The Magnet Empath
The Magnet Empath. This is an empathic individual who has certain magnetic tendencies which are layered onto their classification as an empath, super empath or co-dependent. The Magnet Empath is a person that people are instinctively and naturally drawn to. This person has an inner light which is easily recognised by certain people; those who are in need. The Magnet Empath might be sat on a tube train when the person next to them will find an irresistible urge to want to tell them that they are travelling to an important interview and they are feeling nervous. The Magnet Empath might be waiting in line to be served in a shop when the customer behind them begins to tell them about their concerns and worries, or where the Magnet Empath is sat watching the swans on a lake when a stranger will sit beside them and start to tell their life story. If you find that complete strangers have a tendency to share intimate and private details with you at the drop of a hat, that they feel a need to off load to you within moments of meeting you and confide in you about their hopes, fears and problems, then you have this magnetic quality.
You draw those in need to you. This is because you shine with this inner light which acts as a beacon of hope and that is what the Magnet Empath embodies; hope. Your empathic nature lights up rooms, illuminates the darkest of situations and brightens the dullest day and this is because you are a walking beacon of hope.
The Magnet Empath moves with confidence and purpose. There is no swagger or arrogance in the way that they enter a room, this person glides, they are serene and elegant. You will not witness any timid scurrying or rolling shoulder bluster, but somebody who is calm and assured. This individual has a clear sense of self – something which appeals to our kind – and this radiates wherever they are. Heads turn, eyes focus and people gravitate towards the appearance of the Magnet Empath. People’s faces light up, there is a lifting of the mood and people want to be seen with and to be next to the Magnet Empath.
Whereas our kind expects this kind of reaction from those around us and indeed seeks and demands it, the Magnet Empath accepts attention with grace and humility. They are not shy, they are not reserved, but there is none of the bluff and bragging that would accompany the engagement of a narcissist with those assembled. The Magnet Empath moves amongst people with a lightness of touch, an encouraging smile, a soft hand placed on the arm and hope shines from him or her.
The Magnet Empath will talk about themselves but in a manner which is encouraging and inspirational. Whilst our kind will also inspire it is done from a platform of declaring one’s own brilliance and you should be more like me. Those with the magnetic empathy will inspire by explaining that the listener is already empowered they just need to release it and to explain that if the magnetic empath can achieve certain aims then so can the listener. They emphasise the connectivity between them and those they interact with, demonstrating how essentially, since they are empathic individuals, they are all cut from the same cloth. The narcissist will demonstrate how we are a cut above and use jealousy and envy as motivational tools instead, demanding improvement, whipping individuals into action for fear of the consequences of not doing so, emphasising the difference between the narcissist and the listener and indicating, heavily, that the listener needs to shape up or ship out, go big or go home, if he or she is to achieve anything.
He or she is content for others to share the limelight and indeed positively encourages it which contrasts with the spotlight stealing behaviour of our kind, but this also acts as an attracting factor to our kind. We identify somebody who can capture the spotlight but does not wish to hog it, allowing us to camp on to it instead.
The Magnet Empath wants to harness potential, bring motivation through the provision of hope, the instilling of belief and the raising of optimism. The Magnet Empath is not one of practicality however. They will not assume the mantle of responsibility for an individual and will not get their hands excessively dirty on behalf of another but rather their aim is to cause those around them to feel better in themselves through their own innate abilities, to tap into as yet unharnessed skills and attributes. This person provides panache and style, bringing hope through words, rather than through actions, a person who can influence in a positive manner the lives of many. Whereas the Carrier Empath is a rugged and practical individual and tends to focus on assisting only a few people, sometimes often only one – usually our kind – the Magnet Empath can affect many people at once with their messages of hope and inspiration.
This individual always believes in hope. This is what drives them and causes them to provide extensive fuel generated by this hope. They hope that love can conquer all and therefore are significant love devotees. They refuse to give up, often flogging a dead horse, endeavouring to overcome the insurmountable. This hope often blinds those with magnetic tendencies to the reality of a situation and causes them to engage in courses of action which invariably result in harm to the empathic person. Blind hope will take them down a path which will be exploited by our kind.
Excellent fuel is generated by this gracious individual, their words inspiring, uplifting, praising and complimenting. They are content to say all of these words and expect little or nothing in return, save that the listener grasps hope and secures growth and achievement. The Magnet Empath is also easily led by false exhibitions of hope, the slightest glimmer is something that they will latch on to in the expectation of improvement and seeing changes. Where the narcissist gives this person cause to hope, it will cause the individual to remain in the grasp of the narcissist as they dangle hope before them to keep them bound.
Often this person need not say anything. Their composure and general demeanour marks them out as who they are, which means that many people engage with them as strangers, unaware that sub-consciously they are drawn to the Magnet Empath. These people are sought after as inspirational speakers, people who present prizes, open new buildings, support charitable trusts and such like and their popularity in this regard and the desire of people who just want to reach out and be touched by the Magnet Empath means that they will often find themselves pulled in many directions and spread thin. This impacts on their energy levels as they feel unable to say no to anybody, not wanting to extinguish the hope that they have begun to cultivate. Instead the Magnet Empath will often take on many different obligations and functions for a wide variety of people with not only consequences for their own ability to deliver but their interaction with our kind when we have ensnared a Magnet Empath.
The Lesser Narcissist tend not to choose those with strong magnetic tendencies. This is because the jealous nature of the narcissist as a whole, but especially the less capable Lesser, means that they fear being overshadowed far too quickly and their resentment would be palpable notwithstanding their seduction. The Lesser’s low control threshold would result in him or her being unable to keep their fury under control during seduction and thus the seduction would fail. Accordingly, it is not attempted. Furthermore, the Lesser will hate the attention that this individual would receive with the upshot that the Lesser would be ignored and overlooked. Unable to compete, the Lesser would be repeatedly wounded and notwithstanding the fuel that comes from the Magnet Empath, this would not be enough. Thus it is unusual to find a Lesser who has ensnared such a person.
