Poll : What Has Prevented You From Establishing a Robust No Contact Regime?
In this poll I would like to know what is it that has stopped you from implementing no contact? Once you realised what you were dealing with and you learned that the most appropriate method of proceeding was to go no contact, what stopped you?
You may well have implemented no contact straight away once you knew it needed to be done. If so, bravo! For most people however there was either a hesitancy for some reason before it was implemented or it has not yet happened for some reason. It is those reasons I am interested in learning about.
It is about your situation and your mind set. Were you concerned that you would have no money or no income and therefore this stopped you? Perhaps you were worried it would impact on your employment? Maybe your health or the narcissist’s health stopped you? Perhaps you just felt guilty doing it and this emotional thinking held you back or you kept convincing yourself there was the potential for improvement or change, the strangling effect of hope.
Even if that hesitancy or delay was just for a minute and then you applied no contact or whether it has repeatedly stopped you doing it, do share your situation in the poll below.
Thank you for participating.
Loading ...96 thoughts on “Poll : What Has Prevented You From Establishing a Robust No Contact Regime?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
I’m not sure if Stockholm has been addressed. It’s a real trauma bond and that also makes it horribly hard to just cold turkey NC. If you are trying to override neuropathways formed from the hurt/help cycle it’s difficult. Like coming off cocaine.
Indeed. Understanding that syndrome helped explain why I felt so attached to someone clearly was a menace to society.
This is a weird one for me.
None of your options really fit 100%.
What stopped me going NC for so long is because I found here! I began to see him, I knew what he was, I became angry and I knew I was playing with fire. I stayed to witness the craziness – I guess to reinforce to myself I had given all I had, and I couldn’t fix him. I had to make certain he wasn’t suffering from bipolar which he told me he was.
I stayed and took some joy in playing with him towards the end for eg, saying No, showing a lack of interest when I knew he was manipulating me, I totally fucked him off deliberately and enjoyed every moment of it. Then when I was ready emotionally, I cut things dead.
I felt better, I felt like I salvaged a little from so many years I lost. I also felt sorry for him and I still do. Ultimately that’s my downfall I think.
You know, the more I think about this, the more I think a simple desire for return on investment is a big factor. I have a hard time cutting my losses. Spending time with a narc and trying to have a relationship with them is a lot like buying something very expensive and then never receiving it. Most people in that situation would be angry and determined to get what they paid for. The way the narcissist leaves — without closure, abruptly — really leaves us with no return on what we have done. We feel we deserve a return. It’s like that feeling of putting money into a vending machine for a snack and then nothing comes out, and you want to body slam the vending machine to get your snack because **you paid for it.** When the narc hoovers us, it feels like our chance at justice, at getting what we invested in for so much time. It’s like the chance to win back money we lost in a bad bet and make everything right with the world. I spent a year talking to Narc Friend and conscientiously returning his texts and thinking of things to ask him and being thoughtful and generally very attentive to him, but it all dissipated into nothing once I confronted him. A hoover feels like an opportunity to get what I invested in.
Michelle
Your comment reminded me of scientific studies done with animals on reinforcement. If an animal does a behavior and is always reinforced by a reward, they will usually keep doing the behavior. If they stop getting any rewards they will soon stop doing the behavior. But if an animal is intermittently rewarded and sometimes not rewarded, then they will keep doing the behaviors in the hope that this time they will get the reward. Sound familiar? Straight out of the narcissist playbook. Works with slot machines, too.
Michelle,
I agree with what you say here entirely. I knew the relationship cycle pattern far before I learned of NPD from HG. I learned about NPD in school (I am a physician), but not like I understand it now.
I would get fed up and go NC, or my lame version of it back then. I would be so irate that I invested time, emotion, secrecy, my body, etc into this person only to be shit on. When he hoovered I would see it as an opportunity to collect (cause I knew it would be good for a while, ah, the golden period), but I was also filled with a sadness and anxiety. I see now that it was because I knew, deep down, I couldn’t make it last no matter how much I tried. And damn, I really tried.
As Mercy says below quoting HG, “In the end it has to hurt.” Its a good line to remember and keep with you.
Today is day 30 of NC and it just crossed my mind last night that I really don’t even think about the MMRN. I’ve had a slew of weird calls to my home phone where when you answer, there’s just silence…my husband and I have both commented on this. Started around the time NC began. No idea if its him or not, I’ve had no attempts from him to contact me, despite me texting him right before and tipping him off. This both offends me and relieves me haha.
I’ve pretty much read this entire blog and all old comments from the very beginning, so I’m trying to mostly stay away so I don’t think of him as much right now. I’m doing well, but don’t want to chance being triggered and unblocking him or something stupid. I figure after six months or so I’ll be safer (though never immune).
For me it was guilt, but also pride. I made many promises to him that I had intended to keep for ever and ever in that twisted fairy-tale romance I had constructed for myself. I put off going no contact for a long time (a couple of years, to be honest) because I felt guilty just thinking about going back on those promises… and I was too proud to accept that they may have been empty.
