Goodbye or Au Revoir?
“Dear Victim,
Well, wasn’t that the roller coaster ride? Don’t look so miserable at least you are getting a letter. The last four never got anything at this stage, I just disappeared and the first they knew that I was no longer interested in them was when they saw me parading my new acquisition. Still, they brought it on themselves or at least that is what I keep telling myself because after all, nothing is my fault is it? So, here is your letter. Yes, this is a Dear John letter, a missive designed to tell you that our entanglement is now at an end (for now – more on that later) and that I am now romantically involved with somebody else. Just as an aside, did you know that they originated from letters sent to soldiers by their unfaithful wives. Yes, brave Johnny was out there fighting the good fight whilst his Mrs was shacked up with Johnny-Come-Lately and she decided that rather than wait for Johnny to come home from the front she would choose Johnny Come Lately who was stationed in her home town. Seems our kind did not even suspend operations because of World War Two. Anyway, I digress. Yes, this letter is to tell you that you and I are no more. The simple reason is you are no use to me anymore. I know it seems damned unfair but my needs are all that matter you see. You gave it a good shot; I will give you that I suppose. You lasted longer than the one before, whatever her name was. Something to be proud of isn’t it, there haven’t been many who have held on to me as long as you have. I know in between the tears and the confusion when you read this letter you will be wondering why on earth have I done this after everything that you have done for me. You see, it is exactly that kind of selfish thinking that put a hex on you and me. If you had spent more time thinking about me and my needs, then we wouldn’t be in this position. Well, actually, we probably would because so far no matter what anybody has managed to do, I have always found them to be lacking eventually and had my head turned by somebody else. It always seems to happen and it cannot be my fault can it? I don’t do anything wrong. I mean I chased you, made you feel special and did all the tickling, hair-twirling and sweet nothings, you got a good time, come on you have to admit it. Oh I know things went sour afterwards but I have already written to you about that, do you have to go on about it? There you go again. Me, me, me. Never a thought for how I might feel. Have you any idea what it is like needing to rely on someone else to validate your existence? Oh you do. Well, that makes it worse actually, if you do know, why didn’t you do something about it? Anyway, I don’t have time to go into all that now. I daresay you are wondering why I have chosen someone now rather than try and work things out with you or at the very least agree to an amicable split before looking for a new victim. Well, it is a fair question I suppose. I have had the new person lined up for a while. You just weren’t doing it for me anymore and I had to make sure my needs were met so whilst you waited for me to come home, dinner in the oven, or dealt with the children again on your own as I was away on a “business trip” I was busy choosing her and seducing her. She is a right cracker, going to give me lots of emotional attention, better than you ever did. Oh don’t start with the tears, no actually carry on, that makes me feel better when you cry. I could list all the things that she is and which you are not, but I cannot be bothered to do it now, I am too excited about spending time with my new toy, er I mean partner. Don’t worry though, I will triangulate you with her at some point so you can find out all about why I chose her and we may as well have a little competition where I pit you and her against one another and I sit back and choose a winner. That’s what you get to do when you are as brilliant as me, so we can save the analysis about her for another time.
I’ve left you with a load of debt. Nothing to do with me as everything is in your name, but I suppose it will give you something to concentrate on alongside wondering what has just happened. I am going to take a few household items too, they are mine after all and I need to make sure my new home has everything. I imagine you will muddle through somehow, not that I care of course, but I might pretend to care if you give me the reaction I am after. I daresay you think I am cold-hearted and callous bastard but you have to understand this is your fault and not mine. If you had just tried harder to please me and keep me happy then I would not have had to look elsewhere. You made me have this affair because you are selfish and do not think about me. It is no point digging out that ridiculous list you have kept of everything that you have supposedly done for me, I know for a fact it is made up, but then you are something of a fantasist after all, at least that is what I have been telling all our friends and families, plus the neighbours, oh and your boss and the chap at the corner shop. Well, I am not having you spreading lies about me by saying I have gone off with some young bit of stuff leaving you in a half-empty house, with no income, a load of debt and the kids to look after. That would make me look bad and I have a reputation to maintain. Don’t even think about telling tales. Nobody will believe you. I have made sure of that and I will see the kids when I can be bothered, but when I do decide to bother my backside you had better not start playing silly buggers or I will have you in court and the judge and everyone else will know about your drink and drug problems. It is no good pretending you don’t have them, I know you do, or at least, I will make it seem like you do.