The Mid-Ranger likes and wants those empaths with magnetic qualities as they encompass those attributes – charisma, likeability, people skills – which the Mid Ranger believes that he or she has and wishes to project to the world at large. Those with magnetic tendencies prove to be a double-edged sword however. The Mid Ranger will struggle to resist, naturally being drawn to this person for who they are because they are prime material for the narcissist, but find themselves awash with jealousy and envy once devaluation begins. During seduction, these traits can be kept in check and the Mid Ranger will appropriate the benign traits of the Magnet Empath for his own use, but once devaluation commences, he becomes coated in envy which will manifest as prolonged and repeated sulking silent treatments.
The Greater Narcissist revels in the Magnet Empath. Possessing similar levels of charm and magnetism, the Greater finds mirroring extremely easy in order to attract this type of empath. The Magnet Empath’s popularity is also appealing to the Greater who basks in the reflected glory of other people’s enthusiasm, praises the Greater for being with such a wonderful person and naturally soaks up the motivating and complimentary words of the Magnet Empath towards him or her. The Greater regards their acquisition as one which actually saves the Greater some work by attracting additional appliances which the Greater will draw fuel from, hijack as his own appliances and then turn against the Magnet Empath when the smearing commences during devaluation.
The Magnet Empath is a popular person with many empathic attributes, their energy level is not as great as other kinds since they engage more in words than actions, but that is not to say they do not act, just not to the same degree as other types of empath. They also have many demands on their time and attention which ultimately will clash with the desires of our kind, resulting in conflict and control. This will not only hurt this type of empath but result in them feeling torn since they feel obliged to assist others, not just the narcissist and this will result in the narcissist wishing to regulate those behaviours and isolate the Magnet Empath. Their capacity to draw people to them in whatever circumstance, even when not actively doing so, will irk the narcissist considerably during devaluation and provide him or her with the grounds for attack and triangulation.
An excellent fuel provider, both in themselves and the ability to bring others to the narcissist’s table and the Magnet Empath is someone who hangs in there, always strung along by hope, which is at the centre of the magnet’s being,usually to their ultimate detriment during devaluation and also in terms of susceptibility to post discard/post escape hovering.
114 thoughts on “The Magnet Empath”
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It is like a bad case of the clap; it just keeps coming back.
NarcAngel is at it again with her tedious and loquacious prose this time calling your own mother a cow, HG Tudorific. I don’t care if your mamma was your arch hemorrhoid, you ought not allow that Corrosive Canadian call her a cow. Family loyalty is essential.
They never go away.
HG
“They never go away”
Yup. Like a fart in the frozen food aisle lol.
NA, “like a fart in the frozen food aisle”. Never heard that before. It made me giggle.
Who are they?
Whose relative is Aunt Clara?
Caroline R
Go to the link below and use control/command (for a mac) F and a bar will appear on the upper right, use keyword: aunt clara.
https://narcsite.com/2018/06/26/a-letter-to-the-narcissist-no-62-2/
Enjoy your trip down the rabbit hole.
K, thanks for the link. I was wondering myself what was going on here. Quite the read. I was tensed at times. I’m not a big fan of conflicts.
I just have to say after learning about NarcAngel’s life story I admire her even more. I always love seeing her funny and witty comments here. I don’t always understand them but I can always tell that they are funny.
You inspire me NarcAngel. I love your strength and your attitude.
My pleasure mommypino
Narcsite attracts all personality types and occasionally there is a Clash of the Titans and it can get quite tense. Most of the time, it is best to sit back, eat popcorn and enjoy the show.
NarcAngel is very funny and I suspect certain individuals, who unconsciously feel insecure or inferior, view her as a threat and feel the need to besmirch her good name.
K
Haha. Not sure I have a good name. Some people get me and some don’t. I feel sorry for the latter lol.
NarcAngel
Ha ha ha…your name will always be good in my book.
NarcAngel
Personally, I think you have both the perfect name and avatar to match it. I often visualize you alert on the top of an inner city building in the night, cape billowing out behind you, listening for the sounds of children being abused by narcs so you can swoop down in both vengeance and to rescue. Someone more creative could make it into a good graphic novel. “The Adventures of NarcAngel”
Mommypino
Thank you. I think we are all strong and inspiring to others even though the experiences that brought us here may differ. The courage to seek help and to share with others takes great strength, and to watch each other return to ourselves from the effects of abuse is most inspiring. I may seem loud but I hear the quietest whispers.
Someone is trying hard to tell us her experiences in the frozen food section. Isn’t she a breath of fresh air!
I imagine this is why the narcissist can never take her eyes off of me, she’s highly annoyed to see me enter what she probably considers her “territory” and be greeted and sought out by “her” friends. She probably has choked on the bitter words (“You’ll never fit in!”) she tried to wound me with post break-up a thousand times. I have no idea why she continues to torment herself by being where she knows we’ll be, must be a narc thing.
I don’t agree that what you call a “Magnet Empath” is a person who is soooooo empathic that it’s to their own detriment. Being unable to say no is a trait of many types of people. Being able to be manipulated in intimate relationships is as well. These things have to do with dysfunction, not empathy. I’m sure I’m not the only empath who both loves to help people and also doesn’t much care if people like me. I have great affection for people but also don’t bother with assholes. I can recognize a narcissist quickly and make it clear that I’m not the one to play your games with.
Of course this ability was developed over many years. It’s hard to get over finding narcissists attractive when you’re raised by one but it certainly can be done.
I am a Magnet Codependent and I was ensnared by a lesser. The jealousy didn’t play too much into things bevause he saw me as a complete extension of himself in his mind, any attention I got he considered his.
Is thos possible for a magnet Codep and Leaser?
HG
Is there a Shit Magnet Empath? ‘Cause I get all the weirdos.
No, that’s called being Canadian!
Haha…pffft! I almost spit out my lentil stew I’m eating while reading this…how does being Canadian make one a weirdo magnet?
WhoCares
Good god woman. Canadians already have enough goofy stereotypes without you adding that we’re lentil stew eaters.