I have been NC for almost a year now. I still occasionally allow mysef to think of the narc, albeit only dispassionately. I still allow myself to visit here from time to time. But this is where it stops, really.
There is a single item left for me to get rid of – which will be tough because it’s something I really cherish – by no means for the fact that it came from him but because I value such things and they are generally too expensive/impractical for me to purchase. There is the option of donating it to a museum and I’m seriously considering it. Maybe if in a year’s time I still feel ambivalent about it, I’ll get rid of it.
keep that expensive gift. Forget he gave it to you. Enjoy it 😀
HG,
I really identify with Morning Sun’s comment:
“There is a single item left for me to get rid of – which will be tough because it’s something I really cherish – by no means for the fact that it came from him but because I value such things and they are generally too expensive/impractical for me to purchase.”
I have a similar ‘item’ which ties me to both my narcs, but it has additional value to me – at least maybe in the future. I know you warn against hanging on to reminders of the narc (everpresence) – but do you feel that some victims have varying abilities in their susceptibility to the effects of everpresence?
I mean, realistically, some of us have *forever* reminders of our entanglements anyway…
Yes, some people may be more robust but invariably at the point of escape and disengagement your emotional thinking will con you into thinking you can ‘handle’ certain elements of ever presence when in actual fact it will only delay their progress and keep their emotional thinking at a higher level than it should be. ET is a con artist and will do anything to cause you to maintain a form of engagement with the narcissist, therefore the purge must be ruthless and deep.
Thank-you for your answer.
I’ve said ‘goodbye’ to an storage unit full of reminders with hardly a look backwards. But with this particular item, I purposely have avoided it and not laid eyes on it for 18 months plus because of the residual memories associated with it in hopes that they will fade with time.
WhoCares
When I left my Pretzel I walked away from a fully furnished house full of 30 years of mementos. Never regretted it. All those things would have just reminded me of bad times. I wanted to start over again and leave the past in the past.
Windstorm,
“I walked away from from a fully furnished house full of 30 years of mementos. Never regretted it.”
I believe you Windstorm, and fully understand. To some it may seem difficult, but once you reach a certain decision it is so easy to let go…I had been maintaining a storage unit – or *trying* to – even though I didn’t really have the funds to or the resources to retrieve the contents – nevermind a place to put the contents if I could get them. Some belongings in it were replaceable, some irreplaceable, but the single thing that kept me holding on to it was a family album from my mother’s side of the family located somewhere inside.
However, on the day after I consulted with HG – and had it confirmed that my mother is a narc – I emailed the storage company and told them to go ahead with an auction of the contents. Easy peasy lemon squeasy.
I have pictures of my dad and of pertinent individuals that I want to keep images of.
Sending that email to the storage company was one of the most freeing things that I’ve ever done…
WhoCares
I didn’t keep any pictures either. When I sold all my mother’s things and house at auction, I kept nothing. People didn’t understand. They’d say, “Don’t you want to keep things to remember your parents and your childhood?” They couldn’t understand that anything I kept would bring back bad memories, because all my memories from childhood were bad or connected to bad.
The last thing I have ever wanted was to go back to any part of my past. Even the pleasant memories are so interwoven with unpleasantness that thinking of them brings up sadness.
Windstorm,
“People didn’t understand. They’d say, ‘Don’t you want to keep things to remember your parents and your childhood?’…all my memories from childhood were bad or connected to bad.”
I would probably have been such a person who would ask a similar question of you…PRE-entanglement and before it was evident to me that my mother is a narcissist too…when I started to think back and realized why the painful parts of my childhood were painful and that they didn’t have to be…and that my whole childhood was…a deception. It flipped everything that I thought was true about my early family life on its head. So now I get it – I also don’t want the reminders of the giant lie that it was…
I just did a double take…is that you in your profile pic HG?? 🤣 Are you throwing us a teaser lol i dont think ive ever seen you post part of yourself before. Now if you add a few more pieces we can put it together like a puzzle lol
It is.
If the item didn’t elicit any emotional response in me, the only logical thing would be to keep it for its intrinsic value. Since the item still elicits an emotional response in me – although it’s not in any way directed at him, but rather at myself (self-loathing, shame, loss etc.) – the most logical thing might be to get rid of it.
However, the very fact that there is an emotional reponse indicates that there are still unresolved issues that have been dregged up from the depth of my psyche through the encounter with the narc. This is good, as it is more useful to deal with this kind of crap than to repress it (make myself forget about it and move on as if nothing had happened). As such, it’s a useful indicator of my state of mind.
On the other hand, moving beyond the issue of it being a gift from the narc entirely, I appreciate the item’s value as such, but it doesn’t hold any particular meaning for me other than “it’s rare and valuable”. It’s not something that I would even think of to save in a fire. The only logical thing thus would be to give it away.
