The Matriarch Narcissist Knows Best





“I love you.”

“I have heard this is a good one for getting a reaction from you because this is what you always want to hear.”


“You won’t ever amount to anything.”

“Not while I am interfering in every facet of your life, controlling you and making your childhood and your adult life one long battle.”


I just thought I would call you and see how you are.”

“You do not give me enough fuel. You are an ungrateful son/daughter and I regret the day I gave birth to you.”


“It is my birthday next week and I just wondered if you had anything planned.”

“I expect something lavish and spectacular so I can be centre stage. If you haven’t planned such an event you are cruel and uncaring, just as I always thought.”


“I am proud of you.”

“For once you have done something I approve of and now I can take all the credit for it.”



“You were quite a challenge when you were younger.”

“I thought you might resist my cold-hearted manipulation of you, but I broke you in the end.”


“I suppose you have heard the sad news about your Uncle Paul dying?”

“A death! A funeral! Such a wonderful stage for me to dominate and all those relatives to suck fuel from.”


“I am trying to help you,you know?”

“I am trying to control you, stop resisting me.”


I have done so much for you. All I want is some thanks.”

“I think I have done so much for you. I need some fuel.”


“It was a joke. You take yourself so seriously.”

“It was not a joke. Damn you for seeing through it. I need to back track quickly so I am not accountable.”


“You were an accident.”

“Go on cry and make me feel powerful.”


“Your father and I have discussed this as we think…”

“I have decided….”


“Your father agrees with me so there is no point running to him.”

“Your father knows better than to contradict me.”


“I had such high hopes for you.”

“You aren’t doing what I want.”


“That never happened.”

“It did but you are not allowed to hold that against me.”


“We never thought you would leave home.”

“You were not meant to move out of my control.”


“We hardly ever see you these days.”

“You should be providing me with fuel more often.”


“You weren’t like this when you were little.”

“You were so much easier to control back then.”


“I don’t love you.”

“I don’t love you. I never have.”


31 thoughts on “The Matriarch Narcissist Knows Best”

  1. HG,
    Hope all is well with you.
    It kind of worries me when even your minions are not updating article posts

    Hope to see you here again soon.


  2. Hello HG,

    You have been away from the narcsite blog for a little while now. I hope you are well and everything is ok with you. Maybe you’re just having a break, or more likely, finishing off several books and planning yet another way to strengthen your “legacy” 😉

  3. Did you ever finish ‘Little Boy Lost’? Trust me it will be your masterpiece.
    Do you have any children? Probably not. Is that because you are afraid of wrecking their souls?
    I do not think you are an actual narc though.. My analysis is you emulated the behaviour but still managed to keep a lot of your soul alive.
    Hidden doesn’t mean dead.
    This blog is not giving you fuel. It’s providing you with courage to open up. Be the man your father wasn’t.

  4. #15 is my MIL’s favorite. She loves revising history. Thanks for the list, HG, it makes my husband and me feel validated and helps us call her on her bullsh*^.

  5. I am still not sure to what degree my mother had true symptoms of NPD, but she had some definite narcissistic tendencies. She does not, however, fit the description in this blog entry, mostly because she was a “communal” narcissist who took pride in being incredibly selfless and caring. She would do things like taking food off her plate and putting it on yours to show how selfless she was. She also made a big point of staying home with me and smothering me with attention. On the bright side, since she took so much pride in being a loving mom, I was generally treated very well. On the other hand, one must not criticize my mother’s good deeds. Daring to offer negative commentary on her home, her vacation planning, her generosity, etc. would earn wrath and, depending on her degree of investment, a silent treatment. Unlike many narcissistic moms, she did not hold out my academic or personal accomplishments as evidence of her worth; I needed to show that I was perfectly loved and well-adjusted and very grateful. This meant that when I asked to go to therapy in my teens for severe anxiety, the answer was no, I was fine, I did not need therapy. One did not have bad feelings or act sad or cry. When I left for a university far away, my mother lamented that I had not considered her at all in my choice of college — who would she care for in my absence? When I dared to move out of the house permanently at . . . wait for it . . . age 24, she said there was no way I would do that unless I was angry at her. Adult me offered disappointingly few opportunities for her to shower me with caring. I still get totally mixed up when I try to sort out her self-conscious goodness with her actual altruism, and I am not totally convinced that she completely lacked the latter, either.

  6. “My good friend’s daughter is mentally ill, tried to kill her mother and is now in a home for mentally ill people. Her poor normal mother is devastated”
    That is exactly what I want you to think I and everyone around me think of you. There is something very wrong with you.


  7. Yuck. I don’t have a narc mom. But that is my husbands mother all day , everyday. She didn’t go to college … only decorates to show a certain image ….wants to write her own obituary and never would write love on cards she gave to me ….I never earned her love …ick

  8. HG, do mid-rangers (who cannot see their narcissism) generally seek vengeance when challenged or escaped? Or is that something that only malign/elite narcissists do? For that matter: are mid-rangers ever malign?

