as a stressful and upsetting experience. What people fail to realise is that those divorces are the ones which involve our kind, it is just that nobody has spotted that that is the case.
25 thoughts on “The Dirty Divorce”
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Former professional tennis player Arantxa Sanchez would benefit immensely from a consultation with HG. The poor woman (already estranged from her family) had her fortune squandered and is about to lose custody of her kids to narc ex husband who, among other things, claims the ex wife suffers from ‘psychological problems’.
Very, very nasty divorce.
If she’s up against a Greater Narcissist, which she likely is, it will not end well for her.
I wish I could send her the link to this blog…
Where there’s a will, there’s a way….
The empath in me really wants to save her 🙂 I will do some research and see what I can do. She deserves to be shown a way out of this hell.
Windstorm,
So I guess you didn’t realize in the above that I was Blank 🙂 Sorry for the confusion. I’m just not (feeling) Blank anymore, that’s why I thought I needed a new name.
Sex and heartbreak, I don’t know what causes heartbreak more, to never have had great sex, or to have had great sex and have to miss out on it now. During the first year we were together I think we had good sex, but perhaps it was more my state of mind that caused me to think so. I realized he never really ‘wanted’ me. He never touched me during the day. And he always had to smoke, drink and do drugs in the bedroom, which caused me to start disliking all that fuss (especially the smoking in the bedroom, where I would love fresh air). I’ve had so many doubts about how he acted and his lack of affectionate gestures. I think 4 years ago, after 25 years of marriage, when I fell in love with musician narc (and perhaps because of menopause issue) I wanted sex so bad. There I was, seeing my body getting old, never been touched in almost 2 decades. I felt (mentally as well as physically) it was ‘now or never’. But musician narc had a girlfriend (which I found out after a few months), so no sex either. The no-sex part tears me up once in a while, as much as the no love part.
“apparent happiness when he feels superior and is well fueled, and extreme frustration whenever the situation is not what he wants.”
Exactly that Windstorm! The superior ‘happiness’. Like last night when he came home from a dinner with foreign business people. OMG his attitude is so obnoxious superior then, it’s even funny to watch. Frustration would always be solved with booze and drugs. The only times I ever saw ‘a beginning of anger or frustration’ were the times were he had no acces to those means. And he would avoid any place or situation were he wouldn’t have acces to them. But booze is available anywere, right? During holidays with the children everything was always about his needs (he had to leave the hotelroom to smoke, he had to find a bar to drink, we had to drive ends to get cigarettes or a lighter, etc..)
So yes, N-ex husband is an alcoholic. When he comes home, first thing he does is grab the bottle and he’ll drink untill he can’t stand on his feet anymore. The music is on volume 99 and he’ll spend his time rolling cigarettes and joints and read. He does no work in the house or the garden. He’ll just leave the place a mess, until I come clean it up. At work he’s the tall man in the nice suit, doing the blah blah with business associates. He’s living two different lives. That’s why it’s hard to understand for other people what he is really like, because they never get to see him the way I do.
Glad for you your Pretzel sobered up, W., I wish N-ex would do too, he is not a good role model for our 2 boys. Well, they are now at an age where they start to realize their father is not quite ‘normal’.
Have a nice time in Kansas Windstorm! Now that you share a bedroom together, perhaps you should catch up with everything you missed out on when you were married ;). I can imagine it must be an awkward situation. Good luck! Giving you a big hug xx
SF2
No, I didn’t realize who you were when I replied earlier. Name changes are difficult for me. I have a very difficult time keeping up with everybody as it is. I don’t have K’s skills. I am glad that you no longer feel blank!
Thankfully i only had to share the bedroom with my Pretzel MnM for two nights. He has his own mattress on the floor and such forced close proximity is hell for both of us! We each resent that the other is so callous and demanding (and each feel the other is projecting our resentment. Ha, ha!). And we’re both right. He, because he is a narcissist and me because I ran out of tolerance long ago.
I am home now, thanks be to God! I was gone 3 weeks and Pretzel came up to my house several times to spend the night, to check on my animals and provide a presence to discourage thieves. He always leaves a terrible mess that I will be cleaning up today. He usually warns me of the worst if it before I come home (to garner fuel of course 😉).
One trip he let most of my houseplants die because he refused to water them. This time he said that he got so “shook up” at my wanting him to water my houseplants that he “accidentally” poured water in my big gravity dog food feeder, soaking the dog food, then leaving it to mold. Before all I have learned here on Narcsite, that would have irritated me, now I just laugh! Thankfully it was too cold for a lot of mold to grow.