Thank you, HG and WhoCares, for helping me resolve this.
You are welcome MS.
Classy looking hands there HG 😄
Thank you and you are correct.
And I thought you were kind of giving us the middle finger there. LOL
But I like your shirt.
Thank you.
I would never be so rude.
I know. I was joking.
Hi Who Cares! Maybe this particular gift that you truly treasure can signify your learning from this relationship and surviving it. Turn it into a positive. Like you said, there will always be reminders. If this particular gift is something you really value above and beyond the fact it was from the Narc you shouldn’t have to separate from it. The thoughts you attach to it are what’s important.
Thank-you Clarece.
I would certainly agree that that is a good suggestion for an object. However, it wasn’t a gift from him and it is not an object. It is my cabin.
It holds a lot of memories – good and bad…you could say it is where the worst of the devaluation occurred…and I’m not attached to the structure itself (in fact this summer we had forest fires not too far from here..and I know how horrendous this sounds but I almost wished that the fires would have come our way…it would have solved the issue for me)….but the piece of land that it’s on is close to my heart.
The cabin itself is not currently accessible and I (purposely) have not been back there in over 18 months.
I’m sorry I misunderstood WhoCares. Yes, definitely a different type of asset to contend with. Difficult to not go and enjoy it. But also difficult to decide if it’s time to sell and start with a new cabin or eventually change this one to make new memories with. Sorry again.
Clarice,
Absolutely no reason to apologize – I was certainly vague about the ‘item’ I was referring to, so it’s easy to assume I meant an object.
And I appreciate your input.
I was purposely vague because I don’t really like talking about it but it’s a legitimate issue for me.
And I used to think that – like my storage unit – I could just say ‘goodbye’ to it as well and only keep the *good* memories in my head…like the night my son fell asleep clutching a mason jar with two fireflies in it, and as he drifted off to sleep, he drowsily said “Thank-you, Momma…for showing me how to catch fireflies.” You can’t buy memories like that.
But then this summer a friend brought my son a camp cookie from Tim Horton’s, and in giving it to him, she explained it was a special cookie because the proceeds go to sending kids to camp who wouldn’t otherwise be able to. He turned to me, as he was biting in the cookie, and he said “Maybe *I* can go to camp…I’ve NEVER camped…”
I was floored, and so sad, because I realized that he was young enough that he no longer remembers “camping” …when in reality he has camped much more than many children his age. In a way, I guess it’s good because he doesn’t remember the negative stuff…but he also doesn’t remember the good stuff…silver lining: it is evident that it did encourage a general love of the outdoors and love of nature in him…
*Clarece (sorry for the typo)
WhoCares
I was unable to separate the memories from any of the properties I owned. I just had to sell out and live in another county. I will say that letting them go was extremely therapeutic and severed me from all those painful memories. It is still uncomfortable to have to drive past places when I visit relatives, but it is so wonderful to drive away back to my home!
HG, your hands look a little pale. I hope you’re not anemic😝
No.
Jenna, HG anemic? Never. Not the way he eats that sanguine steak!
MB,
I guess I kind of knew that, but I could not resist bugging him. I have a feeling it was not humorous for him though. Rather, he may have been irritated!
HG, your gravatar is so dark with dull colors. It needs stickers and vibrant colors! Lemme download it and spruce it up!
No thank you
Jenna, black suits him. We know he’s fair skinned, being a natural blonde and all. I don’t think he’s quite the stickers and glitter type. (Even though glitter IS life.)
MB,
I know black does suit him- fair skinned and all, and of course EVIL and all… 😈
Hey MB,
I saw your pic before you took it down. You are very cute and I enjoy your presence here! I missed K’s pic. I read that she had put it up briefly as well. Too bad as it’s always nice putting a face to the name. Btw, are you the same MB who gave me some lovely advice when i was entangled- your gravatar was a yellow design?
Awwww. Thank you Jenna! Yes, K had her pic up for a super short time. We had a lot of fun on picture day. My gravatar was yellow before.
Hi MB! Your picture reminded me of cute Ally Sheedy from St. Elmo’s Fire. I can’t believe I missed K! Aarrrgghhh. She must have just had her pic up for a nanosecond. Lol
My daughter is actually next to me in this pic at one of her dance recitals in the summer but I cropped her out for obvious reasons.
Thank you Clarece! I take being called cute as a compliment. Ks pic was up for a nanosecond, but NA had her beat. It was a treat to see them both. It was all fun and games until HG insulted me by calling me an “adult”! Ha ha
Oh c’mon be a sport HG! You would not want to be called a spoil sport now would you?!!😜
I have been able to leave midtrangers and lowers. No problem. My hoover bar is HIGH. The greater is new to me and I have had a lot of trouble. I feel they are way more insistent. This is hard because I don;t wasnt to unbalance them. I want to be painted white and just be left on a wall somewhere. I feel when they are unblanced they can do more horrible things. I received a lot of attacks online. I think it was him behind this. I just want to be white and be lkept on a shelf somewhere…. That is mainly why I am still in contact :'(
does that happen to anyone else? :'(
Why on earth do you want to participate with these types intentionly? I cannot fathom wanting to be on a shelf for any man. I would rather be alone than be disrespected in that way.
