The Ten Types of Victim The Narcissist Hoovers
I make repeated mention of how we always come back for more. This of course is the brilliance of the hoover. Some people struggle to comprehend that we will always keep returning for more fuel, if the opportunity arises. Why would we not? We love fuel. We love your fuel (after all that was why you were chosen as the primary source) and even better we love the hoover fuel which you provide. The hoover serves many functions. First and foremost, it provides us with fuel. It is also a means of exerting control, seeing how the land lies for potential further machinations, a means of preventing you moving forward, a means of hindering your understanding, a method of reinforcing our superiority, dominance and omnipotence. It serves these functions and many more. Hoovers take place throughout the dance with our kind, but most possibly associate them with the aftermath, the period following escape or more likely discard. When we look at the hoover in such a scenario, when we come back for more, we do so for one of the following three reasons: –
- To draw you back into the relationship again so that the whole narcissistic cycle can begin once more;
- To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;
- To draw some positive fuel (it may be a drop or it may be lashings of it) but we do not want the formal relationship to start again or indeed ever, but we know you provide delicious hoover fuel so we will keep coming back for more. We do not do enough to recommence the formal relationship but we certainly extract some fuel from you. It might be a text, it may be a telephone call or personal visit, but it is passing. It may only take a moment or an afternoon, but it is temporary and then having extracted the fuel we will withdraw again (only to appear at some later stage). The formal relationship does not begin again.
It is this third manoeuvre (which is a benign follow-up hoover) which often confuses people. You can understand hoovering to start the relationship again. You can understand lashing out at you and being nasty because hey, after all we are Grade A Bastards aren’t we? However, why make the effort to gain some fuel and then withdraw again? It may be because we have a reliable primary source in place but cannot resist a slurp of the hoover fuel. It may happen because circumstance makes it too good to resist. There are several factors but one of the chief factors is the role which you are allocated post escape/discard. The application of the benign follow-up hoover which does not seek the restoration of the formal relationship relies on you conforming to a particular role and the fuel which flows from it. There are many different roles which can be assigned to you at this point, but here are ten of them.
- The Wish You Well
Whenever we hoover you, you ask with your well-known decency how we are faring, you ask about our progress workwise, our health and about all other matters. You do so with that goodness of heart and nature for which you as an empathic person is famed and whilst there is no torrent of raging emotion, your kindness and compassion still fuel us. You may well have largely moved on from us, but you are unable to sever all ties. You know not to go back but you cannot help but always want to hear that we are doing good and that you can accordingly wish us well.
- The Optimist
This contact gives you hope that there might be a return to the golden period. You do not push it, since you know how this can cause us to react, but you are receptive to our advance, pleased, no delighted to hear from us and you engage with enthusiasm, trying to keep your pulsating heart under control. You see each time we “drop by” as the possibility that this time we sweep you in our arms and take you back once more. Each time you are disappointed but this does not dim your hope and optimism, perhaps next time will be the time?
- The Guilty
You feel bad that the relationship did not work out and you blame yourself as much (if not more) than us for its demise. Your status as a love devotee means that you still believe that love will conquer all and you spend your time apologising for what you did that was wrong and that which you did not do right. Of course we do nothing to cause you to think any different, enjoying your self-flagellation which always rises to the surface whenever we get in touch.
- The Navel Gazer
You are obsessed with understanding who you are and regard our interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to you again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.
- The Healer
You will not let go of the notion that we can be fixed and any interaction between us results in you resuming the mantle of being that healer, putting our interests ahead of your own with the inevitable fuel which arises from your compassionate and kind-hearted behaviour.
- The Nymph
You hate us for what we did but the sex was oh so good and you cannot resist the lure of a late night text for some sexual interaction in the hope that it might lead to a tussle between the sheets again. You maintain that all you want is sexual gratification and adopting this stance is a form of payback for us, but your engaging with us through sexting and flirtation provides us with the hoover fuel that we want.
- The Tourniquet
You are not a tourniquet but you need one. You cannot work out what has happened and every engagement is a fuel-filled questioning session as to why did we do what we did, why did we hurt you, why did we say those things, why did we mess around and such like. The pain remains raw and the fuel that flows from it is too good to resist.
- The Old Reliable
You know you should ignore us but you cannot. Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly. Of course we know this and we regard you as a reliable source of hoover fuel. All we need to do is send a message and you will respond in some form or another, you cannot help yourself.
- The Contender
You want back in and you are going to prove to us how damn fine you are and what an a-hole we are for letting you go in the first place. You will tell us just how good you will be for us, what you will do and how we will never get anybody better than you as you do your utmost to convince us that you should come back into our arms. Even if we rebuff you, you will not give up because your desire to be our intimate partner is huge and so with it is the fuel that you provide.
- The Burning Oil Well
Your flow of fuel just cannot be shut off. Red Adair would never be able to snuff out the flames and cap the oil well. You are angry, seething, furious at the way you have been treated and you hate us. You absolutely hate us. Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labelling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.
Do you recognise yourself in there at all?
19 thoughts on “The Ten Types of Victim The Narcissist Hoovers”
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You suggest that negative fuel is more valuable than positive fuel is it not? The negative fuel is the reward during devaluation that has been invested upon in the idealisation phase..