NA, I thought the same thing! Do they sell lentil soup at Timmy’s?
Hahaha – did I mention it’s homemade lentil stew?
WhoCares
Homemade lentil stew?
You’re not making the case you think you are lol.
Haha – probably not NarcAngel! But the only case I’m going for now is that lentil stew is cheap, highly nutritious and HOT…cause I just came back in from outside and it’s f*cking freezing out there!
WC and NA, fly south. It’s beautiful here! Don’t even need a coat.
For the record…I am Canadian and have never eaten lentil stew. I don’t even know where lentils live.
But…have you seen where the weird milk in a bag lives? Definitely NOT in the US!
MB
Weird milk in a bag? It lives in the US public school system!
WS, no way! We have milk in a bag? Not in NC. (As far as I know)
MB
Freaked me out when I first saw it. Been at least 25 years here in the schools. Instead of small cartons, our school milk is in little plastic bags. Straws come with it and you hold the flat end of the straw closed with your thumb while you punch the sharp end into the bag. Horrible mess if you don’t hold the flat end closed – milk sprays out everywhere! 😝
WS, oh ok…like Caprisun, but milk! They have milk available in Canada in half gallon bags. I saw it on YT. We will probably have that here eventually. The Canadians are more on the cutting edge than we are in lots of things.
MB
I buy my milk in a carton, but I can think of several reasons bags are more sanitary than jugs. Besides, bags better resemble a breast. Someone over there took the slang ‘jugs’ and just ran with it lol.
NA, I heard of these milk bags and watched a video on YT of a girl showing how to store it and use it. I found it interesting.
They live beside the split peas, lol…don’t tell me you’ve never had split pea soup, now?!
NarcAngel
Ha, ha! I’d never heard of lentils until my Moron explained how they eat them in Germany. I have since ordered them off Amazon and tried them, but beans are better!
I think we have established that a lot of Narcs are in Canada. They must be drawn to NA.
HG
Haha. I get that you’re evil but I didn’t know you were mean.
Ha ha.
I’ve learned to cook lentils since having lots of friends with Indian cultural heritage. Dal makhani is delish. It’s great with butter chicken curry, and contains black lentils and kidney beans.
French lentils with lardons are good when it’s freezing outside.
They would have quickly phased out milk-in-a-bag in schools here. Once the first two ten-year-old boys discovered that they made great water pistols (or milk bombs) and made everyone else miserable and milk-sprayed. Yeah, would have lasted about one day.
The only bags of milk here that I am aware of are one litre and for home use. Single serving in bags is ridiculous for the reasons you mention (although I notice there are some juices in foil bags). Single serve milk is in cartons here. Cannabis is in bags. We are a civilized people after all lol.
Now to bring this back to narcissism…
HG, were you breastfed or was that cow as incapable of producing milk as she was nurturing?
Bottle fed.
Of course you were bottle fed.
This bottle fed/breast fed issue has played out before my very eyes this week and been painful for me to see. I witnessed my (suspected) Narc niece “trying” to breast feed for facade while being utterly disgusted by it. (I assume because of the intimacy involved?) She was rude and hateful to the nursing staff and lactation consultants that tried to help her because she claimed the baby didn’t know how to latch. She would try for a few minutes and then exclaim how it wasn’t working and she’s giving up. (With a lot of expletives.) She knew if they kept working with her, it would be successful. She did give up as soon as she went home and nobody was looking anymore. Of course she tried everything as hard as she could. It’s all down to the baby. It’s his fault. He is just incapable of doing one of the most natural things known to man.
Note: before HG, I would have been utterly baffled. Now, I just feel so bad for that little boy. It’s baby HG all over again, but this time, he could be saved if I weren’t so helpless to stop it. He is a beautiful, perfect, blank slate of innocence. I see the train coming toward him and he’s tied to the tracks. What the hell can I do?
MB
It’s not as hopeless as you are imagining. First of all, after being around dozens of infant relatives, no baby is a blank slate. Your little nephew was born with his own personality and inborn traits (hopefully not narc ones, but could be). He will use these traits to navigate and deal with his world.
Also, as his aunt you have the ability to influence his life. You can’t change how his parents raise him, but you can be an empathic presence in his life and your home can be a place for positive influences. Build a relationship with him. Be there for him. Be a positive influence in his life. Aunts and other extended family can have a big influence in a child’s life.
I’d also advise you to be careful not to tick off your niece or be overtly critical of her. She needs to see you as on her side and helpful if you want to stay in his life. Stay positive!
Thank you Windstorm. I was crying as I was typing that and your words are most comforting. I love my niece and use my interactions with her to increase my learning. All of her weird absences and strange behavior make sense to me now that I’ve found HG. This child was conceived for the purposes of binding. She aborted one just a couple of months before conceiving this one. Wrong father I guess. She has no business raising this child. Has never had a home of her own. She sidles up to those with the residual benefit of allowing her to move in, runs her row out with them and goes on to the next. Waiting enough time and then coming back with a hard luck sob story and they are charmed and take her back in. Round and round she goes. Why does God allow these people to be blessed with children when there are those that would give their right arm for a healthy baby boy? Anyway, I am not critical of her and don’t judge her in real life. I even knew better than to push her with the breastfeeding thing. I will take every opportunity I can to spend time with the child. And she will take advantage of that benefit I am sure. I’ll consider it a warm up for my grand babies down the road.
Windstorm
Great advice. Having someone that “sees” you can make all the difference. We should never underestimate the power of acknowledgement to nurture.
NA and WS, I just want him to be loved and treasured for the miracle that he is. I can’t save them all and God knows I don’t want to raise any more children! But I would if I knew he was being abused at home.
MB, your breastfeed/bottle fed comment got me thinking. Last time my sister-in-law breastfed my baby niece when we were sitting together and talking, my mother made a nasty comment about how babies should rather be bottle fed (my brothers and I were as well – she explained it with having issues with inflammation). Her comment was again so rude and inappropriate, particularly since neither of the rest of us had any trouble with it. I felt somewhat reminded of it when you mentioned what you experienced and witnessed with regards to your niece. I have already wondered in the past whether that could be, at least in some but certainly not in all cases, a specifically narcissistic/intimacy/attachment issue or pattern.