I mean I want them to think I am on the shelf so they leave me alone. Like they are busy with their life, and I am on their shelf doing my own thing (this can be with a partner or alone. ) I feel that if the narc feels he is loosing you they can get very aggresive and unblanced. So I would like them to think I am just on their shelf. I think others call this being a gray rock. The narc does not care about me. I am just on his shelf left alone. I would not be participating. I am on a shelf.
Amanda Snapchat, I think that’s a very normal response. Painted white and left alone, I get it. I put a lot of years and a lot of love into the relationship. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to separate on good terms. HG’s words haunt me “In the end it has to hurt”. He’s right, they will have it no other way.
that’s true. its the normal cycle of their relationships. U don’t think it’s possible to just be left on the shelf painted white, and ignored by them?
In my case no. I am IPSS but we talk every day and see each other 2 or 3 days a week. If I’m on the shelf for more than a day then it’s because of a fight and I’m painted black. I went NC for a few months but he hoovered me back. I’m trying gray rock now but I’m not very good at it. My hope is that he will put his focus on other sources and leave me alone.
Hey Amanda,
Sorry, no I did not realize what you meant about “painted white and on a shelf”…I thought you were referring to yourself being available to him whenever he got the urge to access your “shelf”-like you would await his reappearance and be on stand by. You meant instead to just keep gray rock and be apart with amicable terms, and deny interaction if he hoovers.
I would avoid any interaction in any form, NO narc contact versus gray rock contact. Unless that is impossible for you because of your circumstances. I got lucky, the psycho I dated moved to another town 2 hours away. He has came here and hovered me a few times but the distance helps keep him at bay. I do not think remaining in contact so he could “perceive” you on a shelf is a good idea though.
If you go no contact and he doesn’t leave you alone, then call the police. I document every maneuver the psycho I dated makes in regards to me. I write it down in specific detail and forward it to my detective. Psycho knows I am in contact with law enforcement and I think this causes some hesitation on his part regarding further hoovers. I remain viligant however and probably always will because I wounded him by multiple exposures in the end. He got divorced and lost his job because of me and his male lover. But he remains unperturbed and immune to consequences of his repulsive behavior. So who knows if I am painted black or white-I do not care. What I do know is he disordered and should be avoided at all costs! If you can do the same. Grand Master Tudor commands it.
NO CONTACT!
damn. this is great advice. Thank you. This is what i need to do.
“…I would avoid any interaction in any form, NO narc contact versus gray rock contact….”
So fucking right. thanks
I said “children” and “lack of knowledge.” My youngest child was finishing college when my friend helped me see what I was dealing with. I had not understood.
I waited a few months until I had no college bills, and good legal advice in hand, before filing for divorce.
I found your site soon after I filed. I utilize your advice every time I must interact with the Greater Narc. (I must interact in order to complete legal proceedings.) I will keep listening to your advice about the hoovers that are no doubt to come. Thank you. I will succeed.
I also now understand why I found myself in this situation. I was raised by a mid-ranger. I laugh every time I read your references to your Matrinarc. I have “borrowed” the nickname for my private use.
I wish you the happiness and peace that I have found with your help.
Thank you and well done.
scary hand. I feel the evil and coldness. Anyone else? thanks for sharing a glimpse
F.M.,
“I said ‘children’ and ‘lack of knowledge.’ ”
I said “children” as well – but could have added “lack of knowledge.”
“I utilize your advice every time I must interact with the Greater Narc. (I must interact in order to complete legal proceedings.)”
HG’s advice on dealing with narcissists in legal proceedings is invaluable. And I applied the same (once educated) during my own court battle. I just completed my legal proceedings with my narc and achieved more protection for my son than I initially thought possible within the limits of the family law system here.
F.M. – I wish you well with your divorce proceedings. From your tone, you sound determined – that combined with HG’s advice – will set you on the path towards success.
My emotional thinking which makes me believe I am ok with him.
Fear of the unknown.
Finding a place at a decent price has been a challenge.
I have been waiting for him to go for holidays on the other side of the planet without me so I can move out. He is leaving this weekend.
Big drama time approaches and I am not looking forward to it.
you can do it. Imagine there will be no drama. picture your success and be indifferent to him. best of lcuk!
Married, I will be thinking of you and praying you find the strength to see your plan through.
I can never tell on this site what he did to me or what happened …..I have never read anything similar ….and I feel like a total fool for going back to him when I had other choices . I only sensed it would be best since I know what he is now and I know how to Manipulate HIM now ,to get what my children need to have productive and independent lives away from him so they can love others and choose good people to love and support them …then my job will be done …for them .