Well, I think that is everything. I have left a few bits and bobs in case I want to come back and torment you by haggling over a toaster and that collection of coloured vinyl records. Don’t think about calling me or hassling me, people already think you are a nut job. So, this is it. As I mentioned, at least I am telling you it is over, so you know. See, I am considerate after all. I would say good bye, but is more like au revoir, but when I say so.
Thanks for nothing
N. Arc x”
30 thoughts on “Goodbye or Au Revoir?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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K
Yes we do…. Although many still feel it a difficult subject to discuss. I don’t think I ever go a day without having at least one suicidal thought, and that’s a good day. On a bad day, i’ll start planning it. And I have tried a few times now. Did not want to wake up anymore…..you want an end to the torment and pain inside you….
I do think it helps to talk about such things…. And the people that drive us there….. And to think its other people that usually drive us to that place. Not good people….
Don’t ever tell a narc/sociopath you are going to kill yourself or you are suicidal or even tell them you are going to self harm.
They will just completely ignore you, or push you further…or just walk out, and leave you…. and won’t care at all if you succeeded. They will not even check up on you, or get another friend/family member to just keep an eye on you. And they will “show” you they don’t care in every way.
When you experienced this kind of thing, a few times, you feel the lowest of the low and of no value whatsoever, that its like you can’t even allow yourself to touch inanimate objects, because it feels like you are not good enough. Its as if you are not allowed to give yourself comfort, to drink, to eat, or to sit down on something comfy. You lay down in a ball on a cold concrete floor or even outside, sobbing, until you literally cannot “feel” any longer, until you completely dissociate with pure exhaustion, and become catatonic…..and if you are still alive and don’t go through with it….you totally and utterly BREAK inside! And you break to your absolute core. That kind of damage, is irreversible! Those kind of wounds inside you, never close up. They stay open.
Do not make this same mistake I did with ones thinking when in absolute desperate need they would care. And they would not ever leave you to just kill yourself or self harm. Oh yes they will!
Don’t think they will worry or have any concern. It won’t even affect them. To see you distraught and in desperation, wishing to end your life, is perfect for them. And they enjoy sticking the knife in further…..
Do not trust anyone’s love. Even if they are a family member or your closest friend. That person can betray you. They have the potential to stick a knife through your heart again and again. I’ve had proof of this. You feel like nothing. You are nothing…..and they want to make sure you know that for the rest of your life. You cannot even mourn this type of pain away.
I’m inspired by HGs new photo, talk of tattoos and suicide so I’m compelled to share.
MB
Thank you for clarifying its a tattoo. I thought you too young to have age spots. What does it mean?
Ha ha NA! I don’t know if they are age spots or light freckles! It’s a semi colon. It represents suicide awareness. The meaning is that you had more life to live. It could have been an ending, with a period, but it was instead only a pause.
MB
Yes, I have a bracelet with the semi colon on it, and survivor that a friend got me. I thought it was self harm awareness. I was going to have a tatoo of it on my arm, but have never had any. Got enough of my own scars though….
I did not know that, MB… about the semicolon. As someone who has been personally affected by a suicide, that is heartwarming to learn. Speaks volumes, actually.
Blessings to you.
BKK, thank you for the blessings. Yes, you can google the semicolon/suicide/mental health movement. My son and I both have one. We got them together at the same time. My mental health genes are something I wish he didn’t get from me. It’s a symbol of support for one another. It’s a peekaboo tattoo on the inside of my finger. These are the tattoos that are meaningful and carry no regrets for me.
MB
I was not aware of the meaning of that tattoo, so thank you.
NA, you are welcome. When people notice and ask what it is, it spreads awareness. I’m not an activist. It is really a reminder for me. I’ve never shared what I shared here yesterday with anybody. (Not even my best friend.) it’s a terrible thing when you, yourself are the worst threat to your own survival.
Hi MB
You display true courage and bravery by being open and thus vulnerable here.
Both yours and Windstorms recent stories have been painful to read.
I’m not a fan of tats but yours is truly a meaningful one….. I’d get that one. A protective totem.
Thank you TT. This is a special place where we can all be vulnerable. I let my shield down here and I appreciate the support.
MB
I am glad that you and WS and other readers have shared your/their thoughts about suicide. It should not be verboten; we need to talk about suicide more. It would be very sad if you or WS or any other reader died by suicide, although we are separated by the internet, I do care about you all and you are all too beautiful to leave this planet before your time.
Well said K. In that spirit, I share my very very minor experience.
