How Your Emotional Thinking Causes Excuses
THIS IS A KEY ARTICLE IN TERMS OF BOLSTERING YOUR UNDERSTANDING.
The fact for so long you had no idea what you were dealing with resulted in you engaging in an anticipated behaviour. This behaviour is one which we regularly rely on in order to keep you in the dark. I have made mention of the various traits which we look for in those who make the most useful victims to us. One of those traits concerns your ability to try to find the good in everyone and everything. This is a typical empathic trait and along with all of the others which you possess causes you to flare up on our radar when we are seeking an excellent primary source. Your desire to see good means that it obscures your ability to see the bad or perhaps more accurately, to accept the bad. This is how your emotional thinking once again cons you and causes you to fail to see what is really happening, how you make excuses for the behaviour. Your emotional thinking craves the interaction with us, it is selfish and wants to experience all of the ‘good’ which flows from us and to convince you to ignore the bad. Your emotional thinking does not want you to acknowledge what is really going on and exit the relationship. Your emotional thinking wants to gag logic so it cannot be heard and cause you to overlook the bad in the hope of recovering the good once again. Thus, your emotional thinking will make you issue excuse after excuse for what we do, so you remain invested in the relationship with us. Accordingly, your emotional thinking continues our control of you. It is those who are empathic who suffer from this effect from their emotional thinking. They are convinced to consider their action as selfless, a reflection of how they wish to see the ‘good’ in people, how they make allowances and are tolerant – but when you are ensnared with our kind, all that is happening is that you are being prevented, by your own emotional thinking, from seeing what is truly happening and this is to your detriment.
Of course, at the time it is happening, you cannot see it happening because your insight is impaired by the emotional thinking. Occasionally, logic might just make itself heard (only to be ignored) as you notice that a certain behaviour is not acceptable but your emotional thinking rises once again and swamps that logic before it can gain a foothold in your mind. Emotional thinking whispers that excuse for you and it is easier to accept that than go along the rocky road of logic. Thus, your emotional thinking keeps you blinded to the truth and it is only later when you have been punched in the face by the gauntlet of brutal honesty that you finally pay heed to logic and with hindsight realise how you have been conned. It happens over and over again and is all because of your emotional thinking gaining control of your thoughts.
This is something we desire because it prevents you from truly recognising what it is that is happening to you once your devaluation has begun. We of course love to operate from a position of plausible deniability, we court ambiguity since we enjoy and need to twist and turn in order to achieve what we want. If you saw everything as stark and clear as I now describe our machinations to you, you would be more inclined to escape us and bring about that unwelcome cessation of our primary source of fuel. It would also make it harder to apply those hoovers when we wish to return you to the fold and have you engage in our cyclical endeavours once again. We present you with the truth of what we are on a repeated basis but although we offer it up in front of you, we never let you see it clearly. We draw a veil across certain elements, apply a smoke screen, obscure some parts and distort others. The reality is there before you. It is evident and plain but because of the way in which we purposefully manipulate you, you are unable to see it. It is akin to us pointing out a ship on the horizon. It is obvious for us to see but when we hand you a telescope to gain a better look at this vessel, the lens has been smeared with something which distorts the view, or we place our finger over part of the lens blocking your view.
The consequence of this distortion is to prevent you from truly seeing what we are. This in turn means that you are unable to form a clear and coherent view of the person which has taken hold of you. This becomes infuriating for others who we have not been able to drag into our façade, but who recognise full well what we are. These observers tell you what you are dealing with. They may be circumspect to begin with, hoping not to offend your sensibilities but over time their increasing exasperation causes them to come out and say it straight. Yet, such candour rarely finds favour with you because you do not like to be told something about someone as wonderful as us (or at least someone who was wonderful). You do not like to think that the golden period has gone. You do not like to be deprived of the idea that what you once had will never come back or even that it did not exist to begin with. Most of the reasons why you think like this is as a consequence of our manipulative behaviour, which further foes to underline that it is not your fault. Even your desire to see the good in people is not your fault either. That is who you are. We know that and we exploit it. It is our fault again but of course in the midst of the battle that we engage in with you, we will never admit that anything is our fault. That will never do.
Thus, your view of us is obscured and because of this you will always issue excuses to explain away our behaviour, our words and our actions. You make these excuses time and time again, to others and to yourselves. You believe these excuses because this is how you think and you have been led towards this train of thought by the schooling you have received at our manipulative hands and mouths. You also utilise these excuses to continue to convince yourself that the unsavoury elements of our behaviour are just an aberration, on occasional blip in respect of an otherwise magnificent person. Your charity is amazing and naturally most welcome for through this blinkered approach you divest us of responsibility for the things we do, something which aligns with one of our many stated aims. You prevent yourself from examining further the reality of what has now ensnared you and the repeated application of these excuses keeps you in situ. We want you to utilise these excuses. We want to hear them. We want them said to us and to others. Your excuses frustrate and alienate those who are against us, your excuses support out manufactured façade and most of all they ensure you deny to yourself that which is directly before you. Here are twenty-five of those such excuses. You will have said them and probably more than once. Understand that each time you utter one you have issued a further death knell for your prospects of escaping us.