Mollyb5
You may not have read anything similar here but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened to others, so carry no shame. If you can think of it, it has been carried out by some of them and experienced by some of us. We may not always share specifics but you can be assured you have the company and unspoken understanding of others all the same.
I respected him for that. We got back together after he knew I had a new boyfriend. He didn’t have anyone then …so he was jealous and I felt sorry for him, and went back to him.
I did escape after 11 year marriage …I divorced him and have custodial custody of our two children . I couldn’t hide my children anymore , I couldn’t put them in the car and drive to have some fun or go have a treat . They were getting wiser and sensing their dad was weird and hard to deal with , and unpredictable , and always complaining about petty things. That’s what they saw . We still had a sex life together and enjoyed working on projects together but he was terribly jealous of our children’s love and laughter with me. My time as a stay at home parent he gave to me …and
mollyb5,
Glad you escaped and have custody of your children.
“I couldn’t hide my children anymore , I couldn’t put them in the car and drive to have some fun or go have a treat.”
I so identify with this statement – we do try to protect them regardless even if we can’t get out of an abusive situation right away…I tried so hard, in my own situation, to normalize things for my son (despite the abnormal, conflictual setting), to create good memories and to distract & protect him – until I couldn’t anymore.
“We still had a sex life together and enjoyed working on projects together…”
Same here.
“I can never tell on this site what he did to me or what happened…I have never read anything similar…and I feel like a total fool for going back to him…”
I actually feel very similar, mollyb5. I don’t go into some specifics with my entanglement because I have never read similar experiences here. I sometimes feel like I could never explain how things got to the point that they did in my entanglement – because the specifics would identify me too clearly – and because I feel so much blame for part of it…but for me I’ve done the best I can do in remedying things so that my son is no longer exposed to conflict and has a stable, loving environment around him.
“…they can love others and choose good people to love and support them …then my job will be done …for them”
Glad your children have good people to love and support them…and a mom who who takes their continued well-being to heart.
None of the choices apply to me but id say fear of emotional pain is whats kept me from no contact. My situation is different and maybe not as severe as others. Fear of abandonment and not having him there has been whats kept me involved to the degree that i am. I ask myself what life would look like apart from him or even to a lesser degree and fear crops up. Im afraid of facing the unknown creature that lurks that was there before i met him. The unresolved issues that have been kept at bay as a result of him in my life. Much like a narcissist using fuel to keep the facade going and avoid reality hes been my sheild from certain unwanted truths. Fear of heartbreak bc ive grown very attached emotionally to him despite it being wrong and taking away from other areas of my life. The narc abuse hasnt been the worry and isnt motivating enough to go no contact its the fear that stops me. The many fears.
Get a therapist and look within to discover your own strength and self worth. Whoever you were before this relationship is still there, go find her. You will only lose in the end and will be discarded like a piece of trash. GPYB workbook by Susan Elliott is very good in helping you work through your underlying issues that are keeping you involved with this person, and realizing how you got involved in the first place-AND how to prevent it in the future!. Check out her You Tube, blog, etc.. lots of free contact to help you. Fear of being alone may be intimidating, but I promise you escaping BEFORE you are discarded and humiliated is much much easier…and empowering. Run girl, it is not easy, but run!!! You can do this.
((((Empath))) ty for your post and your words are appreciated.
It’s the hope. Hoping he will love you.
I’ve implemeted no contact for periods from3 months to a year.
He finds a way to contact me.
It’s lonely and hard at first – going no contact. But after a while, it shows you How much peace you have in your life without them. The drama stops. Your heart begins to heal.
The most difficult hurdle is realising he really isn’t the ‘one’ and despite being the most adoring man at one point – the horrible silences, hot and cold/ on and off games, mind games in general and discarding tell you a different story.
I know now:
he’s a liar
He can’t be faithful or loyal
He struggles with self esteem (masked heavily, hard to detect)
He mirrors people ( as needed)
He has no empathy
He needs to look good
Image crafting is a big part of who he is
He is consistently inconsistent
He’s a sex addict… list could go on
Knowing these things cancels out most of the fantasy of wanting him to be prince normal, but it’s the hope that always drew me back in.
I’m a good source of fuel. But I’m long distance too. In some ways, this has protected me. But I do think I’m still a bit of a unicorn to him. He got married last week. After a very short 3 month engagement. Funny cause I sensed something about him that day. And a friend let me know. Not a mutual friend. So I felt like my intuition was still sharp. My heart didn’t hurt at this news. I actually thought it was ridiculous.
He will still try to contact me though, in the future. With sob stories of her probably saying things like ‘she doesn’t trust me’ (lol … I wonder why) and I miss you, I think of you everyday, I love you. I love everything about you (liar).
I do believe I’m prepared completely though. I’ve shut down email accounts so he cannot contact me, and social media too.