I realised about 18months ago that my ex was not going to change and that the past 16 years and all the ridiculous drama that had come with it was for nought. So much had been taken way or destroyed and the world being a right mess, I started ideating. The ideation in itself was frightening. If not for my children, I would have attempted. I’m lucky I didn’t get that far.
I’d been through a few tough years. Id had a MAJOR professional narc battle as well which involved a court case. I won I’m happy to say. I was filled with trauma, pain, sadness, frustration and hadn’t dealt with it properly. I have a phenomenal GP and she gently steered me through some very painful months.
I’ve been lucky in life, I had a good childhood with lots of love and support…. a great life, being able to grab most opportunities I wanted, footloose and fancy free in young adulthood. I relished being a mother. Happy go lucky as one of my narc relatives calls me.But from the moment I allowed the ex intimate access to myself and to my life, it all gradually eroded.
I can now see with hindsight how my mind got to the ideation place. I believe with the right external and internal conditions, suicide ideation can happen to anyone.
K,
I concur
I agree completely, K. Suicide should not be verboten, but I do understand how difficult it can be to talk about.
When I lost my brother, there was still a bit of a stigma attached to suicide… or at least my family felt the shame. As devastated as we all were, I remember my mother telling me, “This is what happens to other families. We don’t do this. We are stronger than this.”
But on that particular day, it was our turn. Whether we wanted to or not, we were left to pick up the pieces. And pick them up, we did.
While I was immediately affected… seemingly feeling all of the emotions at once (bouncing through the different stages of grieving – hour to hour) the rest of my family became stoic, suppressing their pain… but actually only delaying grief. All of us here understand how unresolved pain will always make its way to the surface.
In that moment, we all pulled ourselves together, though. We had to. My brother’s wife had taken herself down a dark path, and my brother let her choice take him down a pitch-black path… at least that’s how I choose to see his decision.
He left behind little children, so their care became paramount as my brother’s new widow was in no shape to care for them. It wasn’t from despair though. She was simply too busy skipping down her newfound path.
It was the other man (men, actually) that she was making herself available to that I believe finally broke my brother down. My brother was no saint, but he did love her… and he worked hard to support his wife and their children. That was the saddest part… knowing that his children would forever be without their father.
Had my brother stayed with us, he would have ended up getting full custody of his babies… not destroyed by the massive amount of child support that we later found out she threatened him with, as “ruining him” was her stated modus operandi. Apparently, she often threatened him with financial ruin as well as flaunted her new “friends” … even within weeks after his death.
My mother ended up getting temporary custody of the children… until my sister-in-law realized that she was losing out on substantial social security death benefits. She then eventually straightened up enough to get her children back. My sister-in-law never much wanted to work. Now, she doesn’t have to; she has those benefits and is never without a man to help support her.
My sister said the reason our sister-in-law didn’t just leave and divorce our brother was because he was worth more to her dead.
Before the new widow cleaned up her act, my mother raised her children… even cared for them the night of the funeral when my sister-in-law left as she just “had to get away.” So she left my mother’s house that night, leaving the rest of us to sit there, still numb from the shock of our loss. My widowed sister-in-law left with one of her girlfriends. They didn’t see a family member sitting in his truck in Mom’s driveway. So when they bounced and giggled to get in their get-a-way car, they didn’t know that they were being watched.
Life goes on for those left behind.
While my brother’s children represented the saddest part of this tragedy, telling my mother was the hardest. That task fell upon me.
No one should ever have to tell her mother that she has lost her only son.
My dad did worse, though, and I believe the pain of dealing with this lose is what expedited his own death. My sister-in-law seemed to be the least affected. So any thoughts of her being heartbroken or punished by his absence were futile… if my brother even considered that.
I acknowledge that he was only trying to escape his pain.
While some of my family members will forever stay convinced of foul play, I did my best to accept the despair that my brother was obviously feeling. That was difficult too, as every missed clue… missed phone call… missed opportunity to help haunts us to this day.
But if I learned anything, it was that NO relationship is worth your life. This experience is why when my narcissist had me in terrible despair, curled into the fetal position, crying until the tears no longer could flow… I told myself that I cannot let this man, any man, take me to a place where I seriously consider that type of escape.
Suicide truly is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. To anyone who is entertaining such thoughts right now, please know… IT WILL GET BETTER. You will lift your head again to see the depth of the sky, feel the warmth of the sun and breath air that smells of a new beginning.
No failed relationship with ANY man or woman is worth your life.