    1. Generally speaking they do not as they are passive aggressive and cowardly, but if circumstances allow they may do so, but is not usual. Yes, they can act in a malign fashion.

  9. This hit quite a nerve. I guess I am still too much of a ‘good daughter’ as I still find myself in denial about most of what had happened in my childhood. I don’t want to sound pathetic nor do I want to blame and accuse my parents and especially my mother of ‘doing it all wrong’, but the actual truth is that even today, I never truly called what has happened as it was.

    I have heard many of those sentences – these days, it is more the seemingly positive “I am so proud of you.” Or, when my brothers or I achieve anything that is of value or a success in my mother’s eyes, it is most often “of course you do, you are my children after all” and such like. I have never even once heard my father say anything in that regard.

    When I was a child, I was told that I was „truly difficult and quite hard to love that way.“ Admittedly, I was a stubborn child on occasion and not always easy to deal with as I would ask many questions and not always be satisfied with my parents’ explanations. My mother would repeatedly tell me that I „needed to be sent to a psychologist“ but never followed through with that vague announcement which, as a child, frightened and confused me. I felt that because of what my mother told me, there was something wrong with me even though I didn’t know what it was.

    It was like anything hurt- or harmful she ever did – she would do it without giving it a second thought, without even a moment of (re-)consideration. Whereas I appreciate and respect that most people do make mistakes out of situational thoughtlessness and merely because they are human, I felt that with my mother, it was a thought- and recklessness that she would neither reflect nor take any responsibility for at all. Even as a young child, I felt that she was immature and therefore unsafe.

    For example, I am naturally left-handed, and she trained me to use my right hand for writing when I started school. I remember those long afternoons where, after I had done my homework and instead of playing with the kids outside, I was forced to practice writing with my right hand. My mother would observe and assist me by occasionally holding my left hand behind my back, thus forcing me to suppress my natural reflex. I remember that it felt torturous and painful as my right hand was very clumsy and I gradually lost joy in writing which also had an impact on how I would perceive the process of learning.

    I never really thought much about this incident until some people, neutral outsiders, reacted perplexed when they got to know the reason why I would not use my dominant hand. It was for this reason, that spontaneous and natural reaction, that I confronted my mother once about why she made that decision back then. I did not accuse her of any malicious intent; it was just a question out of curiosity about her reasons. I guess she trained me without taking into consideration that it might have a negative impact – she thought there was none – and for maintaining a facade. I was the only child in class who was left-handed, so I would rather stand out as an ‘exception’ to the rule.

    She would, without even a second of consideration, answer that I, a child of six years at that time, wanted it that way. The tone of her voice revealed that she was angry about my question. She would then tell me that it did not harm me at all and, this was the most hurtful comment, that it did not matter at all whether I used my right or my left hand. My instant reaction was “who was she to decide that.” Her way of rationalizing and denying any accountability and of ‘just knowing better’ – in front of her adult daughter – was astounding, especially since I recently learned that, at least in my home country, forcing left-handers to use their right hand is considered bodily harm by law these days.

    There are many other examples but as this conversation happened not too long ago, I felt like sharing as a response to this article and part of my personal experience.

  10. Dear HG,
    How to make a greater lesser narcissist see that his narc mother is manipulative, controlling and calculated?
    Even though he occasionally says she is, when he rages because of an injury caused by her or another family memeber. She plays on his ego all the time. It is like he knows but then lets it slide
    How to break him away from his family?
    The family use him for his money and shes very controlling and is making it difficult for him to move out even though he is a grown man and has a successful career.

    1. There is no point in attempting to do this because you are continuing to engage with a narcissist which is contrary to the first golden rule of freedom.

  11. “I just thought I would call you and see how you are.”

    For once I wish she would say that, instead of ‘I thought I’d call you because I don’t hear from you at all’..

    Matrinarc being dismissive is a ‘normal’ given, but is there anyone here who’s mother really said out loud “I don’t love you”? I thought matrinarcs would pretend they do love you?

  12. Pingback: The Matriarch Narcissist Knows Best | NarcTopia
      1. Will your life fundamentally change when your mother passes? I can understand you may still harbour anger and resentment, but you are not her.

      2. “Still breathing. Unfortunately.”

        This made me laugh! Come on, HG. If your mother dies before you finish your grand design, wouldn’t you feel somewhat thwarted? One can’t really get revenge on the dead. Or perhaps it would eliminate the need for much extra work and effort?

        Very glad you have the time to be posting again now!

  13. HG
    Awesome! Right on the money. I’ve heard those exact phrases many times. Oh and BTW, congratulations on hitting the 12 million mark!

  14. I could read this a million times, each and every time it breaks my heart! I’m sorry for the pain your mother caused you as a child HG. 😪🌺

  15. So very true. It’s something for something. Always with them. There is no repreave. Then there’s the hellatious thoughts in our own brains. The heart hardens. It doesn’t matter empath or narcissist. Part of each parties heart’s dies.

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