I think I’ve run out of hope. I know he’s never going to be the man I thought he was. That man doesn’t exist.
And I learned it here through HG Tudor. Prior to reading his work, I lived on hope. My heart was bleeding hope by the litre.
I’m ready though now. For the next Hoover attempt. I have spent months reading HG’s writings and I dont think you can be more powerfully armed than by learning from a pro.
I feel like there’s no stone unturned now. I know what he is. And I no longer hope he will love me.
Now I just hope I can stay true to myself and not reply to any contact he makes. Because it’s so.F***ing.Hard.
Thanks HG.
You are welcome.
Laurel
“Prince Normal”
Ha ha!
My mom, I owe her my life. I love her even though I don’t like her. She has no income, no social security, no retirement, so if I don’t send her money she will be begging in the streets.
With my half sister, even though I was so fed up with her, she was homeless and I didn’t have the heart to kick her out of the house because she had no where to go. After my husband got her a job and healthcare, and we were able to convince her to reconnect with her wealthy ex boyfriend and he offered to let her stay in one of his houses, I went minimal contact afterbshe left our house. I dis not initiate contact and when she contacted me my answers were very cut and dried and short. She went GOSO on me after that. She was really offended that she didn’t even let me visit her when she was terminally ill.
With romantic narcs, it was not as hard to do GOSO as I do not feel that I have any obligations to them. Also I have never had sex with them and I don’t know if the case would have been different if I did. But itnis irrelevant now anyway since I’m happily married. So thankfully I have never been ensnared.
Some reasons not mentioned here are worth noting for me in regard to Narc Friend. I was only a secondary source, so whether or not I have this person in my life is not such a black and white issue. He can come and go as he pleases and it makes no difference to me now that I know what he is. I was crazy about him (prior to identification) and though I am addicted to him and seeing what he does next, I am not foolish enough to sign up to be an IPPS. I have done that before and once was enough. It boils down to wanting to watch the next episode of the soap opera more than anything else. It’s good practice for me to externalize his actions and watch in a disinterested way. Morbid fascination.
I also am not confident that I could convince others of what he is, and I would need to do so in order to cut him off without undue sacrifice on my part. The last time I tried to out a narcissist it backfired on me spectacularly. That’s what landed me in therapy. I am not going to try it again unless my evidence is airtight. In this case it is not and I am well aware of this. I’d rather just exist as a boring shelved secondary source than go through that kind of battle again. The chances I will encounter him again by accident are slim and it is worth the risk in my opinion. Doing things like blocking him, which would appear emotional and incendiary, would set me up to look like the one who is unhinged if I ever had to approach the issue later. I have learned in situations like this to behave above reproach.
I never blocked my Narc Ex either. He hoovered me in malign ways several times after the end of our relationship (mostly by paper letter, which I couldn’t have prevented anyway) but ceased when I went off his radar. Which brings me to the other reason I haven’t gone NC with him — I like to see evil coming and not have it sneak up out of some dark corner I haven’t checked. The only emotion that man inspires in me is complete and utter revulsion. He was such an inept narcissist that the golden period only lasted about 6 weeks, so I mainly associate him with abuse.
I have no contact. But while still engaging with him I have to say my weakness was hope for a different outcome. I kept thinking that he would grow out of his moods, if just given enough time and space. Eventually he would learn that he could trust me after all, if only I was understanding enough.
I had this dumb idea in my head that he was worth all the anguish and waiting. I knew I had to go no contact out of instinct because interacting with him was killing me and I was an emotional wreck all the time.
Going no contact is what allowed me the clarity to look at the relationship for what it was and then Google behaviour traits wherein I stumbled across this thing called ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder.’
He checked every single box but then what nailed it for me was reading all the victim testimonies where they said the person in the beginning was nothing like the person at the end. I kept waiting around for that Golden Period to return–that person in the beginning, who of course was long gone. At least with me.
Always long gone, the golden period always ends. It may return temporarily but it is always ends. For each of us.
My biggest reasons are a sense of obligation, I don’t like hurting people guilt but mostly my desire to make it right Most of the time I don’t even want the formal relationship again I just want to be able to part on good terms not bad ones
We’re owning a business together….😣 I’ve moved out & have no established no contact on a personal level… but cant so with the business…. in legal consultations regarding the business, but will be a long battle….☹
Being weak
I have gone No Contact now but often regret not having done it sooner. It took a while but I am also actually glad I didn’t implement it then and responded to the hoovers as painful as they were as the Narcissist foolishly told me he intended to emigrate to Canada during Hoover No 2 and I reported him to Canadian Immigration.
They obviously believed me as he didn’t get in.
Because nobody gets away with abusing me without consequences.