Saskia, as a mother that breastfed, I can honestly say that it is one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. It is a very intimate, bonding, attachment experience which I believe is uncomfortable for those with NPD. Touching is abhorrent to them. My niece made the comment while she was pregnant that she probably wouldn’t breastfeed because she “didn’t like the sensation”. I think that was the truth. Any pro social reason will be given to avoid saying, “I cannot stomach another human being touching me if I’m not getting anything from it.”
MB, thank you for your response and for sharing. I am not a mother and I respect the individual decision – sometimes there are indeed medical or other reasons that make bottle-feeding a necessity or the better option and I don’t want to judge anyone for such a decision.
But what you explained about your experience and also with regard to NPD is my understanding as well.
I don’t want everybody to get the idea that I’m a breastfeeding nazi. I am not. My point in bringing it up was that it is one of the most intimate acts one can experience, therefore it does not surprise me that a narcissist would choose not to participate. ie, HGs mother and my niece. I am not a person that judges anybody. I paddle my own canoe. Goodness knows I have enough trouble staying upright with my own life. I am not sad because the baby is not breastfeeding. I am sad because his mother is a narcissist.
I completely understood it as such and you don’t come off as a breastfeeding Nazi at all, MB. My point was merely to emphasize that I don’t want to judge anyone since I am not a mother myself and therefore, I don’t speak from experience. Thanks a lot for your reply and your input on that topic.
Saskia
It’s not all narcs who have trouble with breast feeding (although all the women narcs I know did bottle feed their babies). My DIL is very empathic, but a germaphobe. She could never stand the idea of putting her germs in the baby or the babies germs on her. She couldn’t breast feed without taking a bath before and after each feeding.
Thank you for your response WS – of course, I agree with that notion.
Is it just me or are Canadian narcissists a common topic on here? My Narc Friend is Canadian. That whole “nice” stereotype works well with his facade, and the accent . . .
Reading old comments, I would wonder if some of us knew the same person based on descriptions, but there’s always some tiny detail that doesn’t match.
No, it is just that my Canadian readers love to talk about themselves and their narcissists a lot because when it is freezing you have to keep the old jaw and fingers moving.
Only joking Maple Leaf Folk, I love you all.
“Maple Leaf Folk” – haha, I like that.
Narcissists are not native to Canada. They are exported here from the U.S.A. because everybody likes to hide their shit in the attic lol.
Ha ha very good.
You are correct, NA. Unfortunately, narcissists are everywhere! Not a species native only to Canada.
NarcAngel
My MMRN’s narc sister now lives in Canada and my daughter’s boyfriend (Canadian and NORMAL!!!) now lives in the US.
I think that is a fair trade.
Hi MB, WindStorm said it perfectly. A lot of what we become are because of genetics and not just our environment. I learned that with my two kids. From the moment that they were born, they already had their personalities. I think my older child, my son will be an empath and my daughter will be a normal. The parenting has a huge effect but only to an extent. Although the parenting of your narc niece might make her son’s life harder, he is blessed to have you there to be a good influence and a source of love.
Also, sorry to talk about myself again, but for example, I grew up with my Lesser mom who only finished up to fifth grade jn school and is totally lacking in any refinement, social graces, or common sense. I did not turn out to be like her. To many people who knew us and saw us together as I was growing up, we are like a caricature because of how different we are. It is kind of funny actually. Then I had my dad who wrote me love letters, and my favorite aunt and uncle that have been so loving and gregarious and showed me how to just look at my mom’s antics with a sense of humor. So you can be that beam of light in that little boy’s life.
Also, to give your narc niece the benefit of the doubt, breastfeeding is super hard and really painful at first. A lot of moms who love their kids give up because there are babies who bite with their gums and also we are all put together differently. It’s not easy for everybody. And bottle feeding doesn’t really harm babies. Yes, breastfeeding help in so many ways but it doesn’t really give that big of a difference in a larger scheme of things. It’s best foe babies to be well fed and still, genetics play so much role with the person’s IQ and overall health.
Thank you for the reassurance about genetics/environment mommypino. I know what you mean about breastfeeding being painful. I didn’t know how to do it properly in the beginning with my first baby and was VERY sore. I got mastitis with my second and got very sick. I am definitely not judging anyone that cannot or does not want to breastfeed and the baby formulas out there have such advanced nutrition now, it is probably better than some breastmilk.
I was there and I saw how she acted. It was indicative. Not normal. No empathy for her baby whatsoever. It was disturbing to me. “Take him!”, she said. And take him and held him I did and bit my tongue to keep from crying.
Although MB, I just thought about it after saying that you can be the positive influence on that little boy’s life. It is also dangerous for you because your narc niece might get jealous of you if her son ends up liking you too much. You might get smeared or attacked. My favorite aunt got smeared so much my my mom and my mom got mad at me so muchh whenever she sensed how much I loved her sister.
I was going to say that you always get rats in the roof
Wait – after some thought…I realize that I too attract ‘weirdos’
– only more ‘good’ weird than ‘bad’ weird (like the ones that just don’t fit in). Thank goodness.
NA – I’m sorry if you get more than your fair share of ‘bad’ weird!
WhoCares
I attract ALL kinds of personalities. No place is sacred, they are even in the fucking library. It is ridiculous. They won’t shut up and then I have to leave the library to get away from them.
Lol, it is so true, K! The library too, right?!..Especially *inner city* main branch libraries…yep, ALL kinds.
I frequent local libraries a lot but I can always leave…whereas you *work* there – poor you!
WhoCares
Thank the Gods, this was not the library were I work! So I was able to make my escape each time.
Occasionally, they lurk near the Keurig. Getting a cup of coffee has never been so risky, I only get one if the room is empty.
K
Narcs at the Keurig.
Where “do you enjoy dark roast?” takes on new meaning.