You are very right about them living two separate lives and no one outside the home has a clue. I often think that was one of the hardest things about living with him. It was like I was trapped in my own little personal hell that no one else knew existed. It really helped me when our children were still at home, because they all saw how he was and knew the truth. It was a sort of validation for me. Even now that they are all grown with homes of their own, I know that they understand. So often what we really need more than anything else is just for someone else to truly understand.
I don’t remember how old your boys are. They will see the truth and need it explained to them. I had wonderful in-laws who taught all of us about alcoholism and narcissism and we never sugarcoated or pretended things were different than they were.
We were all blessed to have my mother in law and father in law. They were no-nonsense people who laid out the unvarnished truth a lot like how HG does. They made sure we all had access to the truth, but what we did with it was up to us.
Thanks for the message Windstorm. Sorry for the name change, I agree, it’s difficult to remember who is who here all of the time. I saw I even messed up my own new name haha.
I can imagine it must be a real challenge to have to sleep with your ex in one room. Well, you survived and how lovely of him to check on your animals. Aren’t narcs the sweetest, caring people ;)?
“accidentally” poured water in my big gravity dog food feeder”
Yeah, I know those kind of ‘accidents’. Purposefully screw up all kinds of jobs he had to do on the house (breaking a door, drilling multiple holes in the wall just to hang a small item, etc..). Now I know he did it for fuel, and also to make me not want him to do those kind of jobs anymore.
I do not try to make other people understand narcissism any longer, perhaps you can only understand it when you had to deal with it, and even then most people don’t get it.
Our sons know what their father is, I discussed narcissism with them and they understand now why he acts like he does. They don’t have a close relationship with him, I think both ways there is no real connection. Out of sight, out of mind. It’s sad.
Enjoy being back home Windstorm, you can relax again 🙂 xx
Windstorm,
I was thinking about this:
“I had wonderful in-laws who taught all of us about alcoholism and narcissism and we never sugarcoated or pretended things were different than they were.”
Were neither of your parents in law narcissists or alcoholics themselves? Do you know how they knew about narcissism? Did they figure it out themselves, or probably because Pretzel is a narc? Does Pretzel have any (narc) brothers or sisters?
And can I ask you how and when you realized your children were narcs also?
2SF
My FIL was both a narcissist and an alcoholic. Pretzel had 2 brothers who were narcs, one of whom is also an alcoholic. My FIL and MIL were very highly involved in AA and AlAnon once he sobered up. That is where they learned so much about alcoholism, narcissism and codependency. They explained it to all of us and were very open about it.
As to my two sons who are narcs, I came to realize it over time. My oldest son has never really had natural empathy. From birth he didn’t want to be held unless I was feeding him and didn’t intuitively understand other people like his younger siblings did. His emotions were obviously different. He was happiest when he felt above or superior to others. It was a real challenge to teach him cognitive empathy and the importance of treating others with compassion. That’s where my FIL and Pretzel were very helpful because they taught him how it could be in his best interest (I.e. more fuel) to not be destructive and hurtful to others.
My youngest son is adopted and was 16 when he came into the family, so his personality was long set. He missed out on the family training and has no idea he is different. He is very difficult for me to interact with because I can’t predict when he will blow up in rage and he’s constantly saying things that can’t be depended on. He is also very somatic and his lies are different. I’m much more comfortable with cerebrals.
My daughter’s oldest (who is 6), is like my oldest son. I could sense it from when he was a newborn. She is working very hard to teach him cognitive empathy and to be kind to others. She’s taking a different approach than I did, though. She sees his narcissism as a strength that he can use to become a leader and is trying to teach him to use it in positive ways. I was always too appalled at their lack of empathy for others to see narcissism as potentially beneficial.
Hope you’re having a great weekend! ❤️
Thanks for answering all my questions Windstorm. It’s interesting, all those narcs you deal with. It’s good that your in-laws were so open about it. My FIL was a narc and alcoholic also and a cheater (he was very open about that too – I felt very sorry for my MIL). He could rage too and everything had to be his way. My MIL was sweet, but she had a problem showing emotions or be physical, she couldn’t cuddle our boys when they were young and she would be very stiff when anyone would kiss her on the cheek. Still, she wasn’t a cold person. Her father was a narc (some position in the government). For me she was a good MIL, because she knew how to listen and was never dominant or forcing anything upon us (unlike my mother).