Until I learned what I was dealing with, the no contact was broken due to sympathy. I was played by sympathy – he was very educated in Psychiatric speak, mental diagnosis, and pharmaceuticals. He was having emotional breakdowns, disappearing off and on, or having one crisis after another that kept me constantly engaged in drama. His medications would stop working, he would be in the hospital, he would lock himself in his house for days, he orchestrated all kinds of situations to make me believe it was all due to his traumatic childhood, thus he suffered from a multitude of medical issues, including PTSD, HPD, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, dehydration (his body was so damaged from starvation, neglect as a child in foster care), etc…these stories came slowly over a period of five years.
All of it was lies, but when I believed it, that was what would end up restoring contact between us when we broke up a few times I thought he was damaged and suffering and he had me believing that he (ha!) desperately needed me….not knowing he was actually off screwing other women and, much to my surprise, men. And, he was married over 32 years. Or that he had others validating his false identity, including fake friends and family members. It was a hoax of extreme measure.
Martha Stout was right in her book Sociopath Next Door in that regard. Her number one reason to suspect a Sociopath is to beware of those who seek sympathy. That contradicted much of the other authors on the subject-at least as the number one reason. It was indeed the methodology that entangled me and kept me entangled until I learned the truth and bolted. The insanity in my case was so extreme I wonder how this person has made it through life thus far. He has everybody fooled about who he really is-but I exposed him to as many as I could with solid evidence. He is really good at the con but he is really, really crazy.
None of the above HG. I’m an addict. I know there is no hope for a different outcome now thanks to your teaching. It doesn’t hurt like it once did because I don’t have to wonder why. I enjoy the hits and accept the silences. Neither are taken personally anymore. My time off the shelf is a sweet surprise. I miss the mysteriousness of it all, but I DO NOT miss the pain. Thank you for taking that away.
“Hope for a different outcome” …. Yeah, that’s me ….
So, at least I’m not alone with that.
Hope for a different outcome. I’ve seen little pieces of “normal”, usually after taking meds. The beautiful choir that is her confines me to love.
Repercussions was the most. He’s a greater, he is powerful, he’s done harm to people, he’s threatened to black ball me employment wise, he’s vengeful. I left him once, and he stalked me through office surveillance cameras, pointed directly at my desk and the computer I sat at (he used to manage that office) and I know he tracked me on my phone, and more, he controls other men around me. He’s vanished people before. I left him once, and I stopped talking to him and ignoring him once- both before I learned about narcissism. The ignoring caused me harm financially in a rage – but I think more a pretend for fun rage than real- he knows I’m sensitive to loud things and bright sunlight, I had to step out of his office and step back in and he had that curled smile -and my him ignoring was stopped.
Keep your enemies close. I’d rather deal with him on his terms mechanically without emotions than have him for an enemy.
Children with a narcissist – nightmare second to none! No real escape possible.
Gray Rock! Watch what happens…
He knows that I have no family or other support around, that I always wanted to ‘belong’, that him being an involved father has always been very important to me, that I never wanted to be a single mum lile my mother, that him living with his new supply and their toddler hugely upset me etc etc. I know he doesn’t care. It still hurts.
Gray rocking helps for a while until he turns up again playing father of the year. I can’t go along with his occasional visits, to me it feels like child abuse, but he’s refused to discuss the topic for years. I have tried so hard for so long with him, now I just want him gone. It’s possible, as there is no court order, but my son wants to know his ‘daddy’. If I get a court order, I’ll have to deal with his toxicity so much more, gray rocking is exhausting!
The real issue is about forgiving myself for the choice I made and the many significant consequences that followed.
Rebecca,
It is critical you forgive yourself, no one goes into a relationship with a Narcissist knowingly. Well, at least I hope they don’t.
Anyway, you didn’t know-and despite what some people think “this could never happen to me”…or “I would never fall for that” they do NOT know what they are talking about. Only until it happens to YOU can you relate to someone else’s entanglement with “this kind”, as H.G. refers to them.
It is in your past and the only thing that matters now is THE PRESENT, the decisions you make moving forward and raising and protecting your son as best you can. In my opinion I would feel obligated to explain to him the disorder as simply as you can because he will be able to self protect as well and you can teach him the difference between right and wrong treatment of people. I protected my two boys from their dad until I no longer could because I wanted to be absolutely certain they understand how to treat a woman. And people in general. I never ever intended on being a single mother but here I am, doing the best I can with the cards I have been dealt. I have to accept responsibility for my own decisions and learn from them and above all else do what’s best for my boys…in the NOW.
A Narcissist is the epitome of how NOT to be. The world needs more kindness.