- He is just tired; it makes him snap.
- He doesn’t mean it, not really.
- You don’t have to pretend with me, I just want you to be yourself.
- He has a lot on his mind at the moment.
- Work is particularly stressful for him.
- He sometimes has a bit too much to drink, but hey, who hasn’t been there?
- I think perhaps I am too harsh on him at times, it is my fault really.
- He is in a bad place but he will come through it.
- He is a complex person; you don’t understand him like I do
- It is just the way he is; I have got used to it.
- I know it seems bad but he does so much that is lovely; this is only a small part of what he is like.
- Nobody knows him properly, that’s why you think bad of him.
- He is a popular guy so he is always going to have women hitting on him.
- He has a temper, I know, but that’s part of what he is and it’s not for us to change him.
- I need to be more supportive and then he will be better.
- He’s not well at the moment but I will help him get through it, you will see.
- You’ve only heard one side of the story; he is not like that at all.
- Yes, well, his family would say that about him to cover up what they did to him.
- All he needs is to be loved and I am the one who is going to do that for him.
- You don’t know what you are saying anymore, it is okay, I do understand.
- It was a one-off, it won’t happen again.
- I know it was wrong but this time he has promised that he won’t do it anymore.
- You don’t understand the way that me and him are together.
- You are just jealous of what we have. Why can’t you be please for us, for my sake?
- I’m sorry, it was my fault.
Sound familiar?
26 thoughts on “How Your Emotional Thinking Causes Excuses”
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I remember one time when I asked him to give me a ride to his town as I was visiting a friend there. He was (puportedly) going there anyway and would drop me off on the way to his destination, so I didn’t think he’d mind – if anything, it should have pleased him to get an hour longer with me.
What I got was major anger/aggression outbursts at other drivers that I somehow felt were directed at me. LOL I must have messed up his other booty call and it likely made him furious that was coming into his turf without prior motification/consent.
Why be cruel after discard? Why hurt someone further? Why drive another person to thoughts they never thought before? Such as suicide? Teach me how to turn love on and off!
Why not? It is done for the purposes of control and to gain fuel. You cannot turn love on and off, you are not a machine. You cannot switch your empathy off.
So you’re a machine? A robot. Are you happy with your life?
He is not that bad. He does not really affect me.
“…when you are punched in the face by the gauntlet of brutal honesty” – sorry, that made me laugh! Great visual and sadly true!
Well apart from alcohol and mental illness I actually thought many times that he was just thick, uneducated, retarded & lazy… i know now though! he’s got a personality disorder as well as being a wanker.. very thankful for all the information on this site.
You are welcome.
It is Thanksgiving and thus emotional thinking is great. Soon I will take my emotional thinking and apply it to emotional eating with the pecan pie.
While I will get through the day without initiating contact with the one I want, I don’t want to get through the day without thanking HG and all of you on this blog! I know how I was before finding HG and this site; how I am today and how much I can enjoy even the smallest aspects of today with my child have a great deal to do with you. Thank you!
You are welcome.
HG, can you explain something to me please? I forward your articles to two men. Both are involved with women who have suffered narcissistic abuse. Both men have indicated their interest in learning about narcissism. However when pressed, neither is doing much work to understand the articles sent to them. They either have not read or are not grasping the information. Why is that? They could be a great help to their women, but just muddled through. I just dont understand. And no I don’t believe either is a narcissist. Is muddling through, half heartedly, half assing through life the way most normals are?
They may not understand or they have a degree of in-built resistance because they feel they are being told how to think and act (most people do not like that) and whilst I applaud you for sharing my work, it does sometimes have to be offered in a particular way to gain investment from the recipient. If you read Smeared this will help you understand more about the mindset of the third party to the narcissistic dynamic.
I don’t think until ur a victim urself u understand or give a shit
I understand (to a degree) but you are correct that I do not care.
Will definitely get the book. I think what you and Twilight are saying is I lack tact and my presentation sucks. Yep! Guilty of both! 😋 Thank you. I’ll try to rethink how I’m presenting it to them. I’m sure you’re very correct about that. I’m sure I come off as pushing too hard. I know my intensity rubs people the wrong way. Thank you both again!
IdaNoe
I have taken parts from many of HGs books and asked for whomever it is I am speaking with if it resonates with them.
Last night I used a part from his book Black Hole and asked two people to read it, then asked them who the first person they thought of. They both said the person I was thinking of and then asked where I got this information from.
HG at times I do not specify who wrote the material until I have their attention and curiosity, depending on who I will either tell them right away or expose them to more of your work before I tell them. I hope you do not mind.
One must adopt the most appropriate method to gain maximum effect.
Lol.hg I was talking about the men who are dating woman who used to be involved with narcs not about you lol u do understand your the expert lol and I still think u care just a tiny bit
Yes, this is all too familiar, especially the ones where I would rather blame myself and see it as my fault rather than choose to see bad in them. Perhaps that makes me seem weak and niave.