Is negative fuel only rich when the narcissist achieves a position of superiority after the conflict? I don’t understand why else a narcissist would chose an empath. Otherwise a Narcissist would choose another Narcissist.
Empaths provide more fuel and are easier to ensnare and keep ensnared. Remember, fuel consists of potency, amount and frequency.
Hi Tom
To my understanding, a short summary is: It’s the contrast they need/desire after the positive goes stale. Negative fuel is more edifying because it is harder to coax from someone and that plays to their superiority. If you read his book Fuel it will become clear.
Delicious hmmmmm your soooo goood thanku master!!! Xxxooohugs and kisses to myself… Lol. Loving u is loving myself…i will never leave u ..you will never leave me…fme…find myself inside myself…thanku your very wel lcum inside me always .exciting pleasurable im addicted your my high ..your like the blood to my veins i need you to survive ..the breath in my body. The thoughts in my mind…my supply of fuel is everlasting…until eternity it is so true truth cannot lie….😊😋😇👺👀🌟🌝🌚🎶🎼🎹🎤🎯🍦🍉🎢🎰🏪🚢🚅🚂✈🚁⏫🆙🔝🔛💲💲❗🔛🔝💯✔➕🔛🎁🎊🗼📢🌍🌎🌏🍀
It’s like you have a magnifying glass into my head. Seriously, two months NC and then it happened last night. I caught myself at the sentence “your a dick.” as a response. And then it started up. My God, I see the problem, I know the problem but like a addict I cannot stop from responding. It’s like knowing the stove is hot but you touch it anyways knowing the outcome.
HG, I am confused…After finally blocking him everywhere (but SMS, I forgot to do so since it was never a channel used due to roaming) he find out I was in town (another country) and made sure we meet through my ex colleagues. I was only polite and left quickly. Then he started sending me sms, how much he misses me, how he wants me to let him ”repay me” etc. but when I ignored 3-4 benign hoover sms (with pity plays), he just stopped messaging me. I was expecting a malign hoover sms, blaming me for my cold behavior or sth like that…what he always did in the past. (as a reminder, he was blocked on all other platforms but work until recently). I know that it doesn’t matter any more, but the absence of a malign hoover that I very much expected after ignoring his messages is surprising, especially since he knew it was probably the last occasion to see me. How should I interpret that? It means he wasn’t wounded?(sent this last ignored sms how he feels sad) You said he was a Lesser/Midle Mid-range.
Wounded but has sought fuel elsewhere. No further hoovers (for now) as either no hoover trigger or there has been a hoover trigger but the hoover execution criteria have not been met.
Thanks! Makes sense,though I still have troubles in understanding how you switch from benign to malign hoovers with the exact same execution criteria made or not. To be more accurate, how you decide whether one or the other will be applied. I really expected him to give me some very nasty final words,but instead he opted to finish with ‘me being a wonderful person,in every sense’ bla bla. I was thinking if there was any calculation in the way he has chosen for his probably last interaction with me,like knowing he has better options in the future, if I ever change my mind, to finish without any blame shifting or accusation. But of course, I know you will say that the outcome with a narc is never predictable and strongly depends from his fuel matrix at the.moment. Maybe he just didn’t need to waste any more energy on a malign one,having been fueled elsewhere and left it there.
Number 1….. more enlightened now though. I try to refrain from my former ways.
NONE. NONE of the above. If my sociopath gets anywhere near me I will call the police. He has been nonviolent and nonthreatening but is so bizarre and has demonstrated such immoral and pathological behavior I would never acknowledge his existence (other than calling the police) much less give him any fuel, negative or positive. He is nothing. Except a criminal waiting to be arrested. I document every interaction with the detective assigned to my case. If anything happens to me there is a trail of evidence leading to his door.
Yes
HG…… I really hate when you’re right. There is but one path. Total and I mean lock all doors, No Contact. Anything less and just as light creeps through the smallest crack, they will return.
1-8 damn you HG being spot on..lol
I received a hoover today. Not from Narc Friend or Narc Ex, but from another fellow I’ll call The Artist. He hoovers me quite regularly, always with a YouTube link to a song. Turns out that he broke up with his IPPS and is certainly prowling for fuel. I have only ever been a secondary source for him and have no desire to become primary, though I do find my interactions with him educational because I am no longer emotionally involved with him. Years ago he hotly pursued me for his IPPS and I was not interested then either. Later, when I showed interest in him, he told me all about how I had pursued him in the past when he clearly wasn’t interested in a relationship — he completely reversed our roles! The projection gave away what he was, along with some early devaluations. Watching him hoover me now just amuses me because it is so incredibly transparent what he is. I know exactly which residual benefits interest him as well because he was never shy about asking about them. I know what he has done to mirror other women in the past, like covering up some of his political and religious opinions for the length of entire, years-long relationships. He also gave me a months-long silent treatment at one point. I’d be better off as a spinster with ten cats than with him, and I know it well. Nonetheless, there is something affirming about watching him do his narcissist thing — I am honing my ability to see red flags and it reinforces how enduring these patterns are.
Ugh…this article. I’m quite a few of these but mostly the nymph. They totally know I want to have sex with them. It’s unfair.
#2 with a huge side dish of #6.
FOTS, I thought of you as I was reading this.
SMH,
I figured!