And I thought the Keurig was risky cause I wondered if they *ever* washed the thing out…but thanks for the tip!
My pleasure WhoCares
Take the dirty coffee over the Dirty Angel; it is much safer IMO.
Haha – K, no doubt!
K
That sounds like me! I attract all types of weirdos, too and often have to disappear to escape them!
WS
Yup “into the wind” Vanish! Poof! It is the only way sometimes. Although irritating, I am beginning to really understand why we attract them.
The Fucking Library, K?
Sounds like a good place to meet a delicious man — one who’s full of testosterone AND reads.
Caroline R
Exactly! Except with my luck he would be a cerebral narcissist and there is no chance of getting laid with that personality type.
Me, too, and I STILL haven’t learned to stay away from them …. I still have the urge to make them see …. 🙁
Dearest NarcAngel,
You’re an absolute classic …. you have a sense of humour worth bottling 🤣
Personally…… I think all narcs “are” weirdos in themselves because they have no “authentic self” …. they’re “self less” ….. get it 🤣
My “magnetic aura” appears to attract…mainly….. “blue eyed” licorice all sorts …. maybe Mr Tudor might consult with his “crystal hell fireball” as to why
My dear ol mummy notices every Tom Dick n Harriet gravitating to me when we’re out n about, mentions it a lot ….. alas, could this be jealousy ???
The difference is … we magnets are “ala naturale”
Good relatable piece Mr Tudor ⭐️
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
‘shit magnet empath’
Ha ha!
Is that better or worse than being a dick magnet empath’?
It was a nice surprise to see you without your superhero mask on yesterday NarcAngel.
HG, I have profited immensely from your work – so many things have become clearer by understanding your perspective. I am still struggling with the concept of empathy the way you apply it though – perhaps you could do another piece on this? Would you – for example – say that (magnet) empaths‘ fuel is the positive attention strangers give them by singling them out as good listeners? That they actually do not create (enough) fuel by themselves either but collect it just as the narcissist does – but instead of having to devalue others they must devalue themselves?
Here’s my theory: if the people you call empaths are in devaluation by the narcissist, they accept the fault is at their end, not the narcissist’s; accepting projections and not seeing them for what they are must mean that empaths are not as good at empathizing as they may think.
The point I am trying to make is that empathy, the way I understand it, is the ability to reckognize other people‘s feelings as theirs – as different to their own – and then have the ability to care while maintaining the difference. Somebody who is truly empathic in that sense would not WANT to be mirrored and would realize if s/he was – because s/he would trust in, and be able to withold, emotional difference. This would require him or her to be in contact with the beast within (i.e. accept and own his/her own emotions rather then suppress them). S/he would probably not be a good target for a narcissist at all. In other words, such a person would possess enough emotianal self-knowledge to be aware of the individuality of her own emotional responses, rather than conflate them with somebody else‘s.
As I am – or used to be – the kind of person who is approached by strangers who tell their life story to me if I let them, I have come to understand that this is often a matter of poor boundaries. People who pour(ed) their hearts out to me probably realized instintively I cannot just walk away. I realize now that they fuel(ed) me by needing me – but I also understand now that I must also berate myself afterwards for not having spent my time the way I meant to spend it, by not having done the million things I meant to do and never do according to the inachievable standards I set myself (or that my construct demands of me).
During devaluation the narcissist mirrors also my deep-rooted conviction of never being good enough. The narcissist then becomes a screen onto which to project all my self-loathing, so I need not face my own creature within which says nastier things than any narcissist ever could. This explains of course why I can manage to stay in a narcissistic relationship for years on end.
True empaths must have healthy boundaries – only a person who does not can accept that what you offer me, an ideal or blackened view of myself, is actually not a true view of yours, but one I want (without being aware).
I will care about others who tell me their stories while gathering fuel, but only if I have healthy boundaries could I avoid self-devaluation (that I may not even be aware of). And only with healthy boundaries can I avoid that you ensnare me. Make sense? If so, I am not REALLY empathic in the above sense – empathy then is simply part of my construct. If I was really sufficiently empathic I would not need you to explain your perspective, and would not be prone to conflating yours with mine. True empathy, I think, requires a healthy balance of narcissistic and emotional traits.
I believe what many of us so called empaths (magnet or otherwise) do not realise is that we, too, walk over people’s boundaries (especially our children’s). It is only when we are able to respect our own boundaries, that we can both resist our own being violated by an intimate partner, as well as truly respect those of intimate others. But it is our ability to truly care that we can change.
My oldest daughter would say this is “repeatedly” me. She is always amazed at what complete strangers will share with me in a matter of minutes. Really, it’s just a warm smile and eye contact and they become open and safe. I love those moments and cherish them!
Same here Melissa. Eye contact and smile and suddenly I’m their best friend. Like you though, I enjoy it. It makes me feel good. Sort of like volunteering to provide a listening service. Ha!
Maybe MB, we get fuel as well from people opening up and trusting us so blindly, much like the Narcissists gets fuel from our unconditional need to nurture and love?
Melissa, I just enjoy helping where I can. I don’t think it’s the same as fuel. I can take it or leave it. I don’t seek it out by any means!
Melissa
I don’t get fuel from people opening up to me. It makes me uncomfortable when people off load their emotions on me. It’s like an extra burden – extra work. It pulls me down. I view it like a public service or a charity work, but it’s definitely not fuel for me – more the opposite.
MB! There you are…Cute pic; glitter and all!
Thank you! Hopefully the glitter helps offset my Grumpy Cat expression 🙂
MB and Windstorm I agree. I don’t get fuel per say. I simply love people and I truly love hearing their stories. My “fuel” is I walk away feeling honored when strangers see something in me they trust. Much like HG’s stories…I become intrigued when he speaks or writes about the struggles that conflict his mind. Also when he shares the tid bits about his parents and childhood.
Totally me. Thank you so much for the empath articles. We need empowerment and these really do it for me. I recently allowed myself to be reensnared. I escaped but have been disheartened as to my progress..