Still, I do understand the deep despair felt. I didn’t know, MB, about the semicolon, but I do know the U.S. Suicide Prevention Lifeline… 1-800-273-8255 (available 24 hours every day).
Thank you K. That was very sweet and so very true. Most of the time suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that is only temporary. You don’t really want to die, but it’s an option in the solving of life’s painful problems.
Thank you Tappi Tikarrass
And thank you for sharing your experience. Thank God for the children. You are very lucky and it would have been devastating if they lost you. Suicidal ideation can happen to anyone if the conditions are right. It is very sad.
I am happy you won the court case, although exhausting for you and a fuel fest for the narc; they do love the drama and chaos!
No wonder your ex latched onto you, the happy go lucky, optimistic empath, like a beacon in the night, and you welcomed him into your life and little by little he tried to destroy you. Narcissists really are dangerous. Hopefully, better times are ahead. Just focus on taking care of yourself and your children and staying narc free.
Good luck with the narc free part, because they are everywhere!
Thank you Caroline!
BurntKrispyKeen
That was very sad and upsetting to read. If you don’t mind my asking, how old was your brother when he died?
Do you think his wife was a narcissist?
You are welcome MB
I think you are correct. Many people feel that suicide is the only option and might choose otherwise if they could get help and often that help just isn’t available.
Thank you, K. He was 33.
I simply always thought of her as a whore.
Even before my brother’s suicide, I tried to keep my interactions with her to a minimum as I didn’t respect most of her ways. But as I learn more, she definitely did (and continues) to demonstrate certain components of narcissism.
I just don’t talk about it much because it still brings about many painful memories. But you are right… we need to be open and talk.
It is very sad to realize how many people here are heartbroken… and it breaks my heart whenever I realize that many others have also contemplated that type of “end” as their best solution.
So glad that you made it through Tappi T… and that you are here to share your story with all the care and insight that you share.
Actually, I am grateful to every kind soul here who pushes forward every day to bring a bit of goodness into this cruel world. The battle against evil seems to be getting harder, but I will not let them win.
I will fight ’til end.
BKK, thank you for sharing such a painful and personal story. My heart breaks for those that are left behind. That, and the fact that I’m no quitter is what kept me going.
I stuff everything painful that I don’t want to deal with or accept. What you said here does scare me:
“All of us here understand how unresolved pain will always make its way to the surface.”
I don’t understand. Ima find somewhere else to be when that debt collector comes calling!
You are welcome BurntKrispyKeen
He was very young and his children are left behind with a questionable mother and that is a profound loss.
Her behaviour was very callous and she reminded me of my lessers and I wouldn’t doubt if she is a narcissist. Female lessers are such whores.
There are quite a few readers who have mentioned their suicidal thoughts or attempts and I feel their hopelessness and despair. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away their pain.
The battle is very difficult and it seems to be getting harder but, like you, I will fight ’til the end.
I understand, MB. I think a girls trip somewhere south 🌴… or maybe even in London would be a nice place to be when the debt collectors come a callin’.
But that pain will find its way. My family was worried about me… saying that I was taking it all so hard while they tried to plunge through the needed tasks suppressing their emotions.
In due time, however, each of them experienced their own eruption of emotions. I was starting to heal just as they were starting to really “feel.” Something of this magnitude leaves everyone numb, but it truly was the ability to walk through the pain, not around it, that helped me the most.
I appreciate your response and concern, MB. I always enjoy reading your comments as I find your insight touching and your humor refreshing.
Hang in there… ❤
Thank you K and BKK for your kind words.
BKK, you and your family’s experience are the types of stories which help keep my own stuff in perspective. So sorry for you all. The pain can be so distorting to ones thought processes that suicide becomes a viable option. Xx
You are welcome Tappi Tikarrass
“Female lessers are such whores.” – K
Now that would be an educational and interesting article to read.
HG?
BKK
Ha ha ha…I think HG would respond with: See Whore.
Although, I think the lesser female/male is the epitome of the whore. Nasty! And full of STIs.
You are never alone, Tappi T. ❤
And I agree, Tappi T.
I do the same thing… Think about what others have been through and realize that not only am I not alone, someone else has it much worse.
But since everyone is being so honest…
Plenty of us here have hit rock-bottom at some point. Relaying what K expressed, it is heart-wrenching to think about just how many have experienced suicidal ideation. But to every empath on here… promise me that you will reach out if ever feeling that type of despair.
Please do.
Seriously please.