Empath, of course, I am well aware of what you are discussing, and fully agree. However, our subconscious has its own agenda. Following the Narc, I noticed the little synchronicities which lead to meeting people, both potential partners and friends, dropping off significantly. If I attract people these days, more often than not they are not as available as I would like them to be, or I find reason to not want to get too close, or nothing happens at all, I meet no one. Things don’t flow as freely as they used to. Given the lack of family and friends in a city I moved to pre narc, with a child, and given my childhood abandonment issues which the narc unearthed, it can be challenging. Wanting to move on and moving on doesn’t always line up. I might mention it’s over 6 years post narc…
Hey Rebecca,
Thanks for your reply. I will likely repel people for a long time because just as H.G. states, trust will not ever be given away freely again…unfortunately it is a long term affect of Narc involvement. Because I am so guarded I am certain I will not attract people like I once did. My narc relationship aged me considerably as well-I am less confident in my appearance and have ongoing physical issues that developed while dating the psycho I had been involved with. I am quite certain I will NEVER date online again as it is teeming with Narcissits and Sociopaths. Where I live it is quite difficult to meet people my age because it is a college town. And, to be honest, as of right now, I could not imagine dating again. I am grossed out by the mere thought of it after what I have been through. I am so disgusted by the things I learned about that psycho I dated I am repulsed by any man’s attention. Guess the Narc wanted to leave me that way. At least I do not long for him though, one briteside to this whole ordeal. I miss the fake companionship but not the physical interaction, it is sickening and gross after what I learned about him. Gag!
I wish you well on your journey Rebecca, I am sorry you have to deal with having children with a Narc. I simply cannot imagine that predicament. Stay strong.
HOPE most of all!
I seem to have been born with this tendency to never ever let go, even at all costs! I will hold on until there is nothing to hold on to. I will hold on after continuing battering and upset, and though it kills me even and I’ll have emotional breakdown after emotional breakdown, again and again, I will keep getting back up, and even if I’ve gone no contact several times.
BUT if I see the tiniest bit of hope, then my empathy and emotional thinking take over, and it’s like all the bad that’s happened before disappears, like how the pain of childbirth (so I’m told) is forgotten when the mother finally sees her child, for the first time, and only joy and relief, and love take over.
It’s so very strong, that nothing holds my empath traits back. I am such a fighter too, and always have had to be. So I will go back again and again, and try different ways to make it somehow work. I hate giving up on someone. It feels wrong. It goes against my fibre and being. If there is something good in someone, I will find it, and hold on to it. Even if the whole world goes against me, I don’t care. I will still hold on.
I wish I could pick one of these options. I think my reasoning has nothing to do with him anymore. We have no ties that make me stay .it’s not lack of knowledge. It’s the highs and lows. I’m addicted to the extreme emotions. Unfortunately with the knowledge I’ve obtained those emotions are not so extreme anymore. The challenge is not as great. It’s an addiction like a hit of a drug and like any drug it feels good for a moment but takes a toll on the body and mind.
Mercy, I feel like that, too. I’m no contact now and I miss the extreme emotions he provoked. If there had been more of a balance between the highs and lows – it became all lows – the highs would have made me tolerate the lows as I am an addict and it was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I’m glad he made the mistake of devaluing me too much, as I’d have stayed if he’d thrown me a bone occasionally.
Littlebit, yes I agree. There comes a point where there’s just not enough highs. They may think of us as nonworking appliances at that point but in my opinion its the fault of the narc. Make this appliance work! Give me my highs and we can both be happy. They fail us with neglected maintenance.
Congrats on NC. I went almost 2 months until the hoover. I was pretty proud of that accomplishments but the “hit” was too enticing. It’s different this time though. I don’t feel the need to work for the highs. I’m just being polite and not requesting anything from him. It seems to be ok at this moment. We’ll see where he takes it. If he can rely on others for his main fuel and just be civil to me with occasional text then I will be ok.
Mercy & littlebit
The N does kill it, and they DO fail us with neglected maintenance. That’s well said. Their selfishness is their undoing, because without us putting in, and putting up with, and overlooking their dysfunctional character traits, there’s nothing left.
The biohazardous chemical that kills it faster is their spite.
Nothing can survive that.
It creates a wasteland like Chernobyl.
HG said he sprays the flower beds with weedkiller. How apt an analogy.
Caroline R,
I’m having a bad day and was on the verge of peeking at his social media. Your post stopped me – wanted to say Thank You.
“because without us putting in, and putting up with, and overlooking their dysfunctional character traits, there’s nothing left.” – YES!
Huh. Can’t participate in this poll. I don’t do no contact, but my reason is not up there as a choice. It is ingrained in my psyche that it is wrong to refuse to respond to anyone who addresses me politely. I may refuse to continue a conversation, but I will respond politely, if briefly, to questions and pleasantries.
Ha, windstorm, I’m similar in that regard, but I don’t really consider that breaking no contact either… as long as my own responses (inner and outer) are geared towards shutting the line of communication down.
Although in my case that would only apply to a chance in-person meeting, as I’ve blocked him everywhere and our paths don’t normally cross in our everyday lives.
Dearest Windstorm,
What a courageous and amazing woman you are
Thank you for being here …. you are so loved and appreciated 😊
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Thank you, Bubbles. You are always so upbeat and caring! Glad you are here, too!
“Co parenting”