Undying hope is a weakness against them. Happy memories of the narcissist are dangerous. Erase every single picture. You will only attract someone worthwhile when you stop volunteering to be abused and heal yourself. If not then another narcissist will come along who can make you just as excited…so there’s always that. Lol. Smh…
The article made me feel empowered too. It was so beautifully written.
I found this a liability growing up. I would come up against others’ jealousy and nastiness for no obvious reason. I spent a good deal of time analysing the situation for a reason, and finding none, concluded as children, teenagers and young adults do, that I must be somehow causing it.
I dumbed myself down, and minimised myself in so many ways.
When I was a student in coronary care, I had a new wave of jealousy and nastiness to deal with from a particular group of older nurses. The accusation levelled at me was “the families of the patients all want to talk to you. They’re not even your patients. Stop talking to them.”
I couldn’t win.
I didn’t know why people gravitated towards me. I certainly wasn’t appreciated in my family. My words had seemingly no value in my family.
It wasn’t until I had three good mentors professionally that things changed, and I became comfortable being me. Those mentors were beautiful magnet empaths, on reflection. In cardiothoracic surgery, one beautiful mentor named Liz Nye told me in a staff appraisal that I was calm under pressure, and had a natural teaching gift. It was a pivotal moment for me professionally and personally.
When I mentor students now, she is my model in many ways.
One of ex-N’s statements about himself during live-in was “I mentor junior staff”. He appeared to have words of affirmation along with that, and that was very attractive. Until it stopped. I know what drives a mentor, what their internal emotional landscape is, and it can’t be faked. Good mentors enjoy encouraging others and it comes from a position of strength. There is no need nor desire to crush another, the very thought is repulsive to them. There was no substance to ex-N’s statements. He could fake it for a week, and that was it.
Sorry, just noticed autocorrect sabotaged me again.
In the last paragraph it should read “statements about himself during love-bombing…”
Caroline R
This post resonates with me. My first 3 decades were very similar. I learned to not use complex vocabulary or allow my intelligence to show. I also caught a lot of flak for interacting with others that were “none of my business.” I came to realize that this negativity from family was jealousy and envy.
It hurt me horribly when my Pretzel forbid me belonging to a church group that visited people in the hospital and nursing homes. His reasoning was I had no right to do charity work when I was such a terrible housekeeper. I came to see that this was spiteful envy that I had friends outside the home and was valued by other people.
He was so mean to belittle you. That was crushing. He couldn’t have been pleased that his well -loved wife was bringing so much to the lives of others? I bet he didn’t lift a finger to help you with the house either. What was Pretzel like as a dad when your babies were still in nappies? Did he bath or change or feed them? Did he read them stories? Did he ever cook for you?
Did he change immediately you were married, as some women experience with their N-husbands?
What have you the confidence to go and get your teaching qualifications?
Caroline R
No, he never cleaned on the house. He never read them stories or put them to bed. Never helped them dress. Never bathed a child and was proud to say that with the three babies he never changed a total of more diapers than he had fingers on one hand. Lol!
Once they were in high school (14+), he would cook meats (Im a vegetarian), but never washed a single pot or dish. He did always work, come home every single night and sign his checks over to me (he never paid any bills, either, ha, ha).
No, he never changed. He never pretended to be different than he really was. He was never romantic and I wasn’t looking for that. I wanted intelligent, university bound, good sense of humor, hard working and confident, who
wanted children and was willing to stay married. He was all of those things. I’d never seen a healthy, happy relationship and didn’t know to want any more than this.
I went back for the second degree because he wanted to quit his HR job and go to law school. I needed a way to earn enough to support us while he went back to school (Farming wouldn’t bring in enough). I’ve always had confidence in my academic abilities. That has always been my greatest area of excellence.
Caroline R and WS
Ditto. People got mad at me when others preferred to speak to me or when I used “Big” words.
Caroline R
I guess this just really touched a nerve with me! Did you often get accused of being selfish for interacting with others? I got that all the time from my family. My role was to take care of my narcissists and to spend time doing anything else was selfish. Listening to others, visiting others, helping others were all examples of what a selfish person I was. I think one of the last straws was being told that belonging to a church group was too selfish of me to be tolerated.
That’s interesting Windstorm. I’ve been thinking a lot about our conversations these last few days.
My uncle is in a care home now, and I like to chat a little to the staff there when I visit him. They always treat me with respect and are very welcoming towards me. He is acting increasingly jealous of my time and attention, and gets sarcastic and grumpy when my attention isn’t on him.
Being labelled selfish really put you in a no-win situation didn’t it? It invalidated everything about you. Just because you couldn’t mind read their timetable, and agenda…
They didn’t recognise your right to make your own agenda.
I just remembered a day that I was getting ready to go overseas some years back, and I wanted to be gone before my lesser grandpa-N arrived for an afternoon visit. I didn’t want to be alone in the house with him. He arrived early, and because he could see my car parked outside, he demanded to be let in, laying on as much guilt as was required. He used to grope me after my grandma died. Filth. My N-mum told me he did the same to her, but no-one confronted him about it.
He would have put on a “how can you be so mean to me” act anyway, and not apologised or changed.
Five minutes after I let him in, I was out the door and en route to the airport. He was furious that I’d let him in but hadn’t offered him hospitality. He was furious that he didn’t know where I was or why I’d gone. I just told him ” I have to go, bye, there’s food in the fridge”. I kept well out of arm’s reach of him.
I returned home two weeks later to be called selfish, unkind, unloving, etc… All inappropriate.
I see in hindsight that N-grandfather’s rage triggered N-Mum’s insecurities, so her knee-jerk response was to lash out at me.
What a massive burden to have the responsibility of bearing others’ feelings. It’s impossible.
I find that as I’m reminded of these events, the anger that I couldn’t express then, I am feeling now. I can think of the words I couldn’t express then. I often say those words out loud. I now have some N-grandfather Tourette’s to go with the N-Mother Tourette’s. My psychologist tells me it’s a good sign that I’m feeling angry.
