Well, wasn’t that the roller coaster ride? Don’t look so miserable at least you are getting a letter. The last four never got anything at this stage, I just disappeared and the first they knew that I was no longer interested in them was when they saw me parading my new acquisition. Still, they brought it on themselves or at least that is what I keep telling myself because after all, nothing is my fault is it? So, here is your letter. Yes, this is a Dear John letter, a missive designed to tell you that our entanglement is now at an end (for now – more on that later) and that I am now romantically involved with somebody else. Just as an aside, did you know that they originated from letters sent to soldiers by their unfaithful wives. Yes, brave Johnny was out there fighting the good fight whilst his Mrs was shacked up with Johnny-Come-Lately and she decided that rather than wait for Johnny to come home from the front she would choose Johnny Come Lately who was stationed in her home town. Seems our kind did not even suspend operations because of World War Two. Anyway, I digress. Yes, this letter is to tell you that you and I are no more. The simple reason is you are no use to me anymore. I know it seems damned unfair but my needs are all that matter you see. You gave it a good shot; I will give you that I suppose. You lasted longer than the one before, whatever her name was. Something to be proud of isn’t it, there haven’t been many who have held on to me as long as you have. I know in between the tears and the confusion when you read this letter you will be wondering why on earth have I done this after everything that you have done for me. You see, it is exactly that kind of selfish thinking that put a hex on you and me. If you had spent more time thinking about me and my needs, then we wouldn’t be in this position. Well, actually, we probably would because so far no matter what anybody has managed to do, I have always found them to be lacking eventually and had my head turned by somebody else. It always seems to happen and it cannot be my fault can it? I don’t do anything wrong. I mean I chased you, made you feel special and did all the tickling, hair-twirling and sweet nothings, you got a good time, come on you have to admit it. Oh I know things went sour afterwards but I have already written to you about that, do you have to go on about it? There you go again. Me, me, me. Never a thought for how I might feel. Have you any idea what it is like needing to rely on someone else to validate your existence? Oh you do. Well, that makes it worse actually, if you do know, why didn’t you do something about it? Anyway, I don’t have time to go into all that now. I daresay you are wondering why I have chosen someone now rather than try and work things out with you or at the very least agree to an amicable split before looking for a new victim. Well, it is a fair question I suppose. I have had the new person lined up for a while. You just weren’t doing it for me anymore and I had to make sure my needs were met so whilst you waited for me to come home, dinner in the oven, or dealt with the children again on your own as I was away on a “business trip” I was busy choosing her and seducing her. She is a right cracker, going to give me lots of emotional attention, better than you ever did. Oh don’t start with the tears, no actually carry on, that makes me feel better when you cry. I could list all the things that she is and which you are not, but I cannot be bothered to do it now, I am too excited about spending time with my new toy, er I mean partner. Don’t worry though, I will triangulate you with her at some point so you can find out all about why I chose her and we may as well have a little competition where I pit you and her against one another and I sit back and choose a winner. That’s what you get to do when you are as brilliant as me, so we can save the analysis about her for another time.
I’ve left you with a load of debt. Nothing to do with me as everything is in your name, but I suppose it will give you something to concentrate on alongside wondering what has just happened. I am going to take a few household items too, they are mine after all and I need to make sure my new home has everything. I imagine you will muddle through somehow, not that I care of course, but I might pretend to care if you give me the reaction I am after. I daresay you think I am cold-hearted and callous bastard but you have to understand this is your fault and not mine. If you had just tried harder to please me and keep me happy then I would not have had to look elsewhere. You made me have this affair because you are selfish and do not think about me. It is no point digging out that ridiculous list you have kept of everything that you have supposedly done for me, I know for a fact it is made up, but then you are something of a fantasist after all, at least that is what I have been telling all our friends and families, plus the neighbours, oh and your boss and the chap at the corner shop. Well, I am not having you spreading lies about me by saying I have gone off with some young bit of stuff leaving you in a half-empty house, with no income, a load of debt and the kids to look after. That would make me look bad and I have a reputation to maintain. Don’t even think about telling tales. Nobody will believe you. I have made sure of that and I will see the kids when I can be bothered, but when I do decide to bother my backside you had better not start playing silly buggers or I will have you in court and the judge and everyone else will know about your drink and drug problems. It is no good pretending you don’t have them, I know you do, or at least, I will make it seem like you do.
Well, I think that is everything. I have left a few bits and bobs in case I want to come back and torment you by haggling over a toaster and that collection of coloured vinyl records. Don’t think about calling me or hassling me, people already think you are a nut job. So, this is it. As I mentioned, at least I am telling you it is over, so you know. See, I am considerate after all. I would say good bye, but is more like au revoir, but when I say so.
Thanks for nothing
N. Arc x”