Even if we know what this kind is all about, often we will still choose to see something good. The fact that we can still do that despite the abusive people these kind are, is in itself amazing.
It is not our fault we are like this. It comes natural to us to do this. For those of us battling addiction to this kind, it is especially hard to fight against. I know that I can only see the bad for a while, until it disappears and is replaced with good again.
You cannot take hope from a person. It is stronger than you can imagine. I would never want someone to give up on me.
Just because I have these traits, it does not make it right that I should show up on this kind’s radar, nor that they can see me as a target. I know what is taught here, but I will always have empathy and hope and believe in love. If that is a bad thing, then so be it!
I believe I can still protect myself, take precautions, and yet have strong empathic traits.
Every single one is familiar. He used to say “I don’t have to lie to you. I can be myself” or “You are the only one who understands my emotional outbursts of anger. They mean passion. They mean that I care. My daughters see me as a mad man. They don’t understand me as you do.” And then of course, I believed, even though his emotional outbursts while not directed at me, they always gave me the sure feeling that something fatal could happen. It was not often but when it happened it was a scene to be seen and was accompanied by him saying things that didn’t make sense at first but then you would understand that all vitriol was about many things that were bothering him along the time and that were not logically related to the event that caused the outburst but rather to how he felt about life and himself as a whole.
I am not sure how many of you have witnessed the “reality” side of a narcissist but as I look back, mine had very lucid moments where he seemed to grasp the problem without understanding it. For instance, HG is very aware of what he is. My guy wasn’t and he went through his own internal motions where I could see the fear, conflict, doubt, the need of constant reaffirmation from my part. Yet, it was never enough as the paranoia and the knowledge that he lack in many skills haunted him. He expected to be left. One word that he misunderstood or saw through his lenses was enough to ring all his alarms.
I saw it. I saw him. Years ago I saw his total lack of empathy and I told him: “you have no empathy for other people. The only ones you seem to care about are your daughters because you have a type of co-dependent relationship with them.”
Of course that earned me a good silent treatment, followed by monosyllabic communication and face to face sulking behavior until he said that my tongue was as precise as a “whip”.
But yes, I saw all that. And yes, I excused his lame shitty behavior. And yes I am still pissed off about it.
Truth that he denied.
Truths that I denied.
26. He was so abused as a child that he suffers enormously; his medications have to be adjusted constantly and he needs to withdraw at times. You have not seen him uncontrolably weep in the depths of despair like I have.
As a greater you must not use the sympathy ploy too often H G. My sociopath never raised his voice to me, insulted me, or ever seemed violent. I cannot recall ever once seeing him lose his temper in over 5 years. He was happy all the time but I guess that is because I bought into the entire hoax. He was immersed in delight I imagine whenever we were together. This man was seriously an amazing actor, the hysteria of emotion he could manifest , his horrific stories revealing such deep sorrow and painful memories he had to endure…it was outstanding what he could pull out of his ass in an instant. He continously refreshed the constant sympathy I had for him as he weaved his tales of childhood abuse and foster home experiences. It played well into him being private individual and having difficulty being emotionally available to move our relationship forward. But he could easily fake it when I began to withdraw, or he came up with some new dramatic story of something else terrible he was dealing with.
People would never guess by the facade he operates under who he really is. As I said before, had I not had proof I would not, could not have believed it myself. I was lucky in that sense I found out who he really was, I know a lot of victims have no idea what happened to them. Much easier to plainly see the pathology and sever all ties immediately. He does have a few people that know who he is and support his double life though, people who stand in as relatives and validate his identity to his victims. Not sure how he convinces people to do that for him but he did.
You have no right to live.
Your sick kind and refusal to accept responsibility and be accountable have cost lives.
Two women are dead by suicide in the past month from forced marriages.
Add to that…
An infant was killed because the father didn’t want it.
A woman was sold because her father didn’t want her.
Patriarchy is just another name for narcissism.
The reason people would be against you is because you are monstrosities. Only narcs create the negativity you feel so threatened by.
Superior? No, you are not. Not in this or any other lifetime.
#ISAYNO
It took me an extremely long time to stop believing in him to stop thinking he would go back to his old self which was really his false facade it was a process I had to go through but now that I’ve gone through it I can never see him the same again I know he’s nothing but an opportunist and an actor a damn good one too I’m never going back I no longer feel a tie to him and I never thought it would happen his last hoover failed the emotional connection is finally gone which I honestly never thought I’d be free of thought I’d be addicted forever it’s a great feeling and I don’t regret it happening now o recognize my sister is a narcissist and life makes sense again I can see my neediness and it’s improved Im dating someone who I don’t think is a narcissist but I did date one shortly after the last discard I have hope now that I can get through anything
Can you talk about BPD? In your experience are people with BPD manipulators or are they more likely to be victims?
I will writing about this in the future.
Well chop chop and get busy HG! We are waiting!