Have you been able to feel anger about those frustrations and injustices that have been brought to your memory Windstorm?
Ha, ha, Caroline R! Am I able to feel anger about remembered injustices? My problem is how to move beyond the anger and not feel it any more! 😄
Caroline, I could relate so much to what you wrote. I also in many ways dumbed myself down to cater to those who were jealous. This is why it’s best to stay away from them.
Magnet empaths are amazing mentors. I believe that my dad was a magnet empath. I grew up with my Lesser matrinarc who was verbally and physically abusive to me. The thing that I hung on to were my dad’s love letters to me. His encouraging and loving words resonated and touched my heart. Even though I have never met him until I was 26, he had so much influence on me and gave me so much inner confidence despite my matrinarc’s effects on me. He sent me empathic poems like Abou Ben Adhem and encouraged me in everything. He was my safe space.
I’m happy that you found great mentors. It is so hard to grow up in a family that doesn’t bolster you up.
Thanks for replying mommypino,
I’m pleased that you were able to have your dad in your life. Has he passed away now? It must have been a heartache for him to not have you close by while you were growing up. He sounds like a sweetheart, and like you were very precious to him. I imagine that he balanced out your N-Mother’s harshness and her inability to understand you. How much do you think your Dad influenced your choice of a husband? I find dad/daughter/self-confidence/mate-choice, & aspects thereof fascinating.
Thank you Caroline. He passed away less a year after I lived with him. I was 3 when he last visited me. He was fired from his job in Hong Kong because my matrinarc called his boss and cussed at him. He had to move back to Cali with his family to find work. Since then he never got the chance to see me until his wife passed away after I graduated in college. Then he finally told his kids about me and started to process the papers to get me to live with him in the US.
He definitely influenced me with my choice of husband. My husband was actually his foot doctor. Although I have never met my husband at the time that he took care of my dad, I remember taking my dad to his office. I waited in the car because my dad said it wouldn’t take long. When my dad came back to the car his face was really happy. It made me happy because my dad had a really bad experience with his dentist who didn’t want to fix his teeth because he said that my dad was going to die pretty soon. So my dad has been critical of all of his doctors since then. I asked him if this doctor was nice to him and he nodded with a smile and said that he is a good man. My husband is a normal with a lot of narcissistic traits and empathic traits. I don’t think that he would be considered an empath because he’s not sensitive at all. His narcissistic traits are that he is competitive, confident, and he likes to joke about his imaginary crowd. If you are arguing with him about something he would say that his crowd doesn’t like what you’re saying. He’s really funny.
This sounds like me, and even my dad. People tend to really like me even if I don’t do anything for them or barely know them. When I was in the Phils. I just thought that it’s because I look different because I’m mixed race. But it’s still the same here in the US. My husband loves it even though he’s not a narc. I worked as a bank teller when I first got here, which is where I met my husband, and customers (including my husband) would actually wait for me to be done with my customer even though other tellers were available. My husband said my smile lights up the room. He has a lot of patients who ask him about me and tell him how much they like me when I was working at the bank. They remember me even though I have not seen them in so many years. They loved telling me about their life stories and problems too. Even now that I attend his church, I know that I have been smeared to then by my husband’s ex and they were giving me weird looks at first, now they tell him that they love me and they love the things that I say during Sunday school. That’s why I’m not too worried about being smeared.
Also one time I got separated from my husband on the plane so I had to sit with a stranger, she was so sweet to me and told me about her life and kids and her problems.
My dad was the same thing when I lived with him. He was so loved and respected here even though we live in a redneck Republican county and he was one of the few opinionated and staunch Democrats here. They didn’t vote for him when he ran for Supervisor but they always come up to me and tell me how he’s an amazing guy that they respect and love and that he is missed. They even set up a scholarship under his name. He also was invited to speak although that was mainly because he was a war hero during WW2 and he had so much presence when telling his war stories. He had two bronze stars and one purple heart.
Then my great great grandmother during the Gold Rush was also probably a magnet empath. We have a family story where a prostitute wrote her a letter saying that whenever she would walk pass the whore house while holding her Bible and was just so full of light and goodness, she thought that she wanted to be like her too. So she left the whore house and found herself a good job and she thanked my great great grandmother for inspiring her to change. My great great grandmother has never even spoken to that lady.
Thank you for writing that.
Just read this comment again mommypino. That’s so interesting that you have those details about your ancestors. It’s intriguing to think about the choices that they made, and their personality characteristics that have direct impact on the person you are today. They were people who lived by their convictions. They wanted to have authenticity while living in their culture, with it’s enlightenment and restrictions (esp. for women). They wanted to have a positive impact on their culture. I’d be proud to have them.
Thank you Caroline. I’m so proud of them. My great (3x) grandmother that I told the story about here actually led a wagon train to California too. They have her gown displayed at our local museum but they lost her whip. She lived in Missouri and became a widow and at that time the law states that her property should go to the government and her kids should be taken from her to be put for adoption. She convinced her neighbors to go to California because of the Gold Rush so they all planned and saved for it. She secretly sold her property to the bank for a much lesser amount before the government was able to sequester it and she used the money to fund their trip to Cali. She wasn’t supposed to lead the train, it was supposed to be a guy. But all of a sudden they changed their minds and wanted to go to Colorado instead. Her heart was already set to go to California as her brothers were already in Cali so she took off with a wagon with her mom and her kids early in the morning while everybody else were still sleeping. They heard her and so they all followed her with their wagons because they were worried about her. They told her that she can lead them to California and so she did.
I’m so proud of my dad too. He was really sweet. He had two bronze stars and one purple heart. When he was getting a frame for his plate number, he can get either a frame that says he has a purple heart or a frame that says he has a bronze star. He chose the purple heart frame. I asked him why not the bronze star, it is harder to get? He said that his favorite medal is the purple heart because he didn’t get it for killing anyone. My dad was obsessed with our genealogy. He loved his mom and grandmother. From the stories that I was told they were all empaths too.