I can imagine you have a hard time dealing with your youngest son, when you are used to deal with cerebrals. But I’m sure you’re doing a good job, being a teacher and you seem to have a natural calm.
“see narcissism as potentially beneficial”
that is what I’m thinking about lately. Being very empathetic and emotional isn’t always very beneficial. I’m trying to get a grip on my ‘fantasy’ and emotional thinking as well as trying to cut out my feelings of guilt. When you realize you can not change a narcissistic child, maybe it’s okay to handle it like your daughter does. I don’t know what would be the best approach. I try to teach our children to be empathic, but my sons tell me all the time: ‘our friends don’t do that… nobody does that … that is old fashioned.. ‘ when I only mention making kind gestures or help someone. It’s true a lot of people only think about themselves and do not care for others. Their father has never been a good role-model either, unfortunately. They think being empathic is for women. But it’s so much better talking to them these days, without N-ex being around.
Take care Windstorm and thanks for your reponses xx
2SF
You’re welcome. I’m always happy to talk about myself and family.
My daughter has all her children trained to always be kind and helpful and always to watch out for and take care of those younger than themselves. That works very well now when they are 6, 4, 2 and 1, but will get more and more challenging as they get older. I fear for the open warfare that may result when they become old enough to refuse to do what she wants. She’s a very demanding person, much like a Marine Drill Sargent. Sparks already fly with the 6 year old.
You take care as well! ❤️
WS
Pssst…my secret is cannabis infused edibles. JK! Being a librarian has given me enhanced indexing skills.
Windstorm! I suddenly see a picture of you! That is you, isn’t it? You look like a very sweet, warm and cuddly person. A bit like my favourite great-aunt, with whom I would stay during holidays as a young girl. She was single, never married and a very kind and warm-hearted woman. I wish I could send pics here, so you could see how you and she look a like 🙂 I guess that’s your grandchild you’re holding? Good to see you Windstorm 🙂 Hugs, xx
2SF
Yep. That’s me and my youngest granddaughter. Thank you.
Divorce paper went to the house where my husband lives with his parents. He has said in a letter he sent (I did not read but got someone else to read it for me) that he would not be part of it….it was wrong, I was in the wrong to do it. That he would not sign papers, he would not go to court. Good. Good, good, good…..that means – once the bailiff sends him the papers – if he still does not sign – I can proceed without him. Which is brilliant.
So heres hoping he doesn’t respond.
Wow hg, most of what you inform is so spot on it’s uncanny. This is no exception. I’ve experienced every last bit of it through the divorce process that’s still dragging on, two years later. It’s almost creepy really. I’d love to read more on this subject from you.
My husband’s first wife ( mid-range victim narc) divorced him which took him by surprise. Their marriage was horrible but he was planning on sticking to it because of his moral principles (he’s a devout Mormon although she was a Mormon too but just for facade). He found out from a friend of hers that she was bragging about planning the divorce for years, she had been secretly saving money for herself and that she thought she was so smart to do that. He said that they had an agreement to not have anymore kids after the accident that has caused their second child and only son to become special needs. The 4month old baby boy suffocated in his crib because the mom left him unattended with a thick blanket and my husband found his son blue in the crib when he got home from work. He had no idea she stopped taking pills and she got pregnant with their last baby. Her friend (or frenemy) said that she bragged about getting pregnant so she could get more child support from him. He ended getting full custody of all the kids though because it was peoven that she was a horrible parent. Although he allowed her to be a part of their kids’ lives to not deprive them of their mom which he said he now regrets because of her toxicity and bad influence.
She was very beautiful and charming, not in a confident way but because she always acts like a meek lamb, so a lot of people from their church were on her side. He always gave her the financial support that she was entitled to but she still went to the Mormon church to ask for food and say that he was not supporting her like he should. Some church members castigated him for that.
The interesting twist though, was she lost the house that my husband bought for cash for her as part of their settlement and also her alimony because she married this Chinese guy who told her that he is part of a royal family in China and he is just waiting for his inheritance. They borrowed all kinds of money against her house and travelled extensively. Then all of a sudden he vanished and only left her anromantic poem saying that somewhere he will be looking at the stars and thinking about her forever. She couldn’t pay the mortgage so she lost wverything.