Hi mommypino
I’ve so enjoyed reading what you’ve written here, it’s a little window into your world. The way you write gives me an instant screenplay of the events, I can hear the soundtrack with horses and wagon wheels. I can see the camera angles for some of your Dad’s career highlights. I can see your dad as a 1940s movie star actually.
The time you had with him was so precious!
I only know a little bit about the Cali’n gold rush, but it had a huge impact on migration. It was part 1 of a huge wave of free migration in the 1840s, and part 2 happened in the 1850s here in Australia. It created a lot of opportunities and was a catalyst for social change. Three lines of my family came to Australia in 1851. It’s such an interesting time in history, isn’t it. Your cultural heritage sounds very rich, by the way.
I’m so pleased to read about your gorgeous husband. What a delight. Love is such a gift in life, isn’t it?
I love a Director personality type (sounds like you do too. Him and his ‘crowd’. That’s so cute) Have you read Dr Helen Fisher’s research findings? I’m very strongly Negotiator type. In terms of Myers Briggs personality types he is an ENTJ to my INFJ, although I’m quite borderline INTJ, and am more INTJ at work.. I’m quite partial to an ENFJ too, they’re outgoing AND write you love notes.
Thank you Caroline!
Australia is such a beautiful country. It’s in our bucket list to visit. My little boy is obsessed with trains and he wants to ride the Ghan someday. My husband lived in New Zealand in the 70s when he was a Mormon missionary and he speaks so highly of that country. He loves the natural beauty of it and he is so fascinated with the Maori culture. Someday when our kids are bigger we will definitely visit both countries.
I was not aware of Dr. Helen Fisher but because you mentioned it, I took the test and my primary personality type is Negotiator as well and the secondary type os a Builder. I haven’t read what it means yet but I’m really excited.
Before I met the somatic handyman who tried to seduce me, I wasn’t even aware of what an empath is and when I hear the word narcissists I just think of Gaston. Now it makes sense when my husband used to wonder why I have a tendency to take other people’s words to heart way more than he does. He’s not sensitive like empaths but he loves doing good things for people. And he loves to be funny and act like a narcissist in a self deprecating funny way. Even his patients pick on him because he picks on them first. I am trully thankful to have found him. Now that I’m learning about myself and how my matrinarc has affected me, and that I may be attracted to narcissists, I am so thankful that I just found the guy who has enough narcissistic traits to get me excited and hooked on him but also loving traits to nurture me as a person. He is a really loving dad and husband.
I’m not familiar with the Myers Brigga personality test either. Thank you for telling me about it. What does ENTJ and INFJ mean?
I just took a Myers Briggs test and it says that I’m a Campaigner -> ENFP-A. I haven’t read yet what it means.
I have read the Dr. Helen Fisher test results and I agree with the description. I think my husband woukd be, like you said, a Director and then a Builder as well.
By the way, do you mind if I ask, where did your family migrated from? I have always been curious about Australia’s history but haven’t gotten the chance to read about it. I would love to learn. I’ll put that in my bucket list as well.
Hi mommypino,
I’m glad you found the personality research interesting. I think human behaviour and group/couple/family dynamics are endlessly fascinating. Helen Fisher recently studied how our brains behave when we’re in love. There’s a short TED talk about it. It’s made me think about N-brains and devaluation.
I have lots of work friends who have were born in the Philippines, quite a few in Hong Kong, and one in Wisconsin. I’m learning about Chinese and Korean culture. I’ve been to visit friends in Singapore and Malaysia,(Kuala Lumpur specifically). I loved the recent DNA findings that we all have common ancestors who left Africa about 40,000 years ago.
One of my ancestors was Sir Edwin Sandys who was a director of the Virginia Company, & helped arrange the Mayflower’s trip from England. I only recently learned about him. His grandson was in the army sent to Ireland; he distinguished himself for bravery and was given land in Ireland. So that branch of my family came to Australia from Dublin. Another branch is from Scotland, and another from England. l suppose the were people of courage who wanted an adventure, & new opportunities.
My N-Mum has German heritage as well (from what I can tell they were all Ns); it was her 11 or 12x great grandpa that was Edwin Sandys. Edwin’s dad was Anglican Bishop of London at one point, and was kept prisoner in the Tower of London during the reign of Mary Tudor. I can only imagine the stress and prayers that were a large part of his and his wife’s daily life: he could have been burned to death at any day for his faith. As soon as Elizabeth 1st became Queen, she let him and others out of prison. Both Edwins wrote, the younger published a book, and I’d like to read what I can find of theirs. Edwin the younger is descended from Plantagenets, and was knighted by King James 1st of England. I read that he liked religious tolerance, and thought free immigration had great economic and social benefits.
Wow Caroline, I’m so impressed by your ancestor’s stories! I would be totally proud of them if they were my ancestors! What a colorful life they had. And bravery and faith seems to run in your genes. I can only imagine how Edwin’s father’s imprisonment must have affected his character tremendously and shaped him as this solid man of integrity.
We have a few things in common. My dad’s ancestors from his mother’s side were Scotts-Irish but really originally from Scotland from the Gordon clan. And my dad’s grandfather from his dad was a German immigrant. So it looks like we have some similarities in the origins of some of our ancestors.
Again, I’m so amazed that your ancestor was the director of the Virginia Company. That is really impressive. He was hugely responsible for a very important part of the American history. I have read the book Mayflower by Nathaniel Philbrick and it’s one of my favorite books because it is so beautifully written. It gave me such vivid pictures of their journey and adventure.
I had to submit my response before I was done. I had to put my baby girl back to sleep.
I just want to thank you for sharing the beautiful stories of your ancestors. I wish that I could read a book about them. I hope that you will write one someday if there isn’t one yet. We just had Thanksgiving here and I feel so priviledged to have had a chat with a decendant of someone who was instrumental to the history of the pilgrims by helping arrange the Mayflower’s trip. It’s fascinating that these amazing good people in history is part of who you are as a person and that you also turned out to be a very empathic and amazingly intelligent like your ancestors.