Wow mommypino! (Who’d say there’s no such thing as Karma? ;))
Much of what is described in The Dirty Divorce is my life at this time. My narc is one who is icy cold and has turned children whom once adored me against me because “I’m trying to take him for everything”. The fact is I’m not asking for anything more than my fair share of the marital estate, but in his eyes that is nothing, as I “contributed nothing”. All the debt is mine and all the money is his. Luckily we live in separate states and do not and have not had to put eyes upon one another in several months. Why does a narcissist feel with utter conviction that the partner whom they are divorcing should not get their fair distribution of the marital estate? It baffles me that the law is concrete, but he can offer 10% of what is actually duly owed and feel as if it is generous. I have read dozens of books, attend a support group, and am a psychiatric health professional and still just can’t wrap my head around how a person can be so manipulative, selfish, and greedy when once they were so very much as dream come true. Any suggestions/readings to help me get trough what I will continue to face until this charade is done? Additionally why do I miss this person and why does it hurt when I am very much aware of the lack of love and caring this person has for me and I’m fully aware of his agenda no that I have hindsight?
Alway enlightened by the reading but grossly disappointed in the behavior of the disordered,
Mel
Melissa
Being here and reading is a great start, but you will get much more information and satisfy many questions by having a private consult with HG.
Melissa,
I have been down the same road twice! Don’t get discouraged when I tell you this, but a divorce/seperation+children when there is a narcissist involved, isn’t like a normal divorce. The “charade” is never “done”. However, due to the Narc’s inconsistencies, and your likelihood of evolving and getting better, will cause the situation and turmoil to flexuate. HG wrote a great piece called, Save The Children. I highly recommend it.
Try to not exert too much energy on things and people you can not change. This is hard, and a trap that we fall into the moment we are seduced by a narc. Try to acknowledge and accept what is.
Try to be an open source of love and positivity for your children. Try to keep it light. When the Narcissist makes your children angry at you, instead of trying to confront the situation and present the truth, reassure your children that you still love them.
I noticed that the Narcissistic ex tears down, to build themselves up. They are insecure, and you are amazing-don’t forget this. From my experience, there seems to be three main triggers that causes them to lash out, and tear you down. 1. Is the actual divorce/seperation. They can accept this failure, so you must take the blame.
2. When they get a new partner. The intensity/paterns/legnth of the malign hoovers during this phase, flexuate depending on the type of narcissist you have on your hands.
3. When you move on, get your head on straight, stop caring what they think of you. They can’t stand this
Also, with the Holidays around the corner, I want to add, the Narcissist will try to make it a shit show especially if children are involved. If you get child support from a narcissist, expect them to not pay, only pay half, or quit their jobs so you are without. Or expect the narcissist to go above and beyond you with the gift giving to outdo you. They may even have the whole Christmas day to themselves and you get “next year”. Whatever their deal is, try to tackle all these tactics by giving the children memories of doing fun things together. Best of luck.
This was my divorce:
-Told him I wanted to divorce him
-He said fine
-I got an lawyer and only asked for the minimum alimony
-He signed the papers
Completely done without any words, without any fights.
You doubt I was with a narc? So did I at times, but the divorce was just like our marriage: I never existed to him. He always lived his life the way he wanted.
2steps
I had a very amicable divorce, also. I didn’t tell him in advance, though, just had the papers served to him at work (that part didn’t go over at all well, but it was my best bet to actually get them to him).
No court, no hassle, but I believe that was for his façade. It let him play the big man, the strong, logical, unemotional one. He probably got a lot of fuel from others, too. Even nearly 12 years later his friends still hate me. God alone knows what sort of things he said to them. Lol!
Hi Windstorm.
Just now coming across your comment. My situation is often like yours, isn;t it? It’s because we were with Cerebrals I think. They act different than Somatics and Elites. Mine never showed emotions. Emotions are for the weak. (You just drink them away)
Sure it’s all facade, their whole life is.
I have no clue either what he might have said to acquaintances and family and I do not really care either, because I don’t see them.
So, we are the lucky ones Windstorm, to have had such a wonderful quiet divorce ;)) xx
2SF
I agree. After reading about so many other people’s experiences, I do feel very lucky. Granted I’ve never had, no never will have, the great sex people talk about, but that spared me from a lot of heartbreak in the long run.
My Pretzel MnM is very unemotional, too. His primary emotions are apparent happiness when he feels superior and is well fueled, and extreme frustration whenever the situation is not what he wants. Right now we’re both at our daughter’s in Kansas and having to share a bedroom, so I’m seeing a lot of frustration. Lol! It’s not a lot of fun for me, either!
Is yours an alcoholic, too? Mine used to drink his emotions away, until he lost control of his drinking. I have to give him credit, when it was sober up or lose his job, he sobered up.